First broadcast on January 25, 1955
Script by Spike Milligan
and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott
| Wallace: | This is the BBC Home Service |
| Peter: | Is there no relief? |
| Wallace: | Listeners, this is smiling Wallace Greenslade speaking to you. Here is good news: from time to time in the next half hour I will be appearing - hope you like me, kids! If, however, you are determined to hear the rest of it get well soon |
| Harry: | You over-paid word strangler, you! Ladies and gentlemen, he was about to apologise for the highly esteemed Goon Show |
| ORCHESTRA: | FLUTE AND HARP CALM AND FLOWING DUET LINK |
| Wallace: | High Towers with its great ivy-covered windows, relieved by mundane walls. This was the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon - 1 butler, 2 cooks, 3 maids, 6 gardeners, 8 horses, 14 cows, 7 pigs and Ned Seagoon |
| Neddy: | Yes, I am the honourable Neddy Seagoon, eldest son. We'd all been to the university, I took law while my brothers took medicine |
| Eccles: | We were ill! Ha-ha! (singing) I'm only a smiling - |
| Neddy: | Shut up Eccles! |
| Eccles: | Well i wasn't in it last week |
| Neddy: | I know you weren't. Well, it was the year 1908, we'd just come from Baylial School, Cambridge. Oh, it was pleasant to be home and I walked around the even lawn pausing only to smooth down the places my brother had buried a bone. Then I noticed my uncle Grytpype- Thynne. He was idly climbing out of a hammock which hung easily between my two brothers |
| Grytpype: | Ah, nephew Neddy! Looking forward to the ball tonight? |
| Neddy: | Oh yes, sir! |
| Grytpype: | Good |
| Neddy: | My mother will be wearing the Blue Shower Necklace worth a King's ransom, been in the family 300 years |
| Grytpype: | She's kept remarkably well |
| Neddy: | No, no, no, the Blue Shower |
| Grytpype: | Yes. Neddy I have a little present for you |
| Neddy: | Oh thank you, uncle, you're always giving me presents. First a christening mug and now this! |
| Grytpype: | It's a book |
| Neddy: | A book! Oh yes, I've seen one of these before. Wait, I think I've read this, what's it called? 10 and 6 net? Yes, I've read this, I've read the sequel too, 12 and 6 net |
| Grytpype: | I wonder if it would be wiser to draw pictures for him. It's called "Beau Geste" Neddy |
| Neddy: | Lovely, I'll read it tomorrow |
| Grytpype: | No, no, you must read it all before the ball tonight. Oh, and here's a bookmark |
| Neddy: | I say, that's rather novel, it's a single ticket to Marseilles |
| Grytpype: | Well done. I say, you're quite sure your mother is wearing the Blue Shower tonight? |
| Neddy: | Of course |
| Grytpype: | Read |
| Neddy: | "Beau Geste", what a wonderful book. During the next five minutes I read it again and again. On the last page was a note from uncle, it read "Pass it on to your brothers, I've given them both bookmarks". What a kind man uncle was, I passed it on |
| Eccles: | Oh look! Look what Neddy's given us |
| Bluebottle: | Tee-hee! Let's put some wheels on it, then we can pull it round. So enters honourable Bluebottle, the third son. I like this rich game. Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky-lad! Signals butler to wipe my nose |
| Neddy: | Dear brothers, that thing there is a book |
| Bluebottle: | Go on, read it to little Bluebottle, Eccles. I like it when you read to me, you know that? Sits in listening pose so as not to miss dinner gong |
| Eccles: | Right, let me see, it's called "Beau Gost", er "Beau Goste" - shall I draw a pussycat? |
| Bluebottle: | No go on, read it Eccles, it was just getting interesting |
| Eccles: | Yeah, well it starts off - |
| Bluebottle: | What does it say? |
| Eccles: | (struggling over each word) "Once upon a ti - tim- |
| Bluebottle: | Time! |
| Eccles: | Time! That's it, I knew it was a W |
| Neddy: | Enjoying it? |
| Eccles: | Yeah, it's a funny book, ha ha! |
| Bluebottle: | Yeah, it's a funny book, hee-hee! |
| Eccles: | It's a really funny book, ha-ha-ha! |
| Neddy: | Perhaps I read it wrongly. After all, both my brothers held university degrees. Do you mind if I listen while you read? |
| Eccles: | Well okay, yeah! Um, let's see now: "Then the big giant walked over the hill with a big club in each hand" |
| Neddy: | Where's that? |
| Eccles: | There! |
| Neddy: | There? It says "The garden was bathed in the cold light of the august moon" |
| Eccles: | Shall I draw a pussycat? |
| Bluebottle: | Tee-hee! |
| Neddy: | Then I'll read it for you |
| Neddy: | "Once upon a time there were three brothers - (speeds up to gibberish) |
| ORCHESTRA: | MYSTIC HARP CHORDS LINK |
| Everyone: | crowd noises over speech |
| Grytpype: | Ah, nephew Neddy, enjoying the ball? |
| Neddy: | Immensely, I've danced every dance |
| Grytpype: | Oh, who's the lucky girl? |
| Neddy: | I don't bother with them, I'm much better on my own |
| Grytpype: | Charming. by the way, did you red "Beau Geste"? |
| Neddy: | Oh yes, about the three brothers who having come back from Baylial School attended a ball where their mother's diamond was stolen and rather than sneaking on each other joined the foreign legion |
| Grytpype: | Right load of charlies - I mean noble lads! |
| Neddy: | You know, uncle, that's the sort of thing I'd do. Honouris Temperal Gratis, up the school, last man in and ten runs to get (sings) Boots, boots, boots, boots, tramping over Africa! There's no discharge in the worldddd! |
| Grytpype: | You silly twisted boy, you! By the way have you got the ticket to Marsei - I mean the bookmark? |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Ray: | (shouting) Neddy! |
| Neddy: | Yes, mother? |
| Ray: | Come in to my room! |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENED AND SLAMMED |
| Ray: | Okay, which one of you three layabouts has it? |
| Spike: | He was alright at the audition |
| Ray: | The Blue Shower Necklace has been pinched! |
| Neddy: | Just like the book! |
| Eccles: | Oh, has that been pinched too? |
| Ray: | If that necklace hasn't been returned by tomorrow I'll send for the po-lice |
| Neddy: | At the mention of the police we all went white |
| Ray: | Get me a mirror! |
| Neddy: | Listen, mother - |
| Ray: | I don't want to know, come on off you go to your rooms, you've got until tomorrow |
| GRAMS: | THREE WHOOSHES IN QUICK SUCCESSION, THREE DOORS SLAMMED IN QUICK SUCCESSION |
| Grytpype: | To think that the Blue Shower has cost me only 10 and 6 net, oh yes and 3 novel bookmarks. So far so good. (singing) I'm only a strolling vagabond, so good - (talking) Ah, here we are, Neddy's room! |
| FX: | THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR |
| Grytpype: | Oh Neddy, it's your rich uncle |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND OPENS DOOR |
| Grytpype: | Ned - Oh splendid, lad! He's gone and a farewell note to his mother, how charming |
| Spike: | The devilish cunning of it all! |
| Grytpype: | And that isn't all. Geldray, play Neddy's journey to Marseilles |
| MUSIC: | MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA |
| GRAMS: | MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP, MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS |
| Neddy: | Stop! (stops immediately) I haven't joined yet! It had been a pleasant journey in a first-class railway coach marked H-Verks 40-ons and one Charley. And now here I was in the legion recruiting centre at Marseilles. I was just reading the second wall when the door opened |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS |
| Major: | Oooh! Moulin Rouge, Foli Bijou and other naughty French words. So you want to join the legion, ey? |
| Neddy: | I gazed at the legion officer, his skin was burnt fiery red by the hot Algerian brandy. On his breast was a coloured ribbon on which dangled a penny |
| Major: | We can't all have medals, you know. Now, my lad, a few questions: Name? |
| Neddy: | Ned Seagoon |
| Major: | Ned S E A G O O O O doubleO N |
| Neddy: | Oui, mon capitain |
| Major: | Oh, you're German! |
| Neddy: | No, I'm a true Britisher |
| Major: | Well that's a novelty. You speak French? |
| Neddy: | Oui, mon capitain je parle francais dans le legion |
| Major: | Well you'll just have to learn it, same as I did. now for the jackpot question: have you any money or valuables on you? |
| Neddy: | About £5 |
| Major: | Oh, there'll be joy-bells in the NAAFI tonight! Hand it over |
| Neddy: | But, I mean, look here - |
| Major: | It will be returned to you on your demob. Off you go, first door on the left |
| Neddy: | This door? |
| Major: | That's the one |
| Neddy: | Thank you |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS |
| GRAMS: | MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS |
| Wallace: | Listeners may like to know how one can walk through a door in Marseilles and appear in the thick of a battle in Africa. We're not giving all our secrets away, by Jove we're not |
| GRAMS: | MILITARY TRUMPET TUNES SPED UP (ADVANCE AND RETREAT) OVER SCREAMS |
| Moriarty: | Silence! Legion will fall in! |
| Everyone: | disgruntled asides |
| Moriarty: | Silence! Sacre-bleu sapristi-knuckle! You there! You with the size 53 nut count off! March! |
| FX: | ONE MAN MARCHING AND SHOUTING AS HE GOES |
| Moriarty: | Silence! slope umbrellas! |
| FX: | SOUND OF LONG OBJECT BEING SLANTED OVER SHOULDER |
| Neddy: | So this was the famous legion. I drew myself to my full height and stared dead-ahead at his belt |
| Moriarty: | Tell me, my petit frog, can you march? |
| Neddy: | only with my feet |
| Moriarty: | Good! It's only twenty miles back to the fort. I hope, for your sake, you will be able to keep up with us |
| Neddy: | Oui, mon capitain. Keep up with him, indeed! Ha-ha! Little did he know that I was a Britisher |
| Moriarty: | (in distance) Legion, by the left, quick march! |
| GRAMS: | MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP |
| ORCHESTRA: | DRAMATIC SLOW TUNE, AS IN "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" ONE MAN PLOUGHING THROUGH THE SANDS OF THE DESERT ALONE AND LOST |
| Neddy: | Alone in the African desert without a compass or a guide. However, by carefully noting the position of the sun I could tell it was still daytime. But this heat was hot. I unbuttoned my overcoat and just as I was about to call "water" I saw two people approaching |
| Henry: | Dear dear |
| Minnie: | Dear dear, I told you, Henry, the tide was out |
| Henry: | We're not going back home without having a paddle |
| Minnie: | Listen, Henry, the man will want another thruppence for this, buddy |
| Neddy: | Excuse me - |
| Minnie: | I don't want a donkey ride |
| Neddy: | I don't intend to give you one |
| Henry: | Young man, can you tell us where the sea is? |
| Neddy: | I'm afraid not |
| Henry: | And you call yourself a lifeguard? |
| Neddy: | I'm not a lifeguard, I'm a legionnaire, but I've lost the fort |
| Henry: | Where did you have it last? I asked him when he had it last, Minnie |
| Minnie: | I thought he was a donkey man |
| Henry: | Well no |
| Minnie: | You can't get the donkeys |
| Minnie and Henry: | take turns at saying "No you can't" for several minutes |
| Neddy: | I'm sorry to butt in, but I have to find the fort. I'm a legionnaire, you know. The crack fighting force, let them all come, ils ne passeront pas Ha-ha! (sings French anthem as he goes into the distance) |
| Minnie: | I wonder if that young man could help us |
| Henry: | How, Min? |
| Minnie: | To find Ned Seagoon |
| Henry: | We don't have to ask anybody, Min., we have his description, it's only a matter of keeping our eyes open |
| Minnie: | We've only got to find the soldier wearing the Blue Shower Necklace |
| Henry: | Well I never thought of that |
| Minnie: | And you call yourself a detective! |
| Henry: | Minnie, keep quiet, dear, or you'll break out in another rash |
| ORCHESTRA: | DRAMATIC SLOW TUNE, AS IN "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" ONE MAN PLOUGHING THROUGH THE SANDS OF THE DESERT ALONE AND LOST |
| Wallace: | 10 days later the weary figure of Ned Seagoon approached the fort |
| Neddy: | (out of breath) It wasn't 10 days, it was 3 and a half weeks |
| Wallace: | At the risk of being volatile, I would like to inform listeners that according to the Radio Times it was 10 days, however, after Ned Seagoon's ordeal in the desert we can forgive his inaccuracy |
| Neddy: | I should know, shouldn't I? I was here, wasn't I? It was 3 and a half weeks |
| Moriarty: | Ah, our new recruit! Where have you been for the last ten days? |
| Wallace: | And the Radio Times only costs thruppence |
| Moriarty: | Thank you. Tell me now, legionnaire, look at the state you're in, covered in sand, where have you been? |
| Neddy : | In the desert |
| Moriarty: | A likely story! |
| ORCHESTRA: | LONE TRUMPET PLAYS A REFRAIN THREE TIMES TO ANNOUNCE A VISITOR |
| Moriarty: | Sacre Fred! We're being attacked! Up on the wall, men! If you want me, I'll be under the bed |
| Neddy: | Stop! Sir, there's only one of them |
| Moriarty: | Is he unarmed? |
| Neddy: | Yes |
| Moriarty: | Right men, fire! |
| GRAMS: | HUNDREDS OF GUNS BEING FIRED OF VARIED TYPES (MACHINE GUNS, PISTOLS, RIFLES, ETC.) |
| Moriarty: | Missed! I say, keep still out there, these bullets cost money! |
| Neddy: | Perhaps he has a message for us. Avez vous une message pour us? |
| Eccles: | Oui. (sings) I'm only a lonely - |
| Neddy: | Sir, this idiot is my brother. Eccles, what are you doing dressed as an Arab? |
| Eccles: | It's my foreign legion uniform |
| Neddy: | It's not, it's the uniform of the Arabs |
| Eccles: | Well, when I joined the Foreign Legion they gave me this, closed the gates, and said "Good luck" |
| Neddy: | I ran to let my brother in. It was good to see him again. Eccles, you've got tall! |
| Eccles: | Oh, this isn't all me! |
| Neddy: | Isn't it? |
| Eccles: | No, I'm sitting on mother's shoulders |
| Neddy: | Mother's shoulders? |
| Eccles: | I couldn't get a camel |
| Ray: | Neddy, my eldest boy! |
| Neddy: | Mother! Mother, what are you doing here? This is a white-man's grave |
| Ray: | What's the matter with you, colour-blind? |
| Moriarty: | Mother, may I have the honour of playing you the music? |
| Ray: | With pleasure |
| MUSIC: | RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "THE NAUGHTY LADY OF SHADY LANE" |
| GRAMS: | MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING SPED UP |
| Neddy: | In the next few weeks we must have marched hundreds of miles a day. During these marches not a word of complaint passed my lips as I sat huddle in Eccles' pack |
| Eccles: | Ooh, you been riding around in my pack? |
| Neddy: | You don't mind, do you? |
| Eccles: | You'd better not let mother know |
| Neddy: | Why? |
| Eccles: | I've been riding around in hers! Ha-ha! |
| Neddy: | Good old mater |
| Eccles: | Yeah. Oh by the way. Neddy, I saw the Captain last week and he told me to tell you that he wants to see you in his office right away |
| Neddy: | What? Why didn't you tell me last week? |
| Eccles: | Well if I told you last week you would have forgotten by now |
| Neddy: | Yes, thank you Eccles. I'm only a week late. A week! |
| GRAMS: | WHOOSH! |
| FX: | THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR |
| Moriarty: | Come in! |
| Neddy: | I'm terribly sorry, sir, really I am. I know I'm late but it's my own fault. My brother told me last week and I forgot. I am completely to blame. I should have reported to you last week when my brother informed me but it slipped my memory and the blame is entirely mine |
| Moriarty: | Come in! |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS |
| Neddy: | It's all Eccles's fault, sir! |
| Moriarty: | Never mind, now. I have a visitor to see you, sir |
| Neddy: | A visitor? |
| Moriarty: | First of all, how much is the Blue Shower Necklace worth? |
| Neddy: | About a King's ransom, all depends on who the King is! Ha-Ha! |
| Moriarty: | So, you are Neddy Seagoon, I have a visitor for you. Entrez! |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS |
| Grytpype: | Ah nephew Neddy |
| Neddy: | Uncle Grytpype |
| Moriarty: | Sacre-nonduci-fristi-yacka-backaras. Then it is true, you are this charlie's uncle |
| Grytpype: | I'm afraid so. Now, Neddy, the necklace! |
| Neddy: | I haven't got it, uncle |
| Grytpype: | Search his neck! |
| Neddy: | Aaaaah! |
| Moriarty: | Curses, nothing but a string of glass beads and a full-length portrait of his mother |
| Grytpype: | Listen, Neddy, I took the Blue Shower Necklace, but at the ball I hung up my jacket to do the mambo and when I returned the pocket containing the necklace was gone |
| Neddy: | What a dastardly trick! Who'd want to rob you? But I didn't take it, honestly I didn't |
| ORCHESTRA: | LONE TRUMPET REFRAIN OF ATTACK |
| Moriarty: | Sapristi-knuckles! Man the walls! The Arabs are attacking! |
| GRAMS: | BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS |
| Neddy: | (over GRAMS) It was a terrible battle, the enemy hurled themselves at us with swords, rifles and machine-guns, and worst of all - 700 rock-cakes! |
| GRAMS: | BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS CALLING THE RETREAT |
| Neddy: | (over GRAMS) Then it came, the order to retreat. We didn't know it at the time but this was one of the greatest retreats in the history of war. Back we went, as far as Morocco, to the African core still fighting, the Mediterranean was littered with doers and dead sampans as we gamely retreated. Twice we had to buy ammunition from the Arabs. Days turned into weeks |
| FX: | WHISTLE BLOWN, GRAMS STOP IMMEDIATELY |
| Everyone: | huge crowd of people waiting to go through customs over speech |
| Peter: | (slightly camp) Next please, anything to declare? Watches, clocks, finery? |
| Neddy: | Nothing |
| Moriarty: | Nothing |
| Ray: | Nothing |
| Peter: | Well, anything to declare? |
| Eccles: | It's good to be alive! |
| Peter: | Yes, pass along please. Next |
| Harry: | Welsh gibberish |
| Peter: | Thank you, next |
| Spike: | Indian gibberish |
| Peter: | God there's hundreds of them. Alright, go straight through |
| FX: | WHISTLE BLOWN |
| GRAMS: | BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS |
| Neddy: | And still the battle raged, down the South End Road and up the Guildford bypass (GRAMS die down) |
| ORCHESTRA: | HARP PLAYS MYSTIC CHORDS LINK |
| Wallace: | Meantime in the ancestral home of Lady Seagoon a lone figure lay in bed idly dangling the Blue Shower Necklace |
| Bluebottle: | Tee-hee! I'm a happy-go-lucky rich boy! Thinks: now that everyone is in the Foreign Legion I'm next in line for the title. Tee-hee-he! Stares at pimply reflection in the Blue Shower and at the same time also thinks: here in the countryside I am safe. It's the others who will get the dreaded deading |
| GRAMS: | IN DISTANCE BATTLE SCREAMS AND TRUMPETS BLARING AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS |
| Bluebottle: | What is that sound that tickles little Bluebottle's ear-hole? |
| FX: | DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, GRAMS GET LOUDER |
| Peter: | (Butler) Sir, it would appear your brothers have returned home, and furthermore - |
| Neddy: | Hello, Bluebottle, I'm glad to see that - Wait! You've got the Blue Shower. Stop! (GRAMS stop immediately) Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you have to cease the battle now |
| Everyone: | groans and complaints |
| Neddy: | I know you're upset, I'm sorry, but this is our home, you know. And what's more we've found the necklace |
| Everyone: | Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! |
| Bluebottle: | But the necklace is mine. Nay nay, nay nay, nay |
| Eccles: | Here you go, Bluebottle, in return here's a rock-cake |
| Bluebottle: | Oh thank you, Eccles. I like rock-cakes I do, I like them. Yes. Thinks: I've never seen a rock-cake with a pin in it before. Oh well, I had a good long run this week. Stands to one side and pulls pin out |
| GRAMS: | EXPLOSION, BITS OF METAL AND GLASS HITTING GROUND |
| ORCHESTRA: | FLUTE AND HARP CALM AND FLOWING DUET LINK |
| Wallace: | High Towers, the home of Lady Seagoon, 1 butler, 2 cooks, 4 maids |
| GRAMS: | WHINING SOUND OVER SPEECH AS IN BOMB FALLING FROM A PLANE |
| Wallace: | And 842 Arab gardeners, 6 horses and - |
| FX: | GRAMS STOP, HEAVY OBJECT FALLS ON TOP OF WALLACE (THUMP NOISE) |
| Wallace: | Ooooh! |
| Bluebottle: | Oh I'm sorry, did I fall on you? |
| Wallace: | Yes, you small knobbly ham |
| Bluebottle: | Oh, you're smiling Wallace Greenslade 'aint you? |
| Wallace: | That's right |
| Bluebottle: | Listen, could I have a signed photograph of you? 'Cause I like you on the wireless |
| Wallace: | So do I, have a toffee |
| Bluebottle: | Thank you. 'Cor, fancy this, you're bigger than I thought you were. 'Cause I like you on the wireless |
| ORCHESTRA: | CLOSING THEME TUNE |
| Wallace: | That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. |
| ORCHESTRA: | FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT |