Bus Conductor:

Harry Secombe

Doctor Neddie Seagoon:

Harry Secombe

Member of Parliament 3:

Harry Secombe

Bluebottle:

Peter Sellers

Clement Attlee:

Peter Sellers

Grytpype-Thynne:

Peter Sellers

Headstone:

Peter Sellers

Henry Crun:

Peter Sellers

Lew Cash:

Peter Sellers

Major Dennis Bloodnok:

Peter Sellers

Member of Parliament 2:

Peter Sellers

Northerner 1:

Peter Sellers

Nurse:

Peter Sellers

Count Moriarty:

Spike Milligan

Eccles:

Spike Milligan

Member of Parliament 1:

Spike Milligan

Member of Parliament 4:

Spike Milligan

Minnie Bannister:

Spike Milligan

Northerner 2:

Spike Milligan

Sapone:

Spike Milligan

Taxi Driver:

Spike Milligan

GREENSLADE:

This is the BBC \Home Service\.

GRAMS:

FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

SELLERS:

And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is...

SECOMBE:

The Goon Show

GRAMS:

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING

SECOMBE:

Starrrp. Stop! (grams stop immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mister Greenslade? Do your duty, laddie

GREENSLADE:

Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid complications we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon, enter a human being.

SEAGOON:

My name is Ned Seagoon

GRAMS:

FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

SEAGOON:

Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in Harley Street, but the police moved me on. Huh-hmm, One morning in May, I was going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor

HEADSTONE:

Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.

SEAGOON:

Right. Headstone, put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in.

HEADSTONE:

This way, sir.

MORIARTY:

Ahhh, my dear Doctor Seagoon. Allow me, my card

SEAGOON:

My card

HEADSTONE:

My card

MORIARTY:

Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty. Have you ever heard of Lurgi?

SEAGOON:

There's no one of that name here.

MORIARTY:

Sacristi Bombet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale... In twelve-ninety-six on the Isle of Ewe.

SEAGOON:

Where?

MORIARTY:

Isle of Ewe.

SEAGOON:

I love you, too. Shall we dance?

MORIARTY:

I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded Lurgi struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, Lurgi had destroyed , silence please!, Lurgi had destroyed the entire population.

\SEAGOON:

What a splendid story.\

\MORIARTY:

Oui\

\SEAGOON:

Have you heard the story about the man who didn't marry Rita Hayworth.\

\MORIARTY:

Impossible.\

\SEAGOON:

(snigger).\

MORIARTY:

\As I was saying, Lurgi,\ Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human race.

ECCLES:

Then I'm okay, fellers. Hu hol.

SEAGOON:

Count Moriarty, why are you telling ME all this?

MORIARTY:

Why? Yesterday, Lurgi claimed its first victim in Britain.

SEAGOON:

Ha-Ha. You jest.

MORIARTY:

I jest what?

SEAGOON:

You just said that Lurgi just claimed its first victim in Britain.

BLOODNOK:

(off) I don't wish to know that, I say!

MORIARTY:

Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when Lurgi threatens? (quick intake of breath) Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, last night, my dear Seagoon (Secombe), I was a passenger on a bus in Oldham

SEAGOON:

You reckless continental, you!

MORIARTY:

Touche. The bus was passing the Werneth Fire Station, all was normal and it was raining quite... (fading out)

ORCHESTRA:

LINK MUSIC (SIMILAR TO "HANCOCK'S HALF HOUR" THEME TUNE )

FX:

SOUND OF ELECTRIC TROLLEY BUS, OR VERY QUIET BUS MOVING OFF, BACKGROUND CHATTER

CONDUCTOR:

(Secombe) Any more fares, please, Boundary (*2) Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

NORTHERNER 1:

(Sellers) What's to do with him?

CONDUCTOR:

Holding (???) tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, ee Yakka-Boo, eer Yakka Boo

NORTHERNER 2:

(Milligan) 'ere, loosen 'is collar

SEAGOON:

What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

NORTHERNER 1:

Stop the bus! Stop it.

SEAGOON:

Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo

NORTHERNER 2:

Give him air!

NORTHERNER 1:

Stand back right now!

CONDUCTOR:

Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo..(fades out)

MORIARTY:

Not a pretty sight!

SEAGOON:

Good Heavens! What happened then?

MORIARTY:

The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Oldham Royal Infirmary

SEAGOON:

And then?

MORIARTY:

And then...well, listen ...

ORCHESTRA:

HARP MUSIC FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC CHORD

CONDUCTOR:

Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're botherin' about at all ya see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo

DOCTOR:

Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in ...

CONDUCTOR:

(sucks in breath and holds breath)

DOCTOR:

... breathe out -

CONDUCTOR:

Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

DOCTOR:

Must you? Now breathe in again

???:

~~~ (???)

CONDUCTOR:

Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

DOCTOR:

Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo (then off, under Seagoon) Yakka Boo.

CONDUCTOR:

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

FX:

DOOR OPENS.

NURSE:

Yes. Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

OMNES:

"Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo"...(fades)

MORIARTY:

...(fading in) and that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks Britain could be destroyed by Lurgi and that includes you!

GRAMS:

WHOOSH,

FX:

CLOSING METAL DUSTBIN LID

MORIARTY:

Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon!

SEAGOON:

(from within the bin, slightly muffled) I'm watching television!

MORIARTY:

Come out!

FX:

DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED NOISILY

SEAGOON:

Oh please, please, I .. I ..I .. I don't know anything about Lurgi

MORIARTY:

Supristi! I will tell you all about Lurgi

SEAGOON:

Then you cure it

MORIARTY:

I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, you and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie\, Sir Robert Fleming\ and now you!

SEAGOON:

I agree. But what's Lurgi got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?

MORIARTY:

Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article.

FX:

NEWSPAPER BEING RUSTLED, AND WHIPPED OUT FLAT.

SEAGOON:

"Will any doctor with knowledge of Lurgi please communicate with Doctor Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"!

MORIARTY:

Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to save the nation from the dreaded Lurgi.

SEAGOON:

Yes, but I...

MORIARTY:

A Knighthood, position, riches - Money!

GRAMS:

WHOOSH AND DOOR CLOSES

FX:

PICK UP PHONE, DIALS

MORIARTY:

(singing) Niem solibadee en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Doctor, Grytpype-Thynne? Ah, listen, Grytpype. Moriarty here. Yes. He's just left, he's on his way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until he arrives here's Max Geldray

INTERVAL:

Max Geldray and Orchestra - "Pink Champagne"

(applause)

ORCHESTRA:

Harp Music Creating Mystic Effect

FX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR.

GRYTPYPE:

Come in!

FX:

DOOR OPENED.

SEAGOON:

Doctor Grytpype-Thynne?

GRYTPYPE:

The same.

SEAGOON:

My name is Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS:

FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION.

GRYTPYPE:

Upsa-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?

SEAGOON:

I've come to help fight Lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curite \, Phillip Harbin\ and now me!

GRYTPYPE:

You silly twisted boy, you. What are your qualifications?

SEAGOON:

I was struck off the Rolls twice

GRYTPYPE:

You can only be struck off the Rolls once

SEAGOON:

That'll give you some idea of my importance.

GRYTPYPE:

Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last twelve hours two-thousand more victims have been smitten with Lurgi.

SEAGOON:

(gulps) We must move fast.

GRYTPYPE:

What do you suggest?

SEAGOON:

South America?

GRYTPYPE:

No, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain.

SEAGOON:

Yes! Yes. First Lewis Carroll, Madame Tussaud \, Sir Robert Boothby\ and now me!

GRYTPYPE:

Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there -

SEAGOON:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

GRYTPYPE:

Please don't do that.

SEAGOON:

Ying-tong-iddle-i-po.

GRYTPYPE:

Good! I'll tell you a tale. At the moment Lurgi is confined to Oldham. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the Lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool

SEAGOON:

One moment, Doctor Grytpype.

GRYTPYPE:

Nuh, huh huh nuh um uh,

SEAGOON:

If you know the cure for Lurgi why don't you have the Knighthood and the riches?

GRYTPYPE:

I can't. You see, I'm married

SEAGOON:

Oh, I'm, I'm terribly sorry

\GRYTPYPE:

Well Seagoon lad. It must be you.\

\SEAGOON:

Yes, I suppose it must.\

\GRYTPYPE:

Mmm.\

\SEAGOON:

First Joe Louis then Call Me Madam, Mooney and King and now, me.\

\GRYTPYPE:

Hmmmm, I wonder what's gone wrong?\

MORIARTY:

Come Seagoon, off you go to the Councile Medicale. (so where did Moriarty spring from into this scene???)

ORCHESTRA:

Link Music

OMNES:

talking among themselves.

LEW CASH:

(music hall type laughter punctuating every sentence) Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed because, I want you to hear about this Lurgi lark, what their all doing their nut about in Lancashire. Here's the speaker, Dr, err...

SEAGOON:

Seagoon. Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS:

FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

LEW CASH:

My life, he's always doing that! Carry on, nut.

SEAGOON:

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?

BANNISTER:

What is Lurgi?

FX:

HEAVY RAPID FOOTSTEPS AS MINNIE IS FROG-MARCHED TO THE DOOR

BANNISTER:

(going off) Ngit Ngarg, Ngit ngit Narrgghh, narrrghh .

FX:

DOOR SLAMMED SHUT.

SEAGOON:

Any more questions? Now my plan is to set up Yakka-Bool Centres in Blackpool.

BANNISTER:

Mnnm, mnnm, I'm, I, I'm asking a civilian question. What is Lurgi?

CRUN:

That's another thing I want to know! What is Lurgi?

BANNISTER:

What is Lurgi?

CRUN:

Shut up

BANNISTER:

Shut up

CRUN:

Shut up

BANNISTER:

You shut up!

CRUN:

What is Lurji?

BANNISTER:

What is Lurgi, I've just asked that question, buddy.

CRUN:

Then why didn't you say so?

BANNISTER:

I did say so.

CRUN:

If you've already asked there's no point in me asking again.

BANNISTER:

Well anyhow, mmnnm, what is Lurgi?

\CRUN:

One question at a time.\

\BANNISTER:

It was only one question Henry.\

\CRUN:

But I've already asked that question.\

\BANNISTER:

Thank you. Thank you Doctor Crun, thank you. thank you.\

\CRUN:

Goodnight, goodnight Doctor Bannister.\

\SEAGOON:

Doctor Bannister?\

\CRUN:

Yes.\

\SEAGOON:

Gad, he looks different in his singlet.\

SEAGOON:

Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late. Isolate the Lurgi victims at Yakka-Bool Centres in Blackpool

BANNISTER:

Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy?

FX:

TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

SEAGOON:

(close to mic.) Hello?

GRYTPYPE:

(distort - on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund.

FX:

HANG-UP PHONE.

SEAGOON:

Yes, yes that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund.

BANNISTER:

(off) Bravo!

CRUN:

(off) Bravo!

GREENSLADE:

Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet

INTERVAL:

Ray Ellington and his Quartet - "My Very Good Friend The Milkman Says"

(applause)

\SEAGOON:

Thank you Sir Malcolm Sargent, thank you.\

SEAGOON:

And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Count Moriarty and Doctor Grytpype-Thynne a great continental tenor Giovanni Sapone

GRAMS:

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHISTLES

SAPONE:

(Milligan) (over grams) Thank you, thank you, Gracias, gracias. (grams fade) For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel the Road"

ORCHESTRA:

Drum roll, Grand And Lengthy Introduction

SAPONE:

I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road, all day long ...

MORIARTY:

(over music) I'll give him the signal now.

SAPONE:

I travel the road, - Oooowl Yakka-Boooooooo, Oooowl Yakka-Boo, Oooowl Yakka-Boo,

OMNES:

Yakka-Boo.... (continues under:)

SEAGOON:

Moriarty, Moriarty, the singer! He's got the Lurgi! Help! Run for your lives! Lurgiiiii!

ORCHESTRA:

Dramatic Link, Followed By Harps Again

FX:

KNOCKING ON METALLIC DUSTBIN

GRYTPYPE:

For the last time, come out of that dustbin.

SEAGOON:

(inside bin, muted) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch Lurgi

GRYTPYPE:

There is nothing to fear. Neddie, I'll tell you the cure.

FX:

DUSTBIN LID RAPIDLY OPENED. LID DROPS TO GROUND.

SEAGOON:

The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure? (panting)

GRYTPYPE:

Now sit down Neddie and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous quinsequonces of this dreaded Lurgi.

SEAGOON:

But, but, what's the cure?

GRYTPYPE:

The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them...

ORCHESTRA:

Time passing type harp link

GREENSLADE:

Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament was debating important affairs of state.

CAST:

(silence except for coughs of different types across room, goes on for 10 secs)

MEMBER 1:

(Milligan, very old) (stop start delivery) Err, who's, who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century?

CAST:

Here, here

MEMBER 2:

(Sellers)(Churchill like, but old) Um, they are, they were, taken up ...

CAST:

(Loud) cough, cough.

MEMBER 2:

... last December.

MEMBER 1:

Oh!

MEMBER 2:

Ah!

MEMBER 3:

(Secombe) Here, here.

MEMBER 1:

(stop start) Isn't it, isn't it time, they were taken up, again?

MEMBER 3:

Well done!

MEMBER 2:

Impossible! They've not been put back again yet.

MEMBER 1:

I don't believe that ~~~ ~~ ~~ (arguments continue under:)

GREENSLADE:

(over argument) The fierce debate was at its height when past the speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off!

FX:

DUSTBIN LID BEING THROWN OFF DRAMATICALLY, DROPPING TO GROUND.

SEAGOON:

Honourable members! \I have some important news concerning Lurgi.\

\MEMBER 1:

What, what, what is...\

\MEMBER 2:

Rubbish, get out, he's a Liberal.\

\SEAGOON:

First of all ...\

\MEMBER 2:

He's a Liberal!\ (??? why is this statement hilariously funny)

\SEAGOON:

... I must ask you to ...\

\MEMBER 1:

Speak up.\

\SEAGOON:

First of all, I must ask you all to lie on the floor.\

\ATTLEE:

(Sellers) Rubbish. I've never heard of such twaddle. Who are you sir?\

\SEAGOON:

My name is Ned Seagoon.\

\FX:

SEAGOON'S FALLING BOMB.\

\ATTLEE:

Is it all right to get up now?\

\SEAGOON:

You may rise Sir.\

\ATTLEE:

Aaaargh.\

SEAGOON:

\Now,\ Lurgi threatens us all.

BANNISTER:

What is Lurgi?

SEAGOON:

Lurgi, Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind.

BANNISTER:

Oooooh!

SEAGOON:

In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles.

CAST:

Rubbish! (General grumbles of disbelief) rubbish!

SEAGOON:

Now Gentlemen. Gentlemen, Oldham is already affected.

MEMBER 2:

What?

SEAGOON:

At this very moment more and more people are contracting Lurgi.

CAST:

(shouts of shock)

MEMBER 4:

A terrible state of affairs, I ... !

MEMBER 2:

(churchill type) Is there any known cure for Lurgi?

SEAGOON:

That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I discovered that all victims have one thing in common.

CAST:

What is it?

MEMBER 4:

(Milligan) Out with it man? Out with it.

SEAGOON:

None of them play in a brass band

CAST:

Good Heavens Incredible. Amazing. Unbelievable.

ATTLEE:

(churchill like) One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune from Lurgi?

SEAGOON:

Yes

ATTLEE:

Hmmm. \Anthony\ Give me an "A", would you?

ORCHESTRA:

Each instrument playing different notes, followed by dramatic link ended with harps

GREENSLADE:

Following the dramatic disclosure in Parliament, Doctor Ned Seagoon has been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign

MORIARTY:

...(fading in) See now Seagoon, you will need to order four million E Flat trombones.

SEAGOON:

That's going to cost something isn't it?

MORIARTY:

Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!

SEAGOON:

Yes.

GRYTPYPE:

If you can save Britain from Lurgi the government won't mind the expenditure.

SEAGOON:

You're right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzin and Gladys...

GRYTPYPE:

Yes, yes, yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you

SEAGOON:

Yes, Ha-Ha.

GRYTPYPE:

Three million Euphoniums, four million Sousaphones. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad.

MORIARTY:

And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known instrument makers.

GREENSLADE:

Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks Goosey and Bawkes had received fifty million pounds in brass band orders. They delivered them to some (???) thirty million musical instruments to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick.

GRAMS:

HUGE PROPELLER, PISTON DRIVEN, PLANES MOTORS RUNNING

SEAGOON:

(over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the bilges with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes. Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage.... Hooray! ... Better Second House.

SEAGOON:

Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work

BLUEBOTTLE:

But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look! Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot

SEAGOON:

Stop that dooting, man!

BLUEBOTTLE:

Hee-Hee.

SEAGOON:

Where's Major Bloodnok?

BLUEBOTTLE:

I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, ole!

SEAGOON:

Wait a moment, there is a part for you.

BLUEBOTTLE:

I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle. Now then, what do I say, Captain?

SEAGOON:

Read this, but don't read it until I tell you.

BLUEBOTTLE:

My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to him. Turns from windows so I will not shatter them.

SEAGOON:

(in distance) Right-O! Read it out now!

BLUEBOTTLE:

I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: (clears throat) "My name is Ned Seagoon"

GRAMS:

FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION.

BLUEBOTTLE:

You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we even started the game. And you have singed my Edward Perdom Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crepe-'air.

BLOODNOK:

Oh thud me cronker stops and duffel me latches. A civilian on army property? Who are you, sir?

SEAGOON:

I'd rather not say, sir, you see I...

BLOODNOK:

Come on out with it man! I'm broad-minded! Wait a minute you're not Ned...

SEAGOON:

Shhhhh, please

BLOODNOK:

What a strange sounding name.

SEAGOON:

Major Bloodnok...

BLOODNOK:

That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok

SEAGOON:

I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name.

BLOODNOK:

Of course it is, yes ahhh hah hah owl

SEAGOON:

Major Bloodnok

BLOODNOK:

I'm Major Bloodnok

SEAGOON:

Yes

BLOODNOK:

Yes

SEAGOON:

You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your band, the object being to instruct the Lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments

BLOODNOK:

Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, by the left, into the plane, quick march, chocks away

FX:

THUMP OF CHOCKS AWAY.

BLOODNOK:

..good luck!

GRAMS:

ROAR OF ENGINES AS PLANES TAKE OFF, HIGHER PITCHED WHINE (FADES)

SEAGOON:

What a sight! A thousand planes taking off towards Blackpool, soon it will all be over, Lurgi conquered by MEEE!

ORCHESTRA:

dramatic link ends in harps

GREENSLADE:

And now here's the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked regarding the dropping of some fifty million brass band instruments on Blackpool late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over twenty-five million pounds. As a result income tax will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-existent disease called Lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen...

GRYTPYPE:

Switch it off.

MORIARTY:

Yes, yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now,

GRYTPYPE:

Yes.

MORIARTY:

That's fifty thousand pounds for you, fifteen million for me, six million for me and then for the...

FX:

DOOR OPENED ABRUPTLY

SEAGOON:

Ah! There you are! (panting)

GRYTPYPE:

It's little Neddie.

SEAGOON:

I say, have you, have you heard the news? Th'.. (nervous titter) they say that there's no such disease as Lurgi (nervous titter).

GRYTPYPE:

No such disease as Lurgi?

MORIARTY:

Hoh hoh hoh.

GRYTPYPE:

And you went to the Houses of Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear!

SEAGOON:

Ayy? No but look, (nervous laugh) You, yo, you told me to tell them! I, I, m, mean...

(Grytpype and Moriarty talking together at the same time as they're packing)

GRYTPYPE:

Tooth brush ...

MORIARTY:

Yes.

GRYTPYPE:

Change of underwear ...

MORIARTY:

That's, er... two towels for you.

GRYTPYPE:

Yes. Got the plane tickets?

SEAGOON:

Wait, wait!

MORIARTY:

Two... two plane tickets to south of France

SEAGOON:

(nervous laugh) The', the', there. there is such a thing as Lurgi

MORIARTY:

What?

SEAGOON:

Isn't there? (laughs nervously) Eh, You told me there was, didn't you! I mean...

FX:

DOOR OPENS

TAXI DRIVER:

(Milligan) Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for Mister Goosey and Mister Bawkes to take them to the airport

SEAGOON:

Wait! You, you're the singer from the Albert Hall!

TAXI DRIVER:

Ohhh.

SEAGOON:

You've got Lurgi! Run for your lives! Lurgi! You've got ... (pause) ... wait a minute, Mister Goosey and Mister Bawkes?

GRYTPYPE:

Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know.

SEAGOON:

You must have made a fortune! You, you ...

GRYTPYPE:

Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Doctor Crippin, and now Muggins. (off) Good-bye.

FX:

DOOR SHUTS

SEAGOON:

Muggins? Who, who's Muggins? (sobs) oh, ooowl Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

ORCHESTRA:

Theme Tune

GREENSLADE:

That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. Ooooooooh Yakka-Boo.

ORCHESTRA:

Finish Theme Tune

BANNISTER:

(over start of playout) What are ~~ ~~ ~~~ What are ~~ ~~~ ~~~ (???)