From: kren@ios.com (Kren) Subject: Scriptology Date: 1996/02/01 Message-ID: #1/1 sender: kren@intac.com organization: Intac newsgroups: alt.fan.goons This is *not* the BBC Home Service, just a very pale imitation (it is winter, after all). I have, at great personal risk to my knees, begun to painstakingly type Spike's scripts into my computer (it's on the floor), and upload them to my Web pages. So far there are only two: The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler and The Canal. One can type only so fast, you know. The URL is http://www.ios.com/~kren/goons.html -- which gets you straight to the information in question and avoids many sinful pages totally unrelated to Goonery. Now -- apart from Sphere's wonderful compilation, are there any other books out there and, if so, how can I get them so I can violate their copyrights as well? I also would consider exchanging pictures of Sabrina with anyone willing to donate random Goon bits not necessarily in script form. One cannot live on scripts alone. Thank you all so much for this newsgroup. It keeps me insane. -- kren <> ================== The Canal BILL: This is the BBC Home Service. PETER: (Flowerdew) This is madness, d'you hear me? Madness! HARRY: The man is, of course, referring to the highly esteemed Goon Show. GRAMS: 1922 JACK PAYNE RECORD OF ONE-STEP. HARRY: Stop. That you, Geraldo. Mr. Greenslade, tell the eager multitudes of the goodies we have in store for them. BILL: Ladies and Gintlepong. In keeping with the policy of our more 'popular' Sunday newspapers, we give you now a nice soggy mess of vice, drunkeness and worst of all -- the shame of our cities! PETER: (Winston Churchill) Mixed fretwork classes. HARRY: Thank you, Geraldo. To commence this night of debauchery, we present the world's mixed bathing champion of 1931 -- the man in black -- Mr. Valentine Dyall. F.X.: VIBRANT GIANT GONG. VAL: Allow me to correct you, little pigmy man. I am no longer the man in black; I am now the man in grey! HARRY: What brought about this change? VAL: A very cheap dry cleaners. HARRY: Very well, Mr. Dyall, the floor is yours but remember, the roof is ours. VAL: Thank you, Barbara Kelly. Ladies and Gintlepong, this is the man in black speaking. A funny thing happened to me on my way to the theatre tonight -- a steam roller ran over my head. So much for humour -- and now pray allow me to tell the story of -- SPIKE: (Scream) F.X.: DEEP RESONANT SPLASH. VAL: "The Canal," ha ha ha (goes off laughing into echo) ORCHESTRA: QUIET, SINISTER HORROR THEME. SEAGOON: My name is Neddie Seagoon. I come from mixed parentage -- one male, one female, and that's how it should be. My father was the famous amateur brain surgeon, Lord Valentine Seagoon. LORD VALENTINE: Needie was one of my adopted sons by one of my adopted wives. In 1899 I built for my family a huge mansion. ECCLES: It was only a luxury manor -- but it was home to me. FLOWERDEW: (nutty) There's a cow on the roof and I am a daisy -- I must be very careful of that cow ... LORD VALENTINE: Ha ha. My -- er -- children. The manor was a grim, black, foreboding place. Hanging in the eaves were myriads of red-mouthed bats that nightly danced in the dank air that arose from the oily waters of -- the canal. (Mad laughter as before) ORCHESTRA: CHANGE OF SCENE CHORD. F.X.: HORSE-DRAWN HACKNEY WALKING SLOWLY. (SOUND DEADENED BY THICK FOG). BILL: The Canal, Chapter One. Ned Seagoon returns home from college. F.X.: HORSE-DRAWN HACKNEY UP AND UNDER -- REUBEN: Oo ooo ooo, my life, it isn't 'arf parky up on this drivin' seat -- I should never have come out naked. SEAGOON: I say, driver -- have I far to go now? REUBEN: Let's have a look -- mm noo, I shouldn't think you got far to go. F.X.: HACKNEY STOPS. SEAGOON: Why have we stopped? REUBEN: It's no good, mister -- I can't see a thing in this fog. SEAGOON: Never mind, I'll make it on foot -- I brought one with me. Now, what's the fare? REUBEN: See -- it's Friday today, in'it? SEAGOON: 'Tis so. REUBEN: (to self) See, there's the rent -- school fees -- instalment on the bread knife -- yers, that'll be thirty-two pounds ten, mister. SEAGOON: Villain of villains! The meter only says five shillings. REUBEN: That meter ain't got a wife and ten kids ter keep. SEAGOON: There, five shillings, no more. On second thoughts, here's a penny tip. The spirit of charity is not dead. REUBEN: No, but it in't 'arf sick, mister. SEAGOON: You jester. Farewell.. Now, see -- ahh yes, this is the way (going off) past the old blasted oak and -- F.X.: RESONANT SPLASH OF STILL DEEP WATERS. SEAGOON: (off) Help! REUBEN: Where are you, mister? SEAGOON: (off) In the canal. REUBEN: Here, catch. F.X.: SPLASH. REUBEN: You forgot yer bag, ha ha ha -- ORCHESTRA: MOCKING THEME. FADE INTO -- F.X.: THREE KNOCKS ON HEAVY WOODEN DOOR. BLOODNOK: Coming -- coming ... F.X.: DOOR OPENS. BLOODNOK: Oh Neddie, it's you -- in quick, before the Arabs open fire. Aeiough. F.X.: DOOR SLAMS. SEAGOON: Uncle Bloodnok? I thought you were in the desert. BLOODNOK: I am. SEAGOON: I'm sorry I'm in such a mess -- I fell in the canal and I've covered in muck, mud, grease, rubbish, tar, oil and sludge. BLOODNOK: You know, it suits you. But how did you get past those turbanned devils of brown, the Arabs? SEAGOON: Arabs? What are Arabs doing in Lancashire? BLOODNOK: I can only put it down to the fog. If only Lord Kitchener would bring reinforcements. Aeiough ... SEAGOON: (aside) Mmm. Uncle Bloodnok seems to have changed. BLOODNOK: Didn't you see them hiding behind the sand dunes? SEAGOON: Sand dunes? Where? BLOODNOOK: Outside -- I never allow them in the house. Now I must report to H.Q. Goodbye. Charge! F.X.: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: Oh. What's happened here since I've been away at college? Anybody about? (Calls) Mother? Mother? Mother, I'm home. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: Oh, mother, I'm so glad to see you. (Big kiss) GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Pardon me, sir, but I'm the butler. SEAGOON: Oh, I'm sorry. You shouldn't wear a kilt that long, you know. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: I have reasons for dat. SEAGOON: I too have knobbly knees. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. GONG. LORD VALENTINE: Neddie! SEAGOON: Father! You --- you are Father, aren't you? LORD VALENTINE: Do I have to undress? SEAGOON: No, it's just that you've changed so. (Aside) And, dear listener, changed he had -- he looked tired, weary -- his eyes were sunk back in his head, they were bloodshot, watery and red-rimmed -- what had caused this? LORD VALENTINE: Neddie, we've bought a television set. But what are you doing back from school? SEAGOON: My schooling is completed. LORD VALENTINE: Nonsense, you've only been there forty-three years. SEAGOON: Nevertheless, I came out top boy in the entire kindergarten. LORD VALENTINE: Really? Then it's the diplomatic service for you. FLOWERDEW: (approach) I'm a daisy -- a beautiful daisy -- please, brown cow, do not eat me -- nor my friend the pansy -- where are you, Ivor? SEAGOON: Good heavens -- wasn't that Uncle Rupert? LORD VALENTINE: Yes. He's better now. Neddie, now that you're home, promise me one thing. SEAGOON: Very well, Father, I promise! LORD VALENTINE: Thank you. See that you keep it. SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle I po. LORD VALENTINE: Good. Promise me one more thing. Never -- never -- go near -- the canal. SEAGOON: Why not? LORD VALENTINE: (flaming) Just never go near the canal, that's all. Now -- you must be tired -- you need rest. Eccles? F.X.: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Yer -- did my daddie call me? LORD VALENTINE: Eccles, get your things out of Neddie's room. ECCLES: O.K. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Come on, shoo, shoo. F.X.: GOATS BLEATING IN A HERD -- CHICKENS -- COWS -- DUCKS -- HORSES GALLOPING OUT -- CATS. ECCLES: All out. Goodnight, Neddie -- sleep well. Mind how you tread! F.X.: DOOR SHUTS. SEAGOON: That night I lay in bed with a clothes peg on my nose. What had happened to everybody? 'Don't go near the canal,' he had said (yawns, goes off to sleep talking) ... zzzz. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. LORD VALENTINE: Right -- he's asleep, ha ha ha. Hand me the mallet, Doctor. EIDELBURGER: Here. LORD VALENTINE: Right -- huhhh. F.X.: WALLOP ON BONCE. SEAGOON: Zzzz -- ooo. BILL: (in quick) The Canal, Chapter Two. LORD VALENTINE: Together -- one two threeeee -- F.X.: SPLASH -- BUBBLES OF BODY SINKING. BILL:(in quick) The Canal, Chapter Three. LORD VALENTINE: Hello? Lloyds? About that life insurance against drowing -- yes -- on my son Neddie -- well -- it appears to have matured -- you'll bring the money round? Right. Thank you. F.X.: RECEIVER DOWN. LORD VALENTINE: Ha ha ha -- SPIKE: (Off) (Long agonised scream) LORD VALENTINE: (Calls) No -- not tonight, dear! Forty thousand pounds, just for throwing little Neddie in the canal, ha ha -- F.X.: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: (Gasping) Father, I -- LORD VALENTINE: Neddie -- you've been playing in the canal. I told you to stay away! Eccles? ECCLES: (Off) Yes, Daddie? LORD VALENTINE: He's back. ECCLES: O.K. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: All out! F.X.: GOATS -- CHICKENS -- COWS -- DUCKS -- HORSES -- CATS. ECCLES: Here's yer clothes peg. FLOWERDEW: I'm a dasy -- father's a plum, that's why we stoned him. I hear music and there's only Max Geldray there. MAX & ORCHESTRA: MUSIC. ORCHESTRA: SHORT DRAMATIC THEME. BILL: The Canal, Chapter Four. SEAGOON: These three days I've been kept locked in my room. I pass the time cutting the grass under my bed, and feeding the monkeys. At night I can hear digging in the cellar. A thought has just struck me -- (joy) what has become of mother? Dear mother, she was like one of the family. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. LORD VALENTINE: In here, gentlemen. YAKAMOTO & EIDELBURGER: Zank you. Yerserkah. LORD VALENTINE: Neddie, I've brought two freshly-released physicians to see you, Dr. Yakamoto -- and Dr. Justin Eidelburger. SEAGOON: But there's nothing wrong with me. EIDELBURGER: Zat's why we're here, hmm hmm hmm -- za German joke, Dr. Yakamoto? Treatment! YAKAMOTO: At once, honourable sir. Would the honourable Neddie Seagoon put both honourable feet into this delicate three-ton iron container? LORD VALENTINE: Do as the little oriental says, Neddie. SEAGOON: Very well, Father. EIDELBURGER: Good. Now, we pour in ze concrete mixture, zo! F.X.: CONCRETE GOING IN. LORD VALENTINE: (talking over it) You see, Neddie, the doctors say -- when the concrete blocks set on your feet, you won't be able to run away and play near the canal, ha ha. ORCHESTRA: HARD ARPEGGIO (MINOR) WITH BASS CLARINET (PLAY LITTLE TUNE). LORD VALENTINE: Hello? Lloyds? I want to add to that last policy on my son Neddie. Yes -- yes, I want one that covers him in the event of his ever putting concrete blocks on his feet and throwing himself in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case. BILL: The Canal, Chapter Five. F.X.: SPLASH. SEAGOON: (off) Helpppppppp. (Bubbles) BILL: The Canal, Chapter Six. The Lock-Keeper's Lodge. CRUN: Zzzzzoh dee de de de -- mnk (mouth noises) ... mnk -- yes ... zzzz -- SEAGOON: (off) Help! MINNIE: Henery? Henry, buddy? Henry, man? CRUN: What what what what -- what? MINNIE: Henry? CRUN: What is it, Minnie? MINNIE: There's a gentleman in the canal, Henry. CRUN: Oh. Thank you, Minnie. Goodnight, Min. MINNIE: Goodnight, Hen. (Pause) SEAGOON: Helpppppp! MINNIE: Henry? That gentleman is shouting, Henry. CRUN: Oh de de -- do you think he wants to pass through the lock? MINNIE: I can't tell, Henry -- but I think he must be in a submarine. CRUN: Why? MINNIE: He keeps going under the water. CRUN: Really? What will they think of next, eh? SEAGOON: Helppp! MINNIE: He said help, Henry. CRUN: Help? That's the distress call, isn't it? MINNIE: Oh yes, yes -- he must be drowning, Henry. CRUN: Minnie, quick -- my regulation-length lock-keeper's bathing drawers. F.X.: DIALLING. CRUN: Hurry, Minnie, every day is precious. MINNIE: Hello, Ajax Laundry? Could you speed delivery of Mr. Crun's bathing drawers? SEAGOON: Helppppp! MINNIE: They can't deliver till next Tuesday. CRUN: Mmn no, it's a bit risky. F.X.: DOOR. CRUN: (calls) Pardon me, sir, but can you keep afloat till next Tuesday? SEAGOON: What's today? CRUN: Friday. SEAGOON: No! Helpp, I'm going down. (Bubbles) CRUN: We're coming, sir -- hurry, Min. MINNIE: Coming, buddie. CRUN: Have you turned the gas off, Min? MINNIE: Yes, I have. SEAGOON: Help! Helpppp! MINNIE: I wonder who he is. CRUN: (calls) What's your name, sir? SEAGOON: (amid bubbles) Neddie Seagoon. CRUN: We're pleased to meet you -- my name is Crun, Henry Crun. And this is Miss Bann ... SEAGOON: Helpp, bbbb, I'm going down. CRUN: Don't do that, sir, or you'll drown. Tsu, this fog -- can't see a thing. MINNIE: Where are you, sir? SEAGOON: In the canal. MINNIE: He's in the canal. CRUN: Hello, Mr. Seagoon -- follow these instructions and you'll be safe. Hand me the Life-Saving Manual, Minnie -- now, ready? SEAGOON: Yes, but hurry. CRUN: Take three dozen eggs and break into a bowl ... SEAGOON: Yes. CRUN: Mix in eight ounces of castor sugar, then stir over a low gas. SEAGOON: I haven't got a gas stove. MINNIE: Here, catch. F.X.: SPLASH. SEAGOON: Thank you. CRUN: Right, now add four pounds of millet flour and bring the mixture to -- Minnie? This isn't the Swimming Manual. MINNIE: Oh -- (calls) we've got the wrong book, buddy. SEAGOON: What'll I do with all this mixture? MINNIE: We'd better go in, Henry, it's a shame to waste all that food. CRUN: Coming, hupppp! F.X.: COMBINED SPLASH, SPLUTTERING, SHOUTS, ETC. ORCHESTRA: SHORT LINKING CHORDS. F.X.: KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Yes, sir? BLUEBOTTLE: Oh he he, good evening to you. Is this the manor of the place where liveses the Valentine Dyall man, is dis the place, is it, man? GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Yes. BLUEBOTTLE: He he he. I am from the Lloyds of London, the well known insurance company -- I am their junior representative. Feels in pocket, produces smart calling card. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Oh, come in, sir. BLUEBOTTLE: Enter the new Bluebottle -- the new Bluebottle wearing city gentlemen-type striped trousers and Anthony Eden homberg. (Really Dad's trilbypainted black.) GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Have you wiped your feet, sir? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Then where'd that mud come from? BLUEBOTTLE: Off my shoes -- ha ha he he -- I made a little jokules -- pauses for light audience applause -- as usual not a sausinge. (Thinks of rude word for them.) GRAVELY HEADSTONE: What's your business here? BLUEBOTTLE: I have come to pay the insurance on the recently drowned and deaded Neddie Seagoon. F.X.: WHOOSH. LORD VALENTINE: (excited) Did you say insurance? BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh, yes, I have -- LORD VALENTINE: There, just sit down and warm yourself by the candle. Here, drink this -- BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, a cocktail -- good health. (Gulp) F.X.: MAMMOTH LONG RUMBLING EXPLOSION. BOOTS FALLING TO FLOOR. TEETH -- ODDS AND ENDS. BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine! You have nearly deaded me -- look, my kneecaps have dropped four inches. Who made that cocktail? GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Molotoff. BLUEBOTTLE: Look what you done to my city gentlman-type suit -- all the egg stains have been blowed off. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Is that bad? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, they were holding the suit together. GRAVELY HEADSTONE: Here's the Dance of the Seven Veils. QUARTET: MUSIC. (Applause) BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, I accept your apology. Now, Lord Valentine, the solemn business of paying out the insurance money -- moves left, opens official brief case. (Not too wide, as I have my dirty laundry in one part.) LORD VALENTINE: It's forty thousand pounds, isn't it? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes -- but it's all in pennies. LORD VALENTINE: Forty thousand pounds in pennies? Eccles! ECCLES: Yes, Daddie? LORD VALENTINE: Your hat, lad. ECCLES: O.K. LORD VALENTINE: Just hold it there -- now, Mr. Bluebottle. BLUEBOTTLE: Right, now to .... SPIKE: (Long agonised wailing heart-rending scream) LORD VALENTINE: (answering) It's in the cabinet by the bed, dear. Carry on. BLUEBOTTLE: He he he -- what -- what was that dreaded scream, sir, he heh? LORD VALENTINE: Oh, that was my eldest thing. Ha ha -- now, just count out the money. BLUEBOTTLE: Yes -- one, twopence, threepence, fourpence, fivepence -- F.X.: CLINK OF COINS BEHIND. BILL: Chapters Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten and Eleven. BLUEBOTTLE: (very tired) Four million eight hundred and thirty-two pennies ... F.X.: CLINK. BLUEBOTTLE: Ah he -- roll on, beddy byes -- four million eight hundred and thirty-three pennies -- four milli -- F.X.: GREAT SACK OF PENNIES DROPPED ONTO FLOOR. THEY ROLL AND SCATTER. ECCLES: Oh, sorry. BLUEBOTTLE: (cries) Ohh! Oh! You dropped them -- one penny, twopence, threepence F.X.: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: Fatherrr. LORD VALENTINE: (flaming) Neddie -- you! SEAGOON: Yes. F.X.: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Come on, all out, shoo! Shoo! F.X.: CATTLE, ETC. (AS BEFORE). BLUEBOTTLE: Pardon me. Did you say this was Neddie? LORD VALENTINE: Er, yes. (Happy) Why, Neddie, you're safe, dear boy. Thank heaven, we thought you were drowned, didn't we, Mr. Bluebottle? BLUEBOTTLE: He he he he, yes -- well, you will not need this deaded money for him drowning. Thinks -- this will save Lloyds a lot of money and who knows, a managerial job for Bluebottle. Thinks again -- thanks to brains, the new wonder head-filler. Well, goodnight all. Exits left. F.X.: WHOOSH -- DOOR SHUTS. LORD VALENTINE: Curses. Miss Throat? THROAT: Sir? LORD VALENTINE: That man -- THROAT: Yes? LORD VALENTINE: Stop him. THROAT: Right. F.X.: WHOOSH. DOOR SLAMS. LORD VALENTINE: (rage) Now, little Neddie -- you've been playing in the canal again. It's got to stop. SEAGOON: I agree, Father. LORD VALENTINE: Silence when you talk to me! Now, go upstairs to your room and come down at once! I want to talk to you. SEAGOON But -- I can't move, these concrete blocks on my feet ... LORD VALENTINE: We'll soon have them off. Eccles? ECCLES: (off) Yup, Daddy? LORD VALENTINE: Put these sticks of dynamite into his concrete blocks. ECCLES: O.K., Daddie. F.X.: FUSE STARTS TO BURN. ECCLES: Dere! In ten seconds there'll be a dirty big -- LORD VALENTINE: Yes, yes -- Neddie, wait outside in the garden will you? SEAGOON: Yes, Father. F.X.: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. LORD VALENTINE: (sings) F.X.: DIALLING. LORD VALENTINE: Hello, Lloyds? Yes -- new life policy, please -- I want to insure Neddie in the event of his ever putting concrete blocks on his feet, blowing himself up with dynamite and landing in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case -- F.X.: EXPLOSION WHISTLE GOES UP. BILL: Chapter Twelve. F.X.: WHISTLE DESCENDS. SPLASH. SEAGOON: Helppp! BILL: The Canal, Chapter Thirteen. F.X.: PENNIES BEING DROPPED ONTO A PILE. BLUEBOTTLE: There, that's the lot, Lord Valentine. LORD VALENTINE: Yes -- forty thousand pounds. Poor Neddie. BLUEBOTTLE: Yes -- yes, it was funny him falling in the canal again so soon after I left -- good job you ran after me, wasn't it? F.X.: DOOR OPENS. PRONOUNCED CREAK. LORD VALENTINE: You! F.X.: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Shoo, git out. F.X.: CATTLE, ETC. (AS BEFORE). SEAGOON: Father! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it is little Neddie -- oh, well, well, well. Could I have all the money back, please? LORD VALENTINE: No! Hands up! All of you! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, he's got a gun. LORD VALENTINE: Eccles! ECCLES: Yes, Daddie? LORD VALENTINE: Take these two men and chain them up in the dungeon! Ha ha ha. ORCHESTRA: DESCENDING CHORDS. F.X.: HEAVY CHAINS. MANACLES. ECCLES: Oh di dump -- dere, dere, not too tight are dey? SEAGOON: Eccles, do you realize what Daddie's trying to do? ECCLES: Yer, he's tryin' to keep you away from der canal because he loves you and don't want you to get drowned. SEAGOON: No --- he wants to kill us all -- and that includes you. ECCLES: Oooooooo. BLUEBOTTLE: I am frighted -- I don't want to be deaded yet. I haven't had my half day off this week. If you get deaded they give you the sack at Lloyds -- they don't like deaded men working for dem. SEAGOON: Ssh. Now, Eccles, undo these chains and help us capture Father before he kills us all. ECCLES: O.K. SEAGOON: Right, now this is the plan -- we -- F.X.: DUNGEON DOOR SLAMS. BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, look, someone has closed the dungeon door from the outside -- we are trapp-ed! LORD VALENTINE: Ha ha ha ha ha (goes off on echo). SEAGOON: Curse, he's locked us in. Never mind, we'll batter the door down. Where's something with a blunt head? ECCLES: Here y'are. BLUEBOTTLE: Put me down, Eccles. Put me down, I shall charge the door and -- and smash it down. SEAGOON: Good man. BLUEBOTTLE: Stand back, here I go. To matchwood I'll splinter the door -- charge! F.X.: LONG APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS (GALLOPING) GET NEARER AND FADE INTO THE DISTANCE. BLUEBOTTLE: (miles off) You rotten swine -- who opened the door? ECCLES: Ha hum -- SEAGOON: Good work. Now listen, both of you -- we've got to think quick. ECCLES: Dat leaves me out! SEAGOON: We're going to throw Father into the canal! BILL: Chapter Fourteen. F.X.: (OFF) SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH. ECCLES: (off) Help! BLUEBOTTLE: (off) Help! SEAGOON: (off) You devil, Lord Valentine. LORD VALENTINE: Ha ha ha ha -- you didn't think you could -- ooo ... (Struggle) F.X.: SPLASH. LORD VALENTINE: Helpppp -- who did that? BILL: Last chapter. CRUN: Hello, Lloyds -- about the life insurance I took out on the four gentlemen ... ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR -- BILL: That was The Goon Show -- a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Valentine Dyall with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END. (Applause) MAX & ORCHESTRA: "CRAZY RHYTHM" PLAYOUT.