From: "Alastair Roxburgh"
Subject: Revised Goon Show transcription: Under Two Floorboards
Date: 2000/05/30
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Under Two Floorboards -- A Story of The Legion transcription.
If anyone can figure out the five bits marked (???), please write in an let
us know.
Newly revised, and in three versions.
--Enjoy,
Al
1) Microsft Word: http://www.kdsi.net/~captoz/Under_two_floorboards.doc
2) Embedded binary (compressed, and including the whole text of Beau Geste):
10011100111011010110011010110110110101110111011011011110110
3) Plain text, all of 18,000 characters (sorry, Steve D.), follows:
Original transcription from the original BBC broadcast by Steve (Chipper)
Dale.
Updated and corrected by Alastair Roxburgh May 25th, 2000. Released as a
fully
formatted Microsoft Word file, and also this plain text version.
{ } indicates new material in the Ted Kendall restoration.
Five remaining unintelligible words or phrases are marked with (???).
UNDER TWO FLOORBOARDS-A STORY OF THE LEGION
The Goon Show, Series 5, Episode 18, Broadcast 25 January 1955
The Radio Times plot synopsis:
'Beau' recently down from Cambridge with his fellow undergraduates Moriarty
and Grytpype-Thynne, attends a ball at Oxley Towers where Lady Seagoon's
famous 'Blue Shower' diamond, worth a king's ransom, is stolen.
Cast (main characters):
Spike Milligan: Eccles, Captain Moriarty, Minnie Bannister, Butler, Arab 2.
Peter Sellers: Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Grytpype-Thynne, Henry Crun,
Customs Official.
Harry Secombe: Legionnaire Neddie Seagoon, Arab 1.
Ray Ellington: Lady Seagoon.
Wallace Greenslade: Announcer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Transcription:
Wallace: This is the BBC {Home Service}
Peter: Is there no relief?
{Wallace: Listeners, this is smiling Wallace Greenslade speaking to you.
Here's good news: from time to time in the next half hour I will be
appearing -hope you like me, kids! If, however, you are determined to hear
the rest of it, get well soon.}
Harry: {You over-paid word strangler, you!} Ladies and gentlemen, {he was
about to apologize for} the highly esteemed, Goon Show!
ORCHESTRA: ELIZABETHAN FLUTE AND HARP DUET LINK, CALM AND FLOWING
Wallace: High Towers, with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by
mullioned walls. This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon. One butler,
two cooks, three maids, six gardeners, eight horses, fourteen cows, seven
pigs and...Ned Seagoon
Neddie: Yes, I am the Honourable Neddie Seagoon, eldest son. We had all
been to the university, I took law, while my brothers took medicine
Eccles: We were ill! (guffaw) (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond...
Neddie: Shut up Eccles!
{Eccles: Well I wasn't in it last week!}
Neddie: (I know you weren't. Well,} it was the year 1908. We'd just come
from Balliol School, Cambridge. Oh, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked
around the even lawn, pausing only to smooth down the places where my
brother had buried a bone. Then I noticed my uncle Grytpype-Thynne. He was
idly climbing out of a hammock which hung easily between my two brothers.
Grytpype: Ah, nephew Neddie! Looking forward to the ball tonight?
Neddie: Oh yes, sir!
{Grytpype: Good!}
Neddie: My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower Necklace, worth a King's
ransom! Been in the family three hundred years!
Grytpype: She's kept remarkably well!
Neddie: No, no, no, the Blue Shower!
Grytpype: ...Yes. Neddie, I've got a little present for you.
Neddie: Oh thankyou uncle, you're always giving me presents! First a
christening mug and now this!
Grytpype: It's a book.
Neddie: A book? Oh yes...I've seen one of these before. {What's it called?
10 and 6 net? Yes, yes, I've read this, I've read the sequel too, 12 and 6
net.}
Grytpype: (aside) I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him?
(aloud) It's called "Beau Geste", Neddie
Neddie: Lovely. I'll read it tomorrow.
Grytpype: No, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's a
bookmark.
Neddie: I say, that's rather novel. It's a single ticket to Marseille!
Grytpype: Well done! I say, you're quite sure your mother is wearing the
Blue Shower tonight?
Neddie: Of course!
Grytpype: Read!
Neddie: Beau Geste, what a wonderful book. During the next five minutes I
read it again and again. On the last page was a note from uncle. It read,
"Pass it on to your brothers, I've given them both bookmarks". What a kind
man uncle was! I passed it on.
Eccles: Ooh, look! Look what Neddie's given us!
Bluebottle: Eee-hee! Let's put some wheels on it, then we can pull it round.
So enters Honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game!
Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky-lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose.
Neddie: Dear brothers, that thing there is a book!
Bluebottle: Yes, go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles. I like it when
you read to me, you know that? Sits in listening pose so as not to miss
dinner gong.
Eccles: Right! It's, um, let me see, it's called um...Booo...Gost...unm,...
booo...
Bluebottle: What?
Eccles: ...boooo...gest-e.... Shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: No, go on, read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting!
Eccles: Yeah, well, um, it starts off...
Bluebottle: What does it say?
Eccles: (struggling over each syllable)
Once...yau...yaupon...a-ee...ta...oiii...
Bluebottle: Time!
Eccles: Time! That's it! I knew it was a 'W'.
Neddie: Enjoying it?
Eccles: Yeah, it's a funny book, ha ha!
Bluebottle: Yeah, it's a funny book, hee-hee!
Eccles: It's a really funny book, ha-ha-ha!
Bluebottle: Yes!
Neddie: Perhaps I read it wrongly! After all, both my brothers held
university degrees! (Ahem) Do you mind if I listen while you read?
Eccles: Well, um, OK, yeah. Let's see now. "Then the big giant walked over
the hill with a big club in each hand!"
Neddie: Where's that?
Eccles: Dere!
Neddie: There? It says, "The garden was bathed in the cold light of an
august moon."
PAUSE
Eccles: Shall I draw a pussycat?
Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee!
Neddie: Look, I'll read it for you. (fast) "Once upon a time there were
three brothers... (speeds up to gibberish and fades out)
ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP CHORDS LINK
GRAMS: STATELY BACKGROUND MUSIC, SMALL CROWD
Grytpype: Ah, nephew Neddie. Enjoying the ball?
Neddie: Immensely, I've danced every dance!
Grytpype: Oh, who's the lucky girl?
Neddie: I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own!
Grytpype: Charming. By the way, did you read Beau Geste?
Neddie: Oh yes, about the three brothers who, having come down from Balliol
School, attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen, and rather
than sneak on each other, joined the Foreign Legion!
Grytpype: Right lot of charlies weren't they...er...I mean noble lads.
Neddie: (noble) You know, uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honouri
Tempus and Gratis; up the school; last man in and ten runs to get. (sings)
Boots, boots, boots, boots, tramping over Africa! There's no discharge in
the Waaaaarr!!
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! By the way have you got the ticket to
Marseille...I mean the bookmark?
Neddie: Yes.
Ray: (shouting) Neddie!!!
Neddie: Yes, mother?
Ray: Come into my room!
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENED AND SLAMMED
Ray: OK, now which one of you three layabouts has it?
Spike: (apologetically) He was alright at the audition!
Ray: The Blue Shower Necklace has been pinched!
Neddie: Just like the book!
Eccles: Ooh, has that been pinched too?
Ray: If that necklace isn't back by tomorrow, I'll send for the po-lice!
{Neddie: At the mention of the police we all went white!
Ray: Get me a mirror.
Neddie: Listen, mother...}
Ray: {I don't want to know.} Come on, off you go to your rooms, you've got
until tomorrow!
GRAMS: THREE WHOOSHES IN QUICK SUCCESSION, FOLLOWED BY THREE DOORS SLAMMED
IN QUICK SUCCESSION
Grytpype: To think that the Blue Shower'd cost me only 10 and 6 net...oh yes
and 3 novel bookmarks! So far so good! (singing) I'm only a strolling
vagabond... (talking) So good. Ah, here we are, little Neddie's room!
F.X.: THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Grytpype: Neddie? Oh Neddie, it's your rich uncle
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPENS DOOR
Grytpype: Ned...Oh splendid, lad, he's gone. And a farewell note to his
mother, how charming!
Spike: The devilish cunning of it all!
Grytpype: And that isn't all! Geldray? Play Neddie's journey to Marseille.
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
(Applause)
GRAMS: TRIPLE SPEED 'BLACK BEAR' MARCH MUSIC AND ARMY MARCHING. MIX IN
BATTLE WITH MILITARY BUGLE CALLS SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS.
Neddie: Stoooooooppppp!! (GRAMS OUT) I haven't joined yet! It had been a
pleasant journey in a first-class railway coach marked, "H-Verks(???),
40-hommes and un Charlie". And now here I was in the Legion Recruiting
Centre at Marseille. I was just reading the second wall, when the door
opened.
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Bloodnok: Ooohhhh! Moulin Rouge, Folies Bergère, and other naughty French
words. So you want to join the Legion, eh?
Neddie: I gazed at the Legion Officer, his skin was burned fiery red by the
hot Algerian brandy. On his breast was a coloured ribbon from which
dangled...a penny!
Bloodnok: We can't all have medals, you know! Now lad, a few questions.
Name?
Neddie: Ned Seagoon!
Bloodnok (writing) N...ed S,E,A,G,O,O,O,double-O,N.
Neddie: Oui, mon Capitaine!
Bloodnok: Oh, you're German!
Neddie: No, no, no. I'm a true Britisher!
Bloodnok: Well that's a novelty! Do you, ah...speak French?
Neddie: (fast) Oui, mon Capitaine. Je parle français comme un indigène!
[trans. Yes, my Captain. I speak French like a native!]
Bloodnok: Well you'll just have to learn it the same as I did. Now for the
jackpot question. Have you any money or valuables on you?
Neddie: About £5.
Bloodnok: Oooh, there'll be joybells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over!
Neddie: Well, I mean, look...er...
Bloodnok: It'll be returned to you on your demob! Off you go, first door on
your left.
Neddie: This door?
Bloodnok: That's the one!
Neddie: Thankyou!
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
GRAMS: SUDDEN HUGE BATTLE, SHOUTS, YELLS, MUSKETS, CANNON, THUNDER OF
CAVALRY HOOVES, ETC. MILITARY BUGLE CALLS SPED UP. DOWN UNDER:
Wallace: Listeners may well like to know, how one can walk through a door in
Marseille, and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa! We're not giving
all our secrets away, by Jove we're not!
GRAMS: BATTLE UP, CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS.
Moriarty: Silence! (pron. "see-lence" ) (GRAMS STOP) Legion will fall in!
GRAMS: ARMY FALLS IN, DISGRUNTLED VOICES.
Moriarty: Silence! Sacré-Bleu, Sapristi-Nyuckos! You there! You with the
size 53 nut. {Count off! March! (???)}
{F.X.: ONE MAN MARCHING AND SHOUTING TIME AS HE GOES}
Moriarty: Slooope...Umbrellas!
F.X.: SOUND OF UMBRELLA BEING SLOPED ONTO SHOULDER.
Neddie: So this was the famous Legion. I drew myself to my full height and
stared dead-ahead at his belt!
Moriarty: Tell mon petite France, can you march?
Neddie: Only with my feet!
Moriarty: Good! It's only twenty miles back to the fort! I hope, for your
sake, you will be able to keep up with us!
Neddie: Oui, mon Capitaine! (aside) Keep up with them, indeed! Ha-ha! Did
he not know that I was a Britisher?
Moriarty: (in distance) Legion! By the left! Bon marche!
GRAMS: TRIPLE SPEED 'BLACK BEAR' MARCH AND FAST MARCHING AS BEFORE. FADES.
ORCHESTRA: ' ENGLISHMAN LOST IN DESERT THEME' (AS IN "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA",
ONE MAN PLOUGHING THROUGH THE SANDS OF THE DESERT ALONE AND LOST).
Neddie: Alone in the African desert, without a compass or a guide!
(out-of-breath) However, by carefully noting the position of the sun, I
could tell it was still daytime! But this, this heat was hot! (series of
out-of-breath gasps) I unbuttoned my overcoat! (gasp) Then, just as I was
about to cry "waaaater!" I saw two people approaching...
Henry: ...ahh, yes, yes, yes,...
Minnie: ...ohh, dear, dear...
Henry: ...yes, yes, yes,...
Minnie: ...I told you Henry,...ah, nyucka-in,...I told you the tide was
out, Henry...
Henry: ...not going back home without having a paddle!...Minnie.
Minnie: Listen, Henry, the man will want another threepence for this
deckchair, buddy!
Neddie: Excuse me.
Minnie: I don't want a donkey ride!
Neddie: I don't intend to give you one!
Henry: Young man, can you tell us where the sea is?
Neddie: I'm afraid not.
Henry: And you call yourself a lifeguard?
Neddie: I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a Legionnaire, and I've,...I've lost the
fort.
Henry: When did you have it last?
{Minnie: Mnn?
Henry: I asked him when he had it last, Minnie.
Minnie: I,...I thought he was a donkey man.
Henry: No, no, no, Minnie,...(???), no.
Minnie: What?
Henry: No, no.
Minnie: You can't get the donkeys...
Henry: You can't get the donking...
Minnie: No. You can't get...
Both: (Minnie and Henry take turns at saying "No you can't get the..." for
quite some time)}
Neddie: {I'm sorry to butt in, but} I have to find the fort. I'm a
Legionnaire, you know. The crack fighting force, let them all come. Ils ne
passeront pas. [tr. They will not pass.] Ha-ha! (???) (sings La
Marseillaise-the French national anthem-as he goes into the distance) Allons
enfants de la Patrie. Le jour de gloire est arrivé...
Minnie: I wonder if that...that young man could help us.
Henry: How, Min?
Minnie: To find Ned Seagoon!
Henry: We don't have to ask anybody, Min. We've got his description, it's
only a matter of keeping our eyes open.
Minnie: Yes, we've only got to find a soldier wearing the Blue Shower
necklace!
Henry: Oh, I never thought of that!
Minnie: And you call your...self a...a...de...det...detective?!
Henry: Minnie, keep quiet, dear, or you'll break out in another rash!
Both: (Minnie and Henry fade out, still talking)
ORCHESTRA: SAME 'LOST IN DESERT' THEME AGAIN
Wallace: Ten days later, the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the
fort.
Neddie: (out of breath) It wasn't ten days, it was three and a half weeks!
Wallace: At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform the listeners
that according to the Radio Times it was ten days! However, after Ned
Seagoon's ordeal in the desert we can forgive his inaccuracy.
Neddie: I should know, shouldn't I? I was here, wasn't I? It was three and
a half weeks!
Moriarty: Ahhhh! A new recruit! Where have you been for the last ten days?
Wallace: ...and the Radio Times only costs threepence!
Moriarty: Thankyou! Tell me now, Legionnaire, look at the state you're in!
Covered in sand! Wherrrrrre have you been?
Neddie : Iiiiiiin the desert!
Moriarty: Aaaaa likely story!
GRAMS: LONE BUGLE SOUNDS THE 'ALERT'
Moriarty: Sacré Fred!! We're being attacked! Up on the wall, men! If you
want me, I'll be under the bed!
Neddie: Stop!! Sir, there's only one of them!
Moriarty: (off) Is he unarmed?
Neddie: Yes!
Moriarty: (on) Right men, fire!
GRAMS, FX: MANY GUNS BEING FIRED OF VARIED TYPES (MACHINE GUNS, PISTOLS,
RIFLES, ETC.). LASTS THREE SECONDS, ENDS SUDDENLY.
Thick voice: Missed!
Moriarty: I say, keep still out there! These bullets cost money!
Neddie: Perhaps he has a message for us. (calls) Avez vous un meshoise for
us?
Eccles: Oui! (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond...
Neddie: Sir, sir, this idiot is my brother! Eccles! What are you doing
dressed like an Arab?
Eccles: It's my Foreign Legion uniform!
Neddie: It's not; it's the uniform of the Arabs!
Eccles: Ohh! When I joined the Foreign Legion, they gave me this, closed
the gates, and said, 'Good luck!'
Neddie: I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again! Eccles,
you've got tall!
Eccles: Oooh, this isn't all me!
Neddie: Isn't it?
Eccles: Nope, I'm sitting on mudder's shoulders!
Neddie: Mother's shoulders?
Eccles: I couldn't get a camel!
Ray: Neddie! My eldest boy!
{Neddie: Mother! Mother, what are you doing here? This is a white-man's
grave!
Ray: What's the matter with you, colour-blind?}
Moriarty: {Mother,} may I 'ave ze honour of 'earing you play ze music?
Ray: But, with pleasure!
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET, "THE NAUGHTY LADY OF SHADY LANE".
(Applause)
GRAMS: TRIPLE-SPEED BLACK BEAR MARCH AS BEFORE.
DOWN UNDER:
Neddie: In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day.
During these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddled
in Eccles' pack!
Eccles: Oooh, you bin ridin' round in my pack?
Neddie: You don't mind, do you?
Eccles: You'd better not let mudder know!
Neddie: Why?
Eccles: I bin ridin' round in hers! (laughs)
Neddie: Good old mater!
Eccles: Yeah. Ooh, by the way Neddie, I saw the Captain last week, and he
told me to tell you that he wants to see you in his office right away!
Neddie: What? Why didn't you tell me last week?
Eccles: Well, if I told you last week you'd have forgotten by now!
Neddie: Yes. Thankyou Eccles! I'm only a week late! A week!
GRAMS: WHOOSH!
F.X.: THREE SWIFT KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Moriarty: Come in!
Neddie: I'm terribly sorry, sir, really I am, but I know I'm late but it's
my own fault. My brother told me last week and I forgot. I,...I am
completely to blame. I should have reported to you last week when my brother
informed me, but it slipped my memory, and the blame is entirely mine.
Moriarty: Come in!
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Neddie: It's all Eccles's fault, sir!
Moriarty: Never mind that now. I have a visitor to see you.
Neddie: Visitor?
Moriarty: First of all, how much is the Blue Shower necklace worth?
Neddie: About er...a King's ransom! All depends on who the King is! (wild
laugh)...ahem.
Moriarty: So, you are Neddie Seagoon, I have a visitor for you. Entrez!
(pronounces the 'z')
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Grytpype: Ahh, nephew Neddie!
Neddie: Uncle Grytpype!
Moriarty: Sacre Nom du See(???), Sapristi Yakabakakas! Then it is true, you
are this charlie's uncle!
Grytpype: I'm afraid so. Now, Neddie, the necklace!
Neddie: I haven't got it, uncle!
Grytpype: Search his neck!
F.X.: NEDDIE'S NECK BEING SEARCHED,VARIOUS GRUNTS, GROANS, NEDDIE
GURGLING, ETC.
Moriarty: Curse! Nothing except this string of glass beads and a full-length
portrait of his mother!
Grytpype: Listen, Neddie, I took the Blue Shower necklace. At the ball I
hung up my jacket to do the Mambo and when I returned, the pocket containing
the necklace was gone!
Neddie: What a dastardly trick! Who would want to rob you? Sir, I didn't
take it, honestly I didn't!
GRAMS: LONE BUGLE CALL SIGNALS ATTACK
Moriarty: Sapristi-Nyuckos! Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking!
GRAMS: FULL BATTLE NOISE WITH TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS. DOWN
UNDER:
Neddie: It was a terrible battle! The enemy hurled themselves upon us with
swords, rifles, machine-guns, and worst of all, seven hundred rock-cakes!
GRAMS: BATTLE SCREAMS AND BUGLE CALLING THE RETREAT.
DOWN UNDER:
Neddie: Then it came! The order to retreat! We didn't know it at the time,
but this was one of the greatest retreats in the history of war! Back we
went, as far as Morocco!
GRAMS: BATTLE UP, THEN DOWN...
Neddie: To the African coast still fighting! The Mediterranean was littered
with dhows* and dead sampans* as we gamely retreated! Twice we had to buy
ammunition from the Arabs! Days turned into weeks!
GRAMS: BATTLE UP.
F.X.: REFEREE'S WHISTLE.
GRAMS: BATTLE STOPS. SOUNDS OF BIG CROWD...
Customs Officer: (bored and slightly camp) Next please. Anything to declare?
Watches, clocks, finery?
Neddie: Nothing.
Ray: Nothing.
Eccles: Er...
Customs Officer: Well, anything to declare?
Eccles: Um...oh...it's good to be alive!
Customs Officer: Yes. Pass along please. Next?
Arab 1: (furious Arabic)
Customs Official: Thankyou! Next?
Arab 2: (furious Arabic)
Customs Officer: Cor, there's thousands of them! Alright, go straight
through...
F.X.: WHISTLE BLOWN.
GRAMS: BATTLE UP AGAIN.
Neddie: And still the battle raged! Down the Southend Road and up the
Guildford Bypass! (GRAMS DOWN).
ORCHESTRA: HARP PLAYS MYSTIC CHORDS LINK
Wallace: Meantime, in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon, a lone figure lay
in bed idly dangling the Blue Shower necklace.
Bluebottle: Eee-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks: Now that
everybody is in the Foreign Legion I'm next in line for the title.
Eee-hee-he! Stares at pimply reflection in the Blue Shower,...and at the
same time, also thinks:Here in the countryside I'm safe. It's the others who
will get the dreaded deading!
GRAMS: BATTLE DRAWING NEARER.
Bluebottle: What is that noise that tickles little Bluebottle's ear-holes?
F.X.: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, GRAMS GET LOUDER
Butler: Sir, it appears that your brothers have returned home, and
furthermore...
Neddie: (entering) Hello, Bluebottle, I'm glad to see...wait...you've got
the Blue Shower. Stooooooop!!! (GRAMS stop immediately) Gentlemen, I'm
sorry, but you'll have to cease the battle now!
OMNES: DISAPPOINTED CROWD MOANING
Neddie: {I know you're upset,} I'm...I'm...I'm sorry, but this is our home,
you know! (laughs seriously) And what's more, we've found the necklace!!!
OMNES: CHEERS!
Bluebottle: But the necklace is mine! Nay-nay, nay-nay, nay...
Eccles: Hey, here you are, Bluebottle, in return here's a rock-cake!
Bluebottle: Oooh thankyou, Eccles! I like rock-cakes I do, I like them. Yes!
Thinks: I've never seen a rock-cake with a pin in it before! Ah well, I've
had a good long run this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out.
GRAMS: EXPLOSION. THE SOUND OF BITS OF METAL AND GLASS HITTING THE GROUND
CONTINUES FOR TWELVE SECONDS.
ORCHESTRA: SAME PRETTY LITTLE ELIZBETHAN FLUTE AND HARP DUET LINK.
Wallace: High Towers, the home of Lady Seagoon.
GRAMS: DESCENDING WHINING SOUND AS IN BOMB FALLING FROM A PLANE, UNDER:
Wallace: One butler, two cooks, four maids, eight-hundred-and-forty-two Arab
gardeners, six horses and...
F.X.: GRAMS STOP, HEAVY OBJECT FALLS ON TOP OF WALLACE (THUMP NOISE)
Wallace: Ooooh!
Bluebottle: Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you?
Wallace: Yes, you small knobbly ham!
Bluebottle: Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade an't you?
Wallace: That's right!
Bluebottle: Well, could I have a signed phottygraph of you? 'Cause I like
you on the wireless!
Wallace: So do I! Have a toffee!
Bluebottle: Thankyou! 'Cor, fancy you! You're bigger than I thought you was!
...'Cause I like you on the wireless!
ORCHESTRA: THEME UP, THEN DOWN UNDER...
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet
and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric
Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme
produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAY TO END.
PLAYOUT: CRAZY RHYTHM; Max and Orchestra.
-------------------------------------------
* Dhow - Arab sailing vessel, usually with lateen rigging (triangular
sails).
Sampan - Chinese flat-bottomed sailing skiff.