SEAGOON: Arrrr that’s better, my floors clean again, yes it’s true what they say: a mans home is his castle. It’s just a pity I don’t live in a castle. All I have are these four walls. It’s a strange place really, no roof, no doors or windows. In fact now that I think about it I’m trapped. A prisioner of my own home. HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!

SEAGOON: I’m saved, there’s someone at the wall. Hello there.

GRYTPYPE: (Off mike - shouting) MORIARTY, drop the demolition ball, I do belive this man is trapped.

FX: Almighty crash as wall is demolished.

SEAGOON: (Slight pause) HORRAY!!! I’m saved. Free at last. But wait, look at my floor, it’s covered in dirt again. This won’t do I’ll have to hoover it again.

GRAMS: Hoover. (Winds down and explodes)

SEAGOON: Damn, It’s supposed to clean mess not make it.

GRYTPYPE: I say, can we be of some assistance.

SEAGOON: I saw before me two highly questionable fellows, clad in nothing more than the clothes they were wearing. One of them carrying a large sign which read...

ORCHESTRA: Russian dancing music.

SEAGOON: Quite ingenious.

GRYTPYPE: We know. Now could you please direct us toward your meter.

SEAGOON: My meter?

GRYTPYPE: Yes we wish to read it.

SEAGOON: Oh you don’t want to do that.

GRYTPYPE: Why?

SEAGOON: Well, it’s plots terrible, the charactors are one dimentional and it’s far two long. Not unlike this show (laughs).

GRYTPYPE: Yes, well we’ll be the judge of that.

SEAGOON: Alright. It’s just there under that pile of rubble.

GRYTPYPE: You mean your wall which we knocked down.

SEAGOON: Yes, yes of course, I’m free. And it’s all thanks to you. How can I ever thank you.
 

GRYTPYPE: Oh I’m sure we’ll think of something. But first about your
ruined Oxygen meter, it’ll have to be...
 

SEAGOON: Wait a minute, did you say OXYGEN meter.
 

GRYTPYPE: Why yes, you have, or should I say did have one don’t you?

SEAGOON: Tell me, is it small, black, have two red buttons, a slot and a circular dial with the words AIR TIME REMAINING printed on it in a Times typeface?

GRYTPYPE: Yes that’s it.

SEAGOON: Then I haven’t got one.

GRYTPYPE: Well you’d better get one hadn’t you sonny.

SEAGOON: But I’ve no need for such a device.

GRYTPYPE: Oh but you do. You see the worlds oxygen supply is diminishing, not because of the decline of the rainforests, but because of people like you, who use a hoover. The truth is that all the oxygen is being sucked up hoovers all over the world and this area has just been officially designated a OXYGEN FREE ZONE.

SEAGOON: So that means all the oxygen’s free then?

GRYTPYPE: No it means you haven’t any oxygen left.

SEAGOON: Ahh what tosh, I’ve never herd of anything so ludicrous.

GRYTPYPE: Well, your only alive now because your using the oxygen in your lungs, try breathing out and holding your breath.

SEAGOON: Alright.

GRYTPYPE: Believe me now.

SEAGOON: Mmmmmmm (Still mumbling)

GRYTPYPE: Would you like my dear friend, confidante and co-inventor of
the Oxygen meter, Count Jim "Flies" Oscilloscope Moriarty to rustle you up such a life saving oxygen meter.

SEAGOON: Mmmmmmm (panic mumbling)

GRYTPYPE: I’ll take that as a yes. Moriarty, to work.

MORIARY: At once, but you know I can only work to the harmonic sounds of Max Geldry.

GRYTPYPE: All in hand my little pneaumatic friend, here he is now, right on time. Care to dance Neddie.
 

SEAGOON: Mmmmmm (Deep deathly mumblings)

GRYTPYPE: There you are Neddie, your new OXYGEN meter. Switch it on Moriarty there’s a good fellow.

FX: Clicking sound.

SEAGOON: (Gasping for breath) It’s, It’s a, It’s a miracle, fresh clean air. I’m saved, again. (Breaks into uncontrolable singing).

GRYTPYPE: You silly twisted man.

SEAGOON: Wait a minute you shouldn’t have said that, that line has been cut from the show!

GRYTPYPE: I know, that’s why I switched the lines around in the interval.

SEAGOON: (Takes a breath as if to speak).

GRYTPYPE: For your line Neddie, thanks awfully.

FX: Knock on the wall.

WILLIUM: Scuse me mate, I’m from the Guiness Book of Records. Whichone of you just broke the world record for the longest time without oxygen?

SEAGOON: Me, I did. Am I going to be in the next edition then. Fame at last.

WILLIUM: Na mate, I just came round to tell ya we missed it. Bye.

GRAMS: WHOOSH.

SEAGOON: I didn’t wish to know that.

GRYTPYPE: Now Neddie, listen very carefully while Moriarty explains the
meters simple user instructions.

MORIARTY: When the dial on the display reaches zero, place a fifty pence in the slot. Each fifty gives you two hours of oxygen.

GRYTPYPE: And we’ll of course need the eighty pound installation chargeand twenty pound rental fee now.

SEAGOON: But...

GRYTPYPE: Do wish to go on breathing.

FX: Till

GRYTPYPE: Thankyou. Well we’ll be around next week to empty the meter. See you then. Bye charl...I mean Neddie. Come Moriarty.

GRAMS: WHOOSH WHOOSH.

SEAGOON: So there I was, left with my meter. But something told me I was not being told the whole truth. I didn’t trust Grytpype even though he’d saved my life, twice. Could the worlds oxygen be diminishing? I’ll find out for sure from my old proffessor friend.

SEAGOON: Hello is that Proffessor Henry Einstein Crun, ancient, inventor, scientist and part-time astronaught.

PROF CRUN: Yeeeeeeeeees.

SEAGOON: Ah my name is Neddie Seagoon.

PROF CRUN: So, what do you want me to do about it?

SEAGOON: Well, I’ve been told that the Earth’s oxygen supply is beensucked dry by hoovers, is it true.

PROF CRUN: Of course not you fool.

SEAGON: Phew that’s a relief.

PROF CRUN: (Getting irate) It’s being being sucked down our plug holes by the evil order of The Metropolitan Waste Refuse Authority, the little blighters have had it in for me ever since I refused to have that inside toilet fitted...

SEAGOON: The years had obviously taken there toll on the poor proffessor, for he was quite cleary mad. I hastily replaced the reciever.

SEAGOON: A search which was leading me no where, and fast. Once there I met up with this man...

ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME.

BLOODNOK: Ohhhhhhh arrrrhhhh Ohhhhh Ooooooo. Signed Major Dennis Bloodnok Leader of the Green Party etc etc...Right have you got all that down Miss Halfpenny. We’ll see what the PM makes of that.

ECCLES: Er could you repeat the bit after Dear Prime Minister?

BLOODNOK: Hold on a minute your not Miss Halfpenny, you’ve got all your
own teeth.

ECCLES: I know. Miss Halfpenny is pregnant.

BLOODNOK: What!! It’s a lie I tell you, I was nowhere near her!!

BLOODNOK: Why are you using the intercom, your standing right next to me?

ECCLES: So I don’t have to go outside to my desk and use it silly.

BLOODNOK: You just can’t get the staff you know. Does this Seagoon fellow sound very rich?

ECCLES: Well, he’s got his own speaking voice sir.

BLOODNOK: Well send him in lad.

FX: Door opens and closes.

SEAGOON: Ah Mr Bloodnok.

BLOODNOK: Oh forget the formalities lad, just call me Sir.

SEAGOON: Ok, Sir I urge you to tell me all you know of the oxygen shortage.

BLOODNOK: Which oxygen shortage?

SEAGOON: The one sweeping through London at this very minute.

BLOODNOK: Oh that one, I thought you ment last weeks.

SEAGOON: Last Weeks?

BLOODNOK: Mmmm errr nothing.

SEAGOON: Wait a minute, where’s your Oxygen meter?

BLOODNOK: Err it’s at the cleaners.

SEAGOON: Then how are we breathing?

BLOODNOK: Ah

SEAGOON: Then there is no oxygen shortage. I think you’d better explain.

BLOOKNOK: No, I’m sworn to secrecy, I’ll never talk.

SEAGOON: Talk, or I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.

BLOODNOK: Alright, in that case I will. There is an oxygen shortage organised every week in a different city, last week it was Birmingham this week it’s London.

SEAGOON: And what do you get out of this arrangement.

BLOODNOK: 20% of nothing.

SEAGOON: But surely that’s nothing.

BLOODNOK: Ah, but 20% of nothing is better than nothing at all. Plus the oxygen shortages get me support for the Green Party.

SEAGOON: How many supporters do you have?

ECCLES: We got two, me and him.

BLOODNOK: Shut up Eccles and get out.

SEAGOON: Well I’d love to stop and watch you count your 20% of nothing. But I’m off to dismantle a meter.

FX: WHOOSH

SEAGOON: I arrived back home, found an axe, and was just about to swing it down upon the meter when...

GRYTPYPE: Ah Neddie, I hope your not doing what I think your doing.

SEAGOON: Ah but I am, I know about your little scheme Grytpype.

MORIARTY: Supristi, he’s found us out.

GRYTPYPE: Stay calm my little sugar coated friend, everything is under
my control. Neddie, we’ve come to collect our meter money.

SEAGOON: But you only fitted it a few hours ago.

GRYTPYPE: No we didn’t, a whole week has passed since then.

SEAGOON: When.

WALLACE: One week later we find Moriarty and Grytpype back at Seagoon’s home.

GRYTPYPE: Just then. Clever isn’t it, you see I’m in control of this script. I was the one who sent the letter of changes to Mr Greenslade. You can’t beat me this time Neddie. Moriarty, empty the meter.

FX: Sound of coins rustling.

SEAGOON: But I...

GRYTPYPE: It’s no good trying to speak, all your remaining lines have been cut. Ingenious aren’t I. (Laughs) Needle Naddle Noo.

SEAGOON: That’s where your wrong Grytpype, you should know by now that on this show we never stick to the script.

GRYTPYPE: Damn that’s torn it.

GRYTPYPE: Come Moriarty were done for.

Copyright Nicholas Treadwell 2001