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From: josh@pogo.cqs.washington.edu (doc)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
Subject: Script: The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fumanchu
Date: 3 Nov 1994 22:08:41 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
Lines: 881
Message-ID: <39bn19$1g2@news.u.washington.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: pogo.cqs.washington.edu
Well, folks, it was either type this in or do some work.
FX: Coins clink
Thank you! And now, I present:
The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fumanchu
(Series 6; 6 December 1955)
WALLACE
This is the BBC Home Service. Now here is a record.
Grams: Scratch. Wallace (pre-recorded) saying 'This is the BBC Home
Service.'
WALLACE
We present the Eddie Calvert of the East, Fred FUMANCHUanchu and his Bamboo
Saxophone.
PETER
But let us turn back the clock to the year 1895 -- the year of the
Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace.
Orchestra: Fanfare
FX: (fade in) crowd noise
PATSY HAGEN
My lords, ladies and gentlemen -- we come now to the concluding round
of the world's international heavyweight saxophone contest -- from the
Orient, with his bamboo saxophone -- Fred FUMANCHUanchu!
Grams: slight clapping
FUMANCHU
I thank you.
PATSY HAGEN
And on my right, representing the Empire and wearing the kilt, a
shamrock, four leeks and a thistle, with a turban made out of our
glorious Union Jack -- Major Dennis Bloodnok -- an Englishman!
Grams: Furore, cheers
PATSY HAGEN
First we will give a fair hearing to Mr Fred Fumanchu.
FUMANCHU
I thank you. (clears throat)
Orchestra: 'Valse Vanite' (last 8 bars)
(Silence)
PATSY HAGEN
And now we will hear from the British contender -- Major Bloodnok!
Grams: Vast cheers
BLOODNOK
Thank you. (clears throat)
Orchestra: One note
PATSY HAGEN
The winner!
Grams: Vast cheers, Crowd singing 'There'll Always be an England'
PATSY HAGEN
Quiet! Quiet please! Quiet! By the merest chance, it so happens that
Major Bloodnok's name is already engraved on this magnificent silver
cup.
Grams: Swamp with cheers
FUMANCHU
Stop -- English people most dishonest! I make terrible revenge on
white man.
Orchestra: Dramatic chords
WALLACE
'The Fearful Revenge of Fred Fumanchu -- the disappointed oriental
bamboo saxophone.' Chapter One. A Blow Is Struck.
FX: thud
WALLACE
Oooh!
PETER
Chapter Two. Funeral Of An Announcer.
Grams: Fast funeral march (fade)
HARRY
Chapter Three.
WALLACE
The scene is in Outer Mongolia where within a life-sized reproduction
of the Kremlin, three sinister figures are stooping over a hellish
brew in a magnificently-equipped laboratory.
Grams: bubbling
FUMANCHU (raging)
Oh Boy! You see this liquid here? It will bling just retlibution on
all white men for foul tlick prayed on me at Clystal Parrace
Exposition. Anybody dlinking one dlop of this liquid will immediately
explode anything he points at. Oh! Hot Diggoty! We have plenty fun.
HARRY (Chinese)
But how are we going to get fatal liquid dlunk by stupid white man?
FUMANCHU
Simple. Put in whiskey bottle and leave in Hyde Park.
WALLACE
Six months later--
Orchestra: Passage of time
BLOODNOK
Ah! Here I am, six months later, in Hyde Park. And see! Someone has
put a naughty bottle of whiskey by my ancestral home -- i.e. the
dustbin. Any questions? And aaah! Unless I am much mistaken I am about
to open the bottle.
FX: Bottle -- Pop
BLOODNOK
Thank you. (Gulps) Ah! That's better.
FX: slight explosion
BLOODNOK
Manners!
FUMANCHU
Pardon me, please.
BLOODNOK
What do you want, you fiendish yellow devil carrying a bamboo
saxophone? Are you one of those Boxer villains?
FUMANCHU
Pardon?
BLOODNOK
Have you never heard of the Boxer Rising?
FUMANCHU
Only after a count of ten.
BLOODNOK
I don't wish to know that.
FUMANCHU
Kind fliend, will do honolable favour, please?
BLOODNOK
What do you want me to do? How much? Anything for money. Here's the
advertisement I put in the paper. See -- 'Wanted -- Money! No
reasonable offer refused'.
FUMANCHU
Now, please. Here five shilling. Point finger at policeman over there.
BLOODNOK
Right.
Grams: Explosion
BLOODNOK
Good heavens, I've exploded a constable. I've never known a copper to
go so far. What does this mean?
FUMANCHU
It means you will point at everything I tell you and poof!
BLOODNOK
I won't do it. You'll have to force me.
FUMANCHU
What with?
BLOODNOK
Money.
FUMANCHU
Very well. But you are my plisoner. Only I can remove your fatal
power. Raise hands and ears above head, please, and follow me. (goes
off)
BLOODNOK
You've got me. (Aside) But don't worry, listeners, I will secretly
type a help note and leave it with a life-like oil-portrait of this
yellow fiend underneath a convenient stone along with this recording
of Max Geldray. There.
Max & Orchestra, `Exactly Like You'
WALLACE
`The Dreadful Revenge of...' Er...um....that fellow -- you know, that
chap with the explodable finger...what's his name...er...I'll get it
in a minute. Don't go away...(hums and haws).
PETER (close to mike)
I'd like to tell listeners now that Mr Greenslade is the only BBC
announcer not so far approached by commercial television.
WALLACE
I've got it! `Fred Fumanchu', Part Two.
NED
That night I was in my office at Scotland Yard listening to the
commercial telly with the picture turned down.
Grams: Ellington (distorted), `We interrupt this advertisement to give
police message. Scotland Yard anxious to contact man with explodable
finger accompanied by sinister Chinaman who have already blown up
27,000 metal saxophones. Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0.'
FX: Click
NED
Sergeant!
THROAT
Yes?
NED
This is terrible! Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0, and that dreadful Chinese
saxophone destroyer! My honour as Chief Commissioner depends upon his
instant apprehension. By heavens! I'll offer a thousand pounds for --
MORIARTY
A thousand pounds for what?
THYNNE
Let me do the talking, Moriarty...our card.
NED
What's this? `Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty -- Eiffel Tower
Specialists'? That's no good to me. I want men to track down a
saxophone exploder.
THYNNE
Exactly. These Eiffel Towers are just a disguise. Moriarty, take off
your Eiffel Tower. There -- you can see underneath he's wearing his
anti-saxophone exploding set.
NED
The very men I want. Get Fred Fumanchu!
MORIARTY
What about the money -- the money?
NED
I'll give you an advance. Here's an oil painting of a cheque for three
hundred pounds.
THYNNE
Good. Moriarty, take this to the Royal Academy and cash it.
MORIARTY
Right.
FX: Whoosh
THYNNE
Back to the case. Now then, Neddie, whom do you suspect?
NED
The Referee. He was obviously on Birmingham's side. Arsenal should
have been three up by...
THYNNE
I know that. I meant the saxophone exploder.
NED
Ah, yes, Fred Fumanchu. He's trying to finish Britain as a
saxophone-playing nation.
THYNNE
Gad! That goes pretty deep. Then we've got to stop him. Where is this
fiend?
NED
I'm told he's in the vicinity.
THYNNE
Then we must wait till he comes out.
NED
But he'll recognize us in these uniforms of plain-clothes men.
THYNNE
Then we'll disguise ourselves. I know -- you put on Moriarty's Eiffel
Tower and I'll walk behind in mine.
NED
But wait! If Fumanchu sees _two_ Eiffel Towers together he'll know one
of them is a phoney.
THYNNE
Neddie, you have a sharp mind. Two Eiffel Towers must never be seen
together. Take it off and we'll use my portable Nelson's column
instead. You stand on top and I'll wheel you along.
NED
But won't that be rather conspicuous?
THYNNE
Certainly not, Neddie. I'll enclose the whole thing in a cardboard
replica of Charing Cross Station.
NED
To think I doubted you! Have this water-colour of a cheque for 50
pounds.
THYNNE
Thank you. Moriarty!
FX: Whoosh
MORIARTY
Yes, yes?
THYNNE
Take this to the Royal Institute of Water-Colour Painters and have it
changed into woodcuts.
FX: Whoosh
THYNNE
Now, Neddie, are you on top of the column? Right! Off we go!
FX: fade in under following, slight traffic
WALLACE
And so, disguised as Charing Cross Station on wheels, they moved
cautiously up the Strand until they were suddenly halted at the
Adelphi by a familiar voice.
BLOODNOK
Roll up! Tonight for one night only! Jim Fumanchu, amazing oriental
conjurer. No relation to Fred. Seats at the box office, or, at a
slight reduction, from me personally.
NED (whispers)
Look, Grytpype -- Dennis Bloodnok, the confederate of Fumanchu! Jim
must be Fred in disguise. No Chinaman could have a name like Jim.
MORIARTY
Neddie! We've got him! You cover the back and we'll cover the front.
THYNNE
And that's how he got away at the side.
FX: eight Chinese gabbling like Keystone Cops. Car revved up fast and
away
NED
There he goes!
FX: two shots
MORIARTY
I think you've wounded him. Yes! Look! Here's a trail of fresh
noodles.
NED
After him! Quick! Into the squad car and hold tight.
FX: Coconut shells or slow record of horse and cart
NED
Can't you go any faster?
MORIARTY
Of course.
FX: Horse and cart effect speeded up to fantastic speed
NED
Stop!
FX: stops at once
NED
We've reached a crossroads.
MORIARTY
Wait! The trail of noodles has stopped and continues with preserved
ginger.
NED
We must hurry. He's reached his last course. Which road has he taken?
MORIARTY
The one to Dewsbury.
NED
Then we haven't a moment to lose. Giddap!
FX: Horse and carts restarts and speeds up. Fade down under:
WALLACE
Dewsbury! That was the significant word. As Seagoon well knew, in
Dewsbury resided the player-owner of the last remaining metal
saxophone in England.
Fade in:
FX: Bubbling cauldron, continuing under and mixed with
Music: Corny hot sax solo: "Yellow Rose of Texas"
FX: terrific steam jet
Music: out
MINNIE (screams)
CRUN
Keep it still, Min. Hold that saxophone still.
MINNIE
But it's getting hot, Henry.
CRUN
I don't care, Min. How can I get this jet of green steam up it if you
jiggle about?
MINNIE
Why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone?
CRUN
I keep telling you. That naughty saxophone exploder, Fred Fumanchu, is
after your saxophone and this green steam will immunize it. Now - once
again. One...two...
Music: Sax solo: "In the Mood"
FX: Terrific steam jet as before
Music: out
MINNIE (screams)
CRUN
No, that's no good, Min. You were playing the wrong tune. It must be
'The Yellow Man from Texas'.
MINNIE
I'm sick of playing that one, buddy.
CRUN
Then play 'Riding on a Rainbow' and I'll put on this record of Mr Ray
Ellington to accompany you.
The Ray Ellington Quartet: "Riding on a Rainbow"
WALLACE
That was Ray Ellington of whom it has been said. Next, we present 'The
Dreaded Revenge of Fred Fumanchu', Part 4. And I quote, 'Part 4'. The
story up to now. By passing him twice, Seagoon managed to reach the
Bannister residence ahead of the dreaded Fumanchu.
NED
Now to organise the defence. Who'll volunteer?
BLUEBOTTLE
I will, my capitain. Enter Balloonbottle, son of the regiment, with
cardboard waterpistol and own water in empty lemonade bottle.
NED
Noble lad! Bluebottle - from the right - number!
BLUEBOTTLE
Sixty-three.
NED
Curse! Sixty-two deserters. Oh if we only had some more idiots to make
up the number.
ECCLES (approaches, singing)
Twenty tiny fingers - twenty tiny toes - and I've got 'em all.
NED
You! From the right - number!
ECCLES
One!
NED
Form fours!
FX: Squad forms fours
NED
Let's see them do that on television! Now, Bluebottle, take this stick
of dynamite.
BLUEBOTTLE
No, I don't like this game.
NED
Shut up!
ECCLES
Shut up!
NED
Shut up, Eccles!
ECCLES
Shut up, Eccles!
NED
Now - if you see Fumanchu come up that road, light the fuse, count
scramson and throw it under his car. Understand?
ECCLES
No.
NED
Good! Farewell.
FX: Whoosh
BLUEBOTTLE
Eccles!
ECCLES
Yup?
BLUEBOTTLE
_You're_ going to light the nice stick of dynamite, aren't you?
ECCLES
Yeah, yeah.
BLUEBOTTLE
How many have you got to count up to before it explodes?
ECCLES
Um...oh...um...I dunno.
BLUEBOTTLE
Well, you'd better light it and count how long it takes. Then you'll
know, won't you?
ECCLES
Oh, yeah. I'll light it now.
BLUEBOTTLE
No, not yet. Wait till I get behind that tree.
FX: Whoosh
BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off)
All right!
FX: Match struck and fizzle continuing under --
ECCLES
Um...one...two...three...er...four...five...six...it's getting
difficult here...ah!...seven. Good job I went to High School.
BLUEBOTTLE (off)
What are you waiting for, Eccles?
ECCLES (shouting)
What comes after seven?
BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off)
What did you say? I can't hear you.
ECCLES (shouting)
I said, 'what comes after seven?' Come over here and tell me.
BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off)
No. You're not going to get me coming over there. You come over
here. Now then, what is it?
ECCLES
Well, I--
FX: Explosion
ECCLES
Ooooh! (Calls) Bluebottle!...Bluebottle! Oooooh...what's this custard
on the wall?
BLUEBOTTLE
Don't you touch me, you rotten swine. Scrape me off and take me home.
NED
Keep quiet, you two. I'm just about to knock at the Minnie Bannister
Home for Part 5 of the Fearful Fumanchu Story.
FX: Knocking on door
MINNIE (off)
Who's there?
NED
It's me.
MINNIE (off)
Henry, there's a man called 'Me' at the door.
CRUN (off)
Me? He'll have to prove it. (Raises voice) You, out there!
NED
Yes?
CRUN (off)
Prove you're me.
NED
All right. I'm Henry Crun.
CRUN (off)
That's me. Minnie, open the door and let me in.
MINNIE (off)
But you ARE in, Henry.
CRUN (off)
Well, you'll have to let me OUT.
MINNIE (off)
Why?
CRUN (off)
Because I'm out there waiting to come in.
MINNIE (off)
Oh, very well.
FX: door opens
NED
Ah, thank you.
FX: door closes
Pause
NED
Now then, Mr Crun, I want to warn you that--
FX: Knocking
CRUN
Who's that out there?
MINNIE (off)
It's me. You've locked me out.
CRUN
Nonsense. Me just came in. He's here now.
MINNIE (off)
No, no, it's me -- Minnie.
NED
Good heavens! Quick! That's the woman I'm here to protect. Open the
door.
CRUN
Very well. But I must let Minnie in first.
FX: door opens
MINNIE
Thank you, Henry.
CRUN
That's all right, Minnie. Now Min -- what were you--
FX: knocking
CRUN
Who's there?
NED (off)
It's me. She isn't here.
CRUN
Rubbish. She IS here, aren't you, Min?
MINNIE
Yes, I'm here, Henry.
NED (off)
Well, you're not out HERE.
MINNIE
Are you sure?
NED (off)
Yes. Come out and have a look.
FX: door opens
MINNIE
You're right. I'm not. Help! I'm lost! We'll all be murdered in our
beds! (Goes on having hysterics)
Music: (in distance) 'Valse Vanite' on sax
NED
Listen! That's Fred Fumanchu playing his dreaded oriental bamboo
saxophone and the swine is playing in a different key.
MORIARTY
Quick! We must fly. He's closing in from all directions.
FX: Door bursts open
BLOODNOK
Aiaough! Don't move, anyone! I've got you covered!
NED
Bloodnok! You treacherous renegade!
BLOODNOK
This is no time for compliments. Where's that last English saxophone?
Come on!
MINNIE
I won't do it.
BLOODNOK
Why! It's Minnie - Minnie Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light
Horse! Also the darling of his heavy one.
MINNIE
Oh, Dennis!
BLOODNOK
Darling, dance with me.
Music: fast 'Blue Danube'
BLOODNOK and MINNIE (both in ecstasy)
NED
Stop this, you crazy Sabrina and Michael Wilding!
Music: stops
BLOODNOK
Yes, I was forgetting my duty to friend Fumanchu. Where's that
saxophone? I intend to destry it with my explodable finger.
ECCLES
You'll do that over my dead body.
FX: Explosion
BLOODNOK
There, _that's_ settled!
NED
Bloodnok, you've killed the noble Eccles!
BLOODNOK
Well?
ECCLES
Yeah! Well done!
NED
Shut up, Eccles!
ECCLES
Shut up, Eccles!
BLOODNOK
Enough of these pleasantries. Where's that saxophone? Fumanchu
promised me ten pounds to destroy it.
NED
I'll give you fifteen to join us.
BLOODNOK
That swine Fumanchu can't buy _me_ with money!
NED
Oh, noble Englishman!
BLOODNOK
Never mind that. Where's the cash?
FX: cash register
BLOODNOK
And there's your receipt.
FX: door bursts open
FUMANCHU
Ah! Fiendish Brudnock, you have betlayed me. I point exprodable finger
at you. Take that!
FX: Explosion
NED
Gad! He's got Bloodnok.
FX: three quick explosions
FUMANCHU
There! Have destloyed evellybody except you, Misters Seagoon and
Glytpype-Thynne.
NED
No, no! Spare our lives and I'll give you the last metal saxophone to
destroy.
FUMANCHU
Oh boy! Now I will be champion bamboo saxophonist of Universe.
FX: typing
NED
As he spoke, I surreptitiously typed a short note to Grytpype-Thynne
and posted it.
THYNNE (opening letter)
Oh, listen, Neddie -- a letter from you. 'Dear Grytpype, while I
engage this bamboo saxophonist in mortal conversation, slip round
under his kimono and bore a few holes in his bamboo saxophone.'
FUMANCHU
No so loud - I can hear you.
THYNNE
I'm sorry. (Quietly) 'P.S. Don't let him hear you reading this letter
or it will mean certain death for both of us.'
FX: Two explosions
WALLACE
And, by George, he was right. Tickets are now on sale in the foyer for
tonight's recital by Fred Fumanchu, the world's _only_ bamboo
saxophonist. I thank you.
Music: 'Valse Vanite', fade under--
WALLACE
All complaints about the Goon Show should be addressed to 'Life with
the Lyons', Alexandra Palace, West Croydon. Good night.
FX: Explosion
FUMANCHU
Oh boy! I got him, too!
Orchestra: Signature tune
----------
I took this from "The Book of the Goons", so it may not be strictly
accurate: I've noticed a few deviations in actual broadcasts from what
is given in some other scripts in that book (like "The Great String
Robberies").
doc
--
Josh Hayes josh@cqs.washington.edu
Disc Golf Page: http://www.cqs.washington.edu/~josh/discgolf.html
Now, unlock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes,
and prepare for a period of simulated exhiliration