S04E25 The Silent Bugler From a copy 28.5 min long GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service. Any questions? ECCLES: Nope. GREENSLADE: Very well then, we present secret agents Sellers, Secombe and Milligan in ... SECOMBE: The Goon Show (Maniacal laugh) ... ORCHESTRA: Long dramatic, menacing, intro GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen today, in the American Senate, Senator Vanderschmidt said ... VANDERSCHMIDT: What is more the house of Un-American activities ... (r-and-r hern noises) ... wide screen multicolour (hern gibberish) the Russian attack on East Acton (hern gibberish) GREENSLADE: He continued by saying ... VANDERSCHMIDT: Quark GREENSLADE: Which concluded his speech. Then on March the 3rd in our House of Commons at four o'clock, the Prime Minister said ... PM: Tea up lads. Down with Billy Cotton. ORCHESTRA: Link GREENSLADE: These everyday exchanges in our political circles are made known to us all by the daily newspapers. But what of the secret services? MILLIGAN: Yes what of them. Unknown to us the secret services of the striving powers in constant battle. Move and counter-move, plot and counter-plot. Sellers: We give you now the story of only one minute fragment in this mosaic of political intrigue. Take the case of Agent X 2 (fades) SEAGOON: I am X2. My mission started when I was called to HQ MI5. I'd hardly got on board the train for London when I had the uneasy feeling I was being watched ... FX: Train apartment door slides open, sound of train in motion (continues under:) COLLECTOR: All tickets, please. SEAGOON: Tickets? Oh, haha, oh yes, haha, there we are, haha hmm hmm COLLECTOR: Here. This is a platform ticket. SEAGOON: That's right, I always travel by platform COLLECTOR: Come on now, where's your ticket? SEAGOON: /Of course, just joking. There. COLLECTOR: Here, this is from Piccalilli to Green Park SEAGOON: Yes I know, it's a very easy journey, I often make it. COLLECTOR: He sir, don't mess me about, I only want your ticket SEAGOON: My ticket, of course, my ticket, you shall have it lad. There, there you are. COLLECTOR: About time too. 'ear, wait a minute this was issued in 1902. SEAGOON: Yes, running late aren't we. COLLECTOR: But its for the, for the Brighton London stagecoach. SEAGOON: Well, well, well. COLLECTOR: This ain't a stagecoach. SEAGOON: You mean this train isn't horse-drawn? COLLECTOR: Nah. SEAGOON: I demand my money back. You charlatan. You blind fool you. COLLECTOR: Just a minute. You can't lumber me with all that clever talk. You got to pay for your ticket. Now where did you get on? SEAGOON: [aside] Curse! The game's up. [Aloud] Well now, what was that last station? COLLECTOR: Thun (???) Station. SEAGOON: That's it. That's where I got on. COLLECTOR: But we didn't stop there. SEAGOON: You think it was easy? COLLECTOR: No, now then where ya going to? SEAGOON: The next station. COLLECTOR: Oh, that'll be eighteen an' thripence. SEAGOON: Right ... FX: Clink on coins being counted out SEAGOON: ... here we are COLLECTOR: Thank you FX: Train noises, carriage door slid closed SEAGOON: Fool. Little does he know that the real fare is not eighteen and thrupence, but thirty-two and six COLLECTOR: Little does he know that I'm nothing to do with the railway. SEAGOON: Curses! Thus I arrived at HQ MI5. FX: Door opens 'M': [Upper class twit] Ah, come in X2. SEAGOON: Thank you sir. 'M': Now, X2, you know what we want you for. SEAGOON: No 'M': Oh don't go away. We'll think of something. Ah, yes, X2, have you ever been to Russia? SEAGOON: No 'M': Hmmm, ever been to Moscow? SEAGOON: Yes 'M': That'll do. Colonel Headstone, will you'd better explain to this lad? HEADSTONE: Well, X2, we have reason to believe that the Russians have perfected a time machine. With it they could go forward into the future; once there they'd build planes that would travel faster than the speed of light. They've got to be stopped from doing that. You're the man for the job. SEAGOON: You can stand by me to rely on you. HEADSTONE: Thank you. Now a few particulars. Are you married? SEAGOON: No Sir. HEADSTONE: Understandable. I would go on this mission myself, but for one thing. SEAGOON: What sir? HEADSTONE: It's too darned dangerous. SEAGOON: You mean I might get killed? HEADSTONE: With a little bit of luck. 'M': A, haha, colonel is joking, Now X2, follow me. SEAGOON: Right. FX: Door opens 'M': Now then, Mr Crun? CRUN: Yes? 'M': This is X2. Fx: Door? 'M': Mr Crun would you gen him up on the Ruski intelligence ? CRUN: mnh, mng, mng Now X2, what... SEAGOON: Captain Hairy Seagoon at your service. CRUN: Captain Seagoon at your hairy service. Now, here is a photo of the Russian master spy, Igor Blimey. He's escaped from every prison in Europe. SEAGOON: But sir! There's nothing on this photograph. CRUN: Oh! He's escaped again! Never mind, next here is the most naked man in Russia. SEAGOON: Who? CRUN: Charley Chester SEAGOON: They too are poor wretches. CRUN: Yes they do, but, arrghh, now the most deadly agent of them all. They call him the Silent Bugler. SEAGOON: The Silent Bugler? CRUN: Yes, nobody has ever seen him. But here is a rare record of him. Listen. FX: Record goes on - no sound, only surface noise. SEAGOON: I can't hear anything. CRUN: That's him! That's him. The Silent Bugler. If ever you hear anything like that, look out. SEAGOON: With that warning ringing in my nose, I spent the next three days and two weeks training under Major Bloodnok. BLOODNOK: Arrghh, eorgghh, ooh dear, arggghh. You and me arrg, and if you like muuuooorrggghh. SEAGOON: You can stand by me to rely (???) on you. BLOODNOK: Thank you. Now lad, training. SEAGOON: They tell me that during the last war you were taken prisoner. BLOODNOK: Yes, but I escaped. SEAGOON: Where from? BLOODNOK: Dart moor. Now first, disguises. Here, black your face with this burnt cork. That's it lad, now, now put on this straw hat. Yes wonderful. Now take this banjo. There now you look marvellous. SEAGOON: Do you think it will fool the Russians? BLOODNOK: Russians? You idiot, you'll never fool them with that lot, get it all off. Good job you came to me. SEAGOON: You can stand by me to (???) by you. BLOODNOK: stand too thudd thudd (???). The Russians you say, well, well, well. In that case, you, you, you must appear inconspicuous. I have the very outfit. Stand by to check. SEAGOON: Right. BLOODNOK: One scarlet beard with detachable bell. SEAGOON: Yes. BLOODNOK: One pair of reversible plastic socks, easily convertible into dog cardigan. SEAGOON: Brilliant. BLOODNOK: One rubber dagger. SEAGOON: What's the use of a rubber dagger? BLOODNOK: We won't want to shed blood needlessly lad. SEAGOON: Good. quick ~~~ ~~~ Bloodnok. (Scottish???) BLOODNOK: Now, finance. Three thousand lire in rupees, payable in pesetas at any Mongolian bank whilst wearing tennis shoes in a thunderstorm. SEAGOON: You've thought of everything. BLOODNOK: Next the sensitivity test. I just blindfold you. Now then, have it on there, around the eyes. Now you can't see a thing can you? SEAGOON: No. BLOODNOK: I want you to tell me what I'm doing. Right? SEAGOON: Thud (???). BLOODNOK: Good. SEAGOON: Er, you're taking my gold ring off my finger. BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, yes. SEAGOON: Now, you're removing my gold watch. And my fountains pen from my pocket. BLOODNOK: Oh, wonderful, keep it up. SEAGOON: Now you're taking my wallet. Huh, you, you've taken my money belt Bloodnok: Good lad. Keep going. FX: Door opened SEAGOON: Ah, No, I can't feel you doing anything now. No I ... FX: Phone rings SEAGOON: Hello French phone operator: Your call from Paris, you're through. SEAGOON: Right. Hello? Bloodnok: Hello Secombe, the lessons over lad. GREENSLADE: End of The Silent Bugler, Part One. At the organ Max Geldray. MAX GELDRAY and ORCHESTRA GREENSLADE: The Silent Bugler, Part Two. Milligan: But first, for listeners who have just tuned in, here is a rapid synopsis. GRAMS: (??) Rapid garbled talking Milligan: Now read on. SEAGOON: Before my departure for Russia, I took one final test. 'M': Here Secombe, we want you to identify objects that will be held up in rapid succession by the sergeant here. SEAGOON: You can stand by me (garbled) 'M': Sergeant Eccles, do your duty. ECCLES: OK. Now the first object I hold up is this. What's this? SEAGOON: Ummm, a banana! ECCLES: Good, good, good, good, good. All good, now then, what's this? SEAGOON: Ahhh, pencil. ECCLES: Good. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Good. Now then, the last one, [grunting and straining] what's this, what's this I'm holding up? SEAGOON: Er, let me see now, um ... ECCLES: (straining) Come on, look at, look at the shape. SEAGOON: Ah, it's umm... ECCLES: Come on, you know it, you know it SEAGOON: No, um, I'm not sure, I've seen one before Fx: Creaking noises as of something about to give way. ECCLES: You've seen one of these ~~~ ~~~ FX: sound like a falling tree pause FX: knock on door. Door opened. SEAGOON: Oh, you're back. ECCLES: (panting) Yah SEAGOON: Well, what was it? ECCLES: An elephant. SEAGOON: Ah, of course, I should have guessed. ECCLES: Then why didn't you. I was holding the elephant ~~~~ 'M': Eccles shun! ECCLES: Ok. 'M': Just one more small test SEAGOON: You can stand by me to rely on me. 'M': Give us your right hand. Eccles, call the arms expert. ECCLES: Ok kay. Bluuuebottle. BLUEBOTTLE: I heard you call my Eccles, I heard you call me. Pauses for audience applause, no a sausage. Continues act, strikes Stan Eddy (???) Pose. SEAGOON: I understand you have a secret weapon for me. BLUEBOTTLE: I have it, I have. Unscrews false kneecaps, takes out secret gun. Am in agony, as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. Love (???), hayhayhay. Still hurts, though. SEAGOON: What is this remarkable weapon? BLUEBOTTLE: It's my back-shot pistol. My back-shot pistol it is. SEAGOON: You mean, whoever fires this pistol gets killed himself? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. you just give it to an enemy, he aims at you, and he gets deaded himself. SEAGOON: Brilliant. How's it work? BLUEBOTTLE: I'll show you. You show I show you. I just point the gun at you, then I pull the trigger and - ah hah! No, no, no! You point it at me, and you pull the trigger. SEAGOON: I see, thanks, yes. I point it at you like this. BLUEBOTTLE: No, no, no! Do not point it at me, point it at yourself SEAGOON: But you said ... BLUEBOTTLE: Be careful FX Gunshot. BLUEBOTTLE: (pause) [Screams] Oh, you rotten swine you. You have deaded me, oh you. You have shotted me. You have punctured my guaranteed Flash Gordon bullet proof space vest, with cardboard lapels. Price one and nine at all good chemists. Oh, oh, argh, dies. Exists left to register for next years radio awards. GREENSLADE: The Silent Bugler, Part Three. SELLERS: In a dark car with a hat pulled well over its eyes, Secombe was next driven to a submerged airport. FX: Plane on tarmac, engine running. SEAGOON: Once there I was given a spoon full of air-linktus (???) for my nerves, which I had unfortunately brought with me. GREENSLADE: [Announcing through bull horn] Will passengers with a disguised M15 tickets for mystery flight X to undisclosed destination, please inflate their false wigs and crawl as inconspicuously as possible to the isolated black plane standing in the shadow of the barbed wire. Thank you. OFFICIAL: (Ellington) Mystery flight X, this way, please. Passports, please. All passports please. Name sir? BLOODNOK: Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster. OFFICIAL: Right, next. ECCLES: Umm, I'm umm, woof, woof. official: Next. French: Madam Fie Fie la Bom Bom, male impressionist OFFICIAL: Good luck, next. woman: Sir Arthur Rock Hampton. Official: Right, mam, next woman: Little does he know that I am not Sir Arthur Rock Hampton, but his only son Prunella. ECCLES: Little does he know that I am not woof woof, but two other dogs of a different breed. BLOODNOK: Little do they know that I am not as I said, Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster, but Miss Gladys Murgatroyd, bachelor. OFFICIAL: And, ah, you, sir? SEAGOON: I am X22, or Captain Hairy Seagoon. Secret British agent. OFFICIAL: Ha ha ha! SEAGOON: Plainly he didn't believe me. OFFICIAL: Close the doors and fasten your safety belts, please. MINNIE: Everybody take your seats. All belts to be fastened. Come on, Captain Seagoon, you must fasten your belt now. SEAGOON: Why? MINNIE: Your trousers are coming down. CRUN: Is everybody in Minnie? MINNIE: Yes Henry. CRUN: Put the hat out, and start taking the money. FX: Click of coins. MINNIE: Fare please. SEAGOON: Thrupenny please CRUN: I'm at the controls Minnie. Hold fast. Contract (sic) ELLINGTON: Contract. CRUN: Give it the gun, Ellington. ELLINGTON: Hold tight FX: Plane taking off RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET (Lover come back to me) SEAGOON: By now I was deep in enemy territory. Very very deep. I was dropped without a parachute. But all the other occupants of the plane were also dropped. I was suspicious (~~~ ???) as the secret police all around me. Walking along the Fredstrasse in Berlin, I was halted by two men heavily disguised as Englishmen. Good Morgun (German accent) I said. And they replied ... BLOODNOK: Ach Marlin Diretritch, Achtung, presstoungue, spitfirin, Rommel, gasuntiete. SEAGOON: Curse, he speaks Russian fluently. I must reply. (clear throat) Si si signor (aside) Poor Russian fool, little does he know that I'm not really a German but I speak the language fluently. BLOODNOK: Poor German fool, little does he know that I'm not a poor Russian fool, but Major Bloodnok, a poor English fool, nay, idiot. ECCLES: Pardon mein herr, Ich habe eine guten tag . Little do they know that I'm saying I'm having a good time in German. FX: A bell chimes SEAGOON: Ten to one, I must open my sealed orders at once. BLOODNOK: Ten to one, I must open my sealed orders at once. ECCLES: Ten to one, ditto, ditto, ditto, at once. FX: Slicing open envelopes, all three singing to themselves SEAGOON: Now, what do my orders say? The man standing before you is Major Bloodnok. BLOODNOK: What do mine say? The man standing before you is Captain Seagoon, who has just been informed who you are. ECCLES: See what mine say. Mix two eggs, add sugar ... hear! I've picked up the wrong envelope. I've got Philip Harbens ~~~ hoho. SEAGOON: Bloodnok? BLOODNOK: Secombe? ECCLES: Philip Harben? BLOODNOK: Shhhh. We must disperse, we'll meet here when the clock strikes one. SEAGOON: Right. When it strikes one. FX: Single chime. SEAGOON: Hello Bloodnok! BLOODNOK: Ah Secombe how are you? ECCLES: Hello fellas BLOODNOK: You're late, where have you been ECCLES: I was held up ~~~ ... FX: Phone rings. BLOODNOK: Don't answer that phone! It's ringing in Russian! SEAGOON: What? Well I'll put on this false beard. (grunts with effort) There. Now. Hello? Who's speaking? GREENSLADE: (on phone) If you take that darn silly beard off, I'll tell you. Now listen, this is HQ M15. Orders. Orders are these, find the Silent Bugler, he knows where the time machine is. His location the Dresden Opera House. SEAGOON: Right. GREENSLADE: (on phone) Any questions? SEAGOON: yes. GREENSLADE: what? SEAGOON: Goodbye. GREENSLADE: Thank you. SEAGOON: Men, the Dresden Opera House, hurry. FX: whoosh, whoosh. BLOODNOK: Ah, here we are - Today's symphony concert featuring, what's this? - Relgub Tnelis Eht? SEAGOON: Gad, that spells The Silent Bugler backwards. Inside! FX: Whoosh. SEAGOON: Ahh, here's an empty box. BLOODNOK: And we're just in time to miss the first sixty movements. SEAGOON: Just look at the orchestra. They must over a hundred and fifty ECCLES: Oh, they look much younger. SEAGOON: Shhhh, shhhh GRAMS: Opening of 'Unfinished Symphony' SEAGOON: I wonder which one is the Silent Bugler. pause (silence) BLOODNOK: That's him. GRAMS: continues BLOODNOK: Curse, he's stopped playing. SEAGOON: I didn't hear him. BLOODNOK: Well, listen ... pause (silence) BLOODNOK: ... there he is now. SEAGOON: Where, where? GRAMS: continues BLOODNOK: Blast, he's gone again. SEAGOON: What was that? GRAMS: skips and repeats SEAGOON: The music seemed to repeat. BLOODNOK: I didn't notice anything, and I know my Wagner backwards. SEAGOON: But they're not playing it backwards. BLOODNOK: Ahh, that accounts for it. SEAGOON: Good heavens, the whole orchestra are phonies. They're miming to a gramophone record! GRAMS: Music fades out BLOODNOK: Then the Silent Bugler ... SEAGOON: He doesn't exist - it must be all a bluff. BLOODNOK: You mean ... SEAGOON: He doesn't exist - it must be all a bluff. BLOODNOK: I thought that's what you meant. SEAGOON: The whole orchestra are secret Russian agents. We must get out of here immediately. ECCLES: Yeh, (garble) but how we going to find the time machine? SEAGOON: We must split up and search under the theatre. ECCLES: Ok. Lets go. BLOODNOK: Wait a minute. wait a minute. ECCLES: What's that? SEAGOON: How do I know you're not the enemy agents? Prove your identity. BLOODNOK: Very well, my card. Major Dennis Bloodnok. SEAGOON: My card, Captain Hairy Seagoon. ECCLES: And here's my card! BLOODNOK: Good heavens, the two of clubs. SEAGOON: Pontoons only. GREENSLADE: For listeners who have been asleep, of whome I am one, here is a short résumé of what's gone before : SELLERS: Helen Lovejoy, beautiful heiress to the Halibut millions has been jilted at the altar by Villion de Paprikon, the illegitimate son of Louis the X one V. Peter, Villion's Eton boating friend has heard this, but being in Tibet has embarrassed Mary. Mary his fiance, who being the only cousin of Sir Raymond Ellington has passed the title on to Baron Geldray, also heir to the Halibut millions. Now read on ... GREENSLADE: Meantime in a disused underground boot stewing factory, two Russian agents are talking. Ivan Itchybonce and Valimier Shotitoff. RUSS1: ~~~~ ~~~~ .... ~~~~ (pseudo Russian) RUSS2: (Geldray in Dutch) Maar ja, als ze nou maar eens even een keertje zouden ophouden dan, want als ze niet ophouden dan word ik natuurlijk gek (*1) ELLINGTON: Yeh! GREENSLADE: And so, as you have heard, they were well aware of the British agents threat to steal their time machine and were laying a trap. BLOODNOK: Has he finished? ECCLES: Yah, yah BLOODNOK: Good, good, Now, for listeners without television, we are alone under the theatre, and you are about to speak. ECCLES: Me? Oh yeah, ok. Ooooh BLOODNOK: What lad? ECCLES: Look! The time machine. BLOODNOK: What luck, quick put the bomb inside. ECCLES: Ok. FX: Lifting metal lid ECCLES: All done BLOODNOK: Good, good. Now then, any idiot who opens that lid is a gonner. ECCLES: Yep, yep. BLOODNOK: Are you sure it's going to work alright? ECCLES: I'll just try it FX: Lifting of metal, explosion ECCLES: Ok. BLOODNOK: Come on. What are you looking for? ECCLES: My Legs. Oh here they are, ok. FX: Door opens SEAGOON: Hands up! Bloodnok, Eccles, what are you doing here? BLOODNOK: We've just destroyed the time machine SEAGOON: Fools, I have the time machine, that was a fake. I put it there to fool the Ruskies. The real machine is next door. Shhhh. Someone's coming! ECCLES: Ohhh Seagoon: Ahh too late. FX: Door opened RUSSIAN: Hands up SEAGOON: Quick, through this door FX: Door opened, Door closed SEAGOON: Ah, safe BLOODNOK: No we're not, someone's coming. Quick FX: Door opened, Door closed SEAGOON: Through here FX: Door opened, Door closed BLOODNOK: And here SEAGOON: And here FX: Door closed SEAGOON: This way FX: Door closed FX: Door closed SEAGOON: Ah, just one more FX: Door closed BLOODNOK: Taxi FX: Squeal of tyres BLOODNOK: Right, everybody in FX: Car doors opened and closed Eccles, BLOODNOK: (busy noises) FX: Diesel motor running, backfires, groinch of gears, klaxon horn, motor fades into distance FX: Running feet SEAGOON: Quick, into this river lads ECCLES: ~~ coat off BLOODNOK: Arggghh Eccles, Bloodnok, SEAGOON: (cold) Ohhhh (yabbering) FX: Splashes BLOODNOK: Now then onto these horses FX: Jangle of reins, galloping hooves ECCLES: Nice horsey gidup, whoa, steady now ... BLOODNOK: Right, dismount SEAGOON: Quick, into this racing car FX: Car takes off at speed, fades into distance FX: Car racing to a stop, doors slam BLOODNOK: Stopp! SEAGOON: We're safe ECCLES: We got away from him Russian: So! You have come back ECCLES: No! Russian: Hands up, down, up, down, up down SEAGOON: What's all this for Russian: We believe in keeping our prisoners fit. You fools, you did not get our time machine, that was just a disguise. And now for you it is the end. SEAGOON: Quick, Bloodnok, Eccles, into the time-machine. Quickly. Russian: Please, do you mind if I get out. SEAGOON: Oh, I'm sorry. FX: Lid closed Russian: Well, what now. SEAGOON: Isn't it obvious, we have but one avenue of escape. We must go forward in time. BLOODNOK: Ohh SEAGOON: Here are the controls, stand by FX: Motor spinning up SEAGOON: That's it, haha, now we're off, Now all we need to do is sit tight and we'll find ourselves in ~~~ (garbled sped up type noises) GREENSLADE: And so, since our friends are speeding into the future, we have to abandon this edition of the goon show. Those who would like to hear how it ended, listen again on March 15th 1984. ORCHESTRA: GREENSLADE: That was The Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: Playout ============== Notes: 1) Translated: "But yes, if only they would stop for a while, because if they don't stop, then of course I could go mad." Even here Max proves that acting is not his favourite job. He makes a mistake in the middle of the sentence where he uses the word "dan" (then) and quickly corrects himself using the correct Dutch word "want" (because). Not that it matters, Ellington's answer is "YES!", as he does not understand one iota anyway - John Koster, 7th Jan 2004.