The Dread London Fog by Matthew Jenkin ================================================================================================= Starring: Eccles Inspector Neddie Seagoon Moriarty Grytpype-Thynne Major Bloodnok Throat Bluebottle Little Jim Crun Minnie Jim Spriggs ================================================================================================= BILL: This is the BBC FX: Splat! BILL: Oh dear. PETER: Looks like it's another pea-souper. ORCH: Dramatic chord BILL: Ladies, Gentlemen and Eccles ECCLES: What is it, my good man? BILL: We present a tale of Victorian England entitled... PETER: The Dread London Frog! ORCH: Dramatic chords, slows, fades under following HARRY: Wait a minute, whoa there. Don't you mean 'fog'? PETER: No, it definitely says 'frog' here. SPIKE: I never wrote that! ALL: Argue - fades BILL: And so, thanks to a typing error, we come to The Dread London Frog, part the quodge. ORCH: Moody Chords SEAGOON: My name is Inspector Neddie Seagoon. I come from a respectable, middle-class family; my father was a dustman until the accident... MORIARTY: (interrupting) Sapristi Balloons! We haven't got time for your family history! You insufferable english pig... GRYTPYPE: Settle, settle, steaming frenchman. Now Neddie, there's been a change of plan. SEAGOON: What what what what what? GRYTPYPE: (pause) Never mind, you'll recover. It seems that due to a clerical error, this Goon Show has been misannounced. SEAGOON: You mean it's not 'The Dread London Fog'? GRYTPYPE: No. Instead are faced with the prospect of 'The Dread London FROG'. SEAGOON: (gulp) What can we do? GRYTPYPE: Well, it's quite simple my dear chap, quite simple. We just find out who mistyped the scripts and then we can get on with the show. SEAGOON: Of course! I'll start at once! This is a job for Scotland Yard! FX: Wooosh GRYTPYPE: There goes our Charlie. Now, Moriarty...where are you you hairy frenchman? MORIARTY: (off) I've finished my lines! GRYTPYPE: You idiot! This is no time to be following the script! Now come with me... BILL: Meanwhile at Scotland Yard: ORCH: Bloodnok theme (with explosions) BLOODNOK: Aiouegh! Those blasted pigeons! Now, where were we? FX: Knocking BLOODNOK: Arrgh! Quick, darling, get in the filing cabinet! THROAT: Right BLOODNOK: Come in! FX: Door opens and closes SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok! Something terrible has happened to our Goon Show! BLOODNOK: I haven't seen the ledgers since Tuesday! SEAGOON: Someone has...what? BLOODNOK: All the expenses have been entered correctly I tell you! SEAGOON: Never mind that, Major, someone has mistyped our title! BLOODNOK: You don't mean... SEAGOON: Yes! BLOODNOK: So that croaking wasn't coming from the House of Commons! SEAGOON: They don't wish to know that! BLOODNOK: We'll get on it right away! Eccles! FX: Drawer opens ECCLES: Yer, Major? BLOODNOK: Spread the word to all the men while we listen to Max Geldray! ECCLES: Okay. FX: Door opens and shuts SEAGOON: I say, Bloodnok, are you sure that man's reliable? BLOODNOK: (splutters) Reliable! Eccles?! Of course not! SEAGOON: Then why use him? BLOODNOK: I was paid well by a gentleman claiming to be Eccles' trainer. MUSICAL BIT BY MAX GELDRAY BILL: Ladies and Gentlemen. Since this Goon Show is no longer following the script, there doesn't seem to be much point in me staying here. Goodnight... SEAGOON: Wait! Stop there Wal, you're a suspect you know! BILL: Don't be ridiculous! SEAGOON: Oh no? You own a typewriter, don't you? Where's my Assistant? BLUEBOTTLE: I am here, capitan! Signals applause! FX: Boot hitting Bluebottle BLUEBOTTLE: You ungrateful swine audience! I came here specially to perform for you, and you nut me! SEAGOON: Never mind that, little knotted string, arrest that man! BLUEBOTTLE: What man, capitan? SEAGOON: He's got away! After him! FX: Running feet into distance FX: Long silence GRYTPYPE: Are you alone, Moriarty? MORIARTY: No! You're here with me! GRYTPYPE: I don't wish to know that! Now, where is that typewriter? MORIARTY: I've got it here! GRYTPYPE: Right, tie it to something heavy, and throw it into the river. MORIARTY: Tie to something heavy, tie to something heavy...aha! FX: Rope noises MORIARTY: There! Now hup! FX: Small splash. Sound of coil of rope rapidly being pulled elsewhere SEAGOON: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! FX: Very large splash LITTLE JIM: He's fallen in the water! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it's Lintle Jim. Where did my capitan go? LITTLE JIM: He falled in the water. BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. Thinks - this could mean promotion for me. Yeu he he he! Maybe now Molly Quats will pay attention to me; women can't resist a man in uniform. Yeu he he he he he he! BLOODNOK: You dirty little cardboard fool, you! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it's Majner Bloodnock. Springes to cardboard attention! Springe! Oooh, my back! BLOODNOK: I say, hide this bag in my car, will you? I shouldn't be seen with it. Aeiough! (leaves) BLUEBOTTLE: Rightho, Major. I will hid it like wot I have been asked to do. I will not fail in my duty... RAY: Man, hurry up! The sooner I do my number, the sooner I can leave. BLUEBOTTLE: Yueueueueu! It's Ray Illingtong! Don't come near me! FX: Woooosh MUSICAL BIT BY RAY ELLINGTON BLOODNOK: That was rather early wasn't it? RAY: Hey, if we're not following the script, I can play when I want to, man! BILL: Meanwhile in a small office in Nelson's Column... FX: Typing (continues under following) CRUN: Mnk...mn....Minnie? MINNIE: What is it, buddy? CRUN: Why are we still working in this office, Min? MINNIE: Because it's in the script, Henry, you know that. CRUN: Yes, I suppose so, you've got to have the documents. MINNIE: Yes, I said that to that nice man that came in this morning. CRUN: Yurgh...mnk....ahhn...man! What man? MINNIE: He came in this morning, buddy. He wanted to borrow the typewriter. CRUN: Sinful woman! Letting a man use your typewriter! MINNIE: I let you use my typewriter, buddy. CRUN: What's that got to do with it? MINNIE: You're a man, Henry! CRUN: What! And you've been working with me all these years! You sinful woman! BOTH: Argue (fades) ORCH: Bored chord SEAGOON: When I got out of the river, I found a suspicious set of footprints nearby. BILL: Seagoon followed them like a bloodhound! ECCLES: On all fours! Ha ha ho... FX: Gunshot ECCLES: Aoow! SEAGOON: He thought he'd given me the slip by going straight up the side of a building, but I found the trail again on the other side! Then, I saw who had left the footprints! It was a tall, poorly fitted man with his shirt untucked. ECCLES: (sings) I'm walking backwards for Christmas... SEAGOON: Hold it right there! ECCLES: Hallo! SEAGOON: Eccles! Are these your footprints? ECCLES: Yer, do you want some? SEAGOON: No thanks - they give me a headache, but tell me - why have you got your boots on upside-down? ECCLES: Oooooo. No wonder my feet hurt! BLOODNOK: (approaching) This is no good, Seagoon! If we don't find the culprit soon, we'll go overtime! SEAGOON: Then we'll have to buy more brandy for the actors! Quick! FX: Two woooshes ECCLES: (sings) Lai dum lackadai... BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, hello Encles. ECCLES: Hallo 'Bottle. BLUEBOTTLE: Encles, would you like to play a game? ECCLES: Yer! BLUEBOTTLE: This game is called 'Help Blunebontle carry a dirty big bagful of money'! ECCLES: Fine fine fine... BLUEBOTTLE: Let me put it on your back... FX: Straining bedsprings ECCLES: (with above) Oooaooowwooaooa BLUEBOTTLE: Now, follow me. We're going to Bermuda! Yeuhehehehe! I like dis game! ECCLES: Ooooo...I'll have to get some long underwear! (fades) FX: Approaching feet SEAGOON: Wait! Look there! A suspicious lamppost! BLOODNOK: How can you tell? It's giving off a good light. SEAGOON: But it's the middle of the day! BLOODNOK: Good heavens, you're right! Make a note of that. THROAT: Right. Anything else? BLOODNOK: No. THROAT: Right. SEAGOON: We don't have time for this! We have to search that lamppost! FX: Knocking on lamppost. Creak of oaken door GRYTPYPE: What is it...you! SEAGOON: Grytpype! So you're the one who changed the script! MORIARTY: Sapristi Lamppost! How did you find us? SEAGOON: You left your lights on. GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, you fool! I told you this wasn't the time to cook dinner! MORIARTY: But Grytpype, if I leave this ice cube any longer, it'll melt! GRYTPYPE: Silence, steaming count. Now Neddie, here's a reward for finding us. Close your eyes... FX: Wallop SEAGOON: Aowwwww! GRYTPYPE: Run for it, Moriarty! FX: Two wooshes. Pause. Approaching feet MORIARTY: He's just been 'Ow'! FX: Wooosh SEAGOON: Tricked! What now? BLOODNOK: Are you hungry? Assuming there are times when you're not... SEAGOON: Yes. BLOODNOK: Then I'll go and find us some dinner...(leaves) BILL: Well, I guess it's just me in the studio now. The orchestra seem to have left, and quite frankly, I don't blame them. FX: Wallop BILL: Oooaoowowoaooaow! I fall prone to the floor. Oooooo. FX: Raspberries (during above) MORIARTY: He's been 'Ow'.. GRYTPYPE: Silence, heavily-oiled french... MORIARTY: Ow. GRYTPYPE: Thank you. Now, open the safe. MORIARTY: Right! I'll just get my stethoscope! FX: Sound of dial being turned, tumblers. Safe door opens. MORIARTY: There! GRYTPYPE: You idiot, that's the fireplace! MORIARTY: Ooooowwwww. GRYTPYPE: Never mind, never mind. Climb into this keyhole. FX: Squeek MORIARTY: (with above) Hup...ahh. GRYTPYPE: Now have a nice rest, and enjoy this licorice...(leaves) MORIARTY: (Smacks lips, munching etc) Mmmmm... FX: Explosion MORIARTY: Owwooi-type-owww! GRYTPYPE: There there, you're knees will be back in no time. Now... FX: Safe door opens GRYTPYPE: Moriarty! The money's gone! MORIARTY: Look! A note. GRYTPYPE: Read it. MORIARTY: It says... BLOODNOK: (pre-recorded) Aeiough! Goodbye! No more dangerous episodes for me! GRYTPYPE: After him! FX: Two wooshes BLOODNOK: Here, Seagoon, I've got us some dinner! SEAGOON: Jolly good! What? BLOODNOK: Do you like frogs' legs? SPIKE: So much for the 'Dread London Frog'... MORIARTY: Sapristi! You make a joke of my national dish! SPIKE: I've made a joke of just about everything else... MORIARTY: I must restore French honour! Take that! FX: Gunshot SPIKE: You swine! I wrote you! Just for that! FX: Typewriter SPIKE: Moriarty looked up and... FX: Descending whistle MORIARTY: Aooowww! FX: Heavy thud GRYTPYPE: Oh dear, it's happened again. And he had just been... MORIARTY: (very muffled and weak) Ow. GRYTPYPE: ...too. Now! Hands up! BLOODNOK: Aeiough! SEAGOON: What do you want now? GRYTPYPE: The money from the BBC safe! BLOODNOK: It's a lie! I never took it! SEAGOON: So that's why you changed the script! GRYTPYPE: Yes, it was the only way to get you all out of the studio. Now, hand it over! BLOODNOK: Alright. It's in my car. Bluebottle put it there for me. FX: Car door GRYTPYPE: Empty! SEAGOON: So where's the money? BILL: Meanwhile, in a holiday resort in Bermuda... BLUEBOTTLE: I like dis game, don't you Encles! ECCLES: Yer, it's fine fine...fine. ORCH: Crazy Rythym playout BILL: That was a Goon Show writted by Matthew Jenkin, and starring nobody as it's never been performed. Actually making it could be a problem, as at least two of the performers are deceased, and the rest are all pensioners. Nevertheless, thank you for listening. SEAGOON: An ending! Hooray! BILL: Wait a moment, little nurk. ORCH Music slows to a halt BILL: While I'm sure the listeners share your sentiments, there are still one or two things to be cleared up... SEAGOON: Such as? FX: Explosion BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine you! Just when I was winning for a change! You're lucky I even came here, I got nutted by the audience and now you blow me up! I was lying on a beach... SEAGOON: Shut up! BLUEBOTTLE: Shut up! FX: Gunshot BLUEBOTTLE: You swine-capitan you! Sulks. SEAGOON: Now, what else has to be done Wal? FX: Sirens JIM: (policeman) Hands up! I arrest you for stealing the BBC's money! SEAGOON: No, it was Bloodnok! No, wait, it was Grytpype and Moriarty! No, no, it was Bluebottle and Eccles! JIM: (policeman) A likely story! Come with me Jim. (with me Jiiim...) SEAGOON: Aaaahhhhhh! (fades into music)