The History of Communications Finally, here it is! 4th Series: 18th Episode Recorded: 24th January 1954 Originally Broadcast: 29th January 1954 TLO 42842 Transcript of 26:47 m:s version ~~~ = Parts I can’t understand ---(?) = Words I’m not sure of ______________________________________________________________ {Opening Missing} GREENSLADE: Nevertheless, we shall now proceed to labour the point with: ORCHESTRA: Short fanfare SECOMBE: The History of Communications! SELLERS: Man’s first communication with man was made, naturally enough, through the medium of the human voice. For instance: SECOMBE [TWIT]: Hey, Fred MILLIGAN: Annas [Short pause] SELLERS: But this was only – only practical at close quarters. For long-distance communications, man developed this method: SECOMBE [TWIT]: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY! FRREEEEEEEEEEED! SELLERS: Centuries past, and then: MILLIGAN: HEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOO! SELLERS: The first important method of communication over long distances was the Runner GREENSLADE: The most famous of these messengers was the Greek Goonican, who ran 300 miles to Athens, bringing news of a great victory GRAMS: Running, slows and stops (for 15 sec.) ECCLES: [Puffs]. My lords, greetings. I come from the great warlord, Arnold Princiopolies . 300 leagues have I run! Over the Ionicous, down the plains of Olympus, through the snowy wastes of Sabrina, across the arid deserts of Xerxes and I did swim the boiling waters of the Hellispont and over… SECOMBE: Yes, yes, yes, but the message ECCLES: Ooh. Ooh, then I’ll nip back and get it GREENSLADE: In the nineteenth century, came the innovation of the first penny post, thus, after nearly 2000 years, finally dispensing with the Runner ECCLES: [Out of breath:] About time too SELLERS: The first stamps issued for the penny post were only very weakly needed, and so a new issue was made MILLIGAN: Letter for you, Dave SECOMBE: Thank you. Hey, looks like this new glue is too strong MILLIGAN: Why, boy? SECOMBE: There’s somebody strung underneath the stamp! GREENSLADE: At first, the average Britain did not take to the penny post, as it was very infrequent MIN: Ooooh! Oh dear, dear. I haven’t heard a word since John left CRUN: Why not? MIN: He took my ear-trumpet GREENSLADE: But after time, the post became universal, and deliveries were made to the most outlandish spots SELLERS: Such a place was the lonely Isle of Lurgi, where only one family lived. To reach their house, the postman had to row three miles across the straits of Lurgi, and proceed on mule-back up the rugged mountain side, and finally tramp for eight miles across the plateau, until: FX: Knock on door. Door opens POSTMAN (SECOMBE): Mrs Jones? MRS JONES (SELLERS): Yes? POSTMAN: Nothing for you today! MRS JONES: Thank you GREENSLADE: A few years later came the parcel post and, for the first time, people were able to send appropriate gifts to loved ones far away FX: Knock on door. Door opens MRS SMITH (SELLERS): Yes? POSTMAN: Parcel for you, Mrs Smith, from your son-in-law MRS SMITH: Whom, ‘im? Parcel FX: Door closes. Rattling paper under next line: MRS SMITH: That good-for-nothing. I wonder what he sent me GRAMS: Short explosion GREENSLADE: And, somewhere in London, an unknown man is seated in a tiny workshop. Before him on the table, almost completed, is the greatest invention of them all; the wireless set. He looks up, weary and ~hagged~ as his wife comes in WOMEN (SELLERS): Darling, you’ll kill yourself working like this SECOMBE: I must go on! I must go on! Don’t you understand? WOMEN: What? SECOMBE: I feel I - I feel I’m nearly there WOMEN: Oh SECOMBE: Wireless. That’s what I’ll call it: Wireless! Yes, Wireless! Ohoho. If only I could reveal the secret of the baffled coiled ~baluns~ GREENSLADE: Thousands of miles away, you merely lift up your phone and say: SECOMBE [TWIT]: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY! FRREEEEEEEEEEED! MILLIGAN: HEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOO! ORCHESTRA: ‘Introducing Max Geldray’ link GREENSLADE: Introducing Max Geldray MAX GELDRAY & ORCHESTRA: "Buckets and Spades" GREENSLADE: The Goons have said for some time that these programmes lack colour an… ELLINGTON: Yeah! (BLOODNOK: Aaeeoouugghh!) GREENSLADE: …lack colour and drama. And so tonight we present our idea of how education should be handled on the air, under the title: SELLERS: ~For the Gool!~ ORCHESTRA: Grand intro music GREENSLADE: The subject this week is history. The time: 1884. Place: The Sudan. The story: ‘The Siege of Khartoum’. But, let us hear this stirring tale in the words of that immortal poet and ~tradidian~ William McGoonigal ORCHESTRA: McGoonigal link McGOONIGAL: Oooooooooooooooh, aaa-answer me oh. ‘Twas in the year 1884 and in the month of June, That Major Bloodnok and his gallant men were besieged in Khartoum. Besieged by the Mardi’s savage men, they formed a thin red line, But the Mardi did not care at all, for he was Mardi (mighty)-fine. And when the news reached England, the news of this tragic thing, In parliament Mr Gladstone called an emergency meeting. And ooooooooh… OMNES: [Rhubarbs fading in, under:] GLADSTONE (SECOMBE): Please, please. Please, please! Honourable members, please! OMNES: [Rhubarbs stop] GLADSTONE: Now, are we all here? Conservatives? MP1 (SELLERS): Yes GLADSTONE: Aha. Socialists? MP2 (SELLERS): Aha GLADSTONE: Mmhmm. Lib… Where’s the Liberal Party? MP3 (MILLIGAN): He’ll be back in a minute! GLADSTONE: Oh, right. Now, gentlemen, the position is serious: Australia is being overrun with rabbits. Every year the rabbits increase by millions SELLERS [GAY]: Well they’ve only got themselves to blame! GLADSTONE: Quite, quite, but that does not alter the fact that we must get rid of these rabbits MINNIE: What about poor Major Bloodnok in Khartoum, eh? GLADSTONE: Madam, he is perfectly safe MINNIE: ~~~~~~~ pooh bar(?) GLADSTONE: He is perfectly safe. There are no rabbits in Khartoum MINNIE: I don’t wish to know that GLADSTONE: But Australia is overrun with them! BLUEBOTTLE: I have an idea, my captain! How about separating the males from the females? GLADSTONE: We tried that, but we had thousands of complaints BLUEBOTTLE: Who from? GLADSTONE: The rabbits BLUEBOTTLE: I did not know that rabbits could write GLADSTONE: They can’t. They dictated them to the kangaroos BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh. I see, yeah. Finishes speech, sits down next to lady wearing boxing glove, turns out to be Lady Astor, thank you GLADSTONE: Yes, yes, now, any questions? MINNIE: What about Major Bloodnok in Khartoum? GLADSTONE: Madam, kindly do not waste the time of the house of trivial matters, when we have important matters to discuss MINNIE: Pooh, pooh! [Continues under:] GLADSTONE: Now about these rabbits in Australia, I think we should… ORCHESTRA: McGoonigal link McGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooooooh! Yes, Gladstone spoke of rabbits, while in a distant land, For Bloodnok was surrounded by a savage Arab band. And ooh how the battle did rage… GRAMS: Gunshots and explosions, under: OMNES: [Gibberish Arab calls] BLOODNOK: Aaaaaaaahhh! Aaeeoouugghh! And a dash of soda SECOMBE: At once, sir BLOODNOK: Thank you SECOMBE: Here we are BLOODNOK: What? SECOMBE: How’s the battle going, Major Bloodnok? BLOODNOK: How should I know? I’ve been hiding in this cupboard since it started SECOMBE: I know, sir. Some of the officers are saying you’re a coward BLOODNOK: Which ones? SECOMBE: The ones hiding under the beds BLOODNOK: What, me a coward? You see these medals, lad… SECOMBE: Yes, sir BLOODNOK: You know what I got them for… SECOMBE: No, sir, what? BLOODNOK: Ten bob the lot! I’m no coward SECOMBE: Then why are you hiding in the cupboard, sir? BLOODNOK: Why? Because there’s no room under the bed, that’s why. You can’t say things like that about me – me, Major Bloodnok M.C SECOMBE: M.C? I didn’t know you were an M.C, sir BLOODNOK: Of course I am; listen… ORCHESTRA: Drum roll, followed by symbol crash BLOODNOK: Take your partners for a slow fox trot!! SECOMBE: Congratulations, sir BLOODNOK: Thank you. Raaahh. Blast these mosquitos. Do you hear me? Ahh. Carstairs, blast those mosquitos, blast them SECOMBE: Right, sir GRAMS: Short pause. Explosion! SECOMBE: Mosquitos blasted, sir BLOODNOK: Splendid FX: Door opens BURKE (MILLIGAN): Aeough! Aeough! Whaaha! Aaahh! Major Bloodnok! Aeough, Major Bloodnok! SECOMBE: Great Scots! It’s Captain Burke Snail of the Third Athlete’s Foot BLOODNOK: Burke Snail of the Third Athlete’s Foot? SECOMBE: Yes, sir BLOODNOK: Doesn’t it get in the way? BURKE: ~Silence~, listen, listen, ~~~~~. I’ve run all the way from Fort Alababa… BLOODNOK: You you you, you poor fellow BURKE: Yes I know, sir BLOODNOK: You must be absolutely all in BURKE: I am, sir BLOODNOK: Here lad, drink this BURKE: [Swallows] Thank you, sir SECOMBE: Here, try a leg of this chicken BURKE: [Tut tut tut] Thanks BLOODNOK: Now swill it down with this coffee, lad BURKE: [Out of breath] Thank you, sir. [Four pants] Thank you. [Normal] Well, goodnight, sir BLOODNOK: I say, wait a minute! Haven’t you forgotten something? BURKE: No, sir, I left it under the plate FX: Door closes BLOODNOK: I say, have a look, will you, Carstairs? SECOMBE: Yes, sir. Oh, it’s an envelope and there’s a message in-side BLOODNOK: A message in-side? SECOMBE: Yes, sir BLOODNOK: Curse it and I don’t speak a word of Side GRAMS: Morse code signal, [under:] SERGENT (MILLIGAN): Major, Major Bloodnok, sir! BLOODNOK: Yes, Sergent Docco? SERGENT: There’s a wireless message coming through from England, sir BLOODNOK: Well take it down, man SERGENT: Right, sir SECOMBE: I say, sir, this is marvellous. News from England after all these years BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, at last we’ll know about the relief column GRAMS: Signal stops BLOODNOK: Well, have you got it, Sergent? SERGENT: Yes, sir BLOODNOK: Well read it out, man SERGENT: Right, sir. “Arsenal, 1; Sunderland, 4.” BLOODNOK: Football results? Football results at a time like this? I shall report this to her majesty Queen Victoria SERGENT: Yes, sir BLOODNOK: Signal her, send this message SERGENT: Yes, sir GRAMS: Sped up: Morse code signal, under orchestra ORCHESTRA: English-type link FX: Door opens PALMERSTON (ELLINGTON): Your majesty! QUEEN VICTORIA (SELLERS): Yes, Lord Palmerston? PALMERSTON: This news has just been received from Major Bloodnok QUEEN VICTORIA: Pray read it PALMERSTON: “Arsenal, 9; Sunderland, 14.” QUEEN VICTORIA: Herbert? HERBERT (SECOMBE): Yes, Anna? QUEEN VICTORIA: Check your pools! HERBERT: Yes, Anna QUEEN VICTORIA: Is there anything else, Lord Palmerston? PALMERSTON: Yes, ma’am, this: RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: "Kiss Me Again" / "'S Wonderful" GREENSLADE: That was the Ray Ellington Quartet. The part of Ray Ellington was played by Herbert Wilcox, who is now appearing in ‘Anna Neagle Has Two Heads’. We now continue with our educational documentarty, “The Siege of Khartoum” ORCHESTRA: McGoonigal link McGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooooooooh! But the situation in Khartoum was getting very grave, And was essential to send out a relief force: Bloodnok’s men for to save, And realising that something was very much amiss, Field-Marshal McNaafi called a conference in the Whitehall war of seats. And ooooooooooh… OMNES: [Rhubarbs] McNAAFI (SECOMBE): Now, gentlemen. Now, gentlemen, are all the senior army officers here? OMNES: Yes…[rhubarbs] McNAAFI: Splendid, splendid. [Clears throat]. Now… Lieutenant Churchill, for the last time, put that cigar out CHURCHILL (SELLERS): What? What did you say? McNAAFI: How many times must I tell you? Oh, I see… I see: twice. Now to business: the situation in Khartoum is grave. Bloodnok’s force is completely besieged and we must send out a relief force immediately and I have here the ideal man to lead this force. Mr Crun? FX: Door opens CRUN: Aaaaah. Nga niaaa… [Continues under:] McNAAFI: Now, Mr Crun, would you sit down? MILLIGAN: Yes, take a seat, Mr Crun McNAAFI: Now, Mr Crun, are you familiar with camel transport and desert warfare? MILLIGAN: And the anti-tank precautions of the [marsken telegraphic] gun? McNAAFI: And altering the tactics in deployment of infantry in open and field warfare? MILLIGAN: And close combat? McNAAFI: And infiltrations? CRUN: …I’d rather stand up, thank you McNAAFI: Splendid. Now, any questions? MINNIE: Yeeeessss! McNAAFI: What? MINNIE: What about the rabbits in (Khar…) Australia? McNAAFI: Please, please, madam. MINNIE: I don’t ~~~~ McNAAFI: I don’t wish to know that MINNIE: ~~~~~ McNAAFI: Now, Mr Crun, have you ever worked with the government before? CRUN: Oh yes, yes. You know the royal mint? McNAAFI: Yes CRUN: Well I used to ~draw~ it! Ha ha! McNAAFI: Yes, thank you. [Clears throat]. I see and have you had any experience of life in the tropics? CRUN: Oh yes, yes. I used to be a forestry commissioner in North Africa. I chopped down every tree in the Sahara Forest McNAAFI: You mean the Sahara Desert CRUN: Aah, that’s what they call it now! MILLIGAN: Have you any idea, Mr Crun, what stores you will need for this operation? CRUN: Yes. Here I’ve brought a list of the stores we shall need MILLIGAN: Splendid. Will you care to read them out? CRUN: Yes, I’ll read them out now. Have you got a pencil? MILLIGAN: Yes CRUN: Right. Two thousand pairs of purple creosote bathroom socks with reinforced concrete knees and secret sliding panels... MILLIGAN: Absolutely vital CRUN: One octogenarian fruit dancer; twelve trained Moldavian nut lions... MILLIGAN: Yes CRUN: One slightly soiled film test of Raymond Nevaro... MILLIGAN: A must CRUN: Paul Adams… MILLIGAN: Yes CRUN: One life-size statue of Jane Russell made of jelly, inscribed, "It must be jelly 'cause Jane don’t shake like that." McNAAFI: Mr Crun, you’re a genius! CRUN: I’m a genius... McNAAFI: The relief force sets sail tomorrow! MINNIE: What about the rabbits in Australia? ORCHESTRA: McGoonigal link McGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooooooooh! And sailed they did the next day, now Major Bloodnok had no fears, For Crun was marching to the rescue with the third filth-muck Whitechapel fusiliers! GRAMS: Marching through sand OMNES: [Singing] ‘We’re soldiers of the Queen, my lad…’ McNAAFI: Mr Crun! Mr Crun, cease and begorrah! Will you listen to me for a minute?! CRUN: What is it Circleovsky? McNAAFI: We’re approaching a big river! CRUN: Approaching a river? McNAAFI: Yes! You’d better give the order to halt CRUN: Yes, alright, just a minute... Company... Nya... Company... GRAMS: Series of splashes CRUN: ...Halt! Company, tread water! ORCHESTRA: McGoonigal link McGOONIGAL: Ooooooooooooooooooh! And meanwhile in Khartoum, the siege went on because, Major Bloodnok fought like a tiger, like the true British officer he was BLOODNOK: [Snoring] FX: Knocks on door BLOODNOK: Marilyn Monroe, come back to me, dear. Where are you? Where are you gone? FX: Further knocks on door BLOODNOK: What what what what? Who is it, who is it? ECCLES: [Dopey singing] It’s me! BLOODNOK: And who are you? ECCLES: Um... I’m the intelligence officer. I’ve got a message for the Major BLOODNOK: A message? Aeough. Well, slide it under the door ECCLES: OK, but it ‘aint going to be easy BLOODNOK: Why not? ECCLES: It’s in my head BLOODNOK: Oh. Oh alright then, come in FX: Door opens and closes ECCLES: Right, here it is BLOODNOK: Now let me have a look at it. Ah... “Enemy shelling increasing”? Ooh I don’t think this old fort is going to stand much more shelling ECCLES: You’re dead right. Look at those nasty cracks on the wall BLOODNOK: Carstairs? SECOMBE: Sir? BLOODNOK: Who wrote those nasty cracks on the wall?! SECOMBE: I did, sir BLOODNOK: You did? Well rub them off at once! SECOMBE: Oh BLOODNOK: Now we must find out whether the... whether the Mardi intends to attack or not. Have you found out anything from the Arabs in the town here? SECOMBE: Well sir, last night I questioned the chief’s daughter for four hours BLOODNOK: Did she talk? SECOMBE: I hope not BLOODNOK: A lot of use that was. Eccles, I hope you did better? ECCLES: Ooh yeah, I questioned her for twenty-five hours BLOODNOK: What? So you know her as well! ECCLES: I was having a good time. You know what she said? BLOODNOK: What? ECCLES: She said I bring out the maternal instincts in her BLOODNOK: The maternal instincts? ECCLES: Yeah, I remind her of her mother BLOODNOK: Eccles, you’re a stupid, ignorant idiot ECCLES: Well I say this BLOODNOK: What? ECCLES: Well I don’t say much, but what I do say don’t make sense BLOODNOK: Take him away SECOMBE: Major, Major, we might be able to get some news on the wireless BLOODNOK: Splendid idea. Where’s my batman? Ellington! FX: Door opens ELLINGTON: Yes, Major? SECOMBE: This is your batman, sir? BLOODNOK: Yes. Why? SECOMBE: But, he’s not English BLOODNOK: Not English? Of course he is. I say, Ellington, you are English, aren’t you? ELLINGTON: No, Major BLOODNOK: Then what are you? ELLINGTON: I’m a white Russian BLOODNOK: Well you certainly had me fooled, I don’t mind telling you ELLINGTON: Last round BLOODNOK: Last round? Why? ELLINGTON: It’s closing time BLOODNOK: In that case, I shall... FX: Door opens MARDI (SECOMBE): Haahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! BLOODNOK: Who... Who are you, sir? MARDI: Me, I am the Mardi himself. Bloodnok, your time has come and remember, I am a profit BLOODNOK: You’re a dead loss MARDI: I challenge you to a duel. Dawn the pistol BLOODNOK: What? Neither swords nor pistols. I am an Englishman, sir and I choose the weapons of my country MARDI: Name them BLOODNOK: Conkers MARDI: Conkers? I, the great Mardi, would never defend that level of fighting with Conkers BLOODNOK: You refuse? MARDI: Yes BLOODNOK: You coward, you! Mardi, we must settle this like men. I ask you to step outside MARDI: Right FX: Door closes BLOODNOK: Quick, now he’s outside, bolt the door ECCLES: OK BLOODNOK: Phew. That got rid of him. Ha ha. Ooh, I’d love to get my hands on one of those Arabs SECOMBE: Which one, sir? BLOODNOK: Chief's daughter, she’s a smashing bit of... SECOMBE: Bloodnok, how can you think of women in times of danger? BLOODNOK: You find out yourself, it took me years of study. Ooh, I don’t care what I say. Now it’s time that this relief column was getting near OMNES: Hooray!! BLOODNOK: What’s all that? ECCLES: It’s the relief column. We’re savéd. BLOODNOK: What? Let’s get outside! FX: Door opens and closes OMNES: Hooray!! FRED NURKE: Alright, lads! Settle down, lads. Quiet ~~~ and stand to attention. Mr Crun, the leader of the relieving troops has brought us a special message from Her Majesty the Queen OMNES: Hooray!! FRED NURKE: Quiet, then. Silence for Mr Crun, who will now read the message CRUN: Nya. "Arsenal, one; Sunderland, four"! OMNES: Hooray!! ORCHESTRA: ‘March of the Goons’ GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer: Wallace Greenslade, the programme was produced by Peter Eton