Here we go, this was done using a dictating machine appropriated from
a certain place and I havn't had time to check it through, but I'm
sure the more picky of you will enjoy doing that

The Mystery of the Marie Celeste (solved)

Originally Broadcast March '54

Script: Spike Milligan

Transcription Jon Poole jonp@dial.pipex.com
__________________________________________

Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service

FX: Splash

Secombe: Let that be a lesson to him ha ha, he was about to refer to

	 the highly esteemed Goon Show

Orchestra: Short Chord

Secombe: Listeners, what does that short brif chord indicate?, it
indicates 	 that Mr Wally Stott has forgotten the music again
therefore gnnnnn

FX: Splash

Secombe: There, he'll be company for Mr Greenslade, Now then Mr
reserve 	 announcer

Sellers (lew): What is it nut?

Secombe: Ahh, Mr Snagge. Tell the British Empire and East Acton what
we have 	 decided is good for them, let the joy bells ring

Sellers (lew): Mussletof, Ladies and Gentlemen we've been and got a
lot of 	       Geezers and Schpeilers and we Ooooh

Secombe: Gnnnnn

FX: Splash

Secombe: (Clears Throat) Ladies and Gentlemen on my own
responsibility, I 	 present the Mystery of the Marie Celeste
SOLVED!

Orchestra: Buccaneer type music that I'm sure has a proper name

Sellers (Hern): Unsolved in the annuls of sea mysteries is that of the
Brigantine Marie Celeste, but more of that later let us 		trace the
thread of a rather unique experiment.

Narrator (Milligan): One Spring afternoon in December, Neddy Seagoon,
a 		     Handsome young bug about town decided to dine out

Seagoon: Yes, As I sat in my usual place I opened the Financial Times
and 	 carefully noted the number of chips I had left, I turned to
the 	 gossip page and helped myself to some fish it was then, it
was then 	 a small notice caught my eye,it read:

Grytpipe: Author of sea stories will pay five thousand punds to anyone
furnishing conclusive proof as to the fate of those who manned the
Marie Celeste

Seagoon: I read no further

Grytpipe: But you don't know my address

Seagoon: I read on

Grytpipe: Apply Captain Grytpipe Thynne, First Mate, The Buildings,
Hackney

FX: Whoosh

FX: Door Knocks, Door opens

Grytpipe: Come in

Seagoon: Captain Grytpipe-Thynne

Grytpipe: Yes Matey

Seagoon: So this was the author of a thousand sea-sagas, he was a tall
vile 	 man dressed in the Naval uniform of a Seagoing Sailor under
his 	 left arm he held a neatly rolled anchor ,while with his right
he 	 scanned the horizon with a pair of powerful kippers

Grytpipe: Ahoy

Seagoon: Ahoy

Grytpipe: Ahoy, pull up a Bollard

Seagoon: Pardon

Grytpipe: That thing there is a Bollard

Seagoon: Oh, is that what you tie ships to?

Grytpipe: Well said. Now Matey, what can I do for you?

Seagoon: I've just read your offer in the paper about the Marie
Celeste 

Grytpipe: Little matelow, that was inserted in 1910, 44 years ago

Seagoon: My paperman has a big round.

Grytpipe: Your paperman has a big round what?

Seagoon: Ahoy

Grytpipe: Ahoy, pull up a bollard, little bo'sun, what do you know
about the 	  Marie Celeste

Seagoon: You're offering 5,000 pounds for the the mystery of it

Grytpipe: Hmmmm, do you come here often

Seagoon: No

Grytpipe: Good, Powder monkey, let me tell you about the Marie
Celeste, Ahoy

Seagoon: Ahoy

Grytpipe: Ahoy. At three o'clock of the afternoon of december the 5th
1872
	  twixt the azores and twixt the coast of Portugal, the Marie
Celeste was sighted

Seagoon: Ahoy

Grytpipe: Ahoy, On board there was no sign of life and yet

Seagoon: You're offering five thousand pounds reward

Grytpipe: Have you ever been shipwrecked

Seagoon: No

Grytpipe: I'll arrange for it

Seagoon: Ahoy

Grytpipe: Ahoy, aboard the Marie Celeste all was ship-shape and
Bristol 	  fashion, food was freshly laid, no sign of a strudgle and
yet, not 	  a soul aboard her, any questions?

Seagoon: Yes, what's a Bollard

Grytpipe: Ahoy

Seagoon: Thank you

Grytpipe: yes yes yes, the crew dissapeared without trace,now, if you
can 	  furnish a satisfatory explanation of what happened to
them, five thousand pounds. 

Seagoon: right, I'm your man

Grytpipe:You silly twisted boy, you 

Seagoon: Give me a month and I'll have the answer by hook or by crook

Orchestra: That Buccaneer tune-jobby again

Sellers (Hern): And now

Greenslade: On the first stage of investigations, Ned Seagoon hurried
round 	    to the office of a large shipping magnet

FX: Door Knocks 

Seagoon: Come in

FX: Door Knocks

Seagoon: Come in

Bloodnock: It's you that's knocking

Seagoon: Then I'll come in

FX: Door Opens

Seagoon: My Name is Ned Seagoon 

Bloodnock: I find no joy

Seagoon: Are you leading Admiral Dennis Bloodnock, chief of the
international shipping line

Bloodnock: I have that privilage

Seagoon: I never knew there were shipping offices on the Serpentine

Bloodnock: Ohh yes yes, I do all my buisness from here, what's the
time?

Seagoon: Quater to five

FX:Slide door opens, whistle

Bloodnokck: Come in number 49 

FX:Slide door shuts

Bloodnock: Well now, what can I do for you

Seagoon: Well, Admiral Bloodnock, I.....

Bloodnock: Wait a moment

FX:Slide door opens, whistle

Bloodnock:(Shouts) I shan't tell you again 49

FX:Slide door closes

Bloodnock: Some of these people think I run these pleasure boats for
pleasure, now lad, pull up a bollard

Seagoon: Admiral, I was told you had associations with the ill fated
Marie 	 Celeste

Bloodnock: Lies, all lies, I was in Bangalore at the time, I deny
every word
	   she's lying and so's Alice Gurth and Mary Pheuller and all the
	   other girls I molested, they're all after my Piggy Bank d'you
hear me	

Seagoon: Admiral, please, Marie Celeste was found abandoned at sea

Bloodnock: The poor girl, how she must have suffered

Seagoon: The Marie Celeste is a ship

Bloodnock:Of course, wait a moment, The Marie Celeste, I'd almost
forgotten

Seagoon: Can you tell me anything about her

Bloodnock: Of course, I have the record here.

Seagoon: Ying tong iddle I po

Bloodnock: Good, now I'd like to tell you all about the Marie Celeste,
but 	   unfortunately lad I'm sworn to secrecy, absolutely mum, it
would 	   take a lot to make me talk

Seagoon: Five thousand pounds

Bloodnock: That's a lot, the entire documents are at your service 

Seagoon: Thank you, for nights I poured over the vital documents, then
when 	 all seemed lost Admiral Bloodnock suddenly remembered a vital
map 	 reference

Bloodnock: Latitude 38,29 North, Longditude 17,15 west, off you go lad

Seagoon: Right, Taxi and now.....

Orchestra:You guessed it, the buccaneer-type music again

Bloodnock: I waited for Seagoon's return, then, at dawn

FX:Door Opens

Seagoon: Admiral, I've just returned from Latitude 38,29 Norhth,
Longditude 	 17,15 West

Bloodnock: you're soaking wet

Seagoon: You didn't tell me it was at sea

Bloodnock:Then it's true, the Marie Celeste was found at sea, look lad

Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes

Bloodnock: Here's the name of a shipyard, the very one that built her,
why 	   don't you go along and see if they can give you any
information

Seagoon: Eye eye

FX: Door closes

Bloodnock: Eye eye

FX:Phone dialling

Bloodnock (over phone dialling): Sharing your gladness my loves
desire,(dialling stops) hello, hello Bloodnock here listen Mr
Crun, what we planned for has happened, yes, Ned Seagoon's the
name, yes I've sent him to you and he's offerning fiveahem four
thousand pounds reward for any information, alright, goodbye Mr
Crun. Seaman Geldray, bring 49 in and play us a horn mouth on your
pipe organ in the key of sea shanty

				<Max Geldray> 

Greenslade: The Marie Celeste Mystery solved, part two and now

Orchestra: Again, music

Narrator: While Max Geldray was playing that old English bollard, how
many 	  listeners noticed that Ned Seagoon had gone to a certain
shipyards 	  at Deptford Creek, hmm? you must watch these points.

FX:Mechanical Ship-making noises

Henry:Put him in the barrell untill he's sober, put him in the barrel
until he's sober im dum dee

Min: Im bum biddle yiddle da da dum dum liptee wim ha ha

Henry: Minnie, stop that mad crazy modern rhythm style singing

Min: Why should I stop my modern crazy rhythm style singing buddie?

Henry: Because we're seafaring folk, if you must sing, sing a shanty

Min: Oooooo Onllleeyyy a Santeyyyy imbom biddle ba ba biddle da
libtdee          wibble da ha ha

Henry: I shall come down there in a minute

Min: Iddle id ul amba da libtree dedela ha ha

Henry: Shut up

Min: ha ha!

Henry:(fast) Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves, Britains never
never       never shall be slaves

Min: (More of Modern-type singing)

Henry:(Fast)Fifteen men on a dead man's chest yo ho ho and a bottle of
rum

Min: ha ha ha ha ha ha

Seagoon: Ahoy there

Henry: Ahoy

Seagoon: Ahoy, My name is Ned Seagoon

Henry: Ohh Minnie, it's him

Min: ha ha

Henry: (Min modern sings over) Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the
waves           Britain's never ever ever shall be slaves

Seagoon: Thank you  Ann Zeigler and Webster Booth, Is this the
Shipyard of 	 Crun, Bannister & Crun

Henry: Yes

Min: Yes

Henry: And Yes

Seagoon: Then this firm built the Marie Celeste

Henry: Yes, I did

Seagoon: You did? come now, the Marie Celeste was built over a 100
years ago

Henry: Ohh, then it must be my day off

Seagoon: Ahoy, Mr Crun,

Henry: Ahoy

Seagoon: I want you to build and man a second Marie Celeste

Henry:Nyee hee

Seagoon: don't you see the idea is to resail the ill fated voyage and
reconstruct the mystery

Henry: Build another Marie Celeste

Seagoon: Yes, I want you to build a replica

Henry: Sorry, I'm a shipbuilder I'm no good at replicas

Min: Ying tong iddle I po

All: Good

Seagoon: Now, how long to buld it

Henry: Well there's a lot of work you know, the old plans will have to
be          modernised, got to have the crazy plans you know, and the
wood, very        difficult to get the wood you know, and the rope,
ooo the rope

Seagoon: yes yes, give me a rough date

Henry: And the deck timbers  ohh the canvas

Seagoon: When will the boat be finished?

Henry: After dinner

Seagoon: You'll have the whole ship completed after dinner

Henry: yes

Seagoon: Why the delay

Henry: It's the wood, you can't get it you know

Seagoon: All right, I'll just have to be patient now to dinner then,
Ahoy!

Henry: Ahoy

Seagoon: Giddup haddubup bwa tan (Sort of)(To the theme of'Rule
Britannia')

Orchestra: More of the same

Peter (Hern): And now

Greenslade: No sooner had Ned Seagoon left the shipyard than Mr Crun
spoke 	    to a seafaring man

Henry: Commodore, Commodore, it;s happened at last

Eccles: Oooo it's happened at last ehh, ohh well well well it's
happened at 	last ohh ehh it's happened at last it's happened he
said

Henry: Yes yes

Eccles: Ohh it's happened at last ehh oooh, What's happened?

Henry: Admiral Bloodnock sent him to us and he's here

Eccles: OooooOOOOooooo you mean he's really here, it's him?

Henry:(exited) yes, he's here ha ha ha (laughs with Eccles)

Eccles: Who's here?

Henry: Him, Ned Seagoon, you know the plan that we all worked on, the
Marie Celeste plan

Eccles: Ooo that one

Henry: And there's a reward for four ahem three thousand pounds

Eccles: ohh well I'll go and get the original crew

Henry: All we have to do is to....(fade out)

Orchestra: Flashback-type music

Eccles: Here fellows, it's happened and he's offering a reward of two
ahem 	one thousand pounds

Sellers (Rough Seaman-type): D'you here that Seacombe yakka-moto he's
offering a reward of one thousand ahem, five undred pounds

Secombe (Sailor): What'd he say?

Milligan (Chinaman): Honorable man is offering five hu' two hundred
and 	 fiftey pounds

Seacombe (Sailor): Two hundred and fiftey pounds eh I'll tell cabin
boy 	 Bluebottle

Orchestra (More Flashback harp-type music)

Bluebottle: Nee hee hee I have just been toled that there is a reward
of 17 	    and ninepence and an extra bob a week, if we live

Narrator: Listners, have you noticed a slight drop in the reward, you
must 	  watch these little points

Orchestra: Back to the buccaneer music again

Sellers (Hern): And now

Greenslade: Ned Seagoon hurried back to the Author who was offering
four thousand pounds reward

Seagoon: Five thousand

Greenslade: I've got to live as well, anyway Ned Seagoon informed
Admiral
   	    Grytpipe-Thynne of the progress he had made and that he,
Ned 	    Seagoon was preparing to sail the ill-fated voyage again.

Seagoon: Correct, we sail today

Greenslade: Now here is a gale warning

Seagoon: We sail tomorrow, we should reach the exact spot in five days

Bloodnock: In the meantime, Ray Ellington, pull up a Bollard, Ahoy!

Ray E: Ahoy!
			<Ray Ellington>

Orchestra: Doooh?

Sellers (Hern): And now......

Greenslade: The Mystery of the Marie Celeste solved, part three,
exactly as in 1872 The Brigantine Marie Celeste II slid gracefully out
of harbour

Grams: Seagulls

Greenslade: Past the Boom and into the open sea

Grams: Waves

Seagoon: Well we're under way captain

Bloodnock: Stick your hand out here Seagoon we turn left here lad

Seagoon: Some time later I gave a last glance at land it gave one a
strange feeling to see the beachy head lighthouse pass our stern, we
were at anchor, but soon we were on the open sea

Orchestra: And again

Seagoon: After five days at sea I was having dinner in the crows nest
when suddenly

Eccles: Ahoy! you up there, mr Seagoon

Seagoon:(Distant) Yes?

Eccles:Admiral Bloodnock's Quibbleimonts he wants you in his cabin
right away

Seagoon: Right away?

Eccles: Yerrr, but first I want to tell you something

Seagoon: Coming down AAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAAA

FX: Crash

Seagoon: Ohh dear, that's a nasty fall that is

Eccles: Are you OK

Seagoon: I think so, Ooo aaaa oo ah now what did you want to tell me?

Eccles: I took the ladder away

Henry: Mr Seagoon we're nearly there, then we can re-enact the mystery
for         you,

Seagoon: Wait a minute, do you know what happened to the original crew
of the Marie Celeste?

Henry: (Humms to self & Walks away)

Seagoon: Mr Cru..oo,I'll go and ask the Admiral, see if he'll explain
excuse 	 em

Milligan (Chinaman): Yes? What does honurable Neddy Sleagoon want?

Seagoon: Where is Admiral Bloodnock's cabin

Chinaman: This door here, marked ladies only

Seagoon: Thank you

Chinaman: Chip chop chap chop

Seagoon: Chop chip, I strode towards the cabin, determined to get to
the 	 bottom of the mystery

FX: Doorbell, door opens

Ms Pholumnia (Sellers): Yes

Seagoon: Oh I'm terribly sorry I thought this was the Admiral's cabin

Ms Pholumnia: Just one moment

FX: Door closes

Bloodnock: Come in

FX: Door opens

Seagoon: Admiral Bloodnock, you said you wanted to see me

Bloodnock: Ohh yes yes, young Neddy, yes you havn't met my sister have
you

Seagoon: You told me you were an only child

Bloodnock: In that case meet my mother

Seagoon: How do you do

Bloodnock: I'll see you later mother dear

MS Pholumnia: Ohh Dennis, all right then (Giggles playfully)

Seagoon: But Admiral, you look twenty years older than she does

Bloodnock: Ahh I've had a lot of worry,  Now Ned to buisness, what
about the errm money

Seagoon:When we arrive at the rendevous tomorrow a Naval Vessel will
be present with the author aboard

Bloodnock: Author, I don't wish to know any authors

Seagoon: He's the man with the money

Bloodnock: introduce me at once

Seagoon: he will not hand over the money until he recieves a
satisfactory 	 explanation of what happened to the crew 

Bloodnock: Thud me Marlinspikes, I know what happened this is the true
story, on the night......

FX:Door Opens

Bluebottle: pardon Me my little hairy capatain, Enter Bluebottle in
rough 	    seaman's ichy jearsey with a patch over one eye and a
dirty big 	    stocking on my head, Ole, not a sausage.

Seagoon: Curse, just as I was about to find the answer, what's going
on 	 little ragged pants

Bluebottle: We have sighted a British Man of War H.M.S Gladys, points
with 	    finger out to sea toot toot toot toot toot toot toot, we
are 	    getting ready to act out mysteries, stands by canon to
fire 	    salute

Seagoon: What, what is the mystery of the Marie Celeste

Bluebottle: Nay nay, there's a 17 & 9pence reward and until I get it,
not a 	    word shall pass my lips, ties himself to mast and waits
for 50 	    lashes

Seagoon: Here's your 17/9 pence now out with it

Bluebottle: nee hee hee, thank you takes out 17/9 piece which is no
bigger 	    than a tenner puts it in rough seaman's purse prepares to
tell mystery (clears throat) when we were eeee Sees Admiral out of
corner of eye, good job I've got square eyes

FX:Whooosh

Seagoon: I say little nobbly actor, I say, wheres he gone?

Bloodnock: Where's the naughty little powder monkey gone, it's time to
fire the salute, Eccles 

Eccles: OK, give me the match. stand back

FX: Boom, splash

Bluebottle: (distant) You rotten swine you, oh I was hiding in the
cannon 	    and now I'm drowning , waves arms around as if in panic,
goes 	    down for 3rd time then remembers 7/9 in purse, climbs on
ship to 	    spend same, exits left to NAFFI.

Seagoon: Perhaps someone will tell me what's going on here

Bloodnock: I'll tell you, we are the original crew of the Marie
Celeste

Seagoon: Good heavens ghosts

Eccles: We ain't ghosts

Seagoon: But you can't be human

Eccles: Ohh that's different

Bloodnock: I'll tell you what happened, when we sailed the original
Marie 	   Celeste we made rafts

Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

Bloodnock: Please don't do that, then we set the table, left
everything as 	   it was and quietly slipped over the side and thud
me gripkins 	   that's what really happened, isn't that right me
harties

All: EYE!

Seagoon: But why did you do it

Bloodnock: Because we knew one day someone would offer a reward for
the 	   solution of the mystery and by Thunder it's happened,
hasn't it 	   me harties

All: EYE!

Seagoon: But why couldn't you just have told me, why come all this way

Bloodnock: Ahh some people'd never have believed me, me the sole of
honesty 	   isn't that right me harties 

(Pause)

Greenslade: HMS Gladys on the port bow sir

Seagoon: Splendid, on board is Captain Grytpipe-Thynne with the  Five
thousand pounds

Bloodnock: Right stand by to re-enact the Mystery lads, ahoy there HMS
Gladys Captain Grytpipe-Thynne, are you ready with the money.
Funny, AHOY HMS GLADYS

Eccles: HMS Gladys Ahooooyyyyyy

Seagoon: stand back Eccles, let me try, I used to be in the choir
(falsetto) 	 Ahoy there captain Grytpipe-Thynne!

Greenslade: Here is the news two day ago a crew underneath Admiral
Blodnock 	    boarded a Snoop, HMS Gladys on board all was
ship-shape and 	    there was no sign of life Neddy Seagoon is
offering five 	    	    thousand pounds for the solution of the
mystery of HMS Gladys

FX: Door Knocks

Seagoon: Come in

Grytpipe: Ahoy there matey, about the reward money for the solution of
HMS 	  Gladys

End Music