First broadcast on December 28, 1954 (recorded 19th)
Script by Spike Milligan
and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott
| Wallace: | This is the BBC |
| Throat: | Cor Blimey! |
| ORCHESTRA: | "JINGLE BELLS" |
| Peter: | (Shakespearean) 'Tis Christmas, and in every home are sounds of revelry and good cheer. But alas outside - |
| GRAMS: | SNOW BLIZZARD OVER SPEECH |
| Peter: | Outside in the driving snow a lone tragic ragged figure stumbles through the icy streets, his thin frost-bitten fingers clutching the thread-bare overcoat. He stumbles into a decrepit hobble ignoring the poor wretches who lay groaning on the straw-covered floor. He staggers in, lets fall his ragged coat, lurches forward and says - |
| Harry: | Welcome to the Goon Show! |
| GRAMS: | A LONE WAILER |
| Harry: | Thank you listener. We present on the curved new speaker radio set Ye Bandits Of Sherwood Forest |
| ORCHESTRA: | GRAND OPENING |
| Wallace: | Doncaster late in the 12th century, 'tis December and the snow covered coaching yard of the Bowman's Inn is thronged with travellers each awaiting to go his journ |
| Grytpype: | Oh coach master, a word I pray |
| Harry: | (country accent) Coming sir! Ah 'tis the Sheriff of Nottingham. A pleasure to talk to the only real gentleman here |
| Grytpype: | Oh really? |
| Harry: | Yes, that's him over there by the wall. Wallace the Greenslade |
| Grytpype: | Hmm, forsooth this day I shall travel to Nottingham, I wish to buy a ticket for the coach |
| Harry: | Coach don't need a ticket, it travels free (laughs) |
| Grytpype: | Ye good joke |
| Peter: | (cockney) Now belt up will ya! |
| Grytpype: | Baggage boy!? Baggage boy!? |
| Eccles: | Hello. Didst thou call, sire? |
| Grytpype: | Long thin lad put my three bags on top of the coach for nothing |
| Eccles: | Forsooth I will do that, I say sooth, sooth, sooth, sooth and - sooth! |
| Grytpype: | What manner of an idiot is this that keeps saying sooth? |
| Eccles: | Little does he know I'm a soothsayer! (laughs) Now don't hit me now! Ouch, what was that? |
| Grytpype: | Just my little foot. Now get those bags and - |
| Eccles: | Okay, I got the bags, I'll get all the bags, I've done this before you know!? |
| F.X. | HEAVY OBJECTS BEING MOVED |
| Eccles: | Steady on, I'll get them up, I've done this before you know? I'll just get them up there! (distant) There you are all safe and sound on top. Oooh! I forgot the bags! I'll come down and - |
| Grytpype: | No no no, stay there and I'll throw them up to you. Here's one – two - three. Got them? |
| Harry: | Excuse me sir, could you give us a hand around the other side of the coach? |
| Grytpype: | Why? |
| Harry: | There's a lad lying down with 3 cases on top of him |
| Grytpype: | Idiot! Idiot! |
| Eccles: | OK, it's okay sire, I didn't hurt myself |
| Grytpype: | Well jump again |
| Eccles: | I fell on this old woman |
| Wallace: | I'm not an old woman |
| Eccles: | I'm sorry, I meant this old man |
| Wallace: | I'm not an old woman or an old man |
| Eccles: | Oooh! |
| Wallace: | I'm a young man |
| Harry and Eccles: | (laugh) Ye good joke! |
| Peter: | (very camp) Hark ye all! Hark ye all! The coach for Nottingham leaves but quick, do you hear me? So quickly! |
| Harry: | Everyone aboard |
| Everyone: | Good-bye! |
| Harry: | Next stop Sherwood Forest |
| ORCHESTRA: | CHEERFUL LINK |
| GRAMS: | CARRIAGE ROLLING ALONG OVER SPEECH |
| Minnie: | snores Oh dear! I must have dozed off. Where are we, pray, gentlemen? |
| Grytpype: | We're in Sherwood Forest, madam. Pity you're not younger |
| Minnie: | Oh! Oh dear! What's become of the long, thin lad? |
| Grytpype: | I threw him out of the coach a mile back |
| Minnie: | What in heaven made you do that, sir? |
| Grytpype: | I don't know, just high spirits I suppose |
| Minnie: | The poor, poor lad, lost in the forest the wolves will get him |
| GRAMS: | CARRIAGE SCREECHES TO A HALT |
| Bloodnok: | Stand and deliver! Hands up or I'll split your grotkin in each quarter! |
| Minnie: | Oh mercy! It's an outlaw! |
| Bloodnok: | I warn you madam, one step nearer and I'll scream |
| Wallace: | Art thou one of Robin Hood's men? |
| Bloodnok: | I art, me name is Friar Balsam |
| Wallace: | What luck! Oh indeed, what luck! I wish to join your band, I play the saxophone |
| Bloodnok: | Oh, just what we need, right we shall keep you. Now churchman you may ride anon? |
| Harry: | Giddup! |
| FX: | HORSE GALLOPS OFF (COCONUT SHELLS GETTING FASTER) INTO DISTANCE |
| Bloodnok: | Now then my lad, from now on you will be known as Little John and - |
| Neddy: | Ahoy there my merry men, it is I Robin Hood né Neddy Seagoon known as handsome Harry plus Harry Secombe now playing in pantomime (singing) Be my love! Falling in love with love is like falling for make-believe! Maria! (stops singing) More! More? Thank you, more! |
| Grytpype: | Come along Robin there's no need to be so shy. Robin this is our new recruit |
| Neddy: | Welcome to the band, I'll have you fitted for a suit of lingering green. Call Nobby the tailor! |
| Peter: | (Jewish) Yes, what is it doubling? |
| Neddy: | Measure this man |
| Peter: | Why, is he dead? |
| Neddy: | For a suit |
| Peter: | Oh a suit, alright then. Elcon, you got the tape? Good. Right then - and the chalk Elci - er chest 17 including shoulders, waist 56 - 'ere you're a bit of a nosher ain't you? Never mind it's nice to see it on you - Right arm 18, left arm 28 - now then inside leg - |
| Wallace: | Oooooh! |
| Peter: | Sorry! That's all now, half a nicker to you |
| Wallace: | I refuse to be seen wearing half a nicker! |
| Eccles: | Here here here! Ooh help! |
| Neddy: | It's Will Eccles, what's happened? |
| Eccles: | The Sheriff of Nottingham, he threw me out of the coach, clung! But there's something else: his men have captured Maid Marion |
| Neddy: | Oh no! Maid Marion, she's the most beautiful girl in the world! |
| Bloodnok: | You must rescue her |
| Neddy: | Yes. I must rescue her, she's so beautiful! |
| Bloodnok: | It will mean certain death for you |
| Neddy: | I don't know, she wasn't that pretty. I wonder where they're keeping her |
| Eccles: | Where they're keeping her? In the forest of course, because there's plenty of good hiding places there, my dad used to take me there |
| Neddy: | What for? |
| Eccles: | A good hiding - Ha ha! |
| Bloodnok: | You're all cowards, do you hear me? The fair Maid Marion must be rescued at all costs. Will Eccles, saddle my horse |
| Neddy: | Max Geldray strap on a perforated mackerel sheet - go! |
| MUSIC: | MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA |
| ORCHESTRA: | RAPID LINK |
| Marion: | Oh no, no! No! |
| Grytpype: | Get in there you naughty Maid Marion |
| Marion: | Sheriff of Nottingham take your hands off in the next 3 hours |
| Grytpype: | Little Spitfire! |
| Marion: | Fie, oh fie! Mr. R. Hood will hit thee blat thum zapee zockit. He learnt all his boxing from comic strips. Have you ever seen a comic strip? |
| Grytpype: | Only in a Turkish Bath |
| Marion: | I don't wish to knowest that |
| Grytpype: | In that case goodbye-est! |
| FX: | HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT |
| Marion: | Oh! Sobs of despair! Sobs! Locked in this dark dungeon with nothing but an old straw television set! This is the chamber of torture. Oh woe! Oh misery! Fie! |
| Peter: | The part of Maid Marion is being played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell and a ripe little hand she's proving. Pray, continue |
| Marion: | But I know my fiancé Robin Hood will rescue me anon |
| Neddy: | Psssst! |
| Marion: | What is that pssst I hear? |
| Neddy: | Pssst! |
| Marion: | How do you spell it? |
| Neddy: | Pe ss tte! |
| Marion: | That's how my Robin spells his pssst. Is that you, Robin, come to rescue me? |
| Neddy: | Yessssst |
| Marion: | Where are you my clever one? |
| Neddy: | Chained to the wall behind you. The truth is I'm a prisoner. My arms are chained |
| Marion: | Are your legs chained? |
| Neddy: | No |
| Marion: | Then let's dance, Robin! |
| ORCHESTRA: | LOUNGE DANCE MUSIC OVER SPEECH |
| Marion: | Oh you waltz divinely! |
| Neddy: | Do you come here often? Stop! (ORCHESTRA STOPS) Stop this mad soiree |
| Marion: | But you're so handsome |
| Neddy: | I know, isn't it a bore? But we must escape. Wait, this stone I'm chained to, it's loose, I can feel a draft. Hnnnnnnn Hnnnnn Hnnn. Ah! I've done it! |
| Marion: | What? |
| Neddy: | Taken an aspirin, don't ant to catch cold |
| Marion: | Robin, try and pull the stone out, beloved! |
| Neddy: | My arms are chained but my teeth aren't! Place the chain betwixt my teeth |
| Marion: | There, it is twixt. Now pull, Robin! |
| Neddy: | Right. Hnnnn, it's coming I think, hnnn |
| Marion: | That's it, Robin, beloved, pull! Let those strong white teeth pull us to freedom |
| FX: | SET OF TEETH FALLING ON THE FLOOR |
| Neddy: | Well don't just stand there! Pick them up! |
| Marion: | Robin you pulled the stone out! Let's go through to freedom. Follow me. Oh! It is dark in here. Oooh! Robin, please! |
| Neddy: | It wasn't me |
| Marion: | Then who else? |
| Eccles: | There's more than one prisoner in here |
| Neddy: | 'Tis the noble Eccles. What are you doing here? |
| Eccles: | Six months! |
| Neddy: | You captured too? |
| FX: | HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED |
| Marion: | It's the sheriff! |
| Grytpype: | Yes, I've come to take you, Maid Marion |
| Neddy: | Brat Tum Zanne Blum Thud Biff Plod Wallop Blam Blat Socco! There, let that be a lesson to you! Blat! |
| Grytpype: | You silly twisted boy, you! Come Maid |
| FX: | GUST OF WIND EXHALED FROM MOUTH |
| Grytpype: | Who blew my candle out? |
| Bloodnok: | Don't move, sheriff, or this club will mash your nugglers |
| Neddy: | It's Friar Balsam let the sheriff have it |
| Everyone: | (thuds and screams of fighting) |
| Marion: | My Robin is in there! |
| Bloodnok: | Now, you swine, had enough? |
| Eccles: | Yup, I've had enough' |
| Bloodnok: | Eccles! Where's the sheriff? |
| Neddy: | I've got him by the throat, help me! |
| Bloodnok: | No! |
| Neddy: | Why not? |
| Bloodnok: | My throat! |
| FX: | HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT |
| Bloodnok: | Flatter me nurtures with crodge, he's got away with Maid Marion |
| Eccles: | Oooh! |
| FX: | PHONE RINGS |
| Peter: | (American) I'll get it, baby. Hello? It' for you |
| Neddy: | Hello? Robin Hood here |
| Peter: | (Jewish, on other end) Hello. Listen listen, Ernie Cash here. Listen, the sheriff's been on the blower to me from the Wintervere and he says unless you pay him 2000 pounds ransom he's going to kill ya |
| Neddy: | 2000 pounds? What will I do? |
| Peter: | Offer him 1750 and take a chance on it |
| Neddy: | I haven't got a penny on me |
| Peter: | Don't worry, don't worry schoomaker I sent the geezer on his way with the stuff to get you out of schmuck |
| Neddy: | Thank you, thank you, you've saved my life |
| Peter: | Well we all make mistakes. Good-bye |
| Neddy: | All's well. Ellington, tell us why you're in prison as well |
| MUSIC: | RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET |
| Wallace: | (singing) Oh what a night, what a night it was! It really was! I believe for every drop of rain that falls someone gets wet (stops singing) Yes Greensladers it's your very own Wallace Greenslade singing to you again and don't forget - you too can have a signed photograph of Wallace Greenslade for only 3 guineas. So, fan club, keep those cheques rolling in, old Wallace will find a use for them. So 'til next time this is Mr. Rhythm Greenslade saying chigidi-boo-boo rock-holy-coo-coo obi-doobi-doo chiggidy-snitch 2 4 6 8 who do we appreciate? Greenslade! |
| GRAMS: | CHEERS AND WHISTLES |
| Wallace: | Stop! (GRAMS stop) Thank you. And now to the rest of the B- feature - Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest. Maid Marion played by Miss Charlotte Mitchell part 3, the sheriff's bank |
| Marion: | Oh woe! Fie! Prithee! Oh zounds! Hither hither! Help! I am undone! Oh streuth! Agony! Whither art thou Robin? Oh Robin where are you? |
| Peter: | The part of Maid Marion is still being played by Miss Mitchell |
| Grytpype: | Fair damsel, pray do not sulk. Eat? |
| Marion: | No I'm not hungry |
| Grytpype: | Not surprising after that dirty big kipper you woofed. Now then, my dear, what I - |
| Marion: | Oh Hot Rodkin, sir! Leave me alone! I love Robin! |
| Grytpype: | You hot little bundle, you! Let me hold you |
| FX: | VIOLIN STRING SNAPS |
| Grytpype: | My, you are highly strung! But attractive |
| Marion: | Oh zooms! |
| Grytpype: | You mean zounds |
| Marion: | No it only zounds like zoom |
| Grytpype: | Oh, ye good joke, yes. What do you say, Baron Fred? |
| Harry: | hums a tune drunkenly |
| Grytpype: | He doesn't seem to care |
| Harry: | Pardon me, sire, but there is a prisoner outside |
| Grytpype: | Is he bound? |
| Harry: | Of his health I know not, sir |
| Grytpype: | Well send him in |
| Ray: | Come on, come on this way you! In you get! Now, get on your knees there, son! |
| Bluebottle: | Stop it you. You hurted little me. Enter Bluebottle in doublet made out of Mum's old draws. These sausages, tee-hee! |
| Moriarty: | Silence! I speak for the Sheriff of Nottingham. Who are you? |
| Bluebottle: | I'm a member of Robin Hood's gang |
| Moriarty: | Sapristi! |
| Bluebottle: | I ran away to join him because I was a surf |
| Moriarty: | Tell me, little serf, why have you got a saddle strapped to you back? |
| Bluebottle: | That's for surf riding! Tee-hee! I made a little jokule! Hee-hee! |
| Ray: | Silence, you! |
| Moriarty: | Sapristi crumpet knuckles, now listen! Tell us, what is your position here? |
| Bluebottle: | Can't you see I'm kneeling down? |
| Moriarty: | Speak the truth |
| Bluebottle: | I have broughted the ransom money to free my master Robin Hood |
| Moriarty: | I understand perfectly, but where is the money little string-bonce- yeoman? |
| Bluebottle: | First you must free Robin |
| Moriarty: | Tie him to a stake! |
| Bluebottle: | No! Do not tie me to a stake |
| Moriarty: | Why not? |
| Bluebottle: | I'm a vegetarian |
| Moriarty: | Alright, stop it man, listen to me, drink this! |
| Bluebottle: | No I must not drink alcoholic drinkies, I'm a minor |
| Moriarty: | I don't care if you're a navvy, drink! |
| Bluebottle: | Well, as you asked me so nicely and also because you're holding a dirty big chopper on top of my nut I'll have to drink it, won't I? Thinks: this must be the dreaded deading of Bluebottle part. Boo-hoo! Good luck to you. Picks up cardboard goblet and drinks. Gulp! |
| GRAMS: | WHOOSH, KETTLE WHISTLE, WHOOSH, BOING, WHOOSH, BIG BEN STRIKES, CAT SHRIEKS, WHOOSH |
| Bluebottle: | Tee-hee! That was jolly nice that was! I thought that was going to dead me, but I was wrong |
| GRAMS: | BIG EXPLOSION |
| Bluebottle: | You rotten Norman swine you! There was dynamite in my drinkies, look my knees have dropped! Exits left with low knees, high groin and shattered boots |
| Neddy: | Oh no, stop! hark ye, I am here! |
| Marion: | It's my fiancé Robin |
| Neddy: | Belt-up, you! 'Tis I Robin! Freed by Wallace the Greenslade. Come men, attack the sheriff! |
| Everyone: | Blang Bong Thud Whee Blut Zowee Blunge |
| Bloodnok: | Oh Robin, we can't keep this up much longer, will they never arrive? |
| Neddy: | Who? |
| Bloodnok: | Those blasted sound-effects men. Blunge Thog |
| Neddy: | Let me help. Blat |
| Marion: | My fiancé did that |
| Neddy: | Thud |
| Marion: | My fiancé did that |
| Moriarty: | Blat and Bonk |
| Marion: | My fiancé copped that |
| Neddy: | Blat. My fiancé copped that |
| Grytpype: | Stop, Robin Hood. Robin, call your men off, you win, you win, you win. Your thuds blats and wallops were far louder than ours. Maid Marion is all yours |
| Neddy: | Friar Crun? |
| Henry: | Yes, coming, coming |
| Neddy: | A wedding, let two be joined as one |
| Henry: | Stand there, both. Now do you take this - um - what is it? |
| Marion: | Man |
| Henry: | Take this man to be your husband? |
| Marion: | Yes |
| Henry: | Yes, and do you take this woman as your wife |
| Wallace: | Yes I do |
| Henry: | Pronounced man and wife 5 shillings please |
| Neddy: | Stop! You married the wrong man! |
| Wallace: | Oh yeah! 2 4 6 8est - who do girls appreciatest? |
| Marion: | Greenslade! |
| GRAMS: | CHEERS AND WHISTLES |
| ORCHESTRA: | END THEME TUNE |
| Wallace: | That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Charlotte Mitchell with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. |
| ORCHESTRA: | FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT |