Series 5, Episode 22, Broadcast 22 February 1955

The Fireball Of Milton Street

Wallace: This is the BBC

Peter: (American cool cat) All right, cats, let's creep

ORCHESTRA: TEA DANCE MUSIC

Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Stop this madness! You sinful people! Now

Mr. Greenslade -

Wallace: Sir?

Harry: Unlace that rubber farthing ale, gurd up your poor old loins and give

the listeners the old posh chat there, give them the old posh wireless

talk Wal, go on boy

Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen, a story translated from a yet unwritten story

that was found embedded in an uncooked Russian sock. We

proudly present -

ORCHESTRA: DRUM ROLE OVER SPEECH

Spike: (theatrical) Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become

of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it?

So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh!

What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp

bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become -

FX: PISTOL SHOT

ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC

Harry: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known athletic

thespian and actor Sir Jim Nasium

Peter: (another theatrical voice) Yes! In his absence we give you The Fireball

Of Milton Street

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, ENDING IN LONE HARP

Peter: Mid the rolling hills of Sussex in the county of Somerset lies the little

Kentish village of Milton Street, Pride of Essex. Milton Street, one of

the sonk ports. It was to this little village that a disturbing discovery

was to come

GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE

Eccles: One o'clock! One o'clock on a frosty night! A clear night! A fine night!

Oh, it's good to be alive! One o'clock on a frosty night one - oh!

Henry: Aaaaah!

Eccles: Ooh, hello! Mr. Crun! Where you been at this time of night?

Henry: Mmmmm, I've been for a walk

Eccles: Ooh, I wish I was clever like that

Henry: Well, good night Eccles

Eccles: Good night, good night

GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE

Eccles: One o'clock -

GRAMS: BELL RINGS AGAIN

Eccles: Two o'clock on a fine night (fades out)

FX: HEAVY CHAINS BEING JANGLED OVER SPEECH

Henry: Now, what have I done with my front-door key? Let me see: trouser

cupboard, wine-cellar, hot-water tap, butter dish, Minnie's Ginger-

Wine-still; Drat it! Every key but the front-door. Oh well

FX: THREE HEAVY THUDS ON THE DOOR

Minnie: (distant) Oooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! Who's that down

there?

Henry: I've lost my key, Min

Minnie: Oh dear, I'm coming, buddy

FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN 5 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS

Henry: I can't understand it, we live in a bungalow!

FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED, KEY TURNED, DOOR

OPENS

Minnie, Oh, what's all this, Henry? What is this?

Henry: I can't get in, Min, I've dropped my key out in the dark and I can't see

Minnie: Oh well, come inside in the light and have a look for it

Henry: Thank you, Min

FX: DOOR SHUT

Minnie: Now hurry up, Henry

Henry: I will, I will. Don't go back to bed yet, Min, I'm not in yet

Minnie: Oh dear, hurry up, I don't want to stay up all night waiting for you to

come home

Henry: Well don't rush me, Min. As soon as I find the key I'll let myself in

Minnie: Okay

FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED

Henry: Drat it. I can't find it, I can't find the key!

Minnie: Well why don't you knock? I'll let you in

Henry: All right

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR SLAMMED, KNOCK ON

DOOR

Minnie: Oh! Who is that?

Henry: (outside) It's me, Minnie, Henry!

Minnie: Henry? Haven't you got a key?

Henry: No

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Minnie: Come in, buddy, you're lucky I wasn't in bed, you know?

Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible! The world is coming to an end!

Minnie: Oh! I'd better go and get the washing in

Henry: Min, this morning I photographed the sun and I discovered it's on fire

Minnie: Oh, the people are careless, Henry

Henry: Yes

FX: KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Henry: Aaaaah!

Neddy: I say, can I come in? I saw light in you window

Henry: Minnie poured it out for me, would you like one?

Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po!

Minnie and Henry: Good!

Minnie: Mr. Seagoon, Henry says that the sun is on fire

Neddy: On fire? (laughs to himself) You were always one for a joke!

Henry: No I'm not, look I took this photo of the sun's chorono and it's smoking

Neddy: Hmm, Heavens Above! Saints protect us, he's right! Fire! I must tell

the villagers at once. (panic) The suns on fire! The suns on fire!

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK

Omnes: crowd noises

Neddy: Please! Please! Silence! Silence!

Spike: Speak up!

Neddy: Villagers of Milton Street, I'm sorry I had to get you out of your beds.

Mr. Crun, tell them what's happened

Henry: The sun is on fire!

Omnes: calm silence except for on or two "Ohs" and "Ahs"

Neddy: Don't panic! Don't panic! Keep cool and all's well! We'll face it

together, chins up! No cowards! Now remain steady, chaps, and at all

cost don't panic. Remember we're British! All together now

(sings)Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the seas. How can we

exhort thee -

FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Neddy: Yes?

Grytpype: (other end of phone) You silly twisted boy, you

Neddy: I don't wish to know that

FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN

Wallace: Oh Mr. Crun, the sun is on fire, you say?

Henry: Yes, yes

Wallace: If that is so the process must have been a ceaseless conceivable

rabbit motion of electrons captured by nuclei released at a million

time per sec per sec, the effect being the radiated thermeo-electrons

captured and harnessed as units of liberated satellite electrons, the

product of which, with the space quotuum of 3.79 plus 10 to the

power of 33 hers per second with a diatherman of 9 7 3 2 5 to the

power of X, is the thallum 3 billion thrice upon 25 billion centigrade

Henry: It's not as simple as that! Oh deary me, no! Now are there any more

questions?

Spike: (theatrical) Yes! What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the

war, ey? What's become of it -

FX: PISTOL SHOT

ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC

Neddy: Any more questions?

Bloodnok: Yes. As Squire of Milton Street, I think that as the sun is on fire

Ned Seagoon should go to London to tell the Queen

Neddy: To London to tell the Queen? I'd be famous! Right, I'll do it!

Bloodnok: Right, but first, it's a long weary journey to the capital, therefore

how about a silver collection. Come on!

Omnes: voices reluctantly giving money

Bloodnok: Thank you, well done sir. Grand! And you, sir! Excellent!

Minnie: Oooh!

Bloodnok: I'm sorry madam, I beg your pardon. That's it, that's it, the hat's

full! So Ned, there you are, off you go to London

Neddy: Thank you. Farewell!

FX: FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING FASTER, FADES AWAY

Bloodnok: Brave lad! Right now, Ellington, help me count the money in this

hat

Ray: Right

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET

FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH

Neddy: Meantime I, Ned Seagoon, was running towards London to tell the

Queen the sun was on fire. I reached the river, I jumped - (FX pause,

start again) - I reached the other side. I ran towards the second river, I

jumped - (FX pause, start again) - and I reached the other side. So

then I came to a very wide raging torrent. I ran as fast as I could, I

jumped - (FX stop) - Right! Hands up all those who thought I was

going to fall in the river. Come on there, you with the big head there,

Bill Matthews? Come on, hands up! Right! Take a hundred lines: "I

must not try to guess the end of Goon Show gags". Now, here is what

really happened

FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH

Neddy: I ran, I jumped (FX stops) and then -

GRAMS: GIANT SPLASH

Neddy: Ha ha ha. Right, hands up all the charlies who wrote the hundred lines.

Take another hundred: "I must not write a hundred lines until I'm dead

sure". All right, Greenslade

Wallace: Listen to "The Fireball of Milton Street" part 3. Outside the

Ministry of Works (LONG SILENCE) Part 4, inside the Ministry of

Works

GRAMS: GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYING

FX: TEA CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING, RAPID KNOCKS ON

DOOR

Grytpype: Come in, Charlie!

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS

Neddy: Good morning. I want to see the Queen

Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Secretary of State, I'll write you an

introductory letter (FX: PEN SCRATCHING) "Please see Ned

Seagoon". There

Neddy: Thank you. Now who is the Secretary of State?

Grytpype: I am

Neddy: Ah, well I have a letter for you

Grytpype: Have you?

Neddy: Yes

Grytpype: Let me see: "Will you please see Ned Seagoon"

Neddy: I want to see the Queen

Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Minister of the Crown

Neddy: Where's he?

Grytpype: Go and wait in that room there, will you?

Neddy: Right

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT

Neddy: Oh I'm so excited! Hee hee! The Minister of the Silver Crown, ey? I

wonder what he looks like

ORCHESTRA: BRASS FANFARE

Wallace: (shouts) His Excellence, the Right Royal Minister of the Crown

FX: FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY ADVANCE TOWARDS THE

MICROPHONE (GETTING LOUDER)

Grytpype: You wanted to see me?

Neddy: Yes sir, I want to see the Queen. You see the sun's on fire

Grytpype: What?

Neddy: The sun's on fire, sir

Grytpype: Oh, this is the charlie! Now Neddy, I want you to build a rocket to

take you to the sun. Take a barrel of water on board and then off

you go to put out the fire

Neddy: Well, where will I get the materials to build it?

Grytpype: Well the Ministry of Works have got a lot of junk - er, special

material you could use!

Neddy: Who's pay for it?

Grytpype: Oh the villagers, of course. Then when the rocket comes back from

the sun we'll buy it back off you at twice the price

Neddy: Hooray! I'll save England! I'll be a hero! (sings) Come, come I love

you only, come hero of mine

Grytpype: No I can't say it again

FX: RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Grytpype: Come in

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS

Grytpype: Yes, what do you want?

Spike: (theatrical) I want to know what's become of the crispy bacon -

FX: PISTOL SHOT

GRAMS: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC

FX: DOOR SLAMS (MUSIC STOPS IMMEDIATELY)

Wallace: Meantime at Milton Street a dissenter is at work

Omnes: crowd noises

Bluebottle: People of Milton Street! Listen to me! Enter Bluebottle, strikes

orator's pose, cops dirty big brick in back of nut. Puts lump in

pocket for later. People, I'm telling you, the sun is not on fire.

(crowd gets noisier) Shut up you, shut up! I tell you, it's not on

fire. Have seen it through my cardboard cut-out telescope -

posted free with every 6 box-tops of Filth Muck the Wonder

Soap

Minnie: Don't you believe him!

Bluebottle: I'm telling the truth

Neddy: I say, what's going on here?

Bluebottle: I am here to prove that the sun is not on fire

Moriarty: (aside) Curse, this little nutty Goon could ruin our plan. (aloud)

Don't believe him, Neddy. Ask him to prove it

Neddy and Crowd: Yes, prove it!

Bluebottle: All right, all right, shut up you! Shut up, you! I will prove it. Stand

back. Takes off shirt to show well-developed bones and spare

ribs and satchel. I will climb this ladder with a piece of bread

and when I get to the top I will point it out to the sun. If the sun

is on fire it will get toasted. Now then, who is going to hold the

ladder?

Eccles: I'll hold the ladder

Bluebottle: Thank you, Eccles. Promise you won't let go

Eccles: I promise you won't let go

Bluebottle: Then I will go. Sprin-ges on to ladder. Effect is ruined because

trousers fall down. Oh! Short vest! Tee-hee! Max Geldray,

cover up my short bits

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA

Wallace: We pick up the story with Bluebottle at the top of his 200 foot ladder

GRAMS: WIND HOWLING OVER SPEECH

Bluebottle: Tee hee! It's a bit parkey up here. Oh, silly little me, I forgot my

toasting fork. Hey, somebody down there bring up my toasting

fork

Neddy: (far off) Don't panic!

Bluebottle: Oh dear, what can I do now that I'm waiting up here? (mumbles a

tune to himself) Oh I know. Ladies and gentlemen, I will spring

you all a riddle, listen: When is a door not a door? Answer:

when it's ajar. Not a sausage for that one. When is a horse not a

horse? Answer: When it's turned in to a field. Oh well, roll on

beddie-byes.

FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Bluebottle: Hello? No I'm sorry I haven't (hangs up). Silly man, have I got any

rooms to let? (sings to himself)

FX: FEW HEAVY STEPS COMING UP THE LADDER

Eccles: Ah, here's your toasting fork

Bluebottle: Ohhhh! You fool, you mind hat you're doing with it, harm can

come to a young lad like that.

Eccles: I'm sorry, Bluebottle

Bluebottle: Eccles?

Eccles: Yuh?

Bluebottle: Tee-hee! Who's holding the bottom of the ladder?

Eccles: Well, eh, don't worry, I'm holding the - Oooooh!

Bluebottle: (falling in to distance) You rotten swine, you!

FX: THUD

Wallace: At the bottom of the now-fallen ladder a fresh crisis had arrived.

Seagoon is about to ask Bloodnok for the money he had collected

in his hat the previous day

Neddy: I'm about to ask you for the money you collected in your hat the

previous day

Bloodnok: Go ahead

Neddy: I want the money you collected in your hat the previous day

Bloodnok: What?

Neddy: Grytpype-Thynne wants it as first-payment on the materials for

building the rocket

Bloodnok: What, money? I arrest you!

Neddy: What for?

Bloodnok: Resisting arrest

Neddy: I'm not resisting

Bloodnok: I arrest you for not resisting then

Neddy: I'm innocent

Bloodnok: At your age, rubbish! I arrest you for not being in uniform

Neddy: I'm not in the services

Bloodnok: What? Then I arrest you for being a coward

Neddy: I'm not a coward

Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a hero

Neddy: I'm not a hero

Bloodnok: Then if you're not a hero and you're not a coward what are you?

Neddy: I'm neither

Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a neither

Neddy: Give me the money or I'll tell about you and the scout fund

FX: METAL BEING SHOVELLED OUT

Bloodnok: Ohhh, there you are Neddy. Dear Neddy, I was only joking lad, I

was kidding, it's safe for you, Neddy. You know old Dennis

wouldn't do a pal

Neddy: Right, there Moriarty, £20. Tomorrow we start building the rocket to

the sun

ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK

GRAMS: WORK PLACE NOISES (HAMMERS, ETC.)

Peter: (BBC announcer) Well I'm speaking to you from the base of a Martella

tower by the Pevensey marshes. The hammering you can hear comes

from a bust band of workers from the village of Milton Street. They

are erecting some sort of wooden rocket tied with string on top of the

tower. That is what you said, sir, isn't it?

Moriarty: Yes, yes, they are having the joke, ha ha ha ! Yes, a joke. Now,

Seagoon (lowering voice) you haven't breathed a word to this

BBC charlie about it, heave you?

Neddy: No, sir, I haven't

Moriarty: Good

Neddy: Ah, Mr. Crun. Well, it looks as if the rocket's nearly ready

Henry: Not quite, we need another layer of brown-paper and string on the

outside

Neddy: Yes, you're right. We can't take risks

Henry: No

Grytpype: Neddy, we've just delivered the last lorry of junk - er, valuables,

and I hope you've got the money?

Neddy: Yes, £30

FX: CASH REGISTER RINGS OPEN

Grytpype: Thank you. Now when will you be taking off?

Neddy: As soon as we have the gun-powder and sulphur at the base of the

rocket. That's what's going to send us up

Grytpype: I'm sure it will. And, er, as a matter of interest, when you get to the

sun how are you going to put it out?

Neddy: We're each carrying a bucket of water

Grytpype: By Jove, are all of your family clever?

Neddy: Only the highbreds

Grytpype: TouchŽ

Neddy: Three-chŽ

Grytpype: Do you come here often?

Neddy: Only in the mating season, shall we dance?

Grytpype: Yes

GRAMS: TEA-DANCE MUSIC

Neddy: You dance divinely

Grytpype: Thank you, darling

Moriarty: Stop, stop! Stop this madness you simple people. You must take off

as soon as possible. The Sussex police have heard of the rocket

and are going to try and stop it

Grytpype: Curse, this could ruin everything. Seagoon, tell them all to speed up

Neddy: Yes, everybody speed up

GRAMS: WORK SPEEDS UP, 10 SECONDS OF CARTOON SPEECH

Neddy: Stop! Right, ready? Everybody?

Omnes: Yes, sir!

Neddy: Purse the sulphur and the light the old wick there. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

GRAMS: EXPLOSION

Grytpype: Oh dear, oh dear. After all that work. It's sad, Mor-I-arty, it's sad.

However, let's count the money. 10, 20, 30 (both giggle evily)

Moriarty: Oh dear, those poor fools

Grytpype: Yes

Moriarty: A wooden rocket, a wooden rocket! I ask you! Trying to put out the

sun (both laugh)

Grytpype: Yes

Moriarty: They deserved to die, didn't they?

Grytpype: Yes they did, Mor-I-arty

Moriarty: Oh 25, 26 million, 28...

Grytpype: Moriarty, hasn't it gone dark? They, er, they couldn't have? Help!

They've put out the sun! Oh!

ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter

Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington

Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally

Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer

Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT