THE TREASURE IN THE TOWER
Series 8, number 5Transcribed from the "Pick of the Goons" Series version.
Greenslade: This is the BBC. We quote from the Manchester Guardian 7 – 10 – 57.
"Excavations which began in May at the Tower of London have now been completed without the discovery of any buried treasure. This was announced by the Ministry of Works".
First man: Yeah. That’s where the old taxpayers’ money goes.
Second man: Yes, those excavations were carried out to find information about the war.
Seagoon: Yes, folks. Yes, folks, and now there’s a mad lot (?) for the all leather Goon
Show.
Orch: (chords)
Greenslade: The story starts in the year sixteen hundred.
Minstrel: (sings) My master is away on American shores,
In Inca and Peru,
He simply walks the battlements,
And the time is half past two.
F.X.: (bell strikes)
Eccles: Halt! Who goes there?
F.X.: (bell strikes)
Eccles: Advance, donggg, and be recognized!
Seagoon: Lower your finger, sentry, it is I, Sir Walter Raleigh.
Eccles: Sir Walter Raleigh? Got any fags?
Seagoon: Listen now, good spearman Eccles. We are about to embark upon a plot. You see
yon treasure chest I am holding? Get hold of the other end.
Eccles: Okay. Oooh, this is heavy.
Seagoon: Now grab hold of this end.
Eccles: Okay.
F.X.: (sound of running feet getting closer)
Seagoon: Right, now you’ve got both ends.
Eccles: Wait on. I’ve only got this end.
Seagoon: Nonsense. (shouts) Who’s got the other end?
Eccles: (far off) It’s me.
Eccles: (close by) Oh, it is me (laughter) I’m holding both ends.
Seagoon: There you are, folks, let’s see them do that on television!
Eccles: Ahaha.
Pirate leader: (pirate sounds) , Cap’n. I’ve got a boat standing by with the oars ticking over.
Haha.
Seagoon: Right, then here is the plin the plot.
Pirate laeder: (more pirate sounds)
Seagoon: This chest contains certain treasure which I intend to smuggle home and bury in
the Tower of London.
Pirate leader: Right, sir. I’ll just get my book of the hairy sea phrases out, sir. All hairy hands
aloft, the hairy.
Other pirates: (jabbering sounds)
F.X.: (sailing music)
Greenslade: That was in sixteen hundred. I say, it was jolly noisy, wasn’t it? However, our
story continues in 1957 at a meeting of the Ministry of Works.
Chairman: I tell you all, there has been a great …(undecipherable) .. of power ..
(undecipherable) .. England forever, and buckets of Whitehall.
Voice: .. (undecipherable) mine for the drains at Hackney, or for the pound at Battersea.
Omnes: Hear, hear!
F.X.: (clapping)
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, I must read Hansard tomorrow.
Moriarty: Why? Has he written another book?
Seagoon: Quiet, please, at the back.
Moriarty: What, what!
Seagoon: And short at the sides.
Moriarty: You’ll get a punch up the conk!
Seagoon: Gentlemen, could we close the doors, please?
F.X.: (many doors closing)
Seagoon: Right, now we are all outside, we can speak freely. About these excavations we
are carrying out in the Tower..
Voice: You found any treasure, then?
Seagoon: What? You know very well we are only digging down to see if the walls of the
Tower are safe. I’m afraid the result was a failure.
Voice: Uh, uh. A failure? Why?
Seagoon: (sadly) We didn’t find any treasure.
Voice: You.. you couldn’t have .. you couldn’t have been .. you couldn’t have been
digging .. you couldn’t have been digging in .. you couldn’t have been digging in the .. you couldn’t have been digging in the .. in the right place.
Milligan (as himself): I just made that up! Hahahaha.
Seagoon: It took a while to get that out.
Voice: Oh, ho.
Seagoon: This is the right place alright, but the treasure wasn’t there.
Voice: The treasure’s buried in the wrong place?
Seagoon: Precisely.
Voice: Then why don’t we dig there?
Seagoon: Come, it would be folly to dig for it in the wrong place.
Voice: What.. what we must do is to find the right wrong place. What we’ve been
digging in is the wrong right place.
Seagoon: I second that. Now I suggest we consult a treasure expert.
F.X.: (feet running closer)
Grytpype-Thynne: My card!
Seagoon: The speaker was a tall pale man clad in livery.
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, and this tall livery man clad in a pail is Count Jim I-must-get-those-
hinges-on-my-socks-oiled Moriarty…
Moriarty: Owww.
Grytpype-Thynne: … world bankruptcy champion for the year ending 1957. I am Grytpype-
Thynne, treasure expert.
Seagoon: Meet me at ten regarding the recovery of the treasure.
Grytpype-Thynne: The recovery, my boy, is free. It is the digging that comes out a little
expensive.
Seagoon: How much?
Grytpype-Thynne: Well, each shovel full of earth excavated will be posted to you, and you
will remit by return post one guinea.
Seagoon: I accept. When do you start excavating?
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!
Moriarty: (sound of digging and straining sounds)
Seagoon: Please, it’s no good digging here. The treasure’s at the Tower of London.
Grytpype-Thynne: Ah, but we’re approaching it from underneath, you see. That way we
avoid the traffic at Oxford Circus.
Seagoon: So, that’s how you do it. Hand me that shovel, I want to get home early tonight.
Grytpype-Thynne: Where do you live?
Seagoon: In a hole in the ground.
Grytpype-Thynne: An ideal position for hearing Max Geldray and his old Dutch conk.
Moriarty, a quick "owww".
Moriarty: Owww.
Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid.
(Geldray and orchestra)
Greenslade: The Treasure in the Tower, part 2.
Orch: ("sinister" chords)
Greenslade: Let us go back to that fateful night aboard the ship in the year 1600.
Orch: (sea music)
Seagoon: Right. Gather round, shipmates.
F.X.: (sound of feet running closer)
Seagoon: ‘Twas a dark and stormy night, and the Captain said to one of his men "Tell us a
story", and the following story I told. Now, (muttering off) .. I don’t wish to know that!.. Now, you see this map of the Tower?
Eccles: No.
Seagoon: Listen, you nit, this is radio. You don’t have to see a real map.
Eccles: Oooh, ooh, then I see it.
Seagoon: Where? Where? Aha, yes, of course. Now, when we arrive there, we’re going to
bury the treasure there.
Eccles: Oooooh.
Seagoon: And then, (unintelligible jabbering)
Greenslade: Meanwhile, back in 1957, dawn is striking midnight over the Tower of London.
The guard commander discharges his duties.
Orch: (Bloodnok introduction music)
Bloodnok: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, not so loud, please. Do you want to wake the sentries up?
They’ve had a hard day posing for tourists, you know. Now, another fortune of Raven Park. Yes, our speciality de la char, de la char de laundra. Oh, oh, dear oh dear. Now, I usually have a knock on the door about here.
F.X.: (knock on door)
Bloodnok: There it is! Dead on time, the old twelve-twenty-three. I wonder who the driver
is.
F.X.: (door opens)
Man: It’s me, sir.
(voice): Ha ha ha.
Bloodnok: Gad, it’s guardsman Tom Urals. I say, wait a moment. Who else is in your
battledress with you?
Spriggs: It’s me, Jim. (sings) Me, Jim.
Bloodnok: Rattle me cruddlers! It’s rifleman Spriggs. Let go, sir.
Spriggs: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Two men sharing one uniform (sings) sharing one uniform.
Bloodnok: Do you know that you are not allowed to sub-let your battledress?
(voice): But he’s only occupying the basement.
Bloodnok: Gad, it must be hell down there! Wait a moment, I believe I can hear footsteps in
your boots.
Chief Ellington: Yes, man, that’s me.
Bloodnok: Good heavens, that means there’s three men in one battledress.
Sinjers-Thingh: Ah, Major, Major, Major, Major, Major Bloodnok.
Bloodnok: It’s Havilder Sinjers-Thingh!
Singers-Thingh: Major, sir, I hear strange noises coming from underneath the Crown
Jewels-type room.
Bloodnok: Oh, aagh. Hand me my beaded jewellers’ glass. Now, take this photo of me
holding a gun and go and challenge them.
Orch: (chords)
F.X.: (sound of digging)
Grytpype-Thynne: Now, according to Seagoon’s instructions on this shovel, the treasure’s
right above us, Moriarty.
Moriarty: Owww. Just a few more strokes of this. Ah, owww.
F.X.: (sound of falling debris)
Grytpype-Thynne: I can see daylight! You’re through, Moriarty!
Moriarty: You mean, I’m fired? (laughter)
Grytpype-Thynne: You fool!
Moriarty: Look, look! Aaagh! Treasure! Crowns, sceptres and orbs, and other things
people can’t see on radio.
Grytpype-Thynne: No wonder they couldn’t find the treasure. The fools dug down for it.
This treasure was buried above ground level!
Sentry: Hands up! What are you two doing in the Royal Crown Jewels cage?
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, put this crown on, quick!
Moriarty: Right.
Sentry: Who are you, I say?
Moriarty: I’m the King of England.
Sentry: Oooh, I’ll go and put the kettle on.
Moriarty: Aaagh, he’s gone, Grytpype.
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, your Majesty. Put the treasure in the sack now.
Moriarty: Wait ‘til the Ministry of Works sees this.
Orch: (chords)
Greenslade: Meanwhile, back in 1600, the good ship "Venus" approaches.
Seagoon: Great spollikens! Look yon, silhouetted against the darkness, I see the Tower of
London!
Greenslade: Meantime, back in 1957…
Bloodnok: Gad, silhouetted against the darkness, a wooden galleon sailing into the Pool of
London. Fire!
F.X.: (cannon shot)
Greenslade: Back in 1600…
F.X.: (cannon shot, followed by a splash)
Seagoon: Gadzooks! Someone’s firing at us from yon tower!
Pirate leader: We’d better get the treasure ashore in the hairy longboat, sir. Thar, nor, blast, I
say, blast! We left the treasure chest back in hairy America!
Seagoon: America?
Pirate leader: Hairy.
Seagoon: Hairy Eccles!
Eccles: Hairy Seagoon!
Seagoon: Nip back for it.
Eccles: Right.
F.X.: (splash)
Seagoon: What’s keeping him?
Greenslade: Meantime, in 1957, two figures with Crown Jewels creep along, which makes the
people in 1600 say..
Seagoon: Gadzooks! What strangely clad mortals!
Grytpype-Thynne: Not so loud, Moriarty!
Moriarty: Owww, owww.
Grytpype-Thynne: Douse those "owww"s, Moriarty, before people see them. Hurry, here’s
the Ray Ellington spon!
(Ray Ellington and quartet – "The devil and the deep blue sea")
Greenslade: The Treasure in the Tower, part 3. Nineteen fifty-seven.
Seagoon: Ah, gentlemen, come in.
Moriarty: Ah, owww.
(voice): Good news, Mister Minister. We found the buried treasure in the Tower. Look!
F.X.: (sounds of metallic objects dropping - prolonged)
Grytpype-Thynne: There! A sackful of valuable sound effects!
Seagoon: If it weren’t for the fact that they weren’t the Crown Jewels, I’d swear that they
were the Crown Jewels.
Grytpype-Thynne: Little does he know, but they are, folks. But, we’re not going to be
lumbered with them.
Seagoon: There, gentlemen, your fee. Ten thousand pounds in Sterling.
Moriarty: Aaagh!
Grytpype-Thynne: Ta, ta, Neddie. Come, Count. Goodbye, Neddie, a sailor’s farewell.
F.X.: (door closes, then opens)
Grytpype-Thynne: Officer, arrest that man for stealing the Crown Jewels.
Seagoon: What! That …(?) …’s mine! You can’t arrest me! I’m the Minister of
Something-or-other. I …
Greenslade: Summing up, the judge said …
Judge (nasal voice): It is quite clear that you didn’t know these were the Crown Jewels. Not
guilty. On the second charge, ten years’ hard labour.
Seagoon: (gulps) Second charge?
Judge: Yes, being a Minister of the Government, and accepting money for it! To wit,
robbery! Ten years!
Seagoon: I’m innocent!
Greenslade: Ten years later …
Seagoon: Aaaagh!
F.X.: (door opens)
Judge: Who said it was ten years later?
Greenslade: I did.
Judge: Ten years hard …
Greenslade: No, wait. Let me out! I was only saying what was in the script. It’s nothing to do
with me.
Seagoon: I’ll help you, mate. Ten years later …
Judge: Who said "ten years later"?
Seagoon: You just did.
Judge: Let me out! I’m the judge! Help!
Orch: (chords)
Bloodnok: Oh, well, thank heavens the Crown Jewels are back in the Tower. That means I
won’t have to redeem the real ones I pawned.
Eccles: Ah, owie, owie, owie.
Bloodnok: Great spluddocks of crud! ???? It’s an idiot in a Tudor swimming costume, and
dragging a treasure chest.
Eccles: Verily, givest me down me aid! Grab my hand and take my chest.
Bloodnok: You’re a funny shape, aren’t you?
F.X.: (splash)
Eccles: Gadzooks, and ????????? . Ta. Ohoho, ohoho-est mon. Thou art strangely
dressed, thou art!. Thou art, thou art, thou art strangely dressed.
Bloodnok: Obviously an idiot! A strange occurrence.. I’ll make a note of this in me military
diary. (sings Bloodnok introduction music) October of 1957.
Eccles: What year was that?
Bloodnok: 1957, October.
Eccles: Nineteen fifty …? 1957?
Bloodnok: Yes.
Eccles: I’ve swum too far!
Bloodnok: Well, where are you from then?
Eccles: 1600. I’d better be getting back. Hup.
F.X.: (splash)
Bloodnok: Well, I don’t know who you were, sir, or where you came from, but you’ve did me
a power of good!
Eccles: (shouts, off) ????????????
Bloodnok: Good for you, lad. Come again. Part three. The Ministry of Works’ excavations,
in the boiler room off Mint Street. That was rather quick, wasn’t it? For which I shall put on my Crown kit.
Seagoon: Mister Crun, what makes you think the treasure is buried in the boiler room?
Crun: It’s warmer down there.
Seagoon: Splendid reason.
Crun: Now, first we must find the exact spot where the treasure is buried.
Seagoon: Splendid idea. You’ll get a copy of the Birthday Honours for this.
Crun: Miss Bannister!
Min: Yes.
Crun: Miss Bannister here is a qualified treasure diviner with honours in steam (steam
hissing sounds) and banjo (banjo chords).
Seagoon: Good heavens! To look at her, you’d never have thought she’d ridden a horse in
her life.
Min: Okay, buddy. I’m just ready for my hairy divining. I’ll just put on these
cardboard bicycle clips.
Crun: Min!
Min: I’m ready, buddy.
Crun: Right, then.
Min: Get on that rhythm organ.
Crun: Right.
Min: One, two, …
Orch: (organ music, accompanied by Min singing rubbish)
Greenslade: Yes, what a great year 1957 was for England. Meantime, back in 1600, aboard the
hairy longboat, …
Orch: (organ music)
Pirate leader: Aaagh! Must be someone digging for treasure, sir. Someone must have got the
wind of it, sir.
Seagoon: They couldn’t have! I had it deodorized!
Pirate leader: Aaargh.
Seagoon: But, hold hard. It’s shhhh. Who? Halt. Someone approaches.
F.X.: (footsteps approach)
Seagoon: Zoons! It’s a heap of upright coolie with a hat on top.
Bluebottle: You insult the uniform and legs of Bluebottle!
Seagon: Spillikens! A voice comes from within the trousers.
Bluebottle: It is me, the beefeater of England. See! Holds up dirty big lump of meat. Also
choice of two veg.
Seagoon: Privy, thou speakest in fine conundrums.
Bluebottle: Oooh.
Seagoon: Come, help us with this chest.
Bluebottle: You got trouble with your chest? My Mum rubs mine with hot agony oil. He ha
ha ha, it goes. Wait a minute, wait a minute, you rhythm man. Don’t move. Who are .. who is .. who are you?
Seagoon: Pray let us pass. I’m Sir Walter Raleigh.
Bluebottle: Oooh, is this a television for schools then? Where’s the cameras? I’ll do my idiot
waving-to-my-friends-in-school. Hello dere, Harold Pratt! Hello, Mary Quills, Peter Catberg and Vera Millington! It’s Bluebottle here. Tell the teacher I will be in tomorrow. I’m just standing ..
F.X.: (splash, splash)
Little Jim: He has .. fallen .. in the .. water!
Bluebottle: You rotten Sir Walter Raleigh, you! I shall never eat potatoes again. Thinks, I’m
drowning. So that’s why I’ll never eat potatoes again.
Seagoon: Spillikens of blood (?) ! Eccles, put him out. I’ll take ye treasure and bury it in
yon boiler room.
Bluebottle: Eccles, save me!
Eccles: What? Where .. where are you?
Bluebottle: In the water in 1957.
Eccles: Oh, I can’t help you then.
Bluebottle: Why not?
Eccles: I’m in 1600. I’m not really. I’m really.., I’m not .. I’m really not here.
Bluebottle: What do you mean by that, my good man?
Eccles: I’ll tell you, my good man. If .., if .. if this is 1957. You said it’s 1957? (pause)
Say "yes".
Bluebottle: Yes.
Eccles: Well, if this is 1957, I’m dead!
Bluebottle: The why are you standing up?
Eccles: Um, well, I’m not entirely .. Oh, wow.. aagh! I’ll tell you why I’m standing up -
‘cause I’m in 1600 and you’re not born yet!
Bluebottle: Cor, wait ‘til I tell my Mum then. My Dad won’t half cop it!
Greenslade: Meantime, a few yards away in 1957.
Orch: (organ music, accompanied by Min and Crun "singing")
Min: Stop! Stop! Stop, Henry! It’s no good …
Crun: What’s the matter, Min? I was just getting in the treasure divining groove.
Min: There’s no treasure in the Tower, buddy. I’ve dug down 30 feet and burst a water
main.
Crun: I’d better bandage it with iodine.
Min: Alright.
Seagoon: You imposters! So you’re not treasure diviners after all. You’re water diviners!
Crun: Oh.
Seagoon: Where’s my speaking trumpet? Hello, folks. Calling folks.
Min: He’s calling folks.
Seagoon: Hello, folks.
Crun: Calling folks.
Min: He’s calling folks.
Seagoon: Give over! Hello, folks. This is a sad day for the Ministry of Works, folks.
Min: It always has been.
Seagoon: All .. (bursts out laughing) All we’ve got for our troubles, folks, is a 30-foot hole!
Farewell, folks.
Orch: (chords)
Seagoon: Gadzooks! He has gone.
Pirate leader: Aaagh, folks. Then we can bury the treasure in the hole here.
F.X.: (sounds of digging)
Greenslade: And that, folks, is why, in 1957, they didn’t find the treasure that was buried in
1600. It’s all in the mind, you know.
Orch: (roll-out music)
Announcer: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry
Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chiltern.
Orchestra: (music playout).