THIS IS AN ORIGINAL CLIVE KENT GOON SHOW SCRIPT. THE MAD AXEMAN OF BASINGSTOKE. GREENSLADE. This is the BBC Children's Service. Tonight we bring you a new play, especially written for young listeners by Warrington Minge, called.......... THROAT. THE MAD AXEMAN OF BASINGSTOKE. MUSIC. Dramatic chords. FX. Demonic laughter. Laughter. GREENSLADE. Yes kiddies, this is Uncle Wallace Greenslade here, to tell a story just for you. So take your Granny off the spit roaster, pour yourselves another can of beer and settle back to thrill to the story of ......... FX. SCREAM. GREENSLADE. Or, The Great Garden Gnomes Murder Mystery. Part one! NEDDIE. It all began in nineteen sixty twinge when I, Inspector Ned Seagoon, was the chief investigator, for the garden crimes division of the Basingstoke Police. A report landed on my desk one morning and having nothing else to do, I read it. Good lord! How interesting! What? With a melon? Never! Oooh! This however had nothing to do with our story, but I thought that I'd tell you about it anyway! We policemen sometimes have interesting things to do. Huurr! Laughter. WILLIAM. Get on wiv it, mate! NEDDIE. All right, mate! Later that day I and my sergeant, were sent to Stoke Poges, to interview a man called Henry Crun. MUSIC. Travelling music. NEDDIE. Here we are, Sergeant Throat, this must be the place. I'll k-nock! FX. Knock on door. Door opens. CRUN. Not today, thank you! FX. Door slams shut. Knock again. Door opens again. CRUN. I told you before, I never buy things from travelling beggar men. Go away! If you don't go away I shall be forced to send for the police! Laughter. NEDDIE. Mr Crun, I am the police! I am Inspector Seagoon of the Basingstoke Police. CRUN. And I suppose you want me to buy a ticket for the Policeman's Ball? NEDDIE. No, no, no, sir. We're not allowed to do jokes about that subject any more! Laughter. CRUN. Well what do you want then? NEDDIE. You phoned us about a crime, didn't you? CRUN. Oh yes, silly me, of course, the crime. Now what was it? You'd better come in while I try to remember what it was! FX. Door closes. MINNIE. Henry, who is this creature you've just let in? CRUN. It's a Police Inspector called Seagoon, Min. He says that we phoned the police about a crime but I can't remember what crime it was! MINNIE. It's nearly eleven o'clock, Henry! CRUN. No Min, not what time it is, what crime it is! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now madam, perhaps you can remember what Mr Crun is talking about? MINNIE. Aaaah! Yes, I've just remembered why we phoned the police! Gnomes! NEDDIE. Gnomes? CRUN. Oh yes, thank you, Minnie. Inspector Seagoon, our garden gnomes have all been be-headed! All 54 of them! NEDDIE. 54 garden gnomes? Be-headed? What a terrible crime! Quick, Throat, call the police! MINNIE. But you are the police! Laughter. NEDDIE. Oh yes, silly me, huuuurrrrrr! Now, when did this dreadful crime happen? CRUN. Last night! They were all fine yesterday evening when we said goodnight to them. But this morning every one of them had been executed! MINNIE. Ooooh, we'll all be murdered in our beds! NEDDIE. You say goodnight to your garden gnomes every night? MINNIE. Oh yes, one by one, by name too! NEDDIE. You've given them all names? CRUN. Of course, how else do you think we can keep a check on their pocket money? Laughter. NEDDIE. Pocket money? No, I won't ask! Now, you'd better show me the scene of this terrible crime! CRUN. Of course, this way to the garden! NEDDIE. He led me through the house to the back garden and there on the lawn lay the remains of 54 garden gnomes. I picked one up and examined it. The head had been cleanly cut off by an axe. All the gnomes were the same. A madman was at large! Mr Crun, has anyone ever threatened your gnomes before? CRUN. No, never, although people have threatened Minnie and me, up to last night, no one has done anything about the gnomes! NEDDIE. Did you say that people had threatened you? Why is that? MINNIE. They say that we're mad for keeping all these garden gnomes on the lawn. They think that we're spoiling the look of the area! NEDDIE. I see, so somebody who thinks you're mad for keeping 54 garden gnomes on your lawn, and wants you to get rid of them, comes into your garden at night, and chops off all their heads! MINNIE. It's a mad axeman, buddy! CRUN. Yes, Inspector, it must be, The MAD AXEMAN of BASINGSTOKE! MUSIC. Dramatic chord and cymbal snap. MINNIE. Owwwwwww! We'll all be murdered in our beds, again! Laughter. NEDDIE. Just a minute, all these gnomes are in the back garden where nobody can see them. They're not annoying anyone there! CRUN. Yes, but during the day they live on the front lawn and in the flower beds. In the evening we bring them all around to the back for safety! NEDDIE. I must have photographic evidence of this ghastly crime! Sergeant Throat? THROAT. Yes? NEDDIE. Have you got your camera? THROAT. Yes! NEDDIE. Good! I want you to take lots of photos here in the back garden! THROAT. Right! FX. Camera clicks away taking photos. NEDDIE. No, no, no, Sergeant. Not the flowers! The gnomes man, the broken gnomes! Laughter. MINNIE. Sob, sob, sob! Just think Henry, they're all from broken gnomes! Sob, sob! Laughter. NEDDIE. Mr Crun, I've got to get back to the Police Station now, but I'll be in touch! If you think of anything that might help me, just telephone. Throat, let's go! THROAT. Right! MUSIC. Link travelling music. GREENSLADE. Back at the Police station, Seagoon's team of expert detectives and inexperienced idiots await his arrival! ECCLES. Ahum! Dumpa dumpa doi dum! Oh, hello Bottle, are you on this case? BLUEBOTTLE. Yeees, Eccles, my good man, I have been called in to join the top notch team of crime defectives. See, I have all my latest modern equipment. Ahey! Moves left and brandishes plastic automatic pistol. Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh! Squirty, squirty, squirt! Oh, the water has dribbled down my sleeve and wet my underpants. Ahey! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Thinks; I must visit the bathroom soon, or my Captain will think that I've had a little accident again! Unthinks! 'Ere Eccles, have you got a gun? ECCLES. Oh, I ain't got a water pistol, Bottle. They won't let me have anything that I could hurt myself with, so I just got this Bazooka! BLUEBOTTLE. But won't you hurt yourself with dat Bazooka then? ECCLES. Oh no, it's only a little one. Look, I'll show you. It's not loaded, you see. I'll point it out of the window towards the car park, aim it at that car and pull the trigger! FX. Whoooosh! Explosion! ECCLES. Ooooooooooooooooh! Sorry! I think it was loaded after all! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Ahey! I wonder whose car that was? FX. Door opens. ECCLES. Oh, hello Inspector Seagoon. What happened to your suit and glasses? NEDDIE. What, what, what, what? What happened to my car? It's a good job that I'd just parked it! ECCLES. Never mind, Inspector, you were due for a new model anyway! Laughter. NEDDIE. That may be so, Eccles, but the kind of model I'd like, is not supplied by the Basingstoke police. Huurrrrrr! ECCLES. Hur, hur, you naughty man, Inspector! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes, that is very naughty to talk about models in front of young policemen. It has made me go all.......weeeeeeeeeeeeee! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now lads, while I get into a new set of clothes, here is Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band to play a certain tuneful hit Mongolian melody in four flats! Everybody round the back for the old brandy there! AHHHHHHHHH! MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band featuring John Percival. Applause. GREENSLADE. And now, The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke. Part two, the nooooooo! Meanwhile in a curry flavoured ice cream factory in Neasden, a certain ex- British Army officer is testing his latest money making method! MUSIC. Bloodnok's theme, and explosions. BLOODNOK. Ahhhhhhhhh! Owwwwww! They're at it again! Quick nurse, the screens! I'm going to need another pair of asbestos Long Johns! That's the last time I buy those special sausages from that gunsmith! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Laughter. LALKAKA. Pardon me, sir, but I've come to tell you that the next batch of plaster gnomes is ready for painting. Shall I take them through to the colouring department? BLOODNOK. Very well, Lalkaka, and tell Singhiz Thing I want them all painted by tonight. Business is very brisk at the moment and I want to ship them out by tomorrow! LALKAKA. Very good, Major, I shall set Singhiz Thing and Mr Banerjee on them at once! FX. Knock, knock. BLOODNOK. Ahhhhh! I surrender! You wouldn't hit a nursing mother, would you? Oh, I forgot where I was for a moment. Come in! FX. Door opens. NEDDIE. Major Bloodnok? BLOODNOK. He owes you money? NEDDIE. No! BLOODNOK. In that case, come in. Yes, I am Major Bloodnok, the owner of this factory! Have you come to order a consignment of garden gnomes? NEDDIE. No Major, I'm from the police! BLOODNOK. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! It's all lies, I tell you! I was nowhere near that Nudist Colony, and anyway, I only use my binoculars for bird watching! Laughter. NEDDIE. No, no, Major, it's not about that. This is an enquiry about Garden Gnomes and as you seem to be the only factory around here that makes them, I was hoping that you could help me! BLOODNOK. Oh, ahhh, well in that case, I should be happy to help you if I can. Phew! What exactly is the problem? NEDDIE. Well, before I tell you that, I must first ask you a question! BLOODNOK. Very well, but I tell you, that before I answer, I must know the question! NEDDIE. You drive a hard bargain, Major! BLOODNOK. I know, and it only does ten miles to the gallon! Cost me nearly £50 quid! FX. Bloodnok type explosions. Laughter. NEDDIE. Major, I need to know who is your biggest local retail outlet? And I also need to know the name of the shop that buys the most gnomes from you! BLOODNOK. Why, is that important to your investigation? NEDDIE. Because I believe someone is going around destroying garden gnomes in the hope that people will buy more gnomes to replace the damaged ones! BLOODNOK. So you think that the most obvious culprit is the shop that sells gnomes? NEDDIE. Correct! One elderly couple had 54 garden gnomes beheaded recently! BLOODNOK. Splat me crurgers and dongle me thruns! Executing gnomes now, are they? I've never heard anything like it, I tell you! (Aside) I'd better make another batch tomorrow. Sales will be through the roof, which is a daft place for them! Laughter. NEDDIE. So then Major, I want the name and address of the suspected felons! BLOODNOK. Right Inspector, the people you want are, ........ FX. Sips from tea mug. BLOODNOK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Laughter. NEDDIE. Major, are you all right? You just drank from that mug! Is it poisoned? BLOODNOK. No, they forgot to put any sugar in me tea, the oriental bounders! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Now, where were we, oh, yes, the people you want are; Moriarty and Grytpype -Thynne, trading as, A GNOME FROM HOME LTD. 5 Commercial Road, Basingstoke. They have the exclusive rights to retail my garden gnomes in the south of England! NEDDIE. Right Throat, make a note of that name and address! THROAT. Right! NEDDIE. Thank you, Major. We shall follow that lead! Good bye! FX. Door closes. Pause. Then a Telephone dials. BLOODNOK. Hello Moriarty? Bloodnok here. Look, I've just had a visit from a Police Inspector called Seagoon. He's on the trail of somebody who is smashing up garden gnomes. I had to give him your name and address, but don't worry, he's a real Charlie, so you shouldn't have too much trouble with him. He's on his way over to see you now. Let me know what happens. Bye! MUSIC. Dramatic theme music. NEDDIE. Sergeant Throat and I arrived at the store that sold Bloodnok's gnomes and were met by the two proprietors! G-THYNNE. Good afternoon sir! My name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne Spon Thud. South London Middle-weight Marbles Champion of 1965! And this is my business partner, Count Jim (Ping) Moriarty, French letter opener in Chief! Who are you and what do you want? NEDDIE. My name is Ned Seagoon. I am a detective inspector with the local CID! MORIARTY. Sid? I think I know him! Does he have two legs, wears clothes and owns some green money? Laughter. NEDDIE. That's him! But enough of this idle banter, we've come to talk to you about garden gnomes. MORIARTY. It's all lies I tell you! NEDDIE. What is? MORIARTY. Whatever you've heard about us, all lies, lies! Laughter. NEDDIE. What a strange man! G-THYNNE. Yes, he's French you see! The poor fellow can't help it, he was born like it! Now you say you want to talk about garden gnomes, why is that? NEDDIE. Well I'm investigating the beheading of 54 gnomes in the garden of a Mr Henry Crun. We believe that a mad axeman is at large. Have you heard of any other cases of wilful destruction of garden gnomes? G-THYNNE. Yes, as a matter of fact I have. Recently our sales have gone up considerably as people buy new gnomes to replace their old ones that have been broken. NEDDIE. That's very suspicious! An intelligent person might suspect that you had something to do with the destruction of these gnomes! G-THYNNE. Yes, luckily for me there are no intelligent people around at the moment. Laughter. NEDDIE. Ha ha ha! Touche! Needle niddle noo! G-THYNNE. Thank you! Yes, and Moriarty and I have been on holiday in Baghdad for the past two years, so it couldn't possibly have been us! NEDDIE. Proof positive! Well I'm sorry to have bothered you, goodbye! THROAT. Goodbye! FX. Door shuts. G-THYNNE. Well Moriarty, that soon got rid of him! Do you think that he suspected that we are hiring an assassin to destroy all these gnomes? MORIARTY. No! He's a real Charlie. Now Grytpype, we must get in touch with the axe- man again. We need more gnomes destroyed before the end of the week. G-THYNNE. Right! I'll just ring him on his secret mobile telephone number. It's strange that we've never seen him and don't know who he is? FX. Phone dialing. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile Inspector Seagoon and Sergeant Throat are walking back to their police car. Throat's mobile phone rings. NEDDIE. That's your phone, Sergeant. You'd better answer it! THROAT. Right sir! ..... Hello? Oh, just a minute! It's a private call sir. NEDDIE. That's all right Sergeant, I'll wait in the car while you talk. Don't be long! THROAT. Thank you sir! Hello, yes? Right, right, right! Bye! GREENSLADE. I think we all know now, who the Mad Axeman of Basingstoke is! I wonder how long it will take Neddie to find out? Laughter. MUSIC. Dramatic theme music. NEDDIE. Throat and I had a few days off over the weekend. I did a spot of gardening but I don't know what Throat did! Come to think of it, I don't know much about him at all. GREENSLADE. When Inspector Seagoon returned to his office on Monday morning, there were more reports of gnome destruction. NEDDIE. Eccles? Bluebottle? He's been at it again! More garden gnomes beheaded! BLUEBOTTLE. I don't like this game, Inspector. Can I be transferred to the traffic section? Puts on bullet proof underpants, cardboard shin pads and exits left to toilet! Laughter. NEDDIE. Eccles, you'd better come with me as Throat isn't around. I've got to see more local people that have had their gnomes destroyed. ECCLES. O K, Inspector! NEDDIE. We visited the home of Mr William Cobblers, an unemployed Krinteye Grinder. The Mad Axeman had struck at his collection of garden gnomes. WILLIAM. Yerse mate, it happened over the weekend. I had 37 large sized gnomes on me front lawn. When I looked out the next morning, ooooohhhhhhh mate! They'd all bin de-fresskinated. All their nuts ad bin chopped orf and laying around on the grass! It was terrible, just like Arsenal agin Spurs, it was! Laughter. NEDDIE. This sounded just like the incident at Mr Crun's garden. We continued on to the house of a Mr Flowerdew, who had reported a similar event. FLOWERDEW. Ooooh, it was horrible, my dear! All 42 of my garden gnomes collection wiped out in one night. NEDDIE. By any chance, had your gnomes been decapitated? FLOWERDEW. Oh no! They'd had their heads cut off! Inspector, you must catch this mad axeman before he destroys all the gnomes in the south of England. NEDDIE. Don't worry, we'll get him. I shall lay a trap for him that can't fail. GREENSLADE. But it did, dear listeners. Probably because he told Throat all about it! While Neddie is trying to work out how the mad Axeman of Basingstoke is always one jump ahead of him, here is the Bob Kerr Whoopee Band! MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Applause. GREENSLADE. Thank you Mr Cur. I'm sure that you'll get it right one day! Part 3. After three more months of gnome destruction Inspector Seagoon was at his wits end. NEDDIE. Here we are Eccles, Witts End, what a strange name for a village! Laughter. ECCLES. Oh, I've been here before! It's where Bluebottle lives! MUSIC. Dramatic chord. NEDDIE. Bluebottle? Good Lord! Could it be that the Mad Axeman of Basingstoke is actually one of my own men? Could it be that the skinny little twit in his old Mum's cast off drawers, is actually the mastermind behind the destruction of all these garden gnomes? Gad! Eccles, lead me to his house! ECCLES. O K. MUSIC. Link music. ECCLES. Here we are Inspector, this is where Bluebottle lives! NEDDIE. Well done Eccles, have an OBE! ECCLES. Ooooh ta! My last one died! Laughter. NEDDIE. Look, there he is in the garden, chopping firewood. Oh folks, ahhhhhhh! He's using an AXE! MUSIC. Dramatic chord and cymbal snap. BLUEBOTTLE. Oh hello my Capitain, hello Eccles, what are you doing here? NEDDIE. We've come to arrest you as "The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke"! BLUEBOTTLE. Aheyeeeee! I'm not the naughty axe type murderer of Binginsoke! I am a loyal boy police type man. Waves Union Jack, salutes and steps back into compost heap! Aheyeeee! I have dirtied my policeman type trousers! Capitain, why do you suspect me of the dreaded crime type crimes? NEDDIE. Well you knew about my trap that could not fail, and did. It must be you! BLUEBOTTLE. No, it isn't little Bluebottle! I wasn't the only one who knew about it! Just a minute! Eccles knew about it as well! NEDDIE. Yes, you're right! It must be Eccles! Eccles, I arrest you for being the "Mad Axeman of Basingstoke". ECCLES. Inspector, would you say that the Axeman was a very clever man, to do all that and not get caught? NEDDIE. Yes, a very clever man! ECCLES. And you still think it was me? Laughter. NEDDIE. Ahhhh, I see what you mean. No Eccles, I don't think it was you! Now who else on my staff could it be? BLUEBOTTLE. Sergeant Throat? MUSIC. Dramatic chord and cymbal snap. NEDDIE. Gad, yes! It could be Throat! Now let me think! We need to trap him into revealing himself as the axeman. I'm sure that Bloodnok and those two bounders, Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty have a lot to do with this, so what I intend to do is this....................... MUSIC. Link music. GREENSLADE. Neddie writes to Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty as Bloodnok, and asks them to meet him at his factory the next day. Then he writes to Bloodnok as G-Thynne and tells him that he and Moriarty will be around the next day to discuss the gnome situation. Now read on! NEDDIE. With Eccles and Bluebottle, I hid in Bloodnok's factory and waited for the bogus meeting with Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne. I had sent Throat off on a wild goose chase, not telling him about the meeting. If he turned up at Bloodnok's place then he could have only got it from them and therefore was "The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke"! MUSIC. Dramatic chord and cymbal snap. NEDDIE. Thank yew! ECCLES. Inspector, I can hear somebody coming! NEDDIE. Right men, put on your garden gnomes disguise and hide behind this pile of gnomes in the corner. Quiet now! BLOODNOK. So how are the sales of my gnomes doing, eh? G-THYNNE. Very good Major, but you could have asked me that over the telephone. Why did you arrange for this meeting today? MORIARTY. Yes, why did you drag us out of our beds in the middle of the day? BLOODNOK. Me? I didn't arrange this meeting, you did! You wrote to me about it! G-THYNNE. No, you wrote to us, setting up a meeting here at your factory today. MORIARTY. Well if you didn't do it and we didn't do it, then we've been set up by somebody! G-THYNNE. Well it can't have been the police. That Inspector Seagoon could never have cooked up a plan like this! Laughter. MORIARTY. I have it! The person that wants us here today can only be, ................ MUSIC. Dramatic chord. MORIARTY. "The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke." BLOODNOK. You're right! He must be here to talk to us about his fee for smashing up all those gnomes. I must admit, he's done a great job. Sales of my garden gnomes have never been so good, and you two, as the retailers, must be making a pretty penny? MORIARTY. Yes, curse! I suppose we'll have to give him a larger cut of the profits. I wonder if he's here yet? G-THYNNE. We must search the factory. As we don't know who he is, bring anybody you find on the premises. NEDDIE. Keep very still lads, they'll never find us dressed like garden gnomes. BLOODNOK. Well lads, apart from three policemen dressed as garden gnomes standing at the back, there's nobody here. Laughter. MORIARTY. Three policemen? Ahhhhhh! NEDDIE. Yes, three policemen! ECCLES. Yes, three policemen! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes, free policemen everywhere! Laughter. NEDDIE. Got you, you naughty men! We heard all about your plans to destroy all those gnomes. Employing the axeman to do your dirty work for you! Now, I must know, who is the "Mad Axeman of Basingstoke?" G-THYNNE. The truth is Inspector, we don't know. We give him his instructions by telephone and he picks up his commission at a "Dead Letter" drop. MORIARTY. We thought that he had set up this meeting to talk to us today. NEDDIE. No, it was I, Inspector Neddie Seagoon of the Garden Crimes division of "The Basingstoke Police." MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. NEDDIE. Thank yew! GREENSLADE. Suddenly they were aware of someone else in the room. Phertang! BLOODNOK. Look! A figure shrouded in black, wearing a mask and carrying an axe. NEDDIE. Thank you for telling the listeners the latest move in the plot, Major. ECCLES. I've got him, Inspector. I'll hold him while you unmask him! NEDDIE. Thank you Eccles, now before I unmask him, I will tell you his name. He is Sergeant Throat of the CID. Look, I will whip off his mask! FX. Gasps from everybody. CRUN. Oh no, I'm not Sergeant Throat! I'm Henry Crun! NEDDIE. Mr Crun? Good heavens! But you were the first one to suffer at the hands of the axeman! Didn't you have 54 gnomes beheaded? CRUN. Yes, but I did it all. Then to avoid bringing suspicion on myself, I invented the crazy idea of "The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke". To support this mad theory, I became the axeman, working for these naughty men and earning some cash at the same time. NEDDIE. But Mr Crun, why did you destroy all those gnomes in your garden? CRUN. They were Minnie's gnomes! I hated them! I've been trying to get rid of them for years. Laughter. NEDDIE. Right, Mr Crun, I must arrest you for the needle niddle noo and take you down to the station! CRUN. The station? Oh goody, I love watching the trains you know! GREENSLADE. At the Police Station, Henry Crun was charged with needle niddle noo! NEDDIE. So you see, Throat, I thought you were the Axeman! I'm so sorry! THROAT. That's all right Sir. Anyone can make a mistake. By the way, you know that you sent me on a wild goose chase? NEDDIE. Yes, well? THROAT. Well I caught four wild geese sir! Laughter. NEDDIE. Well done, and it's good of you to take it like that Sergeant! Goodnight! THROAT. Goodnight sir! FX. Mobile phone rings. THROAT. Hello? Mad Axeman of Basingstoke here! MUSIC. END OF GOON SHOW MUSIC. APPLAUSE. GREENSLADE. That was the Midlands Goons recording of "The Mad Axeman of Basingstoke". Script by Clive Kent. With.........Richard Green as Grytpype-Thynne, Major Bloodnok. Throat. Flowerdew. ...............John Percival as Neddie Seagoon. ...............Sam Kempe as Henry Crun. Count Jim Moriarty. Lalkaka. ...............Robert Webb as Eccles. ...............David Waddoups as Minnie Bannister. ...............Clive Kent as Greenslade. Bluebottle. William. Original Goon characters by Spike Milligan. Music by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Produced by Clive Kent. Applause. MUSIC. End music again.