The Last Tram (from Clapham)

First broadcast on November 23, 1954

Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

Wallace:

 This is the BBC Home Service

Everyone:

 hysterical laughter

Harry:

 (still laughing) Did you hear that? The BBC Home Service?

Everyone:

 hysterical laughter

Wallace:

 Oh well, we present the happy-go-lucky, crazy, zany, wacky - Goon Show!

Everyone:

 dead silence

ORCHESTRA:

 INTRODUCTION PIECE

Harry:

 Ladies and gentlepong, that great and moving music leads us automatically to tram cars. On April the 5th 1952 London's last tram rolled in to the depot. Here to celebrate that occasion is a special radio documentary entitled - The Last Tram!

ORCHESTRA:

 GRAND LINK TUNE

GRAMS:

 TRAM MOVING, BELL RINGING, CHEERS

Peter:

 (BBC Announcer over Grams) And as I stand here on the great pavement there goes the last tram.

ORCHESTRA:

 STRAINED CHORD

Harry:

 That was the last tram. Those taking part were the Mayor of Westminster and the counsellors, and Alan Eagle led the Chelsea pensioners. Also taking part were the last tram driver Norris Lurker and the conductress Madje Thumd Leader for Beer. Produced by Melly Ball Shoeshine, script by William Shakespeare, edited by Jimmy Grafton, additional dialogue by Geraldo, the hotel bill was by Gilbert Harding.

Everyone:

 applauds and cheers

ORCHESTRA:

 TRAM THEME

Everyone:

 applauds and cheers

ORCHESTRA:

 TRAM THEME (EXACTLY THE SAME)

Everyone:

 applauds and cheers

ORCHESTRA:

 TRAM THEME (SAME, FADES OUT TO CHEERS)

GRAMS:

 MUSIC PLAYED WHEN BBC IS OFF THE AIR, WOBBLY

Wallace:

 We appear to have a little time in hand before the next programme, so here once again is the name of the last tram driver. It is Norris Lurker. In case any of you want to write it down it is spelt N O R R I S L U R K E R. The last tram was a 53A - F I F T Y T H R E E A Y E

Peter:

 (almost Grytpype, announcer) Listeners, this man is a fool. The last tram was not a 53A, the last tram was yet to come. The drama of its revelation started with an ordinary 49 and six-penny phone call.

GRAMS:

 (IN SEQUENCE) PRESSURE COOKER CORK BURSTING, RISING WHISTLE, SPLASH, HONOLULU MUSIC, TRAIN STEAMING IN, WOODEN BOX FALLING TO BITS, GERMANS SALUTING THEIR FUHRER, EXPLOSION, PIG NOISES, CORK POPS

Neddy:

 Answer that phone

Throat:

 Right

FX:

 PHONE PIECE LIFTED

Throat:

 Hello? It's for you, sir

Neddy:

 Thank you Miss Throat. Hello? London Pleasure Transport board, Transport House, Redundant Tram Department, Inspector Ned Seagoon speaking, laughs to himself, what!? Nonsense! Good-bye!

FX:

 PHONE PIECE SLAMMED DOWN

Neddy:

 (calling) Mr. Clench!

FX:

 FOOT STEPS RUNNING FROM AFAR TOWARDS MICROPHONE

Peter:

 (sucking up voice) Did you so much as call me, sir?

Neddy:

 Yes, take your tongue off my boot. Now, some fool just phoned up and said there is still a tram at large on the Highgate-Kingsway route

Peter:

 Oh, but that is impossible, sir. All trams have been melted down and made into melted down trams

Neddy:

 Every one?

Peter:

 All except the one you're living in, sir

Neddy:

 Wait! Wait, look! That tram map on the wall! There's still one flag-pin in it

Peter:

 Good Heavens! I had never noticed it before, sir

Neddy:

 What does it mean?

Peter:

 It means, that, that there is a tram still running. According to the flag it's a number 33

Neddy:

 When did he leave the depot?

Peter:

 1952

Neddy:

 He's running late! He's running terribly late

Peter:

 Yes

Neddy:

 I'd better check on this. Is my official car ready?

Peter:

 Yes, he's finished your shopping, sir. He'll be with you in just one moment now

Neddy:

 Splendid. Ere the night is out I'll have this number 33 in the sheds and quietly melted down. We don't want scandal, you know.

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Ray:

 Er, your car is ready, sir

Neddy:

 Thank you Gladys. Now come along, drive along the old 33 route and hurry, man.

Ray:

 Right, hold tight

FX:

 COCONUT SHELLS, VERY SLOW PACE

Ray:

 (over FX) Er, giddup there

Neddy:

 She's running well tonight

Ray:

 Yeah, considering we have a load of ashes on board

Neddy:

 Yes

Ray:

 Giddup there

Neddy:

 (panicking) Take it easy you mad fool! Do you want to kill us both?

Ray:

 No, only you

Neddy:

 Good, stop here Gladys. I want to go down the Kingsway subway (FX end), now you meet me the other side, I'll go on foot - in fact, I'll go on both feet

Peter:

 (announcer) The old Kingsway tram tunnel - inside it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily the tunnel was only 20 yards wide so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides.

GRAMS:

 DRIPPING WATER, ECHOED AS IN A TUNNEL

Neddy:

 (over Grams) Yes, it was very dark. Luckily I had remembered a 200 foot candle I had in my trouser pocket. Putting in a fresh battery I lit it, and there in the candlelight gleaming in the darkness was the hulk of a long forgotten tram. On the side I could see the number - 33. Carefully I climbed aboard the rusty platform

Henry:

 You can't get on here, it's not a request stop

Neddy:

 Good Heavens! Good Heavens, it's driver Henry Crun!

Henry:

 Yes, yes

Neddy:

 It was you who phoned. Now look here, Crun, this tram should have been on the scrap heap 2 and a half years ago

Henry:

 My 33 on the scrap heap!? Never, never! Tiddle-poo! Never, not until you afford us our just dues, and this is the last tram ceremony I'm talking about and a marble clock presentation

Neddy:

 It's impossible, driver Crun. Now look here, the last tram ceremony's over and done with and Norris Lurker has been presented with a marble clock. Now come on let's sneak old 33 quietly back to the sheds, ey?

Henry:

 No, no

Minnie:

 Henrrrrrry! Who's that down there?

Henry:

 A civil servant, Minnie

Minnie:

 Hit him! Hit him!

Neddy:

 Minnie Bannister, come down off the top-deck

Minnie:

 I can't

Neddy:

 Why not?

Minnie:

 I'm smoking. Any way, buddy, who are you?

Neddy:

 I'm from the tram depot

Minnie:

 It's thruppence from the tram depot, buddy

Neddy:

 Well I must ask you both to get off this tram

Minnie:

 Ba!

Neddy:

 I command you!

Minnie and Henry:

 Piddle-Pooh!

Henry:

 Abandon my lovely tram in mid-route? Never! I must think of my passenger

Neddy:

 Mr. Crun, you've been down here two and a half years, who would be idiot enough to be passenger all that time?

Eccles:

 Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Let me know when we get to my stop and Kingsway, won't you?

Neddy:

 Come along, get off, you

Eccles:

 What what? Me off? Do you know who you're talking to?

Neddy:

 Who?

Eccles:

 You've heard of the Duke of Norfolk

Neddy:

 Yes

Eccles:

 Well I'm - Eccles!

Neddy:

 Eccles?

Eccles:

 Yup

Neddy:

 Are you elated to the Duke of Norfolk?

Eccles:

 Nope, but I had you worried for a moment (laughs to himself)

Neddy:

 I'm sure you had the Duke worried for a moment, too. Now come along, off you get

Eccles:

 But I booked to Kingsway, here's my ticket!

Neddy:

 He's booked to Kingsway, yes. Curse! He's within his rights. Driver Crun, you will have to drive this man to his destination

Henry:

 Not unless you promise us the last tram ceremony

Minnie:

 Hit him! Hit him!

Henry:

 And the marble clock

Neddy:

 This is mutiny! This is going to lose me my job, you know? It's going to mean a Royal commission and - I'll have to speak to the governors, that's all. Meantime here's driver Max Geldray to play a 34 trolley bus

MUSIC:

 MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA

ORCHESTRA:

 DRAMATIC LINK

Wallace:

 The Last Tram, Part Two. A meeting of the country and town planning society

Everyone:

 meeting mumbling

Grytpype:

 Next item, blocks of flats to be built on the sight of the old Kingsway tram subway

Spike:

 Bravvvo!

Grytpype:

 Yes. Of the 10,000 tenders I have given the contract to F Bogg and company

Spike:

 Isn't that, er, isn't that your wife's brother?

Grytpype:

 clears throat uncomfortably

FX:

 PISTOL SHOT

Spike:

 Ahh!

Grytpype:

 Any more questions? Good! Now what I want to see -

FX:

 DOOR OPENED QUICKLY AND VIOLENTLY

Neddy:

 Gentlemen! (catches breath) Stop the meeting!

Spike:

 What's going on here? You can't do this!

Grytpype:

 Do you have to burst in here? If you must burst please do it in a convenient place

Neddy:

 Ying-tong-iddle-I-po!

Everyone:

 Good!

Neddy:

 My name is Ned Seagoon

Grytpype:

 Oh yes, the horror comic

Neddy:

 I'm chief of the redundant tram department. I have grave news for you all - you can't build the flats on the old Kingsway subway!

Grytpype:

 Can't build - but I've already had the dropsy from the - (clears throat uncomfortably) - um, why not?

Neddy:

 There's a 33 Tram down there

Grytpype:

 Well, get it out

Neddy:

 I want to, I've got to, but this crew refuse to drive it until they are afforded another last tram ceremony

Grytpype:

 Another ceremony? Dear, dear

Spike:

 (cockney?) If all of these flats, I said, I said, them flats have got to go up because I can't sleep in Hyde Park any longer. They've got to go up

Grytpype:

 Of course, of course. Seagoon, we'll do this tram but secretly and on the cheap, we don't want any questions asked

Neddy:

 Right

Grytpype:

 This man does all functions at half price, here's his card

Neddy:

 Let me see. Oh! Major Bloodnok!

ORCHESTRA:

 BLOODNOK THEME TUNE

Major:

 Ooooh! Aaaah! There, Moriarty! I'll pay pontoons only

Moriarty:

 I don't believe! We're playing chess!

Major:

 Oh, I thought the cards were a funny shape

FX:

 KNOCKING ON DOOR

Major:

 The police!

Moriarty:

 Bloodnok, there are other people

Major:

 Not in my life

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Neddy:

 Good evening, I'm looking for Major Dennis Bloodnok

Major:

 (gulps) He's upstairs, dangerously ill

Neddy:

 Who are you?

Major:

 I am his identical twin brother Fred

Neddy:

 Pity, I had a paid job for him

Major:

 I'll go upstairs and see if he's better

GRAMS:

 WHOOSH!

FX:

 DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

Major:

 Ooh! Aah! My identical twin brother Fred has just told me you wish to see me. Now to business.

Neddy:

 We want you to do a cut-price Lord Mayor's last tram ceremony. It must be hush-hush or there'll be questions asked and I'll get the sack

Major:

 Sealed lips Bloodnok! Now what's the, er -

Neddy:

 10 pounds

Major:

 10 - Moriarty, phone the mansion house

Neddy:

 Remember, it's all very hush-hush, so be there at 8.45 tomorrow night at Kingsway tram subway

Major:

 Right, yes, yes, yes, yes. Good-bye!

Neddy:

 Good-bye

FX:

 DOOR SHUTS

Major:

 (sings to himself) Moriarty, are you through yet?

Moriarty:

 Just a minute. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mansion House?

Lou:

 (other end of phone) Yes, yes, yes

Moriarty:

 Lord Mayor?

Lou:

 Who else?

Moriarty:

 Listen, Gus. We want to borrow the Lord Mayor's robes for tomorrow

Lou:

 Oooh well, let me have them back straight after, only Sir Winston wants them for a fancy dress ball, you see. Well I've got to go now, someone wants an 'aircut

ORCHESTRA:

 HARP LINK

Spike:

 During that phone conversation how many of you noticed that Neddy Seagoon had gone down to the subway again? Hmm? You must watch these points

Neddy:

 Hello, Mr. Crun? We've arranged the last tram ceremony. Tonight at 8.45, in 15 minutes time.

Henry:

 Oh, Minnie? Take the beds down

Minnie:

 I can't

Henry:

 Why not?

Minnie:

 I've just got in

Henry:

 Well stay in bed now you're there, just bring my bed down

Minnie:

 Which one is yours, Henry?

Henry:

 The one I'm not in, Min

Minnie:

 Which one is that?

Henry:

 The one I'm not in, Min

Minnie:

 But you're not in either bed Henry

Henry:

 Aaaah!

Neddy:

 Thank you Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray. Now come along, drive this tram out of here

Henry:

 I can't there's no electricity, they turned it off at the mains

Neddy:

 Good Heavens! I have to account for that tram. I'll have to go and get the electricity laid on. Meanwhile here's old steam-driven Ray Ellington and his lurgi-ridden four

MUSIC:

 RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "I CAN'T TELL A WALTZ FROM A TANGO"

Spike:

 Thank you, thank you. While Mr. Ellington was singing that number how many of you noticed that Seagoon had gone to the country and town planners, ey? You must watch it you know

Neddy:

 So the tram is rusted to the rails and can not be moved until the electricity is through

Grytpype:

 Well, we shall have to build over it, that's all

Neddy:

 No, no. You can't do that, I'd lose my job. I've got to account for all the trams, you know?

Grytpype:

 I'm sorry, laddie, I'm sorry, my job is to build those flats on Kingsway subway and we must start building or the bricks will start to perish

Neddy:

 But you can't!

Grytpype:

 Yes. Look, it's up to you to get your tram out of there before the tunnel is sealed up

Neddy:

 What? What? Before the tunnel is sealed up? I must hurry

GRAMS:

 WHOOSH

Spike:

 Meantime, at the London Basheer Transport Board, redundant tram depot section 3

Major:

 Where's that double-crossing Seagoon? I'll give him last tram ceremony! I'll -

Spike:

 (Indian) Pardon me, I am his secretary, sir

Major:

 Where's his dufter?

Spike:

 His dufter is in there but -

Major:

 Out of my way

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Major:

 Now, Seagoon! I've been at the subway entrance waiting all night for that blasted tram to come out! You're a no-good, low-down, jumped- up, never-come-down naughty man! And I'd call you worse if it wasn't for the fact that you're not here! Aaaah! What's this on his desk? A nice little petty-cash box

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Spike:

 (upper-class voice) Oh, I'm sorry sir

Major:

 How dare you accuse me of stealing from the petty-cash box!

Spike:

 I'm the new boy sir, I've just brought the departmental wages

Major:

 (shouting) I'm not interested in the department! - (friendly) Leave them here, lad

Spike:

 Would you care to just sign here, sir?

Major:

 The greatest of pleasure (FX: SCRATCH OF PEN ON PAPER OVER NAME) Ned Seagoon. There. How much did you say was here?

Spike:

 £20,000

Major:

 Ooooh! I wonder where Neddy is

Neddy:

 Ned, dear listeners, was struggling to get the electricity to the tram. But I needed assistance

Bluebottle:

 I heard you call me, my cap-i-tain. Enter Bluebottle, gives ting on tram conductor's set, pauses for audience's sausages, not a clapper in the house. Thinks, this is a good start.

Neddy:

 Dear little skin and bones Hercules, you came in the nick of time

Bluebottle:

 No I did not, I came in the council dust cart. Points to portion of old fish bones still stuck to seat of trousers. Doot-doot-doot- doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-ey! Sharp bones!

Neddy:

 Little dirty pipe-cleaner legs, take these electricity cables down the subway

Bluebottle:

 I will do it, my cap-i-tain, I will. Carefully puts horror comic in secret pocket. Picks up electric cable. Farewell my - Tee- Hee! Hee-hee-hee! Cap-i-tain?

Neddy:

 What, lad?

Bluebottle:

 Cap-i-tain? You would not turn on he dreaded electricity on while little Bluen-bottle is still holding the wires? You would not do that to your little Bluen-bottle, would you, cap-i-tain?

Neddy:

 I give you my word as a Chinese gentleman

Bluebottle:

 I know my little Chine captain would not lie to me. Enters tunnel. Does dignified slow walk as done by Alan Lad in "The Black Knight", but effect is ruined by fish bones still hanging on trousers.

Harry:

 (Welsh worker) Where's that lad going?

Bluebottle:

 Oh, hello Mr. Workman!

Harry:

 What are you doing down here?

Bluebottle:

 This is a good game, isn't it? Tee-Hee!

Harry:

 You can't hang about down here, we're working, we mumbles to himself

Bluebottle:

 Oh, that is a rude naughty sign. Moves away from rough nasty workman.

Harry:

 Go on, be off, or I'll bang you with this shovel! I don't know what's going on here, I don't. Jock!

Spike:

 (Irish) What's it, my darling boy?

Harry:

 Connect up the electricity

Spike:

 Darling boy, it's not on, it's not through, darling

Harry:

 Ooh, these flats will need lighting, you know, there should be a couple of thousand volts through, throw the switch any-road

FX:

 METAL SWITCH TURNED

GRAMS:

 STRONG ELECTRIC CURRENT RUNNING THROUGH FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Bluebottle:

 Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! Eaugh! You rotten workmen swine you! You have deaded me with the dreaded electric voltages! Look, my beautiful nut is all singed! Points to badly blackened bonce doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Thud! Sound of ear 'ole falling off.

Harry:

 You shouldn't be don here while we're building, now get out before I fetch you one with this shovel

Bluebottle:

 I shall tell my teacher, Miss Cringing-Draws about you! I will! You just wait 'til she gives me back my cardboard atomic ray- gun! You will writhe in agony as the radioactive particles enter through your -

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Bluebottle:

 Hey!

Harry:

 You asked for that

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Harry:

 Oooh!

Bluebottle:

 So have you! Hee-hee-hee! I have re-veng-ed the honour of the Bluebottles! Exits left in blackened rags, flattened bonce, loose knees and spare shins in satchel. Victory! Hooray! Exits left on corporation sewage cart - pooh!

Harry:

 I don't know what's going on down here, I'll tell you that for nothing

Wallace:

 Pardon me, I'm from the BBC

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Wallace:

 Oooh!

Harry:

 That's for the TV programmes you give us!

Wallace:

 You rotten devil, you! You hit-ted poor little Wallace Greenslade with a shovel! Nearly deading me! Points to lump on crust doot- doot-doot

Bluebottle:

 Greenslade you swine you! You're pinching my lovely little act! I'll get you at playtime with Terry

Wallace:

 Tell me dad!

Neddy:

 What's going on here?

Wallace:

 Oh, sir, the BBC has just heard about the new last tram ceremony and would like to broadcast it

Neddy:

 No, no, you mustn't! It's supposed to be secret!

Wallace:

 Oh don't worry, no one will hear it, sir, it's on the home-service

Neddy:

 Thank Heaven for that. Yes, well you'll find all the reception committee waiting at the far end of the tunnel. Now I'll go down and get Mr. Crun going

ORCHESTRA:

 TRAM THEME TUNE

Spike:

 Just thought you'd like to hear it again

Henry:

 Mmmn! Are you all packed, Minnie?

Minnie:

 Yes, I'm in my box, Henry

Henry:

 I'll just put the lid on

Neddy:

 Ah, Mr. Crun!

Minnie:

 Hit him!

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Neddy:

 Oooh! Give me that shovel! Now look here, the electricity's on so start driving her out. We've only got 5 minutes to get the ceremony over before the builders seal the tunnel

Eccles:

 Oh good! Don't forget to put me over at Kingsway because when I get there -

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Eccles:

 I've got a lot of things to do there. Ooow!

Neddy:

 Now shut up!

Henry:

 Hold tight!

FX:

 CONDUCTOR'S BELL

Wallace:

 Stop! Stop! Mr. Seagoon, Mr. Seagoon there's no-one at the end of the subway at all

Neddy:

 No - No last tram reception committee?

Wallace:

 No, no

Minnie:

 Hit him!

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD

Neddy:

 Ooh! Look here, committee or no committee I'm driving this tram out. Jump on, Greenslade! On second thoughts, jump on the tram!

GRAMS:

 TRAM RUNNING

Neddy:

 (over Grams) I'll show them Ned Seagoon's the master

Wallace:

 You're Seagoon? I Think I should mention that there's a black moray at the entrance waiting for you

Neddy:

 Why?

Wallace:

 Absconding with the departmental wages

Neddy:

 Stop the tram! Crun how do you stop the tram?

Minnie:

 Hit him!

FX:

 METAL HAMMER HITTING SOMETHING HARD TWICE OVER SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER

ORCHESTRA:

 THEME TUNE

Wallace:

 That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA:

 FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT