S04E03 The Ghastly Experiments of Dr Hans Eidelberger

Series 4: Episode 3
Recorded: Sunday 11th October 1953
First Broadcast: Friday 16th October 1953
TLO 35740
.........................................................................................................

{Opening Missing}

ORCHESTRA: "March of the Goons"

{Applause}

TIMOTHY: That applause was especially recorded for our new serial, for that fantastic cast from The Boys’ Bullseye Man, featuring:

SELLERS: 'The Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe'!

ORCHESTRA: Corny music: “I Just Want to Be Happy”

TIMOTHY: And that music was played by The Gruber Quartet, who’ve been especially engaged…

SELLERS: Direct from The Seaview Hotel…

MILLIGAN: …residency lounge…

TIMOTHY: …to play all the theme music for this thrilling new serial:

MILLIGAN: 'The Adventures of Fearless Harold Secombe'!

ORCHESTRA: Same corny music

SELLERS: Part one…

SECOMBE: Section one…

SELLERS: Instalment one…

SECOMBE: Chapter one.

TIMOTHY: But first, for the benefit of new readers, here is a synopsis of…

MILLIGAN: What has gone before:

TIMOTHY: Nothing.

MILLIGAN: Now read on!

TIMOTHY: Chapter one: The Ghastly Experiments of Doctor Hans Eidelberger, and his sinister Oriental assistant, Yakamoto.

ORCHESTRA: Tatty gong

EIDELBERGER (SELLERS): [Fade in] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Just one more ~pot~ here, so – ha.

YAKAMOTO (MILLIGAN): Honourable doctor has completed another ghastly experiment.

EIDELBERGER: Ja, Yakamoto, only a few more now.

YAKAMOTO: Only one drama – we have run out of honourable victims.

EIDELBERGER: Hmm… You didn’t order another dozen as I told you.

YAKAMOTO: I know – today, early closing.

EIDELBERGER: Oh? Never mind, I ~~~ the agent Headstone is at this moment collecting a special victim for me – one, he assures me, is – the ideal body.

ORCHESTRA: Cheerful link

SECOMBE: [Merry singing]

FX: Knocks on door

SECOMBE: Coming!

FX: Door opens and closes

HEADSTONE (SELLERS): Mr Secombe?

SECOMBE: That is my name.

HEADSTONE: [Coughs] Have you somewhere I could hang up my top hat and shovel?

SECOMBE: Certainly, hang them on the coat rack there. Here, let me take your trowel as well.

HEADSTONE: Thank you.

SECOMBE: Here, who are you?

HEADSTONE: My name is Headstone, although I’m known as “The Digger”.

SECOMBE: Oh, you’re an Australian.

HEADSTONE: No.

SECOMBE: Well, what are you exactly?

HEADSTONE: I’m a mortician, naturally, I’m British of course.

SECOMBE: You’re an undertaker? Nonsense. Can you prove it?

HEADSTONE: Yes!

FX: Fast nailing

HEADSTONE: Well?

SECOMBE: [Muffled] I’m convinced. Take the lid off!

FX: Crate opens

SECOMBE: Foof, thank you. Now, what do you want to see me about?

HEADSTONE: A very grave matter, Mr Secombe; your health. How do you feel?

SECOMBE: Me? Fine, fit as a fiddle, brim full of health, bursting with vitality, gay one, top of the world, in the pink, ~hailed and harpy~, and crammed with vim virile vigour!

HEADSTONE: Then I know just the doctor for you.

SECOMBE: Splendid, I’ll go and see him immediately, if you’ll let me have his address.

HEADSTONE: Certainly: Doctor Hans Eidelberger, 10A Massacre Street, East Acton.

FX: Door opens

SECOMBE: Thank you, goodbye.

HEADSTONE: Goodbye.

SECOMBE: Goodbye.

FX: Door closes

SECOMBE: 10 Massacre Road, East Acton; I must get there as soon as possible!

TAXI MAN (ELLINGTON): Taxi, sir?

SECOMBE: Thank you.

ORCHESTRA: Same cheerful music, but at half tempo

TAXI MAN: This is it.

FX: Car door opens

SECOMBE: Thank you

FX: Car door closes

SECOMBE: Now, what’s it say on the clock?

TAXI MAN: Ah, a quarter to four.

SECOMBE: Oho, bother, I’ve only got a five past five.

TAXI MAN: Oh, that’s alright, sir, I’ve got change here.

SECOMBE: Thank you and here’s a couple of minutes for yourself.

TAXI MAN: Thank you very much, sir, cheerio.

GRAMS: Car drives away, under:

SECOMBE: Goodbye. [Clears throat] Now let me see, number 27A, ah yes, Doctor Hans Eidelberger. Please give two rings. Right:

FX: Two hits on tatty gong. Door opens

YAKAMOTO: Aaah, honourable sir, good morning. Please enter, Mr Secombe.

SECOMBE: Oh, thank you. I wish to see Dr Hans Eidelberger.

YAKAMOTO: Honourable doctor is at present making experiment in next room.

SECOMBE: Oh, is he?

GRAMS: Terrifying screams

SECOMBE: What on earth was that?

YAKAMOTO: [Pause] Scream.

SECOMBE: That’s funny, it sounded like someone in pain.

YAKAMOTO: Not all experiments successful.

FX: Door opens

EIDELBERGER: Achtung! [More gibberish German curses with “Empire”] Yakamoto!

YAKAMOTO: Honourable doctor?

EIDELBERGER: Experiment two sixty-six kaput! I have failed with experiment two hundred and sixty-six. Ooh! Who is this?

YAKAMOTO: Experiment two hundred and sixty-seven.

EIDELBERGER: Ah, Mr Secombe, welcome.

SECOMBE: Aaaaaah! Why are you sticking that needle in my arm?

EIDELBERGER: I haven’t got a pin cushion.

SECOMBE: Oho, oh that’s alright then.

EIDELBERGER: Come this way.

FX: Door opens

SECOMBE: Thank you.

EIDELBERGER: Perhaps this time my experiment will succeed. There must me a man somewhere who can take the weight of a steamroller on his face.

SECOMBE: Wait! Wait, I heard that, and I warn you I’m not paying for any fancy Harley Street treatment. Do I get everything on the National Health?

EIDELBERGER: Everything except the steamroller. That, you get on your face.

SECOMBE: Thank you.

FX: Door closes

ORCHESTRA: Same cheerful music at half tempo

YAKAMOTO: ~Silence, please.~ Honourable listeners are wondering perhaps how experiment is progressing. One moment, please. I will observe:

FX: Door opens

SECOMBE: [Terrified screams mixed with “oh no!”]

EIDELBERGER: [Annoyed grunts underneath]

YAKAMOTO: Experiment proceeding ~~~~~~~~~~.

FX: Door opens

EIDELBERGER: Yakamoto, come in here.

YAKAMOTO: Coming, sir. Experiment not a failure.

SECOMBE: Let me go, you scoundrels! Release me at once from this ordinary wooden chair to which you have bound me hand and foot, thereby rendering me helpless. Little does he know that I am sawing through my ~~~~ through a rusty nail in the wall.

EIDELBERGER: Little does he know that it doesn’t make any difference as I have nailed his boots to the floor.

SECOMBE: Little does he know that I have a spare pair of boots concealed in my ear, and at any moment I shall leap up, brandishing my revolver!

EIDELBERGER: Little does he know that I have taken his revolver.

SECOMBE: I wonder how Arsenal got on today.

EIDELBERGER: Enough of this, Secombe. The time has come for you to die.

SECOMBE: Why?

EIDELBERGER: Well, you’re so old! Yakamoto, hand me my gun, and…

FX: Door opens

TAXI MAN: Oh there you are, sir.

SECOMBE: Oh hello, cabby!

TAXI MAN: Sorry to bother you, sir, but that five past five you gave me was a forgery. It’s ten minutes slow.

SECOMBE: Never mind that now, man, help me distract these two criminals, that is if you don’t abject to a bout of fisticuff.

TAXI MAN: Abject? Oh no.

SECOMBE: Right. Put up your ~~~~~ ~~~~ Eidelberger, and you Yakamoto!

TAXI MAN: Here, you dirty foreigners, take that!

FX: Whacks, under:

OMNES: [Fighting calls and pain]

YAKAMOTO: Would explain to anxious listeners that fight not going in our favour. Now please excuse me while I receive Secombe’s honourable fist ~~~~~~~~~~.

FX: More whacks, under:

OMNES: [More fighting calls and pain, under:]

TIMOTHY: Will Fearless Harry overpower the villainous ~~~~~? Will Eidelberger succeed in opening the flood gate? Will Kensington, the cab driver manage to stop the oncoming train in time? Will Yakamoto…

EIDELBERGER: Aaah, shut up!

FX: Thud

TIMOTHY: Ow! How dare you? Take that!

OMNES: [More fighting calls and pain, under:]

BLUEBOTTLE: ~~~~~~~~~ next week’s ~~~~ instalment! Order your copy in advance! A free bag of ~~~~ given away to everyone! Who will win? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ forces of evil! ~~~~~~~~~~ Hooray!

SECOMBE: Oh, shut up!!

FX: Thud

BLUEBOTTLE: Aeough!!!

OMNES: [More fighting calls and pain, under:]

ORCHESTRA: “I Just Want to Be Happy”, segments into epic finish

……………………………………
{Max Geldray number missing}
……………………………………

TIMOTHY: The most electrifying moment this year was a dramatic message flashed to London and the message read:

SELLERS: Everest conquered.

MILLIGAN: Everest conquered, and this could only mean one thing; Everest had been conquered.

SECOMBE: Yes, finally conquered!

TIMOTHY: But we, The Goons, question the authenticity of the Everest expedition that claimed to have climbed that great mountain. We give you now the story on which ~~~~ doubts the ~~~~. Here then is:

SELLERS: The Mount Everest Project! Or:

ORCHESTRA: Ascending chords

SELLERS: The Mount Everest Project!

ORCHESTRA: Beginning of epic-type music

GRAMS: Bagpipes

MILLIGAN: India. ~~~~~~~~~ country, and Mount Everest. The ~~~~ Lord Hairy Seagoon in 1887 made a speech in the House of Lords.

{This scene has echo}

SEAGOON: My Lords, Britain has now reached a peak of ~~~~. We have the world’s largest navy, the world’s largest army and, the world’s finest plums.

OMNES: [Rhubarbs]

SEAGOON: But one thing we have not got on this island…

SELLERS: What is that?

SEAGOON: …is the world’s highest mountain.

OMNES: [Variations of “What?”]

SEAGOON: Yes, yes! Yes, my Lords, it is a bitter realisation. But I intend to rectify this geographical discrepancy.

MILLIGAN: In what manner, my Lord?

SEAGOON: Simple: bring Mount Everest here.

MILLIGAN: Wait! Is the Honourable Lord seriously suggesting that the whole of Mount Everest be brought to England?

SEAGOON: I am.

MILLIGAN: Does the Honourable Member know what he’s talking about?

SEAGOON: I’m not supposed to, I’m a politician. I want to bring Mount Everest here for one reason and one reason only.

MILLIGAN: What is that?

SEAGOON: To make England the tallest country in the world!

OMNES: [Applause and shouts of “huzzah!”]

SEAGOON: Thank you, thank you. By the volume of your applause, I take it we’re all in agreement. Therefore, here to explain this method for moving Mount Everest here is Mister Crun!

CRUN: Aaaaah. Aaaamaaaam…

SEAGOON: Are you ready to answer questions, Mr. Crun?

CRUN: Amaammaa…

MILLIGAN: Mr. Crun, how much will it cost to move this mountain?

ELLINGTON (POSH): Will it go by land or sea?

TIMOTHY: How will the cost be met?

MILLIGAN: Have you a definite plan?

CRUN: Mnk… Yes, I’m ready to answer questions.

SEAGOON: Good. Mr. Crun, how will the mountain be removed from its base?

CRUN: Yes ~~~~~ Well, first, the whole mountain will have to be chopped down. Next, it will be sawn into several twelve and three quarter inch blocks.

SEAGOON: Why twelve and three quarters? Why not thirteen?

CRUN: Because thirteen is an unlucky number.

BANNISTER: Rubbish! Utter rubbish! ~~~~~ Rubbish! Aaaah! Pooooo!

CRUN: Say what you like, but let me assure you, madam, that thirteen is a very, very unlucky number.

BANNISTER: Rubbish! I have thirteen million pounds in the bank. What do you say about that?

CRUN: Marry me, marry me!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic change of scene music

TIMOTHY: Lord Seagoon’s idea was passed and soon an advanced survey party under Major Bloodnok arrived in India to measure the great mountain.

BLOODNOK: Heough, haeiough! Well, Lord Seagoon, this is the Himalayas Range. Which one is Everest?

SEAGOON: It’s the, ah… tall one.

BLOODNOK: Oh.

SEAGOON: Look, it’s been specially marked with a cross.

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, yes, our chief surveyor did that. Here he comes now.

ECCLES: [Comes in singing something dopey]

SEAGOON: Hello, Mister Eccles. I see you’ve marked the mountain with a cross.

ECCLES: Yeah, I write my name everywhere. Ho ho.

BLOODNOK: Now, Eccles, let us get to work, shall we?

ECCLES: OK, OK.

BLOODNOK: Right now, you take this end of the tape measure.

ECCLES: Ahum.

BLOODNOK: Good, yes. Now, run around the mountain and measure the circumference.

ECCLES: OK, here we go. [Goes off singing]

BLOODNOK: [Sings:] Hug me, hold me, kiss me in your arms and…

ECCLES: Hoh, hoh.

BLOODNOK: Aaah! Oh dear, dear, dear. Well…

ECCLES: Three thousand and fifty miles.

BLOODNOK: Wonderful, Eccles. Now we’ll see how tall it is, shall we?

ECCLES: OK.

BLOODNOK: Well, up you go while you’re still fresh.

ECCLES: [Puffed out:] I ah, I hate admitting it, but… I’m tired.

BLOODNOK: Up you go, you malingerer!

ECCLES: OooooK!

SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok, you must me mad. Climb to the top of Mount Everest? No human being can do that!

BLOODNOK: I know, that’s why I sent Eccles.

ECCLES: [From a distance:] Hello, down there! I’ve reached forty thousand feet!

BLOODNOK: Well, you’d better come down a bit!

ECCLES: [From a distance:] Why?

BLOODNOK: It’s only thirty thousand feet high!

ECCLES: [From a distance:] Ooh, oh, thank you, thank you.

BLOODNOK: Incidentally, how far can you see?

ECCLES: [From a distance:] Ooh, it’s a wonderful view. I can see right across ~~~~~ towards America, I can see right across the Pacific, right across Japan, over China, and hey! Guess what I can see in India?

BLOODNOK: What, lad?

ECCLES: [From a distance:] I can see the back of a man standing on top of a mountain! Oooh, hey, it’s me! It’s me! I can see the back of me!

BLOODNOK: I wish we all could. Now, Lord Hairy, while we wait a moment for Mister Crun’s party to arrive, what about having the – ah – Ray Ellington Quartet.

……………………………………
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET – {Cut out}
……………………………………

CRUN: Ellington, I… {Silence}

ELLINGTON: Right!

CRUN: Was that you making all that noise when you should’ve been working?

ELLINGTON: Me? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Ooh, no – no – no – no – no!

CRUN: Don’t be allusive, answer yes or no!

ELLINGTON: No!

CRUN: Ellington, are you telling me white lies?

ELLINGTON: Man, that’s the one kind I couldn’t tell!

CRUN: You’d better dig your frantic gang and start chopping Mount Everest down at once, and put some mattresses down. We don’t want to crash it when it falls.

ELLINGTON: [Goes off:] OK. Come on, you lot! Let’s get chopping…

FX: Wood chopping

OMNES: [Various rhubarbs]

ECCLES: Ooh, ooh, here, here. Hello, Mister Crun.

CRUN: Aaaaaaeeeeeooooouuuggghhhh!!!!!!!! Oh, Eccles. Oh, you, you gave me such a fright.

ECCLES: Fright? But you told me to come over.

CRUN: I know, but just seeing you always gives me such a fright.

ECCLES: Well I, uh, know ~~~~~~~~~you can’t have brains and beauty. I should know; I ain’t got either!

CRUN: Don’t you worry, Eccles. After all, beauty is only skin deep. Underneath it we are all the same.

ECCLES: Ooh. Skin deep? Without my skin, I’d look like Diana Dors! Hoho.

CRUN: Hahahaha! Oh, what a naughty thought! Oh, naughty Eccles! Hoho! Oh, naughty, naughty. That’s enough, Eccles. Put your skin on again.

ECCLES: OK, I was getting a bit silly. Ahum.

SEAGOON: Ah. Mister Crun, before I leave for Government House, could you help me check this list of crated stores?

CRUN: Certainly, Lord Hairy.

SEAGOON: Right. Now in crate number one, we should have the following: six thousand articulated hairless ~~~~~ nightshirts…

CRUN: Yes, yes…

SEAGOON: Ten volumes in Abyssinian on how to use inverted self-propelled Melanesian emergency knife, ~fork~ and spoon, four hundred weights of assorted concrete trombones with trombones attached to the ~~~~~, fifty tins of fortified high altitude senna pod tea with portable thunder sheets.

CRUN: ~~~~~~~~~. Now, what’s in crate number two?

SEAGOON: Crate number three.

CRUN: Well, what’s in crate number three?

SEAGOON: Nothing.

CRUN: What’s the idea of that?

SEAGOON: To make it lighter.

CRUN: Oho, oh jolly good. Now tell me…

ELLINGTON: Hey, look out, you three. Mountain coming down. Stand clear.

OMNES: [Rhubarbs]

ELLINGTON: Tiimbeeer!

GRAMS: Very long crashing of objects

BLOODNOK: Aeough! This way, Ellington, hurry, hurry! Bring your shovel with you. Mister Crun’s been buried alive.

ELLINGTON: Coming, I’m coming!

BLOODNOK: Ellington, dig here, dig in this spot here for him.

ELLINGTON: OK, right, here it goes.

GRAMS: Earth being moved

BLOODNOK: Oh, this is terrible! What a thing to happen to him, and on his birthday too!

ELLINGTON: Er, how old is he?

BLOODNOK: Ninety-eight. Oh.

ELLINGTON: Man, he’s not worth digging up.

BLOODNOK: What? You horrible man, you! You’ve got to dig him up! He’s got my wages in his pocket!

ELLINGTON: Ooh, I got him! In fact, I got all three of them. Now, give me a heave…

OMNES: [Straining noises]

CRUN: Naaaa naa, mnka. Now, what’s in crate number four?

SEAGOON: Oh my head!

CRUN: What’s your head doing in crate number four?

SEAGOON: Oho, I say, look, Mount Everest is down! Mount Everest is down! Huzzah!

OMNES: [More “huzzahs!”]

ELLINGTON: Yes, it sure is.

SEAGOON: Then, Major Bloodnok, it’s up to you now. Get cracking!

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, well, Lord Hairy, in a week, Mount Everest will be packed, ready for shipment to England!

OMNES: [Rejoicing rhubarbs]

ORCHESTRA: English naval music

SEAGOON: But the shipment was delayed. I was called to Government House, New Delhi. When I arrived there, this is what I was told:

OMNES: [Rhubarbs]

TIMOTHY: Lord Hairy, there’s a delegation of foreign gentlemen waiting to see you.

SEAGOON: Oh, heavens, who are they?

TIMOTHY: They refuse to say.

SEAGOON: Tell the Russians I’ll see them.

RUSSIANS: [Come in muttering]

RUSSIAN #1 (MILLIGAN): Lord Hairy Seagoon?

SEAGOON: Yes?

RUSSIAN #1: My government have taken an exception for your removal of Mount Everest.

SEAGOON: On what grounds?

RUSSIAN #2 (SELLERS): We will tell you what grounds! A portion of Mount Everest was in Russia. Therefore Britain has violated the Anglo-Nordic agreement of 1873.

SEAGOON: I’ve never heard of it.

RUSSIAN #2: WHAT? You mean you don’t believe us?

SEAGOON: No, I don’t believe there is any such agreement.

RUSSIAN #2: Oho, there’s gratitude for you, after we spent all the morning forging it! Oho!

RUSSIAN #1: ~~~~~~. English, you’re filthy, uneducated, ill-mannered, ~~~~~, unhealthy, incompetent, ~~~~~, idiotic and unflattering!

SEAGOON: Everyone has their little weaknesses. Mine is my nose.

RUSSIAN #1: Nose?

SEAGOON: Yes. Thompson?

TIMOTHY: Sir?

SEAGOON: Would you take these two gentlemen’s camels outside? I find them a little overpowering.

RUSSIAN #1: Overpowering? Huh, insult!

RUSSIAN #2: Insult!

RUSSIAN #1: Insult!

SEAGOON: Outsult.

RUSSIAN #1: Our camels are clean and white. Everyday in ~~~~. They don’t smell!

RUSSIAN #2: Of course they don’t smell!

RUSSIANS: ~~~~~~~~~~~!

SEAGOON: Oh no!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic change of scene music

SEAGOON: The following day, I returned to Bombay, by which time, Mount Everest had been wrapped in brown paper, and lowered into the hold of HMS Regurgitant. With this precious cargo, we set sail for England!

CRUN: But then, aeough, bad luck. Four days out, we ran into a freak storm.

GRAMS: Thunder and crashing waves

SEAGOON: By gad, Crun! What a storm.

CRUN: Yes, we’re leaking badly!

SEAGOON: Were the holes flooded?

CRUN: I couldn’t tell; they were full of water!

SEAGOON: Bitter luck.

ECCLES: Ooh here here here here! Ooh oh, here here! Lord Seagoon, Lord Seagoon! ~~~~ the cook has just been washed overboard.

SEAGOON: Good heavens. When?

ECCLES: About three days ago.

SEAGOON: Why didn’t you report this before?

ECCLES: I don’t like him, ahum!

SEAGOON: This is terrible! Where… ah, here comes the captain.

BLUEBOTTLE: Ahoy, there! ~~~~~! We’re sinking ~~~~ in the sea ~~~~! ~~~~~ Eccles?

ECCLES: Yeah, captain?

BLUEBOTTLE: Anything that’s not needed, throw over the side!

ECCLES: OK! Hwup!

GRAMS: Splash

BLUEBOTTLE: [From a distance:] You rotten swine, Eccles! Help, heeeeellp! I drown, I die, I sink, farewell! Exits home…

ECCLES: Oh, here here, here! Catch!

BLUEBOTTLE: [From a distance:] Thank you!

SEAGOON: What did you throw him?

ECCLES: His hat; don’t want him to catch cold, hahum.

CRUN: Aaaahm! Seagoon, we’re sinking! Mnk, mnk. Do something!

SEAGOON: Well, there’s only one thing for it. Heave!

OMNES: [Heaving sounds]

GRAMS: Large crash mixed with water splashes

TIMOTHY: And so it happened. Mount Everest was sunk, and to this day, has lain on the bottom of the sea. The question is what did Hillary and Tenzing climb?

SEAGOON: The answer is simple: they climbed the highest space in the world!

TIMOTHY: What do you think? Send your solutions to us on a postcard addressed to Mount Everest Salvage Fund, care of Professor ~Thickide~. Goodnight!

ORCHESTRA: First two bars of “March of the Goons”

CRUN: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Mnk, mnk, mnk, goodnight.

ORCHESTRA: “March of the Goons”, under:

TIMOTHY: That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan…

(CRUN: Yes, yes…)

TIMOTHY: …with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray.

(CRUN: Oh yes.)

TIMOTHY: The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer…

(CRUN: Aaeeiioo!!)

TIMOTHY: …Andrew Timothy, produced by Peter Eton.