The Terrible blasting of Moreton's Bank

or

The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street

First broadcast on March 1, 1955

Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott

Wallace:

 This is the BBC

Grytpype:

 Oh dear

Wallace:

 This is Wallace Greenslade speaking with a few handy hints for new radio listeners. If at any time during the following half hour you should hear this sound -

FX:

 DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Wallace:

 - It means that someone has opened the door. And should you hear this -

FX:

 DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Harry:

 (whinging voice) Hello

Wallace:

 - It means the picture we're trying to convey is that someone has entered the room and -

Harry:

 Good-bye!

FX:

 DOOR SLAMS

Wallace:

 - This not only means that he has left, but is also the signal for applause. And now for a rather tricky one

FX:

 PISTOL SHOT

Harry:

 Oh, I'm dead!

Wallace:

 You get the idea? The man was obviously shot, but not as he proclaimed dead. We are unfortunately not allowed to do this and whenever possible we aim for the legs.

Harry:

 So out with you short cans and take the aim here. It's time for the highly esteemed Goon Show

GRAMS:

 CHEERING

Harry:

 Stop! (stops immediately) Thank you. Greenslade?

Wallace:

 Sir?

Harry:

 Unscrew those astra-can corsets and give them the old posh chat there, Wal

Wallace:

 Lidies and gontlepigs tonight the Goons present "The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street"

ORCHESTRA:

 SINISTER LINK (DA DA DADA DA)

Peter:

 Last night during the hours of March the 10th and Friday one of the cleverest robberies in the history of crime was carried out in the Bank of England. Among the missing articles were six gold bars, the manager and his assistant.

ORCHESTRA:

 DRAMATIC LINK, DREAMY HARP MUSIC

Moriarty:

 April in Paris, just not in Blossom! Ah, that was wonderful Grytpype, beautiful grapefruit, 7 lovely golden eggs, delicious crisp bacon - the type we had before the war - then there was that toast, wonderful. And that exquisite cask of coffee

Grytpype:

 Why can't you wait? We'll be having breakfast in a moment

Moriarty:

 I never eat breakfast

Grytpype:

 Try some food. By the way, Moriarty, have you seen the newspaper?

Moriarty:

 Yes, I saw it last week I think

Grytpype:

 Well, with my usual contempt for money I bought a new one

Moriarty:

 But why? We still have two pages of the old one left

Grytpype:

 As an ex bank manager I must keep abreast of the times, you understand

Moriarty:

 What new trickery is this?

Grytpype:

 And according to this paper it credits us with having taken 6 bars of gold. You told me you only managed to get 5

Moriarty:

 (coughs uncomfortably) I must have miscounted, yes. 1, 2, 3, 4 and une is fumpf. You see I was right, 5 bars of gold

Grytpype:

 This little revolver of mine says six

Moriarty:

 What? Supristi-yacka-backaras. Are you going to take the word of a little revolver against mine?

Grytpype:

 Six bars of gold!

Moriarty:

 5!

FX:

 PISTOL SHOT

Moriarty:

 Ah! Supristi-perpendicular! You realised, man, that I would have been killed if that bullet hadn't hit that gold bar in my vest pocket?

Grytpype:

 I must practice, I was aiming for your foot

Moriarty:

 Oh yes, and talking of feet we must smuggle this gold out of the country before the police get on to our tracks. The question is - how?

Grytpype:

 Perfectly simple. The gold will be made in to musical instruments and then a very new 2-piece band will leave on a world tour

Moriarty:

 Oh, that's brilliant

FX:

 RAPID KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Moriarty:

 Quick, hide these 5 bars of gold

Grytpype:

 6!

Moriarty:

 Yes, 6. Voila, entrées

FX:

 DOOR OPENED

Neddy:

 Good morning gentlemen. My name is Detective Inspector Ned Seagoon

Moriarty:

 Nom de nom yacka-backara, someone has blundered. Inspector, last night at the time of the Bank of England robbery I was at a reunion dinner in Manchester

Grytpype:

 While I was in South America

Moriarty:

 I can prove that, I was with him. I tell you we know nothing at all about the 5 bars of gold

Grytpype:

 6!

Moriarty:

 That's right, 3 each

Neddy:

 I don't wish to know that

Moriarty:

 Then what do you wish to know?

Neddy:

 I'm collecting for the Police Ball

Grytpype:

 Good Heavens! Oh well. why didn't you say so at first? Moriarty, my dear chap, cut him down

FX:

 ROPE BEING CUT, THUD

Neddy:

 Oh! Thank you. Now if you wouldn't mind donating a small, er -

Grytpype:

 Here's a shilling Inspector

Neddy:

 Thank you very much. It will be a Grand Ball you know? Grand Ball. I'm the MP, at the big Rosette and Fleur, you know? That will get them going. (getting excited and laughing) The next dance will be the St. Bernard waltz (hums a waltz) Keep moving there. I can just see me - no driving in the middle! Clear the floor! Take your partners for the Loving Waltz. (sings the waltz:) When you re in love, it's the loveliest night of the year

Grytpype:

 Greenslade?

Wallace:

 May I?

Grytpype:

 Yes

Wallace:

 You silly twisted boy, you!

FX:

 KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Neddy:

 Come in

FX:

 DOOR OPENED

Neddy:

 Well if it isn't the Police Sergeant

GRAMS:

 WILD CHEERS

Neddy:

 Stop! (stops immediately)

Throat:

 A message

Neddy:

 For me?

Throat:

 Yes

Neddy:

 Good

Throat:

 Right

FX:

 DOOR CLOSES

Neddy:

 Don't be late for choir practice

Grytpype:

 What's the message?

Neddy:

 Yes. This is going to be tricky, it's in writing. Good Lord! There's been a robbery at the Bank of England. They won't get far (laughing to himself) All the ports are watched, you know? No one will be able to leave the country without Inspector Ned's approval, you know? I'll take the case here. I'll start at the Bank and trace them from there. I'll catch them. Then, when I'm singing at the Ball they'll point me out and say "That's him! That's the man who caught the Bank of England robbers. That's him!" (fades away)

Grytpype:

 Moriarty, this is the charley that's going to see us through the police cordon

Moriarty:

 How?

Grytpype:

 I'll explain. Go in to that room and put on those things, I want (fades out)

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Neddy:

 Ah, grand job! And then they'll offer me the chief constabulary and a medal, and when I get to Paris I'll go right up and I'll -

Grytpype:

 Neddy, I was - By Jove! You've got an interesting hand

Neddy:

 Oh it's nothing, just a continuation of the arm really

Grytpype:

 Do you know, Madame Freda would love to read your hand and luckily she is in this room here

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Moriarty:

 (Madame Freda) Ahh! A client! Please sit down. Ah, I see by your hand that you are a policeman

Neddy:

 How can you tell?

Moriarty:

 You're holding a truncheon. And yes, yes, you have a very strong head-line. And oh, what's this lump?

Neddy:

 My elbow

Moriarty:

 It is a lumpy one. Now let me see, ah yes, yes, you are a great band leader

Neddy:

 Oh, oh really? (laughs to himself) I have great talent you know and I know all about music and I'm very, very musical, really I am. I'm MC at the Police Ball and - you know you're absolutely marvellous, you really are

Moriarty:

 Yes. Now listen, charley, listen little charley, if ever you are offered a job as a band leader with the opportunity to travel abroad take it.You are a brilliant musician. No close the door and good day

FX:

 DOOR SHUTS

Neddy:

 You know, she's very good, she's absolutely first class

Grytpype:

 Ah Neddy. Neddy, do you know a band leader who could take a two-piece band abroad?

Neddy:

 Band leader?

Grytpype:

 Do you know one?

Neddy:

 Well I -

Grytpype:

 Sign here please. We leave as soon as the instruments are ready

Neddy:

 Done. I'll just clean up the gold robbery and I'll be back

Grytpype:

 Wonderful, wonderful. Before you go, maestro, would you like to conduct Max Geldray?

Neddy:

 Oh Heaven!

Grytpype:

 Good

Neddy:

 All together chaps

MUSIC:

 MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA

Wallace:

 The 6 Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 2, or the 2 Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 6, whatever you like, I don't care. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne has sent Herr Moriarty with the 6 gold bars to a smelting shop. And now they are about to be melted down. Good-bye

GRAMS:

 CHEMICALS BUBBLING

Henry:

 Oh, steady does it, Minnie

Minnie:

 Oh, steady does it, Henry

Henry:

 Ah yes

Minnie:

 Ah yes

Henry:

 In to the saxophone mould Minnie

Minnie:

 Ooh, aaah! How's that Henry?

Henry:

 Oh no, no, not you Minnie, the gold bars

Minnie:

 Sorry, sorry about that Henry. I'll get out now. Oh dear

FX:

 PHONE RINGS

Minnie:

 There's the phone, Henry

Henry:

 What?

Minnie:

 The talking telephone

Henry:

 I'll get it, baby

Minnie:

 Okay, buddy

FX:

 PICK UP THE PHONE

Henry:

 Hello? Oh yes, Mr. Grytpype-Thynne. Yes, yes, Count Moriarty delivered the 5 bars of gold. What? Well he only gave me 5. Good- bye

Minnie:

 Who was that on the phone, Henry?

Henry:

 It was me, Minnie

Minnie:

 I thought I recognised the voice

Henry:

 There's no honour among thieves

Minnie:

 You can't get the wood, you know?

Henry:

 No. I told him that Moriarty only left 4 bars

Minnie:

 4? Oh, Henry! Naughty! You should have said 5, buddy!

Henry:

 Oh no no no, it was 4 Min

Minnie:

 No no no Henry, it was 5. Count Moriarty put 5 bars of gold on the counter, buddy

Henry:

 No, no you're being silly, Min. It was definitely 4.

Minnie:

 Oh Henry!

Henry:

 I can count as well as the next man, Minnie

Minnie:

 You're trying to double-cross me, buddy

Henry:

 Piddle-poo, I - don't say I'm double crossing you

Henry and Minnie:

 argue over one another, moulds in to -

GRAMS:

 BATTLE SOUNDS, TRUMPETS, WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE, MORE BATTLE SOUNDS, QUIETENS DOWN TO ODD THINGS CRASHING ALL OVER

Minnie:

 I love you Henry!

Henry:

 I love you Minnie!

Minnie:

 You mad, naughty - come in!

Wallace:

 Pardon me. Meanwhile at Scotland Yard Inspector Ned Seagoon was completely baffled

FX:

 DOOR SHUTS

Neddy:

 Yes. After ceaseless questions and reading several newspapers I discovered it was the bank of England that had been robbed. Then I got a summons from my chief

ORCHESTRA:

 BLOODNOK THEME TUNE

Bloodnok:

 Oh, Seagoon, now listen very, very carefully. I have personally promised the Home Secretary I shall have an arrest within a week. Will you help me?

Neddy:

 Scouts honour

Bloodnok:

 Splendid, splendid. Now, just put on this prisoners uniform

Neddy:

 Right

Bloodnok:

 Good, good. Good, good. Now this 3 days worth of growth of beard. Splendid, splendid. Now just sign this confession - excellent, excellent lad. Now hold these imitation gold bars - got them?

Neddy:

 Yes

Bloodnok:

 Right, wonderful. Now wait here

FX:

 DOOR OPENS, SHUTS, PAUSE THEN OPENS AGAIN

Bloodnok:

 Sergeant! Arrest that man!

Neddy:

 Wait, wait! Major Bloodnok I dressed up to help you

Bloodnok:

 A likely story. Take him away

Neddy:

 I won't do it, I'll hide away, you'll never find me! Good-bye!

GRAMS:

 WHOOSH, DOOR SHUTS, HUGE CHEERS

Spike:

 Stop! (stops immediately)

Wallace:

 Owing to the fact that Ned Seagoon is hurrying around to Mr. Grytpype-Thynne's he's asked me to say "Thank You"

FX:

 KNOCKS ON DOOR

Grytpype:

 Come in

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Grytpype:

 Well, if it isn't Inspector Ned Seagoon

GRAMS:

 HUGE CHEERS

Neddy:

 Thank you, thank you. Mr. Thynne you must help me. The police will be after me soon, they want me to take the blame for the gold robbery. You must hide me. Tell them on the night of the robbery I was with you in Aberdeen

Grytpype:

 Are you trying to make me dishonest?

Neddy:

 But I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent

FX:

 KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Grytpype:

 Oh, this may be the messenger with the gold - er, with the heavy brass instruments

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Eccles:

 'Ello!

Grytpype:

 Who are you?

Eccles:

 I'm the famous Eccles, I'm the famous Eccles. And here's the instruments

Grytpype:

 Is this all there is?

Eccles:

 Yeah. Would you like me to play it?

Neddy:

 Oh yes please

Eccles:

 Okay. Listen

FX:

 ONE SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING

Neddy and Eccles:

 Ha ha! Did you hear that? Very good!

Neddy:

 Let me try it, listen

FX:

 ONE SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING

Neddy and Eccles:

 Ha ha! Isn't it good? Isn't it?

Eccles:

 Here, here, let me try. Now watch this

FX:

 FOUR VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TINGS

Neddy and Eccles:

 Ha ha!

Neddy:

 It's my turn again, all right, listen, listen

FX:

 FOUR VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TINGS

Neddy and Eccles:

 Ha ha!

Eccles:

 Here let me. Oh, it's good to be alive! Here now, give me it, I'll do it again -

Grytpype:

 All right, all right that's enough. Now give that to me. There

FX:

 ONE SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING

Neddy and Eccles:

 Ha ha! You're the best, Mr. Thynne! You're the best

Eccles:

 He's good, he's good. Are you a Conservative?

Grytpype:

 One moment, one moment. There's some discrepancy here. 6 gold bars go to the melting works, 1 gold triangle comes back.

Eccles:

 Oooh! Gold? Gold? Ooh, let's hear it again!

FX:

 ONE SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING

Eccles:

 That's rich! Here, I'll tell you what, you go in the other room and see how it sounds in there

Neddy:

 Oh yes, come along Mr. Thynne

Grytpype:

 Yes, yes.

Neddy:

 This is great fun

FX:

 DOOR SHUTS

Neddy:

 We'll have to listen very carefully you know

Grytpype:

 Yes

Eccles:

 (other side of the door) Are you ready?

Neddy and Grytpype:

 Yes

Eccles:

 Listen

FX:

 LIGHTLY DOOR OPENED AND SHUT

Neddy:

 I don't think that was it

Grytpype:

 No, sounded more like a door closing

Neddy:

 Door closing?

Grytpype:

 Don't worry, he can't get far, I've got the -

FX:

 PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Grytpype:

 Hello?

Wallace:

 (French operator) Personal call from Paris. You're through caller

Eccles:

 (other end of phone) 'Ello?

Grytpype:

 Yes?

Eccles:

 Listen

FX:

 ONE SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING

Grytpype:

 Curses. Well, we still have Ray Ellington

Neddy:

 That's no compensation

MUSIC:

 RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET "Mr. Sandman"

Wallace:

 Why, if it isn't The 6 Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 4, or the 4 Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 6, whichever you like, I don't care

GRAMS:

 POLICE BELLS AND DRIVING

Spike:

 Calling all cars, car number 40

Peter:

 Roger

Spike:

 Car 41

Peter:

 Roger

Wallace:

 Car 42

Peter:

 Fred

Wallace:

 Car 43? Car 43?

Bluebottle:

 (other end of radio) Tee-hee-hee!

Wallace:

 Car 43?

Bluebottle:

 I'm not telling you. So enters flaviant Bluebottle of the Yard. I'm out for bringing the dreaded Seagoon dead or alive. Tee-hee.

Wallace:

 Are you car 43?

Bluebottle:

 Before I tell you, here are my special terms which you have to agree to. I must not be nutted, I must not be blowed up, and I must be at the front if there's any sausages. Signed Bluebottle

Spike:

 Very well, now are you car number 43?

Bluebottle:

 No, tee-hee! Do you know what I am? I'm cardboard bicycle number 1. Tee-hee. Peddles off towards Sydney street where my cap-i-tain is hiding

Neddy:

 Yes. As I peeped through the lace windows of my overcoat I saw the police were looking for us. Ha ha ha, but they'll never find us here

Grytpype:

 Silly boy, where else can they find us?

FX:

 KNOCKS ON DOOR

Ray:

 (other side) Hey, open up. Open up in the name of the law

Neddy:

 How did they know I was here?

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Ray:

 You left a forwarding address at the Yard

Neddy:

 Curse, it's the little things that give you away

Grytpype:

 Well they won't take me, head for that window

FX:

 6 PISTOL SHOTS

Neddy:

 So started the siege of Sydney Street. Next day the police called in the army

GRAMS:

 GUN BATTLE

FX:

 KNOCKS ON DOOR, OPENED

Willium:

 'scuse me, sir

Neddy:

 Yes, constable?

Willium:

 Is that your car on the street?

Neddy:

 Yes

Willium:

 You'll have to put some lights on it, mate. Dusk, you know?

Neddy:

 Right-o

Willium:

 I say, all right for bullets are ya?

Neddy:

 Yes thank you

Willium:

 Right, keep the old head down then. Cheerio mate

FX:

 DOOR SHUTS

GRAMS:

 GUN BATTLE CONTINUES

Grytpype:

 Ellington? Take off your police uniform, I want you to join us for the next gag

Ray:

 Right

Grytpype:

 It's getting dark and I'd like you to keep guard so go outside that door and don't come back 'til dawn

Ray:

 Right

FX:

 DOOR OPENS, SHUTS

GRAMS:

 GUN BATTLE CONTINUES

FX:

 DOOR OPENS

Ray:

 Morning everybody!

Neddy:

 It's no good Grytpype, we've got to get out of here tonight

Grytpype:

 Why?

Neddy:

 The rent's due tomorrow

Bluebottle:

 Stop in the name of the law

Neddy:

 Well look who it is, if it isn't Bluebottle

GRAMS:

 HUGE CHEERS

Bluebottle:

 Stop! (stops immediately) Thank you, Dad. Second entrance, siege of Sydney Street, time 2 hours later. Starts to act: If you don't come out by the time I count 10 I will throw a bomb up in to your window. (very fast) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 -

Neddy:

 Give us a chance to get out!

Bluebottle:

 No, I want you to know what it feels like to be deaded every week. Tee-hee-hee. 7, 8, 9, 10 - hup. Ooh, I missed

Wallace:

 It's fairly widely known that an object thrown high in the air is forced by circumstances beyond our control to return to earth, therefore -

GRAMS:

 EXPLOSION, BITS OF METAL HIT GROUND

Bluebottle:

 You rotten swine you. You - No, wait a minute. Feels both knee- caps, sees feet in usual position. I'm not deaded this week . Tee- hee-hee. Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky lad

Wallace:

 You little fool, you've gone and deaded the cast and now we can't do the end

Bluebottle:

 Oh, how does it end, Mr. Greenslade?

Wallace:

 Oh I don't care at all. Actually we had a beautiful dramatic ending with the Modern Band of Wilmington coming forward with his arab-coloured chart and Mr. Grytpype-Thynne redeemed himself in the eyes of the Singing Durbish

Bluebottle:

 Oh, can't we act it?

Wallace:

 Don't be absurd, what can two of us possibly do?

ORCHESTRA:

 TEA-TIME MUSIC

Bluebottle:

 Do you come here often?

Wallace:

 Only in the mating season

ORCHESTRA:

 END THEME TUNE

Greenslade:

 That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton

ORCHESTRA:

 FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT