THIS IS AN ORIGINAL CLIVE KENT GOON SHOW SCRIPT. THE LOTTERY WINNER. GREENSLADE. In a small dingy flat in Cricklewood, sits Ned Seagoon, unemployed deep sea fisherman. Well, there's not much work for deep sea fishermen in this part of London! It is Saturday night and he sits alone, watching his television set. Today he bought a ticket for the National Lottery, filling in the numbers at random. Random! That's a pub on the Edgeware Road. He watches the Lottery results program as they draw out the winning numbers, clutching his one £1 ticket in his hot little hand! His excitement mounts as the balls begin to roll. The numbers appear and Neddie ticks off each winning number! Part One. The Money. NEDDIE. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I've won! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes, I've won! Yes, I've definitely won the jackpot! All six numbers and It's a roll-over week! It must be worth millions! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh! I've won! MUSIC. Chord and cymbal snap. GREENSLADE. Yes! Neddie had won twelve million pounds on the National Lottery! NEDDIE. Yes, twelve million pounds! I'm rich, do you hear? Rich, and I've got Lots of money too! Or I will have when I present my winning ticket. I must telephone the Lottery people at once! Laughter. GREENSLADE. A few days later Ned has 12 million pounds in the bank and his photo photo in the evening newspaper. But is all this publicity a good thing? MORIARTY. Grytpype. Look at this in the newspaper! G-THYNNE. It's called a grease mark left by chips. You should know British eating habits by now Moriarty. MORIARTY. Not that. Listen to this. A Cricklewood man, Neddie Seagoon, has won 12 Million pounds, on the National Lottery! I know this twit. He lives near here. This could be the answer to our financial problems! G-THYNNE. Gad, you're right Moriarty. Let us away to his place and offer him the benefit of our financial advice! FX. WHOOOSH. Sounds of high speed travel to Neddies place. MORIARTY. This is the place. 25 Dunghill Mansions. Lets hope he hasn't had time to buy himself a new home and leave this disgusting place! I shall knock. MUSIC. Theme music to Formula One Grand Prix! The Chain by Fleetwood Mac! Door opens. Rattle Creak Squerge. NEDDIE. Good afternoon gentlemen, what can I do for you? G-THYNNE. Good afternoon. Are you Sir Thelonius Aardvark, the famous Italian collector of rare editions of the Beano and Dandy? Laughter. NEDDIE. No. MORIARTY. Then are you the manager of the Dutch football team, Ruud Gestures? NEDDIE. No. G-THYNNE. How about Alf Lunge, the winner of the Ian Paisley prize for shouting? Laughter. NEDDIE. No. Look, wouldn't it be easier if I just told you my name? G-THYNNE. No. Wait. I've got it. You are Ned Seagoon, the Lottery winner? NEDDIE. Correct. G-THYNNE. Neddy, we are strolling financial advisers of no fixed abode and we have a proposition to put to you. NEDDIE. Well you'd better come in then. Mind the jaguar parked in the hall! FX. ROAR. Laughter. G-THYNNE. Why is that jaguar tied up in the hallway? NEDDIE. That's because I haven't got a garage in this place! G-THYNNE. Why did you buy a large, wild beast type cat, in the first place? NEDDIE. Well, when I won all that money, someone said that I should buy myself a jaguar. So I did! Laughter. G-THYNNE. I think that they were referring to the car Neddy, but never mind. We can't all be clever, can we? Now have you thought about moving to a bigger, better home? We can't have you multi millionaires living in tiny little houses like this one! Just think, if you lived in style in a large country mansion, then you would be able to throw wild parties with lots of drink and beautiful women! You could easily afford it and we could arrange this for you! MORIARTY. WOMEN. AAAGGH. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. AAAGGH. OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! Laughter. G-THYNNE. Stop it Moriarty. You know you're not allowed to think about that! NEDDIE. It all sounds rather exciting. Yes, I think I'd like to live in a large house in the country. Will you arrange all this for me? G-THYNNE. Neddie, just sign this paper giving me the authority to purchase anything with your money and we will start at once. Sign here please! NEDDIE. Right. ...... Neddie Seagoon. There! I've done it! G-THYNNE. Well done Neddie. First we shall go and buy you a large car. Something more suitable for a multi-millionaire to ride in. .... Moriarty will be your chauffer, he'll drive anybody up the wall. Then we shall be off out to the country to look at suitable property to buy for you. This may take two or three weeks so don't worry if you don't hear anything from us for a while! It just means that we're so busy looking at things for you. NEDDIE. Right! I'll wait until I hear from you then. In the meantime I'll take the jaguar for a walk. GREENSLADE. It is three weeks later and Neddy has heard nothing from his financial advisors. Meanwhile on a beach in Tobago, G-Thynne and Moriarty are living a life of luxury. G-THYNNE. You know Moriarty, I think I could get used to living like this. A five star star hotel, only the best food and drink, being served by half naked women! MORIARTY. AAAHHHH. Don't say that word Grytpype! G-THYNNE. Which word? Women? MORIARTY. No. Food! It makes me feel hungry again! Laughter. G-THYNNE. But you ate a whole swordfish for lunch, and it's only two o'clock now! GREENSLADE. Meanwhile back in Cricklewood, Neddie Seagoon takes a walk. MUSIC. Strolling in the park type music. NEDDIE. As I walked through the local park, I beheld a strange creature. He was almost human and as he walked along, he held in his hand a three pin plug with a length of electric cable attached. At the other end of the cable was a TV set on a stand with castors on the bottom. I addressed him! Excuse me, but what are you doing with that television set? ECCLES. I'm taking him for a walk! Laughter. NEDDIE. Why? ECCLES. Well, we've been getting some funny pictures on him lately. We think he's a bit off colour and needs some fresh air and exercise, so I'm taking him for a walk around the park. NEDDIE. You poor fool you. TV sets don't need exercise! ECCLES. Did you hear that Spot? The nice man says that you don't need to be taken out for walkies! Laughter. TV SET. Woof. Woof! Laughter. ECCLES. Anyway, why have you got a jaguar on a lead? NEDDIE. I have to take him out like this, he's not allowed out on his own! ECCLES. Why? NEDDIE. He's only two years old. I couldn't let a baby go out alone! Laughter. ECCLES. He's nice, what do you call him? NEDDIE. I haven't thought of a name yet. You see I've only had him for a few weeks. Perhaps Bill or Jack would be a suitable name? ECCLES. Oh no. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Bill or Jack! Laughter. ECCLES. I've got an uncle called Jack. He's an inferior designer! NEDDIE. Don't you mean an interior designer? ECCLES. No, you haven't seen some of his work! Anyway, what do you do? Laughter. NEDDIE. I'm an unemployed deep-sea fisherman! ECCLES. If you're unemployed, how come you can afford to keep a jaguar? NEDDIE. Oh, I'm also a multi millionaire! ECCLES. Fine fine fine! There must be money in fishing then? Laughter. NEDDIE. Oh no. The money came from winning the lottery, but I think I've been a bit of a twit and I've let some confidence tricksters fool me. They went off with some of my money and I haven't heard from them since. What do you think I should do about it? ECCLES. Well my good man. I have a friend who might be useful to you. He is a private defective. NEDDIE. Don't you mean a private detective? ECCLES. Yeah. He's a defective detective. His name is Bluebottle! NEDDIE. Right! Let's go 'round to his place right away! We'll go on my jaguar. All aboard! ECCLES. Hey, how powerful is this jaguar? NEDDIE. Oh, he's a three litre, with an overhead camshaft! ECCLES. Is that good? NEDDIE. I've no idea. I usually ride on a leather omnibus!. Laughter. GREENSLADE. And so Neddie and Eccles roar around to the office of, Bert Bluebottle. Wonder boy detective! MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. ECCLES. Hello Bottle. I've brought someone to see you! BLUEBOTTLE. Oh hello Eccles. How's Spot? Is he any better now? ECCLES. Yeah. But I still can't get Channel Five on him! Laughter. NEDDIE. Never mind all that rubbish. Is it right that you are a Dick? BLUEBOTTLE. I beg your pardon. What did you call me? It sounded rude to me! Laughter. NEDDIE. I mean a detective. Can you find someone for me? BLUEBOTTLE. Yeeeesss. I am Bert Bluebottle. Wonder boy detective! Own water pistol, own notebook and own knees! NEDDIE. Right then. I need your help to trace two con men that have been spending lots of my money! What shall I do? BLUEBOTTLE. Well, first we go down to the local branch of your bank and see the bank manager. He'll be able to tell us where they're spending your cash! GREENSLADE. Neddie, Eccles, Bluebottle and Spot, climb aboard the jaguar and roar off down the High street, to HENRY CRUN'S BANK. While we listen to Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band! WHOOPEE! MUSIC. BOB KERR'S WHOOPEE BAND. Applause. GREENSLADE. The Lottery Winner. Part two. And this is where the story really starts. At Crun's bank, they are met by his assistant, Minnie Bannister. MINNIE. Hello Buddy. It's not very often that we get a visit from a jaguar and a TV Set. What can we do for you two? TV SET. Woof. Woof! JAGUAR. Roar! Laughter. MINNIE. No. I'm sorry but I can't help you! Try next door! NEDDIE. Do you mind? I'm the customer here! Now I demand to see Mr Crun! MINNIE. And who are you Sir? Are you Sir Thelonius Aardvark? Or is it Ruud Gestures? No, it's Alf Lunge, isn't it? Laughter. NEDDIE. I'll have you know Madam, that I am the lottery winner. N Seagoon! MINNIE. Good heavens! Of course! Neddie! Our only customer! I'll call Henry. HENRY------ HENRY. Come at once. It's HIM. Yes HIM. CRUN. Ah, Mister Seagoon. You're back from your trip to Tobago then? Did you enjoy yourself? NEDDIE. Tobago? What are you talking about? I haven't been to Tobago! CRUN. I'm sorry sir, but I've been getting all these bills, in your name, from The Hotel Fred in Tobago! I've been paying them from your account. NEDDIE. Gad, then that's where they are! Mister Crun! My financial advisors, Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty, are using my credit cards to milk my accounts. You must stop them! How much have they taken out so far? CRUN. Up to this morning, it stands at nearly half a million pounds. But of course you still have eleven and a half million pounds left. BLUEBOTTLE. You've got eleven and half million quid? Aaahhhh. Well I'll have to put up my fee, from two pounds a day, to three pounds, twenty pence. Laughter. NEDDIE. OK. I think I can afford that! FX. TELEPHONE RINGS. CHICKENS ETC. CRUN. Answer the 'phone Min. It might be for us! MINNIE. Hello. Who's that speaking? Oh. HENRY. It's for you! It's Sir Thelonius Aardvark, calling from Italy! CRUN. Right Minnie. Give it here. Hello Sir. No I'm very sorry but there's no messages for you today! Thank you. Goodbye! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now, Mister Crun. We must stop these rascals and get my credit cards back. This means lads that we shall all have to go to Tobago! ECCLES. Tobago? Is that abroad? NEDDIE. Only during the mating season! That happens to be now, so let's go! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Which way is Tobago? NEDDIE. I pointed a finger. That way! FX. WHOOOOOSH. Then sound of Jet Airliner. Then sound of brakes. NEDDIE. Here we are on the Caribbean island of Tobago! Gad, it's hot! ECCLES. Yes. It must be the heat! NEDDIE. Shut up Eccles! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes. Shut up Eccles! ECCLES. Yes. Shut up Eccles! Oh, that's me. Sorry. Laughter. GREENSLADE. And now, The Lottery Winner, part three. Before checking in at the Hotel Fred, Neddie and company go to see a local security officer. The Ex British Army Major Dennis Bloodnok! FX. BLOODNOK'S MUSIC, followed by various explosions. BLOODNOK. So, you're the famous lottery winner, Ned Seagoon. OOOOOHH. You don't mind me licking your boots, do you? Please sit down on this this inflatable woman. Yes, I only keep it for my lumbago. HUUUUM! Laughter BLOODNOK. Have a glass or six of the local rum. It's fine stuff, they tell me. Ahhhh! Now Neddie, what brings you and your fine party of idiots, to the island of Tobago, and how can I help you? NEDDIE. Major, I need some local information! BLOODNOK. OK. If you go along this road here, when you get to number 24, knock, and when somebody answers, just say that Dennis sent you! Laughter. NEDDIE. Not that kind of information Major! BLUEBOTTLE. Takes out notebook. Did you say number 24 Major? Laughter. NEDDIE. Bluebottle! You dirty little devil! BLUEBOTTLE. AAAHEY. You flicked my ear! NEDDIE. Now then Bloodnok, have you seen anything of a pair of con men called Hercules Grytpype-Thynne and Count Jim Moriarty? BLOODNOK. Why yes, of course! I've been playing cards with them most nights. They're living at the Hotel Fred in the most expensive suite. They seem to have money to throw away and I like to be there to catch it! Laughter. NEDDIE. Ahhhhh. That's my money they're throwing away! We must stop them! BLOODNOK. Oh, must we? Can't you let them go on losing at cards for another few months? I'll make it worth your while! NEDDIE. How can you, a poor man, make it worthwhile to me, a millionaire? BLOODNOK. Well, it's like this, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. OK? NEDDIE. I'll think about it! Laughter. GREENSLADE. And while Neddie is thinking about it, I shall say this; Winds light to variable! Snow on high ground! Fog in places later! Manchester United 3 Tottenham Hotspur 1. Laughter. GREENSLADE. Neddie and the boys check in at the Hotel Fred! Phertang! MANAGER. Welcome to the HOTEL FRED, gentlemen! NEDDIE. Now my good man, I am Neddie Seagoon. My party and I are booked into your best suite. Now before we go up tell me, in which suite have you placed messes Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty? MANAGER. I'm afraid that you are too late Sir. They checked out an hour ago! NEDDIE. Did they leave a forwarding address? MANAGER. No sir, but I did hear them say something about catching a plane early this afternoon! NEDDIE. Right lads, to the airport! FX. WOOOSH Scream of brakes. NEDDIE. This is the information desk. I'll talk to this man, he looks local! Excuse me. Can you help me? WILLIAM. No Mate, I'm only the cleaner 'round 'ere! Laughter. NEDDIE. Then why are you on duty in the information desk? WILLIAM. 'Cause my mate Bert's gone for a slash, Mate! NEDDIE. You don't sound as though you come from around here? WILLIAM. No Mate. I come from Balham, gateway to the south! Laughter. NEDDIE. So what are you doing in Tobago? WILLIAM. Well I was cleaning this plane at Gatwick and I had a bit of a kip in the luggage compartment, and when I woke up, I was 5,000 miles from home! So now I work 'ere, mate! Laughter. NEDDIE. Right, now tell me. Have any planes taken off in the last hour? WILLIAM. Yeahst Mate. A small plane took orf to Venezuela just nar! NEDDIE. Thank you my man. Here's a tip for you! Never put white underclothes in the washing machine at the same time as bright coloured clothing! Hurr! Laughter. MUSIC. Dramatic theme music. GREENSLADE. Back at the Hotel Fred, Neddie and the boys plan their next move. BLOODNOK. So, they've popped across to South America. Now we've got them! NEDDIE. Major, have you any idea how big South America is? BLOODNOK. Urrrr. Let me see now. Huuumm. NO! NEDDIE. It covers millions of square miles! BLOODNOK. Well we don't need square miles. We'll just use COOL ones, man! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now they can't get far in that little plane, so they can only get across to Venezuela. I suspect that they will head for Brazil, so to get to Rio, they will have to cross thousands of miles of jungle! BLUEBOTTLE. How will they travel through the steaming jungle then Capitain? NEDDIE. By dog sled team, of course! And we shall follow them by tram, accompanied by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band! MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Applause. GREENSLADE. THE LOTTERY WINNER. PART FOUR. Arriving in South America by Porridge Cart, Seagoon's party climb aboard a tram. NEDDIE. Six tickets to RIO, please! TRAM DRIVER. Needle, niddle, noo! NEDDIE. Thank you and you can keep the change! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile a dog sled is pushing through the Amazon jungle! MORIARTY. Gryptpype, How much further do we have to go on this sled? These huskies are not very good at cutting through the jungle! We should have given them bigger machetes! Mush! Mush! Mush! Laughter. G-THYNNE. Never mind Count. It's only about 5000 miles to Rio de Janeiro. Neddie will never think of looking for us there! GREENSLADE. Meanwhile on the tram! BLOODNOK. Neddie, why are we going to Rio? NEDDIE. I've always wanted to go to Rio, and anyway, it's the most obvious place for those two crooks to go! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile in a Granny Hurling factory in Neasden! FX. YIPPIE. Laughter. GREENSLADE. Next dance please! And now back to our heavily steaming plot! For the next six weeks, the two teams of idiots race to Rio! Neddie's team, travelling by tram arrive first. Gryptpype-Thynne and and Moriarty arrive two days later. Now read on. PHERTANG! NEDDIE. Yes, we set up camp in a disused yoghurt sexing plant, just next door to the main football stadium. From here we could watch out for the arrival of the two crooks. To pass the time we visited the beach. MUSIC. THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA. BLOODNOK. Gad, it's hot. It must be the heat! Switch one of those bars off! ECCLES. OK I'll switch this bar off. CLUNK! BARMAN. Hey you! Why you switch off my bar? I got plenty customers! Laughter. ECCLES. Sorry mister! Hey Neddie, I don't think that was a good idea! NEDDIE. Never mind, let's get over to the Dog Sled Station! FX. WHOOOSH. Brakes. NEDDIE. Look, a Dog Sled is just pulling into the station! I'll bet that Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne are aboard! BLOODNOK. Yes look. There they are, disguised as Chinese rugby players! NEDDIE. Gad, what a cunning disguise! Luckily I know that they don't play Rugby in China! Or do they? Right lads, jump on them! FX. SPLOT. CERUMP. KERSPLAT. POWIE. WALLOP. BRAZILIAN COP. I'm arresting you all for attacking these Chinese rugby players! Laughter. NEDDIE. Oh no, we got the wrong Dog Sled! GREENSLADE. Neddie and the boys are locked up in the Brazilian jail until he mentions to the jailor, that he is a multi-millionaire! BLOODNOK. Well done, Neddie. Let's get out of here before he realises that twenty quid is not a lot in English money! Laughter. NEDDIE. Yes, and we must find out where Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne are staying. With access to all my money they will probably be booked in at the best hotel in town! GREENSLADE. At the Hotel del Pele, Seagoon discovers that the two crooks are booked in under the name of, Mr and Mrs Alf Lunge. So Seagoon and the boys the boys creep up to their room! NEDDIE. Right lads, lets get them! FX. SPLOT. CERUMP. KERSPLAT. POWIE. WALLOP. BRAZILIAN COP. I'm arresting you for attacking Mr and Mrs Alf Lunge! Laughter. NEDDIE. Oh no, we've got it wrong again! GREENSLADE. Once more Neddie and the boys are locked up in the local jail. This time Neddie has to pay the jailor £50. PHERTANG! BLOODNOK. Lads, look at this poster. The Miss World Contest is taking place right here in Rio, at the Hotel del Pele! Whey Hey! NEDDIE. That's where Grytpype and Moriarty are staying. They're sure to want to meet the girls and show off how rich they are! This could be our way to get to them. Now let me think! GREENSLADE. Neddie decides to trick the two con men into coming to visit two of the the Miss World girls! Miss Central Mongolia and Miss Antarctica! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. I do not like this game! Why should I have to be Miss Antarctica? NEDDIE. Because you look so good in an all over white fur coat! BLUEBOTTLE. Oh, thank you, but I think I look like a polar bear! Laughter. NEDDIE. Well that way, they won't suspect that you're not a girl! Now Eccles, how do you like your outfit as Miss Mongolia? ECCLES. It's a bit sexy. Even my elbows are showing! NEDDIE. Very alluring Eccles! Now when they first arrive, you must keep them entertained until we can get there! Do you know how to do that? ECCLES. OH, Here here here. I won't have to show them anything, will I? NEDDIE. Only the door. Just get them to talk about how much money they have! Then we shall burst in and grab them! OK? ECCLES. OK! Laughter. GREENSLADE. A message is sent up to Grytpype and Moriarty's room! G-THYNNE. Good Lord, Moriarty. We have had an invitation to visit two of the Miss World girls, in their room! They must have heard how rich we are! Miss Central Mongolia and Miss Antarctica invite us for drinks! MORIARTY. Ah. Drinky poos, with foreign crumpet. It gets better Grytpype! Laughter. G-THYNNE. Right Moriarty, we must prepare for this! You must take a bath! MORIARTY. A bath? But it's not Christmas yet! Oh, very well! And a shave? Laughter. G-THYNNE. Yes my steaming French friend, we must look our best tonight! I want to look like James Bond, so I shall wear my dinner suit! MORIARTY. You mean that one with your dinner spilt all down the front? In that, you'll look more like James Pond! Laughter. MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. GREENSLADE. And now, THE LOTTERY WINNER. Part the last. May I say, that I thought that everyone has done a dam fine job this week. So, if you're pleased with my part, then perhaps you could leave a little something in my hat by the door. You see, we BBC announcers don't earn very much, and every little helps. Thanks! Laughter. NEDDIE. Right lads. Now Bloodnok, you hide in the closet and I'll hide in the the bathroom! When I blow my whistle, we jump out on them. OK? FX. KNOCK KNOCK. ECCLES. There's somebody knocking on the door! It must be them. I'll open it as soon as you're hidden! BLUEBOTTLE. OK Eccles. You can open the door now. Miss Antarctica is ready! FX. Door opens. ECCLES. Come in fellas. Have a good time! I'm Miss Central Mongolia, and this is my friend Miss Antarctica! Oh, it's good to be alive! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Yes, and needle, nidle, noo in Antarctican! G-THYNNE. Good evening ladies! I am Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, the World Champion Video Nasty impressionist! This is my friend, Count Jim (Splat) Moriarty, the Warren Beatty of West Hartlepool! Laughter. MORIARTY. Enough of these introductions! Where are the drinks? BLUEBOTTLE. They are in here, in the bedroom. Why don't you come in? G-THYNNE. The bedroom? Well of course! Come Moriarty, it's our day! MORIARTY. Now you ravishing creature, come and sit beside me on the bed! ECCLES. Hey, you're a real fast worker. I know, let's play a game. Let's play at Deaf man's bluff. It's like Blind man's bluff only much quieter! FX. LOUD BLAST ON A WHISTLE. GREENSLADE. From the bathroom leaps Neddie, and from the closet leaps Bloodnok. They fall upon the two figures and smite them hip and thigh! NEDDIE. Right you two. Have you had enough? ECCLES. Yeah, I've had enough. You can put me down now! Laughter. NEDDIE. Eccles! Bluebottle! But where are Grytpype and Moriarty? BLUEBOTTLE. They climbed out of the window onto the roof of the football stadium! Look, there they are, on the pitch, running down the right wing! Laughter. NEDDIE. Right lads let's get after them. Bloodnok, you're in goal! Bluebottle, you can play at left back. Left back in the bar! Eccles, you and I are the central defenders. We must not let them get through! GREENSLADE. The result. Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty 65. Seagoon's team.0. Grytpype and Moriarty meet Mr and Mrs Alf Lunge in the final. THANK YOU. GOODNIGHT. Laughter and applause. MUSIC. End of Goon Show music. GREENSLADE. That was the Midlands Goons recording of.."The Lottery Winner". Script by Clive Kent. Original Goon Characters by Spike Milligan. Music by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Richard Green as Bloodnok. Grytpype-Thynne. John Percival as Neddie Seagoon. Sam Kempe as Henry Crun. Count Moriarty. Tram Driver. Robert Webb as Eccles. Hotel Manager. Brazilian Cop. David Waddoups as Minnie Bannister. Barman. Clive Kent as Greenslade. Bluebottle. William. Produced by Clive Kent. Recorded by Tony Wilding. MUSIC. End music again. Applause. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ?? ?? ?? ?? 1