THIS IS AN ORIGINAL CLIVE KENT GOON SHOW SCRIPT. NEDDIE BOND. SECRET AGENT. 0069. SELLERS. Our story tonight is sponsored by the Tel Aviv branch of the Saddam Hussein fan club. The Goons proudly present........ MUSIC. Four dramatic chords. NEDDIE. Neddie Bond. Secret Agent. O O 6 9. Part O O One. GREENSLADE. This is the BBC. Tonight we tell a tale of spies, evil men and women, fantastic gadgets, futuristic machines and Chinese fish and chip shops. Laughter. GREENSLADE. British secret agent Neddie Bond, sometimes known as Double O Sixty Nine, is called to the headquarters of MI5 and a half. He walks into the outer office of his boss, M. He causally throws his hat towards the hat- stand, just missing the boss's secretary, Miss Minnie Moneypenny. FX. CRASH, as his hat misses the hat stand and goes through the window. NEDDIE. Oooops! Sorry! I must stop wearing those metal trilbies! Laughter. MINNIE. Mr Bond, you're late! I bet you've been with some beautiful woman? Oooooooh! You naughty man! When is it going to be my turn Buddy? NEDDIE. Miss Moneypenny, I will take you out, when Swansea win the league, the premiership and the European Cup. That's a promise! Laughter. MINNIE. Ooooh! Well I'd better get my hair done then! Now, you'd better go in. M is waiting for you, you naughty boy! FX. Door opens and Bond enters M's office. MUSIC. Bloodnok's theme. BLOODNOK. Ahhh! Double 0 69! Come in and pull up a wardrobe. Sit down my boy. Gladys! Pour us a couple of Martinis! GLADYS. (Ellington) Right, Major! And how about one for you Mr Bond? NEDDIE. Thank you Gladys. Shaken, not stirred please! Now M, what did you want to see me about? BLOODNOK. Just a minute Bond! That will be all Gladys! You may leave! I need to talk to Mr Bond in private! GLADYS. OK sir, I'll be outside if you need me. FX. Door opens and closes. BLOODNOK. That's better; I didn't want him to hear. You know what "Walls" have? NEDDIE. Yes sir! Sausages and Ice Cream! Laughter. BLOODNOK. I wonder if he's the right man for the job? Now Bond, have you ever heard of SQUELSH? NEDDIE. You mean, Square Quadrant Universal Electric Leather Sheep Holders? BLOODNOK. Yes, that's right! NEDDIE. No! I've never heard of them! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Well recently we've been aware of its leader. Mr Hercules Grytpype- Thynne, who now calls himself, SANDERSON. Son of Sanders. NEDDIE. Not-------George Sanders? Laughter. BLOODNOK. Yes, that's the fellow! Well you know that in the past we've had to combat super criminals who want to take over the world? Well this man is not quite as dangerous as that. He just wants to take over West Hartlepool! Laughter. NEDDIE. You mean that place up in the north of England? GREENSLADE. We included that last line for people that are bad at geography. Laughter. BLOODNOK. YES! We include this line for the people who are a LITTLE DEAF! Now Bond, I want you to go up there and find out what SQUELSH are up to. Before you go though, I want you to come into the back room with me. NEDDIE. Ahhh! Well sir, I like you as a person but I'm not that keen on you! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Not that, you twit. I want you to meet Q. He has some new equipment for you! Bond, this is Henry Crun, the inventor, otherwise know as Q. CRUN. Pleased to meet you Mr Bond. Come over here and I'll show you my latest inventions. Mnk,, mnk, mnk, mnk. NEDDIE Q was a little old man wearing a knitted cummerbund. He had a stuffed wombat hanging from the brim of his bush hat. A perfectly normal government armaments scientist. He took me into the testing area. CRUN. Now Mr Bond, I want you to see this. It looks like a perfectly normal fountain pen, doesn't it? NEDDIE. Yes it does! Don't tell me! It fires a small laser beam that can kill an opponent at fifty yards? Or, it can trace a radio signal anywhere in the world? Or, it can be set to explode when used by the enemy? CRUN. No! It IS a perfectly normal fountain pen! I've just had it bought me for my birthday! Do you like it? Laughter. NEDDIE. Huuuuurrr! CRUN. Right Bond, first I want to show you this. NEDDIE. Good heavens! What is it? CRUN. It's an inflatable rocket propelled wheelbarrow. Laughter. NEDDIE. Really? Oh well, that'll come in handy for the garden some time. CRUN. Then we have a carbon fibre tipped, computer controlled mangle. NEDDIE. However did we manage without one of those? CRUN. And finally, here is my latest invention. It's a miniaturised nuclear ironing board with refrigeration unit attached. Laughter. NEDDIE. Well thank you Q, have them sent around to my penthouse at once! BLOODNOK. Right Bond, listen to me. Find out what you can about SQUELSH, and I'll be in touch with you via your mobile telephone. I shall be out of the country for about a week so you can't phone me. Goodbye. GREENSLADE. End of part one. If listeners with digital radio would like to switch to 500,000 mhz, then I'm sure they can find something better than this! If you are still with us, here is the Bob Kerr Whoopee Band. MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Applause. GREENSLADE. Neddie Bond. Secret Agent 0069. Part two. Before Neddie leaves London for the north, he pays a visit to a young lady. Phertang! CYNTHIA. Oh Neddie darling ! It's, it's, it's you! NEDDIE. Yes! At least I think so. It was the last time I looked! A ha ha ha ha! Yes folks, this was the beautiful Hon. Cynthia Kensington-Twit. One of the many high class ladies that I spend time with when I am in London. She took off her Wellington boots, knitted cardigan and wooden leg, and motioned to me to join her on the floor. Laughter. CYNTHIA. Come here Mr Bond, I want you to do something for me down here. NEDDIE. What? Down there on the floor? Huuurrrrr! Phew! CYNTHIA. Yes, press up close to me. I want to show you something! NEDDIE. Oooooooh! How about this position? CYNTHIA. Yes! Perfect! Now you can see where the lino has come away in the corner. Would you be a darling and bang it down for me? Laughter. NEDDIE. Huuurrr! Yes! All right, hand me that hammer and nails! FX. Hammering. Bang Bang Bang. NEDDIE. This wasn't the sort of banging I had in mind, Cynthia. Laughter. NEDDIE. Huurr! But now I have to leave. I must travel to the far north! CYNTHIA. Alaska? NEDDIE. No, West Hartlepool! Goodbye my love! Laughter. FX. Whooooosh! GREENSLADE. Ned disguises himself as a commercial traveller and, driving a Lada, makes his way north to West Hartlepool via Wolverhampton, Stoke and Preston. Arriving in West Hartlepool six days later, he books into a small hotel in the town centre. NEDDIE. That night I received a call on my secret rubber mobile phone from M. NEDDIE. "Hello! Bond here!" BLOODNOK. Neddie, it's M. I'm calling you from Afsponistan. NEDDIE. Good heavens, where's that? BLOODNOK. It's about 8,000 miles away, as the ostrich flies. NEDDIE. But ostriches can't fly! BLOODNOK. That'll give you some idea of how difficult it was to get here! Laughter. NEDDIE. Gad! A very long distance call! BLOODNOK. Yes, now Neddie, I'm here to check out the local women, um, sorry, I mean, the local political situation. NEDDIE. Just a minute M, I've just made a pot of tea. Would you like a cup? BLOODNOK. That's very kind of you Neddie. Thank you! Milk and two sugars! NEDDIE. Right! Hold the line for a minute while I pour it out for you. FX. Neddie puts down the phone. Sounds of tea being poured into cup. NEDDIE. M, are you still there? BLOODNOK. Yes, I'm still here lad. NEDDIE. Right then, here's your tea! BLOODNOK. Thank you Neddie! Sip.. Delicious... Let them try to do this on TV. Laughter. BLOODNOK. Look Neddie, something's come up. (Calls) Just a minute darling! I have to go now, Neddie! Thanks for the tea! Goodbye! FX. Bloodnok puts down the phone. NEDDIE. M, don't put down the phone! Ahhh! Too late. He's put the phone down! Damn! Now I'll never get my cup and saucer back. Laughter. GREENSLADE. It's all in the mind, you know! MUSIC. Dramatic chords. FX. Sounds of traffic and people walking and talking. NEDDIE. In my cunning disguise as a Fijian warrior I blended in with the people in the streets. I had been told that SQUELSH was running most of the food outlets, from Supermarkets to Cafes, so I decided to eat out. The first place I tried was a Kebab take-a-way. As I watched the man cut off a slice of lamb, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and said. "Please take that tap off my shoulder! Who are you, a plumber?" JIM KRINT. Neddie, it's me! Your old pal OO52. NEDDIE. Gad! It's Jim Krint, super spy! Disguised as a wandering plumber. What are you doing here Jim? KRINT. I'm on the trail of Sanderson and his top sidekick, Count Jim Moriarty. NEDDIE. Why do you call him his sidekick? KRINT. Because every time I try to catch him, he "Kicks me in the side". NEDDIE. "Kicks me in the side." (Said at the same time as Krint.) Laughter. NEDDIE. Now why are you here tonight? KRINT. I've just been talking to the owner of this Kebab shop. He tells me that he has to buy all his lamb from SQUELSH, or they will put him out of business. We must continue with this line of inquiry. I'll check the café down the road while you go to the Chinese fish and chip shop next door. NEDDIE. I entered the Chinese chip shop and asked to see the owner. LO FAT MIK. I am unworthy owner of flish and clip shlop. (Aside) Not really folks. I am Chinese undercover agent Won Long Sip. What can I do for you? NEDDIE. I'm from the Ministry of Ag and Fish. I've come to ask you about where you get your supplies of flish? LO FAT MIK. FLISH? You Fijians should learn to speak English! Laughter. NEDDIE. All right, I'll come clean. I'm not a Fijian warrior. I'm in disguise! My name is Neddie Bond, Secret Agent Double O 69. Who are you? LO FAT MIK. All right, I'll come clean. I am Chinese secret agent Won Long Sip. I am on the trail of the head of SQUELSH! NEDDIE. We decided to pool our information and inform our pools. Huuurrr! Next I was due to meet up with my two assistants on this job. GREENSLADE. Neddie Bond. Secret Agent Double O 69. Part Three. Neddie stood underneath the large clock in the market square. At nine o'clock he was approached but he sent her away and waited. BLUEBOTTLE. Hello my Capitain, 'tis I, Secret Agent Bluebottle. Late of the Boy Scouts of North Finchley. You know that naughty man, Odd Job? Well meet, "Bob a Job!" Aheeey! I like this secret agent type game! Laughter. NEDDIE. Bluebottle! But where is the other idiot, Eccles? BLUEBOTTLE. He's in that bar over there. He's been looking for a bird. NEDDIE. Right! Let's go and get him. GREENSLADE. Neddie and Bluebottle enter the bar and observe Eccles chatting to a pretty girl. After a few moments he comes back. BLUEBOTTLE. Well then Eccles, how did you get on with that girl? ECCLES. Well it started alright, and then she told me she was a Nymphomaniac. Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Ahhhhhhhh! So what did you say then, Eccles? ECCLES. Well you know we're not allowed to go out with foreign birds, so I just said, "Well have a good trip back to Nymphomania", and I left. Laughter. NEDDIE. Perhaps you're just not her type, Eccles? I shall go over and try. Dear listeners, I suspect that this girl may be linked to SQUELSH. MUSIC. Dramatic chord. GREENSLADE. Neddie quickly changes from his Fijian warrior outfit into his suave man-about-town suit. Then he approaches the pretty girl. Phertang! NEDDIE. Hello! What brings a delightful creature like you to a dump like this? NITA. (Bulgarian accent.) I was on a cycling holiday in Cornwall and I got lost! NEDDIE. I knew she was lying to me. She hadn't got a bike with her. I looked her up and down. She was hot! Really hot! She was so hot that steam started to rise from my trousers! Laughter. NEDDIE. She went in and out in all the right places, but this wasn't one of them. I had to get her alone! What's your name, gorgeous? I said. NITA. My name is Nita Pulova and I am from Bulgaria. NEDDIE. That's abroad, isn't it? NITA. Only when I'm in this country! Now handsome stranger, tell me, what is your name and what you do? NEDDIE. My name is Neddie Bond and I'm a secret, um, senna-pod drinker! Now you were joking about being on a cycling holiday, weren't you? NITA. Yes, of course! I am incredibly rich and I tour the world looking for interesting people. My hobby is collecting classic British sports cars. I have two Jaguars, an Aston Martin, a Lotus and I also have a couple of great Bristols! NEDDIE. So I see! Huuuummmm! Laughter. NITA. You are a very naughty man, Mr Bond! But I like that in a man! Why don't you come back with me to my hotel room? We should be able to find something to do for a few hours. NEDDIE. Well I, I, I, hurrrrrr! I think that might be a good idea! Huuurrrrrr! GREENSLADE. On the way out, Neddie leaves a note for Bluebottle and Eccles. He gives it to the doorman with instructions to pass it on. Then he walks the Bulgarian bombshell to her hotel. NITA. This is my room, Neddie. Go right in. NEDDIE. Thank you my dear. Ahhhh! MUSIC. Four dramatic chords. NEDDIE. There, in Nita's room stood two men, each carrying a submarine! G-THYNNE. Hands up Neddie! These atomic submarines are loaded. Laughter. MORIARTY. Yes Bond, they're loaded with the most deadly chicken soup! NEDDIE. This was, I guessed, the head of SQUELSH, Sanderson, and his number one, Count Jim (Nurglers) Moriarty. ...... I smiled. Good evening gentlemen, I wondered when we were going to meet! G-THYNNE. Yes! Page ten is a bit late in the script I suppose. Now Bond, you have been sent by M, to find out all about SQUELSH? He wants you to talk to all the owners of food outlets in town and get their support! NEDDIE. Thank you! Anything else M wants me to do while I'm here? Laughter. MORIARTY. Silence Bond, you are now our prisoner. We guessed that you could not resist the charms of our beautiful but evil Nita Pulova. NEDDIE. So, she's one of your agents then? G-THYNNE. Yes! She gets 10% on all sales. Laughter. NEDDIE. Curses! Foiled by a common or garden beautiful Bulgarian spy. MUSIC. Dramatic chords. GREENSLADE. Neddie is taken to Sanderson's Castle just outside the town, where he is locked up in the dungeon on the twenty third floor. NEDDIE. Yes, from this great height I could see for miles. I could also see that no-one was coming to rescue me yet. Surely Bluebottle and Eccles had got my note, but where were they? GREENSLADE. Bluebottle and Eccles HAD got Neddie's note, but before they could mount a rescue attempt, they had to call for re-enforcements. FX. Telephone rings. BLUEBOTTLE. This is Agent Bob-a-Job calling M. Come in M. I don't like this game! BLOODNOK. Hello Bob-a-Job! This is M here. What is the trouble? BLUEBOTTLE. Oh M, it's Neddie, he has been captured by the naughty SQUELSH men and taken to a big stone castle. Eccles and me are frighted, so can we have some back up secret agents? About fifty should do it! BLOODNOK. OK lads, don't panic! I'm on my way and I'll arrange for some help to get to you as soon as possible. Look out for them tonight! Over! ECCLES. So M is gonna send us some more agents? Let's walk through town and see if we can spot them. BLUEBOTTLE. Yes! 'Ere Eccles, I like this secret agent type game, don't you? ECCLES. Yeah! It's fun being a secret agent. All except the getting shot bit. BLUEBOTTLE. GETTING SHOT? AHEY! Nobody told me about that part. I don't think I want to play any more, Eccles. I think I'll do stamp collecting instead. I've got a badge for stamp collecting, you know? Laughter. FX. Piiiiiiiffffffff! BLUEBOTTLE. Who is that making that naughty piiiiiiiiffffffff sound? WILLIAM. It's me, mate! William Cobblers. Secret Agent "Mate". ECCLES. Oh, hello mate! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes, hello mate! Have you come to join the gang? WILLIAM. Yern! I brought Gladys with me an' all. And Ohhhhh mate! It's the Bob Kerr Whoopee Band! MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. GREENSLADE. That was Beethoven's 25th Piano Concerto for flute in Z major. I hope that the BBC know what they are doing. The adventures of Neddie Bond, Secret Agent. OO69. Part Four. GLADYS. Hiya boys! I brought along the German secret agent Gunter Lunch. GUNTER. Ya vol. Zis is becoming an international operation, gurblunden! BLOODNOK. Right lads, M here, and I've brought with me the American agent Cliff Hangerending who has brought Cynthia Kensington-Twit, who is really one of our agents. And here is Jim Krint back from the café! I think that brings the listeners up to date with the plot so far. Laughter. KRINT. And I've brought Chinese secret agent Won Long Sip, which makes our team up to ten. But who is this? Are you an agent? LEW. My life! Am I an agent already? Yeeah! BLOODNOK. You look Jewish, are you with MOSSAD? LEW. No! I'm with the Grade Organization. I'm a theatrical agent, my life! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Well, how many has the naughty Sanderson got in his team up at the impregnable, stone walled, 15th Century Castle? KRINT. Only six, I believe sir! In addition to himself and Moriarty, there is the Bulgarian bird, Nita Pulova, hit man Rudolf Hucker, strong woman Ella Verbigwan and computer man Jim Spriggs. Laughter. BLOODNOK. Well if we've got a team of ten and they've only got six, why don't we challenge them to a game of soccer? We'll have a four man advantage! CLIFF. We don't have time for games, M. We must rescue Neddie before they torture him by making him drink the local beer. GUNTER. You are right, American. But how are we going to get inside zur big, thick, castle walls? BLOODNOK. We'll use the big, thick Eccles! Laughter. BLOODNOK. It's about time he got a few lines. But before we do anything else, I'm just going to nip around the back for the old brandy there! FX. Sounds of running feet. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile inside the castle, Sanderson, ne G-Thynne is plotting with his gang to defeat the combined forces sent against him. Meantime, This weeks Grand Prix Motor Racing comes from the Catford Dog Track. MUSIC. Four dramatic chords. G-THYNNE. Bring Bond in here, I wish to interrogate, and intorrogate him. GREENSLADE. Neddie is dragged in by the comrades. Very painful I fear. Laughter. NEDDIE. Take your hands off me you swine! I'll write to The Times about this! HUCKER. (Irish) Belt up, yer twit. NEDDIE. Oooooooh, a very classy intellectual gang you have here Grytpype. G-THYNNE. I'm sorry, but you just can't get the staff these days. Now Neddie, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to torture you a little. NEDDIE. Why? G-THYNNE. It's my hobby. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's better than stamp collecting. BLUEBOTTLE. (From outside) Oh no it's not! Laughter. G-THYNNE. Oh yes it is! BLUEBOTTLE. Oh no it's not! G-THYNNE. Oh yes it is! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Ooooooh no it's notttt! NOT - NOT-- NOT! G-THYNNE. Ella? Shut that child up, will you? ELLA. (Scot) Right Boss! I'll toss my caber at him. FX. Sound of caber being thrown from castle battlements at Bluebottle. BLUEBOTTLE. AHEY! Ahhhhhhhh! I have been hitted with a tree. Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Thinks; they don't do that in East Finchley. They stay rooted in the ground. Goes giddy as ears fall off, hole appears in chest and boots get dirty. Feels faint---goes green-falls in heap on ground. Who left that there? Laughter. BLOODNOK. Never mind Bottle, I'll issue you with a new set later. Right boys, they know we're here, so lets get at them. You all charge while I stay here to look after the coats and those naughty wallets. Off you go! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Meantime, Neddie has been sawing through his ropes with a tiny circular saw fitted in his watch. NEDDIE. Yes folks, it comes in handy for pruning the hedges. But now, with one bound I was free. Yes folks, get yourselves a Neddie Bond, free with only one bound. With two bounds you can get a free Eccles. Laughter. ECCLES. Yes! Free Eccles! It's about time people could get a free Eccles. MORIARTY. Shut up Eccles! Sapristi Nurglers! How did you get in here? ECCLES. I just ran at the walls and bashed a hole in them with my head. MORIARTY. Didn't that hurt? ECCLES. Oh, yeah! I forgot. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Laughter. NEDDIE. Well done, Eccles. You've made an entrance for our boys. Here they come now. Right lads, let's sort them out! BLAT! CRUMP! ZOWIE! G-THYNNE. Come on my lot, hit back. I know they've got more people, but you're bigger, stronger and more stupid than them, so FIGHT! ----- ZLUT! CERUNCH! - PEOOOW! - BLUGEE! - KER-SPLOT--AHHHHH! Laughter. GREENSLADE. While the fight goes on I'm taking Miss Pulova upstairs to one of the castle bedrooms. She's going to teach me something in Bulgarian. G-THYNNE. And I'm slipping out the back door to where my helicopter is parked. MORIARTY. And I'm going with him. SPRIGGS. And so am I, Jeeeeeem. HUCKER. Be-jabbers, so am I. ELLA. Wait for me! Laughter. FX. Fighting continues, SPLATT, CRUMP, POWIE, ETC. Then suddenly. NEDDIE. OK Lads. You can stop now. I think we've won. They've all gone. Yes, there's only this cowardly figure here, left to deal with. BLOODNOK. OK Lads, it's me, M. Just come to say, "Well done". You needn't worry about your wallets, I've got them all, safe here in my pocket. Now let's go and have a meal at one of those cafes in town to celebrate. We might not have captured them, but we've driven them all away! GREENSLADE. Luckily, not all of them. Are you all right darling? NITA. Yes, darling, come back to bed. GREENSLADE. You see listeners, not being one of the main characters does have it's compensations sometimes. Good Night. MUSIC. END OF GOON SHOW MUSIC. Applause. GREENSLADE. That was the Midlands Goons recording of,"Neddie Bond-Secret Agent". Script by Clive Kent. Original Goon Characters by Spike Milligan. Music by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Richard Green as Bloodnok. Grytpype. Sellers. Cynthia. Nita Pulova. Jim Krint. John Percival as Neddie Bond-Secret Agent. Ella Verbigone. Sam Kempe as Henry Crun. Count Moriarty. Jim Spriggs. Rudolph Hucker. Robert Webb as Eccles. Gladys Ellington. Cliff Hangerending. David Waddoups as Minnie Bannister. Won Long Sip. Clive Kent as Greenslade. Bluebottle. Lew. William. Gunter Lunch. Produced by Clive Kent. Recorded by Tony Wilding. MUSIC. End music again. Applause. ?? ?? ?? ?? 16