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From: "Cthulhu" <chipper@ihug.co.nz>

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Subject: GRAND FANFARE - HERE IT IS FOLKS!!!!....

Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 23:20:10 +1200

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The Goon Show

The Llandudno Lost Copper Mines

by pastische Spike Millignar (Steve Dale)

(Special guest: Valentine Dyall)

Wal: This is the BBC

FX: LONG DRAWN-OUT SCREAM, FADES INTO DISTANCE. THUD.

Pause

Wal: Er.excuse me, would someone like to go and get Mr Secombe back - it's

time for the Groon Show.

Peter: Groon? No, not Groon. I think they meant Grute Show.

Spike: It's more like Grit Show.

(argue at cross purposes, fade out)

Pause

Harry: (miles away) I say folks, I've fallen down a mine!

Bluebottle: Oewewe! Excuse me Mr Greensleeves, don't mines go bang?

Wal: No lad, this is a hole in the ground not the ones that go bang.

FX: HUGE EXPLOSION. BLOODNOK'S 'OOHH!'

Pause

Spike: Wanna bet?

Grytpype Thynne: Now hold on, don't be silly! They don't have mines that go

bang in Wales! They're only found in Crouch end.

Jim: On a line drawn between two points Jeem?

G-T: Of course - thus making it the shortest distance.

Wal: Listeners are advised to make the necessary adjustments.

FX: WHOOSH

Harry: (on, breathless) Ah.ah.whew! Right folks, hello folks, hello folks, I

'm back!!

FX: STORMS OF CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Harry: STOOPPPPP!

FX: OUT

Harry: Start!

FX: APPLAUSE AS BEFORE

Harry: STOOPPPPP!

FX: OUT

Harry: We've got them eating out of our hands tonight!

Wal: But Ned, the audiences we get eat out of their hands every night!

Bloodnok: How dare you sir! I only eat out of my hands when I have no knife

and fork! Otherwise I eat the knife and fork!

Wal: Major, be quiet. Now Ladies and Gentlemen, stand by for the latest

attack on the share market!

Elderly statesman (Spike): Namely the original and concise wireless-type

Goon Show!

ORCHESTRA: GOON-CHORD

Wal: And today we present, especially written for pick, shovel and Eb

bulldozer, with a solo for headlamp in G.

Ned: (huge announcement) The Search for the Llandudno Lost Copper Mine!

ORCHESTRA: THRILLING MAIN THEME.

Ned: My name is the honourable Nedward Seagoon!

FX: FRED THE OYSTER

Ned: Thank you. I came from mixed parentage. One male, one female, and that

's how it should be. My father was the great poet and lyric plumber, Count

Valentine Seagoon.

Val: Yes, Neddie was my adopted son from my adopted wife, and cousin to my

adopted uncle. I had made a quarter million pounds selling oversized busts

of King George the Tenth. It wasn't until I had sold sixteen thousand of

them that someone enlightened me.

Mate: You can't sell busts of George the Tenth mate!

Val: Why not mate?

Mate: Because so far they only gorn up to six mate!

Val: (pause) But - then who is this a bust of?

Mate: Funny you should ask that mate - it's my grandfather mate!

Val: Grandfather Mate?

Mate: Yes mate!

Val: This is horrible!

Spike: (in quick) I didn't write it!

Val: I know! Quickly! Withdraw all the busts, and dismantle the factory

before they find out!

FX: HUGH EARTHMOVERS, EXPLOSIONS, SHOUTS, SOUNDS OF COLLAPSE, GOES ON FOR

QUITE A WHILE. LAST BIG CRASH THEN SILENCE.

Val: Now sell off all the excess and we'll move to Wales. Anyone want to buy

this lot?

Eccles: Ooooh! I'll buy it!

Val: How much sir?

Eccles: Sixteen long grey things with holes in the end!

Val: Ah, a fortune! Right! On the train to Wales!

FX: VERY FAST WHISTLE, THEN TRAIN CHUGS OFF AT CARTOON SPEED, CROSS-FADE TO

RUMBLE OF CARRIAGE HEARD FROM INSIDE. FADES UNDER.

Ned: But father, what will we do when we get there?

Val: You should know, you were born there!

Ned: I've just been conveniently looking in this paper and I found a

reference to the lost Llandudno Copper Mines. Perhaps we could find them,

open them up and make a fortune in copper!

Val: Ah but Ned, how do we find them?

FX: WHOOSH, WHOOSH

G-T: (breathless) My card.

Ned: (reading) Hercules Grytpype-Thynne and Count Jim - Knees.

FX: HARD HIT ON CHINESE BLOCK!

Moriarty: (agony) Awwwooooh!

Ned: .Moriarty, lost Llandudno Copper Mines finding experts! By jove, ye

gads, to be sure, hem-hem etc, just the people we have been looking for!

Moriarty: You mean there is actually someone who actually wants to find the

lost Llandudno Copper Mines?

Ned: Yes!

Moriarty: At last, Grytpype; employment! All these years we've waited; and

now at last! We can stop living in bus shelters!

G-T: Yes, and I can afford at long last to have you painfully destroyed!

Moriarty: Owwwwwwwww!

G-T: Put it away, waving your owww about all over the place like that! Now

Ned, you want to find the lost Llandudno Copper Mines?

Ned: Yes.

G-T: Well firstly there will be the cost of hiring the detectives.

Then.(goes off mumbling about various expenses.)

Ned: And so we moved to Llandudno in Wales. (sings with great emotion) We'll

keep a wel-come-on the hillside, we'll keep a welcome in the GLAAAADE!!!!

(pause)

G-T: All together folks; (with audience) You - silly - twisted - boy - you!

Ned: Mr Thynne suggested that I do some research into the location of the

lost copper mine, and I found the librarian very helpful.

Breathy Kensington Thing (Peter in drag): So you want to find out about

copper mines darling?

Ned: (going to pieces) er.her, her, her...um.er.uh.

BKT: Come with me dearest. The books on copper mines are all in the back

room.

FX; DOOR OPENING

BKT: Come on in.

Ned: Well, er I, I, I, ..

Wal: (interrupting) At this point the script was heavily censored! (MAN, was

it ever censored!!!) However since BBC policy requires us to fill such

moments, we now present a certain sort of entertainment by a Dutchman with a

rather large nose.

MAX & BAND: MUSIC.

(applause)

(pause)

Bloodnok: You filthy swine! Back to your own bed sir!

BAND: CHORD

Ned: I decided that I would need some workmen to work the mine, and after

several weeks advertising in the Skye Home Guide Monthly, I received two

replies.

FX: KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

Ned: Oh. You're here about the job in the mine?

Bluebottle: (loudly) Yes I am my capting! Enter Bluebottle with blackened

face, cardboard cut-out pickaxe and working overalls made from Mum's old

drawers! Ole! - Not a sausage! (Thinks of very rude word for the audience)

Ned: Well done little piece of knotted string with a hat on top. Is there

anyone else with you?

Bluebottle: Yes there is my capting. He's outside now.

Ned: All right, come in.

Eccles: 'Ullo Bottle!

Bluebottle: Hello Eccles!

Eccles: 'Ullo Bottle. Where did you get that pickaxe from?

Bluebottle: I cut it out of the back of a Rice bubbles Packet.

Eccles: Oooh. Do you think you could cut one out for me too?

Bluebottle: Yes of course, Encles.

FX: HUGE SHEERS CUTTING THROUGH CARDBOARD, ACCOMPANIED BY TONS OF RICE

BUBBLES FALLING ON THE FLOOR. GOES ON FOR A SHORT WHILE. PAUSE.

Eccles: You should have emptied the packet first!

Bluebottle: Oooh, Ehewhewhewe! Sorry Eccles. I'll scoop them up and put them

in a pot for tomorrow's breakfast. Here's your pickaxe, Eccles.

Eccles; Ooh, it's heavy (makes massive effort noises)

FX: SLEDGEHAMMER-ON-ANVIL CLANG

Bluebottle: Owwww! You rotten swine Encles! You hit my foot! I won't be able

to go out with birds now; birds don't like going out with boyses with

holeses in their footses!

Ned: Never mind little cardboard and string Hercules, at least you are both

properly kitted out for the job. Now, all we need is the location of the

copper mine.

Eccles: I thought you found that in the library.

Ned: Yes, well, ahem, I did - sort of! It's near that famous Railway

Station.

Bluebottle: You mean.

Ned: Yes, (pause) - Cardiff Central!

BAND: CHORD

Bluebottle: Thank yew.

Eccles: Ta!

Val: Right, now that everyone is ready and we've found the location, we can

begin! First we must catch a train.

Ned: Right pass me that butterfly net!

Wal: And so they they caught the train to Cardiff and as they departed

towards the horizon, we heard sixty thousand miles away in a branch-frame

and deerskin hut in outer Mongolia, a certain band begin to play.

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - MUSIC

Wal: Meanwhile, as Ned and the crew travel to Cardiff, in the ticket office

there the staff are just opening up.

(pause)

Crun: Min, where are the matches?

Minnie: They're in the fridge Henry. I thought that they would go off if

they weren't kept cold.

Crun: Ah. So they are cold now. Min, they won't light now!

Old Uncle Oscar (interrupting) auugh.aauugh.have you.have you seen my teeth

Minnie.?

Crun: Uncle Oscar's lost his teeth Minnie!

Min: What again?? That's the fifth time this week!

Old Uncle Oscar: (mumbles on about his teeth under all the following)

Crun: Now come along Min, we must open up the ticket office on this nice

fine morning.

FX: DOOR OPENING NOISILY. HUGE THUNDERSTORM, THUNDER, LASHING RAIN, GOES ON

FOR SEVERAL SECONDS. DOOR SLAMS. STORM OUT.

Crun: (pause) Such a nice English day!

Min: Yes!

Crun: All right, now we open the piece of three-ply covering the opening

window.

FX: CRUNCH!

Ray: (very loud) Yum-bum-bulla-boo!

Crun: Ooh, it's an African Chief Min! Hello Mr African Chief man, what can I

do for you.

Ray: Me want to go back to old country.

Crun: Oh, which old country?

Ray: ANY old country!!

Crun: Right you are sir, here is a ticket for any old country. That will be

two and sixpence please.

Ray: Two and six? That very cheap! Railway station down the road charge

three shillings!

Crun: Ah yes, but we are made of sterner stuff sir!

FX: TRAIN APPROACHING PLATFORM AND COMES TO A HALT. SHOUTS, DOORS OPENING.

NED APPROACHING.

Ned: Hello sir. I and my retinue are looking for the Llandudno Lost Copper

Mine.

Crun: Ah yes sir, it's behind that door marked 'Llandudno Lost Copper Mine'.

Ned: (taken aback) I thought it was lost!

Crun: Yes, it was, but yesterday we pulled down the brick wall and there was

the door. But I think it's locked.

Ned: Eccles!

Eccles: Yeah?

Ned: Break that door down!

Eccles: Just leave it to me.

FX: LONG BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR, ECCLES GRUNTS ETC UNDER IT. FINALLY COMES

TO A HALT. (SEE SCARLET CAPSULE VERSION)

Eccles: I know when I'm beaten!

Ned: Hold this Computerised walnut tree. Let me try.

FX: DOOR HANDLE, SQUEAK OF HINGES.

Ned: It was open all the time! Folks, as the door opened we saw the start of

a long deep tunnel.

Bluebottle: It looks dark and deep my capting!

Val: Bluebottle, why don't you go down and see if the coast is clear?

Bluebottle: OK.

FX: BLUEBOTTLE RUNNING AWAY INTO ECHO. PAUSE. BLUEBOTTLE APPROACHING AT

SPEED.

Bluebottle: (terrified) Hee-ehe! Not a soul in there!

Val: Right, let's all go in together.

Bluebottle: Forward! Forward! Hides behind Capting in case of trouble.

Ned: And so we started down the long, deep tunnel of the Llandudno Lost

Copper Mine.

FX: TUNNEL ECHOES, SEVERAL SETS OF BOOTS WALKING. LASTS A WHILE.

Ned: We walked and walked.

FX: BOOTS WALK FOR A WHILE

Ned: And then we walked some more.

Wal: You know Mr Seagoon, this must be very boring for the listeners!

Ned: True. But then, what can you do in a dark tunnel?

Eccles: (suggestively) Oooh-hoo-hoo-hooo!!

Ned: Stop that or you'll go blind, Eccles!

Bluebottle: Ooh, look my capting, look! Points cardboard finger at door with

large locks on it.

Ned: It's the door to the inner mine chamber! But we've no way of getting

through!

GT: Anyone got any keys?

Eccles: Yeah, C#, Bb and G natural!

FX: SLAPSTICK

Eccles: (yell!)

Ned: Now shut up, will you! Moriarty, have you got any dynamite?

Moriarty: Yes I have! Here.

Ned: Thanks. Now the matches.

FX: SCRAPE OF MATCH BEING STRUCK.

Morarity: OK Ned, here's a lighted match.

Ned: Good. Now (meaningfully) who can we get to set the dynamite.

Bluebottle (terror) Can I go home now my capting? I just remembered that it'

s my turn in the barrel.

FX: WHOOSH

Ned: Quick, get him before he escapes!

FX: DOOR OPENS, SOUNDS OF A SCUFFLE

Copper: (Peter) Here you are sir, I found him in a banana plantation in

South America disguised as a banana!

Bluebottle: Let me go! I'm a devout coward! Look, here's my first-class

coward's badge!

Ned: (very loudly) Here's a picture of Sa - bree - naaaa!

FX: THREE WHOOSHES OVERLAPPED.

Val: Get this filthy little boy-scout out of the way!

Bloodnok: Yes! Now.

Both (in chorus) Where's the picture of Sa.

Ned: (interrupts) Ah, father, you're just the man. Here's the dynamite and

the lighted match. Now wait until were all out of the way, then touch the

match to the wick and set it right there. OK, stay here.

FX: WHOOSHES AS ABOVE

Ned: (miles away (off)) OK, you can set the dynamite now.

Val: I heard you call my capting.

Bluebottle: (off) You rotten swine Mr Dyall! That's my line!

Val: All right, if that's the way you feel then I'll just set the dynamite

and then I'll come back.(horribly evil). and do something nasty to you!

Bluebottle: (Sounds of horror!)

Val: I'll just set this dynamite. Now where's that match.Oh dear, it's gone

out! Neddy!

Ned: (off) What's the matter, Father?

Val: The match's gone out!

Ned: (off) Bluebottle, get this match to Father.

Bluebottle: (off) OK.

FX: WHOOSH APPROACHING

Bluebottle: (on) Here you are Mr Dyall. Now I'll just.

Val: Now just a moment Bluebottle, I want you to do something for me.

Bluebottle: What?

Val: Just take this match, strike it, and light this big red candle!

Bluebottle: Ooh, all right, but then I've got to get back before the

dynamite blows up.

Val: Don't you worry little boy, you'll get back long before that!

Bluebottle: Oh, jolly good. I say, Mr Dyall, this candle's got 'TNT' writted

on it!

Val: Yes, that's the brand.erm.um.Turol's National...erm .Tungsten candle,

that's what it is!

Bluebottle: Jolly good.

FX: WHOOSH

Bluebottle: Oh he's gone. Never mind, I'll just light this big candle and

then get out before the dynamite blows up.

FX: (QUICK) MATCH STRIKES. FIZZ. HUGE ECHOING EXPLOSION, SLOWLY FADES.

(pause)

Bluebottle: (bellows from thousands of miles away!) YOU - ROTTEN - SWINE -

YOUUUUU!

(audience reaction, pause)

GT: (dry) And who said that mines don't go bang!!!

Wal: Yes, well, thank you. And now, I know you will all be wanting to know,

did they find the Lost Llandudno Copper Mines? Well.

Goodnight!

ORCHESTRA: GOON GALLOP, DOWN UNDER.

Wal: That was the Goon Show, presented by the BBC, the BBD and sometimes

even the BBE. Starring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, and

special guest Valentine Dyall, with Ray Ellington, Max Gelgray and the

Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by pastiche Spike Milligan,

Announcer Wallace Greenslade, the whole was produced by John Browell who

fell into it. Good Night.

ORCHESTRA: UP, THEN PLAY TO END.

PLAYOUT: MAX AND ORCHESTRA; CRAZY RHYTHM.

The End

Dramatis Personae

PETER SELLARS:

Bluebottle, Grytpype Thynn, Major Bloodnok, Breathy Kensington Thing, Henry

Crun, William Mate Cobblers, a copper.

HARRY SECOMBE:

Neddy Seagoon, Old Uncle Oscar.

SPIKE MILLIGAN:

Minnie Bannister, Eccles, Moriarty, Elderly statesman.

RAY ELLINGTON:

African Chief and the Bongos (very well!)

WALLACE GREENSLADE:

Announcer

SPECIAL GUEST STAR; VALENTINE DYALL

Count Valentine Seagoon.