The Goon Show: 1956

Series 7, programme 9: The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons.

Broadcast 29 November, 1956

BILL:	This is the BBC Home Service. Something follows almost immediately.
GRAMS:	SERIES OF SOUNDS INDICATING A METAL MACHINE FALLING TO PIECES BIT BY BIT AT IRRITATING INTERVALS. SOUNDS MUST VARY WIDELY. ALL ENDS WITH DUCK CALL. (ALSO ON GRAMS)
HARRY:	Ah - they don't make things like that any more.
BILL:	What was it, Mr. Seagoon?
HARRY:	Me.
BILL:	You mean that at one time they were mass-producing Neddie Seagoons?
HARRY:	Only a limited number for connoisseurs. You see - at that time there were only a limited number of connoisseurs.
BILL:	Are you implying that there are other Ned Seagoons in existence?
HARRY:	Yes - but there's only one signed original.
BILL:	Who owns that?
HARRY:	My wife.
GRAMS:	FAST CHATTERING OF WOMAN'S VOICE AT HIGH SPEED
HARRY:	Coming, dear! (WHISPERING) I'm the master, really.
BILL:	(WHISPERING BACK, CYNICALLY) Yes - I'm sure you are, dear.
HARRY:	Stop taking the mickey! I'm the funny man - I get the laughs in this show. Watch.
GRAMS:	ROARS OF LAUGHTER - SEVERAL FEMALE HYSTERI­CAL SHRIEKS. (BELIEVE THE RECORDED LAUGHTER USED BEFORE 'LAUGHTERMAKERS' PROGRAMME WOULD BE IDEAL)
BILL:	Mr. Seagoon - pull your trousers up at once. This is not I.T.V. television! Now, if you'll just shave your head and put on this bald ginger wig, you'll be ready for your part in -
HARRY:	(QUIET 'WHAT-WHAT'-ING GOING ON BEHIND)
Bill:	'The Great Art Mystery - The Case of The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoon.'
ORCHESTRA:	DRAMATIC MYSTERIOUS CHORDS
THYNNE:	I'll never forget the day I met Neddie. The golden morning sunlight was bathing the Devon hills as he made his way through a reeking slum alley off Lisle Street.
HARRY:	(HUMS TO HIMSELF) By the dustbins of Rome - I met her .... by the dustbins ....
F/X:	DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED
SPIKE:	(PUSSY CAT).
HARRY:	(DRY) Ah - Percy Edwards' impression of a cat done by Spike Milligan. Here - pussy - a fishbone for you .... and one for me ....(GULPS)
GRAMS:	SOUND OF FISHBONE DESCENDING GULLET. SUGGEST KNIFE RUNNING DOWN SANDPAPER WITH VARIOUS ADDITIONS
BILL:	(OVER) Listeners - the sound you are hearing is the fish­bone actually passing down Mr. Seagoon's gullet on its way South. Only with the modern miracle of wireless is this possible. We now return you to the speaking end of Seagoon.
HARRY:	(BURP) Ah - that's better. Now see what dainty moral there is inferred.
F/X:	DUSTBIN LID OFF
HARRY:	Pooh!
MORIARTY:	Go away - this rubbish is reserved for members of Rowton House.
HARRY:	What are you doing in this dustbin?
THYNNE:	We're waiting for the next delivery.
HARRY:	I have the fishing rights for all these bins, I tell you. Out you get.
MORIARTY:	Sapristi nobblers - take that
F/X:	LOUD WALLOP
HARRY:	(TOOTHLESS) Owww	.... you devil of the dustbins.
THYNNE:	Neddie - how dare you strike Moriarty in his Army Boot with the full force of your teeth!
ECCLES:	What's going on here?
THYNNE:	Nothing.
ECCLES:	Oh - well, I'll clear off then.
BILL:	The part of the mysterious stranger was played by Eccles. The rest of him was played by Rawicz and Landauer.
HARRY:	(GOING OFF) All of you - clear off from these dustbins. Go on. Shoo
THYNNE:	(ON, QUIETLY) Moriarty - I've just recognised him. He's a Neddie Seagoon!
MORIARTY:	Owwhh!
THYNNE:	If he's an original Neddie Seagoon, he's worth a fortune. (ALOUD) Neddie?
HARRY:	(APPROACHING, TOOTHLESS) what-what-what-what-what?
THYNNE:	Neddie - we owe you an apology. Allow me to reset your teeth free of charge.
ORCHESTRA:	QUICK HOT BREAK ON XYLOPHONE - ENDING WITH GLISS (ANDO). UPWARDS
HARRY:	Ta.
MORIARTY:	Neddie - let us escort you into your rightful dustbin.
F/X:	SWANEE WHISTLE UP. LOUD CLANG OF DUSTBIN LID BANGED DOWN
THYNNE:	Got him
HARRY:	(MUFFLED) Let me out! Let me out!
THYNNE:	Let's go and get the car from somebody's garage .... and take him to an art expert for cleaning and restoring.
MORIARTY:	(GOING) Ooeeewww - money! The grisbee!
GRAMS:	TWO WHOOSHES OFF
HARRY:	(ON) Curse - trapped inside a dark, dank dustbin. But wait - (SLOWLY) - there's somebody in the dustbin with me! .... (WHISPER) He's coming over ...... I'll pretend I haven't seen him.
GRAMS:	FOOTSTEPS - ON SLIGHT ECHO - APPROACH FROM DISTANCE AND STOP
ECCLES:	Hellooooo.
HARRY:	It's the famous Eccles.
ECCLES:	It's the famous Eccles.
HARRY:	How did you get in this dustbin?
ECCLES:	I got influence. I know the man on the door.
HARRY:	Then you can help me get out of here.
ECCLES:	Get out? Who wants to get out of a place like this? This is livin' - I never had it so good.
HARRY:	SSShhhh! Listen!
ECCLES:	What?
HARRY:	Look - Dear listeners - through the bead curtains of the dustbin I saw a large dustcart draw up outside. To the sound of silent bugles, two dustmen slid to the ground and rowed themselves towards us.
ECCLES:	Yer - that's the W.V.S. Dustbin Collection Society.
HARRY:	Really - what's that for?
ECCLES:	They make parcels of rubbish up for the poor people of Acton.
HARRY:	What for?
ECCLES:	What for! There's people in Acton who can't afford rub­bish of their own.
HARRY:	Even as Eccles spoke - our bin was hoisted aboard the ghostly dustcart and driven away to the sound of Max Geldray.
MAX GELDRAY/ORCHESTRA: 'BOO-DAH'
(APPLAUSE)

MAX:	(OFF) (FADING YELL)
GRAMS:	HEAVY SPLASH
BILL:	That was Max Geldray playing an entrechat on an unloaded seagull. Next week 'Fifty Years of Song' arranged for wardrobe and Ernest Longstaffe. Book your teeth early. And now we return you to a certain type of entertainment.
ORCHESTRA:	LAST EIGHT BARS 'LIMEHOUSE BLUES' PLAYED IN FAST 2/4 TIME
HENRY:	Mm .... mmm ....
MINNIE:	Where are you, buddy?
HEN:	I'm trapped behind the rosewood piano, Min.
MIN:	Oh - dear! Ah - which rosewood piano are you behind, Henry?
HEN:	Which? How many rosewood pianos have we got?
MIN:	I'll count them. Sixty-eight, Henery.
HEN:	That's the one. I'm behind one of them.
MIN:	Keep still Heave!.... (AD LIB EFFORTS OVER)
F/X:	MOVING PIANO - JANGLING OF STRINGS - BOOMING VIBRA­TIONS - HEAVY BANGS. THUDS. ETC.
MIN:	There you are. You can come out now, Hen. .... Ououoh!
HEN:	What's the matter, Min?
MIN:	You're not behind this piano, Henry.
HEN:	Oh dear - you'd better find me soon or I'll pass out.
F/X:	KNOCK ON DOOR
HEN:	I'll get it, Bebe.
MIN:	Okay, Ben. I wonder how many people will recognise that impression, Henry?
F/X:	DOOR OPENS
HENRY:	What is it, gentlemen?
SPRIGGS:	Pardon me, sir. I have a load of rubbish outside.
HEN:	It's a music publisher, Min.
SPRIGGS:	You don't understand, sir and Maurice Burman. what I mean is - we have a dustbin of selected rubbish specially for you - the poor people of Acton.
HEN:	You mean it's free?
SPRIGGS:	Not a penny piece to pay!
HEN:	Ohh - Min - Min!
MIN:	At least we can look our neighbours in the face. We've got our own rubbish!
HEN:	Would you just leave it in the hall here, Mr. Man?
MIN:	You must excuse the mess, sir, but we've got us in.
F/X:	DUSTBIN LIDS
SPRIGGS:	(EFFORTS) There, madam - and there's plenty more where that came from. England's getting back on her feet, I tell you. Good-day.
F/X:	DOOR CLOSES
HEN:	Ohh - look Min. Our own rubbish at last.
MIN:	Where shall we put it, Henry?
HEN:	On the mantelpiece, Min, where people can see it.
HARRY:	(VERY MUFFLED GABBLE)
MIN:	The rubbish spoke, Henry!
HEN:	It's not dead yet, Min. (LOUD) It's still ponging. Come out from inside, you coward. Come out and fight Minnie Bannister!
F/X:	LID OF DUSTBIN OFF
HARRY:	Please - please help me.
ECCLES:	Please help him.
HARRY:	I've been kidnapped!
ECCLES:	He's been kid-
HARRY:	Shut up, Eccles!
ECCLES:	Shut up, Eccles!
HEN:	Don't try and lie your way out of this. You're our rubbish!
F/X:	DOOR BURSTS OPEN
MORIARTY:	Nobody move! We've got him, Grytpype.
THYNNE:	Yes, Neddie. Don't try anything funny. We want the laughs here. Get inside that piano.
HARRY:	But I'm not musical.
THYNNE:	I know. I've bought your records.
HARRY:	What-what-what-what-what?
MORIARTY:	Sapristi! Stop the joking! Get inside that piano.
HARRY:	No - it might be infectious.
THYNNE:	Don't worry. I'll drive.
HARRY:	I was forced at postul punt into the back of the piano and driven away at break-neck speed ... By a driver with a broken neck.
GRAMS:	CAR STARTING UP VERY FAST - WITH OVERLAY OF PIANO-PLAYING AT HIGH SPEED. FADE UNDER:
MORIARTY:	Faster, Grytpype. Can't this piano go any faster?
THYNNE:	No, I'm out of practice. I haven't played for years.
GRAMS:	DISTANT POLICE GONGING APPROACHING
HARRY:	I'm saved. We're being gonged by a police piano.
GRAMS:	PIANO/CAR PULLS UP SUDDENLY - GONGING STOPS MUSIC SAXOPHONE - 'POLICEMAN'S HOLIDAY'
MORIARTY:	Sapristi! Here comes a police saxophonist.
THYNNE:	Yes. Keep Seagoon covered with this copy of Chopin's Nocturnes.
HARRY:	You devil, you know I don't know it.
BASS:	(APPROACHING) 'Allo - what's goin' on 'ere? Do you know you're breakin' the law?
THYNNE:	What's the charge?
BASS:	Playing the piano - on the wrong side of the street. Fined £5.
THYNNE:	Well - naturally it's a French piano.
BASS:	Then the fine will be five hundred francs.
F/X:	TILL
BASS:	Merci - and here's an aerial photograph of a receipt.
ORCHESTRA:	TAA RAAA THIN CHORD CYMBAL
BILL:	Part three - in which Neddie is taken to an art expert's to discover whether or not he is an original Seagoon. Over then to the expert.
ORCHESTRA:	BLOODNOK THEME
BLOOD:	Aeiough ... Arggggggggg.... Blurnnnnn Orgeuegegeg .... Aeolelelele. Never again. Now, Abdul?
ABDUL:	Yes, major?
BLOOD:	Here are those export masterpieces for the Americas. Just check this list. Original Portrait of Miss Marilyn Monroe by Michael Angelo.
ABDUL:	Ha.
BLOOD:	President Eisenhower by Gainsborough.
ABDUL:	Gainsborough by President Eisenhower.
BLOOD:	Good. Vincent van Gogh by Kirk Douglas, R.A. What's he doing in the Artillery?
ABDUL:	Making a film.
BLOOD:	Ohhhhhhhh­ -
GRAMS:	WHISTLE - TRIANGLE - BASS DRUM - SPLASH - GONG - DUCK CALL. ALL DONE AT EVEN TEMPO
BLOOD:	Answer the door, Abdul.
ABDUL:	Ha.
GRAMS:	A GREAT FURIOUS OPENING OF ABOUT TWENTY DOORS IN RAPID SUCCESSION
THYNNE:	Thank you. Nervous of burglars?
MORIARTY:	Bloodnok, we want you to see if this is an original Seagoon.
HARRY:	What! You're going to examine me?
BLOOD:	Only down wind. Now - as with all oil paintings like this ....
HARRY:	What? I'm no oil painting.
BLOOD:	I'll say you're not .... we must first remove the layers of centuries of dirt and grime.
HARRY:	What-what-what-what!
BLOOD:	Silung, painting.
HARRY:	I tell you there's no need for this. I am the original Neddie Seagoon. I've got the signature on my bottom left-hand corner.
BLOOD:	Whose?
HARRY:	My father's.
BLOOD:	Let me see.
F/X:	RIP OF CLOTH
HARRY:	Oooops.
BLOOD:	(READS) Fred Seagoon ... yes - the signature's genu­ine. But wait! Your bottom left-hand-corner looks a forgery.
HARRY:	It can't be. I use my bottom left-hand corner every day.
BLOOD:	We'll soon see. Quick! Get him in this bath of turpentine.
GRAMS:	SPLASH
HARRY:	Ooooooeeeeeough! (BUBBLE)
BLOOD:	Now - while he's soaking, let's listen to this oil painting of Ray Ellington.
ELLINGTON QUARTET: 'IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME'
(APPLAUSE)

GRAMS:	HAMMER CHIPPING ON A STONE
BILL:	The sound you are hearing, folks, is Major Bloodnok chip­ping away the outer layer of the Neddie Seagoon in question.
HARRY:	Ooops! Mind what you're doing down there, Bloodnok.
BLOOD:	Silung - Gentlemen and Moriarty.
MORIARTY:	Owww.
BLOOD:	After extensive tests - I removed Seagoon's outer layer - and guess what I found underneath? A portrait of a man in his underwear. Gentlemen - this Neddie Seagoon - is a forgery!
HARRY:	Me? A forgery! This is a trick - a plot - a plit - a trock -a plick - a trot - I'm Seddie Neagoon - I'll say that again - it's a kick - a plock - I'm Geggie Seadoon!
BILL:	May I help?
HARRY:	A trained talker. Proceed.
BILL:	Thank you. (LOUD) It's a trick - a plot - I'm Neddie Seagoon.
F/X:	CLANG OF DUSTBIN LID DOWN
THYNNE:	Got him.
MORIARTY:	Well done, Grytpype. So - Wallace Greenslade is the original Neddie Seagoon - overpainted with a portrait of a BBC announcer.
BLOOD:	Yes - it'll take years to remove all those layers of green slading.
HARRY:	I tell you I am the original Neddie Seagoon.
BLOOD:	Nonsense! You're only a head and shoulders.
HARRY:	I'm a full-length portrait.
BLOOD:	No man your size could be a full-length.
HARRY:	Well, I was 6 ft 3 in as a child when I was young, but I was struck by a lift.
MORIARTY:	Wait a minute! If you're an original, why are you such a funny shape?
HARRY:	(DRY) I was done by Picasso.
THYNNE:	Bloodnok, we're taking Greenslade to the only man who can tell us whether he's an original Greenslade - or a fake Seagoon.
HARRY:	Who's that?
THYNNE:	John Snagge.
ORCHESTRA:	THIN CHORD - CHOKED CYMBAL
THYNNE:	(BREATHLESS) We're back.
HARRY:	Well?
MORIARTY:	That Greenslade was a fake. After we removed the layers of green slade - look what we found underneath -
F/X:	DUSTBIN LID UP
BLUEBOTTLE:	Hello, captain.
HARRY:	Good heavens - a genuine Blue Bottle by El Greco.
B/B:	Yes - Jim El Greco of Finchley. I'm going to be hung in the National Gallery.
HARRY:	Splendid. I must get tickets. So - you were the person behind Greenslade!
B/B:	I was the brains. I was just using his large-type front and posh-type talking to work my way to a position of importance in the BBC.
HARRY:	Silly! There are no positions of importance in the BBC.
MORIARTY:	Sapristi! The question is - where is the Original Neddie Seagoon?
B/B:	My auntie's got an original Neddie Seagoon.
MORIARTY:	Ow ow ow ow! Little friend of man - little nice card­board mate - if I give you this quarter of Dolly mixtures would you show me this original?
B/B:	(MAGIC) Coo! Dolly mixture - THINKS - with that quarter of Dolly mixture I can show him the original thing. Follow me.
ORCHESTRA:	TA RAAAA THIN CHORD. CYMBAL CRASH
B/B:	Part two-
­F/X:	KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS
THYNNE:	Good evening, madame - er ... we understand you have an original.
MIN:	Oh come in, I'll...
B/B:	Hello, Auntie Min ...
MIN:	Young Bottle, why aren't you at school?
B/B:	It's broken up for the winter. They're using it as firewood.
MIN:	Oh I love those old Etonian customs.
THYNNE:	(RESTRAINED IMPATIENCE) Ah ha ha, yes, madame - could we inspect the ... er ... original ...
MIN:	I don't know where Henery put it ...
B/B:	Never mind. I know where it is - in this dustbin.
F/X:	DUSTBIN LID OFF
ECCLES:	Hello!
THYNNE:	This idiot isn't an original Seagoon.
ECCLES:	This idiot is the famous Eccles.
BLOOD:	Wait a minute. I recognise that thin veneer. Quick - get him behind this X-ray screen.
F/X:	ELECTRIC BUZZER - CONTINUOUS SOUND
BLOOD:	Just as I thought. He's had a plate of porridge for breakfast.
HARRY:	(ASIDE) Feed line. (ALOUD) How do you know?
BLOOD:	I can see the plate. Quick! Chuck him in this bath of tur­pentine.
GRAMS:	SPLASH
ECCLES:	Help - Oh, here ...
GRAMS:	SPLASH
ECCLES:	Oh - here-here - Help!
GRAMS:	SPLASH. THEN PRE-RECORDING:
GRAMS:	(HARRY) Ooooh ... help
BLOOD:	Look! Just as I thought - the Eccles has washed away, revealing an original Neddie Seagoon by Elder the Breughel.
HARRY:	Rubbish - that man is not an original Seagoon!
GRAMS:	(HARRY) 'I'll have you know I am!'
HARRY:	What-what-what-what-what-what!
GRAMS:	(HARRY) 'Please don't do that full-face.'
HARRY:	I can prove I'm the original Seagoon. Listen - (SINGS BRIEF FAST SCALE)
GRAMS:	(HARRY) (SINGS SAME THING MUCH HIGHER)
BOTH:	HARRY/GRAMS: (START ARGUING AND SINGING WILDLY)
BLOOD:	Stop! Stop! Now - stand side by side. Now listeners - take a good look - and decide which one you think is the genu­ine Neddie Seagoon. The end follows almost immediately. Good-night. (MUTTERING, GOING OFF) I don't know how we get away with it ...   
ORCHESTRA:	'LUCKY STRIKE'
DURING CLOSING ANNOUNCEMENTS. BLUEBOTTLE ECHOES BILL

BILL:	(OVER MUSIC) That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The pro­gramme was produced by Pat Dixon.
ORCHESTRA: SIG. TUNE UP TO END. (1.50)
(APPLAUSE)

MAX & QUARTET: 'STOMPIN' AT THE SAVOY' (1.10)
(APPLAUSE)