First broadcast on January 18, 1955
Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott
| Wallace: | This is the BBC Home Service, and jolly good programmes they put on, too |
| Peter: | (very camp) Oh isn't he a lovely talker? |
| Harry: | (strained) Thank you, could you say some more, mister, please? |
| Wallace: | Why certainly, this is Wallace Greenslade saying "Winds light to variable" |
| Peter: | (very theatrical) Oh Greenslade, how can they afford you? |
| Harry: | (himself) Because 12 shillings a week is nothing to the highly esteemed Goon Show! |
| ORCHESTRA: | VERY SIMPLE PERCUSSION AND VOCALS, PRIMITIVE CULTURE STYLE |
| Harry: | Thank you listeners, next dance please. Mr. Greenslade loosen that plastic sporran and make the introduction |
| Wallace: | Listeners and losteners, we present an ancient Chinese play translated from an old Greek soup recipe found engraved on the seat of a dustman's trousers in East Acton. The trousers can now be inspected in the Science Museum, internal combustion section. This play was especially writted for the wireless |
| Peter: | (very theatrical) Wireless! Curse! This means the end of the horned phonograph and the little doggie that looks in to it. Exits left |
| FX: | GONG STRIKES |
| Peter: | (Chinese) Hello, you there. Oh boy, get this, we give you (and how) one hot story of old home town |
| Neddy: | Strange people, the Chinese, there are over 500 million of them. My name is Neddy Seagoon and my chow-lady calls me Ducks - due to a certain disease I have. I'm well known in China and voted best dressed man of 1904 - in 1955 |
| GRAMS: | HARRY SECOMBE WHINING IN HIGH PITCH VOICE, FOLLOWED BY A SPLASH |
| Neddy: | It was Christmas night on the waterfront of the Shanghai. Still, it had to come some time. As I walked the crowded streets people seemed to know I was British - was it my bearing, cut of my dentures or was it the 8 foot flood-lit union jack tied round my head? I'll never know |
| Grytpype: | Yikes, Tally-Ho nutty! Have a noodle |
| Neddy: | The words came from a two-legged, grey-headed man going bald at the knees. He was bent backwards eating a bowl of un-chopped-suey from a leopard skin bladder. With a wave of his foot he beckoned me over |
| Grytpype: | He ignored my invitation, but then I aid something that had him at my side - money! |
| GRAMS: | WHOOSH! |
| Neddy: | My name is Ned Seagoon |
| Grytpype: | Have a noodle |
| FX: | CLUNK |
| Neddy: | Thank you. You called me over |
| Grytpype: | Yes |
| Neddy: | What do you want? |
| Grytpype: | Well you have a kind face |
| Neddy: | You can't have it, it's a fixture |
| Grytpype: | A fixture, ey? My you are lumbered |
| Neddy: | Have a care, sir, I'm not a man to be laughed at |
| Grytpype: | I know, I've seen your act, the singing shaver isn't it? |
| Neddy: | I have my dark secrets |
| Ray: | Man, so do I! |
| Neddy: | Silence, Ellington, or I'll have the white-washed brushes at you |
| Grytpype: | Well said, Neddy. Oh, Neddy, this gentleman here is Count Moriarty, French overland saxophone champion |
| Neddy: | speaks French fluently |
| Moriarty: | So, the pen of your aunt is in the garden, ey? You're a stranger in town, are you, lad? |
| Neddy: | Stranger? I came here as a boy |
| Grytpype: | I didn't think you came here as a girl. Oh, I don't know, though. You Chinese are damn clever people |
| Neddy: | I'll have you know I'm English! |
| Moriarty: | English? But that ragged kilt and your toes sticking out at the end of your feet |
| Neddy: | In my position that's no shame |
| Moriarty: | You're not - |
| Neddy: | Yes! The British ambassador |
| Grytpype: | Poor fellow, you must be starving, have a noodle |
| FX: | CLUNK |
| Neddy: | Thank you |
| Grytpype: | Waiter, two ice-rickshaws and a fur-skin of rice. So, you're the British ambassador |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Grytpype: | You silly twisted boy, you! |
| Moriarty: | We wish to know that. now do we take it, Mr. Seagoon, that you are pressed for money? |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Moriarty: | Hmm, interesting, ey, Grytpype? |
| Grytpype: | Yes. Come Neddy, have another noodle |
| FX: | CLUNK |
| Neddy: | Thank you |
| Grytpype: | Neddy, how would you like 50 million yen? |
| Neddy: | In cash |
| Moriarty: | Crazy boy, Seagoon, you've heard of the fiendish Chinese leader? |
| Neddy: | Not General Cash-My-Cheque? |
| Moriarty: | Yes. Listen lad he's willing to pay that sum to anybody who can smuggle him a certain English Rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders |
| Neddy: | Tell me more gentlemen |
| Grytpype: | Well, Neddy, this is the plan |
| FX: | GONG STRIKES |
| Everybody: | Chinese crowd gibberish |
| Neddy: | Back at the embassy I pondered over Grytpype Thynnes' offer. Why on earth did General Cash-My-Cheque want a certain English upward Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders? Cunning people, the fiendish Chinese, you never know which whey they're going to go! I was just about to retire for the night when - |
| FX: | PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP |
| Neddy: | Yes? |
| Grytpype: | (other end of the phone) Neddy, Grytpype Thynne here. have you made a decision about the certain English upright? |
| Neddy: | Yes, I need the money, I'll do the job. But where do I get that certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders? |
| Grytpype: | Go to the tea-house of the autumn Goon |
| Neddy: | Just a minute, I'll take that down. "Go to the tea-house of the Autumn Goon", right |
| Grytpype: | Got that down? |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Grytpype: | Burn it at once |
| Neddy: | Right |
| Grytpype: | Now set fire to the ashes |
| Neddy: | Yes, I've done that |
| Grytpype: | Good, now memorise the remains |
| Neddy: | Right |
| Grytpype: | Splendid. Now say after me, "I am an idiot" |
| Neddy: | I am an idiot |
| Grytpype: | Right. Now, when you arrive there knock 6,000 times and ask for Ah-Pong |
| Neddy: | But how do I get there? |
| Grytpype: | How do you get there? Where are you now? |
| Neddy: | I'm standing by the phone |
| Grytpype: | Good, start asking your way from there |
| Neddy: | Thank you |
| FX: | PHONE PUT BACK ON HOOK |
| Neddy: | I should be there in 3 minutes |
| ORCHESTRA: | MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA |
| FX: | GONG STRIKES |
| Everyone: | gibberish Chinese crowd noises |
| Neddy: | On arrival at the tea house, as instructed, I knocked 6,000 times |
| GRAMS: | STEADY KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING |
| FX: | DOOR OPENS |
| Throat: | Yes? |
| Neddy: | Tea house of the Autumn Goon? |
| Throat: | No |
| FX: | DOOR SLAMS |
| Neddy: | Curse, it's next door! It's always next door in China! |
| GRAMS: | STEADY KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING |
| FX: | DOOR OPENS |
| Peter: | (Chinese) Somebody knock? |
| Neddy: | Yes, tea-house of Autumn Goon? |
| Peter: | Yes sir |
| Neddy: | You are Ah-Pong? |
| Peter: | Yes, we are up until 11 o'clock |
| Neddy: | I've come about a certain English rosewood upright |
| Peter: | Ah, you are Neddy Sleegoon, yeah? |
| Neddy: | Yes, Blitish Ambassador |
| Peter: | Ah good, good, good! Follow me please |
| Neddy: | I was lead through a bead curtain and across the floor, so cunningly laid that no matter where you stood it was always under your feet. Finally I was lead to a military man declining on a cooling |
| Bloodnok: | Aaaah! So you're the man who's going to do the job |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Bloodnok: | So, about the certain English upright rosewood piano |
| Neddy: | Yes, where is it? |
| Bloodnok: | Upriver at the Kargoon Missionary |
| Neddy: | Kargoon? That's 600 miles away! |
| Bloodnok: | Is it? |
| GRAMS: | FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE, SILENCE, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING BACK TOWARDS MICROPHONE |
| Neddy: | Yes, it's exactly 600 miles |
| Bloodnok: | That's too far to travel, therefore we shall take the fiendish Chinese river-steamer tonight |
| FX: | GONG STRIKES |
| Neddy: | In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of the silence being broken |
| Bloodnok: | Ah, Seagoon! I've just been speaking to the fiendish Chinese Captain, he says we'll be in Kalgoon at 2300 hours |
| Neddy: | What time is that? |
| Bloodnok: | I don't know, my watch only goes up to 12 |
| Neddy: | Curse this fiendish Chinese triple-summertime |
| FX: | GONG STRIKES |
| Neddy: | By mid-day the following month we arrived at the fiendish Chinese river port of Kalgoon |
| Bloodnok: | But to our bearded horror we discovered that missionary Crun had put the certain English upright rosewood piano up for auction |
| Neddy: | We had no option but to bid against 300 fiendish oriental John China men |
| Everyone: | gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere |
| FX: | JUDGE'S HAMMER HIT 3 TIMES |
| Henry: | Attention, fiendish Chinese bidders, the auction commences. First object to come under the hammer is this glass jar |
| FX: | GLASS JAR SMASHED BY HAMMER |
| Henry: | The next object is this certain English rosewood upright. Now then, let us start the bidding at 1 pound |
| Harry: | (Chinese) £1.10 |
| Spike: | (Chinese) £2 |
| Ray: | (Chinese) £3 |
| Harry: | £3.10 |
| Peter: | (Chinese) £3.15 |
| Harry: | Thlee pounds flifteen and slixpence |
| Ray: | £4.10 |
| Peter: | £4.10 and 10-pence |
| Harry: | £5 |
| Peter: | Flive pounds |
| Spike: | Flive pounds and flive |
| Henry: | Any advance on flive pounds flive? |
| Wallace: | (Chinese) Flive pounds four and 4-pence |
| Spike: | Flip-flong |
| Peter: | Flip-flong ten |
| Harry: | £10 |
| Ray: | Blasee-a-blas-bing |
| Spike: | Bloo-bla-bing |
| Harry: | Bing-bang-bloom |
| Peter: | Bing-bang-blom |
| Minnie: | Ying-Tong |
| Harry: | Ying-Tong-Iddle |
| Minnie: | Ying-Tong-Iddle-I |
| Harry: | Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po |
| Everyone: | Good! |
| Henry: | Any advance on Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po? |
| Wallace: | (himself) Ladies and gentlemen, the BBC have asked me to tell you the sentence Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po has no meaning at all and is not a form of currency. Therefore in bidding Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po for the piano it has proved that the bidders are fiendish Chinese and we return you now to the fiendish auction |
| Everyone: | gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere |
| Henry: | Any advance on fiendish Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po? |
| Neddy: | £10 |
| Henry: | Mnnk! Sold for £10! |
| FX: | JUDGE'S HAMMER STRUCK ONCE |
| Moriarty: | Well done, Neddy boy, well done! |
| Neddy: | Moriarty! |
| Moriarty: | Yes |
| Neddy: | Grytpype Thynne! What are you doing here? |
| Moriarty: | This is the reason: Before that piano can be dispatched to the secret Chinese NAAFI Cash-My-Cheque, the keyboard must be reversed |
| Neddy: | Why? |
| Grytpype: | Well you see, Neddy, fiendish Chinese pianists always play from right to left |
| Neddy: | What fiendish Chinese cunning! |
| Grytpype: | Yes. Now, out you go and get me a packet of Coolies |
| Neddy: | Cork-tipped, of course |
| Grytpype: | Of course |
| Neddy: | Right! |
| Grytpype: | I say, Moriarty |
| Moriarty: | Yes? |
| Grytpype: | Do you think he suspects? |
| Moriarty: | About the time-bomb in the piano to kill General Cash-My-Cheque? No |
| Grytpype: | No. Have you wired it up to explode? |
| Moriarty: | Yes it detonated when a certain note is played, listen |
| ORCHESTRA: | PIANO PLAYS A TUNE (CHOPSTICKS) MINUS LAST NOTE OF REFRAIN |
| Moriarty: | This is the note |
| ORCHESTRA: | FINAL NOTE OF REFRAIN PLAYED |
| Grytpype: | You have a copy of that music? |
| Moriarty: | Of course |
| Grytpype: | In Chinese? |
| Moriarty: | Yes, scored from right to left and upwards |
| Grytpype: | Brilliant, brilliant! Then tomorrow we send Seagoon and the piano to the fiendish Chinese NAAFI and that will be the last of our dreaded rival General Cash-My-Cheque |
| MUSIC: | RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET |
| Neddy: | August the third, moving inland through the bandit province of Yanghtsee towards the secret Chinese NAAFI, strapped to the back of a mule was the certain English etcetera etcetera with brass candle- holders - I said etcetera etcetera because it saved me saying the full sentence which was a certain English upright rosewood piano with brass candle-holders. That's why I said etcetera etcetera, thought you might like to know |
| Bloodnok: | Seagoon, stop the caravan, there is someone behind those fiendish Chinese bushes ahead |
| Neddy: | Hand me that loaded China man |
| Bloodnok: | Don't point him at me! |
| Neddy: | It's alright I've got a safety catch on. Ahoy there, come out from behind that bush! |
| Bluebottle: | Wait a minute, don't shoot at me! |
| Neddy: | Come on out |
| Bluebottle: | Enter Bluebottle. Is the Bluebottle popularity slipping? No |
| Neddy: | Who are you, you little high-bred wreck |
| Bluebottle: | I'm a member of General Cash-My-Cheque's secret NAAFI. Strikes dramatic pose as done in film "The Bridges of Totorees", by Grace Kennings and William Holdings in a Japanese bath scene.Thinks: I wouldn't mind a bath night like that. Tee-hee! |
| Neddy: | Have you proof of your identity? |
| Bluebottle: | Yes I have, my cap-i-tain, yes. Look: points to Chinese dragon tattooed at great expense on tail of shirt |
| Neddy: | What does that prove? |
| Bluebottle: | It proves that I have a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail of my shirt at great expense. Thinks: I've got a Chinese dragon tattooed to the tail of my - |
| Neddy: | Yes, yes, yes. But why have you got that boot full of Chinese porridge strapped to your head? |
| Bluebottle: | I always have a bowl of Chinese porridge strapped on my head on a Monday |
| Neddy: | But today's Tuesday |
| Bluebottle: | Is it? Oh, I feel a proper fool! Tee-hee! Than you Chinese sausages |
| Neddy: | Stop those radio award jokes, now how far are we from the secret Chinese NAAFI of General Cash-My-Cheque? |
| Bluebottle: | I will not tell you, you're not talking nicely to little Bluebottle |
| Neddy: | Fiendish China man gunner Ellington, take charge of this man |
| Ray: | Right! Come on, come on you mushroom legs! |
| Bluebottle: | Eeeeeh! take your hands off my little arm, you might rub off on me. Here, you're not Chinese |
| Ray: | How do you know? |
| Bluebottle: | I can tell by your eyes |
| Ray: | Come on, come on now, how far do we go until the secret Chinese NAAFI? |
| Bluebottle: | I don't like this game |
| Neddy: | Tell us, or we play Bluebottle and taxidermists |
| Bluebottle: | No, no! I'll tell you! It is across this river, it is behind the Great Wall of China. Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Ping |
| Neddy: | Guards, forward! |
| GRAMS: | FOUR WHOOSHES IN A ROW |
| Bluebottle: | Right, here we are at the secret fiendish Chinese NAAFI. I will knock-ed |
| FX: | FEW KNOCKS ON DOOR AND OPENS |
| Peter: | (Chinese) Oh boy, look, it's a Bluebottle and honourable piano. Look, bloys, honourable naughty piano has arrived |
| Everybody: | (Chinese) Hip-Hip-Hullay! Hip-Hip-Hullay! |
| Neddy: | Together - |
| FX: | HEAVY OBJECT BEING DRAGGED OVER SCREAMS |
| Wallace: | Ladies and gentlemen, while our heroes are getting the English piano up on the stage of the secret Chinese NAAFI I would like to draw your attention to page 52 of this week's Radio Times. It shows a 3 quarter rear view of a lady wearing a pair of corsets. we would like to point out that this is an advertisement and not a programme, though I must say it might be the basis of a jolly good show. I see now that the certain English piano is in position and a fiendish Chinese pianist is about to play |
| Everybody: | gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere |
| Harry: | (Chinese) Silence, please silence! Honourable pianist will now play western style tune |
| ORCHESTRA: | PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE |
| Grytpype: | Curse it, Moriarty, he hasn't played the note! |
| ORCHESTRA: | PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE |
| Grytpype: | Oh, he's missed it again! |
| Spriggs: | Chinese gentlemen, don't fret! Your poor fiendish pianist can not play the piano so I will sing you another melody. Could I have an A please? |
| ORCHESTRA: | PIANO PLAYS AN A, THE FINAL NOTE OF THE PREVIOUS TUNE |
| GRAMS: | GIANT EXPLOSION, GLASS SMASHING AND OBJECTS FALLING ON FLOOR |
| Grytpype: | Damn clever these Chinese! |
| ORCHESTRA: | CLOSING THEME TUNE |
| Wallace: | That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. |
| Bluebottle: | I didn't get deaded this week! Tee-hee! |
| ORCHESTRA: | FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT |