THE PHANTOM HEAD SHAVER

(of Brighton)

First broadcast on October 15, 1954

Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

The Main Characters

Mrs Prunella Dirt	Peter Sellers
Mr Nugent Dirt	Harry Secombe
Moriarty	Spike Milligan
Usher	Ray Ellington
Judge Schnorrer	Peter Sellers
Windermere Ropesock, Q.C.	Spike Milligan
Willium (the window cleaner)	Peter Sellers
Hairy Seagoon, Q. C.	Harry Secombe
Throat	Spike Milligan
Mr Henry Crun	Peter Sellers
Miss Minnie Bannister	Spike Milligan
Bluebottle	Peter Sellers
Eccles	Spike Milligan
Major Denis Bloodnok	Peter Sellers

During the hot summer of 1898 Mr and Mrs Nugent Dirt were just one of many honeymoon couples enjoying the bracing air of Brighton. Then, one torrid night, like a bolt from the blue the Phantom Head Shaver struck, and Mr Dirt woke up - bald! Prunella, his wife, summoned him for concealing his baldness during courtship, and the great Q.C., Hairy Seagoon, was briefed for the defence. No sooner had he arrived on the scene than the dreaded Phantom struck again! This time the victim was Mr Seagoon. As the court case dragged on, the Head Shaver struck again and again - fifty times - until Brighton became a city of terror. The Military flung a cordon round the district, leaving only one exit at Haywards Heath, and it was there, in a lonely railwayman's hut, that the fearless Hairy Seagoon finally came to grips with the dreaded 'Shaver' ...

BILL

This is the BBC Home Service.

F.X.

PENNY IN MUG.

BILL

Thank you. Tonight's broadcast comes to you from an Arab Stench-Recuperating Centre in Stoke Poges. The play is considered unsuitable for people.

HARRY

Mr. Greenslade refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.

ORCHESTRA

'WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT' VERY FAST. RAZZ MA TAZZ.

HARRY

Ah, what a composer that Fred Wagner was. Now, tonight, the Goons - with the aid of a calibrated Turkish boot lathe and a portable volcano net - will re-enact a drama of crime. Mr. Greenslade?

BILL

Yes, sir?

HARRY

Tell the eager masses what we have in store for them.

BILL

Rubbish.

HARRY

Thank you. Yes, it's rubbish -but to make it more interesting we call it-

F.X.

RAZOR STROPPING (VALET AUTO STROP).

PETER

'The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton'.

ORCHESTRA

DRAMATIC THEME

SPIKE

(vicar) It started in Brighton - 1898 - the year of the great Edison Bell.

HARRY

Yes - I often heard it ringing in the night.

F.X.

BIG BEN PLAYED VERY FAST MIXED WITH ANY ODD SOUNDS THAT GO WITH IT.

HARRY

Midnight o'clock and a half quarter - six and seven-eighths or thereabouts! Sleeping peacefully in the Hotel Fred are the delightful young newlyweds Nugent and Mrs. Dirt.

SPIKE

(vicar) Suddenly! In their room -

MRS DIRT

(old gal) OoooooOO! HeIPPPPPPPPPPP! HELPPPPPPPPPP! Oh! Look at his bonce! Ohhh!

NUGENT DIRT

(Bogg) Prunella, are you awake, dearest heart?

MRS DIRT

Get away from me with that dirty big bald head.

NUGENT DIRT

Bald head?

BOTH

(Panic)

F.X.

DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

MORIARTY

(approach) Please, please, Madame, M'sieu - all this noise - you are waking up all the other honeymoon couples - now what is the trouble?

MRS DIRT

It's 'im - my husband - look at him.

MORIARTY

He appears to be a perfectly normal freak.

NUGENT DIRT

If I get off this billiard table I'll strike you down -

MRS DIRT

You shut up - baldy.

NUGENT DIRT

What's all this baldy stuff - I'm not bald.

MORIARTY

The madame is right - you are - bald!

ORCHESTRA

CRASHING THEME.

BILL

Poor Nugent Dirt - indeed he was hairless. The Phantom Head Shaver had struck. The day after, I, Wallace Greenslade, opened a little tobacco kiosk. It was that week that Nugent Dirt was taken to court by his wife.

OMNES

(Courtroom murmurs)

F.X.

THREE LOUD GAVEL BANGS.

USHER

Silence in court - silence! The court will now stand for Judge Schnorrer - and if you'll stand for him you'll stand for anything.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

(schmoolick) Rite - get seated, let the mularky start.

USHER

M'lud - first case - Mrs. Dirt versus Mr. Dirt. Mrs. Prunella Dirt?

MRS DIRT

Yes, mate?

USHER

Raise yer right hand and yer left leg. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

MRS DIRT

I do.

USHER

(sotto) Well, you ain't gonna get far. M'lud - the witness for the persecution is ready.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Rite - let the prosecuting council start his spiel.

ROPESOCK

M'lud - my client, Mrs. Prunella Dirt, claims that her husband, Nugent Dirt, did deceive her in that during their courting days, right up to their marriage night, he did in fact conceal his baldness from her without her knowledge. She discovered this sad state when, at one o'clock in the morning of the honeymoon night, she -

JUDGE SCHNORRER

(drooling) Go on - go on - go on -

ROPESOCK

M'lud, please - at one o'clock in the morning, Madame Dirt arose to clean the windows.

WILLIUM

I object.

ROPESOCK

Who are you?

WILLIUM

I'm the window cleaner.

ROPESOCK

I don't wish to know that. The fact that she was cleaning the windows is unimportant.

WILLIUM

My bread and butter.

ROPESOCK

What about your bread and butter?

WILLIUM

I clean the windows with it.

USHER

Silence in court!

SEAGOON

M'lud, as council for the defence, I think we are straying from the facts. My client is accused of hiding a bald head. He denies this emphatically. He claims he was shaved in the night with a razor - by person or persons unknown.

OMNES

(Buzz of excitement ... gets out of hand)

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence in court!

SEAGOON

Silence in court!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence!

SEAGOON

Silence!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence!

SEAGOON

Yes, silence!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Thank you. Now, I want to -

USHER

Silence in court!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence!

SEAGOON

Silenceee!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silenceee there!

USHER

Silence in court!

F.X.

GAVEL BANGING STARTS AND CONTINUES :-

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silenceeeeeeeee!

USHER

Silenceeeeeee!

OMNES & ORCHESTRA

(Uproar)

GRAMS

MIX IN BATTLE SCENE.

BILL

Yes, I remember the case because during the recess I did a brisk trade in my little tobacco kiosk - one of my best clients was the defending council, Q.C. Hairy Seagoon.

SEAGOON

(coughs) Yes, I smoked heavily during the trial. It was one evening as I puffed on my alabaster meersham pipe that events took a turn in the favour of Nugent Dirt.

F.X.

KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

SEAGOON

Oh, a parcel!

THROAT

Yes.

SEAGOON

For me?

THROAT

Yes.

F.X.

PAPER PARCEL BEING OPENED.

SEAGOON

I wonder what it can be? Good heavens - is it? Yes - it's hair - human hair - and a note - 'Nugent Dirt is innocent - this hair is his - it was I who balded him while he slept - Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver'!

ORCHESTRA

THREE MORE CONCLUSIVE CHORDS.

USHER

The case of Dirt versus Dirt - third week.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Now, then, Nugent Dirt - the jury of three just men and twenty-nine criminals finds you guilty of hiding your bald nut from your wife until after you had married her.

NUGENT DIRT

(Bogg) It's a lie.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence!

NUGENT DIRT

(Bogg) Silence!

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Thank you. Therefore - I sentence you to pay a fine of three shillings or do sixty years in the nick.

NUGENT DIRT

I'll do the sixty years - I'm not throwing three bob down the drain.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Dirt - for refusing to throw three bob down the drain I sentence you to sixty years in the nick. Any last request?

NUGENT DIRT

Yes - I want to hear 'I can't believe that you're in love with me'. Thank you.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Call Max Geldray.

MAX & ORCHESTRA

MUSIC

(Applause)

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Silence, silence in court! What a load of rough we get here ...

SEAGOON

(triumphant) M'lud - stop the case! Stop the case! I have here evidence that will prove my client Nugent Dirt innocent! See - this hair is his - I submit it for analysis.

JUDGE SCHNORRER

Ohh, my life! Have we got to go through all this again? Orl rite - case suspended until the hair is analysed, and proved to be or not to be Nugent Dirt's.

OMNES

(Murmurs)

ORCHESTRA

HARP.

BILL

The days of waiting for the analysis of the hair were agony for Hairy Seagoon - he smoked pipe after pipe of one of my special tobaccos.

SEAGOON

(coughing) Gad, this tobacco! (Cough) I must tell Mr. Greenslade not to make it so strong.

F.X.

KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

SEAGOON

Oh - another parcel?

THROAT

Yes.

SEAGOON

Any message?

THROAT

No.

SEAGOON

Good night.

THROAT

Good night.

F.X.

DOOR CLOSES.

SEAGOON

See what's in this one ...

F.X.

PAPER OPENING.

SEAGOON

Empty! Wait, here's a note. 'Dear Seagoon - I struck again last night - this time I have not sent you the victim's hair - Signed - The Phantom Head Shaver.' Mmm 'P.S. If you want to know who the victim is - look in the mirror.' (Pause) Ahhhhhhhhh - I've been balded - he's balded me - ohhhhhhhhh!

ORCHESTRA

THREE SINISTER CHORDS. SOFT AND LOW.

BILL

Poor Seagoon - all his lovely hair gone. The following day I opened up a larger shop as my supplies of pipe tobacco were growing.

PETER

In the months that followed - the Phantom struck again and again! Fifty men were balded while they slept.

SPIKE

Brighton became a city of terror - the holiday trade was threatened - that year only two men came to Brighton - a hurried meeting was called.

OMNES

(Fast murmurs)

HARRY

(old man) Gentlemen - people aren't coming to Brighton - they're frightened. I ask you to think of an idea that will revive the holiday trade - and defeat the Phantom Head Shaver!

CRUN

Mnk - I suggest that every one entering Brighton be handed a bald wig and that he should sleep in that self-same wig.

MINNIE

Rubbish - if all the men wear bald wigs, the Phantom will attack the women.

CRUN

Mnk - I fear that the ladies, too, will have to wear bald wigs.

MINNIE

Rubbish - why should I wear a bald wig - I'm already bald.

CRUN

Well, wear a bald wig - mnk - with hair on.

MINNIE

Rubbish - you can't have a bald wig with hair on.

CRUN

Gnk - mnk. Why not - eh - why not?

MINNIE

Well, if a bald wig had hair on - it wouldn't be bald.

CRUN

What? What?

MINNIE

Who ever heard of a bald-headed man with hair on, eh?

CRUN

Well, I have -

MINNIE

Who? Eh? Go on, tell me, who?

CRUN

Mnk ... no - I'm not going to tell you.

MINNIE

That's because you don't know anybody with a hairy bald head.

CRUN

Yes I do, Minnie.

MINNIE

No you don't.

CRUN

... yes I do.

MINNIE

Who, who? Go on, tell me who?

CRUN

I don't see why I should.

CRUN & MINNIE

(Argue)

(Pause)

(Argue - drivel out)

MINNIE

... because you don't know an - you don't know anyone with a hairy bald head.

CRUN

(mumbles grudgingly) Mnk ... I do ... I do know somebody with a hairy bald head.

MINNIE

... you don't.

CRUN

Mnk - grnp - knp ... I do.

MINNIE

Don't.

CRUN

..... mnk do.

MINNIE

…………………y'don't.

CRUN

(heart attack) Mnk Grmp Nuk Knup ... I ... Mnk. I dooooooooo.

MINNIE

You donttttttttttt.

F.X.

CLASH OF SABRES TO MIX WITH ARGUMENT.

CRUN & MINNIE

(Continue normal voiced argument throughout)

F.X.

TWO PISTOL SHOTS - SABRES CONTINUE - ONE PISTOL SHOT.

(Silence)

CRUN

……… Mnk, I do.

MINNIE

................. don't. Anyhow I'm going home - and I say you don't know a bald man with hair on his head, so there.

F.X.

DOOR SLAMS.

CRUN

Pah … I do. I -

F.X.

PHONE RINGS. RECEIVER.

MINNIE

(distort) You don't.

CRUN

I do.

F.X.

RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN.

CRUN

I do.

F.X.

DOOR OPENS.

MINNIE

You don't.

F.X.

DOOR SLAMS.

CRUN

I do, I -

F.X.

PHONE RINGS - RECEIVER GRABBED OFF HOOK.

CRUN

I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do know a man with a hairy bald head - I do I do I do I do I do - I do, so there - I do. I do I do I do know a man with a hairy bald head. ... so there ... I do ...

SPIKE

Thank you. Now, could I speak to Mr. Seagoon? Hurray!

CRUN

Oh - I thought you were somebody else.

SPIKE

I am.

CRUN

For you.

SEAGOON

Hello, Seagoon here.

F.X.

PENNY IN MUG.

SEAGOON

Thank you.

SPIKE

Just a moment - you're through.

PETER

(Sanders) Hello, Seagoon?

SEAGOON

Yes.

PETER

Forensic Laboratory here.

SEAGOON

Oh, I'm pleased to meet you - you must excuse my appearance.

PETER

That hair we analysed -

SEAGOON

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

PETER

.... please don't do that.

SEAGOON

The hair, what about the hair?

PETER

It wasn't hair - it was tobacco.

SEAGOON

What? In that case - Ellington, play while I mediatate. Exit left, smoking.

QUARTET

MUSIC.

(Applause)

PETER

The Phantom Head Shaver of Brighton, Part Three.

SEAGOON

By now the position was serious. All told, three hundred men had been balded by the Phantom.

BILL

My tobacco stocks were now quite high.

SPIKE

The Military authorities had ringed the town with troops.

PETER

The only exit - Haywards Heath

SEAGOON

(coughs) I'll go and seek this Phantom myself - Bluebottle?

BLUEBOTTLE

I heard you call, my Capatain - I heard my little ragged capatain call - enter Bluebottle - pauses for audience applause - not a sausage - strikes defiant Alan Ladd pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect.

SEAGOON

Little brave lad - tonight we ride to Haywards Heath to track down the Phantom Head Shaver. Are you ready?

BLUEBOTTLE

I am ready, my Capatain -let justice be doned. He will fall under the wrath of my Boys' Wonder mag cardboard sword. (Pulls up trousers- tucks in shirt.) Hehuehuehueu - my hands are cold.

SEAGOON

The Shaver's a dangerous man - he might kill.

BLUEBOTTLE

(gulp) .... he he he he he he - I just remembered - it's my turn to clean out the rabbit hutch.

SEAGOON

Come here, Bluebottle - don't tell me you're a coward?

BLUEBOTTLE

All right, I won't. But you're bound to hear about it sometime.

SEAGOON

Come, little spotted dick - to Haywards Heath!

BLUEBOTTLE

Ride, vaquero, ride. Olé!!

ORCHESTRA

DICK BARTON GALLOP. WITH:-

F.X.

HORSES' HOOVES.

BILL

To Haywards Heath they rode - to the exit that was guarded by the best of British troops.

ECCLES

Hi dump eper dump yump dump er - ohhhhhh - I hup etc. etc. Halt, who goes dere? Anybody dere? Halt or I fire - fire or I halt - halt - anybody out dere in the dark, anybody? If dere's anybody dere, speak up - if there nobody - keep quiet. Halt, anybody dere, I can see you - ohhh de di dum deeee di dummm. Halt, who goes dere -?

BLOODNOK

Eccles? Will you get out of that bed and get outside on guard - aeiough ... Get out or I'll tell about the Naffi funds.

ECCLES

O.K. I'm ...

F.X.

DOOR SLAMS.

ECCLES

Ooooooo - it's dark out here - but I'm not afraid.

SEAGOON

I say -

F.X.

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.

ECCLES

Who's dat? Halt, who goes - dere?

BLOODNOK

I warn you, sir - come one step nearer and we'll scream.

SEAGOON

Have no fear, I'm Q.C. Hairy Seagoon - defending council in the Nugent Dirt case. I have on me several documents of identification - including a letter of personal trust from the Commander of the British Army; a memo of recommendation from Mr. Anthony Eden, the Foreign Secretary; a special pass signed by Mr. Clement Atlee, Leader of the Opposition; and last but not least, a permit to go where I please, signed by the Prime Minister the Right Honourable Sir Winston Spencer Churchill.

ECCLES

Friend or foe?

SEAGOON

Open the door!

F.X.

DOOR OPENS.

BLOODNOK

I surrender - Pax - I'm unarmed - you wouldn't hit a nursing mother.

SEAGOON

Major Bloodnok - take off that Anna Neagle disguise. My ADC Bluebottle and I have followed a trail of hair to this post - we believe the Phantom Head Shaver is in the vicinity.

ECCLES

Well, wait till he comes out!

BLOODNOK

I tell you, sir, the Phantom wouldn't dare come near here - not with old Bloodnok on duty. Why, I haven't slept for three nights - I've just sat here waiting fer him - oh, old Bloodnok needs a smart man to outwit him. If the Phantom Head Shaver were to - what are you staring at?

SEAGOON

Do you usually have half your head shaved?

BLOODNOK

What? Ohh, tunnedd, aeioughhhh - bleiough! Aeioughhhh bleioughh ohhhhhh, tunned me gronkers with a gritclub - Ohhh ohhh ooohhh ohhhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhh.

SEAGOON

Something in his voice told me he knew what had happened.

BLOODNOK

Ohh -look at me nut - half balded, ohhhh!

SEAGOON

There, there, Major - this is really a blessing in disguise. You see, I must have interrupted him in his work - and we all know that a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

BLOODNOK

What - yer mean you want me to wait here for him to come back and shave the other half?

SEAGOON

It's your duty.

BLOODNOK

I refuse.

SEAGOON

Then, under Chinese Law, I subpoena you.

BLOODNOK

You filthy swine - ohh! Very well, I'll do it. Just hand me that book about the Scottish Regiments.

SEAGOON

But it's called The Decameron.

BLOODNOK

Of course - it's all about Decameron Highlanders - aeiough.

SEAGOON

Right, we'll leave you and ...

F.X.

DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

BLUEBOTTLE

Captain, Capatain - I can hear someone in the ammunition hut - it sounds like a man sharpening a dirty big razor.

SEAGOON

Quick - follow me.

F.X

WHOOSH.

SEAGOON

(out of breath) Listen -

F.X.

RAZOR BEING STROPPED.

SEAGOON

(whisper) He's in this hut with a naked razor! Eccles, surround him!

ECCLES

Oooooooooo.

SEAGOON

(aloud) Come out, Phantom Head Shaver - you're surrounded, d'yer hear? We're all heavily armed - if you don't come out we'll come to that door - and so help me - we'll knock!

ECCLES

Yer - yer - if you don't come out we'll knock - ha -

SEAGOON

Shut up.

ECCLES

Shut up.

BLUEBOTTLE

We're not afraid of you, Phantom Nut Shaver - we have no fear. Come out and face me - come on and show your face. (Looks out from behind tree to see if he's showing his face.)

SEAGOON

Bluebottle - go in and get him.

BLUEBOTTLE

Yes - go in and get hi - me? Me go and get him, Capatain?

SEAGOON

Yes.

BLUEBOTTLE

What, little me? Go and get him?

SEAGOON

Yes.

BLUEBOTTLE

What, little tiny rotten weak frightened Bluebottle go in and get him?

SEAGOON

Yes.

BLUEBOTTLE

..... I don't like this game, let's play another game - let's play doctors and nurses.

F.X.

WHOOSH.

SEAGOON

Come down from that tree.

BLUEBOTTLE

I'll be the nurse - Florence Nightingoon, the Lady with the Lump.

F.X.

WHOOSH.

SEAGOON

Come out of that dustbin.

BLUEBOTTLE

You be the doctor.

F.X.

WHOOSH.

SEAGOON

Come out from behind that rock - the Phantom won't harm you - not when he sees that you're armed with a Jet Morgan cardboard cutout space catapult.

BLUEBOTTLE

Alright, Capatain, I will go in - I trust you - I shall conquer him in mortal combat. (Quickly makes out last will and testament on hack of fag packet.) In I go - farewell! I go in for England.

ORCHESTRA

FANFARE OF TRUMPETS.

BLUEBOTTLE

….. let's play doctors and nurses.

ECCLES

He's frightened - why don't you send somebody else?

SEAGOON

You then.

ECCLES

Try again.

SEAGOON

Bluebottle, get in that hut and search it from end to end.

BLUEBOTTLE

O.K.

F.X.

DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.

(Pause)

F.X.

DOOR OPENS.

BLUEBOTTLE

Not a soul was in dere - we must have been hearing things - ha ha heuh, what a relief ... ha heuheuheuheu. What are you starin' at me for?

SEAGOON

Look in this mirror.

BLUEBOTTLE

Oooooooo, you rotten swine - I've been balded - you've ruined my Tony Curtis haircut. Ohhh, you rotten - I told you I didn't like this game.

SEAGOON

Sh! He's still in there. I'll fix him - throw this stick of dynamite in through the door.

ECCLES

O.K.

(Pause)

F.X.

FUSE BURNING. STOPS WITH SPLUTTER.

SEAGOON

Curse, it was a dud. Let's go in - come on, keep me covered with your finger -

F.X.

DOOR OPENS - MAMMOTH EXPLOSION - SPLINTERING GLASS - BITS OF NUTS & BOLTS FALLING - FORKS, SPOONS, ETC.

BLOODNOK

(approaching) What's going on here? What's going on? I - good heavens!

BILL

The - er - hut blew up.

BLOODNOK

Oh, poor fellows! They were looking for the Head Shaver, yer know.

BILL

Yes - I know ...

BLOODNOK

I suppose he was blown up as well?

BILL

(pause) Care for a pipe of tobacco?

BLOODNOK

What? Oh! Thank you!

BILL

Good night.

BLOODNOK

Goodnight - charming fellow. Tobacco, eh? Gad, its the same colour as my hair - yes - it is the same col - Stop! That man - stop!

ORCHESTRA

SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR:-

BILL

That was The Goon Show - a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA

SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END.

(Applause)

MAX & ORCHESTRA

'CRAZY RHYTHM' PLAYOUT.