Subject: Drums Along the Mersey (for Tony) Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2002 09:02:48 +0100 From: "John Koster" Organization: Planet Internet Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons Dear Tony, Thanks for your two recent scripts. I'm also working on a few myself. As I am not a native speaker, there may be some cases of "murdering the Queen's English." This is "Drums along the Mersey". There are a few things I could not hear right. They are indicated by [...] Can you help me with these? Feel free to post this script after editing. John Koster GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. [raspberry] So now we [bring?] thirty minutes of, including several and also one or two. And now the voice of... SECOMBE: [singing] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! GREENSLADE: That was the world's highest paid idiot: Mr. Seagoon, one of the world's leading, also one of the world's biggest. SECOMBE: Mr. Greenslade, deflate that pneumatic statue of Marilyn Monroe and read the inscription on the head of this pin. GREENSLADE: Ehm.., the... Goon... Show. SECOMBE: Well said, well said, Wal. Hurray for the Goon Show!, Hurray, hurray, hurray! GREENSLADE: Oh, stop that noise, you little greasy Welsh bubble. SECOMBE: What, what, what, what, what, what, what? Just for that, read this piece of paper. GREENSLADE: You are... fired?! SECOMBE: Yes, fired. And here's a week.. FX: Cash register. SECOMBE: ...in [...] GREENSLADE: Preposterous, absolutely preposterous. You know very well my weekly [luwob?] is always... FX: Cash register, strange spring sounds SECOMBE: Agreed! But first, kindly diagnose this week's portion of Milligan's head! MILLIGAN: What, what, what? SECOMBE: What, what, what, what? GREENSLADE: Right. Forceps. SECOMBE: Biceps, big nuts, hahaha. GREENSLADE: Just as I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting: Drums along the Mersey. FX: Drums. SEAGOON: My name is the honourable Nedwood Seagoon, undefended world champion of 1956, ensign of the noble House of Raughton. Any questions? Well? Right! Drums along the Mersey, part two. FX: Snoring. SEAGOON: As I lay on the floor of the bridal suite, I was aroused from my slumbers by a loud gesture. FX: Donkey sounds. SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok, the windows are closed! BLOODNOK, I know, it's hell in here, lad. I, can't sleep, just reading my bedding. Eh, look at this in the personal column. SEAGOON: Let me see. If Nedwood Seagoon, last heard of in a drunken stupor of the coast of Ireland, will contact Missis McHairy McLegs, Scotland, he will inherit a million pounds. A million pounds? I'm off! FX: Footsteps running away. BLOODNOK: No, no, no, wait! Neddie! A million pounds? Ohh..., oooohhh, oh! FX: Footsteps running away. FX: Snoring. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Did you hear all that, Moriarty? MORIARTY: OhooooOh, oohhho! What a pile of money, oh, the money, ohoh, a million pounds Ohhow, ow. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: One of our inmates is heir to a million pounds. MORIARTY: Oh, aaaw, a million pounds, oho money, oaahohohoho, ooh. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Right! Now get up, you steaming international opportunist! Oil yourself and pack the jam tins. We're leaving at once for the Scotlands! GRAMS: Bagpipe music, speeding up. GREENSLADE: Well, I am very happy to see you in the Scotland. BLOODNOK: Yes, yes. GREENSLADE: Ah, ah, yes. So you are Neddie Seagoon? BLOODNOK: Yes I am, yes. Now, what about the million pounds? I, eh, I don't want it all at once. Twelve shillings will see me alright for the week, I, I'm used to money, you know, I ehh... GREENSLADE: Well you'll have to wait till we read the will. BLOODNOK: Yes the will. Well read it, read it. You don't doubt that I am Neddie Seagoon do you? I don't care what the milkman says. I tell you I AM Neddie Seagoon. SCOT: Further the Mister Seagoon had send for ye. BLOODNOK: Ooh... FX: Body falling to the ground. GREENSLADE: He's fainted downwards. Send in the gentleman. FX: Door opening. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Ah, good morning. MORIARTY: Ah good morning, on time, man. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: We are Neddie Seagoon. GREENSLADE: Both of you? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Yes, both of us. You see, Neddie Seagoon was twins. GREENSLADE: He's bigger than I thought. FX: Door opening. SCOT: [...] know that mister Seagoon has send for you. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Run for it Moriarty! FX: Footsteps running away, followed by breaking glass. GREENSLADE: Next please. FX: Door opening. SEAGOON: Ah, thanks! I am Neddie Seagoon! GREENSLADE: Yes, but, eh, this gentleman faning a swoon on the floor said HE was Neddie Seagoon. BLOODNOK: It's a lie Neddie, it's a lie. SCOT: Oh, no, no. BLOODNOK: I was only saying I was Neddie Segoon till YOU got here. [?]: Yes. BLOODNOOK: You don't want your shoes cleaned do, you? Then I was going to let YOU say it. GREENSLADE: Well, now this, eh, this new gentleman fits the horrifying description given in these documents. SEAGOON: Ai! What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? GREENSLADE: All right, all right, all right, now if you'll put on these baggy bladder kilts, my partner mister McRed Hairy McLegs here will read Baron Seagoon's will. GRAMS: Bagpipes MCRED HAIRY MCLEGS: Scottish gibberish SEAGOON: The will, the will! MCRED HAIRY MCLEGS: Ai, ai. SEAGOON: Ai, arl. MCRED HAIRY MCLEGS: I, Baron Seagoon, being of partially sane mind, leave Neddie Seagoon one million puunds! SEAGOON: I'm rich! I could buy a wig! MCRED HAIRY MCLEGS: Ai. But yer not allowed to spend that million till yur hundredth birthday! SEAGOON: Aaaaahaaw! I can't spend it until I'm a hundred? BLOODNOK: Take it lad, we'll sell it. SEAGOON: Yes, yes, I'll sell it! Part three: an auction sale! FX: Murmurs SEAGOON: Gentlemen, the last item in our auction today is the valuable, attractive million pounds! What do I bid for one million pounds? [silence] What, what, what, what, what? It's worth twice that, it's not enough. Very well! We'll auction Max Geldray. MAX GELDRAY FX: Drums GREENSLADE: Drums along the Mersey, part three, the third. Oooh, Neddie Seagoon... MILLIGAN: Oohohohoho... GREENSLADE: ...with a million pounds which he could not auction and could not spend till his hundredth birthday. MILLIGAN: Well done Wal! ALL: [applause] SEAGOON: Then! A stroke of luck, I was called to the British Museum. HENRY CRUN: Ooaah, we send for you mister Seagoon. Oh, dear, dear, o, dear, dear. We've got a proposition to put to you buddy. [sings] Jim bob diddaly da, jim bop diddaly da, oh I love that Rocking Roll, buddy. Oh yes, I remember now, we like to hire your million pounds for our display of new exhibits. SEAGOON: Well I, ehm, uuuweee... HENRY CRUN: You'd be placed in a position of honour, buddy. Next to this ancient Peruvian calendar stone. SEAGOON: Calendar? HENRY CRUN: You heard of them of course. They're different from ours. For instance, Jim: where were you born? SEAGOON: 1921. HENRY CRUN: That's a nice place to be born. HENRY CRUN: If you were a Peruvian, you'd be a hundred years old now. SEAGOON: A hundred years old? Did you hear that, Bloodnok? The million is mine if I become a Peruvian! BLOODNOK: Quick! To Peruvia! FX: Car driving away at speed. Splash. SEAGOON: From there on we took a boat. Then: disaster! ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chord FX: Sea sounds, waves BLOODNOK: In, out, out, in, Oh, oh, cast adrift in an open boat, with only the sea to keep us... afloat. SEAGOON: You're the cause of this all this strife getting caught with the captain's wife. BLOODNOK: It's a lie, mister Fry, we were just good friends. SEAGOON: Good friends? It's a wonder both of you didn't catch a death of cold! BLOODNOK: I know, I know. I behaved like an absolute [bounter in a can?]. It's the only way you can enjoy yourself these days. MORIARTY (far off): Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy SEAGOON: Bloodnok, look, we're saved, saved! Look what's bearing down on us! BLOODNOK: Yes, to men in lifeboats. MORIARTY: Ahoy. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Helloooo, Neddie! SEAGOON: I seem to recognise that tone of face. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Neddie, we bring good tidings, may we come in? SEAGOON: Of course, but wipe your feet, I've just done the step. MORIARTY: Oooh! GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Neddie, we have, eh, just discovered, through the courtesy of Mr. Bentine, that you are a Peruvian! SEAGOON: What? But nana said I was born in South Wales! GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Of course! Didn't you know that Cardiff originally came from Peru on a raft? SEAGOON: This is wonderful, man. But how can I prove that all Welsh people come from Peru? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Really, it's quit simple. You sail from South America to Cardiff on this cardboard raft... SEAGOON: Ai. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: ...and the million pounds is yours to spend right away. Moriarty? MORIARTY: Oh, yes sir, yes. Yes indeed, little Welsh blubber. You try this Kon-Tiki type craft at once. FX: Splash. MORIARTY: There! SEAGOON: Gad! It fits the ocean perfectly. MORIARTY: I know, it was specially tailored for the Atlantic. Now, look at all those holes we've made. You can't get them like this these days. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: And all we're asking is three and six. SEAGOON: It's a deal! No! No, wait. [mad laughter] I haven't got any money. MORIARTY: Oh, wawwaw! What about the million pounds? SEAGOON: Well, I can't spend it. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: You can pawn it. SEAGOON: Where? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Moriarty, inflate the rubber pawn shop. FX: Pneumatic sounds. MORIARTY: Huh! Voila! Step inside, little Neddie. FX: Shop bell HENRY CRUN: Good morning, sir. Nice day for a pawn. SEAGOON: This million pounds, how much will you allow me on it? HENRY CRUN: English money, eh? Now, we don't usually lend money on antiques. SEAGOON: Antiques? These pounds are right up to date. Why, only the other day an American offered me a shilling for one of them. HENRY CRUN: Oh, that's different. If the Herns like them, I can let you have, ehm, seven shillings. SEAGOON: Here, Moriarty, seven shillings. The raft is mine! Cast off! FX: Seagoon rowing and singing "Maybe it's because I'm Peruvian, that I love England so" sped up. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: There he goes with his specially tempered map and compass. Bon voyage, little Welshman, goodbye. ORCHESTRA: Musical link FX: Sea sounds, waves GREENSLADE: On February, Seagoon's attempt to prove the Peruvians were Welsh, began. BLOODNOK: Yes, we left the coast of Peru, and using the Moriarty's special map and tempered compass carried the raft inland. FX: Sea sounds, birds SEAGOON: Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. BLOODNOK: Look here Seagoon, You carry it a while, I'll get up in the crow's nest. SEAGOON: I can't understand it. A hundred miles inland and no sign of Wales. BLOODNOK: Don't worry, Seagoon, I've got my big naval harpoon ready. SEAGOON: I'm not looking for wales the fish, I'm looking for Wales the land. Wait a minute! This compass. What's the time by your watch? BLOODNOK: East-nor-nor-east. SEAGOON: Just as I thought. This compass is slow. It says twenty past two. BLOODNOK: Great brown nutted nurglers! Those villains! They've switched the compass for the wristwatch. SEAGOON: Gad! And not being men of the sea, we don't know which is which! BLOODNOK: Well! Now here's a pretty kettle of fish! SEAGOON: So it is, and a damned silly place to leave it! BLOODNOK: Well, we can't stand here all day making these wonderful jokes. SEAGOON: You're right. Forward! FX: Splash. SEAGOON: Stop! Stop! I think we're near a river. BLOODNOK: Nonsense! No river could survive with me in it. I've been banned by the LCC Public Baths Anti-Pollution Committee. SEAGOON: I know. Let's get out of the water and see if our drawers cellular are wet. BLOODNOK: Right. FX: Splashes. SEAGOON: They are wet. So this is a river! BLOODNOK: What? Then I'll soon tell you its name. Give me that mug. FX: Splash, gulp BLOODNOK: It's the Amazon. SEAGOON: How do you know? BLOODNOK: It says so on the map, here. SEGOON: A river on the map? We can't leave it there. Help me get it back into the water. One, two, hup! FX: Splash BLOODNOK: Good shot, sir! Right between the banks! SEAGOON: How painful! Wait! What fools we are! BLOODNOK: What ? SEAGOON: How are we going to get the raft across? The river's full of water. BLOODNOK: Well, it's quite simple. Build a bridge and carry it across! How else? ELLINGTON: Jim, bom, ballaboo, Liberace too! BLOODNOK: I don't know who he is, but he's got the right idea! SEAGOON: It's a midget [trouble?] and his quartet, about to play his latest recording! Hop! RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET SEAGOON: Stop that anti-Seagoon applause. And you sir! How dare you sing in the middle of a steaming jungle without pressing a steaming dinner? ELLINGTON: Me tulla jakkabulla. BLOODNOK: Not in these trousers, you won't. ELLINGTON: Come, come white man. You follow me. Me keep missionary burning in the window for you. ORCHESTRA: Musical link. FX: Jungle sounds, birds SEAGOON: With the aid of a rough jungle beer I was carried inland. BLOODNOK: I had a rough jungle brandy and followed much later. SEAGOON: How much further, chief? ELLINGTON: Only two miles, or, with your legs: twenty. SEAGOON: Duck's disease: the curse of the Seagoons! BLOODNOK: Never mind, lad. You're still clearing the ground behind. I say though, it's a good job you haven't got the curse of the Bloodnoks. SEAGOON: Tell me, Dennis, what is the curse of the Bloodnoks? BLOODNOK: Me! You see I'm the black sheep of the family. ELLINGTON: Don't worry, me also black sheep of the family. BLOODNOK: Yes, I supp..., oh yes! Yes. SEAGOON: Stop! Look! BLOODNOK: What? SEAGOON: A native village. Then this must be "Drums along the Mersey", part three. [?]: That's it, yes. FX: Drums. SEAGOON: We were led to a rude wooden hut. BLOODNOK: Inside was a rude wooden bed. SEAGOON: On it lay a rude wooden man. BARON SEAGOON: And a rude wooden welcome to Peru, Neddie. SEAGOON: Good heavens, it's rude wooden Baron Seagoon. The man who left me a million pounds in his rude will. BLOODNOK: Then it is true: he is rudely dead! BARON SEAGOON: That was mere rude idle gossip. I just overslept one morning. Now, Neddie, hand over the million pounds, it's not yours till I die. SEAGOON: I, I, I, I, haven't got it. BARON SEAGOON: Quit stalling. I planned this plan to get MY million pounds out of England. SEAGOON: So this is all a trick. Well it's misfired. I was forced to pawn the money with Grytpype-Thynne. BARON SEAGOON: Him! But this was his idea. Erm double-crosser! Where is he? SEAGOON: In a pawn shop in the Atlantic. BARON SEAGOON: Then we've got him cornered! Show me the way and I'll give you half the million. SEAGOON: Which half? BARON SEAGOON: The other half. SEAGOON: Which half are you having? BARON SEAGOON: The other other half. SEAGOON: I say, you're cutting it fine, aren't you? BARON SEAGOON: Shut up! SEAGOON: Shut up! BARON SEAGOON: Shut up! SEAGOON: Oh, yes! [Series of shut ups] SEAGOON: We accept! Be we warn you, Baron, if you try anything funny, you won't get a laugh from us! BARON SEAGOON: Right! Give me the pawn ticket. Follow me! FX: Splash. SEAGOON: Into the Atlantic we plunged. I swam strongly, my duck's disease now being a boon. [?]: Chicken sound. BLOODNOK: We swam steadily for a week. Then another week, in that order. SEAGOON: I think, this is the spot. BARON SEAGOON: Are you sure? SEAGOON: Positive! I recognise the ocean. BARON SEAGOON: Well, the pawnshop's not here. SEAGOON: Perhaps it moved. BARON SEAGOON: Moved! What a cunning method of concealment. After them! FX: Horses galloping away. GREENSLADE: Weary of swimming, our heroes remounted and headed for the Savoy Hotel, Fred Street. MORIARTY: Oooh, lovely mullah. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Yes. MORIARTY: Oh, the power of money, that's got it again, buddy. GRYTEPYPE-THYNNE: Yes. MORIARTY: A million pounds, and all in money. Ooh, buddy, oohoho. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Oh, what luxioury, Moriarty. Let's face it; we've never had it so good. Moriarty, say something for me. MORIARTY: Diana Dors. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Aoooh! MORIARTY: With hinges! GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Oooh! MORIARTY: Hohoho! FX: Knocking GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Say "come in" for me Moriarty MORIARTY: Come in for me Moriarty. FX: Door opening. GREENSLADE: Gentlemen, I am ze manager. Is everyzing to your linking? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Everything, except your impression of a Frenchman. GREENSLADE: Merky, mon ami. Eh, was your breakfast satisfactory, this evening? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Fish had a bone in it. GREENSLADE: I'll have it dismissed at once. Garçon, you are fired! GARÇON: Aaah! FX: Splash. GREENSLADE: Eh, by the way sir, there are three gentlemen on horseback swimming up the stairs to see you. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Oh. Well lay out my horsehair bathing costume and rubber toga and ask them to come in. FX: Door opening. BARON SEAGOON: Hands up, all of you! SEAGOON: Wait a minute. MORIARTY: Ooh. SEAGOON: Wait a minute. We're on your side! BAROON SEAGOON: Not any more, Neddie. I want my million pounds. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: It's the Baron! What are you doing out of the jungle? You'll catch your death of cold. BARON SEAGOON: I want that million pounds and I want it fast. I'm going to sing the whole of act three from Tosca, and if you haven't handed it over by then, ...I shall sing act four! GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: You [...] devil incarnate. SEAGOON: But there isn't any act four in Tosca. BARON SEAGOON: Then you'll have less time than you think. [sings (from Tosca)] Ying tong iddle i poo la lee daa... GREENSLADE: Ah, gentlemen... BARON SEAGOON: YA LA LA DIIIIII! GREENSLADE: Gentlemen, please... BARON SEAGOON: YA LA LA DEEE! GREENSLADE: Oh, please, gentlemen, oh... BARON SEAGOON: [still singing] YING TONG IDDLE I POO! GREENSLADE: Gentlemen... BARON SEAGOON: Ground power! GREENSLADE: Oowaa, gentlemen, please..., please gentlemen... BARON SEAGOON: YING TONG IDDLE III... GREENSLADE: Ah, mais non c'est [...] Gentlemen..., gentlemen, gentlemen please, there is a charge of six pounds [singing stops], there is a charge for six pounds for singing and fighting in the royal suites. BARON SEAGOON: That's what I was afraid of. It's a pleasure, here. Ta. GREENSLADE: Wait, this money is a forgery! GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: What! Moriarty that six pounds came from the million, that means the whole lot is a forgery. MORIARTY: Oh, growl BARON SEAGOON: Come on, hand it over, but keep both hands raised in the air. Now, anybody got a ladder? No, well...? GREENSLADE: I, I, I'm going to call the police. Police? ECCLES: Hello my good man, what's going on? GREENSLADE: Are you a policeman? ECCLES: Yep, wanna know the time? GREENSLADE: Just a minute. ECCLES: That right! It's just a minute past. That's right. Ah, goodbye. Have a good time. How's your old dad? Everything's fine, [sings] Ah, my love... GREENSLADE: Just a moment, officer. That rhythm baron's in possession of forged money. ECCLES: I arrest you, I arrest you in the name of the lew! BARON SEAGOON: No, no, no, it's not mine. It belongs to Neddie. I left it him in my will. SEAGOON: Well, it's no mine until you're dead. BARON SEAGOON: Well, you'll soon have it! Goodbye! FX: Gunshot, body falling to ground. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: There now, it's all yours, Neddie. Officer, arrest that forger. SEAGOON: You can't arrest me; I'm a Peruvian, ha, ha, ha. ECCLES: A Peruvian forger. You'll get life for this Neddie. GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show. A recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine Dyall. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: Play out. GREENSLADE: Erm... yes. Well now, here is an announcement for listeners still wondering why this programme was called 'Drums Along the Mersey'. While the programme was being broadcast, there were in fact several drums beating along the Mersey. Those with their windows open may have heard them. BLUEBOTTLE: [...] MAX GELDRAY: Play out.