Neddie Seagoon:

Harry Secombe

105

Bluebottle:

Peter Sellers

7

Grytpype-Thynne

Peter Sellers

16

Major Dennis Bloodnok:

Peter Sellers

37

Mr Henry Crun:

Peter Sellers

42

Willium

Peter Sellers

2

Winston Churchill

Peter Sellers

1

Abdul

Spike Milligan

2

Eccles:

Spike Milligan

22

Miss Minnie Bannister:

Spike Milligan

27

Moriarty:

Spike Milligan

9

Mr. Attlee

Spike Milligan

1

Odium

Spike Milligan

3

Throat

Spike Milligan

5

Announcer

Wallace Greenslade

15

GREENSLADE:

This is the BBC Home Service.

FX:

PENNY DROPPED IN TIN MUG.

GREENSLADE:

Thank you. We now come to the radio show entirely dedicated to the downfall of John Snagge.

HARRY:

He [refers,] of course {refers}, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.

GRAMS:

SORROWFUL MARCH WITH WAILING (14 SECONDS).

HARRY:

Stop! Time for laughs later - but now to business.(calls) Mr. Greenslade? Come over here.

FX:

DRAGGING AND CLOMPING OF CHAINS.

GREENSLADE:

(off) Yes, Master?

HARRY:

Tell the waiting world what we have for them.

GREENSLADE:

My lords, ladies and other National Assistance holders - tonight the League of Burmese Trombonists present[s] a best-seller play entitled:

ORCHESTRA:

DRAMATIC CHORD [TYMPANY ROLL.] HELD UNDER:

SELLERS:

The Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea, or ...

ORCHESTRA:

THREE DRAMATIC CHORDS.

HARRY:

The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.

ORCHESTRA:

CLIMAX. THEN DOWN. THEN UNDER:

GREENSLADE:

The English Channel 1941. Across the silent strip of green-grey water - in England - coastal towns were deserted, except for people. Despite the threat of invasion and the stringent blackout rules, elderly gentlefolk of Bexhill-on-Sea still took their evening constitutions.

FX:

WAVES LAPPING ON A GRAVEL BEACH.

CRUN:

Ohhh {dear dear dear} - it's quite windy on these cliffs {Minnie}.

MINNIE:

{Yes, yes.} What a nice summer evening - typical English {evening}.

CRUN:

[Mnk] yes, the rain's lovely and warm ... {Minnie?}

{MINNIE:

Yes.}

CRUN:

I think I'll take one of my sou' westers off.

{MINNIE:

You devil you.}

CRUN:

Here {, Minnie}, hold my elephant gun.

MINNIE:

{Oh dear} I don't know what you brought it for - you can't shoot elephants in England {you konw}.

CRUN:

Mnk? Why not?

MINNIE:

They're out of season.

CRUN:

{Ohoh.} Does this mean we'll have to have pelican for dinner again?

MINNIE:

[Yes, I'm afraid so.] {I fear so, I fear so.}

CRUN:

Then I'll risk it, I'll shoot an elephant out of season.

{MINNIE:

You can't shoot an elephant out of season ...}

BOTH:

(Go off mumbling in distance).

GREENSLADE:

Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish - as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They are only found in Kent, North of a [straight] line drawn between two points, thus making it the shortest distance.

FX:

PENNY DROPPED IN TIN MUG.

GREENSLADE:

Thank you.

CRUN:

... well, if that's how it is I can't shoot any.

MINNIE:

Come Henry, we'd better be getting home - I don't want to be caught on the beaches if there's an invasion.

CRUN:

Neither do I {Minnie}- I'm wearing a dirty shirt and I - mnk - don't -

FX:

CLANK OF IRON OVEN DOOR.

CRUN:

...{Oh,} Minnie?

MINNIE:

What what {what what what what what what}?

CRUN:

{Minnie,} Did you hear a gas oven door slam just then?

\MINNIE:

Don't be silly, Henry - who'd be walking around these cliffs with a gas oven?\

\CRUN:

Lady Docker.\

MINNIE:

\Yes, but apart from the obvious ones -\ who'd want to ...

FX:

WHOOSH. SPLOSH.

MINNIE:

Ooooooooooooooohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoohohohoho ...

CRUN:

No, I've never heard of him.

MINNIE:

Help, Henery - I've been struck down from behind {buddy}. Helpp.

CRUN:

Mnk - oh dear dear {Poor Minnie}. (Calls) Police - English Police - Law Guardians???

MINNIE:

Not too loud Henry, they'll hear you.

{CRUN:

Police of the law.}

FX:

TWO TOOTS ON POLICE WHISTLE. {WHOOSH.}

SEAGOON:

[(approaching)] Can I help you, sir?

CRUN:

Are you a policeman?

SEAGOON:

No, I'm a constable.

CRUN:

What's the difference?

SEAGOON:

They're spelt differently.

MINNIE:

Ohhhhhhhh. {Help me differently spelt constable.}

SEAGOON:

Oh! What's happened to this dear old silver-bearded lady?

CRUN:

She was struck down from behind.

SEAGOON:

And not a moment too soon - congratulations, sir.

CRUN:

I didn't do it.

SEAGOON:

Coward - hand back your OBE. Now tell me who did this felonious deed. What's happened to her?

CRUN:

It's {much} too dark to see - strike a light.

SEAGOON:

Not allowed in blackout.

MINNIE:

Strike a dark light.

SEAGOON:

No madam, we daren't - why, only twenty-eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching this coast.

CRUN:

Don't {you} be a silly-pilly policeman.

{MINNIE:

Bravo Henry.}

{CRUN:

Piddle Pooh.}

{MINNIE:

Piddle Pooh.}

CRUN:

{They, they, } they can't see a little match being struck.

SEAGOON:

Oh, alright.

FX:

MATCH STRIKING - QUICK WHOOSH OF SHELL - SHELL EXPLODES.

SEAGOON:

(Down hole - echos) Any questions?

CRUN:

Yes - where are my legs?

{MINNIE:

Where are mine.}

SEAGOON:

Now are you aware of the danger from German long-range guns?

CRUN:

Mnk ahh! {I have it}. I've got it. I have {got} the answer - just by chance I happen to have on me a box of German matches.

SEAGOON:

Wonderful - strike one - they won't dare fire at their own matches.

{CRUN:

Of course not. Now ...}

FX:

MATCH STRIKING AND FLARING. WHOOSH OF SHELL. SHELL EXPLOSION.

CRUN:

... Curse ... the British {(fading off) the British, the British}!!!

SEAGOON:

We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it - so we waited for dawn - and there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister. It was - a Batter Pudding.

ORCHESTRA:

DRAMATIC CHORD.

CRUN:

It's still warm, Minnie.

MINNIE:

Thank Heaven - I hate cold Batter Pudding.

CRUN:

Come, dear little Minnie, I'll take you home {with me Minnie}, {I'll} give you a hot bath - rub you down with the anti-vapour rub - put a plaster on your back - give your little feet a mustard bath, and then put you to bed.

SEAGOON:

Do you know this woman?

CRUN:

Devilish man!

{MINNIE:

Naughty man.}

CRUN:

{Naughty, naughty, horrible naughty man.} - of course I do - this is Minnie Bannister, the world-famous poker player - give her a good poker and she'll play any tune you like {on it}.

SEAGOON:

Well, get her off this cliff, it's dangerous. Meantime, I must report this to the Inspector. I'll call on you later - goodbye.

FX:

PAUSE. DISTANT SPLASH. COUPLE OF SWIMMING STROKES.

SEAGOON:

As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned dustbin thinking - now who on earth would want to strike another with a Batter Pudding? Obviously it wouldn't happen again, so I fell asleep. Nothing much happened that night - except that I was struck with a Batter Pudding.

MILLIGAN:

Mmmmm - it's all rather confusing, really.

GREENSLADE:

In the months to come, thirty-eight Batter Puddings were hurled at Miss Bannister - a madman was at large - Scotland Yard [were] {was} called in.

ORCHESTRA:

LINK.

GRYTPYPE:

(Sanders throughout, plummy voice) Inspector Seagoon - my name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, Special Investigation. This Batter Pudding Hurler -

SEAGOON:

Yes?

GRYTPYPE:

He's made a fool of the police.

SEAGOON:

I disagree - we were fools long before he came along.

GRYTPYPE:

You silly twisted boy. Nevertheless, he's got to be stopped - now, Seagoon -

SEAGOON:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

GRYTPYPE:

... Please don't do that. Now, these Batter Puddings - they were obviously thrown by hand.

SEAGOON:

Not necessarily - some people are pretty clever with their feet.

GRYTPYPE:

For instance?

SEAGOON:

Tom Cringingknutt.

GRYTPYPE:

Who's he?

SEAGOON:

He's a man who's pretty clever with his feet.

GRYTPYPE:

What's his name?

SEAGOON:

Jim Phlatcrok.

GRYTPYPE:

Sergeant Throat?

THROAT:

Sir?

GRYTPYPE:

Make a note of that.

THROAT:

Right. Anything else {sir}?

GRYTPYPE:

Yes.

THROAT:

Right.

GRYTPYPE:

[Good.] Now Seagoon, these Batter Puddings - were they all identical?

SEAGOON:

All except the last one. Inside it - we found .... this.

GRYTPYPE:

[Oh!] {What!} An Army Boot! So the Dreaded Hurler is a military man. Any troops in the town?

SEAGOON:

The fifty-sixth Heavy Underwater Artillery.

GRYTPYPE:

Get there at once - arrest the first soldier you see wearing one boot.

SEAGOON:

Ying tong iddle i po.

GRYTPYPE:

Right - off you go.

ORCHESTRA:

BLOODNOK SIGNATURE.

BLOODNOK:

Bleiough - aeioughhh - bleioughhhh - how dare you come here to my H.Q. with such a ridiculous -

SEAGOON:

I tell you, Major Bloodnok, I must ask you to parade your men.

BLOODNOK:

Why?

SEAGOON:

I'm looking for a criminal.

BLOODNOK:

You find your own - it took me years to get this lot.

SEAGOON:

Ying tong iddle i po.

BLOODNOK:

Very well then - bugler Max Geldray? Sound fall in - the hard way.

INTERVAL:

MAX & ORCHESTRA: "THEY WERE DOING THE MAMBO".

(applause)

ORCHESTRA:

LINKING TUNE (SLIGHTLY NAUTICAL?)

ORCHESTRA & CAST:

MURMURS OF DISTRUST UNDER:

BLOODNOK:

Silence {, silence}, lads! {silence, lads, lads lads lads lads. Lads, my der lovely hairy lads} I'm sorry I had to get you out of bed in the middle of the day - but I'll see you get extra pay for this {I promise you}.

ORCHESTRA & CAST:

You flat 'eaded kipper - Gawn, drop dead - I'll claht yer flippin' head - Gorn, shimmer orf.

BLOODNOK:

Ahhhhhhh, that's what I like - spirit. Now, Seagoon - which is the man?

SEAGOON:

I walked {along} [among] the {sallied} ranks looking for the soldier with one boot, but my luck was out: the entire regiment were barefooted - all save the officers, who wore reinforced concrete socks.

BLOODNOK:

{I say} [Look] Seagoon, it's getting dark. You can't see in this light.

SEAGOON:

I'll strike a match.

FX:

MATCH. WHOOSH OF SHELL. SHELL EXPLOSION.

SEAGOON:

Curse, I forgot about the Germans.

ECCLES:

We want our beddy byes.

SEAGOON:

Who are you?

ECCLES:

Me? - I'm Lance Private Eccles, but most people call me by my nick-name.

SEAGOON:

What's that?

ECCLES:

[Hahum.] Nick {! hahahuho - (going off) that's a joke, I made a joke about Nick ~~~}.

SEAGOON:

I inspected the man closely - he was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being without actually being one.

BLOODNOK:

I say Seagoon - surely you don't suspect this man - why, we were together in the same company during that terrible disaster.

SEAGOON:

What company was that?

BLOODNOK:

Desert Song 1933.

SEAGOON:

Were you both in the D'Oyly Carte?

BLOODNOK:

Right in the D'Oyly Carte.

SEAGOON:

I don't wish to know that.

{BLOODNOK:

I say, I say.}

SEAGOON:

But wait!! At last - by the light of a passing glue factory - I saw that Eccles was only wearing - one boot [!].

ECCLES:

Well, I only got one boot.

SEAGOON:

I know - but why are you wearing it on your head?

ECCLES:

Why? {why?} It fits, dat's why - what a silly question - [why - why -]

SEAGOON:

Let me see that boot. (Sotto) Mmmm, size nineteen ... (Aloud) What size head have you got?

ECCLES:

Size nineteen.

SEAGOON:

Curse - the man's defense was perfect - Major Bloodnok?

BLOODNOK:

How dare you call me Major Bloodnok.

SEAGOON:

That's your name.

BLOODNOK:

In that case - I forgive you.

SEAGOON:

Where's this man's other boot?

BLOODNOK:

Stolen.

SEAGOON:

{By whome} [Who by]?

BLOODNOK:

A thief.

SEAGOON:

You sure it wasn't a pickpocket?

BLOODNOK:

Positive - Eccles never keeps his boots in his pocket.

SEAGOON:

Damn.

{BLOODNOK:

(long way off) Damn.}

{MILLIGAN?:

(long way off) Damn.}

SEAGOON:

They all had a watertight alibi - but just to make sure I left it in a fish tank overnight. Next morning my breast pocket 'phone rang.

FX:

RING.

SEAGOON:

Hello?

CRUN:

(distort) Mr. {Secombe} [Seagoon] - Minnie's been hit with another Batter Pudding.

SEAGOON:

Well, that's nothing new.

CRUN:

It is - this one was stone cold.

SEAGOON:

Cold???

CRUN:

Yes - he must be losing interest in her.

SEAGOON:

It proves also that the Phantom Batter Pudding Hurler has had his gas-pipe cut off! Taxi!

FX:

BAGPIPES RUNNING DOWN.

ABDUL:

(Indian accent) Yes sir {(fast, garbled) hooray, peru, daniel, \poor old Marilyn Munroe\, poor old joe}

SEAGOON:

The Bexhill Gas Works, and step on it.

ABDUL:

Very good Sir {hooray, here we go}.

FX:

BAGPIPES SPEEDING UP. FADE OFF.

GREENSLADE:

Listeners may be puzzled by a taxi sounding like bagpipes. The truth is - it is all part of the BBC new economy campaign. They have discovered that it is cheaper to travel by bagpipes - not only are they more musical, but they come in a wide variety of colours. See your local Bagpipe Office{r}[s] and ask for particulars - you won't be disappointed.

MILLIGAN:

It's all rather confusing, really ...

\SELLERS:

Meantime, Neddie Seagoon had arrived at the Bexhill Gas and Coke Works.\

\SEAGOON:

Phewwwwwww blimeyyyyy - anyone about?\

\ODIUM:

Yerererererere ~~~ talk to me ~~~ (fast mumble).\

\SEAGOON:

Good.\

\ODIUM:

Yerrer.\

\SEAGOON:

I'd like a list of people who haven't paid their gas bills.\

\ODIUM:

Yererererere ~~~~(garble)-\

\SEAGOON:

Oh, thank you. Now here's a good list - I'll try this number.\

\FX:

DIALLING PHONE UNDER:\

\SEAGOON:

I think we've got him this time - hello?\

\WINSTON CHURCHILL:

(Sellers - distort) Ten Downing Street here.\

\SEAGOON:

(gulp) {owl} I'm {terribly} sorry.\

\FX:

PHONE DOWN CLICK.\

\SEAGOON:

No, it couldn't be him - who would he want to throw a Batter Pudding at?\

\FX:

QUICK PHONE RING.\

\SEAGOON:

Hello? Police here.\

\MR ATTLEE:

(Milligan) This is Mr. Attlee - someone's just thrown a Batter Pudding at me.\

ORCHESTRA:

TYMPANY ROLL HELD UNDER:

SEAGOON:

Months went by {- I couldn't stop them}. Still no sign of the Dreaded Hurler. Finally I walked the streets of Bexhill at night disguised as a human man - then suddenly!

ORCHESTRA:

FLARING CHORD.

SEAGOON:

Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly mark you. Disappointed, I lit my pipe.

FX:

MATCH. WHOOSH OF SHELL. EXPLOSION OF SHELL.

SEAGOON:

Curse those Germans.

MORIARTY:

(slightly french) Pardon me, my friend.

SEAGOON:

I turned to see the speaker - he was a tall man wearing sensible feet and a head to match. He was dressed in the full white outfit of a Savoy chef - around his waist were tied several thousand cooking instruments - {and} behind him he pulled a portable gas stove from which issued forth the smell of Batter Pudding.

MORIARTY:

Could I borrow a match? You see, my gas has gone out and my Batter Pudding was just about to start browning.

SEAGOON:

Certainly. Here - no {,no, no} - keep the whole box - I have another match at home.

MORIARTY:

So rich. Well, thank you, m'sieu - you have saved my Batter Pudding from getting cold. {As you'll agree} There's nothing {quite so bad as} [worse than] being struck down with a cold Batter Pudding.

SEAGOON:

(suspicious) Oh yes.

MORIARTY:

{Of course, well} Good night {m'sieu. (pause) Good night}.

SEAGOON:

I watched the strange man as he pulled his gas stove away into the darkness. But I couldn't waste time watching him - my job was to find the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.

\GREENSLADE:

Those listeners who think that Seagoon is not cut out to be a detective - please write to him care of Rowton House.\

SEAGOON:

On December 25th the Hurler changed his tactics - that day Miss Bannister was struck with a Christmas Pudding. Naturally, I searched the workhouse.

[WILLIUM:

No sir - we ain't had no Christmas puddin' here, have we mate?]

[MILLIGAN:

No.]

[WILLIUM:

We ain't had none for three years, have we mate?]

[MILLIGAN:

No - it's all rather annoying, really.]

[CRUN:

(approaching) Ahh Mr. Sniklecrum ...]

[MINNIE:

Ahhhhh.]

[SEAGOON:

Mr. Crun, Miss Bannister, what are you doing here?]

[CRUN:

Mnk, Minnie had a letter this morning.]

[MINNIE:

I had a letter.]

[CRUN:

Mn gnup ... I'll tell him, Minnie.]

[MINNIE:

Thank you, Henry.]

[CRUN:

Mnk - yes, she had a -]

[MINNIE:

Yess, you tell him.]

[CRUN:

Alright, I'll tell ...]

[MINNIE:

... Yes ...]

[CRUN:

She had a lett ...]

[SEAGOON:

Yes, I know she had a letter - what about it?]

[CRUN:

It proves that the Batter Pudding Hurler is abroad.]

[SEAGOON:

What? Why? How?]

[CRUN:

It was post-marked Africa - and inside was a portion of Batter Puddin'.]

{GRYTPYPE:

Mmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm Seagoon the Hurler is abroad.}

{SEAGOON:

What's that sir?}

{GRYTPYPE:

...mmmmm, a Miss Banister has just received this letter, it was post marked Africa. And inside was a portion of Batter Pudding.}

MINNIE:

Yes - he hasn't forgotten me {buddy}.

SEAGOON:

So he's in Africa - (deliberate) now we've got him cornered.

SEAGOON:

I must leave at once. {Where is my power-packed giant assistant. (pause)} Bluebottle!

BLUEBOTTLE:

(pause) ngeighhh. I heard you call {me}, my Capatain - I heard my Captain call {me} - waits for audience applause - not a sausage - \puts on I don't care expression as done by Aneurin Bevan at Blackpool Conservative Rally.\

SEAGOON:

Bluebottle - you and I are going to Africa.

BLUEBOTTLE:

Good{y, goody} - can we take sandwiches?

SEAGOON:

Only for food - any questions?

BLUEBOTTLE:

No.

SEAGOON:

I can't answer that - can you?

BLUEBOTTLE:

No.

SEAGOON:

Ignorant swine. Got that down, Sergeant Throat?

THROAT:

Yes.

SEAGOON:

Good.

THROAT:

Yes.

SEAGOON:

Right, we catch the very next troop convoy to Algiers. And who better to drive us out of the country than Ray Ellington and his Quartet?

INTERVAL:

Ellington & Quartet "OL' MAN RIVER."

(applause)

ORCHESTRA:

"VICTORY AT SEA" THEME.

SELLERS:

(hern) And now ...

FX:

WASH OF WAVES ON SHIP'S PROW.

GREENSLADE:

(slowly) Seagoon and Bluebottle travelled by sea. To avoid detection by enemy U-boats, they spoke German throughout the voyage, heavily disguised as Spaniards.

SELLERS:

As an added precaution they travelled on separate decks and wore separate shoes on different occasions.

SEAGOON:

The ship was disguised as a train - to make the train sea-worthy it was done up to look like a boat and painted to appear like a tram.

MILLIGAN:

... All rather confusing, really.

SEAGOON:

Also on board were Major Bloodnok and his regiment. When we were ten miles from Algiers we heard a dreaded cry.

ECCLES:

(off) Mine ahead - {owhl, owhl, dirty big} [dreadful sea-] mine ahead.

BLOODNOK:

(approach) {I say, I say, I say} What's happening here - why are all these {naughty} men cowering down on deck, the cowards?

SEAGOON:

There's a mine ahead.

BLOODNOK:

Mi -

FX:

HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY. PAUSE. SPLASH.

SEAGOON:

Funny, he wasn't dressed for swimming.

ECCLES:

[Hey]{Oh, Here, here, here}, dere's no need to worry {fellas} about the mine -

[BLUEBOTTLE:

Yes, I must worry - I don't want to be deaded - I'm wearing my best sports shirt. Hurriedly puts on cardboard tin hat.]

ECCLES:

[Don't worry - dat mine, it can't hurt us -] it's one of ours.

FX:

EXPLOSION.

(pause)

{ECCLES:

Ohhhhhh.}

[SEAGOON:

Eccles, is the ship sinking?]

[ECCLES:

Only below the sea.]

[SEAGOON:

We must try and save the ship - help me get it into the lifeboat.]

[ECCLES:

O.K. ... Upppppppppp.]

[BOTH:

(Grunts and groans.)]

[ECCLES:

It's no good, the ship won't fit in the lifeboat.]

[SEAGOON:

What a ghastly oversight by the designer. Never mind, it leaves room for one more in the boat.]

[BLOODNOK:

I'm willing to fill that vacancy.]

[SEAGOON:

How did you get back on board?]

[BLOODNOK:

I was molested by a lobster with a disgusting mind.]

[SEAGOON:

Right, Bloodnok, do your duty.]

[BLOODNOK:

(calls) Women and children first.]

[SEAGOON:

Bloodnok, take that dummy out of your mouth.]

[ECCLES:

Hey, don't leave me behind.]

[BLOODNOK:

And why not?]

[ECCLES:

... Give me time and I'll think of a reason.]

[BLOODNOK:

Right, wait here until Apple Blossom Time - meantime, Seagoon, lower away.]

[FX:

WINCHES.]

[ECCLES:

Hey - if you make room for me, I'll pay ten pounds.]

[FX:

SPLASH.]

[SEAGOON:

(off) You swine Bloodnok -]

[BLOODNOK:

Business is business - get in Eccles.]

[ECCLES:

Ta.]

[SEAGOON:

(off) Look, I'll pay twenty pounds for a place in the boat.]

[FX:

SPLASH.]

[BLOODNOK:

(off) Aeiough, you double-crosser, Eccles...]

[ECCLES:

Get in, Captain Seagoon.]

[HARRY:

Ahhh, thank you Eccles - myyy friend.]

[BLOODNOK:

(off) Thirty pounds for a place.]

[FX:

SPLASH.]

[ECCLES:

(off) You ain't my friend.]

[BLOODNOK:

Ahhh, good old Seagoon, you've saved me.]

[SEAGOON:

My pal.]

[ECCLES:

(off) Fifty pounds for a place in the boat.]

[FX:

TWO DISTANT SPLASHES.]

[MILLIGAN:

Alert listeners will have heard two splashes - this means that both Bloodnok and Seagoon have been hurled in the water - who could have done this?]

[BLUEBOTTLE:

Ha heuheuheuheuheuhuh - I dood it I doo - I hid behind a tin of dry biscuits and then I grabbed their tootsies and upppp into the water - ha heheu huehhhhh -]

[ECCLES:

Bluebottle, you saved my life.]

[BLUEBOTTLE:

O ha well, we all make mistakes! I like this game - what school do you go to?]

[ECCLES:

Reform. (Both fading off)]

[SEAGOON:

Tricked by the brilliant planning of Bluebottle and Eccles, ]

SEAGOON:

Bloodnok and I floundered in the cruel sea.

FX:

SEA LAPPING FOR THE WHOLE SCENE UNDER:

BLOODNOK:

Fortunately we found a passing lifeboat and dragged ourselves aboard.

SEAGOON:

We had no oars but luckily we found two outboard motors and we rowed with them.

BLOODNOK:

Brilliant.

SEAGOON:

For thirty days we drifted to and fro - then hunger came upon us.

BLOODNOK:

Aeioughhhhhhhh - if I don't eat soon I'll die {of hunger} and if I die I won't eat soon. Wait {a moment} - (sniffffff sniff sniff sniff sniff) can I smell cooking or do my ears deceive me?

SEAGOON:

He was right [- he has smelly ears] - something was cooking - there in the other end of the lifeboat was - a gas stove! Could this be the end of our search?

BLOODNOK:

I'll knock on the oven door.

FX:

KNOCKING ON OVEN DOOR.

MORIARTY:

(off) Just a minute {please}, I'm in the bath ... (Pause)

FX:

FOOTSTEPS ON IRON STAIRS. MORIARTY SINGING. OVEN DOOR OPENS.

MORIARTY:

Good morning - I'm sorry - you!!!

SEAGOON:

Yes - remember Bexhill - I lent you the matches.

MORIARTY:

You don't want them back?

SEAGOON:

Don't move - I arrest you as the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.

{MORIARTY:

Sacre bleu!}

SEAGOON:

Hands up, you devil - don't move - this finger is loaded.

MORIARTY:

If you kill me I promise {you,} you'll never take me alive.

BLOODNOK:

Wait - how can we prove {he's the hurler} [it]?

SEAGOON:

That Batter Pudding in the corner of the stove is all the evidence we need. (confident) We've got him.

ORCHESTRA:

CRASHING TRIUMPHANT THEME.

FX:

LAPPING OF WAVES UNDER:

GREENSLADE:

But it wasn't {so} easy - forty days they drifted in an open boat.

VIOLIN:

"HEARTS AND FLOWERS".

BLOODNOK:

Oooaeioughhh, I tell you Seagoon - let's eat the Batter Pudding or we'll starve!!

SEAGOON:

(gasping) No, d'yer hear me - no! That's the only evidence we've got - though I must admit this hunger does give one an appetite.

BLOODNOK:

We must eat it or die.

SEAGOON:

Never!!!

BLOODNOK:

[We must.]{Very well then I shall stop playing my Violin.}

BOTH:

(Fade off)

GREENSLADE:

And that, we fear is the end of our story except, of course, for the end - we invite listeners to submit what they think should be the classic ending. Should Seagoon eat the Batter Pudding and live or leave it and in the cause of justice - die? {Send your suggestions on a piece of batter-pudding.} Meantime, for those of you cretins who would like a happy ending - here it is.

GRAMS:

SWEET BACKGROUND MUSIC, VERY, VERY SOFT UNDER:

HARRY:

Darling - darling, will you marry me?

BLOODNOK:

Of course I will - darling.

GREENSLADE:

Thank you - good night.

ORCHESTRA:

SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR -

GREENSLADE:

That was the Goon Show - a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programmed produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA:

SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END.

(applause)

MAX & ORCHESTRA:

"CRAZY RHYTHM" PLAYOUT.