Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons From: russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Russell Street) Subject: Another nearly original GS Message-ID: <1993Sep15.202438.4380@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz> Reply-To: r.street@auckland.ac.nz (Russell Street) Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand. Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1993 20:24:38 GMT Lines: 568 From the mind of the same name, here is another program I dreamed up. Enjoy... (or barf ;)) Again, comments and small umarked bills are accepted. Russell ============================================================ Russell Street [r.street@auckland.ac.nz] (.samtsirhC rof dsrawkcab gnipyT) 'Shoplifted' ------------ Written by: Russell Street (r.street@auckland.ac.nz). This file is freely distributable so long as my name remains attached. Don't try to claim this work as your own or try to make money from it, or I will set Eccles on to you... ************************************************************ Wal: This is the BBC. sx: gun shot, cry and thud of body falling to the ground Wal: Chicken! Ned: No it wasn't, it was a gun. Wal: And so to tonights story. And I see from this writ for damages the title is 'Shoplifted'. For reasons best known to the author we start this story at part 6. Wal: Shoplifted -- Part Six. Ned: My name is Inspector Neddie Hairy Harry McNu Seagoon. To tell this tale, it is best go back to the morning when it all started. Wal: Shoplifted -- Part One. A police station. Ned: Right, Sergeant Eccles -- there is a big inspection in a few days and the chief wants me to check the inventory. You *are* going to help me. Eccles: Very well, my good man Ned: One policeman's bicycle sx: Bicycle bell Eccles: One policeman's bicycle Ned: One pair handcuffs sx: handcuffs being handcuffed to something Eccles: One pair handcuffs Ned: One set handcuff keys sx: keys rattling Eccles: One set handcuff keys Ned: One policeman's truncheon sx: Truncheon knocking against something (hollow) Eccles: One policeman's truncheon Ned: One typewriter sx: Typewriter sounds Eccles: One typewriter Ned: One counter bell sx: Shop-type bell Eccles: One counter bell Ned: One front door sx: Door being opened and closed Eccles: One front door Ned: One back door sx: Door being opened and closed Eccles: One back door Ned: seven windows sx: glass being smashed -- several distinct sheets Ned: Three windows Ned: One police issue pencil sx: something wooden and hollow being dropped on the ground Eccles: One police issue pencil Ned: One pencil sharpener sx: Pencil sharpener -- lots of Eccles: One pencil sharpener Ned: One fountain pen with ink sx: Ink being squirted out of a pen Eccles: One fountain pen without ink Ned: One old steaming couple... Min: Ahhh!! Eccles: one old steaming couple... Ned: Hold on! They aren't on my list. Can't you read the sign on the door: 'closed for inventory'. Min: We are here to report a crime, buddy! Henry: You tell him Min. Give him the length of your tongue! Min: 5 and a half inches! Ned: I will just take that down. Henry: Now young man. We want to report a .... a ... what was it we were reporting, Min? Min: A crime buddy -- a crime. Henry: Oh yes... a crime buddy. We want to report a crime-buddy. Ned: Just a minute while I get out my notebook and get down the details You have got to have the details and documents, no good without the documents and the details Henry: We haven't got all day, you know! We didn't have to come to this police station -- there is one down the road advertising crimes solved, buddy -- specials all this month. Ned: Yes... now what is it you want to report? Min and Henry: A ROBBERY! Ned: And what has been taken? Min: Our shop buddy. Ned: And when did you see him last? Henry: ARGH! Our shop has been taken! Clean away. We woke up this morning and it was gone! Ned: When did you discover it? Henry: Just after I stepped out of bed -- we live above it! Min: We'll all be murdered in our BEDS!! Ned: I see. What is the address? Min: We don't know, buddy. If we knew where it was we would not need you! Ned: What *was* the address? Henry: Number 10, Downing Street Ned: 10 Downing Street??! You can't have a shop there -- why its the Pri... Min and Henry: Not *that* 10 Downing Street Ned: Whew! For a minute I thought we had had a change of government or something. We will be around just as soon as we finish our inventory. One harmonica player, Max Geldray... Max: Ploogue! Music: Max and the boys Wal: Shoplifted, Part Two. Outside 10 Downing Street. sx: silence Ned, Min and Henry: The *other* 10 Downing Street Wal: Shoplifted, Part Two. Outside the other 10 Downing Street. Ned: Now this is where you say your shop was. Well it is definitely not here now. Did you notice anything unusual before the shop was taken? Crun: anything unusual? No ... oh wait. There were a lot of Americans in yesterday -- that was unusual. Ned: Why? Crun: We are the undertakers, Buddy! Ned: Yes.... I wonder if they left any clues. What I need is a really clever forensic scientist... Bluebottle: I heard you call, my captain -- I heard you call! Enter Bluebottle of the Crime Labs -- pauses for audience applause -- not even a frozen ristole. Produces cardboard cutout magnifying glass from trench coat pocket and starts examining the ground for fingerprints. Ehhh!! I'm sorry, my Captain... Ned: Well you are not likely to find any finger prints there! If you Nedid I would be the first to know about it. Now little nurk, this is the scene of the crime. I want you to search it very carefully for any clues as to who-dun-it... Bb: I will, my Captain, I will. Strikes forensicing pose but effect is ruined as trousers fall down -- eh!! Hurriedly falls to ground and rstarts searching. Wal: Shoplifted -- Part 3. Inside the police station. Ned: The rest of the day past quietly. During the night I was lulled to sleep by Ray Ellington and his quartet... Ray and co: musical interlude Ned: It was the next morning when... sx: counter bell, pause, door opening Ned: Good morning Min and Henry: Mornning etc for a while Ned: Well I am sorry, I have no news of your shop yet. We have asked around, but no one has handed it in yet. Try again tomorrow. Henry: What are you going on about, you silly man -- we don't have a shop. don't you know who I am? Ned: Aren't you the couple that was here yesterday? Henry: I am, Sir Henry Crun -- Mayor of this town Min: And I am the Lady Mayoress, buddy. Henry: And I am here to report a theft. Ned: Has someone stolen your chains of office? Henry: No I still have them... sx: chains being rattled Henry: ... it is worse than that! Someone has stolen the town hall! Ned: Leave it to me... I have had experience in these matters. Henry: I hope you find it soon... we had to hold the council meeting in the bandstand this morning ... orches: Minnie on saxophone Henry: ... and it is going to be a long night... Good day to you sir! sx: door opening and closing angrily. Ned: First the undertakers, and now the town hall... I wonder what it means... sx: door opening and closing Min and Henry: Morning.... Ned: Argh! Do you have some thing else for me, your worship. Min: I don't have anything for you, Buddy. Henry: Sir! We have come to report a crime. Our shop has been stolen. Ned: Yes you told me yesterday... Min: Naughty man -- how could we tell you yesterday -- it was not stolen then. Ned: OK... let me have the details Henry: Perhaps you should talk to our business partners... Banerjee: We came along this morning, didn't we Mr. Lalkaka Lalkaka: Yes we did Mr. Banerjee Banerjee: And then we found our shop, our own little Hindu Curry House of the highest reputation, gone! Lalkaka: Without a trace Banerjee: Not a trace -- gone in the night Lalkaka: What shall we do? Wal: Shoplifted -- Part Four. The same place, the same time -- the next day sx: door opening and closing Ned: I'm sorry, we have not found your shop or your town hall or your curry establishment of the highest reputation. Henry: That's good -- because we have not lost any of them Min: We've lost our Church, buddy Ned: And who are you? Henry: I am Rector Henry Albert Sebastapol Queen Victoria Crun, and this is Minnie Bannister, spinster of the parish. Ned: Tell me... did anything unusual happen in the last few days Henry: No ... but we did have a load of Americans through yesterday, and they did leave a big donation to help us fix our roof. It leaks you know... sx: Tin being rattled Ned: yes.. well... I seem to have left my wallet in my other body at the moment... Americans you say... Yes well leave it to us. Henry: Good day, sir sx: door closing Wal: Meanwhile, in another part of town two figures can be found amongst a pile of dirty dishes... sx: Eating sounds, plates clattering, general restaurant-type noises Morarity: Owwww! Owwww ... Grypttype! Grypttype.. I don't think I can eat any more... GTT: Well you should not have had that snack before we came here -- two dozen fairy cakes, half a dozen slices of fruit cake, bakers dozen gross of buns and a small mountain of mashed potatoes could not be good for you. Wal: (doing his French waiter) Excuse me, sir ... iz everything to your satisfaction? GTT: Everything except your impersonation of a French waiter Wal: That, sir, is an old joke GTT: That, sir, is an old accent. Wal: Here, sir, is your bill -- and there is an American gentleman outside to see you GTT: Bill?!! We ordered a Fred... take it back and have it changed and show the American to our table. Hern: (Peter, thick Texan accent) Good afternoon, Mr Morarity -- where is Mr Thyne. M: He was here a minute ago he must have just stepped out to make room for your accent. Hern: Never mind... hern... I just came by to thank you and Mr Thyne for the wonderful hospitality you have shown us while we were staying in your wonderful country. And my wife would like to have thanked you in person for the suvioneers you helped us purchase, but Ray Ellington could not do the accent. Ray: um bum blua du Hern: See what I mean? Speaking of my wife, there is just one more thing she would like... for the usual price? sx: coins falling Morarity: owwww.... owwwww.... What is it she wants? A: That quaint little blue building on the high street. M: Consider it yours... A: Done. Wal: Meantime, at the scene of a crime the police are hard at work... Ned: Tell me what you have found, little forensic scientist with the short trousers. Bb: Well, my captain... I have searched the scene of the crime and found this... Ned: Cigar ash? Bb: and this... Ned: The tracks of large car... sx: tasting sounds Ned: Cadillac, 1955 ... possibly 1954 southern lot parking.... Bb: and, pauses for dramatic effect, this... orches: damming chords Ned: Gayd! Is it really? Bb: Yes! Ned: Fresh droppings from a ten gallon hat! Can you tell me when they were left here? Bb: No ... but my cardboard cut out carbon-dater (as seen in Blackclaw -- the horror comic) says they were put here last night Ned: Last night, eh ... that was when the crime was committed... I wonder if there is any connection... sx: A pair of heavy boots approaching Ned: Ah. WPC Gladyce Throat -- what brings you to these parts? Ms Throat: Message Ned: For me? Ms Throat: Yes Ned: Is this it? Ms Throat: Yes sx: envelope being torn open Bloodnok: (pre-rec) Seagoon. Report to my office at once. And to make sure you are not followed, come the long way around. Ned: Is that all? Ms Throat: Yes Ned: Good. Tell the Chief I will be there at once ... Bb: With your size you had better say he will be there twice sx: Bb being slapped Bb: Dahh!!! orches: Bloodnok theme.... and noises and explosions Bloodnok: Imagine a man in my position with that! Now ... I have just got to complete me crime statistics. Margret Fulles reported a face at the window while she was taking a bath on Tuesday -- I was at a dinner dance in Bornmath at the time. Fred Nurdles thought he heard a prowler in his front room on Wednesday -- I was attending the Woman's Suffrage meeting on the other side of town. John Snagge reported his bicycle stolen on Thursday -- I was driving around all that day in a squad car. sx: Knock at door Abdul: There is a policeman outside to see you, Major .. B: A policeman??! Quick help me with this fire escape Abdul: But you asked to see him... B: Show him in, then. Ahh Neddie... I was just testing the fire escape. You know how to use a fire escape, don't you? Ned: No? B: If there is a fire -- you escape down it...