From: "Steve Dale" Subject: A GOON SHOW SCRIPT! - UNDER TWO FLOORBOARDS!!!! Date: 2000/05/22 Message-ID: <8gb4hs$5g5$1@news.ihug.co.nz> X-Priority: 3 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2314.1300 Organization: The Internet Group Ltd X-MSMail-Priority: Normal Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons OK folks, it had to happen. I do so love transcribing the great Milligan's scripts onto paper, and so here's another of them ENJOYYYYYYYY FOLKS!!! ______________________________________________________ THE GOON SHOW Under Two Floorboards; a story of the Legion. (Show 6, Series 6) Bill: This is the BBC Peter: Is there no relief? Harry: Ladies and Gentlemen; the highly esteemed, Goon Show! ORCH: ELIZABETHAN TUNE, FLUTE AND HARP. Bill: High Towers, with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by mullioned walls. This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon; One butler, two cooks, three maids, six gardeners, eight horses, fourteen cows, seven pigs, and....Ned Seagoon. Ned: Yes, I am the Honourable Neddie Seagoon, eldest Son. We had all been to the University, I took law, while my brothers took medicine. Eccles: We were ill! (guffaw) (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond... Ned: Shut up! It was the year 1908. We had just come down from Balyol School Cambridge. Ah, it was pleasant to be home, and I walked around the even lawn, pausing only to smooth down the places where my brother had buried a bone. Then I noticed my uncle, Grytpype Thynn. He was idly climbing out of a hammock which hung easily between my two brothers. Grytpype: Ah, nephew Neddie! Looking forward to the ball tonight? Neddie: Oh Yes sir. My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower necklace, worth a king's ransom! Been in the family three hundred years! Grytpype: She's kept remarkably well! Neddie: No, no, no, the Blue Shower! Grytpype: ...Yes. Neddie, I've got a little present for you! Neddie: Oh Thank you uncle, you're always giving me presents! First a christening mug and now this! Grytpype: It's a book. Neddie: A book? Oh yes...I've seen one of these before! Grytpype: (aside) I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him? (aloud) It's called Beau Geste, Neddie. Neddie: Lovely. I'll read it tomorrow. Grytpype: No, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's a bookmark. Neddie: I say that's rather novel. It's a single ticket to Marselles! Grytpype: Well done! I say, you are quite sure that your mother is wearing the Blue Shower tonight? Neddie: Yes! Grytpype: Read! Neddie: Beau Geste; what a wonderful book! During the next five minutes I read it again and again. On the last page was a note from uncle. It read, "Pass it on to your brothers, I've given them both bookmarks" What a kind man uncle was! I passed it on. Eccles: Ohh; look! Look what Neddie's given us! Bluebottle: Eeehee! Let's put some wheels on it then we can pull it around! So enters Honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game! Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose. Neddie: Dear brothers, that thing there is a book! Bluebottle: Yes, go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles, I like it when you read to me, you know that! Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong. Eccles: Yeah, well, let me see, it's called, er...Boo.... Booo...Gost...no, ...booo....gest-e... Shall I draw a pussycat? Bluebottle: No, go on read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting! Eccles: Yeah well, unm, it starts off,....on..ce yaupooon... ...ah....tooii...toi... Bluebottle: Time! Eccles: Time! That's it! I knew it was a 'W'. Neddie: Enjoying it? Eccles: Yeah; it's a funny book! (Eccles and Bluebottle have a good laugh) (pause) Neddie: Perhaps I read it wrongly! After all, both my brothers held university degrees! Do you mind If I listen while you read? Eccles: Yeah. OK, yeah. Let's see now. 'Then the big giant walked over the hill with a big club in his hand!' Neddie: Where's that? Eccles: Dere! Neddie: There? It says, 'the garden was bathed in the cold light of an august moon.' (pause) Eccles: Shall I draw a pussycat? Neddie: Look, I'll read it for you. (fast) 'Once upon a time there were three brothers... (speeds up and fades out) ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK FX: STATELY BACKGROUND MUSIC, SMALL CROWD Grytpype: Ah; nephew Neddie. Enjoying the ball? Neddie: Immensely, I've danced every dance! Grytpype: Oh, who's the lucky girl? Neddie: Oh I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own! Grytpype: Charming. By the way, did you read Beau Geste? Neddie: Oh yes, about the three brothers who, having come down from Balyol School, attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen, and rather than sneak on each other, joined the Foreign Legion! Grytpype: Right lot of charlies weren't they..er...I mean Noble lads! Neddie: (noble) You know uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honori Tempis et Gratis; Up the school; Last man in and ten runs to get; (sings) Boots, boots, boots, boots, tramping over Africa; there's no discharge in the Waaaaarr!! Grytpype: You silly twisted boy you! By the way, have you still got the ticket to Marselles...I mean the bookmark? Neddie: Yes. Ray Ellington: Neddie!!! Neddie: Yes mother? Ray: Come into my room! FX: DOOR CLOSING Ray: OK, now which of you three layabouts has it? Spike: (apologetically) He was all right at the audition! Ray: The Blue Shower necklace has been pinched! Neddie: Just like the book! Eccles: Ooh. has that been pinched too? Ray: If that necklace isn't back by tomorrow, I'll send for the police! Come on, off you go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow! FX: THREE WHOOSHES, THREE DOORS SLAM. Grytpype: To think that the Blue Shower cost me only three and six nett...oh yes, and three novel bookmarks! So far so good! (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond...Ah, here we are, little Neddie's room (knocks) Neddie? Oh Neddie, it's your rich uncle. (opens door) Ned...Oh splendid lad, he's gone! And a farewell note to his mother, how charming! Spike: The devilish cunning of it all! Grytpype: And that isn't all! Gelgray? Play Neddie's journey to Marselles! Max Gelgray & Orchestra: music (applause) FX: CORNY BAND PLAYING 'THE BLACK BEAR' AND ARMY MARCHING AT TRIPLE SPEED, MIX IN BATTLE. Neddie: STOOOOOOOPPPPP!! (FX OUT) I haven't joined yet! It had been a pleasant trip in a railway coach marked, "H. Burkes, 14 Arms" and "M. Charlie"! And now here I was in the Legion Recruiting Center at Marselles. I was just reading the second wall, when the door opened. FX; DOOR OPENS Bloodnok: Ooohhhh; Moulon Rouge, Follies Begere, and other naughty French words! So, you want to join the Legion, eh? Neddie: I gazed at the Legion Officer. His skin was burned fiery red by the hot Algerian brandy. On his chest was a coloured ribbon from which dangled....a penny! Bloodnok: We can't all have medals you know! Now lad, first a few questions. Name? Neddie: Ned Seagoon! Bloodnok: (writing) N..ed,S,E,A,G,O,O,O,double-O,N. Neddie: Oui, mon Capitane! Bloodnok: Oh, you're German! Neddie: No, I'm a true Britisher! Bloodnok: Well, there's a novelty! You speak French? Neddie: (fast) Oui mon Capitaine, Je parle francaise comme de'juienne! Bloodnok: Well you'll just have to learn it the same as I did. Now for the jackpot question. Have you any money or valuables on you? Neddie: About five pounds Bloodnok: Oooh, there'll be joybells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over! Neddie: Well...er.... Bloodnok: It'll be returned to you on your de-mob! Off you go, first door on your left. Neddie: This door? Bloodnok: That's the one! Neddie: Thank you! FX DOOR OPENING. SUDDEN HUGE BATTLE, SHOUTS, YELLS, BUGLE CALLS, MUSKETS, CANNON, THUNDER OF CAVALRY HOOVES, ETC. DOWN UNDER: Bill: Listeners may well like to know how a man can walk through a door in Marselles and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa! We're not giving all our secrets away, by Jove we're not! FX: UP, CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS. Moriarty: Siloncee! (sic) (FX OUT) Legion! Fall in! FX: ARMY FALLS IN. Moriarty: Silonce! Sacre Bleu, Sapristi Nockos! You there! You with the size 53 nut! Slooope...Umbrella! FX: PLATOON SLOPES ARMS Neddie: So this was the famous Legion. I drew myself to my full height and stared dead ahead at his belt! Moriarty: Tell mon petite France; can you march? Neddie: Only with my feet! Moriarty: Good! It's only 20 miles back to the fort! I hope for your sake, you will be able to keep up with us! Neddie: Oui mon Capitane! (aside) Keep up with them indeed! Did you not know that I was a Britisher?! Moriarty: Legion! By the left! Double march! FX: 'BLACK BEAR' TRIPLE MARCH BEHIND FAST MARCHING AS BEFORE. FADES. ORCHESTRA: 'ENGLISHMAN LOST IN DESERT THEME' Neddie: Alone in the African desert; without a compass or a guide! However, by carefully noting the position of the sun, I could tell it was still daytime! But this heat was hot! (gasps) I unbuttoned my overcoat! Then, just as I was about to cry, 'water!' I saw two people approaching.... (MIN AND HENRY APPROACHING.) Minnie: ...I told you the tide was out Henry, Henry: ...Not going home without having a paddle! Minnie: Listen Henry, the man will want another threepence for this deck chair, buddy. Neddie: Excuse me. Minnie: I don't want a donkey ride! Neddie: I don't intend to give you one! Henry: Young man, can you tell us where the sea is? Neddie: I'm afraid not. Henry: And you call yourself a lifeguard? Neddie: I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a legionnaire, and I've lost the fort! Henry: Where did you have it last? Neddie: I'm a legionnaire you know! A crack fighting force! Il ne patre pas! Marchent! (sings) Allons enfants de la Patria, (fades) la jour de glorie est arrive... Minnie: I wonder if that young man could help us. Henry: How Min? Minnie: To find Ned Seagoon! Henry: We don't need to ask anybody Min, we've got his description, its only a matter of keeping our eyes open! Minnie: Yes, we've just got to find a soldier wearing the Blue Shower necklace! Henry: Oh, I never thought of that! Minnie: And you call yourself a detective?! Henry: Minnie, keep quiet dear, or you'll break out in another rash! (Min and Henry fade out) ORCHESTRA: SAME 'LOST IN DESERT' THEME AGAIN Bill: Ten days later, the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the fort. Neddie: It wasn't ten days, it was three and a half weeks! Bill: At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform the listeners that according to the Radio Times it was ten days! However, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal in the desert we can forgive his inaccuracy. Neddie: I should know, shouldn't I, I was there, wasn't I? It was three and a half weeks! Moriarty: Ahhhh! A new recruit! Where have you been for the last ten days? Bill: ...And the Radio Times only costs threepence! Moriarty: Thank you! Tell me now, legionnaire, look at the state you're in! Covered in sand! Wherrrrrre have you been? Neddie: Iiiiiiin the desert! Moriarty: Aaaaa likely story! BUGLE: SOUNDS 'ALERT' Moriarty: Sacre Fred!! We're being attacked! Up on the walls men! If you want me, I'll be under my bed! Neddie: STOP!! Sir; there's only one of them! Moriarty: (off) Is he unarmed? Neddie: Yes! Moriarty: (on) Right men; FIRE! FX: FURIOUS RIFLE FIRE, LASTS THREE SECONDS, ENDS SUDDENLY Moriarty: Missed! I say, keep still out there! These bullets cost money! Neddie: Perhaps he has a message for us! (calls) Avez vous un meshoise for us?! Eccles: Oui! (sings) I'm only a strolling vagabond!... Neddie: Sir, sir, this idiot is my brother! Eccles! What are you doing dressed like an arab? Eccles: It's my Foreign Legion uniform! Neddie: It's not; it's the uniform of the Arabs! Eccles: Well, when I joined the Foreign Legion, they gave me this, closed the gates and said, 'good luck!' Neddie: I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again! Eccles, you've got tall! Eccles: Oooh, this isn't all me! Neddie: Isn't it? Eccles: Nope, I'm sitting on mudder's shoulders! Neddie: Mother's shoulders? Eccles: I couldn't get a camel! Ray: Neddie! My eldest boy! Neddie: Mother! Moriarty: May I 'ave ze honour of 'earing you play ze music? Ray: But, wiz pleasure! Ray Ellington Quartet; Naughty Lady of Shady Lane. (applause) FX: BLACK BEAR TRIPLE MARCH AS BEFORE. DOWN UNDER Neddie: In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day. During these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddled in Eccles' pack! Eccles: Oooh, you bin ridin' round in my pack? Neddie: You don't mind do you? Eccles: You'd better not let mudder know! Neddie: Why? Eccles: I bin ridin around in hers! (laughs) Neddie: Good old mater! Eccles: Yeah, Ooh, by the way Neddie, I saw the Captain last week, and he told me to tell you he wants you to see him in his office right away! Neddie: What? Why didn't you tell me last week? Eccles: Well, if I told you last week, you've forgotten by now! Neddie: Thank you Eccles! I am only a week late! A Week! FX: WHOOSH, SWIFT KNOCK Moriarty: Come in! Neddie: I'm terribly sorry sir, really I am, but I know I'm late but it's my own fault. My brother told me last week and I forgot. I am completely to blame. I should have reported to you last week when my brother informed me, but it slipped my memory, and the blame is entirely mine. Moriarty: Come in! FX; DOOR OPENING Neddie: It's all Eccles's fault sir! Moriarty: Never mind that now. I have a visitor to see you. Neddie: Visitor? Moriarty: First of all; how much is the Blue Shower necklace worth? Neddie: About er....a kings ransom! All depends on who the king is! (wild laugh)...ahem. Moriarty: So, you ARE Neddie Seagoon! I have a visitor for you. Entrez! FX: DOOR OPENS Grytpype: Ahh, Nephew Neddie! Neddie: Uncle Grytpype! Moriarty: Sacre Nom du Bleu, Sapristi Yakabakakas! Then it IS true! You ARE this charlie's uncle! Grytpype: I'm afraid so. Now Neddie; the necklace! Neddie: I haven't got it uncle! Grytpype: Search his neck! FX: NEDDIE'S NECK BEING SEARCHED,VARIOUS GRUNTS, GROANS, NEDDIE GURGLING, ETC. Moriarty: Curse! Nothing except this string of glass beads and a full-length portrait of his mother! Grytpype: Listen Neddie; I took the Blue Shower necklace; at the ball I hung up my jacket to do the Mambo, and when I returned, the pocket containing the necklace was gone! Neddie: What a dastardly trick! Who would want to rob you? Sir I didn't take it; honestly I didn't! ORCHESTRA: BUGLE CALL Moriarty: Sapristi Knockos! Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking! FX: ARABS ATTACKING; FULL BATTLE Neddie: It was a terrible battle! The enemy hurled themselves upon us with swords, rifles, machine guns, and worst of all, seven hundred rock-cakes! ORCHESTRA: BUGLE, RETREAT Neddie: Then it came! The order to retreat! We didn't know it at the time, but this was one of the greatest retreats in the history of war! Back we went as far as Morocco! FX: BATTLE UP, THEN DOWN... Neddie: To the African coast, still fighting! The Mediterranean was littered with Dow's and dead tampans as we gamely retreated! Twice we had to buy ammunition from the Arabs! Days turned into weeks! FX: BATTLE UP, THEN REFEREE'S WHISTLE. BATTLE STOPS. SOUNDS OF BIG CROWD... Custom Official: (Peter, bored) Next please. Anything to declare, watches, clocks, finery? Neddie: Nothing. Ray: Nothing. Eccles: Er... Custom Official: Well, anything to declare? Eccles: Um...oh...it's good to be alive! Custom Official: Yes. Pass along please. Next? Arab 1 (Harry): (furious Arabic) Custom Official: Thank you! Next? Arab 2 (Bill): (furious Arabic) Custom Official: Cor, there's thousands of them! All right, go straight through... FX: WHISTLE. BATTLE UP AGAIN. Neddie: And still the battle raged! Down the Southend Road, and up the Guildford Bypass! ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK Bill: Meantime, in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon, a lone figure lay in bed, idly dangling the Blue Shower. Bluebottle: E-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks; now that everybody is in the Foreign Legion, I'm next in line for the title! E-heee! Stares at pimply reflection in the Blue Shower, and at the same time, also thinks, Here in the countryside I'm safe! It's the others who'll get the dreaded deading! FX: BATTLE DRAWING NEARER. Bluebottle: What is that noise that tickles little Bluebottle's earholes? FX: DOOR OPENS Butler: Sir, it appears that your brothers have returned home, and furthermore.... Neddie: (entering) Hello Bluebottle, I'm glad to see...wait...YOU'VE got the Blue Shower! STOOOOOOOOP!!! (FX OUT) Gentlemen; I'm sorry, but you'll have to cease the battle now! OMNES: DISAPPOINTED CROWD MOANING Neddie: I'm sorry, but this is our home you know! And what's more, WE'VE FOUND THE NECKLACE!!! OMNES: CHEER! Bluebottle: But the necklace is mine! Nyya! Eccles: Hey, here you are Bluebottle, in return here's a rockcake! Bluebottle: Oooh, thank you Eccles! I like rockcakes I do, I like them, yes! Thinks, I've never seen a rockcake with a pin in it before! Ah well, I've had a good long run this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out. FX: EXPLOSION. ORCHESTRA: SAME PRETTY LITTLE ELIZABETHAN FLUTE AND HARP TUNE. Bill: High towers, the home of Lady Seagoon,.. FX: FALLING WHISTLE Bill: ...one butler, two cooks, four maids, eight-hundred-and-forty-two Arab gardeners, six horses, and... FX: THUMP! Bill: Ooooh! Bluebottle: Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you? Bill: YES, you little knobbly ham! Bluebottle: Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade, arn't you? Bill: That's right! Bluebottle: Well could I have a signed photograph of you? Cause I like you on the wireless! Bill: So do I! Have a toffee! Bluebottle: Thank you! Fancy you; oh you're bigger than I thought you was!... (Bill and Bluebottle wander off into the distance still talking...) ORCHESTRA: THEME UP, THEN DOWN UNDER... Bill: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellars, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Gelgray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, Announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA UP AND PLAY TO END. PLAYOUT: CRAZY RHYTHM; Max and Orchestra. ----------------------------------------------- Dramatis Personae: Peter Sellars: Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Grytpype Thynn, Henry Crun, Various Arabs, Custom Official. Spike Milligan: Eccles, Captain Moriarty, Minnie Bannister, Various other Arabs, Butler. Harry Secombe: Neddie Seagoon Ray Ellington: Lady Seagoon, and the bongos (also sings rather well!) Max Gelgray: The Harmonica Wallace Greenslade ('Bill'): Announcer, and various other Arabs. - transcribed from the original BBC broadcast by Steve (Chipper) Dale. 'It's the same the 'ole world over it's the poor wot gets the blame and the rich wot gets the pleasure ain't it all a bleedin' shame!'