By Zander Nyrond (email address has been ecclesified to avoid spam) BILL This is the BBC. And this is the ghost of Wallace Greenslade announcing a voice from beyond the grave. SEAGOON Clap hands if you believe in the highly esteemed Goon Show. FX ONE PAIR OF HANDS CLAPPING VERY SLOWLY SEAGOON Dear listeners - this is the ghost of Neddie Seagoon. Even as I speak (sobs) the once proud Goon Show lies near to death, sustained only by the fierce will and keen intelligence of one man. ECCLES (sings) I talk to der trees... SEAGOON (dry) You see our problem. FX KNOCKING ON DOOR SEAGOON Gad, the ghost of a knock on a door. Come in. FX DOOR OPENS GRYTPYPE Good evening. SEAGOON (aside) The speaker was a tall man in a short coat. He was followed by a short man in a tall coat. (laughs - ahem) What can I do for you gentlemen? GRYTPYPE It's more a question of how we can do for you, Neddie. SEAGOON Good heavens, it's the ghost of Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. You've got thinner. GRYTPYPE How can you tell? SEAGOON I can see the wall through you. GRYTPYPE You'll never have that problem, will you, Neddie? SEAGOON (ahem) But tell me, Grytpype - do you mean that you can save the Goon Show? GRYTPYPE First let me introduce the contents of this urn. Count Jim "Negotiable Bonds" Moriarty, late of the East Acton Municipal Crematorium... MORIARTY (in urn) Owww. GRYTPYPE ...and Vice President of the Order of Scrunge. MORIARTY (in urn) Quick, Grytpype, tip me out. FX URN BEING OPENED AND CONTENTS TIPPED OUT MORIARTY (normal) That's better. Now, Mr. Sneegroon, let me explain. GRYTPYPE You see, Neddie, if the Goon Show is to survive until a cure can be found, it must be preserved. SEAGOON But how? MORIARTY We happen to know the location of the greatest living expert in the lost art of preserving Goon Shows. SEAGOON You do? Quick, tell me, before it's too late. GRYTPYPE Certainly - for a price. SEAGOON What what what what what what what what what? GRYTPYPE Please don't do that. SEAGOON You swine, Thynne. GRYTPYPE Come, come, Neddie - the late Count and I have to make a living, you know. SEAGOON Yes, there is that. All right - how much? GRYTPYPE Four pounds. SEAGOON All right, here's the ghost of a five pound note. GRYTPYPE What a lovely shade of white. And here is the ghost of a pound note change. SEAGOON I'll take it to the ghost of my bank tonight. Now - where can I find this Goon Show preserver? GRYTPYPE Turn out your pockets. FX LONG SERIES OF THUDS, CLUNKS AND BANGS FADE UNDER: BILL While Mr Seagoon is emptying his pockets, here is the ghost of a conk. MAX Oh boy, my conk is risen from the grave. Ploogie! MAX & ORCHESTRA MUSIC BILL We return you now to Mr Seagoon's pockets, which have almost reached the Jurassic era. FX FADE UP LONG SERIES OF BONKS, BANGS AND KLUDS SEAGOON What is it we're looking for? GRYTPYPE A brass door knocker. SEAGOON Don't be silly - what would I be doing with a-- FX BRASS DOOR KNOCKER LANDS ON FLOOR GRYTPYPE There. now, Neddie, just knock on this gravestone. FX KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK SEAGOON I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my-- FX DOOR OPEN (VERY OLD AND CREAKY) CRUN Mm yes? SEAGOON Oh. Ah - good morning. CRUN Morning. SEAGOON Are you the greatest living expert in the lost art of preserving Goon Shows? CRUN No. SEAGOON Well, may I speak to him? It's very urgent. CRUN I'm afraid he's dead. SEAGOON Oh. (gulp) What was his name? CRUN Henry Crun. SEAGOON But that's your name. CRUN Is it? SEAGOON Well, it's the name on your gravestone. CRUN It's a lie, sir, that gravestone is an impostor. MINNIE (off) What's going on, buddy? CRUN (calling) It's all right, ghost of Min, it's just someone at the impostor. MINNIE (closer) Oooh, it's little Neddie. CRUN (power) Min Bannister...if you're not going to look through the right end of that telescope, put it down at once! MINNIE Don't you talk to me like that, you old... CRUN & MINNIE (furious argument) SEAGOON Excuse me!! (ahem) We've got a Goon Show that needs preserving. CRUN Oh, well you'd better bring it inside. SEAGOON Bring it inside? I can't lift it, let alone bring it. CRUN Oh, it's one of the larger models. They don't make 'em like that anymore, you know, you can't get the wood. Well, you'll need to get it here somehow, this grave doesn't travel, you know. MINNIE Here's a man to get things moving - yim bom biddle bee... RAY One each end, and lift. RAY & QUARTET MUSIC BILL That was Ray Ellington. SEAGOON He won't try that again in a hurry. Now to find a real expert. ORCHESTRA BLOODNOK THEME BLOODNOK Aeioughh. Oeioughh. Aeiough. You know, it's not as bad as it used to be. FX EXPLOSION BLOODNOK Ohhhh. SEAGOON Major Bloodnok, I've been told that-- BLOODNOK All lies, I tell you, foul calumnies and slander. It's a black day for old England when the ghost of a respectable military man is pursued beyond the grave by these vile unsubstantiated rumours. SEAGOON (pause) Ahem. I was told that you're an expert on transporting Goon Shows. BLOODNOK Well, why didn't you say so, lad? Come in, sit down, warm yourself by the ghost of this gas stove. SEAGOON Thank you. BLOODNOK (totting up) Now, let me see..one Goon Show...Greenslade... orchestra...Ellington...yes, I should be able to bring that in for you...shall we say a hundred pounds? SEAGOON (aghast) A hundred pounds? BLOODNOK Well, I have to make a living somehow. SEAGOON (aside) Dear listeners - where am I going to get that kind of money? There's only one thing for it...(sings) We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... FX PENNY IN MUG GRAMS SEAGOON SINGING, SPEED UP WITH COINS CLINKING BILL While Neddie tries valiantly to raise the finance for transportation, we take you now to a special BBC bunker under Salisbury Plain, where the ailing Goon Show is even now receiving expert attention. ORCHESTRA Dr. KILDARE THEME - FADE OUT BLUEBOTTLE Where does this bit go, Eccles? ECCLES Ooo. Let me see now, dat takes me back - you know, I haven't seen one of these in - ooh, must be - um - you know what, Bottle? BLUEBOTTLE What is it, Eccles? ECCLES I never seen one of dese before. Hahum. BLUEBOTTLE Must go on the inside then. FX SCREECH OF METAL LID OPENING - DISTANT ECHOEY CLANG. BLUEBOTTLE Eheu! FX METAL LID CLOSING BLUEBOTTLE I like this game, don't you, Eccles? ECCLES Oh yer, yer. BLUEBOTTLE Fearless boy snurgeon Bottle preserves Goon Show single-handeded. ECCLES Here, what about me? BLUEBOTTLE I will preserve you as well, my good man. Scrungeon Bottle knows no fear. ECCLES Okay then, wrestle this tiger. BLUEBOTTLE No fear. Hehe! Joke by Blune button. A smile, a songe and a scalpel. Eheu! I nicked a finger. ECCLES That's nothing. I nicked a whole hand. FX KNOCK ON DOOR BLUEBOTTLE (very quiet) Eccles. ECCLES Yer? BLUEBOTTLE There is someone at the door, Eccles. ECCLES Okay, um, I'll answer the door, and you be the fellow on the other side. (aloud) Come in. FX DOOR OPEN WILLIUM Scuse me, gents, there's a geezer outside. ECCLES Hot water at last. This is livin'. WILLIUM Says he's got to move the Goon Show. ECCLES Ooo. BLUEBOTTLE No, no, I tell you the Goon Show must not be mov-ed. Stands protectively in front of bed, reaches behind self for weapon. FX DUCK CALL BLUEBOTTLE Decides to use bare hands. SEAGOON Fear not, little white-coated drip stand, I have a man here who can move the Goon Show without danger. BLUEBOTTLE Oh, it is the ghost of my capitain. Abandons protective pose. SEAGOON (calls) All right, Major Bloodnok. BLUEBOTTLE Resumes protective pose. SEAGOON Come, come, lad, the Major is an expert in his field. BLUEBOTTLE Well, who let him out of it, then? SEAGOON I'll soon take care of this. Eccles? ECCLES Yer? SEAGOON Take this hook and attach it to Bluebottle's trousers. ECCLES Okay. SEAGOON (calls) All right, Bloodnok, haul away! FX CRANE LIFTS BLUEBOTTLE (into distance) Yeheu, you rotten swines, put me down. FX SPLASH LITTLE JIM He's fallen in the water. SEAGOON Now, attach the grapples to the bed. GRYTPYPE Not so fast, Neddie. SEAGOON Grytpype. Moriarty. What are you doing here? MORIARTY No sudden moves, petit Welsh blob. Bloodnok, hand over that hundred pounds. BLOODNOK What? I refuse. MORIARTY Owww. Hand it over or we dynamite the Goon Show. BILL Oh, for goodness sake, stop it all of you. SEAGOON BLOODNOK What what what what what what what what what what? MORIARTY BILL Please don't do that. Now I've had a perfectly good offer from a group in Manchester. They will take full responsibility for moving and preserving the Goon Show at no cost to you. Simply sign here. SEAGOON Oh. Well, that sounds very reasonable, eh, lads? BLOODNOK I agree. MORIARTY Very well. FX THREE PENS SCRATCHING BILL There, now, that's much more sensible than all this squabbling, isn't it? SEAGOON Gad, yes. (emotional) How can we stand here arguing about money when the life of our beloved Goon Show is at stake? GRAMS EEH AH OH OOH SOUND ECCLES It's in a bad way. BLOODNOK Yes, it must be hell in there. SEAGOON They'd better start at once, Mr Greenslade. BILL Not so fast, gentlemen. There is the small matter of my commission. SEAGOON Eh? BILL One hundred and four pounds, please. Even the ghosts of BBC announcers have to make a living somehow, you know. SEAGOON You ghost of a traitor, Greenslade. BLOODNOK How dare you. MORIARTY Owww, owww... ORCHESTRA GOONS GALLOP (UP AND UNDER CLOSING ANNOUNCEMENT)