Series 5, Episode 15, Broadcast 4 January 1955 1985 Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service Peter: Big Brother is watching you! Eccles: Oooh! FX: GONG STRIKES Harry: Listeners, you are warned! This programme is not to be listened to! insane laughter Bluebottle: Eaugh! Tee-Hee! I don't like this game Wallace: The BBC would like to caution parents, this programme is unsuitable for the very young, the very old, the middle-aged, those just going off, those on the turn, young dogs and ornament John Snagge FX: GONG STRIKES Spike: This is the story of the year 1985 Everyone: wails and weeps GRAMS: GENTLE DANCING MUSIC FADES IN AND OUT Neddy: My name is 846 Winston Seagoon, I am a worker in the great news collecting centre of the Big Brother Corporation, or as you knew it the BBC! In every room is a TV screen that gives out a stream of orders Peter: Attention, people of England state thanks to derationing and the free market, the price of tea has now gone down to 85 guineas a quarter, and here is good news for state housewives, the following goods are now in the shops: plastic and saw-dust elephant night-shirts, second- hand complete parachutes, artificial explodable wooden bloomers, men's self-igniting tail-less shirts with anti-thunder sheet attachment. There are unlimited supplies in the shops! Eccles: Ooh, it's good to be alive, in 1985! Peter: Now here is announcer 283947625324769854327618976/2 Neddy: Good old Greenslade! Wallace: Special interest to BBC workers, by mixing water with earth our scientists have invented - mud! It's now on sale in the BBC canteen under the name of macaroni-a-grata or coffee! Neddy: Big fat slob, get off the screen! GRAMS: WHOOSH! Gryptype: Worker Seagoon, did I hear you complaining? Neddy: Oh, Gryptype: You're not complaining about our new BBC TV are you? Neddy: No, I - Gryptype: What is the finest TV programme in the world? Neddy: Kaleidoscope Gryptype: You are forgiven. As a penance you will put a copy of the Radio Times in your window. Don't forget to watch tonight's programme Neddy: Oh yes, "Ask Son of Pickles" Gryptype: Yes, tonight he hopes to have a one-legged dying eskimo play the piano for him. Now, everybody, face the TV screen, time for the Hate Half Hour Spike: Attention all! Coming on the screen now is the one man you must hate, the sworn enemy of the Big Brother Corporation: this is him! Peter: (Jewish) Listen, listen. Don't believe them, BBC workers, rise and overthrow your masters before it's too late. I will lead you against them. Strike now! Revolt! Neddy: So this was Horace Minnick, leader of the ITA Peter: Join the Independent Television Army now! Everybody: Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Spike: Stop! Now here is a special announcement from Big Brother ORCHESTRA: GRAND TRUMPET REVEILLE Peter: BBC workers, the canteen is now open, lunch is ready, doctors are standing by Neddy: As I sat at my table eating my boiled water I began to hate Big Brother Corporation Eccles: Hey Winston, guess what I found in my dinner Neddy: What? Eccles: Food! Oh it's good to be alive, in 1985! Neddy: Poor producer fool, still 60 years with "The Huggits" would turn anyone Peter: (woman) I love you darling! Eccles: I love you, too, darling Peter: Not you 213 Eccles, you, 846 Winston Neddy: You're a woman aren't you? Peter: Yes Neddy: Thank Heaven! You've got to be careful these days Peter: 846 Winston, darling, I've loved you from afar! Neddy: My favourite distance! But who are you? Peter: I'm 612, Miss Snutt, I operate the pornograph machine in the forbidden records department . I love you, do you hear me? Neddy: No, love is not for us Peter: No? Neddy: Love is only for the higher income group: John Snagge, Audrey Callingham, Paul Fenulay Peter: Let's take a chance, let's meet somewhere under the moon alone. We can clasp each other to each other and then oooooh! Eccles: Oooooh! It's good to be alive, in 1985! Neddy: Shut up Eccles! Eccles: Shut up Eccles! Neddy: Now, darling, where? Peter: Somewhere where no-one is listening Neddy: I know the place, Home Service 8.30 Tuesday night Peter: You mean the forbidden Goon sector? Neddy: Yes. Wait, that belt you're wearing Peter: That's the anti-sex league belt Neddy: Well I don't think I'll come Peter: No no! But you too are wearing the anti-sex league belt Neddy: I was forced to Peter: Why? Neddy: My trousers kept falling down Peter: 'Til Tuesday, darling! FX: COCONUT SHELLS GALLOPING OFF Neddy: 'Til Tuesday! There she goes, little fairy. That night in my room I sat out of range of the TV screen. I love Snutt and I hate Big Brother. I wrote it in my diary: I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKS IT UP Neddy: Hello? Peter: (Groucho Marx on other end of phone) Don't tell anyone, but I hate BB too! Neddy: Who are you, Ben Lion? Peter: No, I was, but the script was altered Neddy: Karl Marx! So there was an underground movement, I must try and find it. I stood in the street, pausing only to hear worker Geldray play a perforated haddock sock at a slope MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA "IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME" Neddy: And so I entered the forbidden Goon sector of London hoping to contact a member of the ITA. Once there I went into the notorious public house "The Grovener" FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR GRAMS: GLASS SMASHED, BAR ROOM SINGING IN GERMAN, GLASS SMASHED OVER RECORD Bloodnok: (over GRAMS) Now lads, I know you're all enjoying yourselves, but silence please, silence for the cabaret (GRAMS STOP). I have pleasure in presenting those glamorous grandmothers the three Beverley Sisters FX: GUN SHOT Bloodnok: Correction, the Beverley Twins! FX: GUN SHOT Bloodnok: Miss Beverley will sing - FX: GUN SHOT Bloodnok: Everybody dance! ORCHESTRA: FEW BARS OF PIANO PLAYED IN PUB STYLE, EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER IT Neddy: To think this used to be Palm Court. I looked around the bar, they were dressed in cloth caps, corduroy trousers, rough lumber-jacket shirts, bald heads and beards - and some of the men were dressed the same! Bluebottle: Tee-Hee! Neddy: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there Bluebottle: Fear not, you did not hurt me. Enter Bluebottle, the toast of the Goon sector, thank you to the Goons for the sausages Neddy: What's that plain-wrapped book you're reading? Bluebottle: That is a naughty little book-ules, listen to this: "In the darkness she felt his hot breath on her bed rails. Then a warm hand fell on her marble wash-stand - Neddy: Stop! Stop, stop that at once! Give me that book! Bluebottle: Why? Neddy: I want to read it. What's it called? Bluebottle: It's called "Mrs. Dale's Real Diary" Neddy: Mrs. Dale's? Heavens, would the BBC stop at nothing!? So this was how they kept the masses from thinking Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee! Look at this page! Tee-hee-hee! It's a 3-D picture of Mrs, Dale in her night-shirt being chased by Mr. Dimbleby! Tee- hee! Hoooo! Pauses to wipe drool from chin Neddy: I had to go outside, I couldn't bear to watch these poor Goons wallow in misery. It was then I wandered into an antique shop FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, BELL RINGS Henry: (singing) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts Neddy: Good evening, do you mind if I take a gander around the shop? Henry: No, as long as it's house trained Neddy: I say, what's this old object? Henry: That? Beautiful isn't it? It's called a cricket-bat Neddy: Oh yes. Did they have test-matches way back? Henry: Yes, that's right, as a matter of fact this bat was used in the very last test by Les Hunton. You can see, it's quite un-marked Neddy: Old man, tell me, what was it like back in 1954? Henry: Well we had sports and games, coloured movies, Charley Chester, Monkhouse, Gilbert Harding - Ooh it was terrible! FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR Eccles: Here, listen, look who I brought along Peter: (Miss Snutt) Hello dearest Neddy: Darling, darling I love you! Eccles: And I love you too Neddy: Shut up Eccles! Eccles: Shut up you! Peter: We were looking in the window for antiques and we saw you Neddy: We mustn't be seen together, quick into this room FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS DOOR Peter: Darling! Alone at last! Neddy: Oh, dearest Snutt! Let me kiss you and - Eccles: Here here. don't start yet, I'll get a chair Neddy: Eccles you go outside and keep watch Eccles: I can watch better in here Neddy: Eccles, here's the door FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT Neddy: Now, my dearest, alone at last Eccles: Yup, alone at last Neddy: Eccles get out or I'll - Eccles: Okay okay FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT Eccles: (sulking) Ha! Telling me to get out! Ha! Well see if I care! I don't care, I don't care, I just don't care, that's all! Slamming the door like that! Well they can stop on their own for all I care. I don't mind, I'll wait here until they finish. I don't mind, I - Neddy: Will you stop muttering and get out! Eccles: Okay FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPEN DOOR, SLAMS SHUT Eccles: Oooh! Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee! Eccles: Bluebottle! Bluebottle: Eccles! Eccles: Ahum! Here, you were looking through the keyhole Bluebottle: Yes I was, tee-hee Eccles: It's naughty to look through the keyhole, very, very naughty to look through the keyhole, very naughty Bluebottle: Well stop looking through it when you're talking to me! Eccles: I was only looking because - shall I tell you something? Bluebottle: What is it? Eccles: I aint ever seen a fella kiss a girl before Bluebottle: Cor, haven't you Eccles? Eccles: No. Here, here Bluebottle: What Eccles? Eccles: Have you ever kissed a girl? Bluebottle: Tee-hee! I'm not going to tell you! Eccles: Well come one, come on. I won't tell anybody Bluebottle: No, no I'm not going to say, I'm a man of mystery Eccles: But I'm your friend, come on, have you kissed a girl? Bluebottle: Hee-hee-hee! Yes! Eccles and Bluebottle: roar with laughter, gradually subsides Bluebottle: Eccles? Eccles: Yup? Bluebottle: I've seen something you haven't seen Eccles: What's that? Bluebottle: I have seen - Eccles: Yeah? Bluebottle: I've seen my sister's washing on the line! Eccles and Bluebottle: roar with laughter Eccles: Oh it's good to be alive! Bluebottle: Yes, I'm a happy-go-lucky man, tee-hee! Thinks: I'm a happy-go- lucky man FX: DOOR HANDLE RATTLES AND DOOR OPENS Neddy: What's all this noise? You, what do you want? Bluebottle: I have a message: If you want to join the Independent Television Army report at once to number 10 Are-you-certain street Neddy: Are-you-certain? Bluebottle: Positive Neddy: Right, let's go GRAMS: 4 WHOOSHES IN QUICK SUCCESSION Neddy: Here we are, number 10, the ITA Headquarters FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS Grytpype: Ah, Winston! I've been expecting you Neddy: Vision-master Walman! What are you doing? Grytpype: Now don't be frightened, I m a secret member of the Independent Television Army Neddy: I had a feeling you were, I knew it by the little things. The way you smiled to me across the room, the way you brushed my hair when you passed my chair (singing) Little things mean a lot! Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Now then you want to join ITA? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: What do you know about television? Neddy: 3 years at the BBC Staff Training College Grytpype: What did you learn? Neddy: Nothing Grytpype: Good, we'll make you a director. now say after me: Down with the BBC Neddy: Down with the BBC Grytpype: Drink FX: TWO GLASSES CLINKED TOGETHER AND THEN SMASHED ON THE FLOOR ONE AFTER THE OTHER Neddy: We smashed our glasses in the fire-place. I had to borrow a spare pair to find my way home. As I walked home I paused only to build a rough-built radiogram of Ray Ellington and his crows MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL" Spike: Silence! Stop! Attention 846 Winston Seagoon, you are under arrest for conspiring with the Independent Television Army. You will await detention by the studio attendants, you will then be prepared for the agonising death type 3 Neddy: Had they suspected me? Spike: Silence! You will be taken to room 101 Neddy: No, not 101, not the listening room! Oh no, no! Aaaah! Wallace: I would just like to mention that the Radio Times is now on sale at all book-stalls priced thruppence and jolly good value for money it is too Neddy: No, no, let me go! Why are they strapping me in this box? Why these earphones? Grytpype: Hello Winston, laddie Neddy: Ah vision-master Walman, so they got you too Grytpype: Yes, they got me a long time ago. I remember the date: Monday night at 8. Now Winston, we must torture you Neddy: You! You traitor! You deceived me! Grytpype: Yes. Of course you can save yourself Neddy: How? Grytpype: Just sign this 3 year BBC contract Neddy: What if I refuse? Grytpype: You have no option Neddy: A BBC contract with no option? Impossible. What's become of my beloved? What have you done to Miss Snutt? Grytpype: Snutt will never walk the streets again Neddy: Why not? Grytpype: She's bought a scooter. Now are you going to sign? Neddy: No, no! Grytpype: Greenslade, turn the knob to 247 meters GRAMS: " MRS. DALE'S DIARY " THEME TUNE AND PROGRAMME OVER SPEECH Neddy: No, no! No stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I can't stand it! Stop it GRAMS: SAME BUT SPEEDING UP DRAMATICALLY OVER SPEECH UNTIL CHIPMUNK SPEED Neddy: No! Stop it! No please! Noooo! (GRAMS end) Grytpype: You going to sign, Winston? Neddy: No Grytpype: Greenslade, 330 meters GRAMS: BURST OF VERY FAST PROGRAMME, FADES OUT Neddy: You fiend to let me hear that! Grytpype: Sign! Neddy: No Grytpype: You won't sign? Neddy: No Grytpype: Greenslade! GRAMS: BBC PROGRAMME OF PIANO AND OLD PEOPLE SINGING ALONG TO OLD WAR TUNES OVER SPEECH, GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP TO CRAZY SPEED Neddy: No! No! No, stop, stop! No No! (GRAMS fade out) No! No! Grytpype: I warn you, Winston, here we can change people into somebody else. You know Eccles? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: He used to be Izzy Bon Neddy: You're lying Grytpype: You think so? Greenslade, call Barbara Kelly Wallace: (shouting) Miss Kelly! Ray: Yes, you calling me, Ronnie? Gryptype: Ah, Barbara, dear, what's your line? Ray: A coloured television Grytpype: Thank you dear, back on the old flying wire Neddy: You fiend, poor Barbara Kelly! Grytpype: On the contrary we think it's a great improvement Neddy: It must be terrible at "Bedtime with Brain" Grytpype: Well it gets dark early in Canada, you know? Neddy: So the awful torture went on, in 3 days I lost 10 stone. My weight went down to a mere 20 stone. I looked so old and ill Wilfred Pickles demanded me for his TV programme. Then the torture started again GRAMS: HARRY SECOMBE SINGING "AVE MARIA" Neddy: Stop, this is agony! Stop that voice! Stop that voice! Stop that voice! Whose is it? Grytpype: Yours Neddy: More! Bravo! (claps) Encore! More! Let's have him back again, the short fat man with glasses on! Grytpype: Moriarty take over, I'm going to Jim Davidson for a saxophone lesson Moriarty: Very good. Little torturer! FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNS AND DOOR OPENS Bluebottle: Enter torturer Bluebottle with junior cut-out torture kit Moriarty: Listen, little lurgi-ridden yackul! Prepare the screaming agony rack! Bluebottle: Oh goodie goodie! Thinks: perhaps 1985 is going to be a good year for Bluebottle. Starts to get agony set ready Neddy: Oh, Bluebottle, don't do it! Remember me? (nervous laugh and tone) Your old pal Neddy Seagoon? Your friend? Bluebottle: Yes Neddy: Remember me? Bluebottle: Yes, my friend Neddy: Bluebottle, you remember me? Bluebottle: You're the one who deads me every week aren't you? Tee-hee-hee! Thinks: I know the very thing for him. Prepares pile of deadly type dynamite, tee-hee! I like this game now, I do, I like this! Neddy: Bluebottle, stop! Bluebottle: There all is ready for the dreaded deading of the traitor Seagoon. Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to witness that for the first time in the history of "The Goons" Bluebottle will not be deaded. Observe! I light a hundred foot fuse so, now all that remains is for me to escape. Taxi to the airport! GRAMS: CAR ENGINE ZOOMING OFF Bluebottle: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Aeroplane drive me to America! GRAMS: AEROPLANE ZOOMING OFF Bluebottle: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Horse, drive to the desert! FX: COCONUT SHELLS GALLOP INTO DISTANCE AND FADE Bluebottle: Ladies and gentlemen observe, I am now 6000 miles away from the dreaded dynamite. Here I'm safe in the middle of the desert GRAMS: HUGE EXPLOSION AND BITS OF METAL HITTING GROUND RANDOMLY WITH SMASHED GLASS AND THUDS Bluebottle: Tee-hee! You rotten swines, you! Boo-hoo! exits left, never to play this rotten game again. Never, never! Thinks: alright then, next week. Oh look at my knees, they've gone! Boo-hoo! Neddy: Meantime back in the BBC listening room I struggled to free myself before the dreaded dynamite exploded FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS Bloodnok: Don't worry, Seagoon Neddy: Bloodnok! Eccles! Bloodnok: Quick, untie him Eccles: Okay, I'd better hurry up before the - GRAMS: HUGE EXPLOSION Eccles: That's got his legs free! Neddy: Yes, but where are they? Eccles: Here they are Peter: (Jewish) Attention, attention! Face the TV Screen Neddy: Look, it's Horace Minnick Peter: Listen, listen! Great news! After a telephone conversation lasting 3 days and bribes worth 10 pounds i have gained control of the BBC Neddy: Hooray! Freedom at last! Peter: And here is the first of our new style Independent Television Army programmes GRAMS: VERY VERY SPED UP PROGRAMME ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Bruce Campbell, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT