GREENSLADE: Ladies and
gentlemen, we present episode B4 of the highly esteemed Buffy Show! Let me paint
the scene for you; Sunnydale, in the year 2003.
GILES: Hold hard there a minute Wal. Shouldn't we tell
the folks what happened before? GREENSLADE: Before
what? GILES: Before
B4. GREENSLADE: Much more of that sort of chat and I
shall be forced to speak to Mr. Whedon. GILES: My dear
fellow, everybody has to be forced to speak to Mr. Whedon. Enough! On with
the show. Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you heard this sound
- FX: thwack SPIKE: Here,
that hurt that did. Bloody stakes. GILES: And how rare
are they? Hahaha. Stakes .. bloody… rare… Ahem. That sound featured James
Marsters and his almost English accent., in which you heard him say -
SPIKE: The Case of the Strangled
Nurk. GILES: Yes, the case of the strangled nurk. A case
so horrifying even the late night repeat got cut. One night in Sunnydale - and
this is where the story really starts - a strange thing occurred. Set the scene
type thing, Wal. GREENSLADE: With pleasure, sir. Picture
if you will a graveyard in a small Californian town. As the mist creeps around
the headstones, a figure is seen creeping silently through the undergrowth, a
figure as silent as the leopard stalking its prey - the figure of Buffy, the
Vampire Slayer. FX: loud crash, falling rocks,
bottles, cans etc. BUFFY: Who left that there. I can't
slay while all this noise is going on, it's too much I tell you
….. ANGEL: Mnk, calm down Buff, you've been overdoing the
supplements again, you naughty modern slayer type woman,
you. BUFFY: Ooooooh, Angel, I can feel my special slayer
powers waning, man, I need a boost quick! ANGEL: Oh, ah,
mnk, you sinful slayer you, you know we only use the special appliances at full
moon! BUFFY: Angel. ….. ANGEL: Mm,
yes, Buff? BUFFY: Have you got hold of my
hand? ANGEL: No, Buff, I haven't got hold of any of you.
I'm only just holding my own. BUFFY: In that case there's
a demon gripping my digits. ANGEL: How do you know it's a
demon, Buffy? BUFFY: Who else but a demon would be in a
graveyard at midnight? ANGEL: Cherie
Blair. BUFFY: Apart from the obvious ones. Anyway, it's
all cold and clammy, Angel, all dead, like a creature without any life or brain
of its own!
WILLOW: Hellooo. BUFFY: Willow?
Is that you? What are you doing here? WILLOW: Everybody's
gotta be somewhere … BUFFY: And why are you talking in
that strange voice? WILLOW: Cos dere ain't enough parts
for men in dis show, dat's why …. Here, what you doin' hangin' around der
graveyard at dis time of night? BUFFY: We're waiting to
surprise a vampire, and chop his head off. WILLOW: Chop
his head off? Why don't you just stake him? ANGEL: You
can't get the wood, you know … BUFFY: Willow, I need a
volunteer for a mission that needs courage, initiative and
brains. WILLOW: Nope, nobody like dat round
here. BUFFY: There's money in
it. FX: whoosh GILES: Did
I hear someone say money? Allow me to present my credentials. Rupert 'The
Ripper' Giles, jobs done, will travel, has own truss. What does the job
pay? BUFFY: Three dollars and forty-nine cents, and all
the garlic you can eat. All you have to do is get a coffin out of a
grave. GILES: Get a coffin out of a grave? Why, that's
money for old rope. BUFFY: What do you need old rope
for? GILES: I have simple tastes. I'll take the
job. BUFFY: Excellent. Would you care for a
grimoire? GILES: No thanks, I prefer incunabula ..
they're milder. Now, where's this coffin? BUFFY: Over
there … the one marked 'Dangerous Vampire, Do Not
Move' GILES: Curses, I've been sponned! What I need now
is a simpleton who will believe anything he's
told. XANDER: Did you call, my capitain? Enter Alexander
Harris, nobbly knees shining in the moonlight, waits for applause, not a
sausage. Thinks; I shall never get my own spin-off series at this
rate. GILES: Xander! Dear lad, dear little loony lad,
would you like a half share in a copy of the Owners Manual for the
Enterprise-D? XANDER: Yes, my capting! That will impress
that flaky demon woman I've been trying to chat up down the Bronze. They say
she'll show it all for five bucks - thinks - wonder what she'd do for
ten? GILES: Very well. To earn your reward, al you have
to do is move that coffin from out of that
grave. XANDER: Here, it says on the gravestone,
'Dangerous Vampire, Do Not Move'. GILES: Haha. Take no
notice of that, lad, it means nothing, nothing I tell you.. Just dig it up, and
the reward shall be yours. XANDER: Very well, for the
honour of the East Sunnydale Babylon 5 Society, I will do
it. FX: digging
noises. XANDER: Here, this digging lark ain't half hard
work. I need an idiot to do all the heavy
lifting.. WILLOW: (singing) Ding-dong, der witch is Fred
...