From: j...@dial.pipex.com (Jon Poole) Subject: Sitting in Scotland with Notepad & Insanity Date: 1996/08/20 Message-ID: <4vahdr$2uv@soap.news.pipex.net> X-Deja-AN: 175319963 organization: UUNet PIPEX server (post doesn't reflect views of UUNet PIPEX) newsgroups: alt.fan.goons Whilst reading a Newspaper-type thing (yes, they filter through to the loony bin eventually) I found an article (strange cardboard power!) about Monty Python (there's more?) Mr Terry Jones said that The Goons were a major contributing power to Python. Then this cardboard paper went on to interview major type funny people, they either loved the Goons or had never heard of it though one, a Mr Jack Dee said it was inaccessable. So, here in all it's technicolour glory is a new Goon Show for the digital age, perfectly accesable. The Case of the Modern Modem or One Man and his computer or Prong, Flipcrow and Schlanger Dr Frankenstein (Sellers): Eef I clip zis here unt pull zis lever then FX: Lighting Bolt crash vague explosions, chickens, Omnes: Wallace's voice so slow, it's undeciferable, speeds up to.. Wallace: This is alt.fan.goons hereby resurrecting the BBC Home Service, blow the dust off it, Phhhhhhhh Secombe:(Coughs) Gad, the old bolt of lightning trick, does you good to have a wake-up call, Ooo oOoooooOOOo my neck's stiff though FX: Something loud cracking Secombe: That's better, now what have I been woken up for master? Frankenstein: You vil go to Transylvania, zere you vil find ze vell known Vampire and Corpse Impersonator to the House of Thrick Mr Fred 'Spongler' Sellers and zen you will go east to ze Americas vere Jim Milligan lives in seclusion Secombe: I did as he bid, then I bid as he did and lot 41 was sold to me, hup! Orchestra: Some spooky Transylvanian scary music Secombe: Mr Sellers, I have a letter for you from the BBC (silence) Mr Sellers, I've got a nice virgin for you Lew (Sellers): Ooh my life, every time I want to get a bit of kip what is it you little schpeiler Secombe: This letter reads "Dear Sir, you are requested and requested to come to the BBC to star in" I can't read this. Wallace: Allow me, you little nit, It says "The Goon Show" Omnes: Screams Milligan: How dare you I saw that and demand Royalty Orchestra: National Anthem Milligan: Thank you Secombe: Mr Milligan you've returned Milligan: I know, it's my bowels, they're not what they once were. Secombe: Yes, just like John Major, hup! Wallace: If I may, we Proudly and quietly present Orchestra: Dramatic Chord FX: Glugging noises Sellers: It's Secombe, get him away from that brandy. Secombe: Yes folks it's The Case of the Modern Modem Sellers (Hern): Or Secombe: One man and his computer Sellers (Hern): Or Secombe: Pong, Flipcrow and Schlanger FX: Gentle applause Secombe: come, come you can do better than that, Mr Milligan, would you kindly warm up the audience FX: Ripping material, Frantic clapping Secombe: You don't get that sort of thing from the NHS Wallace: For fear of becoming a spoilsport I would like to start the play, Our story starts in the lounge of famed Computer Engineer Mr William Doors, whose products can be bought at any good retailer Secombe: Wallace! what are you doing Wallace: I've been Sponsored Secombe: How painful Orchestra: Gentle Flashback music overlayed slightly by Secombe trying to stop the show, complaining about sponsorhip Doors (Milligan): Mistayer Thyanne Grytpipe (for it is he): Good afternoon Mr Doors, I have reason to believe that you are searching for famed computer person Neddy Seagoon to sell your products priced only £99.999 at all good retailors Secombe: Stop the show I say, it's corrupt Grytpipe: (low) shut up you idiot, the cheque's in the post Doors: That is correct Grytpipe: Then for a certain fee I can retrieve him for you Doors: Do it do it do it do it do it FX: Door closes Grytpipe: Now to sucker little Charlie Moriaty: I thought we were going to get Neddy Grytpipe: Silence you putrid Gaul Moriaty: Oowwwwwwww Owwwwww owwwwwww Grytpipe: We will find Young Seagoon, then, instead of giving him to Mr Doors we will sell him on the open market. Wallace: And now, in the offices of H. Crun Commisioners for Oaths and cash only please sits a young computer expert name of Neddy Seagoon Seagoon: Hello folks of world FX: Single Clap Seagoon: Gad I can still pull the crowds, I only wish they'd stay for my show though, I can still do it you know, singing LaaAAAaaaAAAAaaaa and shaving scritch scritch scrape splurt spodge FX: Door opens Henry: Mr Seagoon Seagoon: Mr Crun Henry: Mr Seagoon, I've got some bad news for you Seagoon: Your disk hasn't gone floppy again has it? Wallace: Listners will note that even in the future the jokes are just as bad Henry: No no no, it's luk diddle um hum (mutters to self) Seagoon: Mr Crun Henry: Mr Seagoon Seagoon: Mr Crun Minnie: Biddle poo Henry: Arrrgh, you nasty modern woman Seagoon: what is *she* doing here? Minnie: I've been liberated buddie Seagoon: What... you... how Minnie: I burnt my bra Seagoon: What? Minnie: I took it, I took it and I went FX: Inflamation Henry: Put it out Min Minnie: I'm not taking it outside Henry: Then bring the outside in here Minnie: Ohh what a good idea (pause) it won't fit Henry: That's because we're in here as well Seagoon: Yes, if we all get out then there'll be enough room FX: Door opens Minnie: gnnn, got it, but, outside is in the room now. Henry: Well, we'll just go to the room Minnie: But I'm not going outside Henry: You are outside Minnie: No, the outsides inside Seagoon: Then were are we? Eccles: In my head (All Scream) Seagoon: We crawled out of the newcomers ear, he was dressed in the attire of a well to do lawyer the well to do lawyer standing next to him was dressed in a large frock coat with cement boots and a sporran Henry: Mr Seagoon Eccles: Mysstayyer Seagoon Seagoon: Mr Crun Eccles: Mysstayyer Crun Henry: Mr Eccles Eccles: Mr Eccles, yea? whadda you doin, I'm a talkin to Mr Crun, are you? yes, fine fine fine fine fine Seagoon: Shut up Eccles Henry: Shut up Eccles Eccles: Shut up Eccles, Ok den Seagoon: Mr Crun Henry: Mr Seagoon, I have bad news I'm afraid, after all these years we're going to have to let you go Seagoon: Why? Henry: I've been holding on so tight my fingers have turned green, but hope is at hand, Seagoon: Shoot Eccles: Shoot up Eccles Henry: the Garrison at the British Museum needs a likely computer-lad to help with the filing Seagoon: Why can't they use nail scissors like everyone else? Henry: It's the wood, you can't get it you know. Seagoon: Ying tong iddle I po Henry: Good! Wallace: With which we would like to couple Mr Max Geldray who will play a Rhapsody in G-String Minnie: Ohhh the power of the conk Wallace: Meanwhile Young Neddy Seagoon, young, hah you should see him Seagoon: What what what what what Wallace: Shut up you little nit, Young Neddy Seagoon made his way to the Garrison at the British Museum Orchestra: Bloodnock's theme FX: Two gunshots, horses hooves riding into the distance and then chickens riding back, loud whinney. Bloodnock: Ohh, it was hell in there Singhiz: Pardon me sir pardon me, there's a man outside want's to come in Bloodnock: Is he rich? Singhiz: He has one Kosher pound coin Bloodnock: Ahh any freind of Mr Pound Coin is a freind of mine, let him in FX: Door opens Seagoon: Major Bloodnock! Bloodnock: Gad it's me old Batman and Ark-repairer Ned Seagoon, how are you lad, take the wait off your wallet FX: door opens Ms Spong (Milligan): Dennis! you lazy slob clean this garrison up NOW! Bloodnock: Ahh, I married someone who was young happy and carefree, what happened? Ms Spong: You divorced her and married me Bloodnock: I don't wish to know, type-joke. Seagoon: Mjr Bloodnock, I want a job Bloodnock: With pay? Seagoon: Yes Bloodnock: Singhiz! Singhiz: Yes sir Bloodnock: Show him the door Singhiz: Of course sir, look it's a door, over there is a window and over here is a chair. Seagoon: But Mr Crun sent me, he said you were looking for someone to use your computer Bloodnock: Of course of course, now tell me, what is a computer GRAMS: Countdown-type music (as heard in show of same name) Seagoon: Is it a long plastic pole Bloodnock: Well said Singhiz: Aarrrgh, Sir saheeb those naughty men Moriaty and Grytpipe-Thynne have stolen the computer Seagoon: Never fear sir, I shall get it for you! Bloodnock: But you'll need a man with nerves of steel, eyes like a hawks and bowels like a gorilla Seagoon: I know of such a lad, enter please Bluebottle: Enter Bluebottle, techno-nit, head of Cyber-wolf cubs and Mrs Fitz-simmons nee hee hee Seagoon: Come little nerdish lad, let us prepare for the chase Wallace: All night Seagoon and Bluebottle prepared for the chase Seagoon: Yes, we brought, One Self-inflating rifle with dongle attatchment Bluebottle: Two dongles Seagoon: Five interpolatory modems with a baud Bluebottle: Travel games to stop us being baud Seagoon: Eccles Eccles: Ello Bluebottle: One reversable above Seagoon: One above Bluebottle: One below Seagoon: One Ray Ellington Bluebottle: One quartet for same Milligan: One new cardboard sound Seagoon: During that Musical-type interlude, we followed the trail of the pair but to no avail Grytpipe: Ok Moriaty Moriaty: Aggggggg Grytpipe: We shall leave the computer here, gnn, and then when Neddy comes in like this Seagoon: (on record)Hello folks world of Grytpipe: This happens FX: Elastic twang, splash, ducks Seagoon: (far away on record) what what what what what Moriaty: Owww owww owww Owww powwwwwwer powwww owww owwww owwww Grytpipe: We will then auction Neddy and live in sin on the proceeds FX: Door opens Seagoon: I've got you now you fiends FX: Elastic twang splash Little Jim: He's fallen in the water Grytpipe: Curses, that little steamer's changed my trap in order to get a cheep laugh FX: Chickens Seagoon: Yes, wasn't it a foul trick Moriaty: Hands up Neddy, this gibbon is loaded Seagoon: Ohh terrible, I wasn't gibbon a chance at escaping GRAMS: Groans Wallace: With those carefully reaserched bad gags we now enter the final part of our thriller, the scene an auction house in New York FX: Hern noises Auctioneer (Sellers-Hern): Our next lot is number 166 a computer person called Ned Seagoon Seagoon: Let me go, It's all a plot Auctioneer: Silence, what am I bid now Voice (Milligan): One Spong Henry: Two spong Hiram P Splatter (Sellers): One pound Mr F. Atcat (Milligan): Yorkshire water (TM) Barry Norman (Sellers): And we review Yorkshire Waters great new film Empty Reservoir Dogs Wallace: Meanwhile Bluebottle: Quick Eccles, they're auctionning Neddy, we must do something Eccles: Yer, right, action doing things realy exiting cor brilliant lets save him........ how? Bluebottle: I dunno, you know senna-pods Eccles: Yerr? Bluebottle: Then Britain is truly great Eccles: Fine fine fine Bluebottle: Ere, what about Ponds Eccles: What about Ponds Bluebottle: They won't help us find Neddy, Wait!, I know, Pulls up trowsis ties piece of Mums old drawers used as belt and leaps into action, string breaks trowsis fall down exits left in embarrasment Eccles: Oooo I dum lakka day... Oiii dum di dum di dum Henry: It's Eccles Eccles: It's Mr Crun, ello Mr Crun Henry; Hello Eccles Eccles: Ello Mr Crun Henry: Hello Eccles Wallace: Meanwhile Grytpipe: The auctions going well Wallace: Meanwhile in Potters Bar Minnie: Doobie dooby dum! Wallace: Meanwhile Henry: Hello Eccles Eccles: Ello Mr Crun Henry: Eccles, look what I've found Eccles: OoooOOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOooooOOOo Henry: No not that, this Seagoon: Hello folks of world Eccles: It's Neddy Seagoon: Yes it's me they're auctioning a clone Wallace: Meanwhile (Pause) Grytpipe: Well the punters will never buy that Seagoon: Yes, I thought it ended a bit poorly Taffy (Secombe): You can't complain boy, it's biting zany humour boy OMNES: Similar bits fade out Secombe: So that's what you wanted me back for Frankenstein: ya zat ist covect, vat a mistake Orchestra: End music Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry about the word-wrap it's been wossnamed, now go and polish your Rhino or something No Yaks were harmed in the making of this message j...@dial.pipex.com http://dspace.dial.pipe.com/jonp/ (This is not a .sig file) Create a group - Google Groups - Google Home - Terms of Service - Privacy Policy ©2008 Google