From: chipper@ihug.co.nz Subject: HERE IT IS!!! THE SCRIPT OF THE BOOK OF THE FILM OF THE TRAM!!! THE STARLINGS!!!! Date: 1998/03/24 Message-ID: <6f7153$14a$1@newsource.ihug.co.nz> Organization: The Internet Group Ltd Mime-Version: 1.0 Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons THE GOON SHOW “The Starlings” A One-off Show, broadcast on 31st August, 1934 Andrew Timothy: Ladies and Gentlemen, we present a radio programme in english. From time to time, actors will be heard. The author has fled the country! GRAMS: HORROR CHORDS! Andrew Timothy:(over above) 1954. A world overshadowed by doubts, fears and uncertainty! Of Indochina, the Suez, Cyprus, East and West German strife, the ‘H’-bomb explosion, and yet to come, the unbelieveable power of the Cobolt bomb! But our own governors are not unaware of these dangers. At this moment the House of Commons are debating serious matters. Elderly Statesman 1 (Spike): Starlings! ES 2: (Harry): They’re ruining St Martins! ES 3: (Peter): There are....mgg....far too many starlings in Trafalgar Square! ES 1: Then we must...we must get rid of these disgusting creatures! ES 3: Well said! ES 2: Hear hear! (Ad lib agreement) Minnie Bannister: Let’s all have some tea. Grams: APPLAUSE Andrew: Yes, Parliament was aroused. On the terrace of the House of Commons during the tea-break, back-benchers gave voice to their feelings. GRAMS: HUGE CROWD SINGING THE LAST FEW BARS OF ‘LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY’, FOLLOWED BY MASSIVE APPLAUSE. Andrew: The inventive genius of the country was called upon, and for three years the starlings were attacked with a series of frightening devices. Peter: Stuffed owls. Harry: Wriggling rubber snakes. Spike: High frequency sound beams. Peter: Little round things that went ‘knip-knip-knip’. Bloodnok: Rice pudding fired from catapults. Andrew: Recording of a female starling in trouble. Flowerdew: Recording of a female starling not in trouble. Spike: Trained cats. Bloodnok: Rice pudding fired from catapults, Mk 2. Ned: Flashing lights and chinese crackers. Spike: Large things dropped from a great height, and vice versa. Bloodnok: Failing that, rice pudding fired from catapults. Andrew: For some inexplicable reason, all these devices failed. The starlings remained. Peter: (sad)The inventors were filled with remorse and in sackcloth they marched the streets. GRAMS: FUNERAL TREAD, WAILING, THE DEATH MARCH, ETC. Andrew: At the same time, at the Ministry of Grit, Filth and Exportable Heads, the secretary, Mr Ned Bladdock, was handed a vital bird statistic. GRAMS: SLOW TYPEWRITER. Ned: Are you sure this thing is correct? Throat: Yes. Ned: Have you checked? Throat: Yes. Ned: You mean there are thirty million starlings roosting in Trafalgar Square? Throat: Yes. Ned: Thank you Miss Purge. Throat: Right. Ned: (to self) Thirty million starlings! (calls) Mr Thinn!? GRAMS: BOOTS APPROACH AT THE RUSH Thin (over above, approaching and snivvling): Yes....yes sir....coming sir!...(arrives, grovelling) Did you so much as call me sir? Ned: Ah yes, Mr Thin. Call a meeting of all the people we keep specially for meetings. GRAMS: TWITTERY FANFARE. Ned: (addressing) Gentlemen; I have called this meeting to declare war on the starlings in London! GRAMS: NUREMBURG RALLY, ‘ZIEG HEIL’ CHANT. Ned: Thank you! The question is how to get rid of them? Bloodnok: What about rice pudding fired from catapults?! Ned: No, no, no, we’ve had that! Bloodnok: Have we? Oh! I say, look here. I remember an episode during the First World War for lasting peace, I remember after a heavy artilliary barrage, there were no signs of birds for months after! If we could draw up two hundred regiments of artillery in Trafalgar Square, and let off a non-stop barrage for a month, I’m sure.... Ned: No, no, no Major,....wait a moment.... Bloodnok: What? Ned: You’ve given me an idea! Bloodnok: I have? Ned: Yes! It all boils down to making a noise, doesn’t it? Just a noise. Bloodnok: Yes, yes. Ned: Now if we could get volunteers just to kick up a noise, THEN... Bloodnok: Gad, you’re right! Perfect! I’ll ask Feild Marshal Cleanitall to let us have three brigades of Guards in Trafalgar Square at dawn on Monday! GRAMS: FADE IN HUGE ARMY MARCHING INTO POSITION; VARIOUS SERGEANT MAJORS COMMANDING VARIOUS PLATOONS AT RANDOM... Bloodnok: What a magnificent sight! Cringingnut (Andrew): Good morning, er, Major Bloodnok? Bloodnok: The same! Cringingnut: I’m Mr Cringingnut of the Morning Plight. Bloodnok: Ah yes, you’re one of the observers, arn’t you? Cringingnut: That’s right. Bloodnok: Well, I’ll tell you briefly what has happened. The whole of the square mile around Trafalgar Square has been cordoned off. Cringingnut: Is it now a curfew area? Bloodnok: Yes, only curfews are allowed in! All these squads marching in here are to kick up a din. And in so doing you see, they drive the starlings away. Cringingnut: What does the noise-making equipment consist of? Bloodnok: Sergent Spinewaker? Spinewaker (Ned): Sir? Bloodnok: Explain the noise equipment to this gentleman would you? Spinewaker: Sir! All men entering the interior are handed one of the following Hitems; iron bathtub with beater, football rattle, whistle, tin can, dustbin lid, bagpipes, dinner gongs, kettledrums, thundersheets, and various other noise making gear, for the uses of! Cringingnut: Thank you. Bloodnok: Ah, I see that Lance-Colonel Sockclencher is going to address the men now. Sockclencher (Harry) (far away and through megaphone): Men, at ease chaps. Now, I am going to put you in the picture. In a short time, we will be commencing the noise, for the uses of. So lets have a little practice first, eh? Right. Now first, let’s hear from the dustbin lids. FX: MANY DUSTBIN LIDS BEING POUNDED. Sockclencher: Right, thank you. Now, whistles and rattles. FX: WHISTLES AND RATTLES BEING USED. Sockclencher: Good show whistles and rattles. Thank you. That’s enough. I know you all like music! But there will be time enough for that in a few moments. Now take your positions as according to our information, the starlings are due in ten seconds from now. So lets have complete silence. (pause) Andrew: (In character) Gad Carruthers, action at last! Spike: Yes, well, it had to come. GRAMS: VERY SLOW FADE IN STARLINGS FLYING IN. Sockclencher: Right men, noise - COMMENCE! FX: HUGE CACOPHONY OF NOISE. CONTINUES UNDER... Andrew: Diary of ‘Operation Cacophony’. Harry: March 7, third week of operation. Starlings undisturbed. But two-thirds of Guards brigades now stone deaf! Spike: April 1, still no effect on starlings. All rather annoying, really. Peter: December 1st, very cold. Noisemakers were augmented by the bagpipes of the highland brigade. Starlings still unperterbed. But population of London dropped 10,000 overnight! GRAMS: NOISE JOINED BY BAGPIPES.... Andrew: December 3rd, deep snow. Starlings sleeping peacefully. Noise continues. Feild Marshal Clunk sends the brigades a Christmas Greeting. He receives in turn a Christmas Pudding with a rather disturbing message. And then.....! GRAMS: DIFFERENT HORROR CHORDS. Andrew: February 32nd, all troops withdrawn. Operation Cacophony abandoned. Peter: (sad) A military disaster. All those responsible, clad in sackcloth, once more, walked the streets... GRAMS: FUNERAL TREAD, WAILING, THE DEATH MARCH, ETC. AS BEFORE. FADE OUT. FADE IN PARLIAMENT IN UPROAR. Ned: Members! Mr Prime Minister, members; I admit that Operation Cacophony cost 160,000 pounds, and was a complete and utter failure. But these little mistakes will happen! Elder Statesman (Peter): You made a muck of it! Ned: Honourable members, it is not an absolute failure! I mean,...that is to say....though the starlings were not driven from Trafalgar Square, they were...er....well,...rearranged! Min: (distant) Rubbish! Rubbish! Bloodnok: You should have used rice pudding fired from catapults! Ned: Nonsense! Andrew: I suggest that the honourable member apply for the Chiltern Hundreds! Ned: I refuse to get in that que! In any case I have already taken steps to insure that the starlings are removed from London! I have - this day - inserted an advertisement in the papers asking for suggestions that will rid us of this pest! Churchill: (Peter) Well, we’ll give you one more chance! Now then lads, who’s for a quick round of pontoon? OMNES: Hear, hear! (ad lib) (applause, fading slowly.) FX: SLOW TYPEWRITER AS BEFORE. DOOR OPENS. Ned: Good morning Miss Purge! Working late again? Throat: Yes! Ned: Good girl. (chuckle) Any replies to the advert in the papers? Throat: Yes, this bloke ‘ere’s been waitin’ for you! Ned: Oh? Bluebottle: Ehhe, I have been waiting to speak to you, Mr (various funny sounding names)! Ned: Er...Mr Bladdock’s the name! Bluebottle: Yes, that’s it! I knew it was something like.... Ned: Please! Please! Will you....er...come in please? Bluebottle: Thank you! FX: DOOR CLOSES Ned: Now then, Mr...er... Bluebottle: My name is Jim Bluebottle Tigernuts. It is an unusual name. Ned: Yes....er....I suppose it is! Still, a rose by any other name, you know. Bluebottle: No, I do not know any other roses by any other name. Ned: Cigarette? Bluebottle: I do not smoke. Too expensive. Ned: It’s no expense to the ministry. I shall have you one rolled within the hour! Bluebottle: No thank you! Ned: Right. Now, to business. What is your invention? Bluebottle: It is an artificial explodable bird-lime. Ned: What a fascinating start! Continue! Bluebottle: Thank you. Well, I have managed to compound a mixture that looks exactly like bird-lime. Now, this bird-lime can be put down anywhere there are starlings. Then simply by pressing a remote control button, all the birds and the bird-lime can be exploded! Ned: Good heavens! Bluebottle: Yes, it is all done by sound-waves. Ned: You really mean it would drive the starlings away? Bluebottle: Yes! Ned: (to self) Gad! In England’s darkest hour, one always appears! First Cromwell, then, Fred Clute, and now.....you! (aloud) Now, Mr Tigernut, do you have the formula for this artificial explodable bird-lime? Bluebottle: Yes, I have! Ned: Good. Let me have it, and I’ll get the Woolwich Arsenal to make it up. (fade) This little invention of yours will save the day! (pause) FX: FADE IN BUBBLING. Ned: Well, gentlemen of the force; there it is, 40,000 liquid tons of artificially explodable bird-lime! Andrew: Wonderful! Spike: Absolutely marvelous! Ned: Not too close, gentlemen - Ah-ahh! Mind you don’t fall in! Spike: Terribly sorry. Churchill: (Peter) It looks like the real thing! Ned: It has to! These starlings must not suspect for a moment that it is not! After all, they know the real thing! ES: When will it be ready Ned: As soon as we can cool it down! Spike: And how is it exploded? Ned: By the simple pressing of a button! And it is common law for all cutting of tapes or pressing of buttons must be carried out with due ceremony...as it will be in this case. Cringingnut: Can I quote you on that? Ned: You can quote me as saying it, but no more! Cringingnut: What will be the date of the ceremony? Ned: (considers) Ah...three weeks from now! The BBC are covering the occasion. Cringingnut: They would! FX: BUBBLING FADES OUT. Andrew: (announcing) This is London. And now it’s time for our special outside broadcast from Trafalgar Square. Today the great experiment, Operation Explodable Bird-l...er...Bird Mixture is about to commence. For the first part of our broadcast, let us go over to Brian Ginstone. FX: FADE IN CROWD NOISE BEHIND... Ginstone: (Andrew) Hello listeners, Brian Ginstone here, and I am speaking from the roof of St Barges; the roof of St Barges, where for the past week workmen have been spreading the artificial explodable bird mixture. So to tell us a little about it, lets have a word with the foreman. Pardon me sir? Foreman (Mate-Peter): Eh? Ginstone: I’m from the BBC... Foreman: I’ll punch you in the flippin’ ear’ole! Ginstone: (trys to laugh it off) Well, I wonder sir, if you’d like to say a few words to the listeners. Foreman: Don’t they get enough chat from you lot? Ginstone: Well tell me, how long have you been putting the mixture around the ledges of the buildings? Foreman: Oh...ah...about ten days, on and orf. Ginstone: What do you mean exactly, ‘on and off’? Foreman: Well, some of us keep fallin’ orf! Ginstone: (laughs) What...er...what jolly fun. Now tell us, you’ve been working on this job for ten days or more; what do YOU think of the idea and its chances? Foreman: Well y’ know, I...er... Ginstone: (quickly) Thank you. Now as the workmen take down the last of the scaffolding, I see that the ceremony in the square below us is about to begin, so over to Richard Dingleby. FX: CROWD FADES OUT - PAUSE - CROWD FADES BACK IN, DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. Richard Digleby (Dimbleby-Peter) And here, in the great Square of Trafalgar, which, as we all know, takes its name from the great underground railway that runs directly beneath its ancient flagstones, here, all is in readiness for the great explodable bird mixture inauguration. To my right raises the great wooden oak platform, from which this solemn ceremony will be perfumed. The entire square is a great mass of banners, banners from the great Society of Pest Control all waiting to see the result of this experiment. FX: SIREN SOUNDS, NEAR DISTANCE Digleby: Yes, there goes the great siren telling us that all the workmen are clear of the buildings. That is to say, St Martins, the National Gallery, Africa House, and all the other buildings which have been treated with this wonderful explodable bird mixture. FX: MARCHING APPROACHING Dingleby: And now to my right, the right side of the square, I can see the bright scarlet and pink tunics of the Royal College of Heralds as they march majestically up to the base of the great platform. They are of course waiting to sound the traditional fanfare ‘Tedium Vitae’, which will announce the arrival of Dutchess Winnifred Boildespudswell, the well-known human being. FX: APPLAUSE Dingleby: And, as I speak, I see the third battalion of the first Regal Household Cavalry; so-called because every member is a house-holder, and...yes, there they go, their great white plumed swords snorting at the rein, and thigh, and littered with dust as they pass the base of Nelson’s great column. That column so nobly erected here in 1672 to commemorate Lord Nelson’s victory at Balaclava, over the combined Egyptian and Turkish cavalry. FX: CHEERING GROWS... Dingleby: And those cheers are for the leader of the Household Troop, as he dips the Union Jack, the national flag of the Union of Jack. FX: TWITTERY FANFARE AS BEFORE Dingleby: That great fanfare announces the arrival of the great television coach bearing the Duchess by arrangement with Richard Winnick and Mark Ludeman. FX: PRESENT ARMS Dingleby: The guard of the Tondaquanny Chokadahs presents arms, and we all stand to attention for the anthem of the great Bird Pest Control! GRAMS: NONDESCRIPT MARCH, PLAYED RATHER AMATURISHY. Dingleby: What a lovely tune that is! From the pen of the Marcher of the Artistic Rolls. And now, yes, now here comes the Duchess of Boildespudswell followed by the venerable city fathers, mothers, sisters, brother-in-laws, and all the other great traditional hangers-on! Now the Duchess approaches the great charcoal and leather staircase that leads up to the rostrum, and at the same time, leads down again. She mounts the great steps, her great cape of knot and weavel squaddling across the anchent flanges of the hide of St Luke. FX: FANFARE Dimbleby: And with that the heralds sound the ‘Thirk’ voluntary, the voluntary so well beloved by the Swahili Dust Group of Westminster. And now she reaches the great gold-and-bronze microphone to make her declaration. But first the master of the rolls and leather goods pledges his allegiance. Also the quanta de norum. So let us listen to it. The master (distant, through poor PA system) My lords, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me (microphone cuts out) great pleasure (mic cuts back in again, continues ad lib behind...) Dingleby (over above) He appears to be having trouble with the great microphone of state; the same great microphone used ever since 1672 - hand-beaten and foot-slapped gold and silver surmounted by two burmese cherubs, and fashioned by the great sculpter Ben Venuto Seleni, and his brother Fred. Oh, and now, I see the great engineer of state, with the great state screwdriver, adjusting the mace-screws on the great microphone. Engineer: (blows once or twice) Hello, testing testing, 1,2,3,4,5, testing - yeah, seems all right now. (blows twice) yeah, it’s all right. The master: My Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, pray silence for the Duchess Boildespudswell, Dame of the Umpire, and at present appearing in television’s ‘That’s Your Lot’, ‘Where’s Your Bonce?’, ‘What’s Up Now?’, Who’s Your Dad?’, ‘Why Have You Come?’, and other edifying panel games. She appears by permission of the makers of ‘Footo, the Wonder Boot Exploder’. Dingleby: With that great dignified ringing across the great square, she steps up to the great microphone... Duchess: (Sounding very like the Queen- Peter) Ladies and Gentlemen, it is (mic cuts out and in again) ...sure that I have (cutout again)...day to give my... Technition: (blows again once or twice) Hello, hello, testing, 1,2,3,4, there, it’s all right girl! Duchess: Ladies and Gentlemen, It is my privilage as patron to name this experiment, ‘Operation Explodable Bird Mixture’ and may all who stand on it perish! Dingleby: She steps forward, to press the great button...she presses it....and so for the final result, over to Brian Ginstone on top of the National Gallery. FX: VARIOUS EXPLOSIONS, SLOWLY DRAWING NEARER... Ginstone: And all around the cornices of St Martins, the bird mixture is exploding, and the starlings are being driven away, and I..... FX: HUGE EXPLOSION RIGHT NEXT TO THE MIC; SCREAMS AND YELLS FROM PANIC-STRICKEN CROWD BELOW. CARRYS ON UNDER.... Dingleby: Oh...er.....Oh dear,....I don’t quite know...what has happened....(fades self out) FX: AMBULANCE BELLS MIX IN WITH CROWD. WHOLE FADES OUT...FADE IN PARLIAMENT IN UPROAR (AGAIN!) Churchill: (trying to calm them down) Lads! Lads! Please lads, quiet now. Let us have a fair hearing. Now, Mr Bladdock? Ned: Mr Prime Minister, honourable members; I fear that the explodable bird-lime was a mite too powerful. But fear not! St Martins will be rebuilt! ES: But the starlings will only roost in it again! Ned: If they do, well, we’ll blow it up again! Naturally we would rebuild again, but, if the starlings still persist in roosting there, we’ll have no compunction but to blow it up yet again! We’ll see who gets tired first! Min: But think of the expense! Ned: No fears there; I have it on good authority that our financial position is far in excess of the starlings! Min: Huzzah! Ned: Yes, in any case, I have a new invention to deal with the pests! Churchill: What? Ned: Rice Puddings, fired from Catapults! FX: SHOT Ned: Ahhhhororrrhhh! (dies) ES: Good shot sir! Churchill: Right lads, now then, how about a nice cup of tea? OMNES: HEAR HEAR! (applause) FADE OUT. FADE IN STARLINGS CALLING UNDER... Andrew: That was ‘The Starlings’, that was; by Spike Milligan. All parts were played by Peter Sellars, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. Other pests were played by the starlings themselves. Technical production by Harry Green and Barry Wilson. I am the announcer; Andrew Timothy’s the name. And I’m asked to say that any resemblance to a Goon Show is due to the laxity of the producer, Peter Eton. Goodnight. GRAMS: PLEASANT ENDING THEME. -- Steve Dale; From the film of the book of the tram of the same name. (Sings) Rule Britannia; Britannia rules the waves...... FX: SHOT, SCREAM! Neddie: Let that be a lesson to him, folks!!! Eccles: Oooooh!