Greenslade: This is the BBC.

Harry: (Hern) Fasten your boot straps as we present Jim Verne's "Round the World in 80 Days, or money refunded".

Orch: scratchy violin

Greenslade: (Hern) Part one, the Rock and Roll room at the Athenaeum Club, in 1883.

Grams: Rock and Roll

Spike: (Lord Taverner - Duffer – no teeth) I say, Lord Seagoon, that tune was a real sizzler.

Ned: Yes Lord Taverner, it was written by that fellow, whozit?

Sellers: (Duffer) Nonsense, I bet you five pounds it wasn’t. It was written by whatdoyoucallum?

Bloodnok: You’re both wrong gentlemen, it was written by whatsisname! So you both loose.

FX: cash register

Bloodnok: Thank you, and the next dance please.

Greenslade: Such was the wild gambling that went on every night in the Athenaeum Club at the close of the last century. Then, one night……

FX: police whistles – running feet

Spike: (shouts) Apprehend that miscreant! Stop him…..stop him!

Ned: Listen gentlemen! There are members of the British Constabulary running through the streets, blowing whistles!

Sellers: (Duffer) What? You’d think they’d grow out of it, wouldn’t you? Foley!

Spike: (Foley) Yes sir.

Sellers: (Duffer) What’s happening?

Spike: (Foley) There are two gentlemen of unknown quantity approaching at speed.

FX: running feet getting closer – door opens

Moriarty: (panting) Quick! In here, Grytpype!

Grytpype: (panting) Yes. If anybody asks, say that we are on the run from the police.

Moriarty: But we are!

Grytpype: Yes, but who’s believe a silly story like that?

Ned: (approaching) I say, look here you chaps!

Moriarty: What?!

Ned: How dare you burst into the Athenaeum, dressed as convicts?

Grytpype: Isn’t tonight carnival night?

Ned: Rubbish! It’s ladies night. You don’t think I wear a skirt and blouse every night, do you?

Moriarty: Oh ho ho ho ho!

Ned: Explain who you are!

Grytpype: Moriarty, hand him my personal greetings telegram.

Moriarty: Here it is, in the plain wrappers.

Ned: Ta. (reads) "To Lord Seagoon." Why! It is for me!

Grytpype: Is it? Ha ha.

Ned: (reads) "Happy birthday from the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne-Spon-Thud."

Grytpype: And this early French convict is none other than (and I quote from his death certificate) Count Villion de Jim "Thighs" (Moriarty: Owww.) Moriarty; gold medallist road sweeper to Penge district and international knotted-string consultant.

Ned: But wait, what, whit, whoot? What whatwhatwhat? Dear listeners, I suddenly noticed that both strangers were carrying a bulging leather safe inscribed "Property of the Bank of England – stop thief."

Grytpype: It’s all a lie.

Moriaty: All a lie Neddie.

Grytpype: We drew this money to make a wager.

Moriarty: Yes, we heard that you were a very sporting gentleman and always ready for a game.

Ned: Who told you?

Grytpype: The chambermaid upstairs.

Ned: What?! It’s all a lie, I tell you! We’re just good friends. However, gentlemen, put down your penguins and explain this sporting offer on a piece of paper.

Grytpype: Neddie, you are 21 today?

Ned: Thanks to brandy, yes.

Grytpype: Likewise, Count Moriarty is 21 today

Moriarty: Thanks to formulin! (waits for audience laughter) No doctors in the house; carry on.

Grytpype: Neddie, my dear friend, the Count, wagers you a thousand sovereigns that you can’t reach the age of 22 before him.

Ned: You mean, who ever becomes 22 first takes the kitty?

Grytpype: Of course, and the money. (waits for audience laughter) You’ll have to see them quicker than that.

Ned: I accept, here’s my thousand sovereigns.

FX: lots of small change

Moriarty: And here’s mine.

FX: single penny dropped

Grytpype: Thank you gentlemen.

Moriarty: Owwww

Ned: Wait a minute, supposing there’s a dead heat?

Grytpype: Then I, as stakeholder, take the money. But I ask you Neddie (laughs) how many times in a race does a dead heat occur? Very rarely….

Ned: You’re right, I agree, you are perfectly correct, I acquiesce, (Moriarty: He’s acquiescing), I concur (Moriarty: He concurs). Yes, I assent (Moriarty: He’s assenting), I am of the same mind (Moriarty: He’s of the same mind), I am at one with you (Moriarty: He is at one with us), I conform (Moriarty: He conforms), I defer (Moriarty: He defers), I am in accord (Moriarty: He’s in accord), I agree, I agree (sings) I agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Grytpype: You’ll get a punch up the conk…Now then, for the age race, on your laundry marks!

Moriarty: Yes?

Grytpype: Get set! But first; Mox Gildrong!

Ned: Right, round the back for the old brandy!

FX: running feet

Max - "You’ve got me in Between the Devil and the Deep, Blue Sea"

Grytpype: As I was saying, gentlemen, before we were so rudely interrupted by that Dutch fiend, for the age race, on your birth marks! Get Set! Bang!

GRAMS: feet running under

GRAMS: Moriarty: We’re off lad

GRAMS: Ned: You’ll never beat me Moriarty. I’m wearing my new running strap! Ha ha.

GRAMS (speeds up) Moriarty: Don’t worry. My legs are oiled to perfection I tell you! You’ll never catch up with me!

GRAMS: (speeded up) Ned: Don’t you believe it Moriarty!

GRAMS: (faster and faster until unintelligible) Moriarty: I believe it, I believe it! I’ve been freshly oiled………

GRAMS: Ned, Moriarty and running feet fade out

GRAMS: one pair of running feet approach from far away

Ned: (panting) All that day, I ran. And, gradually, I outdistanced Count Moriarty by sheer distance. Whereupon, despite the power of his steaming French legs, he fell behind. To my horror, I discovered that he reached the following day at exactly the same time as I did. Was this a trick? (Moriarty: Owww) Obviously I could never get ahead of him by merely running. I sought the advice of an old army confederate.

Orch: Bloodnok theme

FX: keys rattling

Bloodnok: Aeiough….

FX: door is unlocked and creaks open

Throat: There’s a bloke to see you!

Bloodnok: Oh, Neddie!

Ned: Major. You know all about time don’t you?

Bloodnok: Well, I’ve done my share of it, yes.

Ned: Tell me, how did you get old so quickly?

Bloodnok: Go and see Doctor Crun, the Harley Street specialist.

Ned: What’s his address?

Bloodnok: Lyle Street. Before you see him, it would be wise for you to invest in one of my Rock-hopper Penguins.

GRAMS: penguin (first bit of "Fred the Oyster")

Ned: Just what I need! A left-handed penguin!

Bloodnok: Shall I wrap him up?

Ned: Just a scarf and overcoat.

FX: cash register

Bloodnok: Oh, melody divine. Thank you.

Ned: Good-bye Major.

Bloodnok: Good-by Neddie, I’ll come with you.

GRAMS: whoosh

Greenslade: Now, Round the World in 80 Days, part two. Perhaps you’d like to make a note on that piece of paper. Incidentally, please save these pieces of paper, later in the program, you’ll be told what to do with them. Now we join overseas listeners in a visit to a lonely, rain swept Yorkshire Moor.

GRAMS: thunder, pouring rain

Eccles: (sings) On Ilkley Moor ba tat, On Ilkley Moor ba tat, On Ilkley Mooooooor ba tat.

Ned: Perhaps you’d like to make a note of that on a piece of paper? And now, as I load my penguin, over to Doctor Crun’s consulting room, with piano accompaniment. Hup!

Orch: (Sellers) Bad piano

FX: footsteps

Henry: (mouth noises)

Greenslade: Thank you.

Henry: Now sir, just sit on this string bench and put your legs through the knotholes.

FX: ratchet

Greenslade: Ohhhhhhh.

Henry: You had to go "Ow". Now, hold this bowl of custard (FX: spoon rattling Greenslade: Right.) Stand in this hip bath of lukewarm Irish stew (Greenslade: Alright. FX: slurping) and finally, and in conclusion, hold these two plates of jellied ells at arms length……Now Mr Greenslade, what seems to be the trouble?

Greenslade: Well, I work for the BBC, and you see…..

Henry: Oh, I can’t cure that. Just swallow these meals, three times a day, after medicine. (shouts) Nurse Bannister?

Min: (off mic) Ohhhhh, oh (walks towards mic)

Henry: Nurse!

Min: What is it, Crun?

Henry: Put the leeches back in their cages.

Min: Right-o. Come on you naughty leeches. Come on.

GRAMS: tigers roar, whip cracking under

Min: Back, back Nero, back Rajah, back Satan! Get back you devils! You hairy devils!

Henry: (to audience) You know, they’re really tigers, but if I told her that she’d want more money you know. Perhaps you’d like to make a note of that on a piece of paper?

Min: I have! Oh dear, oh dear, dear, dear. Those leeches are getting too big for their boots.

Henry: Well, I can’t afford any more money for leech boots, I tell you.

Min: I’ll make a note of that on a piece of paper Henry.

Henry: Now you naughty Min, lay the operating table for dinner.

Min: We can’t have dinner yet.

Henry: What?!

Min: The waiting room’s crammed full.

Henry: What?! Who’s in it?

Min: Harry Secombe.

Ned: What, what, what, what, what, what? I heard that!

Min: Oh, we’ll all be murdered in our beds.

GRAMS: penguin

Henry: Ah, just a moment. What’s in that leather paper parcel?

Ned: A penguin.

Henry: What?! How dare you bring wild animals into my consulting room?!

GRAMS: elephant trumpet

Henry: Min.

Min: What?

Henry: The elephant wants to go out.

GRAMS: elephant trumpet under

Min: Oh, I don’t know what we keep him for. (shouts) Shut up, you big hairy monster. Shut up! Shut up!…….I don’t know what we keep him for, he never barks at burglars, ever.

Henry: Now sir, what can I do for you?

Ned: Wlllloooooooo wolloooooooo argghhhhhhhhh argghh.

Henry: You’ve been round the back for the old brandy again, haven’t you?

Ned: It’s a lie, a lie I tell you, all lies! I never touch brandy or energy pills I tell you! I’ve come here for your old age treatment.

Henry: Oh, well you’ll have to come round the back with me.

Ned: What for?

Henry: The old brandy you know. I’ll take your cloth clothes off.

FX: ripping

Ned: (high pitched) Whoops! There!

Henry: Ohhhhhhhhh? Well now Mr Seagoon, how many years older do you want to get?

Ned: Two!

Henry: I see. Over here is a special rapid plastic aging type process room. In you go.

FX: door opens and closes

Ned: (gulps) Hem..Hello?

Ellington: All right. Start running!

Ned: Help! This man’s got a great big chopper! Help! He’ll have me head off! Help!

FX: two sets of running footsteps round in a big circle

Ned: (Doppler effect) Help!

Greenslade: So Seagoon was chased through the night by a great Afghan Chief with a chopper. To make matters worse, Ray Ellington decided to sing.

Ray "All Day, All Night, Mary-Anne"

FX: two sets of running footsteps round in a big circle

Ned: (Doppler effect) Help! (under)

Greenslade: Despite the agony of being chased all night by a mad man with a naked chopper, Seagoon still didn’t get any older than Moriarty.

Ned: (panting) Then I discovered that by travelling around the world in an Easterly direction, and crossing the international dateline, I could gain one day. Thereby getting a day older than Moriarty (sings) and winning the thousand pounds!

Orch: (Sellers) bad piano

FX: telephone ring

Ned: Hello. Who’s that?

Eidleburger: Justin Eidleburger. We are hearing zat you are going round ze world. Permit us to offer ze use of Britain’s only self-drive Zeppelin service. Geblunden Schnitz Golf Geblerden! Cheap rates, and no objection for penguins.

Ned: Splendid. I’ll meet you at dawn tomorrow, at about 11 o’clock.

Eidleburger: Right!……And, darling…..?

Orch: romantic music under

Ned: Yes?

Eidleburger: Do be careful; you’re all I’ve got.

Ned: Don’t worry Eidleburger. I’m wearing hermetically sealed, creosote socks.

Eidleburger: It must be hell in there.

Orch: Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Alles

Ned: In the early light of the following dawn, I saw the great, cigar-shaped monster.

Bloodnok: Yes Neddie, it’s me.

Ned: Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Neddie, I’m coming along, to keep you supplied with fresh penguins.

Ned: Right! (shouts) All aboard! Raise the anchor, and start the old background music there.

Orch: nautical music

OMNES: nautical-type shouts

GRAMS: propeller under

FX: pen scratching under

Ned: Log of the Zeppelin: August the third of September, heading Sou’Nor’East’West. Over English Channel, which appears to be flooded.

Eidleburger: Lord Seagoon? I must inform you zat zis Zeppelin is highly inflame-able. Therefore, Rauchen ist Verboten! Nicht Rauchen! Defence de Fumé! Nicht Fumé! Nicht Rauchen! RAUCHEN VERBOTEN!!!

Ned: Cigarette?

Eidleburger: Zank you.

GRAMS: explosion

Eidleburger: Geblunden verschitz!! Zese cigarettes are strong!

Ned: I know, they’re made of iron.

Spike (German) Captain Eidleburger, zis message has just come through ze electic mangle.

Eidleburger: Geblungen! It’s a tale of ze Keiser’s shirt! Play it on zis gramophone immediately!

GRAMS: Crackly record of Spike: (German) "As from today, Germany is no longer at peace with England."

Orch: (Sellers) bad piano

Ned: What?! This means war!

Eidleburger: Ja. But you haf already paid for your journey, so we are duty bound to take you round the world in 80 days! But, from now on, a state of naughty hostilities must exist between us.

GRAMS: military bugle, sounds of fighting

Bloodnok: Neddie, this is terrible! World War One on board a Zeppelin.

Ned: I know Major.

Bloodnok: These parcels of reinforcements just arrived from England!

Ned: Let’s have a look!

FX: ripping

Ned: I asked for the Grenadier Guards. I wonder what they have sent me..

Bluebottle: Bluebottle of the Finchley Wolf Cubs!

Ned: Good heavens. What do you know about fighting Germans?

Bluebottle: What do I know?! I woke up one morninge and found a German under my bed. In a flash, I sprange towards him…With the power of muscles and knotted string, and reinforced cardboard braces, I shot out my left fist! "Hit, hit, hit, hit!" I went! "Strike, thud, blat, blun!" English left, "Crunch! Stike, thud, blen! Blunge! Hit, hithithithithit! Blunge, hit, fist!"

Ned: Wait a minute. What was he doing all this time?

Bluebottle: I couldn’t see; he’d locked me in the cupboard.

Ned: Yes…..Stand over there.

Bluebottle: But dat’s outside de Zeppelin.

Ned: Just testing you lad.

Bluebottle: Eh he he

Ned: Well listen, listen, what’s in the other parcel?

Eccles: (muffled - sings) When you walk in de Garden, de Garden of Eden.. um diddle-i-do.. ‘Ello, Neddie! ‘Ello Neddie….melodies divine…De War Office has sent me to help you.

Ned: Bloodnok, take that scented rose from behind your ear and hand me that woollen microphone.

Bloodnok: Oh, there.

Ned: Hello folks! Neddie Seagoon calling the studio audience. Fasten your safety belts; in a few moments we’ll be crossing the international dateline! Then, I’ll be one day older than Moriarty, thus winning the age race!

GRAMS: penguin

Bloodnok: Neddie, the penguin’s ready to attack the front half of the Zeppelin.

Ned: Splendid! Charge!

GRAMS: penguin - military bugle - sounds of fighting

Bluebottle: Dis way, Captain, dis way! Let’s see what’s behind dis door, here!

FX: door opens

GRAMS: splash

Little Jim: He’s fallen in da wa-ter.

Ned: Curse! The wrong door, but the right Bluebottle! This must be the control cabin, here.

FX: door opens

Ned: Hands up! Not you, you idiot.

Eccles: Sorry.

Moriarty: Aha! It’s little, steaming Neddie!

Ned: Moriarty?! What are you doing at the front end of the Zeppelin?

Grytpype: He has just crossed the international dateline ahead of you, Neddie, thereby fil de se, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. (aside) Perhaps listeners would like to make a note of that on a piece of paper.

Ned: Right, well, that’s the lot for tonight then, innit?

Grytpype: Yes.

Ned: Well, er, round the corner for the old brandy then!

GRAMS: feet running away

Greenslade: About those pieces of paper, I suggest you use them for writing in complaints about these dull endings of the Goon Show. Good night.

Orch: sig tune

Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer, Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.