Mine is the un remastered version, which is something like this: The Goon Show The Jet Propelled Guided NAAFI First broadcast: January 1956 Script by: Spike Milligan Produced by: Peter Eaton Announced by: Wallace Greenslade Orchestra conducted by: Wally Stott Transcribed by: Gareth Hayes ___________________________________________________________________________ Greenslade: This is the BBC FX: (A coin rattles in a metal cup) Greenslade: Thank you. Seacombe: Greenslade! Abandon these financial irregularities, hand over that copper coin of the realm, and read this extract from a recent issue of "The Telegraph". Greenslade: Yes sir. In building a new residence for the high commissioner in Colombo. The British Government was "taken for a ride" by the contractors. A witness at an inquiry said a semicircular settee cost £420. Seacombe: Which naturally brings us to the highly esteemed Goon Show! Scene 1: We continue with the enquiry. FX: (A gavel bangs on a table) Henry Crun: That's all very well, but why a semicircular settee? Greenslade: Because sir it was for the use of a semicircular vice consul. Henry Crun: Oh. Minnie Bannister (muffled): What about muffiges? Henry Crun: Has the minister of Works anything to say? What about the ministry of works, what, where is he? Eccles: Well I chose all that furniture myself, I chose it, I chose all that furniture myself. Henry Crun: What is all this about? What are we all here for? Minnie Bannister: What about the drains in Hackney? Henry Crun: What about the drains in East Finchley? Minnie Bannister: Never mind them in Finchley. I live in Hackney and the drains pong! Seacombe (in background): What about the Welsh reactionaries! Minnie Bannister: Oh shut up Mr Beddows! Greenslade: Please (he is interrupted by) Minnie Bannister: Shut up you big steaming nit! (various cries of "shut up" are exchanged) Greenslade: Please! gentlemen Minnie Bannister: I'm not a gentlemen! Greenslade: You said it. Gentlemen this is an inquiry into the cost of a Government building in Colombo. Henry Crun: Who authorised this? Greenslade: Oh Mr Eccles here Eccles: Yeah! I chose all the furniture myself. Henry Crun: Mr Eccles why did a 7 and sixpenny window seat cost £246. Eccles: Erm... I resign! You speak to my secretary. You can't talk to a Government minister like that. I won't be out of work long, you see! I'll get that ministry of fisheries job, you watch! I've kept goldfish! Greenslade: Mr Eccles we are not for one moment doubting your sincerity, it's just your intelligence that's in question. Eccles: Well I accept your apology. Henry Crun: How dare you interrupt me when I wasn't saying anything. Eccles: I resign! (various cries of "shut up!" are heard until) Eccles: Shut up! (he pauses) Shut up Eccles! (More cries of "Shut up") Seagoon: One moment please. Minnie Bannister: Shut up! You steaming nit you! Seagoon: Needle noddle noo! Now as a strolling Prime Minister of no fixed address. I must protest at this gross mis spending of public funds. This building was supposed to cost £25,000 in fact it cost £59,000! Major Bloodknock: We mustn't stand for this! Seagoon: We're not going to, We're not going to indeed Minnie Bannister (in background): Bravo, bravo. Seagoon: To teach those concerned with this disgusting waste a severe lesson. I've ordered the building burned to the ground and a new building put up at the proper price! FX: (applause, a choir sings "For he's a jolly good fellow") Seagoon: Thank you lads, thank you. You'll get your O.B.E's as you go out. Greenslade: That afternoon, the strolling Prime Minister was summoned urgently from The Windmill to attend of all things, a vital cabinet meeting FX: (a door rattles, and is opened) Seagoon: Good afternoon gentlemen! I'm sorry I'm late, Sabrina wasn't on until after the interval. American Game Show Host (Peter Sellers): Glad you got here. Now Mr Prime Minster first question. What is the liquid that most inspires the British soldier whilst on active duty? Seagoon: Tea. American Game Show Host: Tea is correct! A big hand for the lucky winner! FX: (very loud applause) American Game Show Host: Now, do you want to double your salary? Good! Question Number 2: What is the organisation that supplies tea to the troops? Seagoon: The NAAFI! American Game Show Host: Right again! (applause) Now I'm just going to pour this bucket of custard over your head to prove that Prime Minister's are funny! FX: (even louder applause) Seagoon: Thank you! 1st Government minister (Spike Milligan): Ho Ho He Ho! Now sir, we want you to peruse these vital secret plans. Seagoon: I'll read them tonight in bed. 1st Government minister: What! Seagoon: And now gentlemen I want you to peruse these plans. 1st Government minister: (uncertain noise) What are they sir? Seagoon: The new secret tunnel between the House Of Lords and the Follies Bergers 1st Government minister: But sir I thought we were cutting down on this sinful national expenditure? Seagoon: Of course we are! We haven't built any light houses in The Strand this year, and besides we've cut the tunnel estimates down to the barest essentials. 2nd Government minister (Peter Sellers): (totally unintelligible) Seagoon: Yes! and only plain silver chandeliers. Eccles: I resign! Seagoon: Why? Eccles: I dunno. Seagoon: Well shut up! Eccles: Shut up! Seagoon: Please! Let's not start that again. Minnie Bannister (in background): What about the drains in Hackney? Seagoon: Gentlemen! Now don't forget economy is the watchword. Greenslade: That night in bed Britain's strolling Prime Minister unrolled the secret document. FX: (a piece of paper is unrolled) Griytpype-Thynne: Ah good evening sir. May I help you? Seagoon: Ah Sir Grytpype my trusted Butler! Confident, best friend, help me unroll this top secret document which nobody must unroll. Grytpype-Thynne: Of course sir. First do let me take a holiday snapshot of you. Seagoon: By all means, by all means. I'll just slip on my bathing costume, there! Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid, now a little smile sir, good. Look just hold the plans right up in front or your face, there! Thank you very much sir. Seagoon: Thank you! Now Grytpype read these plans to me, no wait! No one must see these plans. Grytpype-Thynne: Of course sir. Seagoon: Put on your dark glasses and look the other way as you read them. Grytpype-Thynne: Certainly sir. Anything for the old country. Seagoon: Good! And to make doubly sure I won't listen. Now what are these plans? Grytpype-Thynne: Now let me see (he reads the plans to himself). Good heavens sir! It's a plan of a new guided NAAFI! A self contained missile, capable of carrying 82 staff, 10 NAAFI pianos, 60,000 gallons of tea, and twelve tons of buttered crumpet, being shot 6,000 miles up and set fully operative on point of impact in 16 seconds. It sounds quite impossible. Seagoon: You think so? Give me that phone. FX (a phone is picked up) Seagoon: Hello? Tell the NAAFI launching site at Rockall to launch the prototype guided NAAFI to Malaya and report on arrival. FX: (a phone is put down) Seagoon: I'll show you old faithful servant. FX: (a phone rings) Seagoon: Yes? NAAFI manager (Spike Milligan): NAAFI manager Kuala Lumpa 'ere. The old teas ready now sir. FX: (a phone is put down) Seagoon: There you are! Shot to Malaya and set up in 7 seconds! Grytpype-Thynne: Gad what a fiendish weapon! With this Britain is unbeatable! Seagoon: Yes what a pity we can't build more, economy you know. After all the country can't afford tunnels to the Follies Bergers and guided NAAFI's can we eh! (he laughs) Quick! Hide these plans, here's Max Geldray. Max Geldray and orchestra: (musical interlude) FX: (Seacombe is snoring and occasionally blows a raspberry during the first part of the following segment) Grytpype-Thynne: Ah! Our little strolling Prime Minister of no fixed address is asleep. Moriarty: Pssst! Gripytpype-Thynne: Who's that? Moriarty: Psst! Grytpype-Thynne: How do you spell it? (Seacombe blows a raspberry, audience laughter) It's Moriarty, where are you? Moriarty: Over here! In the piano! Grytpype-Thynne: What the devil are you doing in there? Moriarty: I'm hidin'! Gripytpype-Thynne: Don't be silly, Hayden's been dead for years! Moriarty: Silence! I don't wish to know that! Grytpype-Thynne: Neither do I. Moriarty: I say look here, now help me out. I'm disguised as one of the piano strings. Grytpype-Thynne: Which string are you? Moriarty: I think I'm a "G" string! Grytpype-Thynne: So that's why I can't see you? Moriarty: Now then, I'm not sure which string I am. So you better play a scale! Grytpype-Thynne: Do FX: (the "do" key of a piano is played) Moriarty: No. Grytpype-Thynne: Ray. FX: (the "ray" key of a piano is played) Moriarty: No. Grytpype-Thynne: Me. FX: (the "me" key of a piano is played) Moriarty: Me! That's me! Now help me out! FX: (Moriarty struggles out of the piano) Moriarty: Thank you. Grytpype-Thynne: Good heavens Moriarty! You're two feet taller than you used to be! How did that happen? Moriarty: Some swine sent in a piano tuner! Grytpipe-Thynne: Well, you always were musical. Moriarty: Boing! (in the background Seacombe giggles) Grytpye-Thynne: Now then Moriarty. I want you to photograph this photograph of the guided NAAFI plans, record them on tape, swallow them, raise your right leg and flee the country. Moriarty: Farewell! Grytpype-Thynne: Farewell! FX: (whoosh! soon followed by someone opening a door) Seagoon: What's going on down here? Grytpye-Thynne: Nothing sir, nothing at all. Seagoon: That's funny Grytpype! I thought I heard the sound of a man photographing the photograph of the secret plans, recording them on tape, swallowing them, raising his right leg and fleeing the country. Grytpype-Thynne: Quite impossible! We were whispering sir. Seagoon: I'm sorry, I must have been mistaken, now answer that phone. Grytpype-Thynne: What phone? FX: (a phone rings) Seagoon: That one. (audience laughter) Give it to me! Hello? NAAFI manager: This is the manager of the guided NAAFI in Kuala Lumpa sir. Do you want this tea we brewed up, or shall we throw it all away? Seagoon: Certainly not! I'll not tolerate waste! How much tea is there? NAAFI manager: 10,000 cups. Seagoon: Right! Keep it on the boil. I'll attend to it. FX: (he puts the phone down) Seagoon: Grytpype we're going to Malaya Grytpype-Thynne: What? Seagoon: Prepare air liners to carry 10,000 troops. Tell them we're going to Malaya for tea! Grytype-Thynne: That will mean tropical kit sir? Seagoon: Tropical kit? I love that woman! (audience laughter) Ah you mean uniform, well have them issued at once. Grytype-Thynne: Well you will have your little joke sir. Seagoon: Yes needle noddle noo! No expense must be spared to see that this tea is not wasted. Our watchword is still economy. FX: (many men marching, at one point a sergeant major crying out "eye's right" can be heard) Seagoon: Ah what a magnificent economical sight! 1,200 planes, 10,000 men, all pledged to avert tea wastage. Well goodbye Grytpype! Grytype-Thynne: Just a moment sir, it's ten to twelve. Seagoon: Well? Grytpype-Thynne: Time for your O.B.E sir. Say "Ah". Seagoon: (he swallows) That's better. Well goodbye Grytpype. Grytpype-Thynne: Goodbye Charlie. Seagoon: My name's not Charlie, it's Neddy! Grytype-Thynne: I know, but somehow I always think of you as Charlie. Seagoon: Thank you. Farewell friend! FX (a phone rings) Moriarty: Hello, Grytpype? Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, where are you? Moriarty: I'm hiding in the lining of your underpants. (audience laughter) Grytpype-Thynne: Fool! What are you doing there? Moriarty: I couldn't get out of the country with the plans. Grytpype-Thynne: Why not? Moriarty: The fares have gone up again! Grytppype-Thynne: Great heavens! Now wait a moment, we'll travel free Moriarty. Now quick crawl through this photograph of a hole, in the fuselage of this aeroplane. Moriarty: Right ho! FX: (Moriarty crawls through the photograph) Moriarty: Right! We're in! Grytpype-Thynne: Good. Moriarty: Now throw away that photograph of the hole before we fall out. FX ( the engine of an aeroplane starts, and the plane takes off) Greenslade: By dawn the mighty aerial fleet were approaching Ceylon. Seagoon: I've worked it all out here. Now the cost of firing the guided NAAFI to Malaya was a quarter of a million pounds, managers wages, eight pounds 10. Making a total of , making a total of erm. Ah! Chancellor Of The Exchequer just the man, now how much is a quarter of a million pounds plus eight pounds 10. Eccles: I resign! You can't talk to me like that! Seagoon: Shut up! Eccles: Shut up! Seagoon: Shut up! Here step outside this door! FX: (a door is opened) Seagoon: He always wanted to visit Ceylon. Tell the minister of aerial music to play for dancing for all ranks. Minnie Bannister: Huzzah! Ray Ellington quartet: (musical interlude: "She's A Three Handed Woman") Greenslade: That night the aerial armada landed, and the troops under Major Bloodknock bivouacked in the steaming jungle, a mere days march from the guided NAAFI. FX: (many men are snoring) Moriarty: Psst! Psst! Major Bloodknock? Bloodknock: Ooooh! Don't come in my tent yet please, just a moment. Goodnight darling, I'll see you later. Throat: Goodnight darling. Bloodknock: (to Throat) Yes out you go. (To Moriarty) Yes come in. Moriarty: Yes thank you! Major Bloodknock? Bloodknock: A civilian! How dare you enter my tent sir. Moriarty: That's the only way I could get in! Bloodknock: For all you know I might have had some ladies in here, get out! Moriarty: Be quiet! Or I'll tell them who sold those three cardboard tanks! Bloodknock: What! It's all lies! In any case, they never paid me! Is there no honesty? Do you know what happened to me last night? Moriarty: No. Bloodknock: Thank heaven for that! Now then, state you business sir. Moriarty: Now listen, tomorrow we reach the only Jet propelled guided NAAFI in the world. It must be destroyed! Bloodknock: What! Are you a spy? Moriartty: Yes! Bloodknock: Then why are you covered in mint? Moriarty: I'm a mint spy! (audience groans and laughter) Bloodknock: A Merry Christmas! Moriarty: They wish to know that! And Merry Christmas to you too. Now listen, would you be willing to sabotage this secret guided NAAFI? Bloodknock: I'll have you know that I'm a patriotic English gentlemen sir! Moriarty: And what does that mean? Bloodknock: It means I'll only do it for money! Moriarty: Very well! Here is a carbon copy of an imitation £100 note. Bloodknock: Wait a moment! How do I know this carbon copy isn't a forgery? Moriarty: How? Look here! Here is a life size oil painting of me robbing the bank with it. Bloodkbock: But it shows you clean shaven? Moriarty: I was wearing an invisible beard! Bloodknock: Great malleable lumps of steaming thung! Moriarty: I apologise. Bloodknock: You Chinese think of everything! Moriarty: But I'm not Chinese! Bloodknock: Then you must have forgotten something! You should be more careful. Give me the money. FX: ( a cash register) Bloodknock: Thank you! Now what do I do? Moriarty: Now listen all has been arranged. Hand this parcel of explosive sausages to the guided NAAFI manager. Bloodknock: Right! Gad there he goes to join Grytpype-Thynne in an attempt to reach Moscow with the photograph of the plans, see page 4 of the script. Any questions? Good, Part 5: Arrival at the NAAFI. FX: (reveille is played very badly) Seagoon: Men, we're here to drink NAAFI tea, FX: (whoosh! clunk!) Seagoon: Oooooooh! Who threw that? Bluebottle: I did Captain. (audience cheers) Seagoon: Who are you? You little tea stained crumpet ridden idiot. Bluebottle: I am a little tea stained crumpet ridden idiot (Thinks: I am a little tea stained crumpet ridden idiot). Seagoon: Great larrups of dongle! He thinks he's a little tea stained crumpet ridden idiot! Bluebottle: Yes! Seagoon: Don't shout so loud! You'll wake up the minister for defence against surprise air attacks! Eccles: I'm awake and I resign! Seagoon: Good! And as your out of work you can fill a vacancy that's just occurred. Eccles: What? Seagoon: We need a minister for defence against surprise air attacks. Eccles: Fine, fine, fine. O.K Bluebottle, address the men! Bluebottle: Yes! Eccles: Yes! (member of audience also cries out "yes!) Bluebottle: Sergent men of England. You have been brought-ed here to drink all this lovely, thick, brown, luke warm, NAAFI tea. Drink and be merry I say! FX: (a large gathering of men moan and grumble) Bluebottle: Thank you for your encouraging words. Everybody inside! I like this game, being the wonderboil NAAFI manager. (Thinks: this is what a nice clean life leads to, why did I ever leave one?) Eccles: Hello my good man. Bluebottle: Oh, hello Lord Eccles. Eccles: Hello Lord Eccles. Bluebottle: Are you the ministres of food? Eccles: Yeah, oh look! Here I got a parcel of naughty sausages for you. Bluebottle: Ooooh! Eccles: Major Bloodknock gave them to me just before he deserted. Bluebottle: Oh I love sausinges! A feast! We will have a feast of lovely little sausinges. We'll put them into the refrigermerrators and go into the frying pan. Come on Eccles. Eccles: O.K. FX: ( one door opens and closes and is rapidly followed by another) Grytpype-Thynne: Keep going Moriarty, we can't be far now. Moriarty: Yes! According to my calculations we're only 100 yards from the Soviet border. Grytpype-Thynne: There's a sign, what does it say? Moriarty: Let me see. Eggs and chips 12 and 9. Beans on toast 10 shillings. Grytpype-Thynne: You big steaming nit you! You've led us back to this dashed guided NAAFI! Moriarty: Safristi yakadoo and needle noddle noo! It's that confounded compass! It's the last time I buy those cheap Christmas crackers! Grytpype-Thynne: Ssh! Someone's coming. Quick! Into the fridge! Moriarty: Into the fridge quick! FX: (a door opens and closes) Moriarty: Now we're in here we'll change clothes and come out disguised as each other! Grytpype-Thynne: Brilliant! You'll get a Russian O.B.E for this. Moriarty: Safristi! Wait! The plans, they mustn't find these plans! Grytpype-Thynne: Quick wrap them round these naughty sausages. Moriarty: Right! And now we'll imitate the sound of 8 ounces of dripping. Grytpype-Thynne: Good! FX: ( a piece of paper is wrapped around something, a short time later another door opens and closes) Bluebottle: Ah! here are the naughty sausinges. Well I will just drop them into this nice boiling hot frying fat. FX; (something sizzles, then there is a large explosion) Bluebottle: So that's why they call them bangers! Seagoon: Where did those sausages come from? Bluebottle: The rotten minister of food! Eccles: I resign! Grytpype-Thynne: Hands up all of you! Seagoon: Don't be a fool Grytpype! Drop that cucumber! Grytpype-Thynne: What! And leave myself cucumber less in the salad season? Not likely! Moriarty we've lost all the plans in the explosion. Moriarty: Never mind I still have something up my sleeves. Grytpype-Thynne: What? Moriarty: My arms! Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid! We'll use that. Moriarty: Right! Grytpypr-Thynne: Go to the launching control. Moriarty: Yes! Grytpype-Thynne: Point this guided NAAFI to Moscow, and off we go! Moriarty: Fire! FX: (a very large explosion) Greenslade: And that is how 15 seconds later under Sir Neddy Seagoon's great economy drive. The lucky natives of Aldershot, were delighted to find a fully operating £3m NAAFI in their midst. Grytpype-Thynne: Aldershot? How have we come to Aldershot? Moriarty: That's the last time I buy a box of those cheap Christmas crackers! Grytpype-Thynne: You steaming nit you! Orchestra: (theme tune up and under, fading for) Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a B.B.C recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Seacombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eaton.