Series 5, Episode 21, Broadcast 15 February 1955

The Sinking Of Westminster Pier

ORCHESTRA: TA DA!

Wallace: Clear the floor for the East Acton Working Man's Club Crazy

Cabaret

Harry: Act number one is the highly esteemed - Goon Show!

ORCHESTRA: TA DA!

Harry: Now, Mr. Greenslade, put down that Radio Times, cast off that

bamboo kilt and give the listeners the old posh chat there. Do the old

wireless talk, Wal, go on Wal, right up you, Wal

Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen this week, as stated in the Radio Times, we

give you the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street

Harry: Sorry, Greenslade, we're not doing that, Wallace

Wallace: Oh yes we are

Harry: Not this week, no

Wallace: But we are, you see on page 24 of my Radio Times it states quite

clearly "The Six Ingots Of Leadenhall Street"

Harry: I know, but we changed it, you see

Wallace: But the Radio Times never lies!

Peter: (Announcer) Tonight we give you the story of the port of London

authorities valuable hand-carved oil-painted valuable floating pier

ORCHESTRA: LONE WAILING VIOLIN OVER SPEECH

Peter: (exaggerated narrator / poet )Oooooh, 'twas the month of February in

1955, when the valuable floating pier at Westminster suddenly took a

dive. On board the sinking pier Fred Harding was having his tea, when

the icy waters closed over his head and he screamed - (Violin stops)

Harry: (strained voice, unemotional) Oh deary me!

Peter: (Violin starts again) But 600 Westminster firemen with hook and ladder

and line, worked with tigerish courage sank the whole lot before 9!

And oooooh!

GRAMS: BUBBLING OF DROWNING OBJECT

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC DESCENDING CHORDS

FX: 3 HITS OF A JUDICIAL HAMMER

Peter: (Spiv) Attention, Westminster Councillors! Enquiry in to the sinking of

the valuable Westminster Peer on the 7th of Feb 1955 is now in the

old session, there! Chairman Mr. Ned Seagoon - and a right charley he

looks in that cardboard trilby over there!

Neddy: (clears throat) Gentlemen, for the Port of London Authority I must

state the day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank it was

inspected and certified river-worthy

Spike: Who was the man who inspected it?

Peter: (Spiv) It was none other than -

Neddy: I resign!

Peter: Resignation accepted on the grounds of incompetence, anyone else

want the old job, there?

Neddy: I'll take it on

Peter: Right, name?

Neddy: Ned Seagoon

Peter: Same as the last bloke, all right carry on

Neddy: Now did anyone actually see the Pier sink?

Willium: Yes mate, Jim Tula

Neddy: Then why isn't he here?

Willium: He went down with it, mate

Neddy: I see. Right- lunch!

GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING

Peter: Here wait minute! Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! We've got some more

witnesses yet

Neddy: Oh, very well. Throat?

Throat: Yes?

Neddy: Postpone lunch

Throat: Right

Neddy: Good

Throat: Right

Peter: Next witness!

FX: VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING CLOSER

AND THEN WALKING AWAY, DOOR SLAMS

Neddy: Right, next witness! What? No one else? Right - lunch!

GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING

Eccles: Stop! Hello!

Neddy: Who are you, you ragged idiot?

Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles

Neddy: Famous? I've never heard of you

Eccles: What? You've heard of Clapham Common!?

Neddy: Yes

Eccles: Well you mind what you say

Neddy: What? Now look here let's get down to the important question, what

caused a valuable Westminster Pier to sink?

Willium: As a member of the police, may I make a suggestion, mate?

Neddy: Police? You're not Fagin of the yard

Willium: No, I can't act for toffee, I can't

Neddy: Neither can he. Now, do you suspect sabotage?

Willium: No, he's in the clear

Neddy: Then whom do you suspect?

Willium: Russian frogmen dunnit, mate

Neddy: What is their motive?

Willium: Oo, I don't in to their private affairs, mate, I just accuses 'em, that's

all

Neddy: Are you sure the Russians did it?

Willium: Well I 'aint, mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, dunnit?

Neddy: Hmmmmm - right, lunch!

GRAMS: HUNDREDS OF FEET RUNNING OUT OF BUILDING,

PIGS SNORTING

Wallace: Meantime, on a fish train, travelling from Leeds to Salisbury

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA

Neddy: For a week we tried to raise the valuable sunken Westminster Pier,

but failed miserably. Then yesterday a professor offered me a service

Henry: Good morning

Neddy: Good morning, sir

Minnie: Good morning, buddy

Neddy: (laughing to himself) Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can

raise the pier. ey?

Minnie and Henry: Oh yes, yes! We can! We've done it any times!

Neddy: Splendid. Now, what is your profession?

Minnie and Henry: Ooooh!

Minnie: We're Oyster Sexers

Neddy: Oyster sexers?

Minnie: Yes, we can tell the difference, you know?

Neddy: At your age that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not

interested in oyster sexing

Henry: Ah, but you're not an oyster, are you?

Neddy: Mr. Crun -

Henry: What what hat?

Neddy: If I was an oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman

of the Westminster Pie Salvage Committee can you?

Henry: Why not, ey? Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an

oyster be chairman?

Neddy: Because an oyster can't talk

Henry: Have you ever spoken to one?

Neddy: Hhhmmmm, no!

Minnie and Henry: Aaaah!

Henry: So you don't know, do you?

Minnie: No

Henry: No, no. Now look, we've got an oyster here

Minnie: Fred

Henry: Yes, put it on the desk, there you are Min -

FX: SHELL ON DESK (COCONUT SHELLS)

Henry: There, go on, speak to it!

Neddy: Speak to it? This is absurd, I, I can't -

Minnie: No, go on buddy, yakaboo! Speak to it, speak to it!

Neddy: No, I refuse. I can't -

Henry: Yes you can, try. Then you can find out if it can speak

Minnie: Yes!

Neddy: (clears throat) Um..... Good morning! Ha-ha! This is madness! You

can't -

Henry: You'll have to speak louder he can't hear you

Neddy: Of course not, the oyster's closed

Henry: Closed? Wednesday! Of course, it's early closing!

Minnie and Henry: Shout loud to it! Shout loud to it!

Neddy: (louder) Good morning, I see that it's early closing for oysters

GRAMS: FRED THE OYSTER: SHELL SCRAPES AS IT TURNS,

CREAKS OPEN, DONKEY EEE-AUGHS TWICE,

RASBERRY, CREAKS SHUT, SHELL CLOSES

Neddy: How dare he do that to me, give me that oyster here! (gulps) There,

that's the last you'll hear of him (belches) Pardon!

Minnie: Oooooh! You naughty man, you've eaten Fred our oyster

Henry: We'll call the police constable!

Neddy: (over their shouts) Get out of here! You can't -

FX: WHILE THE THREE ARGUE DOOR IS TAKEN OFF HINGES,

FADE AWAY, DOOR SLAMMED SHUT

Neddy: Good heavens! Is there no one who can salvage the highly valuable

Westminster Pier? I'd pay anything!

GRAMS: WHOOSH!

Moriarty: Ooooh! Pardon me, my ami, mon card

Neddy: Thank you, but there's nothing on it!

Moriarty: Look on the other side

Neddy: Oh, that's a silly place to have it printed - on the back! What's this?

"Messrs Fred Moriarty Ltd. - Sunken Westminster Floating Pier

Salvage Expert"? Gad! Just the man we want!

Moriarty: Supristi! You mean the Westminster floating Pier has sunk?

Neddy: Yes

Moriarty: At last - employment! All these years I've waited!

Neddy: Well tell me, how do we raise the pier?

Moriarty: Oh, don't raise the pier!

Neddy: What then?

Moriarty: Lower the river

Neddy: Gad! Genius! Absolute genius! But can you do it?

Moriarty: Supristi yacka-backaras of course I can. My partner, the

Honourable Grytpype-Thynne is the greatest water remover in the

world! Follow me!

GRAMS: WHOOSH! WHOOSH!

FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR

Grytpype-Thynne: Come in!

FX: DOOR OPENS

GRAMS: SWIMMING THROUGH WATER OVER SPEECH

Neddy: I entered a room 4 foot deep in water. Up to his neck in it Grytpype-

Thynne was sitting on a rubber dinghy smoking a Jim-filled Hooker

Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy! Have a glass of water

Neddy: (gulp) Thank you

Grytpype-Thynne: Have another. Drink as much as you can

Neddy: Why?

Grytpype-Thynne: The basement's flooded

Neddy: But I thought you were an expert water remover

Grytpype-Thynne: Oh I am, it's my day off!

Neddy: I see

Grytpype-Thynne: So you want us to lower the level of the Thames?

Neddy: Yes

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, well that will be 30 bob a day for the hire of the

pumps

Neddy: Pumps?

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, I always wear them, they don't draw the feet, you

know? I hate having my feet drawn, except by Graham

Sutherland. then for the work, well the work shall we say

10 pounds for every hour pumping?

Neddy: 10 pounds for every hour?

Grytpype-Thynne: I accept! Sign here please And here! And here!

FX: SCRATCHING OF PEN NIB ON PAPER

Grytpype-Thynne: And here! And on this cheque. Now this one. And here!

This small cheque here. Bank guarantee, mortgage, pawn

ticket, here's your insurance policy, just there! This

contract! Indemnity clause here! Watch, chain, thank

you! Now have a glass of water

Neddy: (gulp) Thank you

Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid. I want you to drink as much as you can

Neddy: Why, is it good for me?

Grytpype-Thynne: No, good for my grandmother

Neddy: Why?

Grytpype-Thynne: She's under all this lot. Right, Neddy, we'll be there in the

morning and I take it you'll have the money ready, hmm?

Neddy: Yes. Hurrah! Then tomorrow my name will be famous. Neddy

Seagoon - the man who raised the Westminster sunken floating Pier

and the good old Port of London Authorities flag will fly once more

and the crowd will sing - (singing) For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For

he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seeagoooooon and so

say all of us!

Grytpype-Thynne: You silly twisted boy

Neddy: Thank you. Then you'll start pumping out the river tomorrow, ey?

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, 'til tomorrow then, Neddy

Neddy: A demain!

FX: DOOR SLAMS

Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!? We shall make a fortune out of this charley. But

first let us hear Gladys Ellington and her lean Water

Baby

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "MY LEAN LADY"

Wallace: And now, the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 3, in which Neddy

Seagoon is attacked by a drink crazed Peruvian Trombonist with

rumpled feet and then -

Harry: Wallace, we're not doing that this week

Wallace: But page 24 of my Radio Time says -

Harry: I don't care what your Radio Times says, Wallace, we're not doing it!

Wallace: But the Editor is a friend of mine and the Radio Times never lies!

Harry: I don't care! We're not doing it Wallace (fades out)

Peter: (exaggerated theatrical narrator) Oooooh!

ORCHESTRA: LONE VIOLIN OVER SPEECH

Peter: So Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne started to pump the river, and as the

weather was very cold sometimes they were both want for to shiver.

They pumped and pumped but the River Thames didn't get any lower,

but this didn't worry Grytpype-Thynne as he was being paid by the

hour. And Oooooh, the pump fiend did pump and roar

GRAMS: HEAVY MACHINERY PUMPING OVER SPEECH

Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, not in blossom

Grytpype-Thynne: How much does he owe us no, Moriarty?

Moriarty: Er, we've pumped 60,000 gallons - that's 3 Million Pounds

Grytpype-Thynne: Lovely, lovely

Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, just not in blossom,

her comes the charley!

Neddy: I say! I say, Grytpype!?

Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy, have a glass of water

Neddy: (gulp) Thanks

Grytpype-Thynne: Every little helps, you know?

Neddy: That's just it. You've been pumping for 8 weeks now and the river

hasn't gone down 1 inch!

Grytpype-Thynne: Well you can't rush these things, laddie. You've come to

pay us the old -

Neddy: yes, yes. Here it is, 3 million pounds

FX: CASH REGISTER

Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you

Neddy: But that's the last of it, you know? Treasury's nearly broke!

Grytpype-Thynne: Nonsense. Have a glass of water

Neddy: (gulp) Thank you. Now listen, if in the next 24 hours the river is still

full of water the government is going to step in

Grytpype-Thynne: Good riddance to them! Now let's see, e have 3 million,

Moriarty (goes off singing "April in Paris")

Neddy: Wait! I say, wait! Where were they pumping all the water to? It wad

then I noticed a long pipe. I followed it, along the Embankment, past

Vauxhall, Chelsea Bridge, Putney Bridge, Barmsbridge, Malt Lake

Brewery - hmm! Malt Lake Brewery!

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, SLAMS DOOR, LONG PAUSE,

DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Neddy: (drunk, singing) April in Paris, Aaaaaaapri (hiccup)

GRAMS: MAN FALLING IN WATER, SPLASHING IN WATER

Neddy: (distant)Heeeelp! Heeelp! I'm drowning, and I'm with the dreaded

alcohol!

Bloodnok: (over splashing and calls) Thud me ninging nurgelers, is it? Gad,

but no! Where's me old photographs? It's me old bat man Neddy

Seagoon having a swim in mid-February, the naughty man! I say,

Old Seagoon, it's me!

Neddy: Heeeeelp!

Bloodnok: Me, Major Bloodnok, of the Third Regular Army Deserters. I say,

Seagoon, remember that day in Puna at the Muratari's

Restaurant? Oh she was a boutique biddy, oh yes!

Neddy: I'm drowning!

Bloodnok: Don't interrupt, please. I took her to Grant road and - what?

Drowning, you say? Surely not drowning!

Neddy: Heeeeeelp!

Bloodnok: Not Neddy Seagoon drowning, not my old bat man, not drowning!

Why you were the plunging and trudgeon stroke champion of

Turkey weren't you? Let me see, it must have been 1903 I -

Neddy: (gurgling water) Help me!

Bloodnok: 1904! I remember now. Save you, lad? I can't swim, lad. But wait a

moment, I know a fellow at Hackney who's an excellent

swimmer. I'll go and get him. Lend me the cab fare, lad

Neddy: Get me out!

Bloodnok: What? Give us your hand then

GRAMS: STRUGGLING TO GET MAN OUT OF WATER

Neddy: (closer) Thanks, there's five shillings -

FX: COINS JANGLING

Neddy: Now hurry up and get him before I drown

Bloodnok: Right. No no, wait! You're soaking wet! Laddie, let we wring out

your wallet, and that watch! That gold Hunter, they mustn't be

dropped in water these Hunters you know!? It will get ruined in

that water. Oh you naughty man you! I'll preserve it for you, lad.

Now take off that damp money belt you have on, my goodness

you mustn't have those sort of things. That's right, lad. Now off

with those wet clothes, coat and trousers, vest and underpants,

shoes and - (under breath) Oh we'll flog this lot - Good Heavens

man! What? You can't stand there naked, get back in the water,

there!

Neddy: Right! Hup!

GRAMS: HUGE SPLASH

Neddy: (distant) Heeeeelp!

Bloodnok: I say, wait there, don't go away

GRAMS: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS GOING INTO DISTANCE

Neddy: I never saw him again. I dragged myself ashore on a pipe. A pipe that I

discovered - so this was Grytpype's game, ey? He'd been pumping

water out of the Thames at Westminster and back to the river at Malt

Lake. The crook! That night I decided to revenge myself on Grytpype,

and to destroy the pump for and on the behalf of the Port of London

Authority

GRAMS: BIG BEN CHIMES OVER SPEECH

Neddy: (whisper) Shhh! This way! Got the dynamite?

Bluebottle: I have got the dynamite, my Captain. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for

light audience sausanges, thank you! Moves forward under gas

light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law". Thinks: I have

moved under the gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the

Law"!

Neddy: Shhh! Eccles?

Eccles: Eccles? Oh, that's me!

Neddy: Help little Bluebottle arrange the dynamite

Eccles: Okay. You ready to start, Bluebottle?

Bluebottle: Yes, I'm ready. Pulls out cardboard cut-out sword

Eccles: Ooh! Mind what you're doing!

Bluebottle: Long live the Port of London Authorities. I will not rest until the

forces of evil are swattinged! And the valuable Westminster Pier

is raised! Thinks: I will not rest until the forces of evil -

Neddy: Shut up!

Eccles: Shut up!

Neddy: Shut up Eccles!

Eccles: Shut up Eccles!

Neddy: Come on, get the rest of the dynamite off Ellington's head

Eccles: Come on now!

Ray: Me carry dynamite! Me strong!

Bluebottle: Are you strong Ellington?

Ray: Me strong!

Bluebottle: Ooh! Are you strong, Eccles?

Eccles: No, I 'aint strong, are you?

Bluebottle: No, but Ellington's strong

Eccles: I 'aint strong

Bluebottle: He is!

Ray: Me strong!

Wallace: While our heroes are deciding who is strong we take you now in to

Mr. Seagoon's stomach to hear how the oyster has fared

GRAMS: BUBBLING AND WAILING VOICES

Peter: (wildlife presenter Attenborough) And here along the great Geordinal

Tract of the great Seagoon intestine I see approaching the boiled spuds

he had for breakfast, followed by closely that foul meat-loaf salad he

noshed at the BBC canteen. There's no sign yet of the oyster, but yes!

Here now comes a dirty great dollop of steam duff and three quarts of

mild that he woofed down during the rehearsals. And yes! Here comes

four pounds of mixed chocolate and 8 pints of tea, soup, liquorice

allsorts and lastly the oyster!

GRAMS: PETER CROONING "I'M ONLY A LONELY ROUND

VAGABOND, FOR GOOD NIGHT -", DONKEY EEE-

AUGHS TWICE, MARCH MUSIC AND MARCHING

FOOTSTEPS VERY FAST, ATTACK TRUMPET,

SCREAMS OF BATTLE AND TRUMPETS AND BANGS

Neddy: Now to arrange for a new Westminster floating Pier

GRAMS: WHOOSH!

Moriarty: Ah, there's no need for that. Look we have a new one already made

for you

Neddy: Good Heavens! By Jupiter! Etcetera Etcetera! And I thought you were

both villains!

Moriarty: Augh! Listen, you go aboard and examine it at once

Neddy: By Jove, I'll do just that!

Grytpype-Thynne: Have you bored holes in the bottom, Moriarty?

Moriarty: Yes, it will sink in 10 minutes (sings) April in Paris!

Bluebottle: Oh, Captain! I've lit the dynamite under the pump - Oh! Hee-hee!

You're not my captain! You're Moriarty, the forces of Evils!

Moriarty: You're going to blow up our pump? You run right back and put that

dynamite out

Bluebottle: But it's burning!

Moriarty: Get back at once!

Bluebottle: All right!

GRAMS: WHOOSH!

Bluebottle: (far away) It hasn't burnt down quite yet, so I'll -

GRAMS: BOOM! BRICKS AND METAL BARS HIT GROUND

Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! I'm fed up with being deaded every week.

Eccles never gets deaded, why doesn't Eccles ever get dead -

GRAMS: BOOM!

Eccles: (distant) Your rotten swine, Bluebottle!

Bluebottle: Tee-hee! That's better! Tee-hee! Exits left, much happier. Picks up

loose bones, shins and spare feet

Neddy: Ah! There you are, Grytpype

Grytpype-Thynne: So I am

Neddy: I must say that this new pier you provided is absolutely perfect. I'll

buy it!

Grytpype-Thynne: Right, sign here, (FX: PEN SCRATCHING PAPER)

here, this cheque, bank guarantee, credit note, postal

orders, travellers cheques and finally sign this will.

There, good lad! Moriarty?

Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: One, two, hup -

GRAMS: BIG SPLASH

Neddy: (distant) Heeelp!

Moriarty: Taxi? Gatwick Airport please

GRAMS: WHOOSH WHOOSH!

Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp!

Bloodnok: Thud me cringing nurglers, is it? It can't be! Where's me old

photographs

Neddy: (distant) Heeeelp!

Bloodnok: It's my old bat man Neddy Seagoon

Neddy: (distant) Oh no, go away -

Bloodnok: I've got a money belt -

Neddy: Go away! (fades out with the two screaming at each other)

Wallace: Ladies, according to page 24 of my radio Times, you should have

been hearing the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, but I fear the

Goons have lied to the Editor and not carried out the intended

story. It's a disgrace- Goodnight!

ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter

Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington

Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally

Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer

Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.

Bloodnok: Gad, it's the old wireless star Greenslade, oh yes!

ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT