Series 5, Episode 1, Broadcast 28 September 1954 The Whistling Spy Enigma Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service GRAMS: BOOS, WHISTLES Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, back from the dead, we present half an hour of continuous radio fighting, in both corners - The Goons! ORCHESTRA: CIRCUS RING MUSIC GRAMS: BOOS, WHISTLES Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Mr. Greenslade? FX: CHAINS BEING DRAGGED ALONG THE FLOOR Wallace: (weak voice) Yes, Master? Harry: Tell the masses, Mr. Greenslade, what we have in store Wallace: Yes, master. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goons and myself after successful season of unemployment, return to the air for a long series of 1 Eccles: Ooooh! Wallace: They commence with a mystery play, packed from end to end with mediocrity, under the title of - Throat: The Whistling Spy Enigma ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORD Peter: (American) The crimes you are about to hear have all been specially committed for this programme. Here to tell you a story with the aid of smoke-glass ear-trumpet and reconditioned head is Captain Hairy Seagoon GRAMS: FRANTIC AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS Neddy: Stop! (stops immediately) I remember when it all started. At the time I was asleep in my electrified elephant hammock, when through the pigeon hole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something strapped to it's leg - it was the postman. Spike: A letter for youuuuuuu Neddy: Thank you Spike: Yes Neddy: Hurriedly I tore open the letter. Inside was an envelope, with a message that said - Spike: (high voice) Report at once to MI5 Neddy: The letter was written in a disguised voice. Hurriedly strapping on a fresh pigeon I flew out of the window GRAMS: BIRD WINGS FLAPPING ORCHESTRA: HARP PLAYS MYSTIC EFFECT FX: FOUR RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR Grytpype: Come in FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED Neddy: Captain Hairy Seagoon reporting for duty as instructed, sir. I'm ready to die for the flag, bleed for my country, suffer great sufferings, (dramatically) and all for England. Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Pull up a chair. Neddy: Thank you. (Aside) So this was the fabulous lance-brigadier Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. I drew up a chair and placed it at the table next to him. Gad, how cunningly he was disguised! Stark naked, save for a souester, string lunettes and a pair of identical plimsolls. Grytpype: Now, Captain Seagoon Neddy: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes? Grytpype: Please don't do that. Captain, you have been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission Neddy: Does this mean I've been specially selected for a specially dangerous mission? Grytpype: So you guessed, ey? Seagoon, you are to make your way to Hungary via Budapest Neddy: Will I have to go abroad? Grytpype: If all else fails, yes. It's dangerous work Neddy: I suppose I'll have to take risks? Grytpype: Oh yes, and a small pot of tea Neddy: What does this mean? Grytpype: It means you've been chosen to go abroad with a packet of Risks and a small pot of tea Neddy: For what reason? Grytpype: Reason? Does there have to be a reason? Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po Grytpype: Very well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll tell you. Pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you Grytpype: During the last 18 months you may have noticed that throughout the civilised world, in America, British prestige has fallen very low. Yes? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: And do you know why? Neddy: Yes. I don't know why Grytpype: I'll tell you. Pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you Grytpype: One thing killed Britain, and that was our defeat by the Hungarian football team Neddy: Yes Grytpype: I fear those Magyars did for us, lad. Before they play us again we must make absolutely sure they don't win Neddy: Does this mean sabotage? Grytpype: You may well ask that Neddy: I did ask it, Will Grytpype: I suppose you did. Pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you Grytpype: This is Operation Explodable Boot. You will make your way to Budapest. There you will contact our British agent X Neddy: X? How do you spell it? Grytpype: Eeeeeeeex Neddy: Thank you. How do I contact him? Grytpype: By whistling a highly skilled mysterious secret tune. The moment he hears it he'll hand you a sealed envelope, heavily sealed. Neddy: But the secret tune? Grytpype: It goes like this: (whistles the Hungarian Rhapsody) Neddy: Wait! That's the Hungarian Rhapsody. What's secret about that? Grytpype: Fool! Didn't you notice? I was whistling it in English Neddy: I know, but there are thousands of Hungarians who can whistle in English fluently Grytpype: How dare they! Neddy: In any case, I can't whistle Grytpype: Curses. We shall have to think about this. Pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you Wallace: Ladies and Gentlemen, while Captain Seagoon and the brigadier are thinking, we, the BBC, would like to entertain you with a smile and a song from that well-known tenor Webster Snobcule Snobcule: (Spike) Thank you, Ricky Fulton. (Clears his throat) I should like to commence my programme with a song that is rapidly climbing to the top of the House guard's parade. That lovely melody that I have just recorded from my latest film, which is now showing north of the river, and is called "I shine for you alone" by Butoir. Cyril, can I have my music please? ORCHESTRA: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING Spike: I shineeeeeeee - Grytpype: I've got it, Seagoon, I've got it FX: TELEPHONE RINGS AND DOOR OPENS Spike: Speaks incoherently, ends in "Sir?" Grytpype: Odium Spike: Yuuuus? Grytpype: Send in our highly skilled mysterious whistling espionage agent Spike: speaks incoherently again Grytpype: Oh thank you FX: DOOR SHUTS Neddy: You mean you'll send a man with me that can do all my highly skilled mysterious secret whistling? Grytpype: Exactly FX: DOOR OPENS Grytpype: Ah, Seagoon, this is him, the man who can remember a tune no matter how complicated Neddy: How do you do? Eccles: I'm fine, fine. Yup, I'm fine, fine. Yup, and you? Neddy: I'm very well thank you (laughs uncomfortably) Eccles: Uh hum. Uh hum. Yup, yup. Fine. Yup. How's your old dad? Neddy: My old dad? Eccles: Yup. How's your old dad? Neddy: My old dad's very well, to be sure (laughs uncomfortably) Eccles: Good. Good, good, good, good. My old dad's okay too, you know? Yup, yup. My old dad's fine, he's fine. Yup, he's okay. My old dad's okay Neddy: Yes, yes. I'm sure he is (clears his throat) Eccles: Yup. Your old dad's okay, and my old dad's okay. They're both okay. both our old dads are okay. They're both okay. Aren't they? Neddy: Yes. Brigadier, this man doesn't look very intelligent Eccles: I heard that, I heard that. Let me tell you, it aint looks that count, it's what you got up here that matters? Neddy: And what have you got up there? Eccles: Nothing. (laughs at his own joke) How's your old dad? Neddy: I don't see what my dad's health has got to do with you (Eccles and Neddy argue as they walk away from the microphone) Grytpype: Max Geldray? Pull up a chair MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA Neddy and Eccles: still arguing Grytpype: Gentlemen, please. Please. I've just been on the phonograph to HQ. You are to collect a new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune direct from our own highly skilled mysterious piano composer. Eccles knows him well Neddy: How far is it? Eccles: Oooh, 63 miles Neddy: Let's go GRAMS: TWO WHOOSHES Eccles: (panting) This is the house. I shall now give the secret knock, that only he and I know FX: THREE KNOCKS ON WOOD, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR Eccles: That's him FX: TWO KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, THREE KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, ONE KNOCK, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, FOUR KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, FIVE KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, KNOCKS DA-DA-DADA-DA, DA-DA REPLY ON OTHER SIDE Henry: Who is it, ey? Who is it? Neddy: Open this door at once or we break it down, so Heaven help me as I live and breathe Henry: How ever did you get a name like that? Neddy: I have influence Eccles: Open up, Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles Henry: Oh Eccles, it's me, Mr. Crun Eccles: Oh Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles Henry: Oh, Mr. Eccles Eccles: Yeah Henry: Well well well Neddy: You idiots! Eccles: We're idiots, yeah Neddy: Mr, Crun, sir, open this door at once Henry: I can't, it's locked, and the key's lost Neddy: Curse, the door's locked Henry: Try the window that's open Neddy: Right FX: TRIES TO OPEN A LOCKED WOODEN WINDOW FRAME Neddy: Oh curse! The window's locked as well Henry: It's open Neddy: It's locked. Come out and see for yourself Henry: I will FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT Henry: Now, let me try it FX: TRIES TO OPEN A LOCKED WOODEN WINDOW FRAME Henry: (struggles) You're right, you know, the window is locked. What a state of affairs, the window and the door Eccles: Oh, I'll go inside and open it Neddy: Bravo! Eccles: Okay FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT Eccles: (from inside) Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good, the window's locked from the inside as well Neddy: There's a fine how do you do! Henry: Where? Neddy: Are you sure you can't find the key to the door? Henry: My dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself Neddy: Right. Lead on FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT Henry: Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door Neddy: Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out FX: THREE KNOCKS ON DOOR Henry: Who's there? Eccles: It's me, Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl in through it Henry: We can't come out, the door's locked and we've lost the key Eccles: Oooh, can I come in and help look for it? FX: DOOR OPENED Henry: Of course, come in FX: DOOR SHUT Eccles: Thank you. Henry: Now let me see. Aughhh! Eureka! Symphamedalis! I found it! It was in my pocket all the time Neddy: Good show. FX: KEY BEING TURNED IN LOCK Henry: Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in FX: DOOR OPENED Henry: Good heavens! All that trouble for nothing! Neddy: Why? Henry: There's nobody out here Neddy: The fools must have got impatient and run away Henry: Well, never mind about them, what about you? You've come for the new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune, haven't you? Neddy: Exactly. You must teach it to Eccles Henry: Good, good. Now Eccles, have you ever heard this tune before? Eccles: No Henry: What do you men "no", I haven't sung it yet?! Eccles: Oooh, so that's why I haven't heard it (laughs) Henry: Now listen Eccles: Yup Henry: whistles the secret tune Henry: Got that Eccles? Eccles: How did that go again? Henry: repeats same secret tune FX: POP Henry: Did you see where they went? Eccles: What? Henry: My teeth! GRAMS: SIREN, THEN BAGPIPES, THEN EXPLOSION, THEN CLUCKING CHICKEN Henry: Answer that phone! Neddy: Hello? Yes, right. Crun, we've got to find Hungary at once Henry: But I haven't taught Eccles the tune! Neddy: You'll have to come with us Henry: Ummm, (shouting) Minnie! Minnie: (at a distance) unintelligible mm's Henry: Minnie! Minnie: What is it Henry? Henry: I'm going to Hungary, Minnie Minnie: I'll leave your dinner in the oven Henry: Minnie! Neddy: Come, men, to horse, giddup FX: HORSE HOOVES RUNNING (HENRY CRYING, NEDDY SHOUTING AS THEY GO) Henry: Captain, Captain Seagoon! Neddy: What? What, what what? Henry: Tell me, is it very far to Hungary? Neddy: Yes Henry: Then why do we keep galloping round and round this blasted room? Neddy: I'm waiting for someone to open the door Neddy: Ellington! Ray: Yes! Neddy and Henry: Open the door! MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND QUARTET SING "ABC WITH RHYTHM AND EASE" ORCHESTRA: DICK BARTON SUSPENSE THEME TUNE Peter: (dramatically) The Whistling Spy Enigma, part Two. Seagoon and party are on their way to Hungary to contact the British agent there by whistling the highly mysterious secret tune (whistles rapidly). Once there they are to sabotage the Hungarian football team. Seagoon's first contact was to be the British Ambassador ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME TUNE Major: Arrr, ooh, thud me fneficks and fetch my fungs, and other time filling in phrases Neddy: Major Dennis Bloodnok? Major: The same. Who are you sir? (Secret whistle whistled). Very interesting, but who the blazes are you? Neddy: My card Major: It's blank Neddy: I know, I'm keeping my identity a secret. But I'll tell you my name Major: Glad to hear it Captain Seagoon, pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you. Yes, it's been quite a journey. It's no fun hiding under a third class railway seat Major: You've been hiding under a - The disgrace! You know very well we British only hide under first class seats Neddy: Yes, but I was trying to save money Major: I understand. Pull up a chair Neddy: Thank you. Major, I have been shadowed here by the Hungarian highly skilled mysterious secret anti-whistling police Major: Horror of horrors! Neddy: Yes, I'd like to spend the week here if possible. What do you say? Major: Twelve and six a day, food extra Neddy: Your charging me, an Englishman, to stay at the British Embassy? Major: It's the holiday season. They charge twice as much in Blackpool Neddy: I'm not here on holiday, I'm here on a dangerous mission Major: You mean you might get killed? Neddy: Yes Major: Oh well, that's different. Well, under the circumstances, I must ask for the rent in advance Neddy: I've never been so insulted in all my life! Major: Come now, with a face like that? You must have been! Neddy: By St. George, you drive me hard, sir, I'll knock you down, I'll - shhhh! FX: FOOTSTEPS COMING UP STAIRS Neddy: Can you hear those highly skilled mysterious footsteps coming up the highly skilled mysterious stairs? Major: No Neddy: Neither can I Major: Well we'd better start hearing them soon or it'll be too late Neddy: Your absolutely right. It must be a highly skilled mysterious enemy! Major: Of course. The moment he enters the room strike him down with something Neddy: Right. Hand me that piano Major: That's no good, it's out of tune Neddy: Curse, never mind. Hand me that 600 foot factory chimney in the corner Major: No, no, not that, it's my last one! Don't touch! (hear secret whistling tune) Neddy: Shh, shh. The highly skilled whistling tune. It must be the noble Eccles Major: Hoozah! FX: DOOR BEING OPENED ABRUPTLY Moriarty: Ah, Captain Seagoon. Hands up! Major: Oooh! Moriarty: Who are you? Major: Mother Brown Moriarty: Knees up Major: Graze me trundles, its Vion De La Prickon Moriarty ne Smith, head of that dreaded highly skilled mysterious anti-whistling Hungarian counter espionage agents Moriarty: Well said Major: Thank you Moriarty: Now, what is the highly secret mysterious whistling tune? I must know! Neddy: I won't tell Moriarty: Ahhh, I warn you! I will count up to a highly skilled 40,000 and then I'll shoot Neddy: 40,000? Moriarty: Yes, I've to go home for my gun Neddy: (aside) When I saw that he was a dwarf I was all for attacking him straight away, but Bloodnok stopped me Major: No, wait 'til he gets older Neddy: Finally, on his ninety-third birthday, we sprang GRAMS: STRUGGLE, CAST SHOUTS AS WELL Neddy: Stop! (stops immediately, Neddy pants) Right, let's go GRAMS: STRUGGLE RESUMES Snobcule: (over struggle) Ladies and gentlemen, while Major Bloodnok and Captain Seagoon are so valiantly fighting for their country, I would like to sing that beautiful song, "I Shine For You Alone", can I have my music please? ORCHESTRA: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING Snobcule: I shineeee for you aloneeee, And my arms - (FX: SHOT) Ahhh! Neddy: (still over struggle) Finally we battled with Moriarty, but in the darkness we grappled for 3 hours, oooh FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Neddy: Stop! (struggle stops immediately) Hello? Moriarty: (on other end) Seagoon? Neddy: Yes? Moriarty: Moriarty. I just thought I'd tell you I've been home for the last two hours (phone put down). Neddy: What? Then who's this we've been battering on the bonce? Eccles: I've been wondering when you were going to ask that Neddy: Eccles, my poor, poor Eccles Eccles: How do you recognise me? Neddy: Who else wears a reconditioned head? Eccles: I've been looking everywhere for you. For the last ten days I've been up the main street whistling the secret tune Neddy: Any contacts? Eccles: Yeah, two ladies took me home (laughs) Neddy: Time's running out, I wonder who the secret highly skilled mysterious British agent is. Try whistling it once more. Eccles: Okay. (whistle secret tune) Neddy: Shh. Shh What luck! There's someone answering the call. Peter: (Jewish businessman, Louis) You the one who's been doing all the whistling? Eccles: Yeah Peter: For Lord's sake turn it up, we're trying to get some kip upstairs Neddy: Blast! Where the devil can the the highly skilled British agent be? (silence) Where can the mysterious British agent be? (coughs, then shouts) Where can the mysterious deaf British agent - Bluebottle: I heard you call, my highly skilled mysterious cap-i-tain. Sorry I didn't hear you first time, but my Dan Dare super cut-out cardboard radio receiver failed at a crucial moment. Moves upstage, strikes heroic pose, unstrikes it when trousers fall down. Hee-Hee. Your turn Neddy: Tell me, who are you, you dirty-nosed Goon? Eccles: Well I'm Eccles, I told you that - Neddy: Not you! You! Bluebottle: I am secret agent Bluebottle. Strikes mystery pose in army surplus night-shirt covered in egg stains. See, I will now show my naudic features. Whips off false beard, false ear 'oles and dirty big cardboard nose. OlŽ! Neddy: But you look exactly the same without them! Bluebottle: I know, I was disguised as myself. Hee-Hee. I have made a little jokells. Hee-Hee. Waits for audience applause, not a sausage. Neddy: Tell me, little stringy chinless agent, what are the secret orders? Bluebottle: You are to follow me to the football stadium. There we are to insert the dreaded dynamite into the football boots of every Hungarian player. And, when they kick the ball, aieeee-hey-hey Neddy: Aieeee-hey-hey. So that's the plan. Right, lead on. Peter, Spike and Harry sing with Orchestra: Give me some men, some stout hearted men, who will fight FX: DOOR OPENED VIOLENTLY Neddy: In here, lads. This is their changing room. Now, those must be their boots. Now, insert the dynamite in the toecaps Bluebottle: Right, here Eccles. Hold these three red sticks of dynamite Eccles: Wait a moment, one of these is a stick of Blackpool Rock Bluebottle: Oooh! Are you sure, Eccles? Eccles: Of course I'm sure. Just a minute. (tastes it, swallows) GRAMS: EXPLOSION Eccles: Of course I could be wrong Bluebottle: Hee-Hee. look at Old Eccles. He has blown all his toothy pegs out of his mouth. Hee-Hee. What a funny! Hee-Hee - GRAMS: EXPLOSION Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you, Eccles. You rotten swine, you! While I was laughing you dropped a stick of dynamite down my trousers! Oh, I'm expos-ed. Expos-ed to the elements. Aiiigh! Moves left, places scout hat over shattered area, continues with the play. Neddy: Are you both all right? Eccles: Yup! Neddy: Curse! Ah, never mind. I've fixed their boots. Now, back to the embassy GRAMS: TWO WHOOSHES FX: DOOR BEING SHUT Neddy: Ah, Bloodnok. Switch on the radio, quick. Major: Right, the match has just started Eccles: Goodie goodie goodie GRAMS: FOOTBALL CROWD ATMOSPHERE Peter: (BBC Announcer voice) And the teams are just coming on to the field now, Hungary versus England. Neddy: Ha-Ha. This is the end of the Hungarians, lads! Peter: The match was nearly called off because the British team forgot their football boots, but the Hungarians sportingly gave them theirs. Neddy and Eccles: No, No! Stop the match! Stop! No! ORCHESTRA: START THEME TUNE, BUT - Bluebottle: Noooo! Stop it! Stop the tune! I say, is that the end of the game? Neddy: Yes, you little shattered unit Bluebottle: Ooh, that was a rotten game! I don't like playing that game! Eccles, Neddy and Eccles argue, ends with Bluebottle "I'll get you for that at playtime Eccles!" ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Scott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: ENDS THEME, THEN PLAYS OUT WITH QUARTET AND MAX GELDRAY