From: "SCOOP" Subject: Lurgi Strikes South Africa - Long but worth it Date: 2000/02/12 Message-ID: <38a5c985$0$35283@helios.is.co.za> X-Priority: 3 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2314.1300 X-Trace: helios.is.co.za 950389125 35283 196.34.155.55 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal Newsgroups: za.flame,za.humour,za.politics Competition Work out whether this is one of the following; 1. A Goon show script that has been edited using the M.S. Word find and replace facility to insert government Minister's names in place of those in the original script 2. or is it an original Hansard parliamentary transcript 3. or both The Prize is two HiAce hubcaps and a bottle of Mame Skorokoro's special brew. Answers should be written on suitable paper and accompanied by the usual triplicate pink slips containing Mr Titi Mboweni's signature ( No facsimiles or copies accepted) and sent to Mr A Erwin, c/o Parliament of SA ------------------------------------------ Lurgi Strikes South Africa Frene Ginquala: This is the South African Parliament GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Steve Tshwete: And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is - Dullah Omar: The Goon Show GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING Dullah Omar: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Essop Pahad? Do your duty, laddy Frene Ginquala: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid complication we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon, enter a human being Nkosazana: My name is Nkosazana Zuma GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Nkosazana: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in Sandton, but the police moved me on. One morning in May, I was going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor Steve Tshwete: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you. Nkosazana: Right, heads down. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in Steve Tshwete: This way, sir Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Zuma. Allow me, my card Nkosazana: My card Steve Tshwete: My card Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Dr Manto Tshabalala- Msimang. Have you ever heard of Lurgi? Nkosazana: There's no one of that name here Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Ah Christi Pompet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe Nkosazana: Where? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Isle of Ewe Nkosazana: I love you, too. Shall we dance? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded lurgi struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, lurgi had destroyed the entire population. Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human race. Gen Constand Viljoen: Then I'm okay, Mense Nkosazana: Count Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, why are you telling me all this? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Why? Yesterday, lurgi claimed its first victim in South Africa. Nkosazana: Ha-Ha. You jest Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: I jest what? Nkosazana: You just said that lurgi just claimed its first victim in South Africa Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Ag nee maan! How can you joke when lurgi threatens? Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, my dear Zuma, I was a passenger on a taxi in Bloem Nkosazana: You reckless continental, you! Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Touche. The bus was passing the Bloem Fire Station, all as normal (fading out) ORCHESTRA: MBAQANGA MUSIC Dullah Omar: Any more fares, please, Family Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Steve Tshwete: (old woman) What to do with him? Dullah Omar: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo Trevor Manuel: Here, loosen his collar Dullah Omar: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Steve Tshwete: Stop the bus! Dullah Omar: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo Trevor Manuel: Give him air! Steve Tshwete: Stand back now! Dullah Omar: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo (fading out) Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Not a pretty sight! Nkosazana: Good Heavens! What happened then? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Tempe Infirmary Nkosazana: And then? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: And then...well, listen ORCHESTRA: MARIMBA MUSIC FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC CHORD Dullah Omar: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see what you're bothered about at all see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka- Boo Steve Tshwete: (doctor) Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in (Dullah Omar inhales) and breathe out - Dullah Omar: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Steve Tshwete: Must you? Now breathe in again Dullah Omar: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Steve Tshwete: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Dullah Omar: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo Trevor Manuel: (nurse) Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Steve Tshwete, Dullah Omar and Trevor Manuel go "Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo" as they fade out Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: (fading in) And that is my tale Zuma. In six weeks South Africa could be destroyed by lurgi and that includes you! GRAMS: WHOOSH, FOLLOWED BY CLOSING DUSTBIN LID Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Come out of that dustbin, Zuma! Nkosazana: (from within the bin) I'm watching television! Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Come out! FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED NOISILY Nkosazana: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about lurgi Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Supristi! I will tell you all about lurgi Nkosazana: Then you cure it Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and now you! Nkosazana: I agree. But what's lurgi got to do with me, Pasteur, and the other painters? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article. FX: PAPER BEING RUSTLED Nkosazana: "Will any doctor with knowledge of lurgi please communicate with Dr. Sydney Mufamadi"! Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the woman to save the nation from the dreaded lurgi. Nkosazana: Yes, but I - Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: An Order of Good Hope, position, riches - Money! GRAMS: WHOOSH AND DOOR CLOSES FX: PICK UP PHONE, DIALS Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: (singing) Niem sonatadi en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Dr, Sydney Mufamadi- Ah, listen, Sydney Mufamadi. Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang here. Yes. she's just left, she's on hers way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until she arrives here's Max Geldray MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA PLAY "PINK CHAMPAGNE" ORCHESTRA: MARIMBA MUSIC CREATING MYSTIC EFFECT FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR Sydney Mufamadi: Come in! FX: DOOR OPENED Nkosazana: Dr. Sydney Mufamadi? Sydney Mufamadi: The same Nkosazana: My name is Nkosazana Zuma GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Sydney Mufamadi: Upsy-daisy! Now, what can I do for you? Nkosazana: I've come to help fight lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and now me! Sydney Mufamadi: You silly twisted girl, you. Now what are your qualifications? Nkosazana: I was struck off the Rolls twice Sydney Mufamadi: You can only be struck off the Rolls once Nkosazana: That'll give you some idea of my importance. Sydney Mufamadi: Then you're our person. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12 hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by lurgi. Nkosazana: (gulps) We must move fast Sydney Mufamadi: What do you suggest? Nkosazana: South America? Sydney Mufamadi: No, no, no. You are the one who can save South Africa Nkosazana: Yes. First Lewis Carol, Madame Tussaud and now me! Sydney Mufamadi: Now, Zuma, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there - Nkosazana: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes? Sydney Mufamadi: Please don't do that Nkosazana: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po Sydney Mufamadi: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment lurgi is confined to Bloem. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the lurgi victims must be sent to Sandton Nkosazana: One moment, Dr. Sydney Mufamadi. If you know the cure for lurgi why don't you have the Order of Good Hope and the riches? Sydney Mufamadi: I can't. You see, I'm married Nkosazana: Oh, I'm terribly sorry Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Come Zuma, off to the Council Medical ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC Everyone: talking among themselves Steve Tshwete: Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of the South African Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this lurgi lark, what their all doing their nut about in KwaZulu Here's the speaker, Dr, err - Nkosazana: Zuma. Nkosazana Zuma. GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Steve Tshwete: My life, she's always doing that! Carry on, nut Nkosazana: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions? Patricia de Lille: What is lurgi? FX: THUMPS OF SOMETHING SOLID BEING HIT AGAINST WOOD (PATRICIA DE LILLE SCREAMS) FOLLOWED BY SHUTTING DOOR Nkosazana: Any more questions? No my plan is to set up Citizens Yakka-Boo Centres in Sandton. Patricia de Lille: I'm asking a civilian question. What is lurgi? Henry: That's another thing I want to know! What is lurgi? Patricia de Lille: What is lurgi? Henry: Shut up Patricia de Lille: Shut up Henry: Shut up Patricia de Lille: You shut up! Henry: What is lurgi? Patricia de Lille: I've just asked that question, buddy. Henry: Why didn't you say so? Patricia de Lille: I did say so Henry: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking Patricia de Lille: Shut up Henry: Shut up Patricia de Lille: You shut up! Patricia de Lille: Well anyway, what is lurgi? Henry: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the lurgi victims at Yakka-Boo Centres in Sandtonl Patricia de Lille: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy? FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Nkosazana: Hello? Sydney Mufamadi: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Gallagher Estate in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund Nkosazana: Yes, that's it. Mbongeni and I have arranged for a charity concert at Gallagher estate in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund Patricia de Lille: Bravo! Bravo! Frene Ginquala: Part Two. A Charity Concert at Gallagher Estate in aid of the lurgi Distress Fund. The Overture by the Mbongeni Ellington Quartet MUSIC: Mbongeni ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET SING "MY VERY GOOD FRIEND (SUGGESTS YOU SHOULD MARRY ME)" Nkosazana: And next in this concert we have imported my permission of Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang and Dr, Sydney Mufamadi the great continental tenor Jovani Sulphoney GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHISTLES Sulphoney: (Trevor Manuel) Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road" ORCHESTRA: GRAND AND LENGTHY INRODUCTION Sulphoney(Manuel) : (with orchestra) I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road, all day Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: (over music) I'll give him the signal now Sulphoney (Manuel): I travel the road, - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo Nkosazana: Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, the singer! He's got the lurgi! Help! Run for your lives! Lurgiiiii! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, FOLLOWED BY MARIMBA S AGAIN FX: TAPPING ON METALLIC DUSTBIN Sydney Mufamadi: For the last time, come out of that dustbin Nkosazana: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch lurgi Sydney Mufamadi: There is nothing to fear. Nkosazana, I'll tell you the cure FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING OPENED Nkosazana: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure? Sydney Mufamadi: Now sit down Nkosazana and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this dreaded lurgi. Nkosazana: But, but, what's the cure? Sydney Mufamadi: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them (fade out) ORCHESTRA: MARIMBA LINK Frene Ginquala: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs of state. Everyone: coughs Tony Leon : Err, who's responsible for the drains at Seapoint ? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century? Everyone: Here, here Jeff Radebe: They are, they were, taken up last December Tony Leon : Oh! Steve Tshwete: Ah! Louis Luyt: here, here. Tony Leon : (halting at every comma) Isn't it time, they were taken up, again? Louis Luyt : Well done! Jeff Radebe : Impossible! They've not been put back again yet Frene Ginquala: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off! FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING THROWN OFF DRAMATICALLY Nkosazana: Honourable members! Lurgi threatens us all! Patricia de Lille: What is lurgi? Nkosazana: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind Patricia de Lille: Oooooh! Nkosazana: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the SADCC Countries Everyone: Rubbish! Nkosazana: Gentlemen, Bloemfontein is already affected. At this very moment more and more people are contracting lurgi Everyone: shouts of shock, such as "Terrible state of affairs!" Steve Tshwete: Is there any known cure for lurgi? Nkosazana: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I discovered that all victims have one thing in common. Everyone: What is it? Out with it man? Nkosazana: None of them play in a brass band Everyone: Incredible. Amazing Steve Tshwete: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune for lurgi? Nkosazana: Yes Steve Tshwete: Hmmm. Give me an "A", would you? ORCHESTRA: EACH INSTRUMENT PLAYING DIFFERENT NOTES, FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC LINK ENDED WITH MARIMBA S Frene Ginquala: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Nkosazana Zuma had been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: (faded in) You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones Nkosazana: That's going to cost something isn't it? Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man! Nkosazana: Yes Sydney Mufamadi: If you can save South Africa from lurgi the government won't mind the expenditure Nkosazana: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and Gladys - Sydney Mufamadi: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you Nkosazana: Yes, Ha-Ha. Sydney Mufamadi: 3 million euphoneoms, 4 million sousaphones. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: And send it to Messrs Boosey and Virodene, the well known instrument makers. Frene Ginquala: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks Messrs Boosey and Virodene had received 50 million Rands in brass band orders. They delivered them in some 30 million musical instruments to Airburg Joport, the great airport at Gautenng GRAMS: HUGE PLANE MOTOR RUNNING Nkosazana: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the billagers with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Virodene Now, where is that jaki Selebi?It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Selebi, Selebi? Selebi : I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter Selebi, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage. Wey! Better Second House. Nkosazana: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work Selebi : But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look! Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot Nkosazana: Stop that dooting, man! Selebi: Hee-Hee. Nkosazana: Where's Selebi Selebi? Selebi: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, holZ! Nkosazana: Wait a moment, there is a part for you Selebi: I knew you would not play this game without little Selebi. What do I say, Captain? Nkosazana: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you Selebi: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to him. Turns away from windows so I do not shatter them. Nkosazana: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now! Selebi: I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: "My name is Nkosazana Zuma" GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Selebi: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we've even started the game. And you have singed my Edward Persian Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crep-air. Jaki Selebi: Oh thud me cronkers and duffel me latches. A civilian on army property? Who are you, madam ? Nkosazana: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I - Jaki Selebi: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Nkosazana - Nkosazana: Shhhhh, please Jaki Selebi: Strange sounding name. Nkosazana: Jaki Selebi- Jaki Selebi: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Jaki Selebi Nkosazana: I'm not Jaki Selebi , that's your name. Jaki Selebi: Of course it is, ahhhhhh Nkosazana: Jaki Selebi Jaki Selebi: Err, Jaki Selebi Nkosazana: Yes Jaki Selebi: Yes Nkosazana: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your men, the object being to instruct the lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments Jaki Selebi: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, from the left, into the plane, quick march, chocks away, good luck! GRAMS: DOORS SHUT AND PLANES TAKE OFF Nkosazana: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for Sandton, soon it will all be over, lurgi conquered by me! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK ENDED IN MARIMBA S Frene Ginquala: And now here is the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments on Sandton late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over 25 million Rands. As a result income tax will now be three guineas in the Rand. The New improved SAPS are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-existent disease called lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen - Sydney Mufamadi: Switch it off. Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's £15,000 for you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for the - FX: DOOR OPENKOSAZANA ABRUPTLY Nkosazana: Ah! There you are! Sydney Mufamadi: It's Little Nkosazana. Nkosazana: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as lurgi Sydney Mufamadi: No such disease as lurgi? And you went to the Houses of Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear! Nkosazana: Ey? You told me to tell them! I mean - Sydney Mufamadi: (Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes, got the plane tickets? Nkosazana: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as lurgi, isn't there? (laughs nervously) You told me there was! I mean Steve Tshwete: (taxi driver, same voice as lurgi singer) Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Virodene to take them to the airport Nkosazana: Wait! Your the singer from Gallagher estates! You've got lurgi! Run for your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Boosey and Mr. Virodene? Sydney Mufamadi: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know. Nkosazana: You must have made a fortune! Sydney Mufamadi: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now Muggins. Good-bye. FX: DOOR SHUTS Nkosazana: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE Frene Ginquala: That was the South African Parliament Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Steve Tshwete Sellers, Dullah Omar Secombe and Trevor Manuel Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Trevor Manuel Milligan. Announcer Frene Ginquala Essop Pahad. The programme produced by Steve Tshwete Eton. Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE