Crazy People: 1951 #1: Broadcast 28 May, 1951 CAST Harry Secombe Peter Sellers Michael Bentine Spike Milligan The Ray Ellington Quartet The Stargazers Max Geldray Material compiled by Spike Milligan The Dance Orchestra conducted by Stanley Black Produced by Dennis Main Wilson RECORDING: Sunday, 27 May 1951. 5.30-6.15 pm. TRANSMISSION: Monday, 28 May. 6.45-7.15 pm. (HOME) ANNOUNCER: (LIVE) This is the BBC Home Service. DISC - FANFARE ANNOUNCER: What is the zaniest comedy show on the air today? SPIKE: Er - Today in Parliament? ANNOUNCER: No, it's those 'Crazy People', the Goons. (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: GOONS GALLOP (Up & under) ANNOUNCER: At last here is a programme for listeners with three ears ..... one for Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers, Michael Bentine, and Spike Milligan. One for the Stargazers, Max Geldray and the Ray Ellington Quartet, and one for Stanley Black and his Zulu Bubble Dancers!! So pull your chair up to the ceiling; fill up your glass with potassium cyanide and let the Goons do the rest! ORCHESTRA: UP AND OUT (APPLAUSE) PETER: Among the artistes appearing will be Arthur Cragworthy. SPIKE: Hello. PETER: Cloot Wilkington. HARRY: Hello. PETER: And Harold Vest. MICHAEL: Hello. PETER: And three parts will be played by.... MICHAEL: Hello. PETER: (SANDY FIELDS) Here, next to me, standing on the head of the producer, is our author. We leave him to tell you his story. Mr. Arnold Fringe. HARRY: My name is Jones. I wrote this programme strictly for the radio - but they said as a radio show, it was ahead of its time. PETER: When was that? HARRY: 1852. PETER: Continue. HARRY: I shall ... HARRY: (laughs) I thought of many titles for the radio programme and finally I settled on... SPIKE: 'Yuckabakaba'. PETER: Why? HARRY: Why not? PETER: Touche. HARRY: Mmmm! Bless you! Every day I phoned the BBC in hopes of contacting some influential person - finally I managed to get one of the heads - this I mounted on a pike. PETER: How jolly. HARRY: Yes. At that time I was living in dire poverty - have you ever lived in dire poverty friend? PETER: No, I have a little flat in Brockley. HARRY: What a merry place to be sure - continuing my story - I was very, very poor ... worry turned me grey ... this gave me a peculiar appearance as I was completely bald at the time. As my last resource I opened up a little tobacconist's shop in Town. Unfortunately the little tobacconist caught me! He sent for the police, and so I ...... FADE OUT AND IN F/X: (GAVEL ON DESK) SPIKE: Order in court - first case. MICHAEL: The prisoner, your honour, was found to be in illegal possession of two thousand half-smoked cigarettes. PETER: (JUDGE) Two thousand cigarettes? Mmmm ... what have you to say for yourself, Mr. Jones? HARRY: (WHEEZY COUGH) PETER: (OVER COUGHING) Fined forty shillings or seven days. HARRY: I paid the fine with trembling fingers, but ... they wanted money! PETER: You were sent to prison? HARRY: Yes! I was a fugitive from justice... Harried from pillar to post I had been finally spotted. A grim pursuit ensued. With a fast police car on my tail I sped like a mad thing through hamlet and village up the Great North Road - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. And they'd never have caught me, but for one thing. PETER: What? HARRY: My boots wore out! STARGAZERS & ORCHESTRA: 'LET YOURSELF GO' (APPLAUSE) PETER: That was the Stargazers who appeared by kind permission of the Greenwich Observatory. HARRY: Pip-pip (cough) pip - pip. ORCHESTRA: FANFARE ANNOUNCER: Motor Racing! The story of the B.R.M. The story of how it was born. PETER: (GLENDENNING) The international car races will soon be in full swing. In past years the Italians have run away with all the prizes... in some cases before the race had even started. But this year they will have to contend with Britain and the B.R.M. Here to tell the story of this wonderful car is Captain Pureheart MICHAEL: Good evening. PETER: Mmmmm. Yes well now, tell me what was the first race you ever won? MICHAEL: The Old Crocks Race in 1892. PETER: But that was before you were born! MICHAEL: Do you imagine it was easy for me? PETER: Ha ha ha!!! I think we'd better start your story. MICHAEL: Yes. After the war an impoverished Britain put on an international car race at Silverstone - poor Britain, we had a very weak team - I shall never forget the dramatic finish of that first race. F/X: (CROWDS CHEERING & ATMOSPHERE - MOTOR CARS RACING) HARRY: (excited) And here come the Italian and German cars, neck and neck and it's the Italian pipping the German, as the chequered flag goes down on the finishing line! And here a long way behind coming into third place is Captain Pureheart the British driver. SPOT F/X: (HORSE GALLOPING TO A STOP. NEIGH. WHINNY) SPIKE: Woah boy woah! (FADE) MICHAEL: Yes - British prestige sank pretty low - but I was determined. I decided to raise sufficient funds to build a new car. So I hurriedly held a meeting with my bankers. ALL: (TALK VERY FAST) HARRY: Hup! MICHAEL: The answer was 'no'. I tried every possible way to get money, finally I was successful, all I had to do was ... SPOT F/X: (SPLINTERING OF GLASS, POLICE WHISTLE) MICHAEL: (Proudly) .... and six months. With this money I gathered six car designers, we locked ourselves in a garage and really went to town. ALL: (SING) 'There's an old Mill by the Stream, Nelly Dean' (FADE) HARRY: They set to work with grim purpose. This was to be the car that would recapture Britain's lost trophies. They rented factory at Berkhamstead and at dawn 3,000 pit workers arrived at the works entrance. Soon the air rang with the sound of their labours and by midnight the foreman reported the result. PETER: (COCKNEY) Well - now we got a 'ammer. MICHAEL: Next I called on my technical adviser, Ernie Splutmuscle. PETER: Er, did you want me n'at Captain? MICHAEL: Yes Splutmuscle, here's five thousand pounds, I want you to go to Italy and bring back the finest motoring brains that money can buy. PETER: Righty-ho! MICHAEL: Three weeks later he arrived back with a glass jar. In it were the finest motoring brains that money could buy. HARRY: In the meantime the engine had been completed and the mechanics were fitting the body together. F/X: (PHONE BELL) MICHAEL: Hello. HARRY: Hello Captain. The garage here. MICHAEL: Good, how's she coming? HARRY: Alright. MICHAEL: Have you put the bonnet on? HARRY: Yorst, and I don't 'arf look stupid in it. (laugh) MICHAEL: Come the day when there she lay, the B.R.M. my sleek new shiny monster was ready for her first trial run. I checked her over with Splutmuscle. F/X: (TAPPING) MICHAEL: Splutmuscle. PETER: Yais Captain? MICHAEL: Have you checked the oil? PETER: No yais, n'at. MICHAEL: In both head lamps? PETER: Yais. MICHAEL: Splendid. Right, well help me into the cockpit, lad. BOTH: (GRUNT GROAN) PETER: Righty ho, all set n'at. MICHAEL: Good. Now, when I say the word - turn her over! PETER: Ever vigilant, n'at. MICHAEL: Right! Turn her over! F/X: (WHISTLE & CRASH) PETER: Are you alright under there, Captain, n'at? SPIKE: Yes, I see you must have had some rather trying experiences. MICHAEL: Indeed yes, I shall never forget the thrill of pulling into the pits for the first trial run around the race circuit. As I drove up... (FADE) F/X: (REVVING OF RACING CAR ENGINE) PETER: Well, Captain, I timed you at 152 miles an hour. MICHAEL: Oh splendid. PETER: But how did she hold the record? MICHAEL: Magnificently... but I still think we should have some wheels. ORCHESTRA: LINK MICHAEL: At last came the day when the car was completed and Lady Quilter christened it. With due ceremony she broke small bottle of champagne over the bonnet. PETER: I name this car 'B.R.M.' F/X: (GLASS BOTTLE BREAKING - PAUSE - SOUND OF CAR FAIILING TO BITS) MICHAEL: Rebuilding starts tomorrow. PETER: A thoroughly disinteresting story, Captain, I assure you. One parting shot, why do you call your car the B.R.M.? MICHAEL: Ha ha ha! The B.R.M.? Well that's the sound it makes, sort of brrrmmmmm! brrrmmmm! (drives away into the distance) PETER: (FADING) Goodbye! Goodbye! ELLINGTON QUARTET: 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS' (APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: You have just heard the Ray Ellington Quartet in 'Keep off the Grass'. Listeners will join us in wishing Mr. Ellington a speedy recovery from his laryngitis. And now to news of the moment. The call-up of Class Z Reservists may temporarily deprive many industries and professions of their key men. It may well affect radio too. . Let us therefore give you a more concrete example of what might happen if a shortage of radio artistes did necessitate existing performers taking on extra work. We present.... SPIKE: Dick Barton! Special Agent! GRAMS: 'DEVIL'S GALLOP' (down for) HARRY: In our last episode you will remember we left Dick, Jock and Snowey trapped in a gas-filled sewer (which you'll remember, was beneath a haddock-stretching factory in Park Lane). You will remember they were suspended by their feet. (You will remember they had feet.) Jock works himself free and cuts Dick and Snowey down. PETER: Good work Jock. HARRY: Ohhhhhh! PETER: Good heavens! Snowey's fainted. Quick, Jock, you take his legs. SPIKE: I can't, they're joined to his body. PETER: Oh good! He's coming round. Are you alright Snowey? HARRY: Yes, I'm alright, you alright, Mr. Barton? PETER: Yes I'm alright Snowey, are you alright, Jock? SPIKE: Yes I'm alright, are you alright, Mr. Barton? PETER: Yes, I'm alright, you alright, Jock? SPOT F/X: (TREMENDOUS PROLONGED NOISE OF DOOR BEING BROKEN IN) PETER: Listen. (cautiously) I think there's someone trying to get in that door. SPIKE: You're a genius Mr. Barton. PETER: Yes, aren't I? But don't worry men, you can stand by me to rely on you. SPIKE: Here Mr. Barton, you better have my gun. PETER: No thanks Jock, I've got my two fists. HARRY: Yes, pity they're both on the same arm. F/X: (WHISTLE AND LARGE BUMP ON THE GROUND) PETER: Look, they've thrown something through the door. HARRY: Great Scott! It's an atom bomb! SPIKE: What'll we do? PETER: Quick men put your fingers in your ears. F/X: (TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION) PETER: (FAGAN) You threw an atom bomb in the cellar, didn't you, Sidney. SIDNEY: Yes. FAGAN: And you've blown Mr. Barton into little pieces, haven't you, Sidney? SIDNEY: Yes. Yes. ANNOUNCER: Listen again tomorrow to 'Dick Barton's Special Funeral'. GRAMS: 'DEVIL'S GALLOP' (UP) PETER: (SIDNEY) Yes! Yes! HARRY: Well, Herschell, what did you think of that? PETER: Shall we dance? ORCHESTRA & MAX GELDRAY: (Echo on Harmonica) 'I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE' (APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: That was Max Geldray playing 'I Can't Give You Anything but Love'. The next part of the programme follows as soon as it has been written. In the meantime it is our wish in this new programme to cater for all tastes. We have already presented items which we believe will not be to the taste of listeners to the Home and Light Programmes, and so it remains only for us to offer something which will not be to the taste of the Third Programme listeners. Therefore, we present... ORCHESTRA: (DOING! - EASTERN MOOD MUSIC) MICHAEL: (ON ECHO) 'The Quest for Tutankhamen!' ORCHESTRA: LINK 1. PETER: My name is Porridge, Sir Harold Porridge. For months my expedition had been digging for the lost tomb of the greatest of the Pharaohs, King Tutankhamen. Two thousand Khurdish coolies and their wives, 500 Bosarabian porters and their bags, and 600 dromedaries, all engaged in the task of excavating. For two years we dug every inch of ground - then, finally, we received a cable from the Egyptian Government. It said simply- HARRY: 'Stop digging Hackney marshes - try Egypt!!' PETER: Was this a trick? Was King Tutankhamen really buried in Egypt? The answer came in a mysterious way. One night my partner, Harold Vest, had a strange experience. (FADE) SPIKE: (FADE IN) It was a hot night in June. Unable to sleep - I took out a sleeping pill. I then woke it up, and swallowed it. In the deep slumber that followed - I heard a sepulchral voice that said.... (FADE OUT AND OPEN FOR) MICHAEL: (ON ECHO) Go to the Valley of Kings. There you will find the tomb of Tutankhamen! SPIKE: But how do I get in? MICHAEL: Tut-and-Kham-in! SPIKE: But how - how will I know you? MICHAEL: (ON ECHO) I will be wearing a re-incarnation (FADE IN) PETER: Vest recounted this unusual incident to me and we immediately organised a second expedition. HARRY: But first we needed money. PETER: Yes, so we approached the Governor of the Bank of England. To our request he replied HARRY: (HYSTERICAL LAUGH) PETER: So we tried a money lender, and he said... MICHAEL: Never .... never .... PETER: So we got it on the never-never. Day after day my staff interviewed potential members of the expedition. (FADE SLIGHTLY OUT) PETER: (dramatic) Finally in April, the great expedition set off. ORCHESTRA: VOODOO DRUM BEAT (Held Under) PETER: Let me read you a few extracts from our diary, of the hazardous journey to Egypt. HARRY: April 2nd, well on our way. Scouts going ahead on horseback with elephant guns. MICHAEL: April 23rd, all men inoculated against the dreaded Black water fever. Lurgi pills issued. Morale very high. SPIKE: May 13th, tension mounting to fever pitch as we approach our destination. HARRY: May 15th, at last expedition arrives (DRUM STOPS ABRUPTLY) .... Victoria Station! ORCHESTRA: SHORT LINK ANNOUNCER: Finally on May 16th the expedition arrived at Dover. Sir Harold immediately sets about buying a ship. F/X: (SEAGULLS WAVES ETC.) PETER: Mmmmmm! She doesn't look very seaworthy. MICHAEL: Ha ha ha, my dear sir this ship's only been used once before. PETER: Really, who by? MICHAEL: Hornblower. ORCHESTRA: (LINKS) PETER: And so the expedition sailed. The ship's log tells the story. PETER: June 11th. In Bay of Biscay. Weather very cold. EFFECTS: (HOWLING GALE - HOLD) PETER: Captain awakened at midnight. F/X: (KNOCKING ON CABIN DOOR) HARRY: (Excited) Cap'n. Cap'n! PETER: What is it, man? HARRY: There's a fire in Number One Hold. PETER: Oh! I'll come down right away. This cabin's freezing. EFFECTS: (GALE OUT) ANNOUNCER: Two months grim sailing and then from the crow's nest the news they had all waited for. SPIKE: Der - land ahead!! MICHAEL: (off mike) How far? SPIKE: Oh! - ummmm - Der - lemme see now - orr - no prompting from the crew now -4, 6, 5, 7, der - well I should say - F/X: (SHIP HITTING LAND) SPIKE: Der - mind if I go ashore? ORCHESTRA: LINK 5 PETER: The ship foundered, but the crew managed to save the things we needed most - namely ... SPIKE: Women. PETER: I won't bore you with the story of how we finally located the King's tomb - oh, I don't know, I might as well. One day a gigantic, burly native came in with the news. MICHAEL: I've found the place. PETER: Where? MICHAEL: It's behind that sand dune! ORCHESTRA: LINK 5 PETER: In less time than it takes to say... SPIKE: Yakabakaba! PETER: ... we had found the sarcophagus of the Pharaohs! (dramatic) I was about to see the fulfilment of a lifetime's endeavour. Tense with excitement we all gathered around the Royal Tomb ... MICHAEL: I think everything is ready, sir. Shall we lift the lid? PETER: Yes. Yes. MICHAEL: Very well, Sir Harold. Ready chaps? Easy now... lift! ... Again! ORCHESTRA: TREMOLANDO STRINGS ALL: (GRUNT) EFFECTS: (GRATINGS) HOLD UNDER FOLLOWING HARRY: Look. MICHAEL: I can see him!! SPIKE: Look - King Tutankhamen! PETER: Stop!! MICHAEL: What is it? PETER: We're too late! MICHAEL: You mean ....? PETER: (dramatically) Yes. He's dead!! ORCHESTRA: LINK 6. ORCHESTRA & STARGAZERS: 'HONEY I LOVE YOU BUT' (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: FANFARE 4 ANNOUNCER: 1951. The Festival of Britain! HARRY: In this memorable year that means so much to Britons everywhere, what more appropriate than a programme devoted to the old country herself. Shall we away? SPIKE: (ECHO) Salute to Britain! ORCHESTRA: 'LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY' (down under) ANNOUNCER: (ECHO) The world salutes Britain! MICHAEL: By radio from every corner of the globe come tributes and congratulations. ORCHESTRA: FANFARE 'A' ANNOUNCER: (ECHO) Australia salutes Britain! F/X: (SLIGHT RADIO DISTORT) PETER: Too right cobber, we are divided from you by 50,000 miles of land and sea. Let's keep it that way. ANNOUNCER: America salutes Britain! MICHAEL: (American) Yes indeed, without doubts, Britain can take it. Every dollar that we have sent Britain, Britain has taken. ANNOUNCER: Food! Despite rationing a special effort is to be made in this Festival Year to make British Restaurants attractive to visitors. MICHAEL: Stimulated by shortages, British culinary arts have risen to new heights of invention. PETER: This is what a famous French Chef said after sampling one of our traditional meals. HARRY: (AGONISED) OOOOOOOOH!!!! F/X: (RAPPING ON DESK) ANNOUNCER: Hygiene. In the department of sanitation Britain stands ... alone. Despite the fuel shortage and the exhortations of Cabinet Ministers, the average Briton remains wedded to his weekly bath night. F/X: (BATH WATER RUNNING AND SPLASHING) HARRY: (SINGS) MARIE: (Off) You in the barf, Fred? HARRY: Yerst. Why? MARIE: (Off) Well, I want to clean your boots. HARRY: Oh blimey! Now I'll have to take 'em orf. ORCHESTRA: 'LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY' (SOFTLY) (hold under) MICHAEL: And so Britain has struggled valiantly on through the post-war years, fighting for a better standard of life for the pursuit of happiness for freedom... Fighting for her very existence! Until today the Motherland can still raise her proud face to the skies and say .... HARRY: HEELLLPPPPP!!! (APPLAUSE) ORCHESTRA: MARCH OF THE GOONS (CLOSING ANNOUNCEMENT FOR CRAZY PEOPLE) 6.45 p.m. (APPLAUSE) CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: (LIVE) Peter Sellers is now appearing in Variety at the London Palladium, and Michael Bentine in Variety at the Empire Theatre, Glasgow. We regret that Margaret Lindsay, who was billed in the Radio Times, was unable to appear.