From: alan burton
Posted: Wed Oct 9th, 2002 12:01
On GSD Forum: Goon Show Chat - Serious Talk
=============
The Goon Show 
Drums along the Mersey 
Series 07 Edition 02 
Original Broadcast Date 11/10/56 
Show Details: [remastered by ted kendall] 

Featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Valentine Dyall 
Music by Max Geldray and The Ray Ellington Quartet 
Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott 
Script by Spike Milligan 
Announcer Wallace Greenslade 
Producer Peter Eton 

Cast: Harry Secombe:The Honorable Nedward Seagoon 
Spike Milligan:Moriarty, Eccles, Minnie Bannister, Red Hairy McLegs, Solicitor's assistant 
Peter Sellers: Grytpype-Thynne, Henry Crun, Bluebottle, Cyril [or Flowerdew] 
Wallace Greens lade: Announcer, French Hotel Manager, Solicitor at Messrs McHairy McLegs 
Valentine Dyall: Baron Seagoon 
Ray Ellington: Chief 

[Audience laughter] 
Wallace: This is the BBC Light Programme 
Neddie: [blows raspberry in background] "Say it again Wal" 
Wallace: "There will now be thirty minutes of including several and also one or two. And now the voice of" 
Neddie: [sings long high note] "aaaahhhhhhhhhh" 
Wallace: "That was the world's highest paid idiot Mr Seagoon, one of the World's leading, also one of the World's biggest" 
Neddie: "Mr Greenslade, deflate that pneumatic statue of Marylyn Monroe, and read the inscription on the head of this pin" 
Wallace: "Erm...The... Goon...Sh...Show" 
Neddie: "Well said, well said Wal, hooray for the Goon Show, hooray hooray hooray" 
Wallace: "Oh stop that noise you little greasy Welsh bubble" 
Neddie: "What what what what what what what what, just for that, read this piece of paper" 
Wallace: "You are...FIRED?" 
Neddie: "Yes, fired, and here's a weeks [Grams: cash register] in lieu of" 
Wallace: "Preposterous, absolutely preposterous, you know very well that my weekly in lieu of is always" [Grams: cash register, croak, pop, twang] 
Neddie: "Agreed, but first, kindly diagnose this week's portion of Spike Milligan's head" 
Eccles: [off] "What what what" 
Neddie: "What What What What What" 
Wallace: "Right...Forceps" 
Neddie: "Fiveceps, big nut" [Harry giggles] 
Wallace: "Ahem, just as I thought, Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Drums Along the Mersey" 
Grams: [tribal drums beating] 
Neddie: "My name is the Honourable Nedward Seagoon, undefended world champion nineteenth of sixth, and scion of the noble house of Rowton, any questions? no ? right. Drums Along the Mersey part two" 
Grams: [snoring, Spike belches] 
Neddie: "As I lay on the floor of the bridal suite, I was aroused from my slumbers by a loud gesture" 
Grams: [Fred the Oyster, first half] 
Neddie: "Major Bloodnock, the windows are closed" 
Major Bloodnock: "I know, it's hell in here lad, I...I can't sleep, just reading my bedding, er...look at this in the personal column" 
Neddie: "Let me see" 
FX: [newspaper rustles] 
Neddie: [reads from paper] "If Nedward Seagoon last heard of in a drunken stupor off the coast of Ireland, will contact Messrs McHairy McLegs Scotland, he will inherit a million pounds...a million pounds...I'm off" 
Grams: [running footsteps, fade into distance] 
Major Bloodnock: "No! No! No! Wait, Neddie...a million pounds, oh...ohhhhh" 
Grams: [running footsteps, fade into distance] 
Grams: [snoring] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Did you hear all that Moriarty?" 
Moriarty: "Owww...owww the power of money, owww the money, owww, a million pounds...ohh...owww" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "One of our inmates is heir to a million pounds" 
Moriarty: "Oh owww a million pounds oh oh, money...money [Spike giggles] ohh" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Right, now get up you steaming international opportunist, oil yourself, and pack the jam tins, we're leaving at once for the Scotland" 
Grams: [Bagpipe and Drum music, speeds up and fades out] 
Wallace: [solicitor]"Well, I'm very happy to see you in Scotland." 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes yes" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "ahh, ahh, Yes, so you are Neddie Seagoon?" 
Major Bloodnock: "Ah ah, yes I am, yes, now what about that million pounds? I erm... I don't want it all at once, twelve shilling will see me alright for the week, 
I'm used to money you know, I...er" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "Well, you'll have to wait till we read the will" 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes the will, well read it, read it, you don't doubt that I'm Neddie Seagoon do you? I don't care what the milkman says, I tell you I am Neddie Seagoon" 
FX: [door opens] 
Spike: [solicitor's assistant with Scots accent] Sir, there's a Mister Seagoon outside for ye" 
Major Bloodnock: "Ooohhhhh" 
FX: [thud] 
Wallace: [solicitor] "He's fainted, downwards, send in the gentleman" 
FX: [door opens] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Ah...good morning" 
Moriarty: "Ah... good morning, och aye mon" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "We are Neddie Seagoon" 
Wallace: [solicitor-surprised] "Both of you?" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Yes, both of us, you see, Neddie Seagoon was twins" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "He's bigger than I thought" 
FX: [door opens] 
Spike: [solicitor's assistant with Scots accent] " Pardon, there's a Mister Seagoon outside for you" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Run for it Moriarty" 
Grams: [footsteps running away, both scream] 
Moriarty: "Owww" 
Grams: [running footsteps speed up, crash of glass] 
Wallace: [solicitor] "Next please" 
Neddie: "Ah...thanks, I am Neddie Seagoon" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "Yes, but erm...the gentleman feigning a swoon on the floor said he was Neddie Seagoon" 
Major Bloodnock: "It's a lie Neddie, it's a lie!" 
Neddie: "What! Ah...ooo...ee..yooo!" 
Major Bloodnock: "I was only saying I was Neddie Seagoon till you got here, you don't want your shoes cleaned do you? then I was going to let you say it!" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "Well now, this er...this er new gentleman fits the horrifying description given in these documents" 
Neddie: "Eh? What! What! What! What! What! What! What!...cluck cluck" 
Wallace: [solicitor] "Eh? All right, all right, all right, so now if you'll put on these baggy bladder kilts, my partner, Mister Mc Red Hairy McLegs here will read Baron Seagoon's will" 
Grams: [bagpipe music, under] 
Red Hairy McLegs: [Scots accent, virtually unintelligible, hwrrrr eehrrrrr yeeee nickynacka hrrrrrrrrrrrnnn etc] 
Neddie: "The will, the will" 
Red Hairy McLegs: "Aye, aye" 
Neddie: "Aye arrrr" 
Red Hairy McLegs: "I Baron Seagoon, being of partially sound mind, leave Neddie Seagoon one million poonds" 
Neddie: "I'm rich! I can buy a wig" 
Red Hairy McLegs: "Aye, But you're no allowed to spend the million till your nerth birthday" 
Neddie: "Ahha, [gulps], I can't spend it till I'm a hundred?" 
Major Bloodnock: "Take it lad, we'll sell it" 
Neddie: "Yes. Yes...I'll sell it. Part Three, an auction sale" 
Grams: [murmours] 
Neddie: [bangs gavel] "Gentlemen, the last item in our auction today is the valuable, attractive million pounds. What am I bid for one million pounds"? 
Grams: [silence] 
Neddie: "What? What? What? What? What? 
Neddie: "it's worth twice that, it's not enough...wait a minute, we'll auction Max Geldray" 
Max and Orchestra: [Mountain Greenery] 
Audience applause: 
Grams: [tribal drums] 
Wallace: "Drums Along the Mersey, part three the third [dramatic] poor Neddie Seagoon" 
Neddie: [in background]"Ohh ooh ohh hoo" 
Wallace: "With a million pounds which he couldn't auction and he couldn't spend till his hundredth birthday" 
Neddie: "Well done Wal, [claps], more! [omnes, cries of more, bravo!] Then a stroke of luck, I was called to the British Museum" 
Minnie: "Oh, eyou, we sent for you Mr. Seagoon, ohh dear dear, ohh dear dear, we got a proposition to put to you buddy, [sings] yim bum biddle e bay, yim bum biddle oh, I love that rocking roll buddy, ah yes, I remember now, we'd like to hire your million pounds, for our display of unique exhibits ohhh [vapours]" 
Neddie: "Well I erm I ooh eee" 
Minnie: "Well it would be placed in a position of honour buddy, next to this ancient Peruvian calendar stone" [Spike starts to break up with the giggles] 
Neddie: "Calendar?" 
Minnie: "You've heard of them of course, they're different from ours" 
Neddie: "Oh?" 
Minnie: "For instance Jim, oh... where were you born?" 
Neddie: "Nineteen twenty one" 
Minnie: "That's a nice place to be born, if you were a Peruvian, you'd be erm, you'd be a hundred years old now" 
Neddie: "A hundred years old! Did you hear that Bloodnock? The million is mine if I become a Peruvian!" 
Major Bloodnock: "Quick! To Peruvia" 
Grams: [car drives off at speed - two splashes] 
Neddie: "From there on we took a boat, then, disaster" 
Orchestra: [dramatic chords] 
Grams: [sea / waves] 
Major Bloodnock: "In out... out in, ohh, ohh cast adrift in a open boat, with only the sea to keep us...afloat" 
Neddie: "You're the cause of all the strife, getting caught with the captain's wife" 
Major Bloodnock: "It's a lie Mr Fry, we were just good friends" 
Neddie: "Good friends, it's a wonder both of you didn't catch you're death of cold" 
Major Bloodnock: "I know, I know, I behaved like an absolute bounder and a cad...it's the only way you can enjoy yourself these days" 
Moriarty: [in distance]"Oh eee ohh ahoyee" 
Neddie: "Bloodnock, look! We're saved! saved, look what's bearing down on us" 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes, two men in lifebelts" 
Moriarty: "Iyeee" 
Grytpype-Thynne: [calls] "Hello Neddie" 
Neddie: "I seem to recognize that tone of face" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Neddie, we bring good tidings, may we come in"? 
Neddie: "Of course, but wipe your feet, I've just done the step" 
Moriarty: [in background] "Oohhhh" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Neddie, we have, ahh, just discovered, eh, huh, huh, through the courtesy of Mr. Bentine, that you are a Peruvian" 
Neddie: "What!! [heavy Welsh accent] but mother said I was born in South Wales" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Of course, didn't you know that Cardiff originally came from Peru on a raft"? 
Neddie: [heavy welsh accent]"This is wonderful man, but how can I prove that all Welsh people come from Peru"? 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Really, it's quite simple, you sail from South America to Cardiff on this cardboard raft" 
Neddie: "Aye"? 
Grytpype-Thynne: "And the million pounds is yours to spend right away, Moriarty"? 
Moriarty: "Ohh yes, sir yes, yes indeed little Welsh blubber, you try this Kon Tiki type craft at once" 
Grams: [splash] 
Moriarty: "There!" 
Neddie: "There [gasps] gad! it fits the ocean perfectly" 
Moriarty: "I know, it was specially tailored for the Atlantic" 
Peter: [in background]"Yes yes yes yes yes" [becomes unintelligible] 
Moriarty: "Look at all these holes we've made, you can't get them like that these days" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "And all we're asking is three and six" 
Neddie: "It's a deal, no, no wait, hmm arr hum" 
Moriarty: "What"? 
Neddie: "I haven't got any money" 
Moriarty: "Whhowwww, what about the million pounds"? 
Neddie: "Well, I can't spend it" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "You can pawn it" 
Neddie: "Where"? 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Moriarty, inflate the rubber pawn shop" 
Grams: [bicycle tyre being rapidly pumped up] 
Moriarty: "Huh, voila! Step inside little Neddie" 
FX: [door opens, shop doorbell] 
Henry: "Good morning sir, nice day for a pawn" 
Neddie: "This million pounds, how much will you allow me on it"? 
Henry: "English money eh? ah, we don't usually lend money on antiques" 
Neddie: "Antiques! These pounds are right up to date, why only the other day an American offered me a shilling for one of them" 
Henry: "Ohh, that's different, if the Herns like them, i can...I can let you have em...er, seven shillings" 
Neddie: "Here Moriarty, seven shillings, the raft is mine, cast off!" 
Grams: [boat being rowed away] 
Neddie: [sings] "Maybe it's because I'm Peruvian, that I love Inca so, maybe it's because I'm Peruvian", [becomes unintelligible, speeds up to fade out] 
Grams: [rowing and splashing of oars] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "There he goes...with his specially tampered map and compass, bon voyage little Welshman, goodbye" 
Grams: [nautical music link & seagulls] 
Wallace: "On February, Seagoon's attempt to prove the Peruvians were Welsh, began" 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes, left the coast of Peru, and using Moriarty's special map and tampered compass carried the raft inland" 
Grams: [jungle drums] 
Neddie: [ gasps ]"Huh Huh Huh,Pant" 
Major Bloodnock: "Look here Seagoon you...you can carry it awhile, i...I think I'll get up in the crows nest" 
Neddie: "I can't understand it, a hundred miles inland and no sign of Wales" 
Major Bloodnock: "Don't worry, I've got my big naval harpoon ready" 
Neddie: "Major Bloodnock, I'm not looking for whales the fish, I'm looking for Wales the land! Wait a minute! this compass...what's the time by your watch?" 
Major Bloodnock: "Erm...east nor nor east" 
Neddie: "Just as I thought, this compass is slow, it says twenty past two" 
Major Bloodnock: "Great brown nutted nurglars, those villains, they've switched the compass for the wristwatch" 
Neddie: "Gad, and not being men of the sea, we don't know which is which" 
Major Bloodnock: "Well, now here's a pretty kettle of fish" 
Neddie: "So it is, a damn silly place to leave it" 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes, well we can't stand here all day making these wonderful jokes" 
Neddie: "You're right...forward" 
Grams: [two splashes] 
Neddie: "Stop, stop" 
Major Bloodnock: "What"? 
Neddie: "I think we're near a river" 
Major Bloodnock: "Nonsense, no river could survive with me in it, I've been banned by the LCC public baths anti-pollution committee" 
Neddie: "I know, lets get out of the water, and see if our drawers cellular are wet" 
Major Bloodnock: "Right" 
Grams: [two bodies emerging from water] 
Neddie: "They are wet! So it is a river" 
Major Bloodnock: "What, then I'll soon tell you it's name, give me that mug" 
Grams: [clank of bucket, splash, more clanks] 
Major Bloodnock: [gulps, drinking] "Ahh, it's the Amazon" 
Neddie: "How do you know?" 
Major Bloodnock: "It says so on the map here" 
Neddie: "A river on the map, we can't leave it there, help me get it back in the water, one, two, hup" 
Grams: [splash] 
Major Bloodnock: "Good shot sir, right between the banks" 
Neddie: "How painful...wait ...what fools we are" 
Major Bloodnock: "What?" 
Neddie: "How are we going to get the raft across, the rivers full of water?" 
Major Bloodnock: "Well it's quite simple, build a bridge and carry it across, how else?" 
Chief: "Yim bum bulla boo, Liberace too" 
Major Bloodnock: "I don't know who he is, but he's got the right idea" 
Neddie: "It's a native drummer and his quartet, about to play their latest recording, hup!" 
Ray: [music, Giddiup a Ding Dong] 
Audience applause:Ray [in background] "Thank you" 
Neddie: "Stop that anti Seagoon applause, and you sir, how dare you sing in the middle of a steaming jungle without dressing for steaming dinner?" 
Chief: "Me toolah yukkaboola!" 
Major Bloodnock: "Not in these trousers you won't" 
Chief: "Come...come white man, you follow me, me keep missionary burning in the window for you" 
Orchestra: [music link, drums] 
Neddie: [panting] "With the aid of a rough jungle bier, I was carried inland" 
Major Bloodnock: "I had a rough jungle brandy and followed much later" 
Grams: [jungle noises] 
Neddie: "How much further chief"? 
Chief: "Only two miles, or with your legs, twenty" 
Neddie: "Ducks disease! the curse of the Seagoons" 
Major Bloodnock: "Never mind lad, you're still clearing the ground behind, I say though, it's a good job you haven't the curse if the Bloodnocks" 
Neddie: "Tell me Dennis, what is the curse of the Bloodnocks?" 
Major Bloodnock: "Me. You see, I'm the black sheep of the family" 
Chief: "Don't worry, me also black sheep of the family" 
Major Bloodnock: "Yes, I sup...oh yes yes" 
Neddie: "Stop, look" 
Major Bloodnock: "What?" 
Neddie: "A native village, then this must be...Drums Along the Mersey part three" 
Cyril?: [background]: "I sez yes" 
Grams: [tribal drums] 
Neddie: "We were led to a rude wooden hut" 
Major Bloodnock: "Inside was a rude wooden bed" 
Neddie: "On it lay a rude wooden man" 
Baron Seagoon: "And a rude wooden welcome to Peru Neddie" 
Neddie: "Good heavens, its rude wooden Baron Seagoon, the man who left me a million pounds in his rude will" 
Major Bloodnock: "Then it is true, he's rudely dead" 
Baron Seagoon: "That was mere rude idle gossip, I just overslept one morning. Now Neddie, hand over the million pounds, it's not yours till I die" 
Neddie: "I, Erm.. I...I...I haven't got it" 
Baron Seagoon: "Quit stalling, I planned this plan to get my million pounds out of England" 
Neddie: "So this is all a trick, well it's misfired, I was forced to pawn the money with Grytpype-Thynne" 
Baron Seagoon: "Him! But this was his idea, the double crosser, where is he?" 
Neddie: "In a pawn shop in the Atlantic" 
Baron Seagoon: "Then we've got him cornered, show me the way and I'll give you half a million" 
Major Bloodnock: "Which half?" 
Baron Seagoon: "The other half" 
Major Bloodnock: "Which half are you having?" 
Baron Seagoon: "The other other half" 
Major Bloodnock: "I say, you're cutting it fine aren't you?" 
Baron Seagoon: "Shut up!" 
Major Bloodnock: "Shut up!" 
Baron Seagoon: "Shut up!" 
Major Bloodnock: "Shut up!, oh yes" 
Neddie: "Shut up!" 
Eccles: [in background] "Shut up" 
Neddie: "Shut up" 
Major Bloodnock: [in background] "Shut up Bloodnock" 
Neddie: "We accept! but we warn you Baron...if you try anything funny, you won't get a laugh from us!" 
Baron Seagoon: "Right! give me the pawn ticket...follow me!" 
Grams: [splash] 
Neddie: "Into the Atlantic we plunged, I swam strongly, my duck's disease was now being a boon" 
Major Bloodnock: "We swam steadily for a week, then another week, in that order" 
Grams: [sounds of swimming] 
Neddie: "I think this is the spot" 
Baron Seagoon: "Are you sure?" 
Neddie: "Positive, I recognize the ocean" 
Baron Seagoon: "Well, the pawn shop's not here!" 
Neddie: "Perhaps they've moved" 
Baron Seagoon: "Moved! what a cunning method of concealment, [shouts] after them!" 
Grams: [horses hooves gallop away] 
Wallace: "Weary of swimming, our heroes re-mounted, and headed for the Savoy Hotel, Frith Street" 
Moriarty: "Oh, lovely moolah" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Yes" 
Moriarty: "Oh the power of money, lets count it again buddy" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Yes" 
Moriarty: "A million pounds, and all in money, ohh, buddy, ohhh" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Oh what luxury Moriarty, let's face it, we've never had it so good. Moriarty, say something for me" 
Moriarty: "Diana Dors" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Arrgghhhh " 
Moriarty: "With hinges" 
Grytpype-Thynne & Moriarty: "Ohhh...ohhh...ohhhhh" 
FX: [knock on door] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Say come in for me Moriarty" 
Moriarty: "Come in for me Moriarty" 
FX: [door opens] 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Gentlemen, I am the manager, is everything to your liking?" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Everything except your impression of a Frenchman" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Merci Mon ami, er...was you breakfast satisfactory this evening?" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Er... the fish had a bone in it" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "I'll have it dismissed at once...Poisson...you are fired" 
Poisson: [sounding like bluebottle] "Euch" 
Grams: [splash] 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Er...by the way sir, there are three gentlemen on horseback swimming up the stairs to see you" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Oh...well lay out my horsehair bathing costume and rubber toga, and er..ask them to come in would you"? 
FX: [door] 
Baron Seagoon: "Hands up all of you!" 
[Raspberry in background, probably Harry] 
Neddie: "Wait a minute..." 
Eccles: "It's him!" 
Neddie: "Wait a minute, we're on your side" 
Baron Seagoon: "Not any more Neddie, I want my million pounds" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "It's the Baron! what are you doing out of the jungle? You'll catch your death of cold!" 
Baron Seagoon: "I want that million pounds and I want it fast! I'm going to sing the whole of act three from Tosca, and if you haven't handed over by then, I shall sing act four!!!" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "You boastful devil incarnate!" 
Neddie: "But there isn't any act four in Tosca!!" 
Baron Seagoon: "Then you've less time than you think!!! [Starts singing], ying tong iddle I po oohhhhh, la de daa, la da da deeeee [screams the last note]" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent]]"Gentlemen please, oh please gentlemen oh" 
Baron Seagoon: [singing] Ying tong iddle I po...brown power" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Gentlemen please, please Gentlemen" 
Baron Seagoon: [singing] "Ying tong iddle I po" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Oh Mais Non..." [becomes unintelligible] 
Baron Seagoon: [singing] "Ying tong iddle I po... brown power" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Gentlemen...gentlemen...gentlemen please, there is a charge of six pounds for [singing stops] there is a charge of six pounds for singing and fighting in the Royal Suite" 
Baron Seagoon: "That's what I'm afraid of, it's a pleasure...[FX: cash register] here" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Ta...wait, this money is a forgery" 
Grytpype-Thynne: "What! Moriarty, that six pounds came from the million, that means the whole lot is a forgery!" 
Moriarty: "Owwww, ahhhh" 
Baron Seagoon: "Come on hand it over, but keep both hands raised in the air, now anybody got a ladder? No...well" 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "I...I'm going to call the police [calls] police!!" 
Eccles: "Hello my good man, what's going on"? 
Wallace: [hotel manager with a terrible French accent] "Are you a policeman?" 
Eccles: "Yeah, want to know the time?" 
Neddie: "Just a minute!" 
Eccles: "That's right, it's just a minute past, that's right!.. Well...goodbye, have a good time, how's yer old dad? everything's fine, [starts to sing] oh my love..." [Spike breaks up giggling] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "Just a moment officer, that rhythm Baron is in possession of forged money" 
Eccles: "I arrest you, I arrest you in the nim of the loo" 
Baron Seagoon: "No! no! no!, it's not mine, it belongs to Neddie, I left it him in my will" 
Neddie: "But it's not mine until you're dead!" 
Baron Seagoon: "Well, you'll soon have it...goodbye!!" 
FX: [pistol shot, body falls to floor] 
Grytpype-Thynne: "There now, it's all yours Neddie, officer, arrest that forger" 
Neddie: "You can't arrest me! I'm a Peruvian! Ha ha ha ha " 
Eccles: "A Peruvian forger? You'll get life for this Neddie" 
Neddie: "I don't wish to know that" [spoken over music] 
Eccles: "Come on Neddie" [spoken over music] 
Wallace: "That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine Dyall, with The Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton" 

Crazy rhythm playout 
Audience applause 
Music ends 
Audience applause 

Wallace: "Erm...yes, well now, here is an announcement for listeners still wondering why this program was called Drums Along the Mersey, while the erm program was being broadcast, there were in fact, several drums beating along the Mersey, those with their windows open may have heard them" 
Bluebottle: "hey...why wasn't I in this week"? 

Audience laughter 
Music continues, and is quickly faded out. 


End 




+++ Notes +++ 

Welcome to my first attempt to transcribe a Goon Show. I chose 'Drums Along The Mersey' as it is one of my many favourite Goon Shows, not least because of Valentine Dyall's contribution. His rendition of the third act from Tosca has to be heard to be believed. Absolutely brilliant. He was just great, in all ten shows in which he appeared. 

I have standardized the spelling of Moriarty's 'ow' as 'Owwww' though they vary in length when spoken. Some of the vocal utterance I find impossible to textualize, so I have just made a "best guess" at the spelling. I am unsure about the spelling of Rowton House, or is it Roughton? 
I'm not sure about the finer points of written grammar, I have used an ellipsis '...' to indicate a slightly longer pause than a comma would indicate. 
The 'Shut Up' sequence may not be perfectly correct as several people are speaking simultaneously, and this makes transcription difficult [for me, anyway] 
I have credited one short line to the character 'Cyril' though it may have been 'Flowerdew'. Anyway, it sounds like it was spoken by Peter, and he was known for voicing these characters in the early series. 
Wallace announces the show "This is the BBC Light Programme" - this is interesting as Spike once complained that the Beeb would only ever broadcast the show on the Home Service, and would not therefore, reach as large an audience as it would have on the Light Program. I have noticed this in several scripts. Was this a fair criticism by Spike, or was his memory playing tricks on him? I wonder. 
The 'Singing sequence may also be inaccurate, as several people were speaking simultaneously, notably, Wallace and Valentine. 
I believe that I have the main dialog essentially correct, the way it was spoken, but there are a few asides and ad-libs, which though they can be heard, my ageing ears find very difficult to resolve. There are many pauses in the script, where the cast wait for audience laughter to subside. I haven't noted these, neither have I attempted to show accent of certain word pronunciations. 
Any constructive criticisms and/or suggestions about the foregoing will be welcomed. 

Alan 100802 

by the way, this script was transcribed using ms word, but posting it has destroyed the original formatting...sapristi microsoft!!!!!