Monday, December 30, 2002 Originally transcribed using Wordpad. Font: Arial Narrow: Size 10 converted to an *.rtf file using msword. the forum appears not to recognise tabs The Goon Show The Spectre of Tintagel Series 07 Edition 05: TLO15209 Broadcast: 01 November 1956 Show Details: Featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Valentine Dyall Music by Max Geldray and The Ray Ellington Quartet Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens Announcer Wallace Greenslade Producer Pat Dixon Cast: Harry Secombe: King Arthur Seagoon Spike Milligan: Moriarty, Eccles, Minnie Bannister Peter Sellers: Grytpype-Thynne, Bluebottle, Major Bloodnok, Yokel, Police Inspector, Willium Wallace Greens lade: Announcer Valentine Dyall: Himself Wallace Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service Orchestra: [ascending music link] Peter: The Spectre of Tintagel Spike: [rising scream] ooooohhhaaarrrrggghhhhhh Grams: [splash, seagulls] Peter: [over chorale music] Tintagel, Tintagel, Tintagel Valentine Dyall: [over music] Sometimes on a stilled night, from misty summer seas There comes a-riding clean and white two Knights on Palfreys Avoid you then that haunted dell that skirts the rocks of Tintagel Orchestra: [chorale type link] Neddie Seagoon: My name is...ha ha, no, you'll laugh, but the fact is I was christened King Arthur Seagoon. You see my parents were illiterate, but they had a round table. This led me to believe that I might be descended from Mallory's Mort d'Arthur Wallace Greenslade: And what did you do about it, Mr King Arthur Seagoon? Neddie Seagoon: Do? do young Wallace? In the bleak autumn of nineteen forty six, I made my way to the country of the Arthurian legend Orchestra: [music link] Grams: [clinking of jug and beer mugs] Yokel: Two pints please Grams: [clinking of jug and beer mugs] Minnie Bannister: Oh thank you, a small gin Omnes: Ooh arr arr ooh[etc] Yokel: Arr there be ghosts in there they say Neddie Seagoon: Tell me more, cherry-nosed Cornishman Yokel: Arr, they do say, as how at midnight, you hears 'em Neddie Seagoon: Does 'em? Yokel: Arr, when I was a boy, I remember... Neddie Seagoon: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes? Yokel: I can't remember. My mind's gone dry Neddie Seagoon: Two pints please Landlord Grams: [clinking of jug and beer mugs, pouring] Yokel: Arr, it's coming back to me now, that's right, there's a haunted manor near Tintagel, they do say King Arthur buried his treasure there Neddie Seagoon: Buried his treasure? Yokel: Arr, and when the Moon is full, they do say as how the Spectre walks, and plays strange music Neddie Seagoon: [Gulps] Yokel: And if you hears that tune three times...you dies. Good health sir Neddie Seagoon: ~~~[undecipherable] Grams: [spooky violin break] Neddie Seagoon: After certain investigations, I discovered the Spectre haunted Tintagel Manor, allegedly built on the site of Sir Galahad's hunting lodge. Eventually I found the house agents too, in a cave at the bottom of dead man's cliff Grams: [waves crashing on shore, crying of seagulls] Moriarty: Owww eeyowww, [sings] I must go down to the sea again, to wash my dirty socks, and all I ask, is a bar of soap and a... Grytpype-Thynne: Good morning, my reeking French lascar, did you sleep well? Moriarty: No, no, at three o'clock this morning, I had to get out of bed Grytpype-Thynne: Oh? Moriarty: I was shivering wet Grytpype-Thynne: Oh? And how was that sonny? Moriarty: The tide came in Grytpype-Thynne: Uninvited? Damned impertinence! Take a letter to the editor of The Times FX: [whoosh] Grytpype-Thynne: Wait till I've written it will you? Grams: [typewriter] Grytpype-Thynne: Ah, let me see...Dear Sir, I must complain about the abnormal high tides in Cornwall...er, is this a record? Err, sign it Liberace, then they'll print it Moriarty: Right Grytpype-Thynne: Now, err, what's for breakfast this evening? Moriarty: This steaming debris fracoule Grytpype-Thynne: Oooh Moriarty: Here, taste it FX: [smacking of lips] Moriarty: A dish fit for a king, yes? Grytpype-Thynne: Only if he's abdicated FX: [knock on door] Moriarty: What? I'll see who it is FX: [door opens] Grams: [sound of waves on shore] Neddie Seagoon: I'm sorry for bursting in like this Grytpype-Thynne: Come in sir, come in. Excuse the mess; we've got the sea in Neddie Seagoon: Ha ha ha. What a splendid cure for Mal-de-Mer Grytpype-Thynne: Isn't it, isn't it? Err, who is that who came in with you? Neddie Seagoon: The Atlantic Ocean Grytpype-Thynne: Oh yes, it's the Equinox you know Neddie Seagoon: Of course. Tell me; are you the agents for Tintagel Manor? Grytpype-Thynne: You want to rent it? Neddie Seagoon: Yes Moriarty: Aahheeoooeeooo Grytpype-Thynne: Shhh, Moriarty, you fool. Have you a car? Neddie Seagoon: Yes Grytpype-Thynne: We'll drive you there. Off we go Grams: [horses hooves] Moriarty: Pardon Mon ignorance Mon ami, but quelle type of car is this? Neddie Seagoon: It's one of le new carriage-less horses Moriarty: Ahhh, the wonders of the steam-age Neddie Seagoon: Owwhoyeee Moriarty: I know Grams: [horses hooves] Grytpype-Thynne: Whoa! Moriarty: Owww Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, dismount and put a brick under the horse Moriarty: Isn't that dangerous? Neddie Seagoon: So this is Tintagel Manor? Grytpype-Thynne: Yes Neddie Seagoon: How much is the rent for, say, a month? Grytpype-Thynne: Open your wallet Grams: [creaking] Grytpype-Thynne: Mr Seagoon, how remarkable, you've brought the exact amount. Moriarty count this lot and see how much there is would you? Grams: [rapid counting of a pile of banknotes] Moriarty: [counts slowly, not in time with the above] One...two...three...four...five...Two Pounds, and worth every penny of it Neddie Seagoon: Exactly. Now how do I get in? Moriarty: Here's a ladder Neddie Seagoon: Ladder? I want the keys Moriarty: There's no keys to this ladder, it's already open Neddie Seagoon: Ahhh, the wonders of the Steam-Age Grytpype-Thynne: And here's another wonder of the Stream-Age...Max Geldray Neddie Seagoon: [screams] ~~~[undecipherable] Max Geldray and orchestra: Music Audience: Applause Orchestra: [dramatic link] Wallace Greenslade: The Spectre of Tintagel part two. Placing a ladder up against the door of Tintagel Manor, Mr King Arthur Seagoon climbed up and rang the bell Grams: [church bell rings once] Valentine Dyall: Did you toll sir? Neddie Seagoon: Yes, my mama done tolled me ha ha ha...my momma done tolled me... Valentine Dyall: I have no wish to know that sir Neddie Seagoon: I am King Arthur Seagoon, the new tenant Valentine Dyall: Curses! So they've let the old manor at last, I'll see his stay is short and brief Neddie Seagoon: Finished? Valentine Dyall: Yes Neddie Seagoon: Right, please carry in my brown paper luggage Valentine Dyall: [scared] I'm sorry sir, I won't go back into that house, the sun's gone in Neddie Seagoon: Surely there's room for you both? Valentine Dyall: [scared] No, no sir, after dark, I'd rather go home to mother. You see sir, in Tintagel Manor there's... there's something... nasty in the woodshed Spike: Who did it? Valentine Dyall: [scared] I...I think sir, I think the Phantom's struck again, if you're wise sir you'll leave this place at once, otherwise you'll hear the ghastly music, [normal voice] goodnight, mind the doors Grams: [subway train pulls out of station] Neddie Seagoon: Gad, they run late! Beware the music... of course, the music. What did that Cornishman say? Yokel: I said, if you hear the music three times you die. Good health Neddie Seagoon: Thank you for coming Yokel: Goodbye arr Neddie Seagoon: And thank you for going. Well I'd... I'd better get inside Grams: [creaking door] Valentine Dyall: [menacing voice] Let the fool go in, he won't be there in the morning [fiendish] ha ha ha Orchestra: [music link] Grams: [church bell, sped up at end] Neddie Seagoon: One o'clock. The witching hour. I must prepare my equipment with which I hope to record the voices of long dead knights, which will give me a clue as to my direct descent from King Mort d'Arthur, now let me check the equipment in stores...one quon of thynne, a spin of blatz, a plan of quorns, a thin of monders, a therg of nurglars...[fades] Wallace Greenslade: And so, he settles down for the night Orchestra: [musical link] Grams: [snoring, cockerel crows] FX: [door opens] Willium: Hello hello hello, who's this kipping on the floor? What's this label round his neck say, [reads] I am the new tenant here, oh are you mate? What’s this second label say? [Reads] yes I am Neddie Seagoon: [snoring] Willium: Well, I'll just tie this label saying 'wake up mate'! round his neck Neddie Seagoon: [snores, smacking of lips, yawning] Good Heavens! Look at the label on my watch, it says half past eight. What does your label say? Willium: Ten to nine Neddie Seagoon: Your label's slow Willium: I'm Willium the gardener mate Neddie Seagoon: Well...go and grow me a breakfast Willium: Oh right, right mate FX: [door] Valentine Dyall: [singing] I bring along a smile and a song for everyone...[startled] You! Still here? Didn’t you hear anything during the night? Neddie Seagoon: No I. I fell into a heavy trance, six foot deep Valentine Dyall: Didn’t you hear the dying screams of a Zulu caught in the clutches of a man eating Matabele Iguana plant? Neddie Seagoon: No Valentine Dyall: Didn’t you see me whitened up with flour sacks and a false head screaming? Neddie Seagoon: Come to think of it...no Valentine Dyall: Curses! At least you must have heard the agonized moans of Sabrina being passed through an electric sausage machine? Neddie Seagoon: I'd have heard that Valentine Dyall: A pox on it! To think I paid Peter Kavanagh a fortune in ha'pennies and all he could drink from the tap for those impressions Neddie Seagoon: Never mind, tonight I shall stay awake and track down the Spectre of Tintagel Valentine Dyall: I'm afraid that is impossible sir, the ghost only plays when it's daytime in Australia and Wednesday over here Neddie Seagoon: This ghost has a map and a colander? I must contact him Valentine Dyall: I admire you vacuity sir, and now if you'll pardon me I'll go and prepare your demise Neddie Seagoon: Thank you; please leave it in the oven FX: [door] Neddie Seagoon: Tonight for sure I'll lay this ghost, even now my gallant squire hastens hencewards to assist me, but eeeyarrgggh what are these blackened twigs approaching? Bluebottle: They are my legs my Captain Audience: [applause] Bluebottle: Yes, it is I, Blunebottle, all ready for the game. Moves right, transfers quarter of Jelly Babies from pocket to gob Neddie Seagoon: Good lad, now listen, we must lie in wait behind the arras Bluebottle: Err, be careful my Captain, 'cause I redded in Hamlet that Palonius was stabbed through the arras Neddie Seagoon: Shhh, here's an orange Bluebottle: Ooh ta Captain, I like oranges Captain Neddie Seagoon: Shhh, keep quiet Bluebottle: Why are you keeping me quiet my Captain? Neddie Seagoon: Shhh! Bluebottle: Captain, why have you turned the light off? Neddie Seagoon: Shhh! Bluebottle: Don't shush me my Captain, I don't like eating oranges in the dark Neddie Seagoon: Well, don't eat it Bluebottle: And I don't not like oranges eating in the dark Neddie Seagoon: Well, what do you like doing in the dark? Bluebottle: Yeeheeheehee! Neddie Seagoon: Yes, but there's no time for that now, it'll be here any moment Bluebottle: [scared] What'll be here any moment? Neddie Seagoon: The Spectre of Tintagel Bluebottle: The Inspector of Tintangel, is he on nights then? Neddie Seagoon: No, the Spectre is a ghost Bluebottle: [scared] Ghost Captain? Neddie Seagoon: Yes, he's due here at one o'clock Grams: [church clock strikes one] Bluebottle: Can I go home now Captain? I left the cat running in the sink Grams: [spooky violin music] Neddie Seagoon: Listen, its ghostly music Bluebottle: I don't like it captain, it's not on the hit parade Neddie Seagoon: Shhh, hist, a melody not heard for a thousand nay, nay, two thousand years Grams: [spooky violin music, turns into a hot fiddle break, then scraping of bow] Audience: [applause] Neddie Seagoon: At last, I've heard it, the Spectre of Tintagel, if I can meet him, perhaps I can learn the secret of my lineage, but hold, what did the old Cornishman say? Yokel: If you hears that ghostly music three times you dies. Good health Grams: [train whistle, train pulls out from station-speeds up] Neddie Seagoon: Gad! The wonders of the steam age Bluebottle: What is the wonder of the steam age Captain? Neddie Seagoon: Steam Bluebottle: Ohh, how does it work? Neddie Seagoon: On the same principle as the boiling kettle. Let me demonstrate. Fill your mouth with water Bluebottle: Sip Neddie Seagoon: Now, put this whistle between your lips, good, now sit over this candle and wait. But hist, here is more ghostly music Ray Ellington: [music] Well All Right Audience: [applause] Ray Ellington: [over applause] Thank you! Neddie Seagoon: Curses! It was Ray Ellington, I recognised the applause Grams: [spooky violin music] Neddie Seagoon: The spectral music again, and for the second time. It appears to be coming from outside FX: [door] Grams: [wind howling] Neddie Seagoon: Gad it's dark out here, it must be nighttime. What did that long streak say? Valentine Dyall: [menacing] I said the ghost only plays when it's daytime in Australia and Wednesday over here Neddie Seagoon: You! What are you doing here? And I say, why are you taking my hat off? Valentine Dyall: [singing] Only a rose I bring you [etc] Neddie Seagoon: [over Valentine Dyall's singing] Why are you parting my hair in the middle? [over Valentine Dyall's singing] I say, why are you chalking a cross on my head? [over Valentine Dyall's singing] Why are you raising that iron girder and sighting it towards my head, why are you... Grams: [clang] Neddie Seagoon: Ooooh Grams: [thud of body hitting the ground] Willium: Ohhh, you nutted him mate Valentine Dyall: [over bugle, taps] Yes, there he lies in the corner of some foreign suit that is forever England Willium: Come on, let's go in Mr Valentine, it's nearly two o'clock and the mist's coming up on the moors Valentine Dyall: Yes, I'll put a light in the window and a Pound in the till to guide the master safely back home Grams: [distant church clock strikes two, sirens, baying of hounds, running feet, shouting, pounding on door] FX: [door] Major Bloodnok: [pants] Quick! Hide me Valentine Dyall: Master, welcome home. Willium lay out the final demand notices Willium: Right FX: [door] Major Bloodnok: Ohh, ohh it's good to be home Valentine Dyall: Yes sir, how did you find your way in this mist? Major Bloodnok: I followed the arrows on my suit. Quick, quick burn it, I wouldn’t like the dogs to get my scent Valentine Dyall: I wouldn’t like anyone to get your scent sir Major Bloodnok: You're not my best friend. Don't you realize I...I've been passed nadjer free. By the way, what was that lump lying in the garden? Valentine Dyall: That sir, was a Mr King Arthur Seagoon Major Bloodnok: Oh Valentine Dyall: He took a lease on the house and we couldn’t get rid of him. He will be unconscious for hours Major Bloodnok: Lucky devil, now lets dig up the loot and then scarper Orchestra: [music link] Wallace Greenslade: Meanwhile, at great expense, we are placing a microphone by an inert lump in the garden Grams: [wind howling] Neddie Seagoon: Ohh, what hit me? Ahhahh, struck down on the old Welsh nut from behind in my prime oooh, oooh Grams: [spooky violin music] Neddie Seagoon: Listen, the Spectre of Tintagel again, but hist, see, the Spectre draweth nigh from out yon bushes, hold oh long departed minstrel, speak Eccles: Hallo Neddie Seagoon: Ahhh, Spectre aid me Eccles: Ahh Neddie Seagoon: Sire, I seek to prove I'm descended from King Arthur Eccles: Good Luck Neddie Seagoon: Wait! Eccles: Wait! Neddie Seagoon: I recognise your voice! Eccles: He recognises my voice Neddie Seagoon: You're the famous Eccles Eccles: I'm the Famous Eccles Neddie Seagoon: Shut up! Eccles: Shut up Eccles Neddie Seagoon: Wait a minute Eccles: Wait a minute Eccles Neddie Seagoon: Wait Eccles: What what what Neddie Seagoon: Who put you up to this false type haunting? Eccles: That false type Mr Valentine Dyall Neddie Seagoon: [as Eccles] Valentine Dyall Eh? Orchestra: [music link] Grams: [clanking] Major Bloodnok: Three hundred golden cups and a hundred silver goblets, yes it's all here, the entire regimental plate of the Second Poona Horse Valentine Dyall: Splendid Major Bloodnok: Ahhhaha Grams: [spooky violin music] Major Bloodnok: Ohh Valentine Dyall: Somebody run outside and tell Eccles to stop playing that fake ghost music Eccles: But I'm in here Major Bloodnok: Then, that must be the real Spectre of Tintagel Valentine Dyall: Run for it! Grams: [running footsteps-speed up] FX: [door] Neddie Seagoon: Hahaha, that taught the devils a lesson, I'm glad now I learned the violin, even if it did take me all afternoon, great sputting thuns, what's this? Golden platters, this must be the lost treasure of Tintagel, revealed to me as a sign that I am a direct descendant of King Arthur Grytpype-Thynne: Three months at the Palladium and he thinks he's the King of England Audience: [applause] Neddie Seagoon: What what what what what what what what? FX: [door] Police Inspector: Oh err, Good evening sir Neddie Seagoon: Good evening Inspector Police Inspector: Are you the owner of this manor? Neddie Seagoon: That is correct Police Inspector: I see, then perhaps you could explain this gold plate here? Neddie Seagoon: Certainly. It's mine Police Inspector: The stolen regimental plate of the Second Poona Horse is yours? Neddie Seagoon: Yes! by Royal Prerogative Police Inspector: Royal Prerogative? I see, what did you say your name was? Neddie Seagoon: King Arthur Police Inspector: King Arthur? Neddie Seagoon: That's right, yes Police Inspector: Well, you'd better come with me Your Majesty, there's a...plain van outside that all our King Arthurs and three Napoleons have ridden in Neddie Seagoon: Ha ha ha, that's good enough for me Police Inspector: Yes Neddie Seagoon: Of course, this means the end of the House of Windsor, of course Police Inspector: Yes Neddie Seagoon: Prince Philip will have to go you know Inspector: You come with me Your Majesty, it'll all be all right in a moment, you just come outside Neddie Seagoon: I think I'll make you Prime Minister, you've got the right build, you know Police Inspector: That's very kind of you, Your Majesty, just follow me outside Neddie Seagoon: Fancy Ireland? Wales is doing nothing at the moment FX: [door] Grams: [ambulance drives rapidly away, bell ringing, fades out] Orchestra: [outro music starts] Wallace Greenslade: That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe Spike Milligan Valentine Dyall, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon Crazy Rhythm playout End Notes to this transcription: Once again, I have transcribed this exactly as I heard it [right or wrong]. In a couple of places, two or more actors were speaking at once, and this makes transcription difficult. I have separated the voices as best as I can. I have only added reading directions in a couple of places, where I feel them to be necessary to the flow of the script. *** The voice I have listed as 'Yokel' could well be 'Swede', a very rustic voice, based on a character Peter met in Sussex, at the home of producer Peter Eton *** ~~~[undecipherable] means I just cannot resolve what was said here - 2 places *** Valentine Dyall: [scared] I...I think sir, I think the Phantom's struck again, I believe this line to be a reference to the old soldier's trick of placing a roll of wet brown paper in the victim's bed to simulate a Richard the Third. It got quite a laugh from the studio audience, therefore I think that somebody must have known what it meant - see Where Have All the Bullets Gone? *** Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, dismount and put a brick under the horse Moriarty: Isn't that dangerous? Neddie Seagoon: So this is Tintagel Manor? I suspect a censor's cut after Moriarty's line. I don't have the Tedded version of this show, but this sounds suspiciously to me, like a variation of the camel and two bricks joke. *** Neddie Seagoon: This ghost has a map and a colander? I must contact him This line surely should have read 'calendar', but colander is what I hear. Maybe it's just the accent and / or pronunciation thing again *** Spelling The words Fracoule and Palonius I believe to be spelt correctly, but they are not in my dictionary atb alan Last edited by alan burton on Wed Jan 1st, 2003 04:04, edited 2 times in total