The Goon Show Shifting Sands Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme. Hern: Is the correct answer,and you win the spon prize of a pair of revolving cardbord socks! Hello! Seagoon: Mr Sellers, kindly remove that Hughie Green disguise, and give a rapid impression of the Oozalem Bird! Fx: whoosh, screem! Seagoon: Gone! And never called me 'mother'. Bloodnok: So gather round me lads, while I recount it... Voices: [moans] Bloodnok: [over] Alright, alright, alright. There's a little green-eyed idol, to the north of Catmandoo, but the wind blew up the chimney, just the same. Fx: marching music Bloodnok: And when it came to water, we... [fades off] Fx: marching boots Greenslade: [over] The tail Bloodnok told was of India, nineteen hundered and two, from the year of the same name. Seagoon: Yes. I was fresh out of Sandhurst, and it wasn't long before I joined the army. It was a proud moment, when my batman sewed those two gleaming pips onto the seat of my trousers. Sellers: I see you worked your way up from the bottom, sir. Seagoon: Oops! Sellers: Congratulations on you becoming a second leuitenant. Seagoon: Yes, to think, just a month ago, I was only a Brigadeer. Now let me view myself in the commissioned ranks' only mirror. Fx: mirror smashing Sellers: Ooh, it's never done that before, sir. Seagoon: Well, I'll make damn sure it doesn't do that again. Take it out, and shoot it! Ohhh ho ho, gad, hohoh! How I look forward to a day on the battlefield. Sponley: I say, Seagers, old chap. Seagoon: Why, it's Nigel Sponley, the Third Long Things. Sponley: Yes! Grand news! Seagoon: What Nigel? Sponley: The regiment's sailing tonight for active service! Seagoon: Active service? Does that mean fighting? Sponley: Ehhik! Yes! Seagoon: Ahh my leg! My leg, it's gone. Sponley: Quick! After it! Seagoon: In a few bounds, Nigel Sponley had the leg trapped by the throat, and returned it to me. But it was a close thing. Sponley: Damn close! Seagoon: Ha ha ha hur hur. Sellers: Pardon me, er, leiutenant son, er, sir, the er, C.O. wants to see you in his dressing gown. Seagoon: Right, I'll change at once. Fx: marching music/sounds Fx: door opening/closing Seagoon: Seagoon reporting, sir. C.O.: Come in... Fx: door opening/closing again Seagoon: Thankyou. C.O.: What's your phone number? Seagoon: Spon, three four nine, sir. Fx: phone being dialed C.O.: [over dialing] Spon, three four nine. Fx: phone rings C.O.: Answer that Seagoon. Fx: phone picked up Seagoon: Hello, Seagoon here. C.O.: Seagoon come over to my office right away. Seagoon: Right sir. Fx: phone slammed down Fx: knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock C.O.: Come in. Fx: door opening/closing Seagoon: Seagoon reporting, sir. C.O.: You're a devilish difficult chap to get hold of... Seagoon: Yes sir. I always grease myself, as a precaution. Ha ha ha ha ha. [Seagoon: and C.O.: laugh] C.O.: That's a jolly good one that is! By jove, hoho, oh dear. Seagoon, this is Commander Greenslade, RN. Seagoon: How do you do? Greenslade: Er, Seagoon. I have here the editor of the NAAFI quarterly. ed: How do you do? Gentlemen, I have here, in this cardboard suitcase, Count Jim 'thighs' Moriarty. Moriarty: Owwwwwoooo! ed: Confidential Bus Conductor, to the President of France, and War Correspondent of Health and Sun. Fx: suitcase opens Moriarty: How do you do, gentlemen? I have news. An outpost of the Brisish Empire, is in danger! Seagoon: Tell us something new, mate. Moriarty: What? C.O.: Leiutenant Seagoon, we have it on good authority from our milkman, that the besiged garrison at, er, at Fort Thudd on the frontier of Washeristan has lost it's Union Jack. Seagoon: You mean, our troops don't know what side they're on? C.O.: They know which side they're on, but they can't prove it. Seagoon: Gad! It, it must be hell out there! C.O.: It is! Very well, what we've got to do... Milligan: Here, here, here! What's going on here? Seagoon: Nothing! Milligan: Oh, I'll clear off then. C.O.: Seadune, we want you to take the plans of a Union Jack to Fort Thudd. Seagoon: The plans? C.O.: Yes, you must realise, Seagoon, that all Union Jacks are made from an original set of rare plans, left behind by King Arthur, in an early British waiting room, circa, B.C. Seagoon: You mean... and I say this on behalf of the bewildered listeners... that without those plans, Britian will never be able to build another Union Jack? C.O.: Exacly. Seagoon: I say. Greenslade: Easy, old man. C.O.: Steady Commander! Seagoon: I'll be alright. [aside] What was that all about then? [laughs] C.O.: Seagoon, don't spoil everything, so. Without those, carefully rehearsed moments of dramatic tension, where would the Empire be today, sir? Seagoon: Where it's always been, in Lecister Square! Fx: fanfare Seagoon: Hup! So gentlemen, this is where the story really starts! And here to hold it up, is Max Geldray. Alright lads, down the pub for the old brandy then... Fx: running footsteps Max Geldray Sellers: The Shifting Sonns of Washeristoon Part Flin. Seagoon: With the plans of the Union Jack, secreted in the hip pocket of my hat, I set fire to my socks and set off hot foot, for Fort Thudd. Which was under the command of it's commander, where are this very moment folks, they are playing his signature tune. Fx: fanfare Bloodnok: Ohhhhhhuhohohoho!Oh oohhhhhohohoho! Oohh! Ooh! Oohhh! Fx: slap Bloodnok: Ohh! That's better. Ohhh, ahh, ohho hooohohoho. Fx: water being poured? Shingz Thingz: Major! Major Bloodnok, sir! The Colonel is coming! Tottenham three, Arsenel two, snow on high ground. Bloodnok: Thank you, thank you. The Colonel? Well chain the brandy to the wall, I, I know his sort. Chinstrap: A glass of port? I don't mind if I do. Thankyou. Bloodnok: By the great leather puttees of Gemadar Goldstien! [?] Colonel Chinstrap, it's you, sir! Chinstrap: Yes sir, Colonel Chinstrap is always me. Bloodnok: What a fortunate co-incidence for you both. Chinstrap: Well if you insist Dennis, just a [garbled] Bloodnok: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Fx: cork popping, followed by a large amount of brandy being poured Bloodnok: [over] Oh hohohooo. Enough? Chinstrap: Oh, just a spot more. Bloodnok: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Fx: more brandy Bloodnok: Cheers. Fx: glasses being raised Chinstrap: [over] Cheers. Bloodnok: Have another? Chinstrap: Oh, just a small one, please... Fx: more brandy Bloodnok: Cheers. Chinstrap: Cheers. Fx: glasses being raised again Chinstrap: This is very good. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Bloodnok: Spot more? Chinstrap: Oh, no, no. I think it's about time you had one. Bloodnok: Yes, yes, yes, ahh yes, I will then. Chinstrap: [laughs] Bloodnok: Ah ha! Ahhh. Oahhh. Ohhh [garbled] Ohhhh. Ahhh. Does you good, you know, doesn't it? Chinstrap: Oh, definately. I say Dennis.. Bloodnok: Yes, yes? Chinstrap: Anything happened during the night? Bloodnok: Um, [cough], oh, in the night? Chinstrap: Yes. Bloodnok: Oh the night, yes. Well Humphry, the fort was attacked by fifteen thousand tribesmen, but they were driven off by a frenzied streaking figure, waving a whiskey bottle. Chinstrap: Good heavens! Who was it? Bloodnok: You, sir! Chinstrap: Are you sure Dennis? Bloodnok: Am I sure? Chinstrap: Yeah. Bloodnok: Of course I'm sure! Chinstrap: Well, thankyou. Bloodnok: You weren't the only one in that nightshirt, you know. Ohhhhh, it was hell in there! Well... Fx: more brandy Bloodnok: Bottoms up! Chinstrap: Cheers. Fx: more brandy Bloodnok: [over] Ohh hohohohoho. Fx: glasses clinking Chinstrap: I have a toast... Bloodnok: Yes? Chinstrap: Here's to the old country, sir! Fx: glasses clinking Bloodnok: Huum? W-what old country? Chinstrap: Any old country. Bloodnok: Yes! Chinstrap: Cheers! Bloodnok: Cheers! Cheers. Fx: drinking noises [stifled laughs probably] Bloodnok: Aha! Oh! Well now Colonel, I suppose you're wondering why you sent for me... Chinstrap: Yes, I... I say... Just a minute, just a minute my boy... Bloodnok: What, what? Chinstrap: [off] Quiet out there! [back again] Blasted goldfish. Bloodnok: They should wear slippers, you know. Chinstrap: Well if you insist, just a bit... Bloodnok: Yes... Fx: door being opened Milligan: Ere! What's going on here? Bloodnok: Nothing. Milligan: I'll clear off then. Fx: more brandy followed by gunshots Bloodnok: Look! The, the relief column's arrived! Chinstrap: Send her in. Fx: door opening, followed by a tram coming to a halt Bloodnok: Great Scott! It's a forty-nine tram! Chinstrap: Then it's one of our's! Bloodnok: Yes! Seagoon: Gentlemen! Here are the plan for the Union Jack you so desperately need. Bloodnok: Hooray, hooray. Seagoon: Sorry I'm late, gentlemen, but your fort is twenty miles further north than it says on the map Chinstrap: Twenty miles further north? Then it's happened again. This fort was built on shifting sands, and your combined extra weight, must have set it going north again. Bloodnok: You're right colonel! Look out of the wall. Seagoon: Great spons of galloping hun! The fort's crossing the frontier end of Washeristan! Fx: knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock Bloodnok: Oooooohhhhoooohoo! Ohohohohoho! Oh, I recognise that knocking. It's the devilish Washeri tribal chief, the Wad of Char. Fx: knock knock knock knock Ellington: [off]Let me in Bloodnok! Or I'll open this door, cor blimey! Fx: door opening Ellington: Now! Bloodnok: Curse! He knew the combination of the hinges! Chinstrap: I say, sir! Ask him what he wants, while I climb out the window. Ellington: Come back! Your fort now resting on my father's domain. Bloodnok: How painful for him... Ellington: I warn you Bloodnok! Your fort is now in the sacred carpark of El Bow. Cost you seven and six an hour, mate. Pay by cash cheque, at sunrise, or, we attack! Bloodnok: I'm warning you, Wad of Char, unless you withdraw that threat by dawn, we'll pay! Ellington: Alright, mate! And now, my latest number, Yim Bom Bala Boo. Bloodnok: You filthy swine, you! Ray Ellington Fx: fanfare Greenslade: The Shifting Sands of Washeristan, part three, The Shifting Sands of Washeristan. Seagoon: Quite right, yes. Greenslade: Through the night... Seagoon: Yes? Greenslade: ...on the fort's battlements... Seagoon: Yes, yes, yes? Greenslade: ...British Soldiers... Seagoon: Ooooh, yes? Greenslade: ...stood to, for the expected attack. Seagoon: Right! Fx: wind Bluebottle: Are you wearing your long winter drawers Eccles? Eccles: Noooooo, I'm not wearing my winter drawers, actually. No. Bluebottle: [over] Ohh. Eccles: No, no, I, I never wear them, 'bottle. Bluebottle: Cor! Aren-aren't you afraid of going round without any of them? Eccles: No. Bluebottle: Cor! Coo, what courage. Do you know you are a second Wyatt Earp? Eccles: Doesn't Wyatt Earp wear long drawers? Bluebottle: I do not know, I have never looked up his trouser leg. Eccles: I'll tell you something. Bluebottle: What? Eccles: I, I looked up my dad's trousers, once... Bluebottle: Ooooh! Eccles: ...and I discovered something! Bluebottle: What? Eccles: That's where he keeps his legs! Bluebottle: Ohhh! Eccles: Bottle? Bluebottle: What? Eccles: You ever seen your daddy's legs? Bluebottle: No. He always takes them to work with him. Eccles: Ohh. What for bottle? Bluebottle: He uses them to stop his trousers from bending. Eccles: I find that, that's good, that, that's good, um, #a lettum to a dustmun, takes my dust away, a letter to a dustman# Bluebottle: Eeeaah! Eccles! Do not look now! Right behind you there's a pair of great big naked legs... Eccles: Oooohoh. Legs? Bluebottle: Yeah. Eccles: Whose are they? Bluebottle: I'll look up his trouses and see... Eccles: Oo! Bluebottle: Aaaaah. It's Ray Ellingeton. Ellington: Yes! But me playing part of Wad of Char. Bluebottle: Ooohoey! The enemy! Immeadiately attacks for Ingeland. Hit hit, fight, hit hit hit, strike. Hit strike hit strike, fight, hit! Hit hit, hit hit hit hit, hit, hit! Knees fall off, collapses, looses. Ellington: Aw, listen, little spirit of Embaya[?]. Bluebottle: Eaaaahayy! Ellington: You give me the key to fort gates, and me give you, four ounces dolly mixture. Bluebottle: Ohoooyyeah! Every man has got his price. Here is the key. Ellington: And here, is four ounces dolly mixture. Good bye, mate. Fx: whoosh Bluebottle: Puts leading dolly mixture into dinner hole. Savours morcel. Tup tup tup tup tup tup tup. Eayyyehoohoo! Eaaeheheyhey! I have been tricked! These dolly mixtures are forgeries! Made from compressed senna pods! Faints with horror, faint, fall, thud. Seagoon: What's going on here? Who's this soldier sleeping on guard? Good heavens! Private Bluebottle! Bluebottle: Captain! I have done a terrible thing! I gave the key the fort gate to the dredded Wad of Char. Seagoon: What? You'll be shot for this! Take aim. Fire! Fx: bang Bluebottle: Thankyou Captain. Can I go home now? Seagoon: Colonel, what are we gonna do? Chinstrap: We'll have to drink our way out. Fx: gunshots, horns, general men in battle type noises Eccles: [over]What dat what dat what dat? Bloodnok: Ohhh! The Washeris are attacking! Eccles: Wahaoooo! Bloodnok: Ahhooooahoho! Eccles: Wahaoooooo! Bloodnok: Ahhooooahoa! Seagoon: Ahahaoooho! Bloodnok: Anybody got a hole in the ground? Seagoon: Bloodnok! This is a fine time to turn coward! Bloodnok: I know, that's why I chose it! Chinstrap: Gentlemen... Fx: more brandy Chinstrap: ...we'll drink our way out. Bloodnok: [over]A good idea. Chinstrap: I'll lead the way.. Seagoon: You can't drink your way out of this! These tribesmen are tough! There's only one language the Washeris understand: Washeri. Chinstrap: Splendid. I'll address the hoards from the battlements, in their own language. [off] I say you Washeris, sumjandempuken jipdesi handserup paysbon. They're not answering.. Bloodnok: Hey, what? Let me try, Humphrey. Chinstrap: Yes, thankyou. Bloodnok: Ahhahaha. Atooremuckim toraychar bombay bibi boderchar. You're right, they're not answering, you know. Ohhhohoho. Chinstrap: Perhaps it's er, half day closing... Bloodnok: Yes. Seagoon: No wait! Wait. Hoyoyoyoyoyoy wait! Chinstrap: Yes, I couldn't agree more. Seagoon: What are those lumps at the bottom of the foothills? Eccles: Poles! Seagoon: Shut up Eccles. Everyone: Shut up Eccles! Seagoon: Gentlemen look! They're hauling Thin Tom, their long range cannon, into position. Bloodnok: They're loading! Chinstrap: By gad, sir! They're lighting the fuse. Sellers: They're, they're pointing it e-at us. Bloodnok: They're going to fire it! Seagoon: I wonder what they're up to? ??: Yes..? Fx: wheeeeeeeoooooooo Bloodnok: [over]Duck! Fx: boooom, cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck CLUCK cluck cluck cluck cluck[chicken noises] Seagoon: That's no duck, that's a chicken! Chinstrap: By gad, sir, they're firing hens at us! Bloodnok: A fowl trick! Chinstrap: Eggsactly. Milligan: We're being shelled! Seagoon: Stop cracking yolks! Voices: Waaa! Fx: drum roll, cymbals, shortly followed by gunshots Greenslade: Through the long night, the Washeris attacked, firing their bullets from the hidden position, inside their rifle barrels. Then at dawn, good tidings. Voices: Mutter, rhubarb rhubarb, good tidings, rhubarb rhubarb, mutter mumble... Crun: Gentlemen of the board, we have worked all night, and completed the Union Jack, owing to the shortage, I was forced to build it of wood. Chinstrap: Wood? How is it going to wave? Crun: I've put hinges down the middle. Chinstrap: Thankyou. Seagoon: Great news! Hoist it up the flagpole. Crun: Not yet, we can't, can't do that yet, you see, I used the flagpole to build the flag.. Minnie: Yes you see, be-becau, got the, em the, what? Whatsat? Crun: Ohhhh...? Minnie: Ohhhhhohoho. We'll be... Chinstrap: I say, what's that? Seagoon: It's the fort! It's sliding back on the shifting sands towards India. Look! I see the frontier approaching. Fx: knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock Seagoon: There it is at the back door now! Fx: door opening Sellers: Good morning, gentlemen, British Customs Officers... Milligan: Yes, indeed. #That's who we arrrre!# Sellers: Are you bringing any wines, or spirits into the country? Chinstrap: Only a, flask full of brandy, sir. Sellers: How much does it hold? Chinstrap: Forty-eight gallons. Sellers: I wondered why your trousers were round your ankles. Forty-eight gallons, eh? That'll be seventy-five pounds in anners. Seagoon: Anna doesn't live here anymore! Sellers: I was told that Anna stays 'ere! [Anastasia] Seagoon: A magnificent film. Sellers: You can't take this fort across into India, until you get rid of that brandy. Chinstrap: Gentlemen... Seagoon: Yes? Chinstrap: ...we'll have to drink our way out of this! Seagoon: Right! Volunteers, one pace forward, march! Fx: many one pace forwards Seagoon: Name? Chinstrap: Chinstrap, late of one pace back. Good health! Fx: drinking/gurgling/bubbling noises Chinstrap: Gulp, gulp, gulp... Greenslade: [over]That was all fifty scree years ago. But to this day, a white stone, marks the spot, where Chinstrap saved the day. Sellers: Yes, and it carries this simple enscription. Here lies Colonel Chinstrap. Drowned, from the inside. Seagoon: That's it! All round the pub for the old [garbled] brandy. Voices: [agreement] Fx: footsteps to the pub, followed by closing music Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, and Jack Train, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Pat Dixon.