The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fumanchu

First broadcast on December 6, 1955

Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott


WALLACE

This is the BBC Home Service. Now here is a record.

Grams:

(Scratchy). Wallace (Pre-Recorded) Saying 'This is the BBC Home Service.'

WALLACE

We present the Eddie Calvert of the East, Fred Fumanchu and his Bamboo Saxophone.

PETER

But let us turn back the clock to the year 1895 the year of the Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace.

Orchestra:

Fanfare

FX:

(Fade In) Crowd

PATSY HAGEN

My lords, ladies and gentlemen - we come now to the concluding round of the world's international heavyweight saxophone contest - from the Orient, with his bamboo saxophone - Fred Fumanchu!

Grams:

Slight Clapping

FUMANCHU

I thank you.

PATSY HAGEN

And on my right, representing the Empire and wearing the kilt, a shamrock, four leeks and a thistle, with a turban made out of our glorious Union Jack - Major Dennis Bloodnok - an Englishman!

Grams:

Furore. Cheers

PATSY HAGEN

First we will give a fair hearing to Mr Fred Fumanchu.

FUMANCHU

I thank you. (Clears throat)

Orchestra:

'Valse Vanité' (Last 8 Bars)
  (Silence)

PATSY HAGEN

And now we will hear from the British contender - Major Bloodnok!

Grams:

Vast Cheers

BLOODNOK

Thank you. (Clears throat)

Orchestra:

One Note

PATSY HAGEN

The Winner!

Grams:

Vast Cheers. Crowd Singing 'There'll always be an England'

PATSY HAGEN

Quiet! Quiet please! Quiet! By the merest chance, it so happens that Major Bloodnok's name is already engraved on this magnificent silver cup.

Grams:

Swamp With Cheers

FUMANCHU

Stop - English people most dishonest! I make terrible revenge on white man.

Orchestra:

Dramatic Chords

WALLACE

'The Fearful Revenge of Fred Fumanchu - the disappointed oriental bamboo saxophonist.' Chapter One. A Blow Is Struck.

FX:

Thud

WALLACE

Oooh!

PETER

Chapter Two. Funeral Of An Announcer.

Grams:

Fast Funeral March (Fade)

HARRY

Chapter Three.

WALLACE

The scene is in Outer Mongolia where within a life-sized reproduction of the Kremlin, three sinister figures are stooping over a hellish brew in a magnificently-equipped laboratory.

Grams:

Bubbling

FUMANCHU

(raging) Oh boy! You see this liquid here? It will bling just retlibution on all white men for foul tlick prayed on me at Clystal Parrace Exposition. Anybody dlinking one dlop of this liquid will immediately explode anything he points at. Oh! Hot Diggoty! We have plenty fun.

HARRY

(Chinese) But how are we going to get fatal liquid dlunk by stupid white man?

FUMANCHU

Simple. Put in whiskey bottle and leave in Hyde Park.

WALLACE

Six months later

Orchestra:

Passage of Time

BLOODNOK

Ah! Here I am, six months later, in Hyde Park. And see! Someone has put a naughty bottle of whiskey by my ancestral home - i.e. the dustbin. Any questions? And aaah~ Unless I am much mistaken, I am about to open the bottle.

FX:

Bottle Pop

BLOODNOK

Thank you. (Gulps) Ah! That's better.

FX:

Slight Explosion

BLOODNOK

Manners!

FUMANCHU

Pardon me, please.

BLOODNOK

What do you want, you fiendish yellow devil carrying a bamboo saxophone? Are you one of those Boxer villains?

FUMANCHU

Pardon?

BLOODNOK

Have you never heard of the Boxer Rising?

FUMANCHU

Only after a count of ten.

BLOODNOK

I don't wish to know that.

FUMANCHU

Kind fliend, will do honolable favour, please?

BLOODNOK

What do you want me to do? How much? Anything for money. Here's the advertisement I put in the paper. See - 'Wanted - Money! No reasonable offer refused'.

FUMANCHU

Now, please. Here five shilling. Point finger at policeman over there.

BLOODNOK

Right.

Grams:

Explosion

BLOODNOK

Good heavens, I've exploded a constabule. I've never known a copper go so far. What does this mean?

FUMANCHU

It mean you will point at everything I tell you and poof!

BLOODNOK

I won't do it. You'll have to force me.

FUMANCHU

What with?

BLOODNOK

Money.

FUMANCHU

Very well. But you are my plisoner. Only I can remove your fatal power. Raise hands and ears above head, please, and follow me. (Goes off)

BLOODNOK

You've got me. (Aside) But don't worry, listeners, I will secretly type a help note and leave it with a life-like oil-portrait of this yellow fiend under-neath a convenient stone along with this recording of Max Geidray. There.

Max & Orchestra:

'Exactly Like You'

WALLACE

'The Dreadful Revenge of...' Er... urn... that fellow - you know, that chap with the explodable finger ... what's his name ... er ... I'll get it in a minute. Don't go away... (hums and haws).

PETER

(close to mike) I'd like to tell listeners now that Mr Greenslade is the only BBC announcer not so far approached by commercial television.

WALLACE

I've got it! 'Fred Fumanchu', Part Two.

NED

That night I was in my office at Scotland Yard listening to the commercial telly with the picture turned down.

GRAMS:

Ellington (distorted): We interrupt this advertisement to give police message. Scotland Yard anxious to contact man with explodable finger accompanied by sinister Chinaman who have already blown up 27,000 metal saxophones. Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0.

FX:

Click

NED

Sergeant!

THROAT

Yes?

NED

This is terrible! Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0, and that dreadful Chinese saxophone destroyer! My honour as Chief Commissioner depends upon his instant apprehension. By heavens! I'll offer a thousand pounds for -

MORIARTY

A thousand pounds for what?

THYNNE

Let me do the talking, Moriarty ... Our card.

NED

What's this? 'Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty -Eiffel Tower Specialists'? That's no good to me. I want men to track down a saxophone exploder.

THYNNE

Exactly. These Eiffel Towers are just a disguise. Moriarty, take off your Eiffel Tower. There you can see underneath he's wearing his anti-saxophone exploding set.

NED

The very men I want. Get Fred Fumanchu!

MORIARTY

What about the money - the money?

NED

I'll give you an advance. Here's an oil painting of a cheque for three hundred pounds.

THYNNE

Good. Moriarty, take this to the Royal Academy and cash it.

MORIARTY

Right.

FX:

Whoosh

THYNNE

Back to the case. Now then, Neddie, whom do you suspect?

NED

The Referee. He was obviously on Birmingham's side. Arsenal should have been three up by...

THYNNE

I know that. I mean the saxophone exploder.

NED

Ah, yes. Fred Fumanchu. He's trying to finish Britain as a saxophone-playing nation.

THYNNE

Gad! That goes pretty deep. Then we've got to stop him. Where is this fiend?

NED

I'm told he's in the vicinity.

THYNNE

Then we must wait till he comes out.

NED

But he'll recognize us in these uniforms of plain-clothes men.

THYNNE

Then we'll disguise ourselves. I know - you put on Moriarty's Eiffel Tower and I'll walk behind in mine.

NED

But wait! If Fumanchu sees two Eiffel Towers together he'll know one of them is a phoney.

THYNNE

Neddie, you have a sharp mind. Two Eiffel Towers must never be seen together. Take it off and we'll use my portable Nelson's column instead. You stand on top and I'll wheel you along.

NED

But won't that be rather conspicuous?

THYNNE

Certainly not, Neddie. I'll enclose the whole thing in a cardboard replica of Charing Cross Station.

NED

To think I doubted you! Have this water-colour of a cheque for £50.

THYNNE

Thank you. Moriarty!

FX:

Whoosh

MORIARTY

Yes, yes?

THYNNE

Take this to the Royal Institute of Water-Colour Painters and have it changed into woodcuts.

FX:

Whoosh

THYNNE

Now, Neddie, are you on top of the column? Right! Off we go!

FX:

Slight Traffic (Fade in under the following speech:)

WALLACE

And so, disguised as Charing Cross Station on wheels, they moved cautiously up the Strand until they were suddenly halted at the Adelphi by a familiar voice.

BLOODNOK

Roll up! Tonight for one night only! Jim Fumanchu, amazing oriental conjurer. No relation to Fred. Seats at the box office or, at a slight reduction, from me personally.

NED

(whispers) Look, Grytpype - Dennis Bloodnok, the confederate of Fumanchu! Jim must be Fred in disguise. No Chinaman could have a name like Jim.

MORIARTY

Neddie! We've got him! You cover the back and we'll cover the front.

THYNNE

And that's how he got away at the side.

FX:

Eight Chinese Gabbling Like Keystone Cops. Car Revved Up Fast and Away

NED

There he goes!

FX:

Two Shots

MORIARTY

I think you've wounded him. Yes! Look! Here's a trail of fresh noodles.

NED

After him! Quick! Into the squad car and hold tight.

FX:

Coconut Shells cr Slow Record of Horse & Cart

NED

Can't you go any faster?

MORIARTY

Of course.

FX:

Horse & Cart Effect Speeded Up To Fantastic Speed

NED

Stop!

FX:

Stops At Once

NED

We've reached a crossroads.

MORIARTY

Wait! The trail of noodles has stopped and continues with preserved ginger.

NED

We must hurry. He's reached his last course. Which road has he taken?

MORIARTY

The one to Dewsbury.

NED

Then we haven't a moment to lose. Giddap!

FX:

Horse & Cart Restarts and Speeds Up. Fade Down Under:

WALLACE

Dewsbury! That was the significant word. As Seagoon well knew, in Dewsbury resided the player-owner of the last remaining metal saxophone in England.

FX:

(Fade in) Bubbling Cauldron, Continuing Under and Mixed With:

Music:

Corny Hot Sax Solo: 'Yellow Rose of Texas'

FX:

Terrific Steam Jet

Music:

Out

MINNIE

(screams)

CRUN

Keep it still, Min. Hold that saxophone still.

MINNIE

But it's getting hot, Henry.

CRUN

I don't care, Min. How can I get this jet of green steam up it if you jiggle about?

MINNIE

Why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone?

CRUN

I keep telling you. That naughty saxophone exploder, Fred Fumanchu, is after your saxophone and this green steam will immunize it. Now - once again. One.. two.

Music:

Sax Solo: 'In the Mood'

FX:

Terrific Steam Jet as Before

Music:

Out

MINNIE

(screams)

CRUN

No, that's no good, Min. You were playing the wrong tune. It must be 'The Yellow Man from Texas'.

MINNIE

I'm sick of playing that one, buddy.

CRUN

Then play 'Riding on a Rainbow' and I'll put on this record of Mr Ray Ellington to accompany you.

The Ray Ellington Quartet:

'Riding on a Rainbow'

WALLACE

That was Ray Ellington of whom it has been said. Next, we present 'The Dreaded Revenge of Fred Fumanchu', Part 4. And I quote, 'Part 4'. The story up to now. By passing him twice, Seagoon managed to reach the Bannister residence ahead of the dreaded Fumanchu.

NED

Now to organise the defence. Who'll volunteer?

BLUEBOTTLE

I will, my capitain. Enter Balloonbottle, son of the regiment, with cardboard waterpistol and own water in empty lemonade bottle.

NED

Noble lad! Bluebottle - from the right - number!

BLUEBOTTLE

Sixty-three.

NED

Curse! Sixty-two deserters. Oh, if we only had some more idiots to make up the number.

ECCLES

(approaches, singing) Twenty tiny fingers - twenty tiny toes - and I've got 'em all.

NED

You! From the right number!

ECCLES

One!

NED

Form fours!

FX:

Squad Forms Fours

NED

Let's see them do that on television! Now, Bluebottle, take this stick of dynamite.

BLUEBOTTLE

No, I don't like this game.

NED

Shut up!

ECCLES

Shut up!

NED

Shut up, Eccles!

ECCLES

Shut up, Eccles!

NED

Now - if you see Fumanchu come up that road, light the fuse, count scramson and throw it under his car. Understand?

ECCLES

No.

NED

Good! Farewell.

FX:

Whoosh

BLUE BOTTLE

Eccles!

ECCLES

Yup?

BLUEBOTTLE

You're going to light the nice stick of dynamite, aren't you?

ECCLES

Yeah, yeah.

BLUEBOTTLE

How many have you got to count up to before it explodes?

ECCLES

Um. .. oh. .. um.. I dunno.

BLUEBOTTLE

Well, you'd bettcr light it and count how long it takes. Then you'll know, won't you?

ECCLES

Oh, yeah. I'll light it now.

BLUEBOTTLE

No, not yet. Wait till I get behind that tree.

FX:

Whoosh

BLUEBOTTLE

(shouting, off) All right!

FX:

Match Struck & Fizzle Continuing Under -

ECCLES

Urn.., one.. . two.., three... er.. . four... five six... it's getting difficult here... ah! seven. Good job I went to High School.

BLUEBOTTLE (off)

What are you waiting for, Eccies?

ECCLES

(shouting) What comes after seven?

BLUEBOTTLE

(shouting, off) What did you say? I can't hear you.

ECCLES

(shouting) I said, 'What cornes after seven?' Come over here and tell me.

BLUEBOTTLE

(shouting, off) No. You're not going to get me coming over there. You come over here. Now then, what is it?

ECCLES

Well, I ...

FX:

Explosion

 

 
(Pause)

ECCLES

Oooh! (Calls) Bluebottle! ... Bluebottle! Oooh what's this custard on the wall?

BLUEBOTTLE

Don't you touch me, you rotten swine. Scrape me off and take me home.

NED

Keep quiet, you two. I'm just about to knock at the Minnie Bannister Home for Part 5 of the Fearful Fumanchu Story.

FX:

Knocking On Door

MINNIE

(off) Who's there?

NED

It's me.

MINNIE

(off) Henry, there's a man called 'Me' at the door.

CRUN

(off) Me? He'll have to prove it. (Raises voice) You, out there!

NED

Yes?

CRUN

(off) Prove you're me.

NED

All right. I'm Henry Crun.

CRUN

(off) That's me. Minnie, open the door and let me in.

MINNIE

But you are in, Henry.

CRUN

(off) Well, you'll have to let me out.

MINNIE

(off) Why?

CRUN

(off) Because I'm out there waiting to come in.

MINNIE

(off) Oh, very well.

FX:

Door Opens

NED

Ah, thank you.

FX:

Door Closes
  (Pause)

NED

Now then, Mr Crun, I want to warn you that -

FX:

Knocking

CRUN

Who's that out there?

MINNIE

(off) It's me. You've locked me out.

CRUN

Nonsense. Me just came in. He's here now.

MINNIE

(off) No, no, it's me - Minnie.

NED

Good heavens! Quick! That's the woman I'm here to protect. Open the door.

CRUN

Very well. But I must let Minnie in first.

FX:

Door Opens

MINNIE

Thank you, Henry.

CRUN

That's all right, Minnie. Now Min - what were you -

FX:

Knocking

CRUN

Who's there?

NED

(off) It's me. She isn't here.

CRUN

Rubbish. She is here, aren't you, Min?

MINNIE

Yes, I'm here, Henry.

NED

(off) Well, you're not out here.

MINNIE

Are you sure?

NED

(off) Yes. Come out and have a look.

FX:

Door Opens

MINNIE

You're right. I'm not. Help! I'm lost! We'll all be murdered in our beds. (Goes on having hysterics)

Music:

(In Distance) "Valse Vanité" on Sax

NED

Listen! That's Fred Fumanchu playing his dreaded oriental bamboo saxophone and the swine is playing in a different key.

MORIARTY

Quick! We must fly. He's closing in from all directions.

FX:

Door Bursts Open

BLOODNOK

Aiaough! Don't move, anyone! I've got you covered!

NED

Bloodnok! You treacherous renegade!

BLOODNOK

This is no time for compliments. Where's that last English saxophone? Come on!

MINNIE

I won't do it.

BLOODNOK

Why! It's Minnie - Minnie Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light Horse! Also the darling of his heavy one.

MINNIE

Oh, Dennis!

BLOODNOK

Darling, dance with me.

Music:

Fast 'Blue Danube'

BLOODNOK & MINNIE

(both in ecstasy)

NED

Stop this, you crazy Sabrina and Michael Wilding!

Music:

Stops

BLOODNOK

Yes, I was forgetting my duty to friend Fumanchu. Where's the saxophone? I intend to destroy it with my explodable finger.

ECCLES

You'll do that over my dead body.

FX:

Explosion

BLOODNOK

That's that settled!

NED

Bloodnok, you've killed the noble Eccles!

BLOODNOK

Well?

ECCLES

Yeah! Well done!

NED

Shut up, Eccles!

ECCLES

Shut up, Eccles.

BLOODNOK

Enough of these pleasantries. Where's that saxophone? Fumanchu promised me £10 to destroy It.

NED

I'll give you fifteen to join us.

BLOODNOK

That swine Fumanchu can't buy me with money.

NED

Oh, noble Englishman!

BLOODNOK

Never mind that. Where's the cash?

FX:

Cash Register

BLOODNOK

And there's your receipt.

FX:

Door Bursts Open

FUMANCHU

Ah! Fiendish Brudnock, you have betlayed me. I point exprodable finger at you. Take that!

FX:

Explosion

NED

Gad! He's got Bloodnok

FX:

Three Quick Explosions in Succession

FUMANCHU

There! Have destloyed evellybody except you, Misters Seagoon and Glytpype-Thynne.

NED

No, not Spare our lives and I'll give you the last metal saxophone to destroy.

FUMANCHU

Oh boy! Now I will be champion bamboo saxophonist of Universe.

FX:

Typing

NED

As he spoke, I surreptitiously typed a short note to Grytpype-Thynne and posted it.

THYNNE

(opening letter) Oh, listen, Neddie - a letter from you. 'Dear Grytpype, while I engage this bamboo saxophonist in mortal conversation, slip round under his kimono and bore a few holes in his bamboo saxophone.'

FUMANCHU

No so loud - I can hear you.

THYNNE

I'm sorry. (Quietly) 'P.S. Don't let him hear you reading this letter or it will mean certain death for both of us.'

FX:

Two Explosions

WALLACE

(quickly) And, by George, he was right. Tickets are now on sale in the foyer for tonight's recital by Fred Fumanchu, the world's only bamboo saxophonist. I thank you.

Music:

'Valse Vanité' - (fade Under)

WALLACE

All complaints about the Goon Show should be addressed to 'Life with the Lyons', Alexandra Palace, West Croydon. Goodnight.

FX:

Explosion

FUMANCHU

Oh boy! I got him, too.

Orchestra:

Signature Tune