THIS IS AN ORIGINAL CLIVE KENT GOON SHOW SCRIPT. Original Goon characters created by Spike Milligan. 121. THE GOONS PANTOMIME-PETER NEDDIE PAN. Written for THE MIDLANDS GOONS. 2005/ 2006. MUSIC. (Fast and Loud) "They'll be a hot time in the old town tonight". Cymbal snap. CAST. Yeah! Mumble! Shouting! Wheeeyyy! Whooopee! Rhubarb! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Thank you! Now children it's time for the Goons Christmas Panto called; MUSIC. Corny chord. GREENSLADE. PETER PAN! Featuring the World's fattest elf, Neddie Seagoon as Pan. MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. NEDDIE. ( Megaphone) Hello Folks! Calling Folks! Thank you, Wallace! Huuruuum! Yes Kiddies, it's your dear old Uncle Neddie playing the lead in the story of the boy who never grew up. Peter Pan, or as it now becomes, NEDDIE PAN! And a Merry Christmas, Folks! GREENSLADE. Now as this pantomime is in sound only, you will have to imagine the vast superb sets, costumes, props and lighting. So if you have a vivid imagination, it will all seem rather spectacular. If you don't, then I'm afraid you might as well switch off. NEDDIE. Mr Greenslade! Are you trying to lose us our host of listeners? Remember tis the season to be jolly and all that rubbish! Here, drink this small port wine! FX. GLUG---GLUG-GLUG-GLUG-GLUG-GLUG-GLUG! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now Wall, repeat after me---- Neddie Seagoon is the best comic on radio! GREENSLADE. Sleddie Necroom is zur wurst cronic on ooooooowwwwwwweeeee! What wus in that drink...........................? Laughter. FX. Thud as Greenslade slumps to the ground. SPRIGGS. Thank you Mr Greensludge! I will introduce the next bit as you are incapable, incapabuulllllllllllll. Yes folks, the all leather Goons present the story of a Crocodile, a Pirate Captain and his crew, and his crewwwwwwwwwwwwww! But the story is really about a pretty young girl and her two young brothers. CAST. Oh no it's not! SPRIGGS. Oh yes it is, Jeeeem! Laughter. CAST. Oh all right then! SPRIGGS. Thank you! Now in scene one, we take you over to the island where the pirates keep their ship. Not quite the Ritz but better than some places. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Christmassss Foooolllkkks! CAST. Oooo aarrrr! Belay there! Zounds and other sea-faring type remarks! MUSIC. Bloodnok's theme. FX. Many explosions. BLOODNOK. Ahhhhhhhh! Curried Gunpowder again! Ooooooh! I surrender dear. Right lads, quiet now, here comes Captain Hook! MUSIC. (Fast & Loud) "There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight". Cymbal snap. Laughter. G-THYNNE. Thank you lads. Now you all know what we're doing here today? MORIARTY. Arrrrrr, that we do Mon Captiain. In this scene we're letting the listeners know that we are the bad guys, so they can boo us! Sapristi Piraticals! And a Merry Christmas, Folks! G-THYNNE. That is correct Pirate Frenchy Moriarty. Now, Pirate number three, it's your turn to ask the question about my hook. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! WILLIAM. Oh right Captain, mate. Why have you got an 'ook instead of an 'and? And a Merry Christmas, Folks! G-THYNNE. Well done, William! I shall tell you. Some time ago that green coated fiend Neddie Pan chopped off my left hand and fed it to that damned crocodile. CAST. Oh no he didn't! G-THYNNE. Oh yes he did! Laughter. G-THYNNE. I only just escaped from the crocodile, that's why I have a hook, all right matey? The trouble now is, the crocodile's still 'round here looking for me. I must have tasted so good to him, that he wants to eat the rest of me! But I have one thing to my advantage. He also swallowed an old alarm-clock, so when I hear it ticking I know he's around. GREENSLADE. Having recovered from that small port wine I will now continue with the story. In the next scene we take you to the house of the Darling family where Wendy, Michael and John are being looked after by their dog, Nana. FLOWERDEW. Woof! Woof! And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Laughter. WENDY. (Posh voice) Oh Michael, oh John, come and look out of the bedroom window at the stars. Don't they look beautiful, all twinkling up there in the sky? ECCLES. Urrrr----yeah Wendy, all twinkling in dur sky! BLUEBOTTLE. Yeeeesss! I like the twinkling type stars up there in the sky. I wonder who put them there? Thinks;- Is this a good time to have a deep discussion about religion, life, the universe and everything? Maybe not! Ahey! Unthinks. WENDY. I have heard that up there somewhere there is a place called Bogner! No, sorry, I meant "Never Never Land". Laughter. ECCLES. Never Never Land? I've never heard of Never Never Land! BLUEBOTTLE. And I've Never Never heard of Never Never Land! Laughter. WENDY. Well they say that in Never Never Land there lives a boy called Neddie Pan, a boy who never grows up. He can fly and even play the alto saxophone. (Aside) I know it should be the Pan-Pipes but we're a bit jazzier than that! NEDDIE. Isn't it about time I had a few lines? I could play my saxophone! MUSIC. (A few bars of jazz on alto saxophone). BLOODNOK. Wait your turn lad, I'm having to! Laughter. WENDY. Right boys, it's time to get into bed and go to sleep now. I shall dream about Neddie Pan tonight! Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to be able to fly so that we could visit Never Never Land? ECCLES. Goodnight! (Pause) Then .....SNORE! SNORE! SNORE! BLUEBOTTLE. Goodnight! (Pause) SNORE! SNORE! SNORE TYPE SNORE! WENDY. I'll just leave the bedroom window open in case anyone should come in tonight. Oh, the boys are asleep already! I'll just close my eyes and drift away. GREENSLADE. As the children sleep peacefully in their beds, a figure flies quietly in through the open bedroom window, leaving his pal Tinkerbell outside. MUSIC. (Fast and Loud) "There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight". Cymbal snap. Laughter. NEDDIE. (Megaphone) Yes folks, at last, it's me, Neddie Pan! Hurrah, and a Merry Christmas, Folks! CAST. Frantic very loud applause, whistling and cheering! NEDDIE. (Megaphone) STOP! ...I know I deserve it, but save some for later, folks! I've arrived in the bedroom of a beautiful young girl. I wonder what I should do next? Oh yes, I'm here to grant her wish! Her wish? What about mine? Huuurrrr! Puts down megaphone, smiles and says, Hello Folks! Laughter. NEDDIE. Her wish folks, is to visit Never Never Land. Tonight I shall fly her away. Wake up, wake up Wendy! I wonder what her other name is? Perhaps it's Boatcomesin? Did you get that, folks, Wendy Boatscomin? Huurrrrrr! Laughter. SELLERS. I don't wish to know that, kindly leave the bedroom! Laughter. WENDY. No Neddie, my name is Wendy Darling! NEDDIE. In that case, HELLO DARLING! WENDY. Oh Neddie, can you really fly us to Never Never Land? NEDDIE. Us? What do you mean, us? WENDY. I have to take my brothers or I cannot go! NEDDIE. Curses! I get a date with a great looking bird and she brings her brothers along! Laughter. WENDY. Look, they're waking up! This is Michael and this is John! BLUEBOTTLE. Hello Mr Pan, I'm John and this my brother Michael played by Eccles. ECCLES. Har-low dere! Are you the fellar who can fly? NEDDIE. Yes lads, I'm Neddie Pan, and this is my side-kick Tinkerbell! MINNIE. Hello buddie, are you coming to Never Never Land with us? ECCLES. Yeah! We go everywhere with Wendy, she's our big sister, you know! BLUEBOTTLE. 'Ere, you're a bit old for a fairy, ain't you? MINNIE. Let me tell you buddy, there's a lot of old fairies out there! BLUEBOTTLE. I know, I've been to the theatre a few times recently! Aheeeyyy! Laughter. WENDY. But Neddie, how are we going to get to Never Never Land? NEDDIE. We shall fly, of course! WENDY. But we haven't got tickets! Do we go by Easyjet or Ryanair? NEDDIE. No Wendy, we don't go by plane, we just fly under our own power. WENDY. But we can't fly like you! NEDDIE. You can if I sprinkle you with Fairy Dust! Watch! GREENSLADE. Sprinkle-Sprinkle-Sprinkle. There! Laughter. NEDDIE. Now that all of you have been covered in fairy dust you can fly! WENDY. It's true, we can fly, whoopee! Come on John and Michael, just try! BLUEBOTTLE. 'Ere, this flying lark is all right just flying 'round the bedroom, but what happens when we get out there over the roof-tops? ECCLES. You should worry, you've got pyjamas on! I'm only wearing a nightshirt! Laughter. MINNIE. Whoopee! Off we go lads, to Bogner, sorry, I mean Never Never Land! GREENSLADE. And while the children fly off to Never Never Land, we on stage at the studio have to put up with a musical item from Bob Kerr and the boys. MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Applause. GREENSLADE. Thank you Bob. that was wonderful! CAST. Oh no it wasn't! NEDDIE. Oh yes it was! CAST. Oh no it wasn't! FX. Gunshot. CAST. Oh yes it was! Laughter. MUSIC. Flying type link music. GREENSLADE. Neddie Pan. Part two. Neddie, Tinkerbell and the children arrive in Never Never Land just in time for breakfast. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! NEDDIE. Right! Here we are! I'll just get the lost boys to make you some breakfast. Lou, Flowerdew, Lalkaka, feed our visitors will you? Bacon and eggs? FLOWERDEW. All right Neddie, I'll put the frying pan on. LOU. And it suits you, already! Laughter. LALKAKA. That is a very funny European type remark Mr Lou, sir. What a pity that we have all heard it many times before, hooray! NEDDIE. No bickering there lads, just make our visitors feel welcome. After break- -fast I'll take them on a trip around the island. They'll want to see the Indian Village and the Pirate Camp. CAST. Oh no they won't! NEDDIE. Oh yes they will! WENDY. Oh yes we will! MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. Laughter. GREENSLADE. After a hearty breakfast, Neddie takes Wendy and the boys to the top of the cliff overlooking the beach where the pirates have their headquarters. ECCLES. Hey look everybody, 'dere's a big galleon down 'dere in the sea by the beach! NEDDIE. Yes lad, that's the pirate ship, it's called "The Saucy Mrs Trusspot". WENDY. Where did you hear that? NEDDIE. "Round the Horne", 1963. Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Can we go down to the beach, Mr Pan? I want to go for a paddle! NEDDIE. No lad! If we go down there, the pirates would catch us. Anyway if you go into the sea near here, you'll probably meet up with the crocodile. BLUEBOTTLE. CROCODILE? You didn't tell me there were goinge to be Crocodiles! Aheyyyyyyy! I don't like this game! Can we go home please, Wendy? I want to play with my little pussy cat, Fang! Laughter. WENDY. Oh no, we don't want to go home yet! We've only just got here and I'm sure that the writers have some wonderful adventures in store for us! NEDDIE. I wouldn't like to put money on that, Wendy. However we could fly over to the pirate ship and have a look around. There won't be anyone on board at the moment, they'll all be on the beach or in the caves. ECCLES. OK, let's go! FX. Whoooosh! BLUEBOTTLE. Ooooooooooh! I don't like this flying game! GREENSLADE. While Neddie is flying the visitors over to the pirate ship, here is a word from our sponsors; SELLERS. FILTH! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Next week another word. And now back to our Pantomime "Neddie Pan". MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. NEDDIE. Right, here we are folks! There's nobody about so we can have a good look around! What would you like to see lads? ECCLES. Oooooh! How about the cannons, Neddie? I should love to see dem big gun things dat go......BANG! BLUEBOTTLE. Oooooh yes! I would love to see the big black naughty type guns! Do you know how they work, Neddie? NEDDIE. Yes, lad, I'll show you. You drop the iron type cannon ball in this end and you put gunpowder in the other end. You point it where you want the cannon ball to go and then you light the fuse. ECCLES. And then it goes----- BANG! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes it does! It goes ---- Bangy Bangy type BANG! Shall we try it out? Laughter. NEDDIE. NO, NO, we mustn't do naughty things like that! Wendy, try climbing up the rigging with me. We can leave the boys to play on their own for a while. GREENSLADE. So while Neddie and Wendy climb the rigging, Eccles and Bluebottle are left on their own near the cannons. Can anyone guess what's going to happen next? FX. BANG! GREENSLADE. Hands up all those of you who knew that was going to happen? What, all of you? Oh no you didn't! CAST. Oh yes we did! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile the cannon ball has landed among the pirates on the beach. FX. Wheeeeeeeee, then --- Explosion type bang and bang type explosion. Laughter. BLOODNOK. Aaaaaaahhhhh! Splat me nurglers and splin me thruns! Owwwww! Where did that come from? (Pause) Mr Smee? CRUN. Mymnn mymmm ahmnmmm, yes sir? What is it? BLOODNOK. Mr Smee, we've just been hit by a large cannon ball, or was it by Cannon and Ball? Laughter. CRUN. The only place it could have come from is, mnk, mnk, mnk, mnk, mnk, mnk, mnk, mnk, our own ship! BLOODNOK. Our own ship? Stratt me cringes! That means that somebody is on board! I'll bet it's that naughty type bounder Neddie Pan and his mob. Right lads, into the rowing boats and back to the ship! Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! CAST. Oooo Aaaah! And other pirate type sayings! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Bloodnok and the pirates row quickly back to the "Saucy Mrs Trusspot". Meanwhile Neddie has taken Wendy over to the mermaid lagoon. This leaves just Michael and John, I e, Eccles and Bluebottle on board the pirate ship. Now read on; ................... ECCLES. Here we are, exploring the cabins below deck on the naughty pirate ship! BLUEBOTTLE. Yes, it is good to explore the pirate ship, int' it? It's a good job those naughty pirates are all on the beach, 'cos if they found us down here we'd be in trouble. What do you think they would do to us if they caught us? ECCLES. Oh, they'd probably make us walk the plank! BLUEBOTTLE. Aheyyyy! I do not like walking the plank type plank 'cos it sticks out over the edge of the ship. Down below is the dreaded wet type water and harm can come to a young lad like that! Thinks; It's a good job I have got my water- wings on under my pyjamas. Just in case. Un-thinks. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Tee-heeee! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Little do the boys know, but climbing on board the pirate ship at that very moment, were several naughty type pirates led by Bloodnok. BLOODNOK. Right lads, they must be below decks. Quietly now, we'll creep up on them. MUSIC. (Fast & Loud) "There'll be a hot time, in the old town tonight". Cymbal snap. Laughter. MORIARTY. Hey, Bloodnok, how about giving me a few lines? I've only had one so far and that was on page Two! Laughter. BLOODNOK. It's that right steamer, Pirate number two, Frenchy Moriarty! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Right lad, if you want a few extra lines then you can read this advert from our sponsors. Here you are lad! MORIARTY. Thank you! (Reads) The makers of Footo-The Wonder Boot Exploder send you all this Christmas message....... FX. Explosion. MORIARTY. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Laughter. ECCLES. Here Bottle, did you hear something just then? BLUEBOTTLE. Don't worry, Eccles, it was just the band messing about again. Laughter. GREENSLADE. Meanwhile Neddie has taken Wendy to a romantic spot on a rock out in the harbour where the mermaids swim. NEDDIE. Here we are Wendy, let us sit down here and rest my dear. At last I've got you away from your brothers! Now you can kiss me if you wish! WENDY. Kiss you? Oh no, I could never do that! My mother wouldn't like it! NEDDIE. Your mother's not going to get it! Laughter. GREENSLADE. While Neddie is trying to get romantic with Wendy, back on the "Saucy Mrs Trusspot" the pirates have climbed back on board. FX. CRASH! WALLOP! SPLAT! KERRUMP! OWWWWWWWWW! GREENSLADE. Oh dear, I think there's been a fight! Oh well, it is a pantomime! Laughter. BLOODNOK. Right you two, now you're going to tell me where Neddie Pan lives or we'll skin yer alive, boil yer in oil and then make yer walk the plank. Laughter. ECCLES. You'll never get us to talk! Just you see if you don't! BLUEBOTTLE. Yeess! Just you see! 'Ere, watch what you're doing with that cutlass! Harm can come to a young lad like that! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. Anyway where's Captain Hook? We haven't heard from him for a bit! BLOODNOK. Well you see I play both parts and it's very difficult talking to myself. Never mind that, lad. Where's the entrance to Pan's underground HQ? BLUEBOTTLE. It is at number 23 Little Cringington Street, Peckham, London SE 24. CAST. Oh no its not! BLUEBOTTLE. Oh yes it is! Laughter. CRUN. We shall have to mnk, mnk, mnk, torture you unless you tell us. ECCLES. Can we have a bit of time to think about it? BLOODNOK. How much time do you need? ECCLES. Ooooh, about three years! MUSIC. Dramatic theme music. GREENSLADE. While the pirates are torturing Bluebottle and Eccles we have another little musical interlude. We shall all be tortured by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. MUSIC. Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Applause. GREENSLADE. After that little rendering of Chopin's Jive in E Flat Major we return you to the Goons Pantomime, part the plinn. Neddie is still trying to chat up Wendy. ........ And a Merry Christmas, Folks! NEDDIE. But Wendy, don't you fancy me, (Pause) just a little? WENDY. Oh Neddie, I never realised there was so much of you! I always though you would be slim and athletic, instead you're like a body double of Cyril Smith. Laughter. NEDDIE. What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what? How dare you. Madam! (Aside) I can see I picked a right one here. Laughter. WENDY. No Neddie, I don't fancy you, so you might as well take me back to my brothers on the pirate ship. NEDDIE. Very well! (Aside) I suppose I've always got Tinkerbell! MINNIE. Yes, Buddy, you've always got me! You can't beat the old ones! NEDDIE. Do you wanna bet? Hand me that oar! Laughter. MINNIE. No no no, Neddie! No violence in front of the kiddies! NEDDIE. No violence? So far we've had a punch-up, torture and I know that the story will end with Captain Hook getting devoured by a crocodile. You call that no violence, Tinkerbell? MINNIE. Ooooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Neddie takes Wendy back to the pirate ship, where Bloodnok has gone on leave, to give Grytpype-Thynne a chance to play Captain Hook. Zounds! G-THYNNE. It was about time I came back in again! CAST. Oh no it wasn't! G-THYNNE. Oh yes it was! MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. Laughter. G-THYNNE. Ah, I see that you've captured two of the boys! Well done lads! CRUN. Thank you, Captain, but these are not, mnk, mnk, any of the lost boys! G-THYNNE. No? Then who are they, Mr Smee? CRUN. Neddie has brought a, mnk mnk, girl and her two brothers to the island. G-THYNNE. So, we have two of his girl friend's family as hostages! MORIARTY. Oui Mon Capitain, we've had le punch-up and now we can make them walk le plank! Laughter. BLUEBOTTLE. STOP IT! STOP IT I SAY! You're not being nice to little Bluenbottle! All this talk about planks is frighteninge me. I do not like being thrown into the wet type water, 'cos I cannot swim! Thinks; this is the Brer Rabbit gambit that I am trying. I really can swim but they don't know that. I want them to make me walk the plank so that I can swim ashore underwater. End of thinks. PS, I have forgotten about the crocodile. Twit! ECCLES. Don't worry, Bottle, Neddie Pan will save us before these naughty pirates make us walk the plank! CAST. Oh no he won't! ECCLES. Oh yes he will! NEDDIE. Oh no I won't Laughter. G-THYNNE. SILENCE! Before we make them walk the plank we shall use them as pawns. BLUEBOTTLE. No, no, no! You cannot cook us on the Barbie! G-THYNNE. Twit! I said pawns not prawns! Laughter. G-THYNNE. I shall send a message to Neddie Pan that unless he surrenders himself to me by tomorrow morning at ten, I shall make you both walk the plank! BLUEBOTTLE. I do not like this game. It's all my stupid sister Wendy's fault. She won't half cop it from Mum when we get home! Laughter. GREENSLADE. Neddie receives Hook's message at the Red Indian camp where he is visiting the Chief. NEDDIE. Chief, I need your help to rescue some boys from Captain Hook! ELLINGTON. How! NEDDIE. I don't know how, Chief, that's why I've come to you. ELLINGTON. No, Chief mean greetings "How". Thou art a great twit today. Laughter. NEDDIE. Sorry Chief, "How!" Now, can you lend me some brave braves? ELLINGTON. What you want them to do for you? NEDDIE. I need them to create a diversion. I've already got some traffic cones. Laughter. ELLINGTON. Your jokes get worse, white man, and a Merry Christmas, Folks! NEDDIE. If they attack the pirate ship from the landward side, I can get my lot to board her from the seaward side. ELLINGTON. Very well, Neddie, but it will cost you a barrel of firewater when you take over the pirate ship. NEDDIE. It's a deal, Chief! Tomorrow morning at ten o'clock we attack! MUSIC. Dramatic theme music. GREENSLADE. At ten o'clock the next morning, Captain Hook and his pirates parade Eccles and Bluebottle on the deck of "The Saucy Mrs Trusspot"! G-THYNNE. Right you two! Pan has not surrendered himself to me by this time, so you will both be forced to walk the plank. Tie their hands behind their backs! BLUEBOTTLE. 'Ere, that is not a nice thing to do to someone who is about to be thrown into the dreaded water. If my arms are tied then I cannot swim! MORIARTY. But you told us that you couldn't swim, so what does it matter? BLUEBOTTLE. Well you see, I was telling porkies! I can swim but I had forgotten about the naughty type crocodile! Laughter. GREENSLADE. At that very moment the Red Indians make their attack from the land. CAST. (Red Indian type war whoops) CRUN. Captain! Look, we're being attacked by Red Indians in canoes. G-THYNNE. Stand by to repel boarders! CRUN. How do we do that? G-THYNNE. Stop changing the bed linen! MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. Laughter. GREENSLADE. We should like to point out that this joke was first performed by the Goons in "Tales of Old Dartmoor", February 1956. Thank you. NEDDIE. Right, the pirates are all fighting the Indians on the other side of the ship. Now's our chance to rescue Michael and John! Forward! MUSIC. Dramatic fight type music. FX. BIFF! WALLOP! KERSPLAT! POWIE! CURUNCH! OWWW! GREENSLADE. Neddie and the lost boys attacked the pirates from the rear while the Red Indians kept them busy on the other side of the ship. We shall bring you the result later. Meanwhile here are some more of last night's results. Arsenal 3. Chipping Sodbury 6. Real Madrid 4. Henry Crun 0. MUSIC. Corny chord and cymbal snap. Laughter. NEDDIE. Quick lads, untie the two boys and let us get out of here! LOU. Alright already, we'll soon cut them free, my life! LALKAKA. Well done Mr Lou sir, you are very handy with that knife. BLUEBOTTLE. Thank you for saving us, Neddie, can we go home now? ECCLES. 'Ere no, Bottle. We need to get that Captain Hook, for duffing us up! Laughter. NEDDIE. He's right you know! I've had enough of these pirates. As we've got the Red Indians helping us, this is the best time to kick them out. GREENSLADE. And so after a short battle, Neddie and his crew capture all the pirates and tie them up on deck. Now read on................................... NEDDIE. All right Hook, I've got you at last. Now what shall I do with you? G-THYNNE. Transfer me to Granada TV? NEDDIE. Oh no, that's not nearly disgusting enough for you, my friend! G-THYNNE. You could always maroon me on some island. Manhattan perhaps? Laughter. NEDDIE. Oh no, I think I might let you join your old friend the crocodile! G-THYNNE. Not...(pause) .... The CROCODILE? NEDDIE. YES, THE CROCODILE! Ahhhhhaaahhaaa! Right lads, put him on the plank and look out for the crocodile! CRUN. Here comes the crocodile now, Neddie! MUSIC. "There'll be a hot time, in the old town tonight". Cymbal snap. FLOWERDEW. Oh dear, oh dear! Snap--snap--snap! And a Merry Christmas, Folks! Laughter. NEDDIE. Snap-snap-snap? Flowerdew, that was pathetic! A man-eating crocodile has got to be more "Butch". FLOWERDEW. I never wanted to do the role in the first place. Let somebody else do it! Laughter. NEDDIE. All right then. Who wants to play the part of the crocodile? ECCLES. Me, me, me please Neddie! I'd love to play the naughty crocodile. NEDDIE. Very well, Eccles, off you go! ECCLES. Arrrhh humm! SNAP, . SNAP...err, what was it? Oh yeah, SNAP! Laughter. NEDDIE. Sorry, Eccles, not good enough. Anyone else like a go? CRUN. Ermm, how about me, Neddie? NEDDIE. Mister Smee? Very well, let's hear how you would play a crocodile! CRUN. Mnk, mnk, mnk, Snap....mnk, mnk, mnk ... Snap ...mnk, mnk, Snap! Laughter. NEDDIE. No, we haven't got all day, Mr Smee. Anyone else like to try? BLUEBOTTLE. I will have a go at it, Captain. Snap, snap, snap, snap, snappy snap. AHEYYY! I caught my finger in my snapping type jaws. Ooooooh! Laughter. MINNIE. That's no good buddy! I'm the one to play the snapping type crocodile. I've had lots of practise, snapping at Henry! NEDDIE. Very well, Tinkerbell, you can play the part of the crocodile. Now get down there in the sea and wait for us to shove Captain Hook off the plank. MINNIE. OK Buddy, here I go! FX. SPLASH! LITTLE JIM. She's fallen in the water. NEDDIE. Thank you, Little Jim! Don't go away, you'll have another chance to say your catch-phrase in just a moment. G-THYNNE. Oh Neddie, you're not really going to throw me to the crocodile, are you? NEDDIE. Oh yes I am! CAST. Oh no he's not! NEDDIE. Oh yes I am! FX. Wheeeeh........SPLASH! CAST. Oh yes he did! LITTLE JIM. He's fallen in the water! Laughter. NEDDIE. Thank you again, Little Jim. Letting you say it twice was your Christmas present. And a Merry Christmas, Folks! ECCLES. Look, the crocodile is swimming over to grab Captain Hook! MINNIE. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! Laughter. CRUN. What is the Captain doing to his boots? FX. Two short explosions, then......Whooosh! NEDDIE. GAD! He's escaped in his rocket-propelled boots provided by........... GREENSLADE. FOOTO...THE WONDER BOOT EXPLODERS! Laughter. MUSIC. End of Goon Show music. Applause. GREENSLADE. That was the Goons Christmas Pantomime, Peter "Neddie" Pan. Neddie Seagoon............Neddie Pan. Grytpype-Thynne. Captain Hook. Count Jim Moriarty. Frenchy Moriarty. Henry Crun. Mr Smee. Minnie Bannister. Tinkerbell. Mad Dan Eccles. Michael or is it John? Bert Bluebottle. John or is it Michael? Dennis Bloodnok. Pirate Major Bloodnok. Wallace Greenslade. Announcer. Ellington. Red Indian Chief. William. Pirate number two. Flowerdew. Nana. Lost Boy. Etc. Also featuring;...............Wendy Darling. Lalkaka and Lou, as the other Lost Boys. The whole cast as the Pantomime audience. CAST. Oh no we weren't! GREENSLADE. Oh yes you were! THE END. Music by Bob Kerr's Whoopee Band. Script by Clive Kent. Original Goon Characters by Spike Milligan. Produced by Clive Kent. This pantomime was written by Clive Kent to be performed by the Midlands Goon Club. Published on the Midlands Goons Website for all Goon fans to enjoy. BUT............... Any other group wishing to perform this script must apply to the Midlands Goons Website. Definitely THE END. CAST. Oh no it's not! GREENSLADE. Oh yes it is! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------