Excuse me... [giggles] Excuse me, what is the price of sliced
ham, per portion?
Greenslade:
I really couldn't say.
Sellers:
Blast!
Greenslade:
Err, yes, well now, had you been alive, at 3am on the 3rd of Autumn, and
switched on your wireless, you would have heard... this:
FX:
[silence]
Greenslade:
It wasn't much of a program, was it? If you had tuned in at nine o'clock,
you would have heard:
FX:
[beep, beep, beep, clump, peep, peep, honk]
Sellers:
Good morning, here is the news. We regret to announce, that the Burami
Oasis situation has deteriorated. The British garrison is under constant
attack from Sheik Rattle And Roll. Sheik Rattle And Roll you will recall
was sent down from Maudlin College, Oxford, for attacking the British
garrison there. Service Chief's have called up the following classes:
Upper, Middle and Lower. They will report to their nearest, at their
earliest.
Seagoon:
Yes, dear listeners, that same morning...
FX:
["It's a long way to Tipperary" slowly being sped up]
Seagoon:
I received my papers. I read the sports page and reported for duty. Hup!
FX:
[fanfare, wobble, door opens]
Seagoon:
Neddie Seagoon, reporting for duty, sir!
Grytpype:
We'll never win. Ahem, erm. Name?
Seagoon:
Seagoon.
Grytpype:
Sex?
Seagoon:
Yes, please.
Grytpype:
With or without?
Seagoon:
With.
Grytpype:
I see. Now then Seagoon, what made you join the army?
Seagoon:
An armed escort and two military policemen.
Grytpype:
[writing] "Patriotic volunteer". Now what were you in civilian
life?
Seagoon:
I was an admiral in the Royal Navy.
Grytpype:
I say! You've left a well paid job.
Seagoon:
Yes! That's why I'm here! There must be some mistake!
Grytpype:
There must be. You an Admiral? By Jove, yes...
Seagoon:
What what what what what what what what what what what what what what
what what what what? How dare you insult a man wearing the Queen's open
neck shirt, flannelled trousers, flat cap, and boots? I've served on the
H.M.S. Thespas since my father died. You see the H.M.S. Thespas is a
family business, father put it in his wife's name.
Grytpype:
What was her name?
Seagoon:
H.M.S. Thespas
Grytpype:
What was her maiden name?
Seagoon:
The Yarmouth Belle.
Grytpype:
How she must have suffered.
Seagoon:
What what what what what what what what?
Grytpype:
Relax, Admiral..
Seagoon:
[over] bwark bwark bwark bwark. [chicken type noises]
Grytpype:
We know you're a Naval man, that's why we sent for you, you see the Army
is desperately short of sailors.
Seagoon:
I'm sorry to hear that. We had a terrible shortage of soldiers in the
Navy.
Grytpype:
Snap. Now Admiral, you don't mind my calling you by your first name?
Seagoon:
Touché. Fred Touché.
Grytpype:
Well, Admiral Fred, the garrison at Burami Oasis is under constant
siege.
Seagoon:
Aohoo?
Grytpype:
[suddenly over-dramatic] We're going to send a GUNBOAT!
FX:
[thunderous cheers, leading into "Land of Hope and Glory"]
Seagoon:
Yes, it was action at last. I'd called the Chiefs of Army, Navy, and
NAFFI, to hear my plan of attack.
Voices:
[mutter, rhubarb, rhubarb, etc]
Seagoon:
Gentlemen! I have here a statue of the situation at the Burami Oasis.
Milligan:
Thank you.
Seagoon:
The Arabs, as you can see, are attacking our garrison at night only.
Milligan:
Arroow. Does this mean that our troops are fighting in their pajamas?
Seagoon:
I fear so.
Sellers:
Gad! It must be hell out there!
Seagoon:
Any questions?
Sellers:
Yes. Can't we arrange for the Arabs to attack in the daytime?
Seagoon:
No. They charge twice as much to attack in the day. After sundown, it's
only two and six a battle.
Greenslade:
Sir, er, would it not be worth the extra costs? So that our men could be
spared the indignity, of fighting in their night attire?
Sellers:
Yes.
Milligan:
Yes, right.
Seagoon:
Gentleman. I have overcome that difficulty, with a cunning move. Heh heh
heh heh. Our troops now wear battle dress at night, and pajamas in the daytime.
Omnes:
Bravo. [mutters of agreement]
Seagoon:
Any more questions?
Milligan:
Yes, could you tell me the price of sliced ham, per portion?
Seagoon:
No.
Milligan:
Blast.
Seagoon:
So then gentlemen, intelligence tells us the reasons for these attacks
are, the Burami garrison is to play football next month.
Omnes:
Oh! What a devilish plan! [agreement]
Seagoon:
There's more to come Jim! The attack, the idea of the attack, the idea
of the attack is to tire our men, so as to guarantee an Arab football
victory.
Omnes:
Shame! Devilish plan!
Seagoon:
Fear not!
Omnes:
Devilish plan [etc]
Seagoon:
Fear not! Tonight, the Navy is on the march! Quickly MARCH! Left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left
right left right left right left right left right left right left right
left right left right left right left right left right left right left
right. Left.
Sellers:
That night the H.M.S. Thespas, forty-two thousand tons, was broken up
into four inch squares and packed into crates cunningly marked, "Date
fertilizer, this way up".
Moriarty:
Sapristi reeking Apollo holliday! Did you hear that Grytpype? They're
sending a battleship to the Burami Oasis. Ooooooooo, powah, powah!
Pooowaaaoooo oooooaaaooowww.
Grytpype:
Stop sweating, Moriarty, you steaming French nit!
Moriarty:
Aaaa!!?!
Grytpype:
The oasis is only ten feet long, they'll never get a battleship in it!
Moriarty:
They could stand it up on one end!
Grytpype:
The British don't operate that way.
Moriarty:
Nonsense! I've seen them walking to work like that. [garbled]
Grytpype:
Have you really? Well then I shall have to speak to our agent in Burami
Oasis immediately. [shouting] Hello, Burami Oasis?
Ellington:
[off] Helloooooo, mate!
Grytpype:
Shhush! Don't raise your voice, you might be overlooked! Where are you
standing?
Ellington:
[off] Oooon my feet!
Grytpype:
Are they disguised?
Ellington:
[off] Yes!
Grytpype:
Splendid! On no account let them use a telephone.
Ellington:
Yall toola hoola dingle.
Grytpype:
Because, you fool, another foot is tapping it!
Ellington:
Oooh, me warn you! If Arab football team no beat British garrison team,
you get no more money. Goodbye!
Grytpype:
I didn't like the sound of it, Moriarty. We must get to Burami Oasis at
once. Now hand me that boat, and unwrap Max Geldray.
Geldray:
Oh, hello boy...
Max Geldray and Orchestra
[musical Interlude]
FX:
[fanfare]
Greenslade:
Over now to the beleaguered garrison at Burami.
FX:
[beleaguered fighting noises]
Abdul (Milligan):
Argh, Major, Major Bloodnok! The Arabs are attacking for the first time
in this series! Arsenal three, Tottenham one. Hooray.
Bloodnok:
What? Arrrrrioioooaaoowww. Ooooiiiiaaaaooooww. Oooh! That's better! Oh,
oohohoho. I, I can't understand, Arabs attacking in the daytime? They'll,
they'll never learn the tango this way. Oh dear!
Seagoon:
Sir, sir, there's an Arab riding down on us on a flaming stallion!
Bloodnok:
Watch your language!
Seagoon:
English sir, what's yours?
Bloodnok:
The same! Interpreter, you can go home.
Throat:
Right mate!
Seagoon:
There's the flaming Arab.
Bloodnok:
Mind your language! There may be sensitive Scott's Guardsmen present!
Flowerdew:
S'all right, I don't mind really, honestly, it's quite all right.
Bloodnok:
Sellers! How dare you change your voice from mine into his for one joke
only! Now I shall show thee who's master of this oasis! Abdul, hand me
my...
FX:
[knock knock knock knock knock knock knock]
Bloodnok:
It's a lie. It's a lie! We're just good friends I tell you! Get out the
back way dear! Ohh! Mind the thunderbox will you? Oohhh!
FX:
[n-n-knock knock knock knock knock knock knock]
Ellington:
[off] Open up, cor blimey, or I smash my fist down!
Bloodnok:
Oooohhh! It's Sheik Rattle and Roll! Ohh, Abdul, hand me my blacking up
coward's disguise kit will you?
FX:
[knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock]
Bloodnok:
Ooohh! Just a moment Mr. Roll, erm, my wife isn't dressed yet.
Ellington:
[off] How long she going to be?
Bloodnok:
I'll, em, I'll, em, write to her in London and find out. Where's my pen?
FX:
[typewriter sounds]
Bloodnok:
[over] "Dear Volumnia, I am writing to find out how long you
will take before..."
FX:
[door being broken down]
Ellington:
Yimbamboola!
Bloodnok:
Wait a moment! Nadger me standing load, you're not Sheik Rattle and Roll!
You look like Ray Ellington!
Ellington:
I am! Me forced to take extra parts. Need money. Married recently.
Bloodnok:
I understand! I understand, oohh ho ho hoho, ohho hoho! Me married
myself! Ohh hohoho!
Ellington:
Me done better! Me married my girl. More fun!
Bloodnok:
Ooohhhh hohohoh! You naughty imbalatoola, you!
FX:
[telephone rings]
Bloodnok:
Ooooohhaahoho! Ohh, oh, what what what? Er, hello?
Greenslade:
[other end of phone] The Nasty Affair at the Burami
Oasis, part four.
Bloodnok:
Right, reverse the charge please. Now, erm, Sheik, state your business.
Ellington:
You four week behind with rent.
Bloodnok:
What? Nonsense! Get out of my tent, or I'll call the manager!
Ellington:
You no bluff me! Look, your rent book. Three pound ten owing.
Bloodnok:
What? I can get an oasis down the road for half that! Look.
Ellington:
What?
Bloodnok:
[reading] "To let, self contained oasis, third floor, share
harem. Twelve and six. Suit cowardly British garrison". There you are!
Ellington:
Me don't wish to know that.
Bloodnok:
What?
Ellington:
Me want my back rent. Me behind in installments, on sun lamp.
Bloodnok:
What? You steaming son of the sands. I know! Abdul! hand me my British
military-type saxophone now!
FX:
[saxophone playing jazzy version of "Land of Hope and Glory"]
Ellington:
Stop Bloodnok! Stop! You win! You got bigger bore saxophone than me, and
dum dum music. But, I reek revenge, soon! Gidup!
FX:
[a chicken galloping off to the distance]
Bloodnok:
He's not so well off, riding his dinner!
FX:
[fanfare]
Seagoon:
Yes, immediately on arrival at the oasis, we began to open the crates,
having first disguised ourselves as chickens.
FX:
[knock knock scrape bwark bwark bwark!]
Seagoon:
You can't be too careful, pardon me, woaaa bwark bwark bwark bwark bwark
bwark bwaaaark bwark bwark bwark bwaaaaark bwark bwark bwark
Flowerdew:
Pardon me sir, I think somebody's overacting.
Seagoon:
Why?
Flowerdew:
We've just found an egg.
Seagoon:
What what what what what what what what what what bwark bwark bwark bwark
bwark-bwark? Then there's an impostor amongst us! I'll find him. Men!
Assume your own voices and from the left, number!
Soldier One (Milligan):
One
Soldier Two (Greenslade):
Two
Soldier Three:
Three
Soldier Four (Greenslade):
Four
Soldier Five (Milligan):
Five
Soldier Six:
Bwark!
Seagoon:
That's him! March that chicken away!
Soldier Six:
Bwark, bwark bwark bwark bwark!
FX:
[fanfare]
Greenslade:
That night, by the light of the Araby-type moon, they began to assemble
the giant battleship, prior to launching it in the oasis. A master
technician was in charge.
FX:
[clink clink, clink clink, clink]
Eccles:
[over clinking][singing] Wooaaa, foot and mouth with
me... By the dustbins of Rome... [speaks] It's ok
folks, I ain't the master technician. Ahahahaha!
Bluebottle:
Nooo! I am the master technician!
Eccles:
Wait a minute, 'Bottle... How long have you been a master
tung-a-tunk-nikon?
Bluebottle:
I'm not going to tell you, Eccles.
Eccles:
O-k Bot-tle. Ok, don't tell me. [exits, singing] By
the dustbins of Rome... [garbled, but it made the audience
laugh]
Bluebottle:
Don't leave me here in the dark! I tell you!
Eccles:
[off] I don't want to know!
Bluebottle:
[follows Eccles off] Come back! Eccles! Eccles! Come back!
[garbled, over audience]. Where are you?
Eccles:
[close again]I'm here.
Bluebottle:
[returning] Oohh! Eccles, I'm so glad you're here
[garbled].
Eccles:
Awwww...
Seagoon:
SILENCE!
Eccles:
...you got more applause than me...
Seagoon:
[angry gibbering]
Eccles:
...I don't like - he got more clapping than me...
Seagoon:
I, I, I don't wish to know that. Thank you. Now then men... Men!
Everyone:
[garbled arguments]
Eccles:
What? [raspberry] to you!
Seagoon:
MEN! We've got half an hour till dawn.
Bluebottle:
Thank you, Captain!
Seagoon:
Shut up, Bluebottle.
Eccles:
Shut up, Bluebottle.
Bluebottle:
Shut up, Eccles!
Eccles:
Shut up, Eccles.
All three:
Shut up, shut up!
Seagoon:
Please, now...
Eccles:
Shut up!
Seagoon:
We've got till dawn, to assss... to assemble the battleship and launch it
in the oasis. Ready? GO!
[off] Owww! Come on in, the sand's lovely and warm!
Seagoon:
Needle nardle noo, isotopes feroo, then it's true! Shipwrecked in an
oasis! Man the pumps, boots, and plimpsoles! Lower the lifeboats!
FX:
[people stampeding and screaming]
Seagoon:
Don't panic! I'm the captain of this shipwreck. Any panicking to be done,
I'll do it.
Sellers:
Pardon me, can you tell me the price of smoked ham, per small portion?
Seagoon:
Twenty seven and six.
Sellers:
Ohh.
FX:
[gunshot type bang]
Sellers:
Argh!
Minnie Bannister:
Ohhh min-ma-middle-doh. Maaoohh ohhh oooo ooeeooooo yiddledoh. Ummm paa,
what time do we get to Margate Pier, young man?
Seagoon:
What? A woman on board a British battleship? I must court marshall
myself. Admiral Seagoon?! Shun!
FX:
[people standing to attention]
Seagoon:
Admiral Seagoon? Yes, sir? You are charged with having a Minnie Bannister
on board your ship. Is that true? It's a lie! Case dismissed! Thank you!
Now we must recover that water from the Arabs to refloat this ship. FULL
SPEED AHEAD!
FX:
[anchor being raised, various shouting, ship's horn]
Greenslade:
Cynical listeners may question the possibility of sailing a battleship on
sand. Meantime, at the Arab fortress of Rasher el Bacon...
Grytpype:
Nice little fort you've got here, Sheik.
Ellington:
Yes, just a little thing my wife ran up.
Moriarty:
Excuse me, Grytpype, there's a battleship outside to see you.
Grytpype:
Anyone we know?
Moriarty:
I don't know sir, but he's wearing a turban.
Grytpype:
Then it's one of ours. Come in.
FX:
[door opening]
Seagoon:
Steady with the [garbled], turn it left, the other way round...
Eccles:
Ok, right.
Seagoon:
...get the guns facing him.
Eccles:
Right.
Seagoon:
Right! Pull the blanket off.
Eccles:
[pulling the blanket off] Uhh!
Seagoon:
Hands up.
Grytpype:
Damn! Trapped by a brilliant stratagem, and a common-or-garden forty-four
thousand ton battleship.
Seagoon:
Right, Colonel Thynne, you traitor! Hand over the water of the Burami
Oasis!
Grytpype:
Seagoon! Drop that battleship. One step nearer and my men win drink the
Burami Oasis!
Seagoon:
You wouldn't dare!
Grytpype:
No? Men! Uncork bottles!
FX:
[bottles being uncorked]
Grytpype:
There, Seagoon, they're ready to drink.
Seagoon:
Stalemate!
Moriarty:
Stale mate? It was fresh this morning mate!
Grytpype:
What?
Seagoon:
So we faced each other. The Arabs with the precious bottles Oasis water,
poised at their lips...
Eccles:
Aoohhhhh...
Seagoon:
...and we covering them with the sixteen inch guns of our battleships...
Eccles:
Aoohhhhhh...
Seagoon:
...I had to think of something.
Eccles:
Aaaooohhhhhhh...
FX:
[telephone rings]
Seagoon:
Hello?
Bloodnok:
[on phone] Bloodnok here.
Seagoon:
Bloodnok!
Bloodnok:
[on phone] Shush! Don't raise your voice, it might be seen. I
say, Seagoon... something terrible has happened, I've been robbed of twenty
thousand gallons of gin!
Seagoon:
Where was it?
Bloodnok:
[on phone] In the Burami Oasis!
Seagoon:
What?
Bloodnok:
[on phone] Yes! Years ago I drained all the water out and
filled it up with gin, on account of the shortage, you know.
Seagoon:
Thank you.
FX:
[phone being slammed down]
Seagoon:
Hah hah hah! Gin? They'll never win the football match now! Hahahaha!
Colonel Thynne! We're coming to get that water! Drink it if you dare.
Men, forward!
Grytpype:
All right, drink.
FX:
[bubbles (supposedly drinking sounds)]
Seagoon:
Yes dear listeners, without knowing it, the fools were drinking twenty
thousand gallons of neat gin.
FX:
[crowd noises]
Seagoon:
[over] Ha haha! Now for the football match.
FX:
[crowd noises]
Seagoon:
Sure enough that evening, the Arab football team staggered onto the
field, in no condition to play. Ha! The result of the match was a forgone
conclusion.
Greenslade:
British garrison, twelve; drunken Arabs, sixty-eight. Which, erm, just
goes to prove, that gin is a dashed good drink. Goodnight.
FX:
[closing music]
Greenslade:
[over] That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring
Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington
Quartet, and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan, and Larry Stevens. Announcer Wallace
Greenslade. The program produced by Peter Eaton.