Chinese Bidder:

Harry Secombe

Neddie Seagoon:

Harry Secombe

Ah-Pong:

Peter Sellers

Bluebottle:

Peter Sellers

Delivery Man:

Peter Sellers

Flowerdew:

Peter Sellers

Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

Peter Sellers

Kash-Mai-Chek:

Peter Sellers

Major Dennis Bloodnok:

Peter Sellers

Mr Henry Crun:

Peter Sellers

Operator:

Peter Sellers

Chinese Bidder:

Ray Ellington

Adolphus Spriggs:

Spike Milligan

Chinese Bidder:

Spike Milligan

Eccles:

Spike Milligan

Miss Minnie Bannister:

Spike Milligan

Moriarty:

Spike Milligan

Throat:

Spike Milligan

Announcer:

Wallace Greenslade

Chinese Bidder:

Wallace Greenslade

GREENSLADE:

This is the BBC Home Service, ...

[FX:

RASPBERRY.]

GREENSLADE:

and jolly good programmes they put on, too.

FLOWERDEW:

(Sellers) Oh isn't he a lovely talker, [he is.]?

SECOMBE:

({strained}[Lew]) [Here] {Thank you,} could you say some more, mister, [of that loverly talking] {please}?

GREENSLADE:

Why certainly, this is Wallace Greenslade saying "Winds light to variable".

[SECOMBE:

(Lew) Oh beautiful.]

GREENSLADE:

(very theatrical) Oh Greenslade, how can they afford you?

SECOMBE:

Because twelve shillings a week is nothing to the highly esteemed Goon Show!

ORCHESTRA:

ETHNIC PERCUSSION AND VOCALS, [AFRICAN STYLE] {INDIAN STYLE}.

SECOMBE:

Thank you {listeners, next dance please}[Harry Davidson and his old timers]. Mister Greenslade [unlace that lead head corset and announce the nine o'clock neddle-nardle-noo] {loosen that plastic sporran and make the announcements}.

GREENSLADE:

Listeners and losteners, we present an ancient Chinese play translated from an old Greek soup recipe found engraved on the seat of a dustman's trousers in East Acton. The trousers can now be inspected in the Science Museum, internal combustion section. This play was especially writted for the wireless.

SELLERS:

(very theatrical) Wireless! Curse! This means the end of the horned phonograph and the little doggie that looks in to it. Exits left [with king mackerel case, ooowl (???)].

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

SELLERS:

(Chinese) [Gibberish Chinese sounding noises] Hello, [there you, empire people] {you there. Oh boy,} get this, we give you [a] {and how one} hot story of old home town. [more gibberish] Okay Wally take it away. Overture and beginners for China Story. Oh boy.

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

ORCHESTRA:

DRAMATIC LEAD IN - CHINESE FLAVOUR.

OMNES:

Chatter of many 'Chinese' voices.

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

OMNES:

Chatter of many 'Chinese' voices.

SEAGOON:

Strange people, the Chinese, there['s] {are} over 500 million of them.

FLOWERDEW:

Well they've only got themselves to blame!

SEAGOON:

Thank-you registrar of births. My name is Neddie Seagoon [though] {and} my char-lady calls me "Ducks" - due to a certain disease I have! I'm well known in China and voted best dressed man of 1904 ... in [1956] {1955} hmm {hmm hmm hmm hmm, Yes.}

GRAMS:

[CHINESE TYPE MUSIC, WITH 'CHINESE' CHATTER] {HARRY SECOMBE WHINING IN HIGH PITCH VOICE}, FOLLOWED BY A SPLASH.

SEAGOON:

It was Christmas night [in] {on the waterfront of} Shanghai. {Still, it had to come some time. (laughs), hm, hmm, yes.} As I walked [backwards through] the crowded streets people seemed to know I was British - was it my bearing, the cut of my dentures or was it the eight foot flood-lit Union Jack tied round my head? I'll never know.

GRYTPYPE:

[Yoykes] {Yikes}, Tally-Ho {nutty!} Have a noodle.

SEAGOON:

The words came from a two-legged, grey-headed man going bald at the knees. He was bent backwards eating a plate of un-chopped-suey from a leopard skin [seal] bladder. With a wave of his [muscular] foot he beckoned me over.

GRYTPYPE:

He ignored my invitation [and my muscular foot], but then I said something that had him at my side - money!

GRAMS:

WHOOSH.

[SEAGOON:

Money, money, money, money, money, where, where. Where, money, money, (whistles), money, money, money, money ]

[GRYTPYPE:

Steady laddie. steady laddie]

[SEAGOON:

~~~ ~~~ money(degenerates into clucking noises, then broody chicken noises).]

{SEAGOON:

My name is Ned Seagoon.}

GRYTPYPE:

Have a noodle.

FX:

[PLOP] {CLUNK}.

SEAGOON:

Thank you. {You called me over.}

{GRYTPYPE:

Yes.}

SEAGOON:

What [does your muscular foot] {do you} want?

GRYTPYPE:

Well you have a kind face.

SEAGOON:

You can't have it, it's a fixture.

GRYTPYPE:

[Oh,] {A fixture, ey? My} you are lumbered [aren't you].

SEAGOON:

Have a care, sir, I'm not a man to be laughed at.

GRYTPYPE:

I know, I've seen your act ... the ummm, singing shaver isn't it?

[SEAGOON:

I'll have you know I'm at the Palladium, seats in all parts (???)].

[GRYTPYPE:

Is it true that you're miming to records of Zebee?]

SEAGOON:

[Lies.] I have my dark secrets.

ELLINGTON:

Man, so do I!

SEAGOON:

Silence, Ellington , or I'll have the white-wash brush to yuh.

GRYTPYPE:

{Well said, Neddie.} Oh, Neddie, this gentleman here [with the power] is Count [Fred] Moriarty, French overland saxophone champion.

SEAGOON:

(speaking French fluently).

MORIARTY:

So, the pen of your aunt is in the garden, eh? [Are you] {You're} a stranger in China {ay lad}?

SEAGOON:

Stranger? I came here as a boy.

GRYTPYPE:

I didn't think you came here as a girl. Oh, I don't know, though. You Chinese are damn clever people [really].

SEAGOON:

I'll have you know I'm English!

MORIARTY:

English? But {that ragged kilt and your toes sticking out the end of your feet.}[you're in rags.]

SEAGOON:

[I happen to be in my working clothes] {In my position that's no shame}.

MORIARTY:

[What are you?] {You're not ...}

SEAGOON:

{Yes!} The British Ambassador.

[GRYTPYPE:

Are you attached to the Embassy?]

[SEAGOON:

Attached? I love every brick of it.]

GRYTPYPE:

Poor fellow, you must be starving, have a noodle.

FX:

PLOP.

SEAGOON:

Thank you.

GRYTPYPE:

Waiter, two ice-rickshaws and [picture of Colonel Nassa please]{a firkin of rice. So, you're the British ambassador.}

SEAGOON:

[What, what, what, what, what, what? Don't mention that name here.] {Yes} (sings) There'll always be an England and England shall be free. If England means as much to you as England means to meeeee.

GRYTPYPE:

[Now we'll never get it back.] {You silly twisted boy, you!}

[SEAGOON:

We don't need Suez, we can get to India another way ... the Manchester ship canal!]

{MORIARTY:

They wish to know that. Now do we take it, Mister Seagoon, that you are pressed for money?}

{SEAGOON:

Yes.}

{MORIARTY:

Hmm, interesting, ey, Colonel Grytpype?}

GRYTPYPE:

{Yes. Come Neddie,} have another noodle.

FX:

PLOP.

SEAGOON:

Thank you.

{GRYTPYPE:

Neddie, how would you like 50 million yen?}

{SEAGOON:

In cash.}

MORIARTY:

[Now Seagoon come here. Come here little lad.] {Crazy boy Seagoon,} You've heard of the fiendish Chinese nationalist leader?

SEAGOON:

Not General Kash-Mai-Chek?

MORIARTY:

Yes. {Listen lad} he's willing to pay [ten thousand yen in Lire] {that sum} to anybody who can smuggle him, a certain English Rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders.

SEAGOON:

Tell me more gentlemen.

GRYTPYPE:

Well, Neddie, [pull up a power] {this is the plan}.

[SEAGOON:

Thank you.]

SPRIGGS:

(Spike) [Pardon me gentlemen, (clears throat) will you be sitting here for the next few moments] {Pardon me kind sirs, will you three gentlemen be sitting here for the next few minutes}?

GRYTPYPE:

Ahh, Yes.

SPRIGGS:

[Good] (clears throat) (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond, so good night pretty maiden of the night, I'm bound for the hills and the valleys beyond. So good night pretty maiden of the night. Oh goodnight, oh goodnight, goodnight pretty maiden goooooodnighhhhht. (*1)

GRYTPYPE:

Yes - Now Seagoon this is the idea [I] {we have}.

SPRIGGS:

Gentlemen [gentlemen] you heard my melody and I think ...

FX:

MONEY BOX SHAKING.

SPRIGGS:

that this little wooden box with the [hole] {slit} in the top, speaks {the voice [for itself ~~~] (???) to you}.

GRYTPYPE:

Yes ... Neddie, the first thing you have to do ...

SPRIGGS:

[Oh, ho hi. Of course] {(clears throat) Gentlemen} I understand [gentlemen]. ... You want an encore. Ohhhh [(sings) I'm walking backwards] {Joyyyy (sings) A gypsy am I, go wandering by} ...

FX:

GUNSHOT.

SPRIGGS:

urgghh!

GRYTPYPE:

Well done Moriarty - {just} check the little wooden box would you? Now Seajune, think our offer over and {er,} I'll get in touch with you on the phone tomorrow.

SEAGOON:

Till tomorrow then.

{FX:

GONG STRIKES.}

OMNES:

'Chinese' crowd chattering.

SEAGOON:

Back at the embassy I pondered over Grytpype Thynne's offer. Why on earth did General Kash-Mai-Chek want a certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders? Heh heh heh. Cunning people, the fiendish Chinese, you never know which whey they're going to go! [Especially the women] I was just about to retire for the night when ... when there was a tap at the window.

FX:

TAP ON WINDOW - OPEN WINDOW.

SEAGOON:

{Nggggh, hello?} Hello? Anybody out there in the dark?

{FX:

WOODEN BOX OF MONEY RATTLES.}

SPRIGGS:

(sings) I'm only a [strolling] {~~~} vagabond, {so}...

FX:

GUNSHOT.

SEAGOON:

Got 'im.

FX:

PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP.

SEAGOON:

Hello?

OPERATOR:

(Sellers -effeminate) Call for you, you're through.

SEAGOON:

Hello?

SPRIGGS:

(singing down phone) ...oh goodnight pretty maiden...

FX:

HANGUP PHONE.

SEAGOON:

Blast that man.

FX:

RATTLING DOOR HANDLE, DOOR OPENS.

DELIVERY MAN:

(Sellers) Sir. This record has just arrived, marked urgent.

SEAGOON:

Quick put it on.

FX:

SCRATCHY GRAMOPHONE STARTS PLAYING.

GRAMS:

([ANOTHER BETTER SINGER] {SPRIGGS}) ...OH GOODNIGHT PRETTY MAIDEN...

FX:

RECORD BREAKING/SNAPPING/DROPPED IN BIN.

SEAGOON:

A pox on the [fellow] {man}.

FX:

PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP.

SEAGOON:

Yes? [Will you stop singing the infernal melody divine, you understand, I don't wish to know that.]

GRYTPYPE:

(distort - other end of the phone) [Thank you] Neddie, Grytpype Thynne here. Have you made [your] {a} decision about the certain English upright [yet (???)]?

SEAGOON:

Yes, I need the money, I'll do the job. But where do I get that certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders?

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) Go to the tea-house of the August Goon.

SEAGOON:

Just a minute, I'll take that down.

FX:

SCRIBBLING UNDER:

SEAGOON:

{"Go to the tea-house of the August",} there{, right}.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) Got that down?

SEAGOON:

Yes.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) Burn it at once.

SEAGOON:

Right.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) Now set fire to the ashes.

SEAGOON:

Yes - {Yes, I've} done that.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) [Splendid]{Good}, now memorise the remains.

SEAGOON:

Right.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) [Right] {Splendid}. Now say after me, "I am an idiot".

SEAGOON:

I am an idiot.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) {Right.} Now, when you arrive there, knock six thousand times and ask for Ah-Pong.

SEAGOON:

But how do I get there?

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) {How do you get there?} Where are you now?

SEAGOON:

I'm standing by the phone.

GRYTPYPE:

(distort) Good, start asking your way from there.

SEAGOON:

Thank you.

FX:

PHONE PUT BACK ON HOOK.

SEAGOON:

I should be there in three minutes. Just enough time for a fiendish Chinese gentleman, Mlax [Glederudle]{Gleldray}, to have a blowout.

INTERVAL:

MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

OMNES:

'Chinese' crowd chattering.

SEAGOON:

On arrival at the tea house, as instructed, I knocked six thousand times.

GRAMS:

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING (takes 36 secs altogether).

FX:

DOOR OPENS.

THROAT:

Yes?

SEAGOON:

(panting) Tea house of the August {Gloon}[Goon]?

THROAT:

No.

FX:

DOOR SLAMS.

SEAGOON:

Curse, it's next door! It's always next door in China!

GRAMS:

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING (28 seconds).

FX:

DOOR OPENS.

AH-PONG:

(Sellers - Chinese) Someblody knock?

SEAGOON:

Yes. Tea-house of August Goon?

AH-PONG:

[Yah] Yes sir.

SEAGOON:

Are you Ah-Pong?

AH-PONG:

Yes, we are ah-pong till eleven o'clock. ...[Ah more to come, yah].

SEAGOON:

I've come about a certain English rosewood upright.

AH-PONG:

Ah, you are Neleddy Sleegoon, yeah?

SEAGOON:

Yes, Blitish Ambassador.

AH-PONG:

Ah glood, glood, glood! Follow me please, (more slurred 'Chinese' sounding words).

SEAGOON:

I was lead through a bead curtain and across a floor, so cunningly laid that no matter where you stood it was always under your feet.

[GRAMS:

ORIENTAL MUSIC.]

[FX:

PST-TOOK-BLLONG.]

SEAGOON:

In the far corner of the tea-room I could see the sinister oriental saxophonist Fred Fu Manchu playing strict tempo Chinese ballroom music.

{GRAMS:

'CHINESE' BALLROOM MUSIC! WITH HIGH PITCHED SPED UP VOICE OVER.}

SEAGOON:

Finally I was lead before a military man reclining on a coolie.

BLOODNOK:

Aaaah! So you're the man who's going to do the job [are you?].

SEAGOON:

Yes.

[BLOODNOK:

Speak Chinese?]

[SEAGOON:

A Smattering.]

[BLOODNOK:

Smattering? How about Chinese?]

[SEAGOON:

Not a word.]

[BLOODNOK:

Lower me gringers, you'll have to learn the lingo you see (???). Our journey takes us through bandit territory.]

[SEAGOON:

Oh, I speak bandit fluently.]

[BLOODNOK:

Really? Say a few words in bandit for me.]

[SEAGOON:

Hands up, your money or your life.]

[BLOODNOK:

Gad, without a trace of an accent. Splendid.]

BLOODNOK:

[Now] {So,} about the certain English rosewood upright piano.

SEAGOON:

Yes, where is it?

BLOODNOK:

Up river at the Kowloon Missionary.

SEAGOON:

Kowloon? That's six hundred miles from here!

BLOODNOK:

Is it?

GRAMS:

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE, PAUSE, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING BACK TOWARDS MICROPHONE.

SEAGOON:

(panting) Yes. It's exactly six hundred miles.

BLOODNOK:

[Much] {That's} too far to travel, therefore we shall take the fiendish Chinese river-steamer tonight.

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

ORCHESTRA:

LINK MUSIC, ORIENTAL FLAVOUR.

OMNES:

'Chinese' chatter.

SEAGOON:

In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the [silence] {sound} of the silence being broken.

[FX:

BURP.]

BLOODNOK:

{Ah, Seagoon!} I've just been speaking to the fiendish Chinese Captain, he says we'll be in Kowloon at twenty three hundred hours.

SEAGOON:

What time is that?

BLOODNOK:

I don't know, my watch only goes up to twelve.

SEAGOON:

Curse this fiendish Chinese triple-summertime.

FX:

SPLASH.

CHINESE SAILOR:

Ah - a man overbloard.

SEAGOON:

I see him. Quick Bloodnok - hold my coat.

BLOODNOK:

Yes.

FX:

SPLASH.

BLOODNOK:

[What a] Brave man Seagoon [is], [what a] {brave man}, brave brave man. Now let me see (sings to himself) la dee, la dah, dah dee... blast not a penny in any of his pockets [of his coat].

SEAGOON:

(off) ~~~ I've got him. Haul me aboard.

FX:

STRUGGLING SOUNDS, 'CHINESE' MUTTERINGS.

SEAGOON:

Lay him down gently.

BLOODNOK:

Poor fellow he's soaking wet.

SEAGOON:

Strange, it hasn't been raining.

SPRIGGS:

unnnhhhh.

BLOODNOK:

He's coming one ...

SPRIGGS:

unnnhhhh.

BLOODNOK:

SEAGOON:

Who are you poor wayfarer?

SPRIGGS:

(clears throat) (sings) I'm only a ~~~ing vaga... Wohhuuup!

FX:

SPLASH.

BLOODNOK:

Well hurled - full spleed ahelad [~~~].

ORCHESTRA:

DRAMATIC NAUTICAL LINK.

OMNES:

'Chinese' chatter under:

FX:

GONG STRIKES.

SEAGOON:

By mid-day the following month we arrived at the fiendish Chinese river port of Kowloon.

BLOODNOK:

But to our hearied horror we discovered that missionary Crun had put the certain {English rosewood} piano up for auction.

SEAGOON:

We had no option but to bid against three hundred fiendish oriental John Chinamen.

OMNES:

'Chinese' crowd chatter under:

FX:

GAVEL HIT THREE TIMES.

CRUN:

Attention, fiendish Chinese bidders, the auction [will] commence{s}.

[BANNISTER:

Well said Henry.]

CRUN:

[Thank you] First object to come under the hammer is this glass jar.

FX:

GLASS JAR SMASHED BY HAMMER.

CRUN:

The next object is this certain English rosewood upright.

[BANNISTER:

Well said Henry.]

[CRUN:

Thank you.]

[BANNISTER:

Well said Henry.]

CRUN:

{Now then,} mnk [ar ee orr], let us start the bidding at one pound.

SECOMBE:

(Chinese) One pound ten.

MILLIGAN:

(Chinese) Two pounds.

ELLINGTON:

(Chinese) Three pound.

SECOMBE:

Three pounds ten.

SELLERS:

(Chinese) Three pounds fifteen.

SECOMBE:

Thlee pounds flifteen and slixpence.

MILLIGAN:

Four pounds.

{ELLINGTON}

[GREENSLADE]:

Four pounds ten.

SELLERS:

Four pounds ten and seberence.

SECOMBE:

Five pounds.

{SELLERS:

Flive pounds.}

MILLIGAN:

Flive pounds and flive.

CRUN:

Any advance on flive pounds flive?

GREENSLADE:

(Chinese) Flive pounds flive flup-pence.

MILLIGAN:

Flip-flong.

{SELLERS:

Six-pound ten.}

SECOMBE:

Seven plouns.

ELLINGTON:

Seven pouns ten and fluppence.

MILLIGAN:

Bloo-bla-bing.

SECOMBE:

Bing-bang-bloom.

SELLERS:

Bing-bang-blom.

BANNISTER:

Ying-Tong.

SECOMBE:

Ying-Tong-Iddle.

BANNISTER:

Ying-Tong-Iddle-I.

SECOMBE:

Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po.

OMNES:

Yaooh!

CRUN:

Any advance on Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po? {(fades) Any advance on Ying tong iddle i po?}.

[BANNISTER:

Well said Henry.]

{OMNES:

general hubbub of 'Chinese' voices in background.}

GREENSLADE:

(himself) Ladies and gentlemen, the BBC have asked me to tell you the sentence Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po has no meaning at all and is not a form of currency. Therefore in bidding Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po for the piano it has proved that the bidders are fiendish Chinese. We return you now to the fiendish auction.

[BANNISTER:

Well said Wallace, well said.]

OMNES:

'Chinese' chattering under:

CRUN:

Any advance on fiendish Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po?

SEAGOON:

Ten pounds.

[BANNISTER:

Ahhh eee orrr noooo.]

CRUN:

Mnnk! Sold for ten pounds!

{FX:

GAVEL STRUCK ONCE.}

MORIARTY:

Well done, Neddie {boy}, well done [lad]!

SEAGOON:

Moriarty!

{MORIARTY:

Yes.}

SEAGOON:

Grytpype Thynne! What are you doing here?

MORIARTY:

This is the reason: Before that piano can be dispatched {to the secret Chinese NAAFI of Kash-Mai-Chek}, the keyboard must be reversed.

SEAGOON:

Why?

GRYTPYPE:

{Well} you see, Neddie, fiendish Chinese pianists always play from right to left.

SEAGOON:

What fiendish Chinese cunning!

GRYTPYPE:

{Yes.} Now, out you go and get [some] {me a packet of} Coolies.

SEAGOON:

{Cork-tipped, of course}[Right].

{GRYTPYPE:

Of course.}

[MORIARTY:

Cork tipped.]

SEAGOON:

Right!

GRYTPYPE:

{I say,} Moriarty.

{MORIARTY:

Yes?}

GRYTPYPE:

Do you think he suspects?

MORIARTY:

About the time-bomb in the piano {to kill Kash-Mai-Chek}?

{GRYTPYPE:

No.}

MORIARTY:

No.

GRYTPYPE:

[Right.] {Hmm.} Have you wired it up to explode?

MORIARTY:

Yes it detonates when a certain note is played, listen ...

ORCHESTRA:

PIANO PLAYS A TUNE (CHOPSTICKS) MINUS LAST NOTE OF REFRAIN.

MORIARTY:

[Now] This is the note.

ORCHESTRA:

FINAL NOTE OF REFRAIN PLAYED.

[MORIARTY:

That will send it off.]

GRYTPYPE:

You have a copy of that music?

MORIARTY:

[Yes, backwards and forwards and sideways at the same time] {But of course}.

GRYTPYPE:

In Chinese?

MORIARTY:

{Yes,} scored {from right to left and} upwards [and downwards backwards and back to the front and iddle i po].

[GRYTPYPE:

And for Christmas?]

[MORIARTY:

Always.]

GRYTPYPE:

{Brilliant,} brilliant! Then tomorrow we send Seagoon and the piano to the [secret] {fiendish} Chinese NAAFI and that will be the last of our dreaded rival General Kash-Mai-Chek.

[BANNISTER:

Well said.]

GRYTPYPE:

[Ohh thank you madam, now] {Meantime} what am I bid for this record of [the] fiendish [Ray] {Gladys} Ellington?

[BANNISTER:

Ahh, orrrr.]

INTERVAL:

RAY ELLINGTON AND QUARTET - "Lover Come Back To Me".

ORCHESTRA:

A LINK OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

OMNES:

'Chinese' chatter.

FX:

HORSES WALKING ON COBBLES.

SEAGOON:

August the third, moving inland through the bandit province of Yanghtsee towards the secret Chinese NAAFI, strapped to the back of a mule was the certain English etcetera etcetera with brass candle-holders - I said etcetera etcetera because it saved me saying the full sentence which was a certain English rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders. (laughs) That's why I said etcetera etcetera, etcetera etcetera, thought you might like to know.

[BANNISTER:

Well said young man.]

[SEAGOON:

Thank you.]

BLOODNOK:

Seagoon, stop the caravan, there is someone behind those fiendish Chinese bushes ahead.

SEAGOON:

Hand me that loaded Chinaman.

[SELLERS:

Alli llung.]

BLOODNOK:

Don't point him at me!

SEAGOON:

It's alright I've got a safety catch on.

BLOODNOK:

Oh.

SEAGOON:

Who's that behind the bush? Come on who are you?

SPRIGGS:

(singing) I'm only a ~~~ ~~~ (poor little ???) vagabond...

FX:

GUNSHOT.

SEAGOON:

Got him. Wait there's someone else.

SEAGOON:

Ahoy there, come out from behind that bush!

BLUEBOTTLE:

Wait a minute, don't shoot {at me!}

SEAGOON:

Come {on} out.

BLUEBOTTLE:

Enter Bluebottle. Thinks: Is the Bluebottle popularity slipping? [Don't know about that] {No}.

SEAGOON:

Who are you, you little hybrid wreck.

BLUEBOTTLE:

I'm a member of General Kash-Mai-Chek's secret NAAFI. Strikes dramatic pose as done in [Richard the Third and Hamlet. Trousers fall down to reveal I'm wearing mums old bloomers] {film "The Bridges of Totorees", by Grace Kennings and William Holding in a Japanese bath scene. Thinks: I wouldn't mind a bath night like that. Tee-hee!}.

SEAGOON:

Have you proof of your identity?

BLUEBOTTLE:

Yes I have, my cap-i-tain, yes. [Here's my name written inside my LCC type putting shoe] {Look: points to Chinese dragon tattooed at great expense on tail of shirt}.

{SEAGOON:

What does that prove?}

{BLUEBOTTLE:

It proves that I have a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail of my shirt at great expense. Thinks: I've got a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail ...}

SEAGOON:

Yes, yes, yes. But why {have...why have}.

[BLUEBOTTLE:

Thinks: ...]

[SEAGOON:

Yes.]

[BLUEBOTTLE:

I can't think of anything to thinks about.]

SEAGOON:

[Come now] {But} why have you got that boot full of Chinese porridge strapped to your head?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I always have a boot of Chinese porridge strapped on my head on a Monday.

SEAGOON:

But today's Tuesday.

BLUEBOTTLE:

Is it? Oh, I feel a proper fool now [I do]! Tee-hee! {Thank-you Chinese sausages.}

SEAGOON:

Stop those radio [Oscar] {award} jokes. {Now} how far are we from the secret Chinese NAAFI of Kash-Mai-Chek?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I will not tell you, you're not talking nicely to little Blunebottle.

SEAGOON:

{Fiendish} Chinaman {Gladys} Ellington, take charge of this man.

ELLINGTON:

Right! Come on, come on you mushroom legs {you}!

BLUEBOTTLE:

Eeeeeh! take your [hairy rotten] hands off my little arms, you might rub off on me. {Here,} you're not Chinese.

{ELLINGTON?:

(Woman's voice)How do you know?}

BLUEBOTTLE:

I can tell by your eyes [they go that way].

ELLINGTON:

Come on [go'bli'me] {, come on now}, how far [to] {we go 'til} the secret {Chinese} NAAFI?

BLUEBOTTLE:

[No] [I do not like this game,] I don't like this game. {It's a rotten game}. Let's play naughty [Diana Dores falling in the swimming pool for good...] {Avis ???) Scott being fired game}.

SEAGOON:

Tell us, or we play Bluebottle and taxidermists [for posterity].

BLUEBOTTLE:

[I wish I hads married Dennise Hamilton, he'd 'ave punched you on the nose for talking to me like that.] {No, no!} I'll tell you! It is across this river, it is behind the Great Wall of China. Ying-Tong-Iddle-Idding-Ing-Ping.

SEAGOON:

Guards, forward!

GRAMS:

FOUR WHOOSHES IN A ROW.

BLUEBOTTLE:

Right, here we are at the secret fiendish Chinese NAAFI.

[ECCLES:

Hullo!]

[OMNES:

Shut up Eccles (Backwards and forwards between Eccles and others about 20 repetitions).]

{BLUEBOTTLE:

I will knock-ed.}

[ECCLES:

I'll knock on the door of the secret Chinese NAAFI.]

{FX:

FEW KNOCKS ON DOOR AND OPENS.}

[FX:

TUBE TRAIN APPROACHING FROM FAR OFF, WARNING TOOT ON HORN, CRASH INTO DOOR, TINKLE. DOOR OPENS.]

[ECCLES:

~~ Chinese door.]

KASH-MAI-CHEK:

(Sellers - Chinese) [Ahh, or, holay holay] {Oh boy, look,} it ah Bluebottle and [Teddie Seagoon with] honourable piano. [Keep that child quite secret again (??? huge laughter)] [Ah, it Bluebottle and the] {Look, bloys,} honourable NAAFI piano [look boy honourable NAAFI piano all alive] {has arrived}.

OMNES:

(Chinese) Hip-Hip-Hullay! Hip-Hip-Hullay!

SEAGOON:

Together ... lift ...

FX:

[STRAINING NOISES] {HEAVY OBJECT BEING DRAGGED, BUMPING OVER GENERAL 'CHINESE' CHATTER.}

GREENSLADE:

Ladies and gentlemen, while our heroes are getting the certain English piano up on to the stage of the secret Chinese NAAFI, I would like to draw your attention to [back] page {fifty-two} of this week's Radio Times. (Bluebottle repeating his words under) It shows a three-quarter [semi-profile] {rear} view of a [distinglay (???)] lady wearing a pair of corsets. [Will you shut up!]

[BLUEBOTTLE:

Shut up!]

[ECCLES:

Shut up!]

[OMNES:

Shut up. (repeated, yells, etc).]

GREENSLADE:

We would like to point out that this is an advertisement and not a programme, though I must say it might be the basis of a jolly good show. I see [(omnes start repeating every word and getting louder)] now that the certain English piano is in position and a fiendish Chinese pianist is about to play.

[ECCLES:

Shut up.]

[OMNES:

Shut up , shut up, shut up.]

{OMNES:

'Chinese' crowd chatter.}

SECOMBE:

(Chinese) Silence, please silence! Honourable plianist will now play western style tlune.

[~~~:

Right-o.]

ORCHESTRA:

PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE.

GRYTPYPE:

Curse it, Moriarty, he hasn't played the note!

MORIARTY:

Yes.

[GRYTPYPE:

~~~ try again.]

ORCHESTRA:

PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE.

[GRYTPYPE:

(over top of playing) Look out, here it goes... here it ..]

GRYTPYPE:

{Oh,} he's missed it again!

SPRIGGS:

[Ohh ah, please] {Chinese} gentlemen, don't fret! [Don't worry if your piano can't be played] {Your dear fiendish pianist can't play the piano so} I [shall] {will} sing you [a] {another} melody [and save the day]. Could I have an 'A' please?

ORCHESTRA:

PIANO PLAYS AN A, THE FINAL NOTE OF THE PREVIOUS TUNE.

GRAMS:

GIANT EXPLOSION {, GLASS SMASHING AND OBJECTS FALLING ON FLOOR}.

GRYTPYPE:

[They're] Damn clever these Chinese!

ORCHESTRA:

CLOSING THEME TUNE.

GREENSLADE:

That was the Goon Show, {a} recorded [at the radio exhibition at Earls Court and] {programme} featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by [Dennis Main Wilson] {Peter Eton}.

{BLUEBOTTLE:

I didn't get deaded this week! Tee-hee!}

ORCHESTRA:

FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT.