MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY plays 'Pink Champagne'

APPLAUSE.

ORCHESTRA: Harp link

FX: Knocking on door

Grytpype: Come in!

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Doctor Grytpype Thynne?

Grytpype: The same.

Neddie: My name is Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS: whistle of falling bomb, explosion

Grytpype: Ups-a-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?

Neddie: I've come to help fight Lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curit, Philip Harben and now ... me.

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Now, what are your qualifications?

Neddie: I was struck off the rolls twice!

Grytpype: You can only be struck off the rolls once.

Neddie: That will give you some idea of my importance.

Grytpype: Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. The last twelve hours two thousand more victims have been smitten with Lurgi.

Neddie: (gulp) We must move fast.

Grytpype: What do you suggest?

Neddie: South America?

Grytpype: No no no no. You are the one man who can save Britain.

Neddie: Yes. Yes, first Lewis Carrol, Madame Tussaud, Sir Robert Boothby and now ... me!

Grytpype: Now Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. All the Lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool ...

Neddie: One moment, Doctor Grytpype ...

Grytpype: Eh? Eh, eh, eh, eh?

Neddie: If you know the cure for Lurgi, why don't you have the knighthood and the riches?

Grytpype: I can't. You see ... I'm married.

Neddie: Oh. I'm ... I'm terribly sorry.

Grytpype: No, Seagoon lad. It must be you.

Neddie: I suppose it must.

Grytpype: Mmmm.

Neddie: First Joe Louis, then Call Me Madam, Moonie and King, and now ... me.

Grytpype: I wonder what's gone wrong.

Moriarty: Come, Seagoon. Off you go to the Council Medicale.

ORCHESTRA: Link

OMNES: Hum of conversation

Peter (Lew): Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen of the British Medical Council. Now then ... I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this Lurgi lark ... what they're all doin' their nut about in Lancashire. Er ... 'ere's the speaker, Doctor, um ...

Neddie: Seagoon ... Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS: whistle of falling bomb, explosion

Peter (Lew) My life, 'e's always doin' that. Carry on, nut.

Neddie: Ladies and gentlemen. Before I start, are there any further questions?

Minnie: What is Lurgi?

Henry: Shut up.

Minnie: Shut up.

Henry: Shut up.

Minnie: You shut up.

Henry: What is Lurgi?

Minnie: What is Lurgi? I just asked that question, buddy.

Henry: Then why didn't you say so.

Minnie: I did say so.

Henry: If you've already asked, there's no point in me asking again.

Minnie: Well, anyhow ... mmm ... what is Lurgi?

Henry: One question at a time.

Minnie: It ... it was only one question, Henry.

Henry: But I've already asked that question.

Minnie: Thank you. Thank you, Doctor Crun. Thank you. Thank you.

Henry: Goodnight. Goodnight, Doctor Bannister.

Neddie: Doctor Bannister?

Henry: Yes.

Neddie: Gad, he looks different in his singlet.

Henry: Mmm.

Neddie: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you ... before it's too late, isolate the Lurgi victims at Yakabool Centres in Blackpool.

Minnie: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy?

FX: Phone rings, picked up

Neddie: Hello?

Grytpype: (on phone) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund.

FX: Phone hung up

Neddie: (sotto voce) Yes. Yes, that's it. (loud) I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi distress fund.

Minnie: Bravo.

Henry: Bravo.

Wal: Part two. The charity concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund. The Overture, by the Ray Ellington Quartet.

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON sings 'My Very Best Friend The Milkman' and 'It's A Sin To Tell A Lie'

APPLAUSE

Neddie: Thank you, Sir Malcolm Sargent. Thank you. And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Count Moriarty and Doctor Grytpype Thynne, a great continental tenor, Giovanni Saponi.

GRAMS: Wild applause, stops suddenly

Spike: Thank you, thank you. Grass-ia, grass-ia. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well, 'I Travel The Road'.

ORCHESTRA: Big intro to song

Spike: (singing, nasal tenor) A gypsy am I ... a-wandering by ... I travel the road ... who cares.

Moriarty: I'll give him the signal now.

Spike: (sings) I travel the road ... ooh yakabool ... ooh ... yakabool, yakabool ...

Neddie: (panic) Moriarty! Moriarty! The singer ... he's got the Lurgi. Help! Run for your lives ... Lurgi!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link

FX: Banging on dustbin

Grytpype: For the last time, come out of that dustbin.

Neddie: (muffled) Leave me alone. I don't want to catch Lurgi.

Grytpype: There is nothing to fear. Neddie, I'll tell you the cure.

FX: Lid off dustbin

Neddie: The cure ... ha ha ha ... that's it. The cure. The cure ... what's the cure?

Grytpype: Now sit down, Neddie ... and .... let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous quincyquonces of this dreadful Lurgi.

Neddie: But ... but ... what's the cure?

Grytpype: The er .. cure is rather unorthodox, but here it is. (fade) You will tell ...

ORCHESTRA: Harp link

Wal: Meanwhile, an unsuspecting Parliament was debating important affairs of State.

OMNES: Coughing, murmurs, grumbles

Spike: (very slow) Er ... who ... who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And, may I ask why they have not been taken up ... in the last ... century?

Harry: Hear hear.

Peter: (pompous) Er ... they were ... they were ... taken up ... last December.

Spike: Oh.

Peter: Ah

Harry: Hear hear.

Spike: Isn't it ... isn't it time ... they ... were taken up ... again?

Harry: Well done.

Peter: Impossible. They've not been put back again yet.

Spike: I don't believe that.

Wal: The fierce debate was at its height when past the Speaker's chair crept a dustbin, and, with dramatic suddenness, the lid was flung off.

FX: Dustbin lid

Neddie: Honourable members. I have some important news concerning Lurgi.

Peter: What? What is all this?

Spike: Rubbish. Get out. He's a Liberal.

Neddie: First of all ...

Peter: He's a Liberal.

Neddie: I must ...

Peter: Speak up.

Neddie: First of all I must ask you all to lie on the floor.

Peter (Churchill): Rubbish. I've never heard of such twaddle. Who are you, sir?

Neddie: My name is Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS: whistle of falling bomb, explosion

Peter (Churchill): Is it alright to get up now?

Neddie: You may rise, sir.

Peter (Churchill): Ah.

Neddie: Now, honourable members, Lurgi threatens us all.

Minnie: Oh, what is Lurgi?

Neddie: Lurgi ... Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind.

Minnie: Oh.

Neddie: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles.

OMNES: Uproar, grumblings, cries of 'rubbish', etc.

Neddie: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Oldham is already affected.

Spike: What?

Neddie: At this very moment, more and more people are contracting Lurgi.

Peter: Is there any known cure for Lurgi?

Neddie: That there is. Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research, I discovered that all victims had one thing in common.

OMNES: 'What was it?' etc.

Spike: Out with it, man. Out with it.

Neddie: None of them play in a brass band.

OMNES: 'What?', etc.

Spike: Good heavens! Amazing.

Peter (Churchill): One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument one is immune from Lurgi?

Neddie: Yes.

Peter (Churchill): Mmm. Anthony, give me an 'A', would you?

ORCHESTRA: Mixed cacophony of notes and chords, into link

Wal: Following the dramatic disclosure in Parliament, Doctor Ned Seagoon has been put in full charge of the anti-Lurgi campaign.

Moriarty: See now, Seagoon, you will need to order four million E-flat trombones ...

Neddie: That's going to cost something, isn't it?

Moriarty: Cost? Cost? Lives are at stake, man!

Grytpype: If you can save Britain from Lurgi, the Government won't mind the inspenditure.

Neddie: You're right ... First Louis Posteur and Madame Pompadour, Cynthia and Gladys...

Moriarty: Yes, yes.

Grytpype: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now, you ...

Neddie: Yes. Ha ha.

Grytpype: Three million euphoniums, four million sousaphones ... well, here's the list. Sign here, lad.

Moriarty: And send it to Messrs. Goosey and Bawkes, the well-known instrument makers.

Wal: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks, Goosey and Bawkes had received fifty million pounds in brass band orders. They delivered them, some thirty million musical instruments, to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick.

GRAMS: Sound of plane taxiing

Neddie: What a sight. A thousand planes packed to the bilges with the life-saving instruments. Well done Goosey and Bawkes. Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour. (calls) Any of you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?

Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my Capitain, I heard you call me. Enter Bluebottle - pauses for audience applause - not a sausage.

GRAMS: Scattered applause

Bluebottle: Better second house.

Neddie: Stand away, little stringy pants. This is man's work.

Bluebottle: But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees. Look! Points to white spot on leg. Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot.

Neddie: Stop that dooting, man.

Bluebottle: Hee hee hee.

Neddie: Where's Major Bloodnok?

Bluebottle: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school play at Christmas. Puts on white beard. Olé!

Neddie: Wait a moment ... there is a part for you.

Bluebottle: I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle. Oh. What do I say, Captain?

Neddie: Read this. But don't read it 'til I tell you.

Bluebottle: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to him. Turns from window so I will not shout to him.

Neddie: (off) Righto. Read it now.

Bluebottle: (shouts) I heard you ... (ahem) Reads part. (ahem) 'My name is Ned Seagoon ... '

GRAMS: whistle of falling bomb, explosion

Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we've even started the game. And you have singed my Edmund Purdom Egyptian-type shirt. Ouiegh. Moves off, for new supply of crepe hair.

Bloodnok: Pardon me crumpeldoff and daffle me latchers ... a civilian on Army property? Who are you, sir?

Neddie: I'd rather not say, sir. You see, I ...

Bloodnok: Come on ... out with it, man. I'm broad-minded. Wait a minute, you're not Ned S ...

Neddie: (in quick) Shh! Please.

Bloodnok: What a strange-sounding name.

Neddie: Major Bloodnok ...

Bloodnok: That's more like a name. Pleased to meet you, Major Bloodnok.

Neddie: I'm not Major Bloodnok - that's your name.

Bloodnok: Of course it is. Aeighh!

Neddie: Major Bloodnok ...

Bloodnok: Major Bloodnok ...

Neddie: Yes.

Bloodnok: Yes.

Neddie: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your band, the object being to instruct the Lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments.

Bloodnok: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, by the left, into the plane, quick march. Chocks away ...

FX: Thud

Bloodnok: ... good luck.

GRAMS: Plane taking off, drone of engines in flight

Neddie: (over) What a sight. A thousand planes taking off towards Blackpool. Soon it will all be over. Lurgi, conquered by me.

ORCHESTRA: Link

Wal: And now here's the news. Today in Parliament, questions were asked regarding the dropping of some fifty million brass band instruments on Blackpool, late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the Treasury well over twenty-five million pounds. As a result, income tax will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-existent disease called Lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen ...

Grytpype: (over) Switch it off.

FX: Click

Moriarty: Yes, yes - we've heard enough of that now ... let me see now ... that's fifty thousand pounds for you ... fifty million for me ... six million for me ... seven million for the ...

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Ah ... there you are ...

Grytpype: It's little Neddie ...

Moriarty: Oh.

Neddie: I say ... have you ... have you heard the news? They ... (nervous laugh) they say there's no such disease as Lurgi. Ha ha.

Grytpype: No such disease as Lurgi? And you went to the Houses of Parliament and told them there was. Oh dear.

Neddie: Eh? Ha ha. You ... you ... you told me to tell them, I mean ...

Grytpype: Toothbrush.

Moriarty: Yes.

Grytpype: Change of underwear.

Moriarty: Two towels for you.

Grytpype: Yes. Got the plane tickets?

Neddie: Wait .. wait.

Moriarty: Two tickets to the South of France.

Neddie: There ... there ... there is such a thing as

Lurgi ...

Moriarty: What?

Neddie: ... isn't there? Eh ha. You told me there was, didn't you, I mean ...

FX: Door opens

Spike: Oh, pardon me. The car is waiting for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport.

Neddie: Wait ... you're ... you're the singer from the Albert Hall.

Spike: Ohh.

Neddie: You've got Lurgi. Run for your lives ... Lurgi! You've got ... wait a minute. Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes?

Grytpype: Yes. That's our business name. We make brass band instruments, you know.

Neddie: You must have made a fortune. You ... you ...

Grytpype: Let me tell you a tale. First Charlie Peace, Doctor Crippen ... and now Muggins! (off) Goodbye.

Neddie: Muggins? Who ... who's Muggins? Hoo ah (upset) ah ... yakabool ... yakabool ...

ORCHESTRA: Theme

Wal: (over) That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Millligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. Oooh ... yakabool!