First broadcast on December 6, 1955
Script by Spike Milligan
Produced by Peter Eton
Announced by Wallace Greenslade
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott
WALLACE |
This is the BBC Home Service. Now here is a record. |
Grams: |
(Scratchy). Wallace (Pre-Recorded) Saying 'This is the BBC Home Service.' |
WALLACE |
We present the Eddie Calvert of the East, Fred Fumanchu and his Bamboo Saxophone. |
PETER |
But let us turn back the clock to the year 1895 the year of the Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace. |
Orchestra: |
Fanfare |
FX: |
(Fade In) Crowd |
PATSY HAGEN |
My lords, ladies and gentlemen - we come now to the concluding round of the world's international heavyweight saxophone contest - from the Orient, with his bamboo saxophone - Fred Fumanchu! |
Grams: |
Slight Clapping |
FUMANCHU |
I thank you. |
PATSY HAGEN |
And on my right, representing the Empire and wearing the kilt, a shamrock, four leeks and a thistle, with a turban made out of our glorious Union Jack - Major Dennis Bloodnok - an Englishman! |
Grams: |
Furore. Cheers |
PATSY HAGEN |
First we will give a fair hearing to Mr Fred Fumanchu. |
FUMANCHU |
I thank you. (Clears throat) |
Orchestra: |
'Valse Vanité' (Last 8 Bars) |
(Silence) | |
PATSY HAGEN |
And now we will hear from the British contender - Major Bloodnok! |
Grams: |
Vast Cheers |
BLOODNOK |
Thank you. (Clears throat) |
Orchestra: |
One Note |
PATSY HAGEN |
The Winner! |
Grams: |
Vast Cheers. Crowd Singing 'There'll always be an England' |
PATSY HAGEN |
Quiet! Quiet please! Quiet! By the merest chance, it so happens that Major Bloodnok's name is already engraved on this magnificent silver cup. |
Grams: |
Swamp With Cheers |
FUMANCHU |
Stop - English people most dishonest! I make terrible revenge on white man. |
Orchestra: |
Dramatic Chords |
WALLACE |
'The Fearful Revenge of Fred Fumanchu - the disappointed oriental bamboo saxophonist.' Chapter One. A Blow Is Struck. |
FX: |
Thud |
WALLACE |
Oooh! |
PETER |
Chapter Two. Funeral Of An Announcer. |
Grams: |
Fast Funeral March (Fade) |
HARRY |
Chapter Three. |
WALLACE |
The scene is in Outer Mongolia where within a life-sized reproduction of the Kremlin, three sinister figures are stooping over a hellish brew in a magnificently-equipped laboratory. |
Grams: |
Bubbling |
FUMANCHU |
(raging) Oh boy! You see this liquid here? It will bling just retlibution on all white men for foul tlick prayed on me at Clystal Parrace Exposition. Anybody dlinking one dlop of this liquid will immediately explode anything he points at. Oh! Hot Diggoty! We have plenty fun. |
HARRY |
(Chinese) But how are we going to get fatal liquid dlunk by stupid white man? |
FUMANCHU |
Simple. Put in whiskey bottle and leave in Hyde Park. |
WALLACE |
Six months later |
Orchestra: |
Passage of Time |
BLOODNOK |
Ah! Here I am, six months later, in Hyde Park. And see! Someone has put a naughty bottle of whiskey by my ancestral home - i.e. the dustbin. Any questions? And aaah~ Unless I am much mistaken, I am about to open the bottle. |
FX: |
Bottle Pop |
BLOODNOK |
Thank you. (Gulps) Ah! That's better. |
FX: |
Slight Explosion |
BLOODNOK |
Manners! |
FUMANCHU |
Pardon me, please. |
BLOODNOK |
What do you want, you fiendish yellow devil carrying a bamboo saxophone? Are you one of those Boxer villains? |
FUMANCHU |
Pardon? |
BLOODNOK |
Have you never heard of the Boxer Rising? |
FUMANCHU |
Only after a count of ten. |
BLOODNOK |
I don't wish to know that. |
FUMANCHU |
Kind fliend, will do honolable favour, please? |
BLOODNOK |
What do you want me to do? How much? Anything for money. Here's the advertisement I put in the paper. See - 'Wanted - Money! No reasonable offer refused'. |
FUMANCHU |
Now, please. Here five shilling. Point finger at policeman over there. |
BLOODNOK |
Right. |
Grams: |
Explosion |
BLOODNOK |
Good heavens, I've exploded a constabule. I've never known a copper go so far. What does this mean? |
FUMANCHU |
It mean you will point at everything I tell you and poof! |
BLOODNOK |
I won't do it. You'll have to force me. |
FUMANCHU |
What with? |
BLOODNOK |
Money. |
FUMANCHU |
Very well. But you are my plisoner. Only I can remove your fatal power. Raise hands and ears above head, please, and follow me. (Goes off) |
BLOODNOK |
You've got me. (Aside) But don't worry, listeners, I will secretly type a help note and leave it with a life-like oil-portrait of this yellow fiend under-neath a convenient stone along with this recording of Max Geidray. There. |
Max & Orchestra: |
'Exactly Like You' |
WALLACE |
'The Dreadful Revenge of...' Er... urn... that fellow - you know, that chap with the explodable finger ... what's his name ... er ... I'll get it in a minute. Don't go away... (hums and haws). |
PETER |
(close to mike) I'd like to tell listeners now that Mr Greenslade is the only BBC announcer not so far approached by commercial television. |
WALLACE |
I've got it! 'Fred Fumanchu', Part Two. |
NED |
That night I was in my office at Scotland Yard listening to the commercial telly with the picture turned down. |
GRAMS: |
Ellington (distorted): We interrupt this advertisement to give police message. Scotland Yard anxious to contact man with explodable finger accompanied by sinister Chinaman who have already blown up 27,000 metal saxophones. Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0. |
FX: |
Click |
NED |
Sergeant! |
THROAT |
Yes? |
NED |
This is terrible! Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0, and that dreadful Chinese saxophone destroyer! My honour as Chief Commissioner depends upon his instant apprehension. By heavens! I'll offer a thousand pounds for - |
MORIARTY |
A thousand pounds for what? |
THYNNE |
Let me do the talking, Moriarty ... Our card. |
NED |
What's this? 'Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty -Eiffel Tower Specialists'? That's no good to me. I want men to track down a saxophone exploder. |
THYNNE |
Exactly. These Eiffel Towers are just a disguise. Moriarty, take off your Eiffel Tower. There you can see underneath he's wearing his anti-saxophone exploding set. |
NED |
The very men I want. Get Fred Fumanchu! |
MORIARTY |
What about the money - the money? |
NED |
I'll give you an advance. Here's an oil painting of a cheque for three hundred pounds. |
THYNNE |
Good. Moriarty, take this to the Royal Academy and cash it. |
MORIARTY |
Right. |
FX: |
Whoosh |
THYNNE |
Back to the case. Now then, Neddie, whom do you suspect? |
NED |
The Referee. He was obviously on Birmingham's side. Arsenal should have been three up by... |
THYNNE |
I know that. I mean the saxophone exploder. |
NED |
Ah, yes. Fred Fumanchu. He's trying to finish Britain as a saxophone-playing nation. |
THYNNE |
Gad! That goes pretty deep. Then we've got to stop him. Where is this fiend? |
NED |
I'm told he's in the vicinity. |
THYNNE |
Then we must wait till he comes out. |
NED |
But he'll recognize us in these uniforms of plain-clothes men. |
THYNNE |
Then we'll disguise ourselves. I know - you put on Moriarty's Eiffel Tower and I'll walk behind in mine. |
NED |
But wait! If Fumanchu sees two Eiffel Towers together he'll know one of them is a phoney. |
THYNNE |
Neddie, you have a sharp mind. Two Eiffel Towers must never be seen together. Take it off and we'll use my portable Nelson's column instead. You stand on top and I'll wheel you along. |
NED |
But won't that be rather conspicuous? |
THYNNE |
Certainly not, Neddie. I'll enclose the whole thing in a cardboard replica of Charing Cross Station. |
NED |
To think I doubted you! Have this water-colour of a cheque for £50. |
THYNNE |
Thank you. Moriarty! |
FX: |
Whoosh |
MORIARTY |
Yes, yes? |
THYNNE |
Take this to the Royal Institute of Water-Colour Painters and have it changed into woodcuts. |
FX: |
Whoosh |
THYNNE |
Now, Neddie, are you on top of the column? Right! Off we go! |
FX: |
Slight Traffic (Fade in under the following speech:) |
WALLACE |
And so, disguised as Charing Cross Station on wheels, they moved cautiously up the Strand until they were suddenly halted at the Adelphi by a familiar voice. |
BLOODNOK |
Roll up! Tonight for one night only! Jim Fumanchu, amazing oriental conjurer. No relation to Fred. Seats at the box office or, at a slight reduction, from me personally. |
NED |
(whispers) Look, Grytpype - Dennis Bloodnok, the confederate of Fumanchu! Jim must be Fred in disguise. No Chinaman could have a name like Jim. |
MORIARTY |
Neddie! We've got him! You cover the back and we'll cover the front. |
THYNNE |
And that's how he got away at the side. |
FX: |
Eight Chinese Gabbling Like Keystone Cops. Car Revved Up Fast and Away |
NED |
There he goes! |
FX: |
Two Shots |
MORIARTY |
I think you've wounded him. Yes! Look! Here's a trail of fresh noodles. |
NED |
After him! Quick! Into the squad car and hold tight. |
FX: |
Coconut Shells cr Slow Record of Horse & Cart |
NED |
Can't you go any faster? |
MORIARTY |
Of course. |
FX: |
Horse & Cart Effect Speeded Up To Fantastic Speed |
NED |
Stop! |
FX: |
Stops At Once |
NED |
We've reached a crossroads. |
MORIARTY |
Wait! The trail of noodles has stopped and continues with preserved ginger. |
NED |
We must hurry. He's reached his last course. Which road has he taken? |
MORIARTY |
The one to Dewsbury. |
NED |
Then we haven't a moment to lose. Giddap! |
FX: |
Horse & Cart Restarts and Speeds Up. Fade Down Under: |
WALLACE |
Dewsbury! That was the significant word. As Seagoon well knew, in Dewsbury resided the player-owner of the last remaining metal saxophone in England. |
FX: |
(Fade in) Bubbling Cauldron, Continuing Under and Mixed With: |
Music: |
Corny Hot Sax Solo: 'Yellow Rose of Texas' |
FX: |
Terrific Steam Jet |
Music: |
Out |
MINNIE |
(screams) |
CRUN |
Keep it still, Min. Hold that saxophone still. |
MINNIE |
But it's getting hot, Henry. |
CRUN |
I don't care, Min. How can I get this jet of green steam up it if you jiggle about? |
MINNIE |
Why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone? |
CRUN |
I keep telling you. That naughty saxophone exploder, Fred Fumanchu, is after your saxophone and this green steam will immunize it. Now - once again. One.. two. |
Music: |
Sax Solo: 'In the Mood' |
FX: |
Terrific Steam Jet as Before |
Music: |
Out |
MINNIE |
(screams) |
CRUN |
No, that's no good, Min. You were playing the wrong tune. It must be 'The Yellow Man from Texas'. |
MINNIE |
I'm sick of playing that one, buddy. |
CRUN |
Then play 'Riding on a Rainbow' and I'll put on this record of Mr Ray Ellington to accompany you. |
The Ray Ellington Quartet: |
'Riding on a Rainbow' |
WALLACE |
That was Ray Ellington of whom it has been said. Next, we present 'The Dreaded Revenge of Fred Fumanchu', Part 4. And I quote, 'Part 4'. The story up to now. By passing him twice, Seagoon managed to reach the Bannister residence ahead of the dreaded Fumanchu. |
NED |
Now to organise the defence. Who'll volunteer? |
BLUEBOTTLE |
I will, my capitain. Enter Balloonbottle, son of the regiment, with cardboard waterpistol and own water in empty lemonade bottle. |
NED |
Noble lad! Bluebottle - from the right - number! |
BLUEBOTTLE |
Sixty-three. |
NED |
Curse! Sixty-two deserters. Oh, if we only had some more idiots to make up the number. |
ECCLES |
(approaches, singing) Twenty tiny fingers - twenty tiny toes - and I've got 'em all. |
NED |
You! From the right number! |
ECCLES |
One! |
NED |
Form fours! |
FX: |
Squad Forms Fours |
NED |
Let's see them do that on television! Now, Bluebottle, take this stick of dynamite. |
BLUEBOTTLE |
No, I don't like this game. |
NED |
Shut up! |
ECCLES |
Shut up! |
NED |
Shut up, Eccles! |
ECCLES |
Shut up, Eccles! |
NED |
Now - if you see Fumanchu come up that road, light the fuse, count scramson and throw it under his car. Understand? |
ECCLES |
No. |
NED |
Good! Farewell. |
FX: |
Whoosh |
BLUE BOTTLE |
Eccles! |
ECCLES |
Yup? |
BLUEBOTTLE |
You're going to light the nice stick of dynamite, aren't you? |
ECCLES |
Yeah, yeah. |
BLUEBOTTLE |
How many have you got to count up to before it explodes? |
ECCLES |
Um. .. oh. .. um.. I dunno. |
BLUEBOTTLE |
Well, you'd bettcr light it and count how long it takes. Then you'll know, won't you? |
ECCLES |
Oh, yeah. I'll light it now. |
BLUEBOTTLE |
No, not yet. Wait till I get behind that tree. |
FX: |
Whoosh |
BLUEBOTTLE |
(shouting, off) All right! |
FX: |
Match Struck & Fizzle Continuing Under - |
ECCLES |
Urn.., one.. . two.., three... er.. . four... five six... it's getting difficult here... ah! seven. Good job I went to High School. |
BLUEBOTTLE (off) |
What are you waiting for, Eccies? |
ECCLES |
(shouting) What comes after seven? |
BLUEBOTTLE |
(shouting, off) What did you say? I can't hear you. |
ECCLES |
(shouting) I said, 'What cornes after seven?' Come over here and tell me. |
BLUEBOTTLE |
(shouting, off) No. You're not going to get me coming over there. You come over here. Now then, what is it? |
ECCLES |
Well, I ... |
FX: |
Explosion |
|
(Pause) |
ECCLES |
Oooh! (Calls) Bluebottle! ... Bluebottle! Oooh what's this custard on the wall? |
BLUEBOTTLE |
Don't you touch me, you rotten swine. Scrape me off and take me home. |
NED |
Keep quiet, you two. I'm just about to knock at the Minnie Bannister Home for Part 5 of the Fearful Fumanchu Story. |
FX: |
Knocking On Door |
MINNIE |
(off) Who's there? |
NED |
It's me. |
MINNIE |
(off) Henry, there's a man called 'Me' at the door. |
CRUN |
(off) Me? He'll have to prove it. (Raises voice) You, out there! |
NED |
Yes? |
CRUN |
(off) Prove you're me. |
NED |
All right. I'm Henry Crun. |
CRUN |
(off) That's me. Minnie, open the door and let me in. |
MINNIE |
But you are in, Henry. |
CRUN |
(off) Well, you'll have to let me out. |
MINNIE |
(off) Why? |
CRUN |
(off) Because I'm out there waiting to come in. |
MINNIE |
(off) Oh, very well. |
FX: |
Door Opens |
NED |
Ah, thank you. |
FX: |
Door Closes |
(Pause) | |
NED |
Now then, Mr Crun, I want to warn you that - |
FX: |
Knocking |
CRUN |
Who's that out there? |
MINNIE |
(off) It's me. You've locked me out. |
CRUN |
Nonsense. Me just came in. He's here now. |
MINNIE |
(off) No, no, it's me - Minnie. |
NED |
Good heavens! Quick! That's the woman I'm here to protect. Open the door. |
CRUN |
Very well. But I must let Minnie in first. |
FX: |
Door Opens |
MINNIE |
Thank you, Henry. |
CRUN |
That's all right, Minnie. Now Min - what were you - |
FX: |
Knocking |
CRUN |
Who's there? |
NED |
(off) It's me. She isn't here. |
CRUN |
Rubbish. She is here, aren't you, Min? |
MINNIE |
Yes, I'm here, Henry. |
NED |
(off) Well, you're not out here. |
MINNIE |
Are you sure? |
NED |
(off) Yes. Come out and have a look. |
FX: |
Door Opens |
MINNIE |
You're right. I'm not. Help! I'm lost! We'll all be murdered in our beds. (Goes on having hysterics) |
Music: |
(In Distance) "Valse Vanité" on Sax |
NED |
Listen! That's Fred Fumanchu playing his dreaded oriental bamboo saxophone and the swine is playing in a different key. |
MORIARTY |
Quick! We must fly. He's closing in from all directions. |
FX: |
Door Bursts Open |
BLOODNOK |
Aiaough! Don't move, anyone! I've got you covered! |
NED |
Bloodnok! You treacherous renegade! |
BLOODNOK |
This is no time for compliments. Where's that last English saxophone? Come on! |
MINNIE |
I won't do it. |
BLOODNOK |
Why! It's Minnie - Minnie Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light Horse! Also the darling of his heavy one. |
MINNIE |
Oh, Dennis! |
BLOODNOK |
Darling, dance with me. |
Music: |
Fast 'Blue Danube' |
BLOODNOK & MINNIE |
(both in ecstasy) |
NED |
Stop this, you crazy Sabrina and Michael Wilding! |
Music: |
Stops |
BLOODNOK |
Yes, I was forgetting my duty to friend Fumanchu. Where's the saxophone? I intend to destroy it with my explodable finger. |
ECCLES |
You'll do that over my dead body. |
FX: |
Explosion |
BLOODNOK |
That's that settled! |
NED |
Bloodnok, you've killed the noble Eccles! |
BLOODNOK |
Well? |
ECCLES |
Yeah! Well done! |
NED |
Shut up, Eccles! |
ECCLES |
Shut up, Eccles. |
BLOODNOK |
Enough of these pleasantries. Where's that saxophone? Fumanchu promised me £10 to destroy It. |
NED |
I'll give you fifteen to join us. |
BLOODNOK |
That swine Fumanchu can't buy me with money. |
NED |
Oh, noble Englishman! |
BLOODNOK |
Never mind that. Where's the cash? |
FX: |
Cash Register |
BLOODNOK |
And there's your receipt. |
FX: |
Door Bursts Open |
FUMANCHU |
Ah! Fiendish Brudnock, you have betlayed me. I point exprodable finger at you. Take that! |
FX: |
Explosion |
NED |
Gad! He's got Bloodnok |
FX: |
Three Quick Explosions in Succession |
FUMANCHU |
There! Have destloyed evellybody except you, Misters Seagoon and Glytpype-Thynne. |
NED |
No, not Spare our lives and I'll give you the last metal saxophone to destroy. |
FUMANCHU |
Oh boy! Now I will be champion bamboo saxophonist of Universe. |
FX: |
Typing |
NED |
As he spoke, I surreptitiously typed a short note to Grytpype-Thynne and posted it. |
THYNNE |
(opening letter) Oh, listen, Neddie - a letter from you. 'Dear Grytpype, while I engage this bamboo saxophonist in mortal conversation, slip round under his kimono and bore a few holes in his bamboo saxophone.' |
FUMANCHU |
No so loud - I can hear you. |
THYNNE |
I'm sorry. (Quietly) 'P.S. Don't let him hear you reading this letter or it will mean certain death for both of us.' |
FX: |
Two Explosions |
WALLACE |
(quickly) And, by George, he was right. Tickets are now on sale in the foyer for tonight's recital by Fred Fumanchu, the world's only bamboo saxophonist. I thank you. |
Music: |
'Valse Vanité' - (fade Under) |
WALLACE |
All complaints about the Goon Show should be addressed to 'Life with the Lyons', Alexandra Palace, West Croydon. Goodnight. |
FX: |
Explosion |
FUMANCHU |
Oh boy! I got him, too. |
Orchestra: |
Signature Tune |