-
A Kingsley-Union Films Release
PETER SELLERS
in -
The Case
of the
Mukkinese Battle-Horn -
with
- Spike Milligan
- Dick Emery
- Pamela Thomas
- Wally Thomas
- Bill Hooper
- Gordon Phillot
-
SCREENPLAY
- Harry Booth
- Jon Pennington
- Larry Stephens
-
ADDITIONAL MATERIAL
- Peter Sellers
- Spike Milligan
- Music: Edwin Astley
- Photography: Gerald Gibbs
- Film Editor: Ferne Muleboot
- Camera Operator: Brian Rhodes
-
PRODUCED BY
- Jon Pennington, Harry Booth, Michael Deeley
-
DIRECTED BY
-
Joseph Sterling
"In the wonder of Schizophreniscope, the new Split Screen."
Our view is completely obliterated by a pea-soup fog. We hear coughing...
NARRATOR (American)(OOV)
London. Yes, London. Who can fail to recognize the city's great landmarks? Here, in Trafalgar Square, for instance, there is Nelson's Column. And even in the worst fog, you cannot miss Nelson's Column.
SOUND EFFECT: Car skids and Crashes
NARRATOR
You see? There's someone not missing it now! But there is one famous London landmark that anyone could miss, tucked away in a little side turning.
The fog clears and we see the classic stock shot of the entry to the (old) New Scotland Yard building
NARRATOR
Recognize it? Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard is the headquarters of the CID - the Criminal Investigation Department of the London Police. Let us take a look at the world-famous CID at work through the medium of a true real-life case; a factual documentary record straight from the files of Scotland Yard.
A file labelled "The Case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn" is removed from a filing cabinet. Cross-fade to a museum case labelled "Mukkinese Battle-Horn".
NARRATOR
Yes, the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
A brick shatters the glass case in which the Horn is contained. Hand comes into the frame, removes the brick, and we hear hurried footsteps running away. Then we hear them coming back. Someone's hand replaces the brick and very noisily removes the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
NARRATOR
The fact was not discovered until the following morning.
MUSIC: "Hurry-up" cue
MUSEUM GUARD (old)
Get... me... Scotland... Yard.
NARRATOR
Within minutes of the report of the burglary, Scotland Yard was on the scene in the person of the Yard's Ace Detective, Superintendent Quilt.
Car pulls up and out of frame, backs up into frame and stops in front of museum. Quilt (Sellers) gets out, all the time scolding driver. Quilt opens trunk, to let out Detective BROWN (Milligan).
INTERIOR MUSEUM: DAY
WOMAN POLICE CONSTABLE
Good morning, sir.
QUILT
Good morning, Constable. Where's the body?
WOMAN POLICE CONSTABLE
Body, sir? Oh, there's no body here.
QUILT
You mean...we're alone?
MUSIC: Romantic theme plays, and fades
NARRATOR
Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt and Sergeant Brown began a thorough search for clues.
BROWN
Look, sir! (points down) An impression of a heel!
QUILT
Very clever, Brown. We haven't time for your impressions now.
BROWN
Thank you, sir.
We follow as Quilt walks to another room.He addresses NODDULE (Dick Emery)
QUILT
I say, you there, are you the body?
NODDULE
No, Are you?
QUILT
Oh, no. I'm Superintendent Quilt of Scotland Yard.
NODDULE
Delighted to meet you. My name's Noddule, I'm a curator here.
QUILT
How do you do?
NODDULE
Ha, ha, how do you do?
They shake hands
QUILT
Give me my glove, will you?
NODDULE
Yes, of course.
QUILT
(Looking past Noddule) Hello?
NODDULE
Hello? I thought we just met.
QUILT
What have we got over here?
He walks over to the smashed display-case.
QUILT
What's all this about, eh?
NODDULE
That? Oh, we had a robbery last night.
QUILT
A robbery... Anything stolen? (picks up card and recites) "Metropolitan Museum, Mukkinese Battle-Horn, 9th-century copper inlaid with ruby enamel". (picks up the brick) You've been swindled, old man.
NODDULE
What?
QUILT
This is an ordinary house brick.
NODDULE
I know. The Mukkinese Battle-Horn has been stolen.
QUILT
What?
Drops brick on Noddule's foot.
NODDULE
Aaaaah!
QUILT
I must warn you that anything that you say can and will be taken down and used in evidence against you. Sgt. Brown?
BROWN
Yes, sir?
QUILT
Make a note of that.BROWN
Right, sir.
They both gabble rapid-fire, simultaneous police-type jargon.
QUILT
Have you got all that?
BROWN
No, sir!
QUILT
Good! You know, Noddule, it strikes me as very, very fishy why the thief chose this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing when there were all these other rare and valuable items lying around.
NODDULE
Really?
QUILT
Mm-hmm. Such as those golden slave bangles
NODDULE
By Jove, you're right!
QUILT
Yes...
NODDULE
He could have easily whipped one of those Chinese jade ornaments.
QUILT
Mmm.
NODDULE
Or even this (pointinging and walking towards vase). This Priceless Grecian vase...
He knocks the vase over - it smashes.
...Botheration! Cleggett! Nip round to Woolworth's and get me one of those Priceless Grecian vases, will you?Cleggett exits
QUILT
Mr. Noddule, can you give me a full description of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
NODDULE
Description? I can do better than that. (yells off) Cleggett!
CLEGGETT
Yes?
NODDULE
Bring in the other Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
QUILT
Other?
NODDULE
This one was one of a pair. Supposed to be the only identical pair in existence.
QUILT
Come now then, Noddule! Do you take me for a raving idiot?
Cleggett wheels in the other horn
QUILT
I'm an officer of the Police Force and I...
Noddule, Brown and Quilt turn to see the horn
QUILT, NODDULE & BROWN
AAGH!
QUILT
So, um...this is it?
NODDULE
Yes. This is it.
BROWN
It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir.
NODDULE
With a little more plumbing, of course.
QUILT
Look, um, tell me one thing.
NODDULE
Yes?
QUILT
What are these holes?
NODDULE
I'm glad you mentioned those. They help to change the pitch of the note.
QUILT
I see.
NODDULE
Now this one here, this one here is for D-Sharp...
QUILT
That's rather ingenious.
NODDULE
Yes, yes, yes. And that one there is for A-Flat.
BROWN
Terribly stunning. (pointing to another spot on the horn) What's this hole here for!?
NODDULE
Used razor blades.
BROWN
Mr. Noddule, you're trying to be funny, sir.
NODDULE
(to camera) Aren't we all?
Car drives up
NARRATOR
Soon the various experts from the CID began appearing on the scene. At 11:10, the police photographers arrived ...
Police are seen posing for a family portrait-type shot
NARRATOR
... photographed the police, and hurried away again. At 11:30, QUILT began his interrogation of witnesses and possible suspects.
INTERIOR QUILT'S OFFICE: DAY
QUILT
Send in the night watchman, J. Smith.
FIRST CONSTABLE
Call J. Smith!
SMITH (Spike Milligan) emerges from a sarcophagus. Smith is to all intents and purposes, Eccles.
SMITH
Hellooo! Ooooh. Fine, fine, fine. (Sings) "Everything's going to be fine..." (he is manhandled by a constable). Oh, here, what're you doing? Lemme go! Lemme go, now! Take your feet off me! (Looks around)
QUILT
Are you J. Smith?
SMITH
(nodding) Nope, nope.
QUILT
He's not J. Smith, Brown!
SMITH
(to constable) He's not J. Smith-Brown.
QUILT
That's not Brown!
SMITH
That's not Brown.
QUILT
Where were you on the night of the throventeenth?
SMITH
(to Quilt)I was at the pictures. (to Constable), I WAS AT THE PICTURES! (to Quilt) BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang, wit-tidda-dum, dayday, fine.
QUILT
What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
SMITH
What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
QUILT
It's been stolen!
SMITH
Oooh. (to Constable) It's been stolen.
QUILT
Constable, get this idiot out of here!
SMITH
Get this idiot out of here!
Constable removes Smith, while Smith protests.
QUILT
Next witness! I won't stand for it! I'll show you! Next witness, Constable.
FIRST CONSTABLE
Right, sir. Next witness!
BROWN
This is the janitor, sir.
QUILT
Mr. Crimpe, would you like to tell us your story?
CRIMPE
Sounding much like Willium "Mate" Cobblers, but played by Emery) Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding in an orderly manner towards the main gate in order to lock up...
QUILT
Mm-hmm...
CRIMPE
When suddenly, someone jumps out and wallops me on me 'ead. Wallop, wallop, wallop, on me 'ead. I turns 'round and wallop, wallop, wallop again!
QUILT
Incredible.
CRIMPE
Down I goes I goes and wallop, wallop, wallop on me 'ead again! Then, just as I start to get up, wallop, wallop, wallop...!
QUILT
On your head?CRIMPE
Yes sir. Wallop...QUILT
Wallop...CRIMPE
Wallop...
QUILT
Hmm...Wallop. Tell me, Mr. Crimpe, did you notice anything peculiar about these men?
CRIMPE
Yes, sir.
QUILT
What?
CRIMPE
They kept on wallopin' me on me 'ead.
QUILT
I see. Is there anything else?
Crimpe removes his cap to reveal a large bandage.
CRIMPE
Yes, sir. Could I have an aspirin?
QUILT
Constable, look after Mr. Crimpe, would you?
CRIMPE
Thank you very much, sir. (leaves with 2nd Constable)
FIRST CONSTABLE
The next witness!
An attractive, slinky blonde, with a 'Veronica Lake' hairstyle approaches the desk
BROWN
(smitten) The next witness is waiting, sir.
QUILT
(looking down at the desk) Fine, Brown. Now then, sir...
Camera, mimicking Quilt's eyes, examines the woman's figure, after which Quilt is equally smitten
QUILT
... where were you on the night of the throventeenth?
BLONDE WOMAN
Don't you remember?
QUILT:
(still gazing at Woman) Have you got all that down, Brown?
BROWN
Yes, sir!
QUILT
Well, rub it out again, would you?
NARRATOR
Lieutenant Quilt hurried back to Scotland Yard and within minutes of his arrival, the well-oiled machinery of the CID sprang into action.
INTERIOR MP CONTROL: DAY
Someone is riding an exercise bicycle which seems to supply the power to the dispatcher's phone set. The bike rider and the dispatcher are both dressed in nightshirts and nightcaps.
DISPATCHER
Calling patrol car 11D, calling car 11D! Urgent. Turn left into Oxford Street and head west, turn left into Oxford Street and head west. Calling car 5K, car 5K, turn right into Oxford Street and head due east, turn right into Oxford...
SOUND EFFECT: Car skid and crash.
DISPATCHER
Calling ambulance one-seven, calling ambulance one-seven...
CUT TO: Newsreel of captured German soldiers.
NARRATOR
The search continued. During the afternoon, several arrests were made.
CUT TO: EXTERIOR FOGGY STREET NIGHT: two lovers are gazing into each other's eyes.
NARRATOR
With nightfall, the weather took a turn for the worse. But, even in the darkest, foggiest street, London's indomitable police searched on, stopping late wayfarers and ruthlessly questioning them.
CONSTABLE
Hey! Hey, you two!
MAN
Uh, yeah?
CONSTABLE
Can you tell me the way back to the police station?
MAN
Just over there.
CONSTABLE
Thank you.
Constable exits, with his arms straight out in front of him, like a sleepwalker
SOUND EFFECT: Shout and fall into the water.
WOMAN
Darling, how romantic! We must be by the river.
CUT TO: INTERIOR POLICE STATION: DAY. Officer enters, carrying a stack of papers.
NARRATOR
By noon the following day, vast amounts of vital evidence were pouring in.
Officer with stack of papers drops an envelope on Quilt's desk and walks away with the rest. Brown scans the envelope with a magnifying glass and presents his verdict.
BROWN
It's a letter, sir.
QUILT
Well done, Brown.
BROWN
Thank you sir.
QUILT
Now let's see what this letter's all about. shall we? Hello! It's a report from the police laboratory.
BROWN
Really, sir?
QUILT
Yes. Let's see... 'Analysis of fluff taken from night watchman's trouser cuff. Discovered were fragments of wool, cotton, fine ash from Turkish-type cigarette, particles of dried mud from a limestone district...
BROWN
Good heavens!
QUILT
...and a quantity of low-grade industrial soot or coal dust.'
BROWN
Really, sir? And what was the analyst's conclusion?QUILT
This suit needs cleaning.
BROWN
God!
QUILT
File that will you Brown?
BROWN
At once, sir!
Brown stretches out the hand that holds the report. Brown takes out a nail file and uses it on the report.
GRAMS: Knock on door.
Accompanied by silent-film style piano, a man with a moustache and hat enters the room. The following sequence is rendered in title cards.
BURKINGTON
GOOD MORNING.
Burkington does an extremely complex mime sequence, seemingly involving more than one person.
BURKINGTON
"I am CATCHPOLE BURKINGTON, famous star of the silent films."
Quilt and Brown look at each other, with some astonishment. Quilt tries to speak, but finds no sound is coming out. They decide to write out what they want to say.
QUILT
(Holds up piece of paper on which he has written) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BURKINGTON
I'VE CALLED FOR MY UNEMPLOYMENT MONEY
QUILT
THE LABOUR EXCHANGE IS NEXT DOOR!!
Burkington uses the disguises cupboard to make instant changes an 1890s style striped bathing suit, then back to his original suit. He takes a deep bow. While he is bent over, the Constable with the stack of papers trips over him. Burkington exits.
ANNOUNCER
We interrupt our story to bring you a word from Mr. Maurice Ponque.
Slow pan across to Mr Ponque
PONQUE (Dick Emery)
My name is Maurice Ponque... and I live in a little log cabin in Piccadilly. Last night, I left a burning cigarette by my bedside and the 'ole place burnt down. And the night before last, my fire insurance run out.. and we did not get a penny. My, how we did laugh, heh-heh, when we - heh-heh - heard about it.
ANNOUNCER (OOV)
Mr. Ponque has nothing to do with our story. We thought you might like to see what a real idiot sounds like.
INTERIOR SIR JERVIS FRUIT'S OFFICE: DAY
A highly coiffed blonde exquisite (Sellers) is lounging at his desk on a chaise-longue. He wears a smoking jacket and has a very long cigarette holder. The scene is intercut with Quilt, at his office desk.
NARRATOR
Six months later. The public are pressing for an early arrest. The Assistant Commissioner, Sir Jervis Fruit, rings Superintendent Quilt with an inquiry.
FRUIT
("Grytpype-Thynn" voice, languidly) Hello, Quilt. Have you a light?
QUILT
A light? Certainly sir.
Quilt holds a lighter up to the receiver, and Fruit lights his cigarette at the other end
FRUIT
Thank you.
QUILT
All right, sir.
FRUIT
Quilt, about this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing, something must be done, you know.
QUILT
Yes.
FRUIT
Quilt, I want you to call at every Music Shop and Pawn Shop, masquerading as a musician inquiring for a Mukkinese Battle-Horn. Have you got that?
QUILT
Yes sir, Yes, yes.
FRUIT
Good. What ever you do, take every precaution and don't get yourself killed. Oh, I don't know, though...
A stone crashes through Quilt's window
QUILT
(panic-stricken) What was that? What was that Brown? Brown, what is that?
BROWN
(looking at the rock through his spyglass) It's a magnifying glass, sir!
QUILT
Control, Brown, control!
BROWN
A stone! With a message tied to it.
QUILT
What does it say?
BROWN
(reads note) 'Fred Smith, Window Repairer.'
QUILT
(reading same note) '14A Hurley Street.'
BROWN
Why, that's 14A Hurley Street's address!
QUILT
Yes, and no more than a stone's throw from here. Brown, we'll start our search there.
Brown puts on a hat that is too large for him and exits.
EXTERIOR STREET NIGHT.
Short montage of Pawnbrokers' signs - the last, outside CRUN's shop, has an extra ball...
QUILT
Business must be good.
BROWN
Yes, Sir.
Quilt knocks , impatiently.
QUILT
Come on!
CRUN
(inside the shop) Puss, pussy, pussy, kitty, kitty. Come on out of there you naughty little Tiddles.
(Knocking is continuous throughout this scene.)
MINNIE
Henryyy! Henryyy!
CRUN
Come on, Tiddles.
MINNIE
Henryyy!
CRUN
What is it Minnie? I... is... what is...
MINNIE
Knicky, knacky, knocky at the door!
CRUN
Minnie, I can't hear what you're saying for that knocking noise!
MINNIE
Tell them to stop that knocking!
CRUN
I can't hear you! Mnk, ngk...
Knocking stops
BROWN
I think there's someone coming ...
Crun opens the door a little
CRUN
Would you mind not knocking for a moment, please?
QUILT
Certainly.
CRUN
Thank you. (closes door) Now ... what was it, Minnie?
MINNIE
There's someone ... at the door, Henry.
CRUN
No, no ... there isn't Minnie.
MINNIE
No ... there isn't, is there, Henry.
CRUN
No ... no ...
MINNIE
Sorry Buddy ... good night.
CRUN
Good night, Minnie ... good night, Min.Crun opens door a little way.
CRUN
It's all right ... you can carry on now.
Crun closes the door. We stay outside with Quilt and Brown, who pause and then re-commence the knocking.
MINNIE
Henry!
CRUN
back inside) Now what is it?
MINNIE
There's someone nicky-knocking at the door!
CRUN
(over Minnie's continuing prattle) There's NOT a nicky-knocking needle nardle noo! Look ... I'm telling you ... you stupid old cow! There's no-one there, I'm telling you ... mnk .... Aargh! ... you naughty old ... (going to door) There's no-one there, I'm telling you.
Crun goes to door and opens it
CRUN
Good evening. Won't you please come in?
QUILT
Brown, this may be dangerous. I want you to stick around here and keep your eyes open.
BROWN
Right, sir.
QUILT
Don't forget, Brown. Keep a sharp watch out.
BROWN
All right, sir.
INTERIOR SHOP: NIGHT
QUILT:
Good evening.
CRUN
Good, mm, good evening.
QUILT
Uh, I'm think of taking up music and I'm looking for a Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
CRUN
You can't get them, you know.
QUILT
Um, why not?
CRUN
You, mnk, can't get the wood, you know.
QUILT
I see.
Poor old Molly Gnasher.
QUILT
What about her?
CRUN
She couldn't get the wood either.
QUILT
Perhaps some other time. Well, good night.
CRUN
Good...nnn...good night.
Quilt leaves, and joins Brown in the street, around a corner. The shop door opens and the BLONDE WOMAN emerges.
BLONDE WOMAN
Good night, Mother.
MINNIE
Good night, darling. Don't be late now.
BROWN
Good heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady you questioned at the museum, don't you think?
They set out after her. CUT TO: A sign that reads "Maxie's Club"
NARRATOR
The mysterious blonde led Quilt and Brown to Maxie's Club, a notorious hangout of London's Underworld.
EXTERIOR MAXIE'S CLUB NIGHT.
QUILT
Brown? I want you to get a message through to Scotland Yard to say that we're coming here and...
In the door a shutter slides open and MAXIE peers through it. He wears a false beard and moustache and dark glasses.
MAXIE
Yeah?
QUILT
I haven't knocked yet.
MAXIE
Sorry.
Closes shutter. Quilt raps on the door. The shutter opens again.
MAXIE
Yeah?
QUILT
Are you Mr. Maxie?
MAXIE
Such is my name.
QUILT
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Such. Will Mr. Maxie be along?
MAXIE
I AM Mr. Maxie.
QUILT
Then you weren't very long, were you? We were wondering if we could get into your club here.
MAXIE
You were wondering if you could get into my club here?
QUILT
Yes.
MAXIE
No.
QUILT
Why not?
MAXIE
This is a specially-fitted, double-strength, armour-plated door, and nobody can get through it.
QUILT
Then how did you get in?
MAXIE
Easy. I came through there.
We now see that next to the door is an opening with Saloon-style louvre doors.
QUILT
Cunning, very cunning.
A man is flung head-first out throught the luvre doors into the street.
QUILT
Anyone we know?
BROWN
No, sir.
QUILT
Brown?
BROWN
Yes, sir?
QUILT
You'd better stick around and see what clues you can find.
BROWN
Very good, sir.
INTERIOR CLUB: NIGHT
A few dodgy-looking customers at tables. Three-piece band on the stand - tenor sax, piano and drums. It manages to sound like a full jazz band... Quilt walks into the club, which instnantly falls silent and all eyes are focused on him. He sits down next to the Blonde Woman without seeing her, and takes off his hat. The noise resumes. The light dims and an exotic dancer with a veil moves seductively to some Pseudo-Eastern music. Quilt is very interested. The dancer moves closer to him.
QUILT
Oh, beauteous one. Oh, fairest of the fair! Sublime siren! Exquisite enchantress. What are you doing in a low hovel like this?
DANCER(J. SMITH)
I gotta make a living too, y'know!
QUILT
Why, you're not a girl, you're a man!
SMITH
I know that! But don't tell the manager.
QUILT
Why not!?
SMITH
We're engaged!
QUILT
I...see it all now.
SMITH
You can't! I haven't taken off the veils yet. Ha, haaa, ahee, ahigh, ahoo!
He covers Quilt's face with a veil and runs off. Quilt puts on his hat over the veil
QUILT
Brown!
BROWN
Yes, sir?
QUILT
Where are you?
BROWN
Where are you, sir?
Business: they look around, unable to locate one-another although close together
QUILT
I'm behind this curtain, Brown.
Brown removes the veil from Quilt's head
BROWN
Good heavens, sir! What a brilliant place to hide!
QUILT
Thank you, Brown.
BROWN
By the way, sir, that dancer...
QUILT
Yes?
BROWN
Wasn't that the man you interrogated at the museum, sir?
QUILT
Yes. I'm finally beginning to see the whole sinister plot.
BROWN
What do you mean, sir?
QUILT
I'll show you. Waiter!
WAITER
Yes, sir?
QUILT
Bring me the manager.
Maxie enters
MAXIE
Somebody call?
QUILT
Yes. First the night watchman and then...
He pulls off Maxie's glasses and false beard
BROWN
Good heavens, sir! The curator of the museum!
QUILT
Yes! Alias Doppleganger Wormscrew, head of an international ring of Mukkinese Battle-Horn smugglers!
WORMSCREW (Maxie)
Curses! Unmasked! Waiter!
BROWN
Be careful, sir! This might be a devilish trick!
The waiter arrives with a bowl of soup, from which Wormscrew) removes a gun. The detectives cower.
QUILT
Gad! Minestrone!
Brown runs his finger over the top of the barrel of the gun and licks it.
BROWN
And no salt!
QUILT
Brown! Quick, Brown!
Brown opens his jacket to reveal two sheathed swords. Quilt takes one
QUILT
The 11th hour but nevertheless just in the nick of time.
WORMSCREW
Bah! Outwitted by a neat and audacious trick!
Brown lifts Quilt's hat,and Quilt moves away from under it, fencing.
BROWN
Come!
Wormscrew and Quilt begin to fence, one with the gun the other with the sword
WORMSCREW
Touché!
QUILT
Three-ché!
WORMSCREW
Four-ché!
Brown holds out Quilt's hat, and peers into it.
BROWN
My God! He's ... gone!!
The fight continues. Quilt pours ketchup on Wormscrew's right arm.
WORMSCREW
Oh, BLOOD!
Wormscrew faints
QUILT
There! That's put an end to your... Nothing can save you now. Not all the king's horses, not all the king's men!
Through the swinging louvre doors, The Three Musketeers appear
MUSKETEER 1
Defend the King!
MUSKETEERS (together)
Defend the King!
They cross their swords and then charge, swords pointing forward.
QUILT
Brown, help me!
BROWN
(jumping in with a drawn sword) Excalibur!
QUILT
Down with the Lurgi! Have at you!
A full-blown melee ensues.
WORMSCREW
(still on the floor) I'm dying! I'm dying! I don't want to die!
CUT TO: Blonde Woman fencing with Quilt
QUILT
Brown?
BROWN
Yes, sir?
QUILT
Who is this girl?
BROWN
That's the producer's girlfriend, sir.
QUILT
What?
BROWN
(Straght to camera) You think I'm kidding?
WORMSCREW (still on the floor)
But I'm gonna die! It's in the script! I'm dying! (looking at blonde womans ankles) I...I...oh, what a wonderful world we live in!
QUILT
(taking a short break) It's all rather confusing, really ... (resumes fencing)
WORMSCREW
(still on the floor, getting an eyeful of the Blonde Woman's legs) No, I don't! I want to live! Yes, I want to live!
BROWN
By the way, sir. Did you turn the gas off?
QUILT
Yes. They can't win. The poor fools can't win!
EXTERIOR MAXIE'S CLUB, NIGHT
Quilt and Brown are thrown out of the club.
QUILT
...I fear that taught them a lesson, Brown?
BROWN
By Jove, yes, sir!
Brown's hat falls at Brown's feet. QUILT retrieves it and Brown puts it on
BROWN
Thank you.
Mournful horn sounds can be heard in the distance. They get up.
QUILT
Thank goodness I've got you Brown. It would take a Superman to evade those eagle eyes of yours.
BROWN
Thank you, sir.
QUILT
Come lad, we must try and find the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
BROWN
Right, sir!
QUILT
Whoever stole it won't get away, Brown.
They walk down the street. A busker is playing an instrument which is basically a Serpent with a lot of additional plumbing... it can only be the Mukkinese Battle-Horn - the source of the mournful music. They look at the musician for a while. They look at his sign, which says "EX-MUKKINESE SERVICE MAN. THANK YOU".
QUILT
Poor devil. Give him a couple of coins, Brown. (They walk off) Yes, Brown, arrest everyone...
The busker stops playing, looks in their direction, smiles mysteriously, and begins playing again.
End titles:
- BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT WITH
- NATHAN TWITT Esq
- Those who
- DID NOT APPEAR
- are
- FREDA CLENCH
- The under-water soprano
- (OWN TANK)
FRED NURKE
JIM PILLS- Saxophonist Extraordinary
BARBARA SEVILLE- and
- LURGI - THE WONDER DOG
- And
- THAT'S THE END!