(5th Series No 24)

with

PETER SELLERS

HARRY SECOMBE

SPIKE MILLIGAN

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET

MAX GELDRAY

ORCHESTRA CONDUCTED BY WALLY STOTT

____________________________________________

SCRIPT: ERIC SYKES & SPIKE MILLIGAN

____________________________________________

RECORDED: SUNDAY 6th MARCH 1955

TRANSMISSION: TUESDAY 8th MARCH 1955

Wal: This is the BBC (Home Service.

Harry: It's the esteemed Goon highly Show! (1))

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal crash

Max: (off) Well done.

Peter: That was the Orchestra under the direction of Wally Stott. Arthur Kroob, ...first trumpet. Mervyn Clapp, ... bugle. Hezekiah Pipstraw, ... spoons. Fred Krint, ... Chinese cymbal, temple blocks and lace table mats. The stool arranger was Herman Tigg. They had agreed in conjunction with the N.U.R. to play the theme music of ...

Harry: The Yehti!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal crash

Harry (Welsh): Boy, it's a catchy tune is that, y'know. Ha ha ha. Everybody will be whistling it tomorrow, you know.

OMNES: Chorus of people whistling that chord

Wal: Our scene opens in an upright prefab on Carshalton Marshes. It's the home of Ned Seagoon. Philosopher, scholar, friend and foe, unemployed, wedding cakes a speciality.

Neddie: I love my little home. And I like nothing better than to sit by my own fireside watching television in the next house but one. Yes, there's something to be said for thin walls! And one night (in the middle of Quite Contrary ... yes, it was Quite Contrary, (1)) I remember, because I was asleep at the time. Suddenly therer was a knock on the door.

FX: Knocking on paper door, then tearing through that paper door

Neddie: Curse these prefabs! Come in.

FX: Door opens

Grytpype: I'm sorry. I appear to have put my foot through your door.

Neddie: That's all right. I'll get a bit of plaster.

Grytpype: No, don't worry. I've only bruised my knuckles.

Neddie: I was thinking about the door. (embarrassed laugh) (ahem) (If I'd known I was having visitors I wouldn't have given the staff the night off, you know. Aha ha. I doubt if there's a maid left. Aha ha ha. Pull up an orange box.

Neddie: Yes, I'll stand. (1))

Grytpype: I've been watching you for some time.

Neddie: (flattered giggle) Oh? Have you?

Grytpype: Yes. Not a pretty sight. You are Ned Seagoon, unmarried, no family ties, British, occupation, (er? ...

Neddie: (ahem) (1)) (aside) As the man perused his notes, I looked him up and down. He had a high forehead, just above his eyes ... and an aquiline nose with a couple of nostrils at the bottom. His jacket was so beautifully cut, and his trousers were torn as well.

Grytpype: Neddie?

Neddie: He said.

Grytpype: I've been thinking.

Neddie: He paused.

Grytpype: Neddie?

Neddie: He repeated.

Grytpype: I think you're our man.

Neddie: Me?

Grytpype: He replied.

Neddie: But I don't understand.

Grytpype: He vouchsafed. Don't you, Neddie?

Neddie: He proclaimed.

Grytpype: Then I said ...

Neddie: Are you with us, Neddie? To which I replied ...

Grytpype: Yes. Then I told him my name.

Neddie: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, of the East Acton Geographical Society.

Grytpype: He said I said.

Neddie: He said I said.

Grytpype: Goodnight. And out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.

Neddie: In order to learn more, I went straight to the East Acton Geographical Society. Once there I enquired for Mr. Grytpype-Thynne.

Willium: He's not back yet. 'E went to lumber some Charlie in Carshalton.

Neddie: I live in Carshalton.

Willium: Oh, I should go through, Charlie. The meeting's just starting.

Neddie: And for the first time I entered the inner sanctum of the East Acton Geographical Society.

OMNES: Murmurs and mumbles

Peter (dignified): Now we must have an experienced climber.

Spike (dignified): May I suggest (Hillary. (1))

Peter (dignified): That's a good idea. Suggest him.

Spike (dignified): How about (Hillary. (1))

Peter (dignified): No. (Any more suggestions?

Peter (dignified): (slow, as writing it down) Everest, one, nine, five, three. (normal) Good. I'll phone him later. (1))

Neddie: If I may butt in, sir.

Peter (dignified): Huh?

Neddie: Perhaps I'm your man.

Peter (dignified): Huh?

Neddie: My name is Neddie Seagoon. I'm unmarried, no family ties, British, and I'll go wherever it may be.

Moriarty: Ah! Wait. Are you by any chance the monsieur from British Carshalton?

Neddie: Yes.

Moriarty: Ah. This is definitely him, I tell you.

Peter (dignified): Yes, definitely.

Moriarty: You have been chosen from thousands of charlies ... to bring back a Yehti. To whit, an Abominable Snowman.

Neddie: Leave it to me. Ha ha. I'll leave for the Himalayas first thing tomorrow.

Moriarty: Mm mm.

Neddie: The mystery that has shrouded this creature shall remain a mystery no longer. Aha ha ha ha. The annals of history will ring with the fair name of Neddie Seagoon. The man who made possible research on the missing link. Remember the name, gentlemen. Ned Seagoon. (sings) For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us!

FX: Knocking on door 4 times

Neddie: Yes?

FX: Door opens

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy.

Spike: (off) They wish to know that. They wish to know that. They wish to know that.

Neddie: Hello, Mr. Thynne. I er ... I got here.

Grytpype: Yes. Well now, as you probably will have been told, Yehti tracks were reported last week.

Neddie: Last week? (nervous laugh) But Yehti tracks were seen years ago.

Grytpype: In Yorkshire?

Neddie: Yorkshire? Here in England?

Grytpype: Yes.

Neddie: Oh, that's different. I mean ...

Moriarty: Of course, remember ... the man who finds the Yehti will be rich.

Neddie: Then why don't you go?

Grytpype: You see, Neddie, the Yehti is an unknown quantity, as Yehti. Rumour has it ... that a Yehti has the ability to take possession of your mind.

Neddie: Possession of my mind?

Grytpype: What have you got to lose?

Neddie: No, no, I won't go! I won't! Yes, you can call me a coward if you like.

Moriarty: We will pay you fifty pounds for one Yehti.

Neddie: How dare you call me a coward! I'll leave for Yorkshire at once!

GRAMS: Whoosh

FX: Door closes

Grytpye & Moriarty (together): (both sing 'April in Paree')

Grytpype: Moriarty.

Moriarty: Yes?

Grytpype: If there's a Yehti on the Yorkshire Moors, that charlie will bring it back.

Mariarty: And how much is a Yehti worth again?

Grytpype: Priceless. You can't get them, you know.

Moriarty: Mm.

Grytpye & Moriarty (together): (both sing 'April in Parees' and then harmonise 'Let's Have Some Music')

Max: (plays first couple of bars of 'April in Paris')

Moriarty: Max Geldray?

Grytpype: Yes.

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY PLAYS 'Mobile'.

APPLAUSE.

Wal: The Yorkshire Yehti, part two. Three days later. Or part three, two days later, I really couldn't care less! Ned Seagoon was fighting his way through the terrible blizzard of '55, from Denshire across the Yorkshire Moors. The drifts were fifteen feet high and snow was expected.

GRAMS: Howling wind

Neddie: (out of breath) Ohh. I had to find Long Willy's Croft. this was the house on the lonely moor from which Yehti tracks had first been seen. (panting) On and on I stumbled through the inky darkness. First one leg and then the other. Which I found was the best way of walking. Then, when all seemed lost, I saw a light.

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords, harps

Neddie: Yes, Long Willy's Croft. The man who gave me directions at Piccadilly Circus had been dead right.

FX: Knocking on door

Neddie: (calls) Open the door!

Minnie: (off) Ohh! It's the Yehti! We'll all be murdered in our beds!

FX: Knocking on door

Minnie: (off) Ohhh!

Neddie: (calls) I'm not a Yehti! I'm Ned Seagoon. I'm a human!

Minnie: You'll have to prove it, buddy. Put a photograph of yourself through the letterbox.

Neddie: (calls) Where can I get a photo of myself at this time of night?!

Minnie: (off) You can borrow my camera, buddy.

Neddie: (calls) Thank you.

FX: Unlocking many locks

Minnie: (over, muttering) I'll open the door ... doing at this time of night ... I don't know what they're doing ... now, remember ... ohhh ...

FX: Door opens

Minnie: I'll get the tripod and the ... the black cloth.

Neddie: I can't take a photo when it's dark! I'll have to wait 'til morning.

Minnie: Ah, I'll have to see Henry Crun about that.

Neddie: Henry Crun?

Minnie: That's his name, yes.

Neddie: Oh.

Minnie: Yes, I think he's down in ... I think he's down in the coal cellar, getting the coal, you know.

Neddie: Well, you can't get the wood, you know.

Minnie: You can't ... ying tong iddle I pong.

Neddie: Good!

Minnie: Good, I'll go and fetch Henry. Of dear, dear.

Neddie: I'll come with you.

Minnie: Oh.

FX: Footsteps on concrete

Neddie: (over) Steady now.

Minnie: Hold on to me.

Neddie: D'you come here often?

Minnie: Only in the Spring.

FX: Door closes

Minnie: Oh. Oh dear.

Neddie: Ah. I say ...

Minnie: Yes?

Neddie: (slight echo) Sounds like a large coal cellar.

Minnie: (slight echo) Yes. It's a ... it's a mile to the coal face, you know.

Neddie: (slight echo) Mm.

Minnie: (slight echo, calls) Henry! Henry!

Neddie: (slight echo, calls) Mr. Crun!

Minnie: (slight echo, calls) Henry!

Neddie: (slight echo, calls) Mr. Crun!

Minnie: (slight echo, calls) Henry!

Neddie: I say ...

Minnie: What?

Neddie: Wouldn't it be better if I struck a match?

Minnie; Mercy save us, no! The driver wouldn't like it.

GRAMS: Train whistle

Neddie: (over) The driver?

GRAMS: Train passes by

Minnie: (pause) He's late again tonight.

Neddie: That was a train!

Minnie: Yes. It's the busy time just now, you know.

Neddie: (gulp) (aside) I remembered Mr. Thynne's words.

Grytpype: (echo) Take possession of your mind!

Neddie: Oh no!

Grytpype: (echo) Take possession of your mind!

Neddie: (panic) No!

Grytpype: (echo) Your mind!

Neddie: (panic) No!

Grytpype: (echo) Your mind!

Neddie: (panic) Hellppp!

GRAMS: Whoosh

Neddie: (out of breath) Ah. In two seconds I was up the stairs again. Was I losing my mind? Was this a trick of the fiendish Yehti?

Henry: Ah, Mr. Seagoon.

Neddie: (nervous giggle) Mr. Crun, a train just ran through your cellar!

Henry: A train? (gasp) My goodness! What time is it?

Neddie: Twelve fifty-six.

Henry: (gasp) Quick! Open that door!

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Train whistle, train travels past

FX: Door closes

Henry: The mails must go through, you know.

Neddie: Mr. Crun! Mr. Crun!

Henry: Wha ... na ... na ...

Neddie: I must talk to you about the Yehti. Is there a room in the house that trains don't run through?

Henry: Oh yes. In there.

Neddie: Thank you.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Sheep

Neddie: (over) Mr. Crun! Mr. Crun! Look, I must tell you about the Yehti. Mr. Crun! I must ask you ... It's very important! Mr. Crun!

FX: Door closes

GRAMS: Sheep noise stops

Neddie: We can't talk in there.

Henry: Oh. I don't know who that lot belong to.

Neddie: Mr. Crun, now about this Yehti.

Henry: Yes yes. Yes. I saw the tracks and er ... (gasp) What time is it?

Neddie: Twelve fifty-nine.

Henry: Stand well back! Get well back!

GRAMS: Train arrives and slows to stop

Henry: Well, goodnight, Mr. Seagoon. Have a pleasant trip.

Neddie: Yes, I will. thanks very much. About ... (calls) Mr. Yehti ... I mean ...

FX: Guard's whistle blows

GRAMS: Train moves off

Neddie: (over, going with train, calls) Mr. Crun, about this Yehti! I mean Mr. Yehti, about this Crun! You can't! About the Yehti! Mr. Crun! Mr. Crun! Hmmm. What's going on here! Why have I been bundled on this train? What's going on?

Bloodnok: I say ...

Neddie: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see you there.

Bloodnok: I say ... are you the ticket collector?

Neddie: No.

Bloodnok: Then help me out from under this blasted seat, will you.

Neddie: (effort) There we are.

Bloodnok: (effort) Aah.

Neddie: That's it.

Bloodnok: (effort) Ah. Ooh.

Neddie: (effort) Ah. There. Ah. I'm a tenor, you know.

Bloodnok: Oh. Are you?

Neddie: Yes.

Bloodnok: The tenor's friend.

Neddie: Yes. Yes. My name is Ned Seagoon.

Bloodnok: Ned Seagoon? Well well well. What a coincidence! Seagoon. Yes, of course. I remember. Didn't your father have a son?

Neddie: Oh, I ... ha ha. I never asked him about his private affairs.

Bloodnok: Seagoon, of course. Of course! Yes. I knew your father before you were born.

Neddie: I didn't.

Bloodnok: I wish you had. Things might have been different. And er ... tell me, er ... he left you er ... all right, did he?

Neddie: Oh yes. I need never want.

Bloodnok: Oh, splendid, splendid. Yes, yes, lad. You know, I ... I always remember the look in your father's eyes when I lent him the money.

Neddie: What money?

Bloodnok: Oh, laddie, there's no need for you to pay your father's debts. I won't hear of it. I mean ... what's twenty pounds!

Neddie: Twenty pounds?

Bloodnok: Well, don't worry about it, lad. It'll do in a moment ... I ... I've no rush ...

Neddie: But I ... I only brought a few pounds with me.

Bloodnok: Well, if you insist, I accept.

Neddie: But look, it isn't really mine to give. This is the reward money for the information regarding the Yehti.

Bloodnok: Murgle me rogers! You couldn't have come to a better man! I used to go to school with a Yehti.

Neddie: Yes? Good, good. Tell me, are they tall and shaggy or are they more squat, with smooth skin?

Bloodnok: Yes, they are.

Neddie: Oh. And they walk upright like humans and have the powers of telepathy and in actual fact they are the missing link - the step from animals to men in one direction while in another far higher in intelligence, and having the ability to possess one's mind?

Bloodnok: Is there any more information I can give you?

Neddie: No. Thank you. Thank you, no. You've given me enough to work on. You have indeed. Ha ha ha ha.

Bloodnok: Yes, yes.

Neddie: Yes, well here's the money and thanks once more.

Bloodnok: Oh, thank you.

Neddie: Thank you once more, yes. Now, there's just one more question.

Bloodnok: Oh?

Neddie: Where can I find this Yehti?

Bloodnok: Well, er ... before I answer that question, I think um ... another couple ...

Neddie: Oh, yes, yes. Here you are.

Bloodnok: Thank you, thank you.

Neddie: Now, where can I find this Yehti?

Bloodnok: I've no idea.

Neddie: But I've just given you some money!

Bloodnok: For information as to the whereabouts of the Yehti, you must get off here! (effort)

Neddie: Ohh! Wait!

GRAMS: Train whistle

Neddie: (over) Hellppp!

GRAMS: Train passes

Neddie: I was left in the pitch dark on the Yorkshire Moors. (sigh) I was just about to run after the train, when I felt a hand on my arm.

Eccles: Hello. (aside) Oho. Did you hear that! I got the sausages. I got the sausages instead of Bluebottle.

Neddie: Eccles! What are you doing here!

Eccles: The same as you. Waiting for Ray Ellington and his Quartet. Oho, that's a good introduction, isn't it! Yep!

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON SINGS 'Make Yourself Comfortable/Ready, Willing and Able'.

APPLAUSE.

Neddie: Ah, That's better. Now, Eccles, will you help me to find this Yehti?

Eccles: How do we find it?

Neddie: We have to find its tracks first. That shouldn't be difficult. They're about eighteen inches long and ten inches wide.

Eccles: Oh, nearly as big as mine. Oho um.

Neddie: We start at once.

Eccles: Mr. Seagoon, can ... can I bring a friend?

Neddie: Friend?

Eccles: Yup.

Neddie: (aside) There's only one thing that can befriend Eccles, and that is ... a Yehti! As casually as I could, I asked him ... (ahem) He's not about twelve feet tall with hair all over him, is he?

Bluebottle: No, I'm not! Enter Bluebottle, with a smile and a song. Stands waist deep in snow, smiles grimly, jabs alpenstock into snow. Ohh! My foot!

Eccles: This is my friend.

Bluebottle: Hello, Eccles.

Eccles: Hello, Bluebottle.

Blebottle: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors. Thinks: Here we are again, this time on the Yorkshire Moors.

Neddie: Now listen to me, icicle pants!

Bluebottle: Oh.

Neddie: Are you willing to join us in this search for the Yehti?

Bluebottle: Yes, my Capitan, I will join you. And Eccles will join us too, won't you, Yeccles.

Eccles: Yes.

Bluebottle: Forward! Moves forward, but feet are frozen to ground. Falls flat on face. Pretends to be examining tracks.

Neddie: And so we planned our search for Yehti tracks. After long discussion we decided that the best place to look was in the snow.

Eccles: Oh.

Bluebottle: Yes.

Neddie: Our search commenced.

Bluebottle: I say, Eccles.

Eccles: Yuh.

Bluebottle: How's your little pussycat gettin' on?

Eccles: Fine, fine. it just had six puppies.

Bluebottle: Could I have one, Eccles. I'd be the man that sees no-one touches dem for you. I will treasure it, I will.

Eccles: Okay, den. You can have ... you can have two of dem.

Bluebottle: (excited) Oho ho yum. Two little bow-wows! Do you know what I will call them? I will call them ... I will call them Mick and Pat.

Eccles: Oh! Mick and Pat. Aha ha hoo hum ... aha da hum ... aha yum ... I know a story about Mick and Pat.

Bluebottle: So do I!

Eccles & Bluebottle (together): (both laugh)

Neddie: Eccles! Bluebottle! What's that!

Bluebottle: Well, you see, Mick goes to the doctor's ...

Neddie: No no no no.

Bluebottle: Oh.

Neddie: Here. Look! Yehti tracks!

Eccles: Oh.

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords

Neddie: Those tracks led us to a deserted farmhouse. The door was closed. It only remained for someone to go in and capture the Yehti!

Bluebottle: (quick) Good night, Mr. Seagoon!

Eccles: (quick) Goodnight!

Neddie: No no no no! Wait wait wait wait! Don't worry! I'll go! But first ... I want you to do something, Eccles.

Eccles: Yuh?

Neddie: Just nip inside and see if the coast is clear.

Eccles: Okay. That's if we all go in ... together.

Neddie: Ohhh. We'll search the house.

Eccles: Right.

Neddie: Leave the door open so we can dash out if need be.

FX: Door creaks open, door closes

Neddie: I said 'don't close the door'!

Eccles: I didn't close it.

Bluebottle: (frightened) I didn't, as well. I don't like this game. I want to go back to London town and see the pretty shops.

Neddie: We must try another way out.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Sheep

Neddie: Curse it! More sheep!

Eccles: Where?

Neddie: In that room. Did you hear them?

Bluebottle: No.

Eccles: No, I didn't hear them.

Neddie: You must have done. Listen again.

FX: Door opens

Eccles: (pause) Oh yeah. I can hear them now. Yep.

Bluebottle: Yes. Yes. So can I. I can really hear them. Lots of sheepies.

FX: Door closes

Neddie: But they weren't there that time. They weren't there, you understand. (panic) I know! They've moved into another room. That's it! Ha ha. They must be in here.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Big bar fight, glass breaking

FX: Door closes

GRAMS: Sound of fight stops suddenly

Neddie: No. That room's empty as well.

Eccles: Let's ... let's try dis room here.

Neddie: Right.

FX: Door opens

Neddie: (startled) Woop! Sorry!

Wal: (off) I should think so, too.

FX: Door closes

Neddie: Ol' Greenslade having a bath. Fancy meeting him. He couldn't be ... Eccles, you open that door and tell me if I'm seeing things.

Eccles: Okay.

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Fred the Oyster sound

FX:Door closes

Neddie: Who's that?

Eccles: Fred the Oyster.

Neddie: Thank heavens.

Eccles: Here, here. Look, look. This door. It's marked 'Eccles'.

Neddie: So it is.

Bluebottle: Oh, you lucky thing, Eccles. Your name on the door. Ahee hee. Are you going to go in?

Eccles: Well um ... yeah! Goodbye fellows.

Neddie: Good luck, laddie.

FX: Door opens, door closes

Eccles: (off) Well, hello, girls. Ha hum. Oh, thank you. Yep, I'll have a piece of that chicken, yeah. Thank you, thank you. And a bunch o' grapes. Yeah. Oh, girls, girls, girls. (excited) Oh, it's good to be alive!

Bluebottle: Ooo! I wish I had a door with my my name on it like that. Thinks: Eccles is a happy-go-lucky lad.

Neddie: Bluebottle! Look!

Bleubottle: Ah.

Neddie: Bluebottle! This door has your name on it.

Bluebottle: Has it?

Neddie: Yes.

Bluebottle: Goo ... yes! B-L-E-N-T-N Blunbintle! Yes, it has. Wipes mouth with shirt-tail and prepares to enter for the good things of life. Speaks: Goodbye, Mr. Seagoon. I hope that there will be a door for you. Enters own door.

FX: Door opens, closes

GRAMS: Pause, explosion, metal and rubble falling to ground

Wal: And there we must leave The Goon Show for another ...

Neddie: No no. wait! Wait! You can't leave me here alone in this house with the Yehti! Hellppp! You can't leave me. (pleading) Let's have a happy end, Greenslade. Greenslade. Wally.

Wal: All right, all right. Don't fuss.

Neddie: Where's the door marked 'Neddie'? Bluebottle's door. Eccles' door. What's this one? (gulp) 'The Yehti.' (shivering whimper) What should I do? If I could capture it, all my troubles would be over. But how? How could I find a crate big enough? (excited) Ah! Wait a minute! Quick as a flash, I had the answer. It was simple! Aha ha.

FX: Clicking of locks

Neddie: (over) Lock the door and take the room to London! Aha ha. Aha ha. I've got you! (strains) To London!

ORCHESTRA: Link music

Peter (dignified): Gentlemen of the East Acton Geographical Society. It's two weeks now and still no word from Neddie ... about this Yehti.

FX: Knocking on door 5 times

Peter (dignified): Come in!

FX: Door opens

Peter (dignified): Well well well, we were just talking about you.

Neddie: Well, I've got it! The Yehti! (effort) Aha ha ha. Help me to get this room in here.

Peter (dignified): Is the Yehti in there?

Neddie: Yes, he's in there.

Peter (dignified): Don't bother to bring the room in. We'll come out.

Neddie: Right. Well, here it is. Now, stand well back, gentlemen. He may well be armed. Aha ha ha ha. Now, when I fling this door open, be ready to grab him. Right!

FX: Door opens

GRAMS: Train whistle

Neddie: Hellppp!

ORCHESTRA 'Lucky Strike' signature tune

Wal: (over) That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA: Playout

(1) In original UK broadcast, not in TS reissue.

TLO 73495