The Goon Show Series 6 Episode 1 - The Man Who The War or Seagoon MCC Transcribed January 2003 by Digby Green. The Mp3 I have is 6,452 K and is 27.31 minutes long. If anyone has a longer one can they please send it to me. dareme eccles actrix. co. nz Editing Notes ~~~ means can't make out the word ? means I think this is what it says GREENSLADE This is the BBC. FX Eee aw Eee aw ooh (donkey noise) rude noise. GREENSLADE Thank you. In the last three years, war books have had the highest sales in the world, but no where else. Among the best sellers were... SEAGOON Reach for the Sky. WHO ? The Cruel Sea. MORIATY I Flew for the Fuehrer. SEAGOON The Colditz Story. SPIKE The Hotlitz Story. And now GREENSLADE This is the BBC Home Service FX Donkey ey aw rude noise SPIKE And now, The story we tell tonight is one of courage, heroism, tenacity of a man gifted with a great intellect, his name was... ECCLES Hello. SPIKE No not him, it was Seagoon MCC. SEAGOON Yes, Seagoon MCC, I was a batman, get it Seagoon MCC batman heh hah hah hah eeh ha ha. GREENSLADE The Book, Seagoon MCC is available in leather, paper or book form. All in all, sixteen brass and porridge bound volumes, complete with colour plates, words, pages and needle nardle noo. SELLERS The forward for this massive tome... ECCLES Tome, what's a tome WHO ? Nobody I live with myself. GREENSLADE The forward for this tome was written by Field Marshal Eccles who also wrote the backward. We proudly present ... SEAGOON Seagoon MCC ! ORCHESTRA Long Fanfare military trumpets SEAGOON Chapter 1, 1939, I joined the colours. ELLINGTON Man, welcome to the regiment. ORCHESTRA Fanfare GREENSLADE Chapter 4, in which Neddie Seagoon is transferred to a more suitable regiment. SEAGOON No no put me down ah you can't do that to me aah. MILLIGAN Shut up GRYTPYPE Ah now what have we got here ? MILLIGAN A volunteer sir. SEAGOON Its all a mistake sir, Its all a mistake. I can't sign. You can't take me. I'm, I'm an American buddy. I'm an American. I'm from the prairie ay ay I'm from the prairie, I'm er, I'm from New York GRYTPYPE New York? SEAGOON Yes. GRYTPYPE Oh, do know the Bronx ? SEAGOON I know them well, I married their daughter Gladys Bronx. GRYTPYPE You'd better report to the American army authorities, just through there. SEAGOON Oh thank you buddy. FX opens door closes door SEAGOON Ha Good morning. GRYTPYPE Good morning buddy. You want to join the American Army buddy ? SEAGOON No no I can't join you see, I'm, I'm, I'm British, GRYTPYPE I knew you weren't American the moment you mentioned you're married to Gladys Bronx. SEAGOON Why ? GRYTPYPE I am Gladys Bronx. SEAGOON Darling, together again. GRYTPYPE Shall we Dance ? SEAGOON Of course. ORCHESTRA Waltz Music GREENSLADE That was the special happy ending for housewives, now here is what really happened. GRYTPYPE Sergeant - arrest that fat bladder of lard. SEAGOON Oh buddy darling. No I can't join the army. You see, I'm only sixteen. GRYTPYPE Then you'll have to lie about your age. SEAGOON I am lying about my age. GRYTPYPE Huh. Congratulations your the first man to lie his way into the army, next please. SEAGOON Curses dear listeners. Dear listeners all my cunning, skirts, urchin cut, high heeled shoes, have availed me not. Never mind dear listeners, no army can hold a Seagoon for long. Hah ah. I have an idea. After all money talks. MILLIGAN I am threepenny bit. SEAGOON Silence ! (long audience laughter) I'll put the coppers on you. GRYTPYPE Seagoon. Why are you hanging around ? SEAGOON I'll tell you why (aside) I took out a roll of pound notes and tossed a rubber band into his lap. GRYTPYPE Wait, this rubber band is empty. FX army marching MILLIGAN Volunteer Left right left right (Seagoon yelling in background) GREENSLADE Chapter 5, in which Seagoon tries to work his ticket. SEAGOON Yes. As I sat in my padded cell chained to the wall in a double straight. I thought. I know what I'll do, I'll act mad. Haa haa haa haa yes haa haa haa haa. Warder I want to join the lovely British army. FX whoosh GRYTPYPE Sign here please. GREENSLADE Chapter 6 in which private Seagoon tries to work his ticket. SEAGOON Yes. When the Blitz came. England was under a very heavy aerial bombardment, mainly from the air. I thought up a mad hair-brained scheme that would surely prove I was unfit for military service. MILLIGAN Left right left right left right, left right, left right FX (sound of troops marching) MILLIGAN Private Seagooooon - Halt. Private Seagoon from the right number ! SEAGOON One two three four five six seven eight nine ten. MILLIGAN Private Seagoon all correct and present sir. GRYTPYPE Stand easy FX (stands easy). Neddie You know that idea you submitted? SEAGOON Huh Huh Huh. The one about filling bags of skin with gas and letting them up on pieces of string above London to frighten enemy aircraft. GRYTPYPE Yes, that one. SEAGOON Hah ahha That one, ha ha. Anyone thinking up an idea like that should be thrown out of the army eh? hahhh , ribble, ribble, ribble (wobbling lips). GRYTPYPE Look up there in the sky. SEAGOON Ahhhh bags of skin on pieces of string - my idea. GRYTPYPE Yes, barrage balloons, and as a token of gratitude, the War Office has granted you promotion. SEAGOON Ahhhh FX (troops march down road) MILLIGAN Left right, left right, left right, Company GREENSLADE Chapter 7, in which Lance Corporal Seagoon tries to work his ticket. SEAGOON This time. I decided to take my crazy scheme to another quarter, to some real idiot. BLOODNOK At the time I was heavily engaged in the defence of London. See also 'The War Memoirs of Major Dennis Bloodnok Professional Coward' - price two shillings. SEAGOON I'd expected to find the Major in a sumptuous Whitehall office. BLOODNOK Ah, but no. I was a simple soldier, and content to defend London from a quiet country field in a little iron room 500 feet below ground. FX Knock Knock knock knock (pounding on bunker door) BLOODNOK I surrender. I surrender. (sings) Deutschland Deutschland ueber allies SEAGOON Its Corporal Seagoon. BLOODNOK What ? (sings) There'll always be an England. Oh oh ha ha. Come in lad. FX Metal door being dragged open (drag rubbish tin across concrete floor). BLOODNOK Have they invaded yet ? SEAGOON No sir BLOODNOK Son, Pull down that German flag. SEAGOON Major you're not thinking of surrender ? BLOODNOK What a Bloodnok never surrenders. I never get near enough . See also my war biography 'A Bloodnok Who Never Surrenders' by Major Denis Bloodnok POW. Now, would you care to, care to join me in a small shot of schnapps ? SEAGOON I don't like small schnapp shots sir BLOODNOK Say that again. SEAGOON I daren't risk it. BLOODNOK Personally, I don't blame you, however, Now SEAGOON Mmm hmm mmm mmmh BLOODNOK To whom do I owe the honour of this visit ? SEAGOON Me ! BLOODNOK What a brilliant des~~~ (description ???) SEAGOON Needle arddle ooo. BLOODNOK Sit here, please, yes. SEAGOON I crept under a concrete crate with him. BLOODNOK I'll just put on my on my eight steel hats, three gas masks and strap on this stirrup pump. Ah, there, Now let them come, now let them come. What is it ? SEAGOON Major did you do know that England is under a heavy air offensive? BLOODNOK I had heard rumours, yes. SEAGOON Major, I have a brilliant plan. BLOODNOK That sounds like a brilliant plan! (aside) If it works, I shall accept the responsibility. If it fails it was all his idea in the first place. SEAGOON Aside. Good. If anything went wrong I would be blamed. huh u huh, and then I'd get my ticket. Heh heh. Normal. mmm mmm (clears throat). Aloud. Arh this is the idea, build cardboard tanks, put them on the Salisbury plain, and the Germans will waste thousand of bombs on them BLOODNOK Grab me scalibers (?) and (?)thud me gringers (?) Ooh you, You must be mad. SEAGOON Yes. Yes that is it. I'm mad. You'll tell my CO won't you. I'm mad, I'm mad. BLOODNOK You cannot ~~~ ~~~ ooh SEAGOON (Barks like dog, then yelps like dog) ohw ohowo ooh oh oow BLOODNOK Get out of here you naughty doggie, get out of here. FX Heavy door been slid back. Some wooden things banging together (as though swinging against each from movement of door?). (singing 'far la la la' as though from distant record player). Jangle then dialing of phone. BLOODNOK Hello, (sings) My secret heart till I find you. Hello the war office, Ah, yes, I've had a brilliant idea, look, why don't we build cardboard tanks and (fades away) GRAMS The sound of aircraft high in the sky under: SEAGOON So my plan was put into operation. Two weeks later the air over Salisbury Plain was vibrant with the sound of German aircraft. BLOODNOK What a sight it was, I saw it all on the newsreel. The silly Germans swallowed the bait and bombed the cardboard tanks. GREENSLADE This is the BBC Home Service. Last night, fleets of German bombers dropped cardboard bombs on Salisbury Plains. BLOODNOK What, What, What, oooh oph, oph, see also my book 'It Wasn't My Idea in the First Place' - price one and nine. SEAGOON See also my book, 'Then Why Did Bloodnok Take the Credit' - price a shilling. BLOODNOK See also It, 'It Looked Good On Paper' - price sixpence. SEAGOON See also 'Bloodnok Tried To Deceive Me' - price thruppence. BLOODNOK See also 'Why Don't You Shut Up' - price tuppence. SEAGOON See also 'How Dare You Speak to Me Like That '- a penny. BLOODNOK See also 'Take That' ! FX slap SEAGOON Ooh BLOODNOK Post free. (or Two and Three) SEAGOON You asked for my sequel - 'Take That' ! BLOODNOK Arh (Seagoon and Bloodnok trading slaps and yelling under:) GREENSLADE See also I was 'Tito's Pianist' by Max Geldray in the plain wrappers. Max Geldray TUNE (applause) FX (sound of troops marching) MILLIGAN Left right, left right left right, left right, left right. Corporal Seagoon. (aside) See also 'I Marched Him In' - price ten shillings. Corporal Seagoon Halt. Corporal Seagoon from the right company. SEAGOON One two three four five six seven eight nine ten. MORIATY Seagoon all correct sir. (slurred) GRYTPYPE Seagoon, Bloodnok accuses you of initiating the cardboard tank idea. SEAGOON That's right. All mine All my crazy idea. Ehha ehha. Anyone who comes up with an idea like that should be thrown out of the army ey ? ehha ehha shouldn't they ? hmm hmm hm. GRYTPYPE Look out of the window SEAGOON Aaah aaaaaah Cardboard tanks GRYTPYPE Yes, we were able to build them out of all those lovely cardboard bombs the Germans dropped. Thanks to you, FX slaps stripes into his hand GRYTPYPE Sergeant Seagoon. SEAGOON Sergeant ! no no before I've sewn the tapes on Sir, I have another idea. GRYTPYPE You have ? What? SEAGOON Yes, Just a moment I, I'll have to think of it. yes, yes, yes aha yes, yes ha hum hmm hmm hmm. The Germans, the Germans are only separated from us by the channel eh ? Which is only twenty one miles wide. FX splash, (long break)diving into water, swimming (fades to distance then back in again) man climbs out of water (25 secs long). GRYTPYPE Actually it's twenty two. SEAGOON I knew it was twenty two all the time, I was keeping the real distance a secret. GRYTPYPE Were you ? SEAGOON Yes. GRYTPYPE Have a grenade. FX small explosion. MILLIGAN Number ! SEAGOON One two three four five six seven eight nine. GRYTPYPE Now Seagoon, What is this brilliant plan of yours? SEAGOON Captain, Supposing the channel was a hundred miles across. GRYTPYPE Mmm. SEAGOON Wouldn't that make the Germans think twice about invading us ? GRYTPYPE Well, that would certainly deter them. SEAGOON Yes, they'd have to make a detour, get it ? huh huh a detour ? GRYTPYPE Have a Grenade. FX Boom MILLIGAN Number ! SEAGOON One two three four five six seven eight. (CHINSTRAP ?) or (MORIARTY) or (de GAULLE ?) Oh sapristi, Yabba ba carca boo. One moment Captain Grytpype, one moment please. As commander of the Fried French Forces. I Think. I think that this lad's idea is very good. Tell me oh little nation of shopkeepers - How do you intend making the channel a hundred miles wide ? SEAGOON That gentlemen, is your worry MILLIGAN And this is yours. FX pistol firing MILLIGAN Number SEAGOON One two three four five six seven. GRYTPYPE We're wearing him down dear listeners SEAGOON Very well. See also my book - 'I Said Very Well' - price eight pounds. Gentlemen, gentlemen I'll lay my cards on the table. I'll give you an idea that will win the war. Provided you give me my discharge from the army. MORIATY It's a deal. As soon as the war is over, you will be discharged from the army. SEAGOON Right, now, this is it. Build a full scale cardboard replica of England, MORIARTY Oh SEAGOON Anchor it off the coast of Germany, then when the Germans have invaded it, we tow it out to sea - and pull the plug out. MORIATY Build a replica you said. Build a replica. GRYTPYPE Wait a moment. I don't know the meaning of the word replica. SEAGOON That's your pigeon. FX coo coo (sounds of pigeon) MORIATY So it is and he's got a dictionary stuck to his leg and here, here, here under the R is the word replica Meaning Replica - meaning model of. GRYTPYPE Who could build this replica ? SEAGOON Before I answer that may I ask a question ? GRYTPYPE Yes SEAGOON Who can build this replica ? FX pistol fires MILLIGAN Number! SEAGOON One two three four five six. GREENSLADE Mean time in the house of the well known cardboard contractor on the coast of Eastbourne HENRY CRUN Dear, oh dear dear. You can't get the wood you know. MIN It'll all be over by Christmas, ~~~ ~~~ ~~~. OLD UNCLE OSCAR (Secombe) Have you seen my teeth Henry? FX rattling around (dropping of nails under:) MIN Oh dear, oh dear, Lost his, lost his teeth OSCAR I had them this morning FX glass smashing MIN Ooh. HENRY CRUN Ohhh. You ... OSCAR I had them first thing this morning and er ... HENRY CRUN He stole my pigeons. OSCAR I, I ... MIN Stopping there so long OSCAR I had them when I er ... HENRY CRUN What is ~~~ I don't know ~~~ Carry on FX Something breaking MIN Ohhh ~~~ OSCAR I had them when I lost my teeth. MIN I know. GREENSLADE This went on for some time. FX Knock Knock knock knock MIN Oooh ooooh What ! Its the invasion. We'll all being invaded in our beds ooh. FX Knock, Knock, Knock SEAGOON Anybody in ? MIN Arhh, oowll HENRY CRUN He speaks English MIN These ~~ Germans are very clever they speak German as well you know. HENRY CRUN I know. FX Hard knocking SEAGOON Let me in! MIN Oowl. One step nearer and we'll take off our gas masks HENRY CRUN Yes. MIN Yes. SEAGOON Dear patriotical couple I'm British - I can prove it by the horse I'm riding. HENRY CRUN How ? SEAGOON Go on tell him. HORSE / ECCLES (MILLIGAN) Yeh, he's British. MISTER CRUN How do I know the horse is telling the truth ? SEAGOON Have you ever heard of a horse telling a lie ? MIN Got you there Henry, HENRY CRUN Yes. MIN Better uncouple the locks and let him in. HENRY CRUN Yes, yes I 'd better let him in. FX Door opening SEAGOON Thank you. Now which one of you two is Mister Crun MIN I'm Miss Banister. SEAGOON Never mind who you are. Which one is Henry Crun. MIN Don't tell him Henry HENRY CRUN No. I'm mmm mmm I'm not going to tell him Min. In any case. MIN Ooh HENRY CRUN Oh, In any case, why do you want to make know name ? SEAGOON Mister Crun. You make cardboard models and scenery. HENRY CRUN If I was Mister Crun, which I'm not admitting, yes I do. SEAGOON Well I'm Neddie Seagoon and I'm acting for Captain Grytpype Thynne HENRY CRUN Why ? SEAGOON He's a very bad actor. HORSE (MILLIGAN) He's British. SEAGOON So is the Ray Ellington Quartet ! RAY ELLIGNTON SONG (applause) HENRY CRUN See also 'You Can't Get The Musicians' - price three guineas.(guilders ?) SEAGOON Mr Crun, as I was saying, have you a full scale cardboard replica of England ? HENRY CRUN Oh I'm sorry, the last one was sold this morning. SEAGOON Curses. Who bought it ? HENRY CRUN Oh dear um, Mmm, mmm A military looking gentleman called Major Bloodnok. SEAGOON Major Bloodnok, Bloodnok, Bloodnok FX Bell SEAGOON The name rings a bell. BLOODNOK Yes. I'm a bell ringer. Ooh SEAGOON You, you naughty bell ringer. What have you done with that full scale cardboard replica of England. BLOODNOK Ooohhh ooh SEAGOON Open your coat BLOODNOK (Gasp) SEAGOON Mmmm, its not there Aha, you're hiding it somewhere else. BLOODNOK Oh. SEAGOON Lift up your hat. BLOODNOK Right. ECCLES Hello. SEAGOON Mad Dan Eccles what are you doing under his hat ? ECCLES I'm his barber. BLOODNOK Yes - He's the black sheep of the family. ECCLES Yes, I'm baa baa black sheep. SEAGOON Eccles lift up your hat. ECCLES OK GRAMS (Music plays from the hat) SEAGOON Good heavens - a hat band. ECCLES Now you know why I sleep with my hat on. BLOODNOK I - I - I can't lie to you Neddie. Look here. I'll, I'll tell you where the replica is. It's already being assembled off Liverpool in the river Mersey. Ready for convoy SEAGOON Ha. I realised that my great plan was being put into operation and unless I intercepted Colonel Grytpype Thynne and General Fried French Moriaty they would claim the idea as theirs. I planned to capture them and force them to sign a document that would give me claim as the inventor and thus enable me to buy my freedom from the army ORCHESTRA Fanfare MILLIGAN (nasal) Thank you SEAGOON To help me capture my two enemies, I hired two stalwart men. I was to meet them just outside Liverpool. FX whining wind under: BLUEBOTTLE Shall I tell you something Eccles ? After the war I'm going to write a book called 'I was a Commando'. ECCLES Fine, Fine, Fine, ooh. BLEBOTTLE Yes. We are brave are commandos aren't we Eccles ? ECCLES Yeha, BLUEBOTTLE You are a brave commando and I am a brave commando. ECCLES Yeah, fine yeah BLUEBOTTLE Ere ! ECCLES What yeah BLUEBOTTLE We're both brave. Being brave it is fine. Here ! There's a spider crawling up my leg. I frighted {him}. I don't like this game. Moves right, show first class cowards badge. FX whoosh. Rattling of dustbin lid. SEAGOON It's me you fools. Come out of that dustbin. FX opens lid. ECCLES We were just having dinner, care to join us ? SEAGOON I raised the lid of the invitation. FX raises lid ORCHESTRA Music plays (violins) WAITER ? Your hat and coat sir ? SEAGOON Thank you WAITER Sit here please. SEAGOON Thank you. GRYTPYPE or MORIATY Ah got you ! SEAGOON Quick somebody's put the lid on GRYTPYPE Neddie you're not going to get away SEAGOON Trapped in the dustbin. Quick, pay off the band ORCHESTRA Fanfare. Link Music FX water lapping WHO ? Oh errrrrh SEAGOON I awoke with a pain in my neck BLOODNOK Yes, it was me. SEAGOON Bloodnok where are we ? BLOODNOK Oooh, That swine Moriarty kidnapped us in the dustbin and set us adrift on a cardboard replica of England. We're floating towards Germany lad. ECCLES Oh. See also my book 'Oh'. SEAGOON We'll all be killed BLOODNOK Killed ? A fate worse than death. MIN Ooorh you you you What's that Hen.. HENRY CRUN Minnie, you here as well, ooh. Let me help you up my little flower. MIN I can get up myself HENRY CRUN My little self raising flour. SEAGOON I see it all now, Grytpype is making sure we're all killed by German bombers, so that he can claim the idea as his. But he won't get away with it, I'm too clever. He won't get away with it I tell you. FX Bombs falling, explosions. GRYTPYPE But I did. Next show please ECCLES You've been listening to the Goon Show FX Shot GRYTPYPE Next announcer please. ROLL Out Music... GREENSLADE That was the Goon show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade the programme produced by Peter Eton. Final Music Digby Green's Comments on The Show I love the running gag about the books and their prices. I also love the gag about self raising flour near the end. Yukka Tukka probably would say that had just been invented in the fifties Funnily enough, as a military history fan I do not get the MCC batman joke. I must admit that I do not know what MCC stands for. Oh I just got it, MCC cricket club, Batman ! - Batsman ? Jokes I like: Money Talks - I'm a thruppeny bit ! Bar Bar Black Sheep Other Good Ones: I'm Acting for Grytpype Thynne, Why - He's a Bad actor I don't like small snap shots.