THE GOON SHOW

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Wal: This is the BBC Home Service.

FX: Huge Explosion with bits and pieces falling down at end

Grytpype: Oh dear. And we used to be so popular. Well here it is

Neddie: THE GOON SHOW!!

GRAMS: Wails and Funeral music

Neddie: STOOOOOOOOOOP!! Time for laughs later. Mr Greenslade?

Wal: Yes sir?

Neddie: Stand by this imitation BBC microphone with that cardboard book and tell the listeners what we have for them

Wal: Right. Tonight on the new steam-driven wireless we present, “The Great Train Robbery”

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Theme

Neddie: My name is Neddie Seagoon, trainspotter by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen. My story starts on the afternoon of the 13^th of January in the year needle-nardle noo. I was standing on the platform of Victoria Station taking the numbers of trains as they came in when a voice interrupted me.

Willium: Pardon me mate, but there are two ragged gents who want to see you.

Neddie: What do they want mate?

Willium: I dunno, I’m only the ticket collector round here. But they told me to ask you to report to that dustbin outside mate

Neddie: I see mate. So saying, I walked out of the station and came to the dustbin. It was a new anti-atomic model with a television aerial on the top. I knocked

FX: 3 knocks on lid followed by footsteps coming up and getting louder as they approach. Lid then opens with clatter

Grytpype: Yes? Can I help you?

Neddie: I was told to report to this dustbin

Grytpype: Oh, so you are the Charlie we wanted to see

Neddie: Yes. Now who are you, sir?

Grytpype: My name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, international art expert and owner of the Café Fred in Paris, and this grease-stained, toothless wreck is Count Jim “Naboolas”

FX: Bubbles & Steam

Moriarty: Owwwwwwwww

Grytpype: Moriarty. Illegal beer brewer to the house of Pronk and 3 times world heavyweight shark wrestling champion

Moriarty: Yes. Now Neddie, how would you like to be a rich man?

Neddie: Money? Oh Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes! (VERY Fast)

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Allow me to explain the situation. A large amount of money is being transported this very night from London to a destination in the Scotlands by secure train. It also contains some very rare paintings which are to be given to a wealthy Scottish lord for his collection.

Neddie: What does this have to do with me?

Grytpype: You are to help us stop the train at Stoke-under-Spon, where we will drive it to a secret meeting place out in the country.

Neddie: WhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatWHAT!!

Moriarty: Only eight “whats”? You’re not as bright as we thought

FX: Anvil, High Pitched Scream

Grytpype: Quiet you steaming French nit or I’ll set fire to your string wig! Neddie, this is an important job. Since the 30’s, after the anti-Moriarty riots in Paris, the dear Count and myself have had to live and travel in this reeking dustbin. This delivery on the train will allow him to regain his former house in France and the lifestyle he loved so dearly.

Neddie: I see. Can I have some time to consider this proposition?

Grytpype: Yes. Allow me to play this record of Max Geldray to assist your deliberations.

Neddie: Right, round the back for the old Brandy there!

FX: Running Boots fading into distance

MUSIC: Max Geldray bit

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic Chords

Wal: “The Great Train Robbery”, part two. Neddie visits an old military friend for advice

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok Theme

FX: Huge Explosions followed by a large Burp

Bloodnok: Aiouegh! That blasted Spanish food! Now, where were we?

FX: Fast, insistent knocking on door

Bloodnok: It’s a lie!! Quick, darling. Get out through the back door

Throat: Right

FX: Door opens and shuts

Neddie: Major Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: You can’t be, you look far too rich! Wait a moment, aren’t you Ned Seagoon, the well-known Banjo clubber and Spon runner to the British Railways?

Neddie: Yes. And are you the well known military coward Dennis Bloodnok?

Bloodnok: Yes, that’s right. Major Bloodnok, late of the 2^nd Disgusting Fusiliers. OBE, MT, MT and MT

Neddie: What are all those MT’s for?

Bloodnok: I get tuppence on each of ‘em!

ORCHESTRA: Ta-Da!

Neddie: Thank you and now back to the plot. Major, I need some advice. I have been asked to stop a train carrying a large amount of money and a collection of priceless paintings.

Bloodnok: WHAT!! Thud me gronkers with a great club. You are referring sir, to the Great Train. This is an important piece of news lad. Old Dennis will help you as long as I get a fair share of the proceeds.

Neddie: Major! I didn’t come here to ask for your help in robbing it. I needed advice on whether I should do it or not.

Bloodnok: You ragged Goon! This is an opportunity too good to miss! Just one question though, lad. Why have you been asked to do this?

Neddie: Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty need the contents to leave behind their atom proof dustbin and return to the good life in the South of France.

Bloodnok: It’s HELL down there I say! Leave them be and let us take the train

FX: Door bursts open.

Moriarty: Hands Up! Bloodnok, you scheming swine! You try to deprive us of the good life which we so deserve.

Bloodnok: WHAT! Who is this steaming French nurk with imitation plastic knees?

Grytpype: This is the esteemed Count Moriarty who requires the money. If you interfere with this robbery, you will be deported!

Bloodnok: You filthy swine!!

Grytpype: Yes. Now Neddie, come along with us and we will begin.

ORCHESTRA LINK

Wal: The three then left and arrived at an all night supplies shop.

FX: Door opens and bell jangles

Henry Crun: Mnk…mnk..mnk. Good evening, sirs. What can I do for you?

Moriarty: Owww, old wrinkled proprietor. We require certain tools for a special job

Henry Crun: I see. Minnie?

FX: Tenor Saxophone note

Minnie: Yes, buddy?

Henry Crun: Stop playing your ear-trumpet, Min. Come and help me serve these gentlemen

Minnie: But they haven’t been cooked, Henry

Neddie: Stop this Noel Coward dialogue. Mr. Crun, here is the list of things we require.

Henry Crun: Ahh, you’re in luck sir. We have all of this in stock. I’ll just wrap it for you.

FX: Brown paper parcel wrapping noises

Moriarty: Thank you, sir. Here is the money

Neddie: TAXI!

FX: Explosion

Jim: Where to Jim? Where to Jeee-heeeem?

Grytpype: I’ll Jeee-heeem you with a club in a minute

Jim: I don’t like clubbing, Jim. I never like clubbing

Neddie: Enough of the needle nardle noo. Take us to this place near Stoke-under Spon.

Jim: Right. Hold tight Jeeeem!

FX: Car starts up and drives off at cartoon speed

Wal: Thank you. As the three head northwards, the way is lit by the bright light of Ray Ellington

MUSIC: Ray Ellington bit

Wal: That was Ray Ellington, the well-known artist and drink mixer. And now, we present “The Great Train Robbery”, Part the Plinge. The scene now turns to the station of Stoke-under Spon where the porter is patrolling.

FX: Footsteps on gravel. Quite slow

Eccles: (Singing to himself) Um dum de do. Dis job is best for me. No worries and a little money

FX: Fred the Oyster

Eccles: Who’s dere? Answer me or I’ll scream

Bluebottle: Hello Eccles! Enter trainspotter Bluebottle with cardboard and string type outfit. Pauses for audience applause, not a sosinge.

Eccles: ‘Ello Bottle! I didn’t recognise you dere.

Bluebottle: Well I’m only wearing this lot as it provides security against this cold weather

Eccles: Yur? I should get some of dat

Neddie: Excuse me?

Eccles: ‘Allo?

Neddie: Are you the porter here?

Eccles: Yur

Neddie: Good. What time is the secure delivery train due?

Eccles: 10:15

Neddie: You sure?

Eccles: Yur. It’s written on my wrist

Neddie: Right. You two, come with me as I will need your help.

Bluebottle: Ooh goody goody. A game at last

Neddie: Yes, little cardboard and string boy scout. Take this shovel and follow me.

ORCHESTRA: Marching type music

Wal: As Neddie, Eccles and Bluebottle head away from the station, Moriarty and Grytpype are plotting in the confines of a tree.

Grytpype: My moondial says it’s 9:30. Any sign of Neddie?

Moriarty: No. He’s left the station and is heading to the appointed place with 2 in tow.

Grytpype: He won’t have a chance to get the horde from the train. As soon as he stops it, we give him the suitcase which will not contain his pay but a powerful infernal machine which will explode as soon as the case is opened.

Moriarty: What if he suspects? I don’t like it at all, I tell you. Not one bit at all

Grytpype: Shut up you La grippe ridden steaming French nit! Open your mouth..

Moriarty: Ahhhh!

Grytpype: Close it!

Moriarty: mmmmmmm!

FX: Explosion with teeth falling on to ground

Moriarty: You Swine, my Teeth! You put a grenade in my mouth. All my choppers are gone owwwww

Grytpype: Napoleonic swine! Frog eating fiend, now control yourself. Prepare for action and lots of moolah

Both: April in Pariiiis. We found a Charlie (Fade out)

Wal: And now, over to the intended site of the robbery.

Neddie: Right, we’ve finished digging the hole. Bluebottle, take this dynamite and stuff it underneath the tracks.

Bluebottle: I will do it, my Captain, I will. I…. eh-hoy. Dynamite? I don’t like this game now.

FX: Whoosh

Neddie: Come back down from that hill! Here’s a picture of Sabrina!

FX: Whoosh

Bloodnok: Where, where?

Neddie: Bloodnok! Throw that sofa away!

Bloodnok: I’m sorry lad. I’m only human you know

Neddie: That’s the first I’ve heard of it

Bloodnok: WHAT! Strech me scallybonkers and thun me plunsers. You insult me and we must fight a duel

Neddie: What shall we duel with?

Bloodnok: Stale fish and chips at four hundred yards!

Neddie: Done!

FX: Sounds of car approaching, then screeching tires

Grytpype: Hands up you lot and don’t try anything funny, we want the laughs here.

Neddie: Thynne, you traitor!

Grytpype: My name is Horne

Neddie: Traitor Horne!

ORCHESTRA: Ta-da!

Moriarty: We don’t wish to know that. Now get into this sack

Neddie: You can’t make me.

Moriarty: Oh no?

FX: Anvil, High pitched scream followed by thud of body.

Grytpype: Well struck, Moriarty. Now together, 1-2-3

Both: Hup!

FX: Huge splash

Little Jim: He’s fallen in da water!

Eccles: Oooooooh.

Grytpype: Yes, Eccles.

Bloodnok: You won’t get away with this, sir.

Grytpype: Silence, Bloodnok. Take that!

FX: Massive slap-stick

Bloodnok: Ohhhhhhhhh FX: Thud of body

FX: Train whistle and approaching sound

Moriarty: It’s the train! We must act fast

Grytpype: That’s impossible for even us, Moriarty. Push that plunger

Moriarty: Certainment

FX: Massive explosion mixed with sound of breaking glass and falling debris. Lasts for a while

Wal: And that is how it ended. But who got the money and paintings from the train?

GRAMS: Hawaiian style music.

Bluebottle: This is the life for me. Drinkies on the beach, pretty girls and sunshine. And no-one to bother me.

Ray: Excuse me, young sir. Someone gave me this case to give to you.

FX: Boots running off into distance

Bluebottle: E-hee! I wonder what’s inside dis?

FX: Explosion mixed by piano keys falling and breaking windows

Bluebottle: YOU ROTTEN SWINE YOU!!!

ORCHESTRA: Old Comrades March

Wal: That was The Goon Show, an as yet unrecorded BBC program….

ORCHESTRA: Exit Music

THE END

Written by Chris Hampton on 1/11/2003